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Set Yourself Free
The Guide for Drunks, Smokers, Addicts and Millionaires
Copyright © 2004 by Michael Highstead. All rights reserved.
Reproduction in whole or in part without the written
consent of the author is prohibited.
Visit our Web site at
http://www.habitbuster.com
ISBN 0-9736488-4-8
Contents
Introduction ................................................................................................................................................1
How To Use This Book ................................................................................................................................4
PART ONE ...............................................................................................................................................5
Guiding Principles......................................................................................................................................5
4 Reasons People Relapse.....................................................................................................................33
A Sobering Thought ................................................................................................................................38
PART TWO.............................................................................................................................................41
The 7 Steps to Improve Your Behavior. ................................................................................................41
Step One: Identification .........................................................................................................................43
Step Two: Motivation ..............................................................................................................................53
Step Three: Patterns ................................................................................................................................61
Step Four: Replacement ........................................................................................................................74
Step Five: Observance ...........................................................................................................................88
Step Six: Validation..................................................................................................................................96
Step Seven: Environment .....................................................................................................................106
Set Yourself Free
Introduction
Introduction
The title of this book, Set Yourself Free: The Guide for Drunks, Smokers, Addicts
and Millionaires was chosen to illustrate that, to one degree or another, we are all
subject to our own fears and desires. Regardless of wealth, status or position, until we
come to terms with the essential relationship between our Self and our thoughts, we
remain victims of our own mental impulses.
As a wealthy man who once lost his family and fortune through his own poor
behavior, I know that the weight of personal responsibility is sometimes hard to bear.
I also know there is simply no other way to succeed than to become personally
responsible for your own health and happiness. This book describes a reliable, 7-step
method for any person to improve any unwanted behavior. It can be used to break
bad habits, overcome addictions, or achieve personal goals.
While the development of this method was several years in the making, with
contributions from too many people to credit, there is one experience worth
mentioning for the sake of anyone still struggling.
Once, while attending a private seminar, I observed a curious interaction between a
skilled psychologist and a well-known celebrity. The psychologist was considered an
expert on human behavior, who had helped thousands of people overcome their
addictions. The celebrity was a young man, an actor and alcoholic, hoping to get
some help.
1
Set Yourself Free
Introduction
While each of them was clearly motivated to stop the man’s drinking, it was obvious
to the rest of us in the group that there was one thing standing in their way: A lack of
rapport. Trust, in other words, prevented their communication. The celebrity believed
there was simply no way anyone could help him, unless that person knew exactly
what he was going through.
After refuting all possible lines of help, the young man finally jumped up and yelled:
“Have YOU ever had a drinking problem?” When the psychologist responded “No”,
the young man decided that proved his point exactly, and immediately left the
room. Of course, by then there was nothing more anyone else could do. A fact the
psychologist already knew too well. But could he have actually helped the guy?
With the young man’s trust, definitely. Without it, not a chance.
Many years later, when I finally began to write this book, I had to make a decision
about the amount of personal detail to include. I knew I would have to weigh the
value of my family’s privacy, against the value of whatever I had to say, and my
ability to communicate those things effectively.
I also knew that many readers would be starting from a similar place that young man
was in. Unable to move forward without a clear answer to the real unspoken
question: “Can I trust you”.
If you are ready to face an addiction, then here is your essential challenge: To get
back to a place of trust. Trust in other people, trust in yourself, trust in your own
highest power. Check it out for yourself and see if that makes sense. What might trust
have to do with the solution to your current problem?
2
Set Yourself Free
Introduction
At the very least, in order to be free of an unhealthy situation, you must have the
ability to trust your own judgment and confidently stick with your decisions. The
challenge ahead of me is to show you a way to do that. Since I have already done
it for myself and other people, in this book I have decided the best course of action is
to tell you something of my own story while guiding you through the process.
I have decided to demonstrate each of the 7 steps by using either personal or
professional examples of various people who have beaten their addictions using the
principles in this book. At the very least, this will present solid evidence for you to
confidently assess the information provided. It will also give you assurance that I can
relate to where you are coming from. Once that is out of the way, we can focus on
getting you where you want to be.
Speaking from personal experience, I can also tell you there is a chance that your
decision to heal may actually anger, hurt or offend some of your friends and family.
This should give you a clue about who you can really count on for support. Who has
your best interest in mind, and who would rather keep you down for reasons of their
own.
As you become stronger within yourself, and start setting boundaries for how you
want to be treated, people who have their own reasons for seeing you a certain way
may not like the changes you are making. At the same time, other people may
surprise you with the amount of love, support and encouragement they are truly
willing to give. Either way, there is no point to being a victim of anyone’s fears and
desires. Especially your own.
Now it is time to find your way. To figure out how to clearly assess your options,
determine a healthy course of action, and confidently stick with your decisions.
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Set Yourself Free
How To Use This Book
How To Use This Book
Set Yourself Free is divided into two parts. The first section will help you prepare to
face your unwanted behavior by laying a foundation of both knowledge and
experience before you begin the process.
In Part One, you will be given three
guiding principles to help you stay on track. To put things in perspective, you will also
learn the main reasons people fail. Part One includes a few simple exercises that are
essential to complete in order to prepare for the challenges to come.
Then in Part Two, you will be guided through each of the 7 Steps to help you improve
your behavior. We’ll start with a basic outline of the process, and then fill in the
details as we go. Each Step will include four parts for you to read and complete at
your own pace:
1. A true-life example of someone with an unwanted habit or addiction, to
illustrate key elements of the Step in question.
2. A clear explanation of what has to be accomplished within the Step and why.
3. An experiential exercise for you to test the explanation and enhance your own
understanding.
4. A personal assignment in order for you to complete the Step and move on to
the next level.
Note that completing each assignment as directed will give you the best possible
chance of getting the results you desire.
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Set Yourself Free
Guiding Principles: 1st Principle
PART ONE
Guiding Principles
1st Principle: There Is Always A Choice
It's a simple thing. The quality of your life is determined by the quality of your choices.
When you make choices that are good for you, you feel good about yourself, do
good things for others, and have many good experiences. When you make choices
that are bad for you, you feel bad about yourself, do bad things to others, and have
many bad experiences. One road leads to pleasure, the other, pain…
Have you ever wondered why people do things that are clearly harmful to their
health? Perhaps it is because they really don't feel they have a choice.
The dictionary defines the word habit as "an acquired mode of behavior that has
become nearly or completely involuntary". This is why the alcoholic reaches for
booze, the junkie for drugs, the sex-addict for porn. It is because deep in their hearts,
they have a subconscious need that must be satisfied, and the bottom line is, they
haven't learned to meet that need in a way that truly serves them. Since they can't
see any other way, they haven't got a choice.
An addiction, meanwhile, is defined as a habit you can’t give up without feeling
some adverse effects. In which case, it becomes a matter of accurately assessing
those effects, and then making your decision accordingly. In either case, there is
one thing you must know in order to break any unwanted habit or addiction: There is
always a choice.
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Guiding Principles: 1st Principle
The good news is, you already have everything you need to get where you want to
go. You have a mind that thinks, a body that feels, and a soul that knows the way.
The challenge is getting them all to agree, especially when your mind keeps trying to
control the show.
But who is really in charge of your life? Is it you, or is it your mind? Are you the master
of your thoughts and behavior? Or are you a slave to your own mental impulses?
Consider your actions in life. At the deepest level, everything you do can be
attributed to one of two things: Your need to avoid pain, or your desire to gain
pleasure. Test this out for yourself. Think of anything you might do today, and see if it
can't be reduced to one of these primary motivations. Here are a few examples:
Read a book? Gain pleasure.
Pay a bill? Avoid pain.
Go for a walk? Gain pleasure.
Lie to your boss? Avoid pain.
Sleep in? Watch a movie? Answer the phone? Maybe a little of both.
The point is, all your actions, even the actions you really don't like, originate from
either a positive or negative impulse. And every impulse is nothing more than a
suggestion that your mind has served up for you to do with as you will. The problem is,
being unaware of the essential relationship between yourself and your mind, you
react to every thought as if it were a command.
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Guiding Principles: 1st Principle
So let’s have a look at your thoughts. You have both negative and positive thoughts
to choose from. You have negative thoughts to protect you from danger, and you
have positive thoughts to bring you delight. A good way to picture this is having a
negative mind that wants to avoid pain, and a positive mind that wants to
experience pleasure.
Of course, then you have a conflict. To your negative mind, all the potential
pleasures in life involve some kind of risk, so it doesn't want you to go there. And to
your positive way of thinking, you can't fully experience the pleasures in life while
holding yourself back, so you disregard the danger.
So here's Flo standing in front of her refrigerator. On the outside she appears quite
calm, but inside there's a battle raging over whether or not she is going to reach in
there and grab that slice of chocolate cake. Her positive mind is saying “MMMMM!
Won’t that cake taste yummy!” While her negative mind keeps saying “No! Don’t do
it! You’re already big as a whale!”
Can you think of a similar example for yourself? A time when you were torn between
two possible courses of action? In that situation, what was the pleasurable
experience you wanted, and what was the pain or danger you perceived?
Describe that situation:
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
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Guiding Principles: 1st Principle
The reason you struggle is because you have not yet learned how to effectively
direct your mind. You are bouncing back and forth between extremes, with no
stability in between. Because you have no neutral way to objectively assess your
situation, you can't see any other way to meet your needs. Because you don't see
any other options, you remain a victim of your fears and desires.
But there is a path with your name on it. One that takes into consideration both the
positive and negative points of view, and enables you to make the right decisions.
Decisions that are more in line with your true purpose and potential. To find that path,
there is one decision that must be made before any other decision will matter…
Either you are going to find a way to master your thoughts, or you will always be a
victim of your own mental impulses. Either your mind will serve you, or you will serve
your mind.
There is no way to succeed without addressing this simple truth. Now is the time to
develop a conscious relationship with your mind. Sometimes it is good to think in
negative terms, carefully considering the potential pain, risk, or downside of your
actions. And sometimes it is good to think in positive terms, focusing on the potential
pleasure, opportunities, or upside of your actions.
But here’s the thing. If you only have two options, then it’s not really much of a
choice. It’s a dilemma. So that’s when you have to be clear. The third option is to
simply stop and be neutral for a moment.
To look at both sides equally and
objectively before deciding what serves you best.
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Guiding Principles: 1st Principle
Pain. Neutral. Pleasure.
These are the gears of your mind, just like driving a car.
Backward. Neutral. Forward.
The ability to shift gears in your way of thinking becomes vital when you start seeing
that the choices you have in life are not about the things that happen to you. The
only real choice you have is the meaning you give to those things.
A popular way of saying it is, “You can’t control the wind, but you can control your
sails.” In other words, the power to control the impact of uncontrollable things in your
life comes from your ability to decide what those things actually mean to you. This
way, you can even use undesirable things to your advantage.
Next, you will begin to see how this relates to both your positive and negative
perceptions. You will see how what you choose to believe actually determines your
behavior and results.
As we start moving through the 7 Steps to improve your behavior, always keep this
first principle in mind, repeating it again and again until it becomes a natural part of
your thought process. “There is always a choice.” A choice about what things really
mean to you, and which way you are going to go.
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Guiding Principles: 1st Principle
Exercise: Understanding Pain Vs. Pleasure
List three things you have done today, and then decide whether each action was a
decision based more on your desire to Gain Pleasure, or the need to Avoid Pain.
Example: 3 Things I Did Today
Action
Brushed my teeth
Impulse
Avoid pain
Action
Made Breakfast
Impulse
Gain Pleasure
Action
Hugged my kids
Impulse
Gain Pleasure
3 Things I Did Today:
Action
Impulse
Action
Impulse
Action
Impulse
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Guiding Principles: 2nd Principle
2nd Principle: I Am Personally Responsible
Today it seems many of us have forgotten how to be at peace within ourselves.
Forgotten, or maybe have never even known, how to feel safe and secure in any
situation. How to feel happy even when times are tough. Or how to deal with the
reality of a body that will eventually fail to function, and a mind that can often see
polar opposite points of view.
Often we just don’t know what to think, so we try to escape rather than to accept.
We choose immediate relief or comfort, rather than long-term health and happiness.
There is no doubt that a drink, a drug, or even a donut is something you can count
on. It is something you can definitely trust to consistently give you a certain kind of
feeling. In fact, many people would say it is faster, easier, and maybe even safer, to
rely on some kind of product or substance to make you feel better, rather than
trusting someone to help you. Or even scarier, trusting your own judgment and being
solely responsible for your own success or failure.
Unfortunately, we are all becoming more and more dependent on products and
professionals to give us the feelings we crave. We make unhealthy choices based on
minimal information, rather than taking the time to understand our feelings and figure
things out for ourselves. It seems easier, after all, to simply take a pill and let someone
else figure things out. To let other people decide what’s best and provide the
solutions for us. That way, we always have someone to blame or turn to when we
don’t get what we want.
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Guiding Principles: 2nd Principle
But somehow that strategy never quite works, does it? It not only separates you from
your own true feelings and abilities, it makes you subordinate to the other people.
Ruled by their fears and desires as well as your own.
Denying personal responsibility can make you dependent on people in ways you
aren’t even conscious of, and that’s even worse than being dependent on drugs or
alcohol. As the saying goes, there are no greater slaves than the ones who believe
they are free.
So the next question is, are you sure you even WANT responsibility for your life? If you
do, then rest assured you are on the right path and there is plenty of help available.
If you don’t, then you really are alone, and nobody can help you until you decide to
stand up for yourself.
Personal responsibility is not about doing what other people say you should. It is not
about feeling pressured to serve other people’s needs, being a slave to your
obligations, or even honoring your commitments, although any of those things may
come from different levels of it.
