How to Fuck up Your Kids “And then thought Clarissa Dalloway, what a morning—fresh as if issued to children on a beach.” —Virginia Woolf, Mrs. Dalloway. How to Fuck up Your Kids: Parental Secrets, Nightmares in the Making How to Fuck up your Kids is a collaborative effort between the authors: Lola, Timmy, and Weasel, in which all three of them have complete ownership of the contents of the book and any future endeavors it might seek to give birth too. Copyrighted 2012 © Lola, Timmy, and Weasel Edited by Sendokidu Published through Weasel Productions Printed through Lulu Printing Services. Table of Contents: 00. The Introduction 01. The Feeding Process 02. Naming your Twins 03. Sexting 04. Sex 05. The Adoption Story 06. I Want to Return the Bundles of Joy 07. I Can Make More Money This Way 08. The Story of Wal-Mart 09. But It Was Only Breast Feeding 10. Happy Mistake Day 11. Haunted Endeavors 12. Children’s Rhymes 13. The Back Alley 14. Family Movie Night 15. The New Chimney Cleaners 16. Superheroes of the World 17. The Sex Talk 18. Return to the Video Cameras! 19. The Videos, The Blackmail, and The Justice 20. Death 21. Ditch the Baby 22. Of Death and Hair 23. Santa Clause is Coming…Maybe 24. Can You Feel The Vibes? 25. Runaways 26. Oedipus 27. Bills, Bills, Fucking Bills. 28. Superheroes are Back 29. 911 30. The Last Will and Testament Introduction It is the sole purpose of the writers to inspire among the greatest of minds; to start a revolt against the coming downgrades called Children. This book was created from the tears, the nightmares and any torment one should think of in regards to the painstaking process of raising children. And though search for peace has had many failed attempts in the past, we feel that the contents of this book will teach a new method of parenting. A method that may seem cruel or even abusive, but it is time for the control to be shifted from the newborns and back into the hands of their creators. In the simplest context, children are vicious creatures. They take and take and take and give you bath salts in return. And let’s be honest those bath salts are cheap and shitty! You get little drawings to put on the refrigerator, crayon covered walls or maybe permanent marker, and yet you are still the villainous evil for stopping them; for saving your home before it becomes ruined. They take away your peace of mind and destroy all that was good and blessed in your life. Angels were never meant for them! Only the devil’s cage as we believe they have come with a possessed demon inside them. Though, in that possible event, we do suggest you consult your local exorcist. It is time to really get revenge; to plot against the ones who terrify you, and prepare for a long epic battle. Just remember, you are older than they are. You have lived longer, and therefore you should know more. If you get outsmarted you’re not doing it right! We welcome you Comrades to, How to Fuck up your Kids. —Sincere Company. Tip #1: The Feeding Process. Feeding your child when they’re in the infant stage is one of the most important bonding moments you will ever have. You will spend more than enough time at the table with your child, feeding and sometimes force feeding them when they simply will not eat. You will want to take in all the time you can, especially during the infant period—for when they grow into a teenager they’ll want to avoid you like a guitar wants to avoid fire. Since these moments will be the most you spend with your child, there are a number of ways to completely scare them for the rest of their lifespan (however long that maybe). We suggest, whilst feeding, to pretend that the spoon you are feeding your child with is an airplane or a train. We all remember that correct? “Here comes the choochoo train. CHOO CHOO!” It’s pretty standard feeding material. How else do you feed a baby whose wish is to be anorexic? We all know what standard means; at least we should hope so. Standard is boring. It’s clichéd, overdone, and downright expecting too much of a parent in this current paranoid world. Modern parenting is basically another way of saying “blatantly paranoid schizophrenic.” Spice up this little feeding mix! Make it interesting for you, not just the little bugger “waiting” to be fed. Make the plane crash, or the trains derail into their mouths! “Here comes the ChooChoo train! CHOO CHOO! Oh no, it’s derailed! It’s going to crash into your mouth!” At this point you make loud crashing sounds as the baby begins to chew and eat the food. “You monster! You’re eating their souls! What did those poor innocent people ever do to you, you oversized King Kong? And look at you. You don’t even hear their screams as you eat them! I’m raising a sociopath!” make sure to start crying at this point. Let the child see the tears drop from your eyes as you laugh inside. “Those—those poor people. They’ll come at night into your room and they’ll get their revenge on what you did to them!” Sob now, make your cries louder, as if you’re in some Spanish soap opera, but do it better! This is obviously the best way to give your kids nightmares. They won’t wet the bed because of the One-eyed monster in the closet is coming to get them; they’ll do it because they murdered a train full of innocent people, some with babies of their own. You should expect them to at least start hearing voices which shouldn’t be some imaginary friend. If they’re not on their knees begging to be forgiven by the age of four by these made up souls, then you probably are raising a real sociopath and should consult your local psychiatrist. Your child may also never look at food the same. They may start