1. society
2. social institution
3. marriage

Are men and women socially or
sexually monogamous?
Prof. Zvi Zemishlany
Tel Aviv University, Israel
Sexual function: a bio-psycho-social model
• Biology
• Individual psychology
• Interpersonal psychology
• culture
Three distinct phases in sexuality
• Lust (Libido, Sex Drive)
• Attraction (Romantic love)
• Attachment
Attraction (Romantic Love) - Biology
•
•
•
•
Dopamine (high)
Norepinephrine (high)
Serotonin (low)
Phentylamine
•
Brain areas: Ventral Tegmental area
Caudate nucleus (dorsal)
Attachment
•
•
•
Feeling of calm
Contentment
Emotional union with long-term partner
FSD: Decreased Sexual Desire
• USA
(18-59):
low desire (HSDD)
30%
Laumann et al, JAMA, 1999
• French Survey (2004)
(>35)
• Scandinavia (18-74)
reduced interest
Fugl-Meyer et al. Scand. J. Sexol. 1999
46%
80%
33%
All Women have the same excuse
Correlates of diminished sexual
responsiveness in females
•
•
•
•
•
Relationship duration
Number of young children
Marital discord
Symptoms of anxiety and depression
Age
Dunn, J Sex Marit Ther 2000; Klusmann et al, Arch Sex Behav;
Basson et al, J Sex Med 2004; Eplov et al, J Sex Med 2006
Length of relationship and decrease in
sexual desire - women
J Sex Med 2008; 1681-1693
Hormones and sexual
response in midlife women
• Estradiol levels – no influence on
frequency of sexual activity.
• Testosterone and dehydroepiandrosterone
– not related to sexual function domains
Dennerstain et al. 2005
German Students
• Percent reporting wanting to have sex
often
Men
Women
< 1 yr
76%
65%
1-3 yr
74%
44%
> 3 yr
76%
26%
Klinsmann & Phil, Arch Sex Behav 2002
Partner novelty in sexual functioning
Coolidge Effect (Wilson et al, 1963)
• Rodents: sexually dominant member,
mainly male
• Fruit flies (Drosophila)- males (Tan et al.,
2013)
• Male Chimpanzees (Allen, 1981)
• Male rhesus monkeys (Michael and Zumpe,
1978)
• Mammalian species
Laboratory studies in human
• Habituation of arousal to erotic stimuli.
• Studies included a novel stimulus trial
• Constant stimulus resulted in less subjective and
physiological sexual arousal Vs. different slides
• The role of attention in habituation.
• Most studies done in men (diff. actors)
• 98% of men and 80% of women fantasizing
about someone other than current partner (2m)
"State of affairs”
• 55% of married women
• 65% of married men
• 50% of married women - at least one
lover before the age of 40
• 35-55% of the “unfaithful” reported:
being happy with their marriage
good sex & rewarding family life
J. of couple & relationship, 2002
Sexual partners in men and women
• LifetimeMen:11.7,
Women:7.7
• Desired partners- Men:18, Women:4.5
• Women near ovulation – increased desire
for short term relationships.
• Both men and women preferred long
term (monogamous) relationships.
The role of partner- related fascination
 Relationship satisfaction and fascination
for the partner correlated significantly
with sexual functioning in women, but not
in men.
Dopamine and sexual function
 Involved in desire, arousal and
satisfaction
 Key player in the “reward system”
Samuel Johnson:
Falling in love is a disease state best
cured by _______________
Laura Kipnis
Against Love: A Polemic (Pantheon Books, 2003)
• “Companionate coupledom”
• Desire and commitment do not seem to
coexist well
• A happy long-term marriage that keeps
sexuality alive – is an impossibility
Stephen Mitchell
Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance Over Time
(2002)
Inherent difficulties in combining desire and
long-term love.
“Authentic romance is hard to find and even harder to
maintain. It easily degrades into something else. Much
less captivating, much less enlivening, …, predictable
companionship, or hatred, guilt, and self pity…
Romance thrives on novelty, mystery and danger; it is
dispersed by familiarity. Enduring love is therefore a
contradiction in terms”.
Stephen Mitchell – Conts.
We endlessly strive to establish in our
marriages the safety, permanence, and
predictability that we had (or wish we had
had) in our childhoods. But it is this
emotional pursuit of a safe marriage that
we lead to a loss of spontaneity and
eventually kill desire.
Esther Perel )2006(
Mating in Captivity
Sexless marriage
The trade-off in marriage
• Monolithic monogamy
• “Energy and persistence conquer all
things” (Benjamin Franklin)
• The American-Protestant work ethic in the
service of degrading passion
• Safety, permanence, better
care for offspring, pooling
resources
Going the same way
“The opposite of love is not hate,
it’s indifference.
The opposite of life is not death,
it’s indifference.”
Elie Wiesel
“It take two to make a good marriagesometimes three”
(Alexander Dumas)
Conclusions
 Men and women are socially monogamous
but not sexually monogamous
 Social monogamy is accompanied by the
expectation of sexual monogamy, creating
a dilemma.
 Married men live longer, have better
health and make more money.
THANK YOU