Personal response ability means being able to respond in a way that serves
your purpose.
It means having the ability to accurately assess information, to decide upon an
effective course of action, and to follow through with your intent. It means having the
confidence and maturity to figure things out for yourself, and then deciding what is
truly in your own best interest. This way, you can actually move forward instead of
feeling stuck or trapped.
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Guiding Principles: 2nd Principle
Being responsible means having plenty of options and finally being free. To choose.
For yourself. Maturity, meanwhile, is the ability to see the outcome of a decision
before it actually occurs. Regarding your behavior, then, if you are both mature and
responsible about dealing with it, you will not only be able to assess and choose the
quality of results you desire, you will also have the presence of mind to anticipate
and overcome whatever obstacles stand in your way.
That is where we’re headed. Developing greater responsibility for our own health,
wealth and happiness.
Exercise: Understanding Personal Response Ability
Imagine you are in a grocery store line-up. You have just had a really hard day at
work, and you are eager to get home, but you need to pick up a couple of things for
dinner. So you’ve gone into the store, found the items you wanted, and then noticed
that all the check-out lines are really long. Since you've only got a few items, you
choose the express lane that says “7 Items or Less”.
But now, just as you are about to line up, a woman with about 50 items in her cart
barges right in front of you! In a single word, what is your reaction? Record your
answer below.
I would feel
.
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Guiding Principles: 2nd Principle
Now let's think about your answer. If we played out that same scenario to a hundred
different people, how many different answers do you think we’d get? Would all
hundred people choose the same word you did?
Definitely not. We’d get a whole bunch of different answers. Some people would say
they were angry, others would say frustrated, others might say sarcastic, nervous,
furious, indifferent... some people might even call it amusing.
Here we have an example of one ordinary event, with as many different
interpretations of that event as there are people to respond to it!
And even if two people choose the exact same word to describe their feelings,
would the same word always mean the very same thing to each of them? Is your
anger the exact same flavor and intensity as everyone else’s anger on the planet?
No. Of course not.
So here’s the real question. If this situation actually happened to you, would you
really have any choice about the way it made you feel? Yes or No?
Check one:
F
Yes, I could choose how I felt.
F
No, I could not choose how I felt.
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Guiding Principles: 2nd Principle
If you checked “No”, wake up! You are asleep at the wheel and coming to a
crossroad! For you, there is only one choice right now: Freedom or Slavery. The
freedom to create whatever you desire in life, or the slavery of remaining a victim of
your own beliefs.
If you checked “Yes”, then you already know you have some measure of flexibility.
Our only job now is to expand it. To increase your range of motion in three distinct
areas: Your Mind, your Body, and your Spirit.
To begin, the very first step to becoming more responsible for your own health and
happiness is to decide once and for all who is running the show! You must finally take
a stand and determine who is in control of your life. So I’m going to make this really
easy for you…
It’s not your boss! It’s not your parents! It's not your spouse! It’s not your kids! It’s not
your friends, neighbors, colleagues, or government! And guess what! It's not even
God! Let me say that again, just so we’re absolutely clear on this: God does not
control your life! In fact, “God”, or whatever you want to call the Cosmic Forces that
created you, gave you something that ensured He could have no more control over
you than you can have over the thoughts of children. He gave you a precious gift
that empowers you to think and decide for yourself: Your Mind!
So here it is again. The biggest choice that you will ever have to make in your whole
entire life, and it's really simple, because it can be only one of two things:
Either your mind will serve you, or you will serve your mind.
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Guiding Principles: 2nd Principle
What this means is that you must consciously train your mind to suit your purpose, or
you will forever be a victim of your own mental impulses.
Choose one:
F
Yes, I am ready to be in control of myself.
F
No, it is too much responsibility.
Our Choices Lead to Our Results
Let's go back to our grocery store example. Is it fair to say that the choice you made
in the grocery store line-up was the result of your own thoughts, feelings or beliefs
about the situation? Does that sound reasonable?
And is it accurate to say that while you certainly chose an authentic response, with a
little more thought about it, you might have chosen a slightly different response? For
example, you might have chosen to feel “pretty angry” instead of “absolutely
furious”. Could you have felt either one of those emotions if you so desired? Yes, that
makes sense too.
So even if you think that anyone who says he would be amused by the situation is
actually a big fat liar who isn’t really being honest with himself, you would
undoubtedly agree that you yourself have a certain amount of flexibility in choosing
the intensity of your response. For example, you could simply mutter under your
breath what a dingbat that line–butting slob was, rather than body-slamming her into
the chocolate bar stand.
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Guiding Principles: 2nd Principle
If we can agree on that much, that you have within you even an ounce of choice in
the matter, then just for fun, let’s play out both scenarios…
Choice One
You feel “pretty angry”, so you quietly mutter “Dingbat” under your breath. This might
give you a slight feeling of satisfaction, and since nobody hears you, it avoids any
further confrontation. The result is, you spend an extra few minutes waiting to check
out, and the event is quickly forgotten.
Or,
Choice Two
You feel “absolutely furious”, so you start playing bumper cars with your shopping
cart. In fact, you are so damn furious, you force your way in front until that big pushy
slob is knocked flat on her ass! Next thing you know, she breaks her tailbone and you
are being sued for damages. The result is, you end up paying for that one emotional
outburst for the rest of your life.
Now that may sound a little extreme, but the point is, different choices obviously lead
to different destinies. What quickly becomes apparent then, is that if we can find a
way to assess our thoughts before blindly attaching our feelings to them, we'll be
more in control of our actions, and the kind of results we get. Does that make sense?
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Guiding Principles: 2nd Principle
My Thoughts Create My World:
Thoughts Æ Feelings Æ Actions Æ Results
Each of us lives in our own little world, our own private version of reality. Within that
world, we always have many thoughts to choose from. At any given moment, we
can choose to think along positive lines, focusing on the benefits of a particular
course of action, or we can choose to think along negative lines, and focus on the
feelings of loss or danger. Both points of view are essential, but they each have an
opposite purpose. One compels you forward, the other holds you back.
The key to solving your own internal conflict, then, is to realize that there is a time and
place for each. Achieving that is going to take both knowledge and practice, so for
now, just remember that whatever you choose to focus on, you will experience in
your life. Good thoughts lead to good results, bad thoughts lead to bad results. Here
is how it works:
Diagram 1. Karma
18 Control Model
Set Yourself Free
Guiding Principles: 2nd Principle
Will It Bring Me Happiness?
Now some folks believe that feelings often come before thoughts – just ask anyone
who has ever been in love! Our preceding diagram supports that point of view, it just
depends on where you are starting in the cycle. But our concern at the moment is
conscious intervention, so we start by focusing on our first mental impulses.
¾ To begin, a thought occurs to us which then leads to various feelings about the
thought. First we have an idea, and then we have a kind of unconscious
dialogue about the idea. “Does it make sense, sound good, feel right…”
¾ Our feelings then determine what actions we will take, given our personal
values and preferences.
¾ Naturally, the actions we take cause various things to happen – they produce
certain results in our life.
¾ Over time, our results have a cumulative effect on both our internal and
external environment. In other words, all our results add up to make the world
in which we find ourselves.
¾ Finally, each of us being in our own little world, meaning the landscape of
personal challenges and opportunities we have created for ourselves, we
interact with others in ways that stimulate related patterns of thought. Thus the
feelings continue getting stronger, the behavior becomes more ingrained, the
results become more apparent, and the overall effect on our lives continues to
increase.
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Guiding Principles: 2nd Principle
The difference between freedom and slavery is awareness. When you are unaware
of your own creative potential you continue feeling forced against your will. In truth,
you have simply given up your will and are denying the impact of your decisions.
When you are aware of your ability to decide what things actually mean to you, you
remain conscious of your power to create your fate. You become aware of your
ability to hold and assess conflicting points of view. You start making choices that
effectively serve a purpose, rather than blindly upholding a rule. You start recognizing
specific patterns of thoughts, feelings and actions which lead to better results.
If you want to improve your behavior, the first step is simply to stop focusing on
whatever you are doing "wrong" or whatever you failed to do in the past. That will
only make you feel bad. Instead, start focusing on the good things you are doing.
Pay more attention to things that bring you genuine peace of mind and long-term
happiness.
"Happiness that depends mainly on physical pleasure is unstable and
often leaves us wanting. A better approach is to face any decision by
asking 'Will it bring me happiness?'"
-Dalai Lama
Remember, nobody is responsible for your happiness but you. When you say “I am
personally responsible” you are actually saying: “I am able to evaluate a situation. I
can decide what it really means to me. And I am free to respond by choosing a
healthy course of action for myself.”
I am personally responsible.
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Guiding Principles: 3rd Principle
Exercise: Becoming Personally Response Able
In this exercise, you will experience just how much control you actually have over
your thoughts and feelings. This will give you the necessary skills to determine your
own debilitating patterns later on in the book. Sounds ominous, but it is actually quite
simple and very useful to know.
Now you will begin to see how the meaning you give to things actually determines
the actions you will take. We’ll talk more about this later, but doing the following
exercise is necessary to ensure you have the ability to face more difficult challenges
in the future. For now, it is important to understand that the way you look at this
exercise will determine the quality of results you get, and will therefore have a direct
impact on your ability to improve your behavior.
The choice is, you can look at the exercise from your negative mind, be rigid in your
thinking, and protect yourself from feeling anything different. This will inevitably lead
you to ignore the directions, or even skip over this part completely. That course of
action will protect your old way of thinking, and will also prevent you from getting
your desired results with this book.
Or, you can look at it from your positive mind, and be open to the possibility of
thinking or feeling something new. This will enable you to play full out and get the full
benefits of the experience, as well as keep you on track to successfully improving
your behavior. The danger is, you will lose some illusions that once gave you comfort.
So before you decide anything, simply take a breath. Go to neutral. And rather than
just plowing though this exercise without any conscious direction of your own,
remember your purpose for buying this book in the first place. And then decide
which course of action is best.
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Guiding Principles: 3rd Principle
Ignore and reject this exercise, or play full out and complete it.
To begin, what you are going to do is mimic the motions of unhappiness. Then you
are going to contrast it by going through the motions of happiness. After parts A and
B, you are going to honestly decide whether or not the feeling is “real”. Then, in
Part C, I’ll ask you to record your observations.
Let’s start out with “Making Yourself Feel Bad” – most people already know how to do
that one pretty well. Then we can quickly move into “Making Yourself Feel Good”
and continue with the process. Begin Part A now, by turning the page and following
the directions precisely.
Warning:
This is a powerful demonstration. As soon as you are convinced that the
feelings you are creating are real, stop this part of the exercise and
move on to Part B.
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Guiding Principles: 3rd Principle
Part A) Make Yourself Feel Bad
1.
Drop your shoulders and let your arms hang limp and lifeless.
2.
Slouch forward, tilt your head down, and let your chin fall close to your chest.
3.
Give a big sigh, and then hold your exhale out for a moment.
4.
Do that a couple of more times, and with each sigh allow your self to sink
deeper and deeper into a feeling of depression.
5.
And now breathe very shallow from your upper chest area.
6.
Lean further forward, slouch deeper.
7.
Let your jaw go slack and stare vacantly at the ground...
8.
Bring one or both of your hands to your forehead…
9.
Now press your lips together and stay that way for a moment.
10. And once again, restrict your breathing until you can practically feel the tears
beginning to well up in your eyes...
Now ask yourself honestly. How am I feeling right now? Do I really feel depressed,
sad, unhappy, or in any way worse than I did just a moment ago?
Check one: ____ No, I did not make myself feel any worse than I did before.
____ Yes, I really did make myself feel worse! What kind of silly book is this!
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Guiding Principles: 3rd Principle
Part B) Make Yourself Feel Good!
Warning: This is also a powerful demonstration!
Following these directions may
actually lead to you feeling good! Don’t do it if you’d rather keep feeling bad!
1. Sitting straight up in your chair, spine erect, shoulders back, cup one hand over
your diaphragm (that area just above your belly that rises and falls as you
breathe), and let your other hand rest comfortably in your lap.
2. Keeping your lips lightly sealed, inhale deeply through your nose for a count of
8. Then hold for a count of 4. And now exhale for a count of 8. Repeat this
breathing pattern three times. Yawn anytime you need to.
3. Now take several long, slow, deep, breaths, all on your own time, making each
breath even fuller and more satisfying than the last.
4. Tilt your head up, keep your shoulders back, spine straight…
5. And last but not least, smile. Just go ahead and let a big old smile come to
your eyes. The bigger the better.
Heck, you can even laugh if you want to! Yeah! That’s it! Laugh like heck!
Or if you’re really brave, go ahead and LAUGH LIKE HELL!
Feel like heaven! Laugh like hell!
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Set Yourself Free
Guiding Principles: 3rd Principle
Nice job. Some deep breathing, a bit of a smile, and already there is a distinct
elevation in your mood. Be honest now, did the way you move have any positive
effect on the way you felt? Check one:
_____ Yes, I now feel better than I did a moment ago.
_____ No, I am so out of touch with my feelings, I had best go back and try it again.
The fact is, our brains are hardwired to pick up signals from our body. The way you
use and move your body often precedes the way you feel. This is the exact opposite
of what many people believe. They say “I’m smiling because I feel happy”, when in
fact, they feel happy because they are smiling.
If you felt no effect from “making yourself feel good”, try doing it again without
resisting the part about smiling. Just go ahead and put a big grin on your face for no
reason whatsoever, and see what a difference it makes. You’ll find it is impossible to
stay angry or upset while you are smiling.
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Set Yourself Free
Guiding Principles: 3rd Principle
Part C) Integrate The Experience
What did I learn about making myself feel bad?