checking the green beans for little men and women, or wonder if the mashed potatoes are already dead. Just wait until they hear that chicken had to be killed in order for them to eat it. I bet you can already imagine the crying fit your children are about to have. Don’t worry though, Little Johnny will recoup. Unless you have a case of him being a sociopath, in which case never EVER get a pet. Go out there, buy the best baby food you can find, and put on a good performance. The experience will not only be exhilarating, it will be something you’ll want to post on the internet. Tip #2: Naming your Twins Naming your baby is crucial. A parent just can’t walk around in public and go “Hey thing, get over here.” They will either be seen as a psycho or think they’re a sassy pedophile who needs a good time immediately. In most cases, parents pick out rather neutral names. Michael is among the most popular names for a male child, as well as Isabella for girls. These names are considered normal and will keep your child hidden from some bullies in the schools, or so you hope. Now in some cases a woman will give birth to twins, a wonderful phenomenon, though it makes the naming process a bit more hellish. Naming one child was bad enough but now two? That’s just asking too much of a parent. And still, it is done. We have pairs such as Justin and Joseph, Isabella and Olivia, Faith and Hope, etc. Neutrality stays strong among the parents! But why bother being so neutral? Why not have some excitement? You have two kids. That’s two mouths you have to feed, basically one child per boob if one chooses to breast feed their baby (and if you feel breast feeding will fuck up your child, do it!). Do you remember Dr. Seuss, if not how old are you? You must be decrepit or out of touch with reality to not know Dr. Seuss! Name your children Thing One and Thing Two. It’s totally easy to remember, and you will have so much fun going, “Thing One you are in so much trouble!” You’ve become integrated in America’s lazy and non-creative way of life, and be glad because a family can always entertain themselves with the names of these children. There are chances for epic Halloween costumes! Nope, those kids can’t be their favorite cartoon character this year. Mommy needs them to win the next costume contest so they can rub it in the other moms faces at the school pick up line. They look down on her because she lacks an SUV. It is not her fault though; twins just took her money so she has to drive a beat up station wagon with no air conditioning. Maybe if the kids win, she’ll roll more than one window down on the way to school. Mommy, remember, the kids would probably love to feel the wind blowing through their fluffed up, mad scientist-like hair, and kids with good attitudes presents good returns on your investment. Now, the best reason has not yet been discussed. The number one fear a parent has is that their child will be lost; the horror of pedophiles running the streets and snatching up kids one by one. “Think of the children,” as Kate Chopin had written many years ago. And if Amber’s not missing, someone else is. Now you will never have to worry about it. Say you lose Thing One. No need to call the cops, or even place a missing persons report. If you lose one, you will always have two. And two is always a joy around the house right? Thinking of the jams if you lose Thing Two? That’s a tough one, but not too tough to solve. Twins look alike for the most part. It is rather difficult to distinguish them sometimes. If this happens early on before a certain age, you can always say that you have had only one child in your house. Call your wife or your husband delusional if you want. Say they dreamed up a second child, and that there never was one. Now, if it is during some of the older years of childhood, blame the child. Thing One had some mental problems. Oops you raised a supposed killer. How are you, as a parent ever going to cope? Naming your children is a fun, although tedious, process. Naming your twins is even more so, but when you’re creative, that turbulent ride you are on now turns into a fun house. Don’t let the Things make too much damage on the town, it is also your job to participate in a child’s life. Tip # 3: Sexting Have you ever sent a naked pic of yourself to your girlfriend? Boyfriend perhaps? For the most part, as well as for the average lazy person, one would take a photo on their cellphone and send that same photo through a text message with some sexy line like “Come home soon. I’ll be waiting X3” The technological world has made it easy to distribute not only images of yourself, but also ones that others may consider to be pornographic. This practically eliminates the walk of shame in the local gas station. You know, that magazine rack guys used to “browse” for a moment, before walking up to the counter and buying a magazine with big tits. The cellphone has pretty much given that to them on the go. Who could ever deny free porn? Please note that if you said you to that question then from here on out you are considered a prude. Not only is sexting fun, it’s also rather thrilling. Send a racy photo of yourself to your partner while they are at work. Could they ever really control themselves? If they lose their jobs you’ll find out the answer to that question. Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. They just don’t have a sense of moderation! Along with the fun of sexting, we’re also a forgetful species. We’re accident prone! And with all the contacts we carry around every single day, sending a nude photo to a friend on accident is bound to happen. Even more so if you meant to do that, in which that is your own business and we will not judge you (unless you like that). Kids hate to hear that their parents are having sex. It’s disgusting, gross, and immature for the parents to have sexualized conversations in front of their children. At least, that is what they say. We all know the truth: parents are just as horny as their hormonal growing teenagers. Humans are just sexually active; it is all a part of life. There’s a booming porn industry, and with the invention of the internet, not only is that more accessible, but it leaves a lot of sexy business for people who travel, like getting into the whole online sex chats and webcam sessions. But those are another story. Fact is, humans love sex. Torture your children with this. It is your best weapon! Your child will definitely need their cellphone, so don’t take that away from them for this. I know it’s tough; those little bastards love to talk to their friends for hours without end. Now, you have their number in your contacts, so it’s easy. Take a sexy photo of yourself. Write a message, something that would drive your partner wild. Don’t hold back either. Subtlety is not what you want in this situation. Most kids are not bright enough to understand subtle things. “Make me your bitch, daddy!” is probably something you want to aim for. If your child is not screaming for their eyes to be ripped from their own head, then you’ve failed to complete this task and you must do it all again. But not right after the first text. You’ll have to wait some time the next week or something so as to leave out suspicion. If you want to go further with this pretend to be gay! A massively shocking experience like this is bound to place your child in a traumatic coma for years. Say you’re the father. What you should do is take a nice picture, maybe a back shot or full frontal, whichever you decide is best. Then you “accidentally” send that picture along with a message like this: “Oh Brad [or some random dude’s name], it’s been sooo long since I’ve had you in me. I can’t wait til you bend me over and fuck me like an animal.” Your child is now set for psychiatric sessions for life. It might even be best to get them a straightjacket for some minor reasons. They will never get that image out of their head as you’ve etched it in there for the rest of their life! Congratulations! You’ve just become awesome! Tip # 4: Sex As stated many times before in the previous chapter, we as humans are sexual by nature. You can slice it a gazillion different ways, but in the end it’s sex and we love it! In fact, it is probably safe to say that we love sex more than God. Put it simply, if we didn’t like sex at all, treated it as if we only wanted to survive and reproduce, then we would never need a hooker with a couple of dildos and a donkey. And those shows make money! By now we’re sure you get the point. But to drive one more point across all over again, your children! They’re practically sexual deviants but total hypocrites about it all. It is completely fine for them to blow some john at school, but for mom to even mention the Saturday night tango is completely taboo, and it’s basically torment for them. Even worse is to hear about Grandma still gettin’ it on in her retirement home, but let’s not get into that. I’m sure we all want to be saved that image. What’s another sure fire way to send your children through expensive therapy and pounds of multimillion dollar drug companies that may cause suicidal tendencies and other lifethreatening side effects? Have sex! But don’t just have sex. Have kinky loud sex with all the doors open so that not only can you hear, but they can hear it too. Make your door knobs sticky so they’ll never want to go in your room! That’s right, we here want you to make that doorknob sticky, and once your kids touch that to open the door they will definitely want to dip their hand in acid. The authors of this book will let you use your imaginations on how to utilize your doorknobs. But let’s just say, after much research, they are rather versatile. To put it simply, have the raunchiest sex you can possibly think of, and make it last all day. If they have their friends over, it’s even better! You not only get to fuck up your kids but your neighbors’ children (or whoever they invite) as well. Who knows, it may teach little Stacy to keep her legs closed or little Johnny to keep is weapon in his pants for once. They’ll only have that image of their parents getting nasty in the bedroom as they try to get it up in the backseat of a car in the woods where there are no possibilities of serial killers as we have all seen in the movies. We said kinky! That’s right, kinky. Use these moments to find things you might enjoy. Get a few toys! Maybe some pain to go with your pleasure, or some body paint to make things messy and fun! The possibilities are endless, especially with the online sex shops that are widely available at the risk of computer STD’s. If you are new to that whole scene, it is suggested that you use Google, it is your friend and will guide you through some wonderfully thought out experiences, as well as in the ways of doorknobs. (Note to husbands: make sure these toys cannot replace you! We want you to get revenge on your children, not ruin your marriage.) Have sex in your children’s bedrooms! Does Jimmy have a racecar bed? Ever feel that need for speed? Well there you go! Kick that little fucker out of his room for an hour and give each other the pounding you deserve, and at maximum speed! You’ll easily win the race with as much stress you’re releasing at that moment. And Jimmy? Don’t