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
What did I learn about making myself feel good?
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
How can this knowledge now be applied in my life?
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
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Set Yourself Free
Guiding Principles: 3rd Principle
3rd Principle: The Better I Feel About Myself, The Better I Will Do For Myself
To begin, breathe deep. Spine erect. Shoulders back…
In the summer of 1997, I had a conversation with an American yogi named
Gurucharan Singh Khalsa.
Dr. Khalsa is both a healer and a scientist, but more
importantly, I consider him a good friend whom I can always rely on to speak the
truth. At the time, I was very unhappy with my life, even after spending thousands of
dollars on books, tapes, self-help seminars, and professional therapy.
I remember feeling frustrated because for many years I had been trying to change
my life, and I still wasn’t getting anywhere. In fact, in many ways, I was unhappier
than ever. Sitting in his living room one day, sipping yogi tea while pondering my
plight, Gurucharan asked me a startling question. He said:
“Do you want to change, or do you want to improve?”
For me it was a critical distinction. Change implied experiencing something different,
but not necessarily better.
Improvement, however, meant moving in the right
direction, and getting some good results.
An improvement was something I knew I
could work towards, and immediately feel better about achieving.
At that point, I had already made some definite progress dealing with my addictions.
I had been drug and alcohol-free for several years, and could finally admit there
were similar patterns in my choices regarding love, sex and gambling. But my
understanding was limited, and I knew I still had a long way to go.
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Set Yourself Free
Guiding Principles: 3rd Principle
My finances, for example, were a constant source of pain. Previously, I had been a
very wealthy businessman, loved by friends and family. But after many years of
partying and too many poor decisions, I had become a scared, compulsive gambler,
who couldn’t even feed his kids.
It was very frustrating. For all the work I had done with my addictions, I still didn’t
know why I could control myself in some areas, yet feel so powerless in others. I knew
exactly how I had quit using drugs and alcohol, but I didn’t know why my methods
had worked, or how I could use that knowledge in other troubled areas of my life.
Still, I knew I was making progress, and felt compelled to share what I had found. I
also believed that to really add anything of value to this contentious topic, I would
have to strike at the very root of the problem. I would have to find the essential
elements common to all addictions, and then show how a few key principles can
help any individual improve any unwanted behavior.
One day, more out of curiosity than anything else, I went to an AA meeting, to see
what I could learn. First thing I discovered there was that if you want to sell coffee or
cigarettes, then AA is the place to go.
I found this disturbing because, for all their
best efforts, it was clear that many of the folks who had taken the twelve steps
hadn’t really gained freedom from their addiction – they had simply replaced one
unhealthy habit with another.
They had certainly changed their behavior, but had they really improved their ability
to make healthy choices?
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Set Yourself Free
Guiding Principles: 3rd Principle
My doubts were later confirmed by the Chairman of that meeting, with whom I spoke
privately afterwards. “My alcoholism is a disease,” he insisted, “It’s something I have
no control over. But smoking I can quit anytime.”
“So why haven’t you?” I asked.
Blank.
He just stood there for a long minute, before finally saying “I dunno.”
This from a guy who claimed he’d been “clean and sober” for over twenty years, but
was still smoking like a chimney. Twenty years later, even though he was no longer
drinking, I felt he was still the victim of a diseased way of thinking. A way of thinking
that causes people to mask or deny their feelings rather than face up to them
directly. I recognized it because I knew it was the same thing I had often done
myself.
For me, that was the beginning of a lengthy study into the patterns and processes of
addiction, but it was another four years before I finally had the courage to confront
myself at the deepest level. To fully examine my views, not just on what I perceived to
be other people’s unhealthy behavior, but far more difficult, and far more liberating,
to fully explore my own limiting beliefs.
Eventually, what I found are a few simple truths that anyone can use for some
additional perspective on their dis-ease. A word I now define as nothing more than a
sense of mental, physical, or spiritual discomfort; a call to action; or simply an
individual’s longing to be whole.
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Set Yourself Free
Guiding Principles: 3rd Principle
In the healing process, or for that matter, in any endeavor where healthy progress is
desired, it is essential to acknowledge what you are doing well. This will make you feel
good inside, which will lead to better actions and results. When you focus on the
good that you are doing, you build your confidence, you develop self-respect, and
you constantly reinforce your own self-worth.
As you start to feel better about yourself, you will start making better decisions, and
you will experience far better things in your life. There's more to it, of course, but this
alone will yield far better results than beating yourself up every time you fail.
Exercise: Positive Awareness
What is one good thing I have done recently?
And what is a positive emotion that makes me feel?
So now we can finally see the importance of our third guiding principle, which is also
the baseline of the 7-Step process we’ll be following to help you get better results all
across the board.
“The better I feel about myself, the better I will do for myself.”
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Set Yourself Free
Guiding Principles: 3rd Principle
Diagram 2. The Better I Feel About Myself, The Better I Will Do For Myself.
Think Bad
This diagram illustrates how
your thoughts can either
diminish or elevate your
quality of life.
Do Bad
Even the smallest “bad” thought
can spiral out of control, quickly
leading to bad feelings, which
cause you to act in ways that
produce poor results.
Think Bad
Poor results lead to even more
bad thoughts, and so the cycle
continues, with your life getting
progressively worse.
Feel Bad
Feel Bad
Good thoughts, on the other
hand, inevitably lead you to feel
better about yourself.
Feeling better, you take more
effective action, which produces
better results in your life, which
leads to more and more good
thoughts…
Do Bad!
Do Good!
Feel Good
Think Good
Do Good
Feel Good
Think Good
…and once again the cycle
continues, but now your life
keeps on getting better.
Bad Life
Good Life
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Set Yourself Free
Guiding Principles: 3rd Principle
In Diagram 2, we can see that good thoughts lead to good results, while bad
thoughts lead to bad results. Of course, if you really had a choice, which would you
rather experience?
Rather than counting the days until another inevitable failure, living in constant fear
of relapse because you are putting all your focus on how long it's been since your last
smoke, drink, or fix...
Rather than trying to immediately change your life, and constantly beating yourself
up every time you fail...
Rather than whining about all the times you have failed in the past, or crying about
all the scary monsters coming in the future (yes, they are scary, and yes, they are
real, but avoiding them only makes them bigger)...
Rather than continuing to indulge in all those tired old self-defeating beliefs and
constantly choosing the rules of a loser who is playing in a game that can't be won...
Now you must consciously choose to feel better.
Now it is time to start gradually rebuilding your confidence, and to finally gain control
of your behavior. Now you must focus on making small daily improvements, and to
keep on catching yourself doing things well.
And you must keep on feeling good about your progress, building positive feelings
and momentum, until such time as you have expanded your own identity to the
point where healthier choices are the rule, rather than the exception.
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Set Yourself Free
4 Reasons People Relapse
4 Reasons People Relapse
Reason #1. We can't hold “not doing something” as a reliable target, because the
mind can't process a negative. It needs a subject to focus on.
What this means is that the very act of trying not to focus on something, brings that
thing into your field of thought, where you constantly have to manage it. For
example, when I say “Don’t think of a green tomato”, what do you immediately think
of? A green tomato.
Similarly, when someone says, “I want to stop drinking”, what is the subject they are
actually focused on? Drinking. This is why so many alcoholics feel they must always
beware their drinking. The subject is always on their mind!
Whenever you say what you don’t want, as in “I don’t want to smoke”, or “I don’t
want to do drugs”, or “I don’t want to get drunk...” it's kind of like going into a grocery
store with a shopping list of all the things you don't want to buy. With such a list, you
could spend all your time in the store trying to avoid certain items, without ever
actually getting the things you really want or need!
Solution:
You must pay more attention to what you do want, rather than being
subconsciously ruled by what you don’t want.
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Set Yourself Free
4 Reasons People Relapse
Reason #2. People have a need to be consistent with the way they define
themselves.
If a man truly identifies with being a “Supportive Husband”, what will he strive to do?
Most likely, whatever he thinks a supportive husband would do! Listen to his wife, buy
her flowers, put the toilet seat down, whatever it takes, right?
Or if a young boy calls himself a “Skateborder”, what kind of things would he do? Go
skateboarding, watch skateboard videos, break his bones occasionally…
Similarly, guess what happens when someone calls himself an alcoholic? Suddenly,
that person adopts a whole set of rules and beliefs about what being an alcoholic
actually means to him: always feeling powerless, insecure, out of control, maybe
going to some meetings, getting drunk, throwing up once in awhile, having
hangovers…
Solution:
Develop a healthier self-image. Become more open to possibilities, and
more discerning in what you believe.
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Set Yourself Free
4 Reasons People Relapse
Reason #3. People have a “longing to belong”.
As well as the need to be consistent with how we define ourselves, human beings
have a very strong need to be accepted by other people. To be part of whatever
group is important to them. So anything that separates us from other people, such as
a different way of thinking or a new way of behaving, may lead to tremendous
anxiety or resistance even within the person who wants to make a change.
Remember in high school, how certain groups of people often dressed the same? Or
if you’re a man, have you never noticed how often you make a fuss when you don’t
get the attention you desire? And if you’re a woman, what’s all that makeup really
about?
The fact is, we all have a longing to belong. A need to fit in, to be loved, to be
accepted by other people.
But if we are used to hanging out with a certain crowd, or if we are too fearful of
being separated from our loved ones, the cost of doing better for ourselves may
seem like too high of a price to pay.
When that happens, it’s a good time to ask: What will it cost me if I don’t do better?
Solution:
Become more secure within yourself. Be less focused on your fears, and
more focused on your purpose.
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Set Yourself Free
4 Reasons People Relapse
Reason #4. The more you deny your feelings, the greater the internal conflict
becomes until they are finally addressed.
The fourth reason people relapse is because, in order to deal with their problem, they
are actually suppressing how it feels to be addicted! By accepting the false belief
that there is nothing else they can do and burying their revulsion to feeling powerless,
they are ignoring critical information their feelings are trying to tell them.
Here is what I mean. Obviously, you must begin by acknowledging you have
problem. But in the case of an alcoholic, for example, how does it really feel to
believe you will always be powerless against it? To believe deep down inside yourself
that you can’t even control your own behavior? When I first felt that, it was one of
the absolute worst feelings of my life! No way would I remain powerless over my
behavior!
This is so important I’ll take a few more minutes to explain it, because I have seen it
time and time again, no matter what the habit or addiction is. I first saw it in the
body language of people who stood up at AA, and now I see it almost every time I
ask somebody who has ever tried to quit something and “failed”. No matter if it is
quitting drugs, drinking, smoking, gambling, over-eating… whenever they have a
relapse, it makes them feel… How?
C’mon. You know the answer to this...
It makes them feel like a loser.
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Set Yourself Free
4 Reasons People Relapse
So if deep down inside myself I feel like I’m a loser, then how am I going to act, and
what kind of results will I expect? I’ll expect I’m going to lose! I’ll expect that sooner or
later I’ll fail, slip, falter, fall off the wagon… And sure enough, because that’s what I
keep my focus on, that’s what I inevitably find examples of. Which only reinforces my
perception that I’m a loser.
Here’s another example. What if I really want a relationship with someone, but deep
down in my heart I have a subconscious belief that “people can’t be trusted”? How
will those subconscious feelings cause me to act? At the very least, I’ll be guarded,
suspicious, and doubtful. So then what kind of things will I usually be on the lookout
for? Anything that confirms my doubts! And so what will I inevitably find? Things that
confirm my doubts!
You see how that works? When dealing with their addictions, many people who have
tried to quit and failed will only see more evidence of their inability to succeed. A
solution is still open to them, but there is no way for it to be seen in the direction they
are currently looking! Eventually, after so many failed attempts, they just resign
themselves to accepting there is nothing more they can do about it.
Don’t get trapped there. Instead, think of the positive steps you have already taken
and be open to ways to improve your strategy. And keep moving forward, you are
on a reliable path. Just remember it is the meaning you give to things that ultimately
leads to your results. In this case, a better belief might be: A loser isn’t someone who
falls down. A loser is someone who stays down.
Solution:
Begin by making small daily improvements, and constantly
acknowledge what you are doing well.
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Set Yourself Free
A Sobering Thought
A Sobering Thought
One last thing before we wrap up this chapter and get started on the process.
One thing I could never really accept about being an alcoholic was the idea that I
was powerless over my behavior. In my head I certainly believed that was true I knew that for many years I had been unable to control my drinking and had
suffered horribly because of it. But once I finally realized how powerless I felt in my
heart, I decided there was no way in hell I was going to stay there.
I think we all know that feeling of being scared or powerless, but it is one we usually
try to avoid, rather than just sitting with the feeling and trying to understand it. So
when it comes right down to it, how do you think a person really feels about being
an alcoholic?
“Hi, I’m Bob, and I’m powerless over my own feelings and behavior. In fact, today
I’m celebrating my eleventy-billionth day of admitting I can’t control myself.”
I can’t speak for anybody else, but I know how it made me feel. It made me feel like
a loser for an awfully long time. Fortunately, I was still pretty flexible in my thinking,
and somewhere along the way I had also heard that “A loser isn’t someone who falls
down. A loser is someone who stays down.”
Of those two options, it was pretty clear which way would serve me better. In that
moment, I could clearly see the downside, as well as the upside, to calling myself an
alcoholic. I decided it wasn’t for me. Always feeling powerless, always in recovery,
but never actually in control, and never fully recovered. Simply because of a word by
which I had chosen to define myself. At the time my exact thoughts were:
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Set Yourself Free
A Sobering Thought
“Admit you have a problem, but reject that you are powerless. As long as you can
think, then you have the power to make a choice.”
Of course, at the time I still couldn’t see what any of those choices were. I did not
know it was mainly a matter of choosing a better way to interpret things.
Today, being clean and sober means so much more to me than “not drinking”, “not
smoking” or “not doing drugs”. It means having a healthy body through which I can
accurately sense my environment, and having a clear mind through which I can
make effective decisions.
When I am healthy, I see the world clearly, unbiased by fear or desire. I can hear
both praise and criticism, without either going to my head. And I feel secure and
flexible, rather than insecure and powerless.
Smells become authentic and
revealing. Taste: true and tantalizing. All my senses are fully open to pleasure, while
providing my brain with the necessary information to steer me away from pain.
From this objective point of view, where my body is healthy enough to provide
accurate information to my brain, and my brain is clear enough to effectively assess
all sensory information it receives, I can make decisions that are in alignment with my
purpose, values, and objectives. I can see my available options, and judge the
results of my decisions before they actually occur.
When I am sober, my mind and body work together, so that my spirit flows freely.
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Set Yourself Free
Summary of Part One
Part One Summary
1 Decision:
Either my mind will serve me, or I will serve my mind.
2 Definitions:
Responsibility
-
The ability to respond in a way that serves
my purpose.
Maturity
-
The ability to see the outcome of a
decision before it actually occurs.
3 Guiding Principles:
1. There is always a choice
2. I am personally responsible
3. The better I feel about myself,
the better I will do for myself
4 Things to Remember:
1. Focus on what I want
2. Be open to possibilities
3. Trust my own judgment
4. Acknowledge what I am doing well
5 Points of Creation (Karma Control Model):
Thoughts Æ Feelings Æ Actions Æ Results Æ Experiences
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Set Yourself Free
Part Two
PART TWO
The 7 Steps to Improve Your Behavior
Identification:
1. Identify what you want
Motivation:
2. Make it essential
Patterns:
3. Pick apart the patterns
Replacement:
4. Replace your behavior and beliefs
Observance:
5. Over and over again
Validation:
6. Validate your progress
Environment:
7. Environmental support
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Set Yourself Free
Part Two
42
Set Yourself Free
Step 1. Identification
Step One: Identification
Amy was a beautiful young girl with pure blue eyes, a heart of gold, and a father
who had been sexually abusing her since she was seven years old. Now, at the
tender age of sixteen, there was only one thing she believed she was good for.
Letting adults play with her. Unfortunately, she became very good at finding adults
who were eager to confirm her belief.
By the time she was twelve she’d had a dozen “lovers” besides her father. By the time
she was fourteen, she’d run away from home, and began trading sex for places to
stay in her upper middle-class neighborhood.
She found that by trading sex for
shelter, she was at least able to stay off the streets. For a while.
Eventually Amy found someone who would promise to always make her feel loved,
and also take really good care of her, by generously allowing her do the only thing
she felt she was good for. In exchange for his love and protection, all she had to do
was a few sexual favors for him and his customers. Every day.
Sometimes her “friends”, as she liked to call them, were really nice to her. These new
adults in her life would take her out to parties, introduce her to people, and even let
those people play with her for the night. Because she was so young, pretty, and
obviously eager to please, she became very popular indeed.
Sometimes those people did things to her that she really didn’t like, very painful things
that made her feel sick inside. Sometimes they even beat her and forced things
inside of her that made her scream in agony.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 1. Identification
But even that made her feel special, because she always knew she was making
people happy. Amy remained a prostitute until the age of twenty-two. And even
though she had managed to get her own apartment by then – a safe little place
where nobody knew her, night after night she would drive back to see her special
friends. Who constantly abused and degraded her in every humanly way possible.
This is a tragic story. It is also an extremely common story. It is now estimated that
one in every three women has been sexually abused at some point in their lives. For
our purposes here, however, the question isn’t “Why did this happen?”, it’s “Why did
she keep going back?”
Amy’s own answer to that question inspired me to write this book, and eventually
became the first Guiding Principle of the 7 - Step Method. When I asked her why she
kept going back, she said, “I guess it was because I never really felt I had a choice.”
So here is an example of unhealthy behavior. Clearly Amy was enduring tremendous
pain and suffering, yet night after night she continued going back for more. Why?
What was she really after? What did she really want? Love? Acceptance? The
approval of others? A feeling of worthiness?
Each of us has our own reasons for doing foolish things that nobody knows but us.
The importance of this example, then, is simply to demonstrate that as a child, this
person had some specific emotional needs that weren’t being satisfied, and it was
those very same needs that drove her to do the things she did. Just like everyone
else on the planet is being driven by their needs, and just like you are currently being
driven by yours!
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Set Yourself Free
Step 1. Identification
In This Step: Identify What You Want
You know what you don't want, but until you have clearly identified what you do
want, how can you see any options to get it?
Here’s the secret. You have to know that your emotional needs are actually being
met, because until they are, you will continue being driven by them. The first step,
then, is to identify the actual feelings you are tying to get through your behavior.
Once you are clear about what you really want, then you can start looking for
healthier ways to get it.
For example, do you want a cigarette, or do you just want to feel calm and in
control? Do you want a drink, or do you want to feel more relaxed, confident, or
connected? What is the actual feeling you are trying to get through your undesired
behavior? When you have your purpose or goal more clearly in your sights, it puts you
in a better position to assess your current strategy, and evaluate other ways of
getting there. Does that make sense?
In this step, your job is to identify the subconscious needs you are trying to meet
through your unwanted behavior, and then to choose a personal goal you can
immediately work towards achieving.
On the next page you will find a simple way of setting yourself up to win.
The
S.M.A.R.T. Goals method is often used in business, but can be equally effective in
personal applications. In the case of developing a certain behavior, you may find
that after awhile goal setting is no longer necessary. Nonetheless, there is value in
taking this approach at the beginning, and if you keep this method in mind when
deciding the results you want to produce, you will be far more likely to succeed.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 1. Identification
S.M.A.R.T. Goals
Setting smart goals gives you a way of being clear of your intentions, of measuring
your results, and adapting to variables along the way. But rather than being used as
an ultimate measurement of success or failure, they work better simply as tools to
serve your purpose. Mere symbols of your reasons for doing things in the first place.
With that said, be sure you are always smart about your goals.
Specific
Your goal must be clearly defined in order to keep yourself focused
and moving in the right direction. If you are not specific about what
you want, then how can you figure out how to get it?
Measurable
Your goal must be measurable in order to gauge your progress and
make any adjustments along the way.
Attainable
Your goal must be within your own personal realm of achievable
possibilities, otherwise you won’t even make the effort.
Rewarding
You must know your goal is even worth the effort in order to
overcome any obstacles along the way.
Time-Bounded
Your goal must have a deadline. A cut-off point where you can
separate your original intentions from your actual results, and then
try again if necessary.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 1. Identification
Examples.
Useless Goals
Get myself back in shape
Stop drinking
Quit Smoking
Have a relationship
at some point
Smart Goals
•
Lose 5 pounds by Mar. 31st
•
Go for a walk this afternoon
•
Work-out 60 times over the next
12 weeks
•
Stop drinking alcohol
consecutive months
•
Find a healthier way of feeling
self-confident this week
•
Have no more than 2 drinks per
day for 10 days in a row
•
By the end of today, figure out a
way to actually know I have
permanently quit smoking
•
Don’t smoke this week, and try 3
healthier things I can do to
relieve stress
•
Quit smoking for a month and
THEN figure out how I did it
•
Right now, make a list of 10
things I must have in an intimate
relationship
•
Gather my courage and ask
someone out this week
47
for
3
Set Yourself Free
Step 1. Identification
Step 1 Exercise: Tuning in to your feelings
What are some of the feelings you personally might get from doing each of the
following things? For each item, see if you can identify what actually comes up for
you. Don’t judge it, just feel it and then write it down.
Examples:
A shoulder massage
relaxation, serenity
Picking your nose
disgust
A home-cooked meal
A cup of coffee
Reading a book
Watching a movie
Smoking a cigarette
Suntanning
A kiss
Receiving a compliment
Getting drunk
Having an extra $10,000
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Set Yourself Free
Step 1. Identification
Step 1 Assignment: Identify What You Want
Describe your unwanted habit or behavior. What is it you are currently doing that is
causing you concern?
What are the unwanted feelings that behavior gives you?
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Set Yourself Free
Step 1. Identification
Describe two specific times where you have indulged in this behavior.
1.
2.
Describe any common elements or patterns between those two incidents.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 1. Identification
Now what is it you really want to feel? In the space below, describe the feelings or
emotions you would now like to experience more often in your life. Be sure to state
what you want in positive terms. This means rather than saying what you don’t want,
be sure to say what you do want. For example, rather than saying “I don’t want to
feel bad”, just say, “I want to feel good”.
How do I want to feel?
Now in just one sentence, or even better, in just one or two words, look over your
previous answer and simply decide:
What is the one thing I would most like to feel or experience more often in my life?
And what is the one, biggest thing within myself that could prevent me from getting
where I want to be?
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Set Yourself Free
Step 1. Identification
Now paying very close attention to that one thing you want to feel or experience
more often in your life…
While thinking about your unwanted habit or addiction…
And keeping in mind the smart goals criteria from a few pages back…
In one sentence, what is the Desired Result you must now achieve?
My Desired Result:
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________
Congratulations. Great job. You have now completed Step One.
Before moving on, be sure to acknowledge your accomplishment and recall what
you have learned so far. Remember. “The better I feel about myself, the better I will
do for myself.”
How good does it feel to be finally on your way?
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Set Yourself Free
Step 2. Motivation
Step Two: Motivation
Linda was overweight. Not just a little, at least a hundred pounds overweight. Her
husband, a veterinarian, had a private clinic where Linda was the manager and
receptionist. Part of her job was to weigh the animals when they came in, a task she
hated because she always wondered what people were thinking as she operated
the scales.
For years, Linda had done her best to improve her appearance by spending a lot of
time and money buying fashionable clothes, and for a while that seemed to work.
But now, there was simply no hiding the fact that she wasn’t just “plus-sized”, she was
fat. One morning, while looking through her extensive wardrobe to find something to
wear, she suddenly broke down and cried because she knew that buying new
clothes really wasn’t the answer.
Or was it?
At that moment, she had a crazy, wonderful thought. But it seemed so outrageous
she could barely even form it. And then it became so clear in her head that she
actually spoke it right out loud. To her surprise, even just thinking about it suddenly
made her feel lighter! Here was what she thought:
“What if the only thing I had to wear were my pajamas until I had lost some weight?”
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Set Yourself Free
Step 2. Motivation
For some reason, the thought of showing up at work in her pajamas felt so funny to
her, even though she knew she could never bring herself to actually do it, she figured
she might be on to something. That night, she talked to her husband about it, and
together they came up with a plan.
Linda decided she was going to throw out all her clothes. Everything. Coats, pants,
shirts, dresses, undergarments, even socks and nylons. All she would keep is one outfit
for work, and one sweatsuit for at home. She would even throw out her pajamas and
sleep naked. (An idea her husband wholly supported!) And as soon as she had lost
5 pounds, she would allow herself to buy something new to wear.
It then took Linda almost six weeks of tears, frustration, and “constantly washing those
two damn outfits” before she finally lost that first bit of weight. But for her, that was the
turning point. After that, she stuck to her plan of buying one new thing to wear for
every five pounds she lost. Eventually, Linda developed a far healthier, happier
lifestyle, and got a bunch of new clothes in the process.
Three sizes smaller than when she started.
This technique might also be called “burning your bridges behind you”. Meaning if
you give yourself no other choice than to succeed, chances are you will succeed.
In Linda’s case, since breaking her word to herself was never an option, she gave
herself no other choice than to start losing weight, or she wouldn’t have anything to
wear.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 2. Motivation
In This Step: Make It Essential
Reasons come first, answers come second. If you get a big enough WHY to do
something, the HOW becomes easier.
Ever notice how you usually accomplish the things you MUST do, while the things you
SHOULD do typically get postponed? Think of your basic daily functions. SHOULD you
eat, sleep, drink, or bathe upon occasion? Or are those things you MUST do?
How about getting dressed, going to work, or putting gas in your car? Are those
things that you should merely get around to sometime? Or have you decided they
are absolutely essential to your day?
In this step, you must discover your own most compelling reasons for making the
desired change. By fully associating to the undeniable consequences of your
actions, you will easily find big enough reasons to get the job done.
Here there are two critical factors:
1. You have to find YOUR most compelling reasons. No one else’s reasons will do.
2. You must get a physical awareness, not just a mental awareness, of your
reasons. This means you will have to temporarily experience both the painful
and the pleasurable consequences of your behavior, in order to fully associate
to your feelings and get the motivation you need.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 2. Motivation
Step 2 Exercise, Part A: Reasons Come First, Answers Come Later
Describe the inevitable bad consequences of not improving my behavior. If I don’t
ever deal with it, what will eventually happen beyond the shadow of a doubt?
What impact will those bad things have upon my life?
How will that make me feel?
Who else will it affect, and how might it make them feel?
And how will that make me feel, knowing I let it happen?
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Set Yourself Free
Step 2. Motivation
Step 2 Exercise, Part B: When I Get a Big Enough WHY, the HOW Becomes Easier.
Describe the inevitable good consequences of achieving my Desired Result. What
good things will that lead to beyond the shadow of a doubt?
What impact will those good things have upon my life?
How will that make me feel?
Who else will it affect, and how might it make them feel?
And how will that make me feel, knowing I made it happen?