worry, he’s just shit out of luck for an hour. If he can’t wait his turn to race in NASCAR racing he can take a timeout! Mommy and daddy are having some “ME” time. Have sex in the kitchen! As the feeding process was important in a child’s life as an infant, it is actually not as important as a child grows. After some time a child is able to fend for themselves and cook their own food. Ever wanted to keep them out at midnight from snacking on food? Well I’m sure their knowing that you secreted your man sex juices all over the table will steer them away towards some fast food joint. Do what you do best! Get hot. Get horny. And show the animals on Discovery channel you can do it way better! Tip #5: The Adoption Story Shocking isn’t it? One day you find out that your parents are not really your biological family. Instantly, those questions of identity come back or stick with you as you wonder who you are and where you really came from. The search for a sense of self and individuality is one of the hardest struggles a person can have, and everyone goes through it. As your child grows they will go through constant personality and belief changes, as well as self-discovery realizations. This should happen on a weekly basis if not daily basis. The technological age has progressed things to happen rather instantly, if not the wait time is barely a moment. Some children discover things about themselves that may make them uncomfortable, feel terrible, or proud. Here is where their world goes to complete shambles. And note, this one only works if you are actually the biological parents. Susie comes home from school one day and she is being a total bitch because she felt she had a really long day. She will scoff and say you don’t understand her hard life, and that you are old and “withering away.” She’ll say these things because her world is “bleak” and, to quote what others have said in the past: “Life is all about death man. I mean, man, it’s a never ending process going round and round like a ferris wheel. That flower is only going to die soon, man. And then what?” Thank you for sitting through that. Let us return to little Amy, or Susie, whichever we decided to name this kid who probably sounds like yours anyway. Tell her that you have to talk. Keep a serious face, because what you are going to talk about is not only going to crush your child, but will make your heart explode with laughter. You are going to feel all warm and fuzzy inside after you get done with your story. Now, sit them down, look them in the eyes and tell them: “You’re adopted…” and leave a bit of an awkward silence. Let them masticate those words for a bit. Slowly, you should see your child start to break down, maybe even start to cry. And isn’t that what we are here for? To make children cry? Fuck yea we are! If they ask for any specific details make up the saddest story you can imagine. Make it gruesome, and make it challenging. You could even make it a Law & Order special if you want. Just make it a delicious tear jerker. Delicious because you’ll be wanting to lick the tears off of your child’s cheek when you’re done with them after the story. “Your mother was beautiful. I could still see her on the edge of 75thst. She had no other way of making money, and her pimp never paid her enough. You could tell she had been through hell. The bruises on her chest and neck were barely visible by the make-up she caked on every day. One wondered if she ever really bathed. We all knew of the whore baths at roach infested fast food chains but maybe a real bath every now and then would have been nice. Maybe even kept her alive. But she got real sick, see? No one knew what it could have been, sweetie, they just knew she was sick. But she still served the people. You have to admire her willingness to work. If there was ever a rock bottom to hit, she made her home there and never got out. I remember driving by her one day, her sandy blonde hair waving to me in the wind. Never mattered what time you went, she stood there, always so beautiful. Hurt, but beautiful. And Goddamn if she wasn’t a good fuck. Yes, your father was a customer of hers, as well as I, but that’s beside the point. 75th never really was a good place for anyone. She had just got out of the hospital after having you. We adopted you, though we think I am your biological father. Your mother and I, we just never got it checked. We only wanted to give you a home, and care for you the best way we could. Well anyways, Jessica was your real mother’s name, and she died only a few weeks after you were born. She came to see you during those weeks though; she never forgot you. She wanted to name you Beautiful, because she knew you would make her and the world proud. She even walked us to the bank to get you a college fund that we would deposit money into. She—we all really cared for you and we still do. I’m getting sidetracked.” At this point you should break down in tears of your own. Make this story believable! “One of her Johns, we assume, just wasn’t happy with the business. She was found murdered one morning on the same street corner she used to work. Her picture will never leave my mind. I can still see her today, and God, she was so beautiful…” If you’re not bawling by this time, you’re doing it wrong! You have just brought your child’s world to a practical halt! They are probably not thinking at all at this point, and if they are it is nothing coherent enough to even bother making sense. Marilyn Manson may even be their god after this, but that doesn’t matter because you just crushed their fucking bleak and harsh world! Medical bills are to the left.