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Set Yourself Free
Step 2. Motivation
Step 2. Assignment: Make It Essential
Part A) In the space below, brainstorm even more reasons to finally improve your
behavior. ie, what is it costing you mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, in your
relationships, what do you have to gain, what do you have to lose… Just list or
describe all your most compelling reasons to finally solve the problem.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 2. Motivation
Part B) Essential Reasons To Improve
What’s missing in my life right now?
Why do I want that?
What else will happen if I never solve this problem?
How will that feel?
What will happen once I finally do solve this problem?
How will that feel?
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Set Yourself Free
Step 2. Motivation
Write down the Desired Result you identified in Step One (Page 52).
Now take a moment and look back over all your statements on the last few pages.
Take it all in, think about your reasons, experience those feelings in your body… and
then mentally ask yourself, “What is really so important to me about doing this? What
will ensure that I overcome any challenges along the way?”
Write down your top 3 most compelling reasons to achieve your Desired Result.
1.
2.
3.
Beautiful.
You have now finished Step 2.
Nice job. Once again, be sure to
acknowledge your progress, and let’s move on to Step 3.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
Step Three: Patterns
Michael was thirty-two years old. A successful businessman, a father of two children,
had a beautiful wife, his own home, and all the appearances of a happy life. He was
also an alcoholic.
Michael had started drinking at the age of fourteen, eager to be loved and
accepted by other people. The first time he went out drinking, he had tried to keep
up with some older boys, and got so sick he vowed never to puke again.
But that
didn’t stop him from drinking.
It took a while for him to build up his tolerance – maybe two or three years of regular
weekend binges, but eventually, he learned to suppress his body’s natural impulse to
protect itself. By then he was able to consume massive amounts of alcohol.
Soon he developed a whole new identity around his capacity to drink. As he gained
more and more recognition among his friends, he was driven to more and more
self-destructive behavior – always seeking the approval of people even more foolish
than he was. And always increasing the outrageous lengths he would go to simply to
win their favor.
Soon his friends started calling him “The Champ”.
Once, he even heard himself
being described as a “legend”. Now there was a healthy image to uphold: A
Legendary Drunk.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
Not surprisingly, with his common sense so frequently impaired, and always feeling
pressured to one-up his own drunken exploits, Michael’s life quickly fell apart.
Besides leading to drug and gambling addictions, time in prison, the eventual loss of
his family, friends, home, and all his money… and after spending many years in a
drunken stupor of despair, Michael was still convinced his drinking had no effect on
his life. He’d say things like, “Drinking isn’t the problem. That’s the only time I can be
myself.” Or “I’m fine. I can handle it.”
I know this guy’s story well. I know it because it was me. The reason I’m telling you
about it now is because Step 3 is where most of your work has to be done. In this step,
there are several different parts to complete, and some of them won’t be easy. This
way, you will at least know that I am not asking you to do anything I haven’t already
done for myself, and I can give you the benefits of my own personal experience.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
In This Step: Pick Apart The Patterns
At the root of every action, you have many beliefs about yourself and your
environment. Some of those beliefs are good for you. Some, not so good. Now you
must decide which are which.
You must strengthen the beliefs that support you, and drop the ones that no longer
do you any good – no matter how much comfort they may have given you in
the past.
Eventually, you will have to assess both the internal and external factors. For now,
we’re just going to focus on what’s going on inside of you. Once we’ve got a handle
on that, we’ll tackle the outside influences later on in the book.
Within yourself, you must now root out the mental, physical and emotional patterns
that reinforce your habit and tempt you to give in. The unchecked processes you
typically go through whenever indulging in your behavior.
By looking at the particular symptoms – the things you typically think and feel – you
will get a clear idea of what is actually going on in your head. This will give you more
power and control over your behavior.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
In my case, my entire self image was based on my ability to drink. I had allowed the
idea of being able to “drink like a champion”, to consume “legendary” amounts of
alcohol, to appear larger than life, and even to be above and beyond the law, as
being a natural part of my identity.
I wasn’t aware that I had created this façade of being invincible simply to protect
myself from being hurt. In truth, the things I was trying to keep myself from seeing,
were the same things I was compensating for by drinking. Feelings of being unloved,
inadequate, insignificant, unworthy… for me, it all came down to feeling insecure.
And so I would sit high upon my bar stool spewing out drunken proclamations such as
“Have faith in yourself!” as I secretly doubted my own value. Or I’d say, “Another
round of shooters!” without adding “to gain everybody’s attention.” I can remember
how my friends and I used to mock another local drunk who would often cry
“Nobody loves me.” Interesting how I was able to hide those exact same feelings
from myself.
These things were all patterns of thoughts, feelings, beliefs and behavior I resorted to
again and again. They stemmed from my feelings of insecurity, through repetition
became a habit, and eventually grew to the point where I became dependent.
Alcohol had given me feelings of self-worth and confidence. It had become such an
integral part of my life, I felt that without it, I wouldn’t have even known who I was. Of
course, the opposite turned out to be true. It was obviously drinking that impaired my
judgment, and it wasn’t until I gave it up that I actually found value in myself.
In this step, your objective is to discover your own unhealthy thoughts, feelings, and
beliefs. (Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!)
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
The place to begin the battle is within your own body and brain. In this step, you
need to see how each affects the other. To be at peace, it is essential to harmonize
the two. To manage your thoughts, you must pay more attention to the feelings
in your body, and to manage your feelings, you have to become more aware of
your thoughts.
Then, more than anything else, you need to find the unconscious beliefs that are
currently supporting your unwanted behavior. Pull those tired old beliefs out, and the
bad old behaviors will all come crumbling down, leaving room for a much healthier
way of being to develop.
There are three things to be aware of. Your body, your mind, and your spirit. Each
part plays an essential role in helping you get better, and none can be overlooked.
Body:
To understand what’s going on in your body, you must look at
your patterns of action, and see what you typically do.
Mind:
To understand what’s going on in your mind, you must listen to
your patterns of thought, and hear what you typically say.
Spirit:
To understand what’s going on in your soul, you must feel what
you typically believe.
See, hear, and feel whatever is going on within. Lots of work, but a big payoff when
it’s done, so let’s get to it.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
Ground Rules
1. Motion Creates Emotion
Do certain things with your body,
and feelings are sure to follow.
2. The Mind Follows The Breath
The more conscious you are of your breathing,
the easier it is to control your thoughts.
3. Beliefs Lead To Behavior
Awareness of your beliefs gives you
more control of your actions.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
Step 3 Exercise: My Current Feelings and Beliefs
Be flexible and brainstorm all the benefits of your unwanted behavior. In the space
below, describe or list all your ideas about whatever good things that behavior might
actually be helping you feel or do. Even though you are not happy with the behavior
itself, what might it actually be giving you that keeps you coming back?
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
Step 3 Assignment: Pick Apart The Patterns
Now you will discover the internal processes that lead to your behavior. Specifically,
you will look at the actual feelings involved more than the behavior itself, as that will
immediately give you more power over your actions.
Once you have identified the things you typically think, feel and believe that lead to
your behavior, then you will have the necessary knowledge and skills to control it.
Sometimes awareness alone is curative. Once you begin to see the patterns, you can
consciously interrupt them to prevent the unwanted feelings and behavior from
recurring.
In order to overcome those unwanted feelings, you are going to have to experience
them for a moment. This will help you see some of your own internal processes. While
the feelings may cause some temporary discomfort, it is necessary to identify the
unhealthy thoughts and beliefs that lead to your unwanted behavior. Just like pulling
out a splinter, there may be a quick little feeling of pain, but once it’s out, it’s out,
and it won’t ever bother you again.
And finally, while I am here to guide you every step of the way, your success or failure
in this exercise is completely up to you. It’s essential that you play full out, because if
you don’t feel it, you won’t get it.
Having said that, I must warn you there is a danger of making things even worse for
yourself if you fail to manage your feelings in this exercise. Following the directions
precisely will give you the best chance of completing this step and safely getting to
the next level.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
Recreate The Undesired Feelings In Your Body
Think deeply about your unwanted behavior. Everything that bothers you about it,
and all the trouble it is causing in your life. Thinking about all those things, how does it
make you feel?
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
While staying in control, allow yourself to gradually let those unhealthy feelings get a
little stronger. Describe where the feeling comes to your body. Where do you feel it
most, or what part of your body does it noticeably affect?
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
Now think about a specific time when you have experienced this unwanted feeling
before. Describe that situation in detail. Describe the circumstances, the place, the
people involved. Describe the sights, sounds, smells… everything you can remember
about it.
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
Now remember your body position at the time. Though it might seem odd, I’d now
like you to mimic those physical motions to improve your recollections of the
experience. Whatever you were doing at the time you felt this way, put your body
into a similar position, without actually going ahead and indulging in your old
behavior. Just put your body back in that mode and see what other feelings it stirs
up. Do this now.
Observe and listen:
Are you standing, sitting, kneeling, or lying down?
How is your posture?
How is your breathing?
What are your facial expressions?
Are your eyes looking up, down, left or right? (Or are they closed? Tight? Loose?)
Where are your hands, arms, feet?
Is there any tension / lack of tension in your upper body? Where exactly?
Is there any tension / lack of tension in your lower body? Where exactly?
How would you describe your body right now? How does it look or feel?
All these physical points are vital. Double-check the list and readjust your body until
you are sure you’ve matched a physiology that helps elicit the undesired feelings.
Keep recalling that situation that once made you feel the way you really don’t want
to feel, and be sure you are now holding your body the same way you did that time
you felt it strongly.
As you think about that situation, going deeper and deeper into the unwanted
feelings, remember you are still in control, you are just momentarily associating to the
unwanted feelings so you can see the corresponding thoughts and beliefs. Now take
a big, deep breath, and plunge right into it…
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
Discover Your Unhealthy Beliefs
Feel whatever was going on inside of you at the time. Fully associate to the pain,
while being conscious of your intent to understand it. Feel it as if the very same thing
was happening right now in this very moment. And while staying in this horrible state
of mind, body, and spirit, answer the following questions for yourself:
In this condition what do I believe is true?
What do I believe about myself?
What do I believe about other people?
What else do I believe about myself?
What else do I believe is true?
What do I believe about the world or life in general?
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
Discover Your Disempowering Thought Patterns
And now, maintaining these unhealthy feelings for just a few minutes longer, what
are some of the things you say to yourself in this condition? What questions do you
ask, what words do you use, what exactly goes through your mind?
When I am feeling like this, what are some of the things I typically think or say
to myself?
1.
2.
3.
What else do I sometimes think?
1.
2.
And what else do I sometimes say?
1.
2.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 3. Patterns
And finally, feeling all this garbage fermenting inside of you, and knowing that you
are about to get rid of these unwanted feelings forever…
What is the one most stupidest, ugliest, self-destructive, disempowering, bullshit belief
that has been plaguing me all this time?
Okay. All done. Now let’s snap out of it and shake it off. That was hard work. But
now you have some essential insight that will help you gain control of your behavior.
Let’s take a moment to acknowledge your courage and commitment. It took a lot
of self-confidence to put yourself through all that, so I just want to congratulate you
on a job well done.
At this point it is really important to go back to some long, slow, deep breathing. You
must now take care of yourself and calm your mind and body down after stirring
everything up like that. Lie down, relax, go for a walk… if possible have a glass of nice
cool water, or go outside and get some fresh air. Most important is lots of deep
breathing with big stress-relieving exhalations to get rid of all that toxic nonsense that
had been subconsciously festering inside of you for so long.
Long, slow, deep inhalation. Big, cleansing, purifying exhalation.
When you come back, I’ll show you some ways to put those unhealthy feelings
behind you forever.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 4. Replacement
Step Four: Replacement
Now that we have a better idea of what to be aware of, let’s go back and see how
this other character handled it…
For me, the last straw occurred after one of my employees had seen me making a
fool of myself in a bar. That night, as my wife was driving me home, I finally realized
just how far I had let my life spin out of control. Quite literally, I saw that I was no
longer in the driver’s seat.
A few days later I made a promise to myself. I had always felt that drinking was just
too much a part of my life to ever give it up completely, but I knew I had to do
something before I ended up back in jail, or worse. So I promised myself that if I ever
had more than three drinks in an evening, then I would shave off one of my
eyebrows.
A few days later I hooked up with an old drinking buddy and told him about my vow.
“No way. You’ll never do it,” he laughed. Not referring to whether or not I’d shave off
my eyebrow, he meant no way I’d ever be able to have less than three drinks in an
evening. Then we started joking about it as my friend reached for a bottle of wine
and asked, “So when does an evening start anyway?”
Well heck, an evening
doesn’t officially start until five p.m., and at the time it was only about two p.m. I was
still free to drink as much as I wanted until five o’clock!
So we get into and the more we drink the funnier my promise becomes.
Soon
5:00 o’clock rolls around, and I decide it’s time to get serious. Time to start my vow.
So then I pour myself my first “official” drink of the evening, and my friend and I both
sit there looking at the meager glass.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 4. Replacement
Smiling, he says, “You never said anything about how big the glass could be, did
you?” And once again, we both crack up as he pulls out a flower vase for my
inspection. Heck, that’s made out of glass! Fill ‘er up! To make a long story short, by
the end of the evening, between ordering triples, discounting shooters, and
imagining myself in different time zones, I had managed to rationalize another
ridiculous amount of alcohol.
The next morning there was no denying the facts. I had made a simple promise to
myself for nobody’s benefit but my own, and I obviously hadn’t kept it. At the time, I
had no idea what the implications would be, but driving home from my buddy’s
house that day, I finally realized it was all just me against me. So I simply pulled over
and stopped. And right there on the side of the road, I took out my shaving kit. I felt
the least I could do was keep up the other side of the bargain.
And then such an amazing thing happened that I can still recall the feeling even as
I’m typing these words today.
As the blade touched my brow, it was like the
proverbial light exploding within my body, and I suddenly knew beyond the shadow
of a doubt that the confidence I got simply from keeping my word to myself was far
more powerful than anything I ever got from drinking.
In one stroke, I had replaced nearly everything I previously believed.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 4. Replacement
In This Step: Replace Your Beliefs and Behavior
You can’t just erase a behavior, you have to replace it. Otherwise, you will just keep
on going back to your old way of doing things out of necessity or habit. As you have
already learned, more than anything else, it is the meaning you give to things that
determines how you act. By adjusting your beliefs, you stand the best chance of
adjusting your behavior.
Imagine your brain is like a jukebox. Or, if you are too young to know what a jukebox
is, imagine your brain is like a CD player. The kind that allows you to stack many
different CDs at once. With the push of a button, you can access any program you
like. Now imagine that when you were a newborn baby, it was like that jukebox brain
of yours was brand spankin’ new! Not a single record stored in it!
So there you were, fresh out of the factory, didn’t know nothin’ about nothin’.
Whack! Some guy slaps your butt, and next thing you know you’re breathing. From
that moment on, your brain started accumulating all kinds of information that got
stored in your memory banks, just like the data on a record or CD.
And every day, year after year, stuff keeps stacking up in there. Of course, if you
have never taken the time to clean out your record collection, or if you never even
realized you had any choice in the matter, then guess what? In all likelihood, you are
still playing the same tired old programs. The unconscious values and beliefs that
other people have installed in you, without even asking your permission!
But what would happen if we took one of those old records out for a minute, and
scratched it up so thoroughly that it couldn’t even be read anymore? Then your
brain could no longer interpret it the way it used to, so it would have to find some
other program to run. It would have to look for something else to think...
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Set Yourself Free
Step 4. Replacement
There are many ways to “re-program” your self. From traditional approaches like
12-step programs or psychotherapy, to modern techniques of “scrambling” your
thoughts through neuro-linguistic programming. For myself, I use daily meditation. I
feel that’s kind of like giving my brain a bath. It purges whatever grimy thoughts I
happen to get exposed to throughout the day. (You wouldn’t go for years without
cleansing your body, would you? How about cleansing your mind!)
Effective application of such techniques requires personal interaction beyond the
scope of this book. For additional guidance or private instruction, you are welcome
to visit my Web site at www.habitbuster.com. Or you can send an e-mail to
michael@habitbuster.com and I’ll be happy to direct you further.
In my own view, however, it is often enough to simply counter the unhealthy
thoughts, feelings or beliefs with their precise polar opposites. Then, as mentioned
earlier, it’s simply a matter of assessing which views are more in line with your purpose.
In this step, your goal is to replace your old beliefs and behavior with something that
meets your needs more effectively and makes you feel better about yourself.
In the next exercise you will do this two ways. Intellectually. And intuitively. We’ll start
simply by thinking about the opposites of all the unhealthy things we discovered in
Step 3. This part will be a purely intellectual exercise that shouldn’t require much
effort.
Then, just as you did with all the bad stuff, you will start to experience some of the
good stuff you have inside of you. The strong and healthy feelings that can put you
in a better state of mind and help you achieve your desired results.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 4. Replacement
Step 4 Exercise: List New Positive Possibilities.
Please refer back to your answers beginning on page 71. Then, on this page, write
down the precise opposite of your answers, no matter how silly or untrue they might
sound. Feel free to laugh like hell anytime you like.
Example
The old Negative Possibility from page 71…
(Here we call it a possibility because you now have a choice about what to believe.)
I’m a loser who never gets a chance.
In this condition what do I believe is true?
…Becomes a new Positive Possibility on this page:
(Just write down the opposite. You don’t actually have to believe it.)
In this condition what could I believe is true?
In this condition what could I believe is true?
What could I believe about myself?
What could I believe about other people?
78
I’m a winner who has a chance right now.
Set Yourself Free
Step 4. Replacement
What else could I believe about myself?
What else could I believe is true?
What could I believe about the world or life in general?
When I am feeling like this, what are some things I could think or say to myself?
1.
2.
3.
What else could I sometimes think?
1.
2.
And what else could I sometimes say?
1.
2.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 4. Replacement
Good job. Now in preparation for the next part, I’d like you to think back and write
down three things you did with your body to magnify those old unwanted feelings we
were talking about in Step 3. What specific body movements contributed most to
making you feel bad like that? Write them down.
1.______________________________________________________________
2.______________________________________________________________
3.______________________________________________________________
Just as you counter-balanced the negative thought patterns, I’d like you to try doing
the opposite motions with your body, and see what feelings it invokes. Whatever
three things you did with your body before, I now want you to do three opposite
things with the same body parts.
Do this now and then describe whatever feelings come to you:
So what did we learn? Subtle or obvious, the feelings you created by changing what
you did with your body were undoubtedly different than the feelings you had in the
other position, right? (At the very least, feeling silly is different than feeling bad!)
In the upcoming assignment, the method to this madness will become apparent as
you begin tapping into your own most powerful, personal resources.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 5. Observance
Step 4 Assignment: Replace My Beliefs and Behavior
Now it is just you on you and there is nobody to help but you. If you can finish this
mentally, physically, and spiritually healing assignment, you will have taken a giant
step towards your goal and will find even more support as you continue to improve.
But if you wimp out, you really will be on your own and there will be nobody who can
help you until you have decided you are worth the effort.
Replace Beliefs
Reinforce what you are working towards. Write down your Desired Result again:
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
And now decide what feelings you need to cultivate or condition within yourself to
get the job done. What is the one thing you need to feel more than anything else in
order to achieve your result?
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
Experience The Desired Feelings In Your Body
Now we go through the same series of questions we’ve done twice before. First it
was to find the extreme negative path, then to find the extreme positive path, and
now to chart your own most reliable path somewhere in between.
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Set Yourself Free
Step 5. Observance
Think about that feeling you have just said you will need to experience or develop in
order to achieve your goal. What was it again?____________________________________
You were able to do this easily enough for your bad feelings; let’s see if you can start
to feel anything like those good feelings you have in mind. This is the turning point.
Think about a time you have felt something like that quality or state of mind you
desire.
Describe the moment. When was a time you have actually experienced something
like this feeling before. This healthy state of mind and body you certainly know exists
because at some point you have actually seen it in your life, even if only for a
moment. When was that moment or when have you felt this way before?
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
Describe that situation in even more detail. Describe the circumstances, the place,
the people involved.
Describe the sights, sounds, smells… everything you can
remember about it.
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
While staying in control, allow yourself to gradually let those healthy thoughts and
feelings get a little stronger. Describe where the feeling comes to your body. Where
do you feel it most, or what part of your body does it noticeably affect?
__________________________________________________________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________________
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Step 5. Observance
Remember your body position at the time. It no longer seems odd. In fact, now it
seems only natural as your body instinctively goes through those healthy motions
again. Feeling, remembering, awakening all those deep heartfelt emotions…
Keep doing those motions to improve your recollection of the experience. Whatever
you were doing at the time you felt this way before, put your body into a similar
position…
Observe and listen:
Are you standing, sitting, kneeling, or lying down?
How is your posture?
How is your breathing?
What are your facial expressions?
Are your eyes looking up, down, left or right? Or are they closed?
Where are your hands, arms, feet?
Is there any lightness in your body? Where exactly?
How would you describe your body right now? How does it look…
How are you starting to feel?
As you think about that situation, going deeper and deeper into the desired feelings,
remember you are now in control and there is nothing left to fear. You are simply
remembering the happiness that is your birthright and experiencing your own
God-given ability to heal yourself…
To uplift yourself…
To experience your own Creative Potential…
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Step 5. Observance
Discover Your Healthy Beliefs
Now take a big, deep breath, and let the feelings flood throughout your body…
Feel whatever is going on inside of you. Fully associate to the pleasure without even
a thought of any need to understand it. Let it heal, uplift and purify you. And while
staying in this beautiful state of mind, body and spirit, answer the following questions.
In this condition, what do I believe is true?
What do I believe about myself?
What do I believe about other people?
What else do I believe about myself?
What else do I believe is true?
What do I believe about the world or life in general?
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Step 5. Observance
Discover Your Empowering Thought Patterns
And now maintaining these healthy feelings for just a few minutes longer, what are
some of the things you say to yourself in this place? What questions do you ask, what
words do you use, what exactly goes through your mind?
When I am feeling like this, what are some of the things I would think or say to myself?
1.
2.
3.
What else do I really think?
1.
2.
And what else would I actually say?
1.
2.
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Step 5. Observance
And finally, feeling all this value building inside of you, and knowing that from this
point forward you will be far more effective in your life…
What is one of the simplest and most reliable truths I can always count on to help me
find my way?
How does knowing that make me feel?
With regards to your new beliefs, what healthy new behavior will you now start
developing to enjoy these feelings more often and achieve your Desired Result?
My New Behavior is to:
And what is one small but definite step you can now take towards achieving your
Desired Result? What action will you take right now, in this very moment, to move
towards developing this new kind of behavior, in support of a healthy, but still fragile
new belief?
I am now going to:
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Step 5. Observance
Now let’s stop talking about it and go out there and do it!
Once you have done what you said you would, come back and write down your
observations. After that, we will talk about reinforcing what you have learned to
ensure long-term success.
What did I accomplish?
What’s great about that?
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Step 5. Observance
Step Five: Observance
This is one of my favorite success stories.
Steve had been depressed for as long as he could remember. After being laid off
from his job as a heavy equipment operator, a job he was really good at, financial
problems had quickly overtaken him and caused a tremendous strain on his
marriage. He and his wife were still together, but he knew their constant fighting over
money was having a really bad effect on their nine-year-old son.
Steve felt devastated by the fact that he couldn’t keep up with his mortgage
payments, that his unemployment insurance had run out, that he still hadn’t found
another job… But when it came right down to it, more than anything else, he was
feeling cheated because after supporting his family for so long, it seemed they were
not supportive of him. It felt like his wife had totally lost respect for him and now she
was barely even speaking to him.
Desperately, Steve had secretly started buying lottery tickets, and had even been
taking cash advances on his credit cards in order to finance his $200 a week habit.
He felt “If only I had the money” things would go back to the way they were and all
of them would be happy. He’d take her on a nice vacation and give her everything
she wanted.
When I first talked to Steve, despite his problems, he was very optimistic and we
immediately had good rapport. In reference to his lottery spending, I asked the
standard counseling question: “So how’s it working for you so far?” He surprised me
by saying his success was actually a big part of the problem.
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Step 5. Observance
Turns out he and his wife had once won $6,000 in a lottery. Even though it happened
more than twelve years ago, Steve had an undeniable reference that money can
actually be won, and also how it can suddenly make things better. They had used
those winnings towards the purchase of their house. Ever since then, he had often
bought lottery tickets hoping for similar results. But sometimes he spent a lot more
money than others. So I simply asked when he found himself buying more tickets. He
answered, “Whenever I’m depressed or feel like there’s nothing more I can do.”
Then I asked how often he felt like that lately: “All the time!”
After working the 7 Steps, Steve got a little more perspective on his situation and then
came up with the following belief that really made sense to him: “My wife still loves
me even when I’m a jerk.” He felt that was all he needed to know in order to stop his
gambling.
Since it wasn’t my place to judge his beliefs, we left it at that for the moment. But I
knew we would still have to fortify his new belief. To not only get the idea of it into his
head, but also to feel it in his body. He decided to go home and simply repeat the
phrase “My wife still loves me even when I’m a jerk” at least a hundred times a day,
every day until our next session.
The following week, Steve came in grinning from ear to ear. His wife had given him
something even better to believe. After overhearing him reciting his “affirmation”,
she told him to remember this instead: “I love you because you are always there
for me.”
Steve had then started to think about all the times he really had been there for his
wife. Best of all, he now knew that she knew it too. He also knew that his new belief
“She loves me because I am always there for her” would stand the test of time. He
would actually enjoy remembering and repeating it in any situation or context.
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Step 5. Observance
In This Step: Over and Over Again
The fact is, you can instantly change your behavior, but the real challenge is learning
how to accept your own truth as being greater than the stories other people are
selling you. Here, repetition is the key.
Over the years, your mind has been unconsciously programmed to serve others. Now
you must consciously train it to serve yourself. You must exercise your own power of
choice over and over again, constantly choosing the new level of behavior in a
variety of situations. Gradually, you will re-condition yourself to prefer the healthier
option. This is the part that always takes time, but don't get caught in the trap of
perpetual recovery. Ask yourself how you will know when the job is finally done.
Now it is essential to strengthen and reinforce your new beliefs and behavior on a
daily basis. At this point, they are like a fragile little seed that has the potential to
grow into a mighty oak tree, but must first be nurtured, protected, and given some
time to grow. In this step, your goal is simply to observe your new beliefs and behavior
over a set period of time.
To observe not only means to watch, it can also mean to follow a specific set of rules
or a predetermined course of action. Just like “observing the law”, you must now
observe your own laws and maintain these higher standards you have set for yourself.
You must stick with it until you are sure these new thoughts, feelings and actions feel
even more natural and effective than your other ones did.
At times you will stumble, falter, and even momentarily lose your way, but there is a
saying that “you can never un-see what you have seen”. Now that you have seen
something of your own inner truth, you will always have these personal statements
you have made to guide you along the way.
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Step 5. Observance
But guide you to where? That’s still the essential question, isn’t it? Just where the heck
is doing all this work actually going to get you? And for how long will you have to
keep it up before you really don’t have to worry about it any more?
The answer is, it’s totally up to you. Now you are the one in the driver’s seat, so now
you have to plan your own route and be responsible for your progress. We’ll talk more
about this in Step 6, but before we get to that, let me give you some additional
perspective on how long you may have to work at this.
The ancient yogis said it to takes 40 days of focus to break a habit. In Buddhism, the
Buddha himself sat under a tree for 40 days and nights before experiencing
“Nirvana” and feeling he had found salvation.
In Christianity, Noah survived a
40-day flood which purified the earth, and Lent marks the 40 days before Easter, a
period of fasting and cleansing reminiscent of the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert
resisting the temptations of Satan. I consider such accomplishments no more heroic
than the battle you are about to take on yourself.
While 40 days is an excellent mark to shoot for, I’d also like to offer you a modern
measurement that has always served me well. I first heard this when I was about
twenty years old, listening to a very wise and philosophical businessman by the name
of Jim Rohn. As Mr. Rohn put it:
“What would you say if I asked: ‘How long would you give your average baby to
learn how to walk? How long would you let him try, before you wrote him off? Before
you put it out of your mind and gave up on him altogether?’
You’d say that’s
ridiculous. When learning how to walk my baby is going to try UNTIL he succeeds.”
That’s the magic formula. Try until.
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Step 5. Observance
Step 5 Exercise: Observing My New Beliefs and Behavior
Take a moment now to review all the great work you have done to this point. First
you identified something you want to achieve. Then you figured out your top three
reasons for achieving it. Next, you analyzed the negative and positive elements that
will either hurt you or help along your way. And finally, you developed a new kind of
behavior that is more in line with your true thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.
Now it is time to start practicing that behavior.
What is one other thing you can do to practice, strengthen or reinforce your healthy
new behavior right now? What can you do, who can you tell, where can you go…
First, write down what else you will do:
And once again go on out there and do it! When you have finished, answer the
following question:
How does it feel to consciously keep my word to my self?
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Step 5. Observance
Step 5 Assignment:
Repeat your new beliefs, and practice your new behavior over and over again.
Listen:
The more often I say the words…
the stronger my beliefs become.
The more places I say the words…
the stronger my beliefs become.
The more intensely I feel about all these words I am saying…
The stronger my beliefs become.
The stronger my beliefs become.
The stronger my beliefs become.
Feel that?
Repetition with emotion.
Repetition with emotion.
Repetition with emotion.
Repetition with what?
Repetition with _______________
See?
It works.
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Step 5. Observance
Review your answers on pages 84 to 86, and then list two healthy beliefs that can
help you achieve your desired result.
1.
2.
Take a moment now and choose one of those beliefs to focus on developing today.
What you are now going to do for the rest of the day is simply practice reinforcing it.
To do that, you must keep on saying it over and over again, in many different tones
of voice, and in many different places or situations. And most important, you must
say the words with feeling. The stronger your feelings, the better your results.
What will this do? Well, it’s kind of like building a highway over top of an old dirt road.
It will take a bit of effort at the start, but once it is done, everything will go a lot more
smoothly.
Write down the words you are now going to practice repeating over and over again
today:
That’s just to get you started today.
For the upcoming days and weeks, or for
however long you think it will personally take you to re-condition your mind and body
this way, what length of time are you now going to commit to working on these
powerful new beliefs? How many times per day, and over how many days or weeks
will you now spend reciting each of those powerful new beliefs over and over again
while fully associating to the feelings?
Minimum times per day:
Minimum number of days:
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Excellent.
Step 5. Observance
Now regarding your new behavior, given that these instructions are
intentionally laid out to serve as many people as possible, you must now take it upon
yourself to practice and develop your own healthy behavior. Gradually it will start to
feel more natural, and far more effective and reliable in helping you get your desired
results.
And don’t kid yourself. Unless you are now reading this book for the third or fourth
time, you are probably not there yet. The fact is, you have to experience this stuff for
a while before you can know it in your body as well as in your brain. So being totally
patient and respectful of yourself, what are the two most important behaviors or
actions you are now going to work on developing over time?
1.
2.
And for what length of time are you now going to commit to working on these two
new behaviors to start? How many times per day, and over how many days or weeks
will you now spend practicing these healthy new behaviors?
Minimum times per day:
Minimum number of days:
And now the million dollar question… How will you know when you are done? Don’t
worry if you can’t quite see that mark yet. Just trust that as long as you feel you are
improving, then at least you are moving in a good direction. Gradually, your purpose
will become clear and your objectives even more well-defined along the way.
How will I know when I am done?
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Step 6. Validation
Step Six: Validation
Marnie was a smoker. Had been a smoker for over fifty years. And for more than half
that time, she had been fighting with her husband about it. Seems she’d quit a
hundred times before and it always made her mad. “Damn him for telling me what
to do! I’ll smoke anytime I damn well please and if he doesn’t like it, he can leave!”
Sure enough, guess what happened? He left. One summer morning her husband,
Poppa, as he was known to the grandchildren, had a stroke and never regained
consciousness. Of course the whole family was devastated. Besides Marnie, Poppa
had left behind two sons, a daughter, and five grandchildren.
And now Marnie was alone at night. The emptiness of the bed she had always
shared with her husband now chilled her to the bone. One evening, sitting alone at
the same kitchen table where she had been smoking for all those years, she just
looked at her package of cigarettes lying there on the table, and without even a
second thought, picked it up and dropped it into the garbage can. It wasn’t the first
time she had ever quit, but it was the first time she felt she was doing it for herself.
And whether it was because she could no longer stand hearing her sons nagging
about it now instead of their father, or having to avoid her grandchildren’s direct and
innocent questions on the subject, or whether it was simply because she had
suddenly realized she had always been free to make this choice herself, even if her
husband had been pushing her all the time – after fifty years of smoking, Marnie had
finally decided to quit. For herself.
“Goddamn I wish he had just left me alone and I would have done it sooner.”
Whatever…
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Step 6. Validation
In This Step: Validate Your Progress
By this stage you are well on your way to transforming your beliefs and behavior. You
have identified what you really want; you have acquired the necessary motivation to
see it through; you have eliminated the unhealthy mental, physical, and emotional
patterns that have been holding you back; you have replaced those unhealthy
patterns with beliefs that serve you; and you have practiced aligning your daily
actions with your true values and objectives. Now, the best thing you can do is
constantly catch yourself doing things well.
By focusing on the positive aspects of your progress, you not only validate your own
self-worth and judgment, you invalidate the negative programming that had
previously been oppressing you. As you focus more and more on the small but
definite improvements you are making, you will quickly gain the momentum to break
free entirely, and enjoy ever-increasing levels of success. Now let’s talk a little more
about what success actually means.
Some people would say that climbing Mount Everest is one of the most difficult
battles of mental, physical and spiritual endurance a person can undertake. Over
the years, far more people have been denied the pleasure of reaching that
particular summit, than have ever actually made it. In fact, many people die in the
attempt. As far as personal challenges go, by any measurement climbing Everest
certainly holds its own.
I once met a man named Jim Hayhurst, Sr. Over the last twenty years, Jim has made
several different attempts to reach the summit of Mount Everest. Each time, he has
been turned back for a variety of different reasons. Sometimes weather conditions,
sometimes lack of guidance, sometimes through sickness or fatigue to members of
their climbing party.
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Step 6. Validation
On his last climb, Jim and his team found themselves facing what seemed like an
impossible decision. More than three quarters of their way up the mountain, one of
the climbers developed pulmonary edema, a condition that meant certain death for
that person if their party continued to climb. Of course, they were all experienced
climbers and obviously knew the risks, but they had also been in this situation before.
They knew that if they turned back now, some of the climbers would never get
another chance to achieve their dream.
What happened that day on the mountain, in the middle of all that swirling weather,
is that each climber had to stop and think about what he was really trying to
achieve.
For some of them, reaching the summit was the only acceptable
measurement of success. It was what they had set out to accomplish and nothing
less would do. On the other side of the coin, there was also the age-old question, “At
what price success?” Was climbing a mountain really worth dying for? What about
all their friends and loved ones back home? How would they feel about it?
At this point, I simply have to ask you: Is the confidence you get from a drink, the high
you get from a drug, or the relaxation you get from a cigarette… is it really worth
dying for? What about the people who care about you? And what about the things
you care about – all the pleasure in life you can never experience when you are
depressed, desperate, or dead?
In facing difficult situations, great knowledge is born. For my own understanding of
success, I am always sure to acknowledge the incredible effort and expense that
went into obtaining the following perspective, and to credit that team of climbers for
the profound wisdom they brought back. Here is what they discovered:
“Success is the attainment of purpose without compromising core values.”
-Jim Hayhurst, Sr.
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Here’s the thing.
Step 6. Validation
Success isn’t measured by the achievement of a goal, or by
accomplishing precisely what you set out to do, or even by your ability to keep your
word without ever being able to change your mind or move in a different direction.
It is your reasons for pursuing the goal that matter. Those are the things you truly
value, not some trophy to put upon the mantle. By focusing on your own personal
values, rather than being guided by your goals, that is how you will truly begin to live
well. And what is a value? It is simply a question you ask yourself when comparing
different things: What is worth more to me?
Understanding the difference between what you crave and what you value is what
gives you more integrity and brings greater personal fulfillment. Staying focused on
your priorities, remembering who and what you value, that’s what always works best.
That’s why they say success is a journey, not a destination.
If you want to live well, set yourself some goals, but focus more on fulfilling your
purpose. Notice what you are feeling, not just what you are achieving. Then you will
truly enjoy the process and naturally attract whatever you need to get where you
want to be.
Now you must practice following through, doing things for yourself, and consistently
focusing on the positive steps you are taking. Then the cycle of success will kick in.
The better you start feeling about yourself, the better you start doing for yourself, and
from there things gradually start to improve. Slowly at first, and then it just keeps on
getting better all the time.
Look for it.
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Step 6. Validation
Step 6 Exercise: Notice My Results
Refer back to Step 1, page 51 and recall what you wrote down in response to “What
is the one biggest thing within myself that could prevent me from getting where I
want to be.” Write it down again:
So how do you feel about that now?
Record any other thoughts, feelings or observations you may have at the moment:
On the next page, study the 5 Steps to Success and see how they might apply to
what you are setting out to achieve. Once again, record any thoughts below:
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Step 6. Validation
The 5 Steps to Success
1. Decide What You Want and Why. Without a target, you have nothing to keep
you focused, and without knowing what you value, you have no reliable way
to assess your options.
2. Take Action. Any action is better than no action. If you act and you are right,
you have taken a solid step forward. If you act and you are wrong, you have
something you can learn from. If you never act in any direction, one day the
pain of regret will far outweigh the pain of anything else.
3. Measure Your Results. As you start moving in any direction you have to notice
your results. Just like following a road map, you have to have a means of
measuring your progress or reaching certain milestones along the way. If you
don’t notice your results, you might not even notice you are doing well!
4. Modify Your Approach. They say that the shortest distance between two
points is a straight line, but life simply isn’t like that. It’s more like you are the
pilot of an airplane. As you encounter any turbulence, you must constantly
make adjustments in order to keep moving in the same general direction.
5. Try Until…
“Nothing succeeds like persistence.
Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.”
- Calvin Coolidge
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Step 6. Validation
Step 6 Assignment: Validate Your Progress
Following the example on the next page, print or make copies of the Weekly Practice
Sheet. Use it for a week, or for as long as you feel you need it.
For the first week, use it to track the commitments you made to yourself in Step 5, the
minimum number of times and days you said you were going to practice developing
your new beliefs and behaviors.
Once you have accomplished that, feel free to adapt or customize the chart to suit
your own individual purpose and preferences. Or come up with some other effective
way of consistently tracking your progress towards your desired results.
Be sure to celebrate your daily achievements in order to keep yourself feeling good
about what you are doing.
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Step 6. Validation
Example: Weekly Practice Sheet
Practice Developing New Beliefs
New Belief
Old Belief
Long, slow, deep
breathing helps me
to relax.
Smoking helps
me relax
It feels good
to be in control of
my own mind
and body.
It feels good
to have a smoke
I enjoy breathing
like a newborn baby!
I enjoy smoking
Choose 1 belief to focus on this week and practice saying it with feeling at least ______ times per day.
Sunday
Monday
Practice Developing New Behaviors
New Behavior
Cup my left hand
over my diaphragm
while taking long,
slow, deep breaths
several times a day
Allow myself
no more than
2 cigarettes
per day
Old Behavior
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Friday
Saturday
Measure My Results: How did I do each day?
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Smoking when I feel
nervous or stressed
Smoking in social
settings or whenever
I have a drink
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Wednesday
Thursday
Set Yourself Free
Step 6. Validation
Weekly Practice Sheet
Practice Developing New Beliefs
New Belief
Old Belief
Choose 1 belief to focus on this week and practice saying it with feeling at least ______ times per day.
Sunday
Monday
Practice Developing New Behaviors
New Behavior
Old Behavior
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Friday
Saturday
Measure My Results: How did I do each day?
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
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Wednesday
Thursday
Set Yourself Free
Step 6. Validation
More About Validating Your Progress…
Ultimately, you want to get to a point where you no longer have to think so much
about choosing this new behavior, just like you never thought so much about
choosing your old behavior. You just went ahead and did it by default.
As a guideline for developing a new behavior, TRY UNTIL usually means working on it
until you are sure it has become an integral part of your identity. Where the new
behavior has become so deeply ingrained into your way of life, that now you just go
ahead and do it without even worrying about it any more. Give it time. Keep up.
The 4 Stages of Proficiency
1. Unconsciously Incompetent – A person is unskilled at something and unaware
they cannot do it. Example: A man who has never used his breathing as a
means to control his anger, would neither know how it is done, nor even think it
would be possible unless he was shown how.
2. Consciously Incompetent – A person is unskilled at something and aware they
cannot do it. Example: A woman sees someone riding a unicycle and knows
what would happen if she tried doing it herself.
3. Consciously Competent – A person is skilled at something yet still has to think
about doing it. Example: A young girl knows she is good at math, but still has to
think about her multiplication tables.
4. Unconsciously Competent – A person is skilled at something and no longer has
to think about it. Example: Anybody who has driven a car for a while can
operate the accelerator without any conscious effort.
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Step 7. Environment
Step Seven: Environment
Brian was a passionate musician who had experienced his own share of tragedy and
success.
When he was eleven years old, his mother had been killed in a car
accident.
He had always felt that his mother’s death had made him unusually aware of the
fragility of life. Fifteen years later, he still couldn’t understand why there had to be so
much pain and suffering in the world. Why people couldn’t live in harmony with each
other rather than fighting all the time.
For him it was no cliché. His ideal life would be to live on a commune where
everyone lived and worked and played together, without so many rules and
boundaries making them so uptight. Still, he had managed to live pretty well. As a
talented session player, he had no shortage of work. Lately though, he had been
getting tired not only of the kind of music he was playing, but also of the kind of
people he was hanging out with.
Brian lived in a major metropolitan city where there were plenty of drugs around. He
usually took whatever happened to be available, though heroin had always been his
drug of choice. These days, he preferred to smoke a high grade of it rather than
“injecting crap” like many of his peers.
Drug and alcohol abuse was common in the circles which he traveled. For him it all
felt pretty social. People had a good time. It felt light. Loose. Free. When he was high,
he felt connected and creative, and his music just naturally seemed to flow better.
Or at least that’s what he used to believe.
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Step 7. Environment
For the past two or three years, he’d actually been wondering if that was really true,
but he’d been using for so long he wasn’t really sure he could do without it. He had
tried cleaning up before. Several times, actually, and had even enjoyed periods of
time when he had gone “nothing but ganja” for months at a time.
But there was just so much of it around. So many people offering so many different
things to him, not to mention his own steady supply. It wasn’t that he felt he lacked
will power, it was more like drinking and drugs gave him a feeling of…
“Connection. You know? Yeah. I think that’s what I get most out of it.”
It was clear Brian’s environmental influences were a huge contributing factor to his
drug and alcohol abuse. But he also had a lot of good things going for him, and now
there was definitely one bright, shining star in his life. A woman he really cared for.
The only challenge was, she had a job she really loved and didn’t want to move.
Brian had been talking to her about getting away from the city for a while, but it
looked like it wasn’t going to happen. It seemed she couldn’t afford to leave, and
he couldn’t afford to stay.
They say: “Do the thing you fear, and the death of fear is certain.”
What Brian feared most was being alone. But that is what he eventually chose to do.
He felt that if he stayed where he was there would simply be too many old
temptations. So he decided to move away for a while even without his girlfriend. It
was a huge step, but he knew the time had come to make some radical changes,
and for Brian that meant finding a healthier place to live.
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Step 7. Environment
In This Step: Environmental Support
At the start of this journey together, we talked about some of the reasons people
relapse. If you have another look at them now, you will see they all have to do with
who you feel you are and how you relate to your environment.
We set goals for ourselves in order to achieve certain feelings or a particular quality
of experience; we define ourselves in ways that set us up to accept certain beliefs
and behaviors as feeling natural; we work hard to avoid or suppress the things we
don’t want to feel, and our need to be loved and accepted by people impacts our
ability to separate ourselves from the expectations of our friends and family.
Our need to “be consistent with the way we define ourselves”, and “our longing to
belong”, creates an interesting dynamic. A playing field, if you will, where the game
is to figure out how to be true to yourself and follow your own path, without putting so
much distance between yourself and your loved ones that it leaves you feeling sad
and lonely.
In the end, all people really want is to be happy. In the final step you and I will now
take in this book, you job is to set yourself up to feel both happy and supported. And
the way to do that isn’t just by starting to interact with people who share similar
values and aspirations. Although that certainly makes it easier.
The best way to feel supported, the only way really, is to set yourself up so that you
can always tap into a source of strength or power that is greater than your problems.
Aligning yourself with your own highest power, whatever that looks like to you, is the
surest way to live well.
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Step 7. Environment
Step 7 Exercise: Asses Your Environment
On the following pages, assess your personal and physical space to determine their
impact on your performance. What is currently hurting you, what is helping you,
what’s working well for you, and what needs some extra attention.
We’ll look at your physical space first – the places where you spend the majority of
your time, to see what you can do to help yourself feel safe and supported in those
areas. It is essential to optimize your environment to help you feel confident,
comfortable and effective in whatever you want to accomplish.
Then we’ll simply assess some of your current relationships in terms of how they might
help or hinder you in the fulfillment of your purpose. In this part, we won’t go into a
lot of detail about the people in your life, we’ll just start bringing it to your awareness.
Then in the final assignment, you will make some decisions about your personal
support requirements and how you can set yourself up to win.
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Step 7. Environment
Asses Your Physical Space
Let’s keep this part in perspective. After doing all this great work, you don’t want to
start focusing on whatever you might think you’re missing and bum yourself out
again. Nor do you want to overwhelm yourself with all kinds of desires for improving
EVERYTHING about your environment. Just keep it small and focused to start with.
List 3 things you now believe are important for you to feel on a daily basis in order to
achieve the specific result you have now decided to achieve. What was it again? If
you have forgotten, refer back to page 52 and copy it down again. In fact, just for
practice, go ahead and right it down again anyway:
My Desired Result:
Now list three things – three specific qualities, emotions, or particular states of mind
you will need to feel on a consistent basis in order to achieve those results.
1.
2.
3.
So off the top of your head, what’s one thing you could now set up for yourself in
your home, in order to give yourself the time or space to feel those things more
often?
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Step 7. Environment
When are you going to set that up or what steps will you now take in that direction?
In the past, where did you feel most susceptible to indulging in the old behavior?
Where did you usually do it?
Where did you never do it?
What was it about those spaces that made you feel that way?
Where do you usually feel most supported?
Where else do you feel focused, effective, or connected?
What is it about those spaces that makes you feel that way?
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Step 7. Environment
Now think about what being supported actually feels like to you, and see if it sparks
any ideas to help you create a more supportive environment for yourself. Maybe not
just in one particular room of your home, but also in your kitchen, bedroom,
bathroom, in the car, at work, or anywhere else you spend any amount of time.
What else can you do to support or reinforce what you have now chosen to
develop? Choose two things you will now do over the next couple of days to make
yourself feel better at home, optimize your environment, or keep yourself focused on
the task at hand.
Examples:
Set up a space for meditation.
Throw out all drug paraphernalia.
Paint my bedroom a color that makes me happy.
1.
2.
Write down the date you are now committed to having these things in place by:
Item 1:
Completion Date:
Item 2:
Completion Date:
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Step 7. Environment
Assess Your Relationships
Step 1. To begin, write down the the names of all the people you have in each category below. Do this now,
and then I'll show you how to assess them. Once you are done, proceed to step 2.
Step 2. List 2 qualities you feel are essential for people to have in a healthy, supportive relationship:
1.
2.
Now label the boxes marked "Quality 1” & “Quality 2” with the two qualities you said are essential. Based on
those qualities and the way each person typically makes you feel, put a check-mark in all the boxes that you
feel apply to that person. No one has to see this but you, so be especially honest with yourself in your
assessment of each individual's effect on you.
Quality 1
Quality 2
Helpful to
me
People I Work or Do Business With
1.
2.
3.
4
5
6
Friends / Acquaintances
1.
2.
3.
4
5
6
Family Members
1.
2.
3.
4
5
6
Spouse / Mate (if applicable)
1.
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Harmful to
me
Not too
sure about
Set Yourself Free
Step 7. Environment
Step 7 Assignment: Creating a Supportive Environment
A. Get some post-it notes or small pieces of paper on which you can write down
one of your healthy new beliefs. Make at least 100 copies and stick them up all
over the place. Put those notes up in every room or space you use, even in
your car. Seriously. Then over the next two weeks, remove four or five a day,
being sure you say the words at least three times with feeling every time you
take one down.
Repetition with emotion.
Repetition with emotion.
Repetition with emotion.
Remember? The more often I say the words, the stronger my beliefs become.
B. Review the list of people with whom you have a personal relationship.
Which of those people can probably help you with what you are now
committed to achieve?
When are you going to contact them? __________________________________
If you don’t have anyone on your list you feel might be able to help, then who
are you going to call, or what are your next steps to find the guidance or
support you require?
When will you do that?
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7 Steps Summary
Summary: The 7 Steps To I.M.P.R.O.V.E.
1. Identify What You Want (Identification)
You know what you don't want, but until you have clearly identified what you do want, how can you
see any options to get it? The first thing to do is identify the subconscious needs that are driving your
behavior. Once you understand what you are really after, you can choose a healthier way to get it.
For example, do you want a cigarette, or do you want to feel calm and in control? Do you want a
drink, or do you want to feel more confident, relaxed or connected?
What is the actual feeling you're trying to get through your unwanted habit?
2. Make It Essential (Motivation)
Ever notice how you usually accomplish the things you must do, while the things you should do
typically get postponed? Think of your basic daily functions. Should you eat, sleep, drink, or bathe
upon occasion? Or are those things you MUST do? How about getting dressed, going to work, or
putting gas in your car? Are those things that you should merely get around to sometime? Or have you
decided they are absolutely essential to your day?
The key in this step is to discover your own most compelling reasons for making the desired change. By
fully associating to the undeniable consequences of your behavior, you'll quickly find the necessary
motivation.
What are three essential reasons that are compelling enough for you to finally get the job done?
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7 Steps Summary
3. Pick Apart The Patterns (Patterns)
At the root of every action, you have many beliefs about yourself and your environment. Some of
those beliefs are good for you. Some, not so good. Now you must decide which are which. You must
figure out how to strengthen the beliefs that support you, and drop the ones that no longer do you
any good – no matter how much comfort they may have given you in the past!
Within your environment, you must evaluate whatever is influencing your behavior – the external
pressures that currently distract and threaten you. Within yourself, you must root out the mental,
physical, and emotional patterns that reinforce your habit and tempt you to give in. More precisely, if
you look at the actual symptoms of your beliefs – the things you typically think, feel, say, and do when
indulging in your habit – you will get a pretty good idea of what is actually going on in your head.
This is where the real work must be done, but contrary to popular opinion, it doesn’t take years of
therapy or anonymous support groups. What it takes is the determination to ask yourself better
questions, the flexibility to choose better answers, and the courage to believe in your own highest
truth. So what do you believe is true about your habit? What’s good about it? What’s bad about it?
And do such beliefs harm you or help you? Do they limit you or liberate you?
4. Replace The Behavior and Beliefs (Replacement)
Once you know how to choose between beliefs that serve you, and beliefs that enslave you, you’ll be
free to make healthier decisions, and to behave in ways that are healthier for you all around.
Remember, you can’t just erase a behavior, you have to replace it. The best way to do that is by
building on a solid foundation. Start here:
What is one invincible truth you are absolutely certain of, or what is one good thing you believe that
has stood the test of time? Doesn’t matter how small or insignificant it may seem – if it’s real for you,
then it’s real important! Take a moment now to think of something you know in your heart is true, and
then answer the following question: "Knowing that fact is true, how does it make me feel?"
The same thing goes when developing a new habit. With regards to creating a “powerful new
identity”, one that is stronger than your unwanted habit, what is one small truth that you’re absolutely
certain of, and what is one definite step you can take to immediately begin expressing it? What
actions can you take in this very moment, to move towards developing an entirely new behavior, in
support of a fragile new belief?
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7 Steps Summary
5. Over And Over Again (Observance)
The fact is, you can instantly change your behavior, but the real challenge is learning how to accept
your own truth as being greater than the stories other people are selling you.
Here, repetition is the key. Over the years, your mind has been unconsciously programmed to serve
others. Now, you must consciously train it to serve yourself. You must exercise your own power of
choice over and over again, constantly choosing the new behavior in a variety of situations.
Gradually, you will re-condition yourself to prefer the healthier option.
This is the part that always takes time, but don't get caught in the trap of perpetual recovery. The
question to ask at this point is usually: "How will I know when I have finally won? How will I know when at
last I have fully recovered, and there is nothing left to fear?"
6. Validate Your Progress (Validation)
By this stage you are well on your way to transforming your beliefs and behavior. You have identified
what you really want; you have acquired the necessary motivation to see it through; you have
eliminated the unhealthy mental, physical, and emotional patterns that have been holding you back;
you have replaced those unhealthy patterns with beliefs that serve you; and you have spent a period
of time aligning your daily actions with your true values and objectives. Now, the best thing you can
do is constantly catch yourself doing things well.
By focusing on the positive aspects of your progress, you not only validate your own judgment and
self-worth, you invalidate the negative programming that had previously been oppressing you. As you
focus more and more on the small but definite improvements you are making, you will quickly gain the
momentum to break free entirely.
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7 Steps Summary
7. Environmental Support (Environment)
It's imperative to catch yourself doing things well, and to truly reinforce your new behavior. Its also
important to get the encouragement of others. By creating a supportive environment, both in your
physical space and also by associating with happy, healthy people, you are far more likely to get
where you want to be.
Finally, there is an old saying that goes: "If you want to learn something, practice it. If you want to
master something, teach it."
Now you are free not only to choose your course of action, but to share what you have learned with
others. At this point there is no turning back. You have seen the truth of your own personal responsibility
and the power to create your fate.
Involve yourself with a community of like-minded individuals eager to help you succeed. Relax, be
good to yourself, and share your experience with others.
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Keep Breathing.