Bonkers?
THE SELF-HELP MAGAZINE WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR Issue 21 Going TM Bonkers? L E A R N I N G, L A U G H I N G & S T R E S S - F R E E L I V I N G “This Year I’ll Exercise” How to Really Keep Your Fitness Resolutions When the Brood is Rude Difficult Family Members How to Deal with Them and What You Can Learn from Them Teaching Civility to the Kids 4-Day Attitude Diet How to Acquire a Positive Attitude Fried What’s Stopping YOU? The Ten Things Stopping You from Reaching Your Goals JOAN BORYSENKO Why You Burn Out and How to Revive featured article by IN LINE WITH YOUR LIFE... INDEPENDENT LIVING AIDS INTRODUCES... THE LINEAR COLLECTION FINE WATCHES FOR THOSE WITH LOW VISION These watches are just an example of our vast array of low vision products and assistive listening devices available from Independent Living Aids LLC/SoundBytes. Even if you can read this... chances are you know somebody who can't. More than 16 million Americans report some form of visual impairment even when wearing glasses or contacts. That number is expected to double by 2030 as the aging population brings rising rates of macular degeneration, glaucoma, diabetic retinopathy and other eye diseases . . . But “low vision” doesn't have to mean darkness and dependence. An ever growing array of devices can help people maximize their remaining vision and in many cases, compensate for what they've lost. For more info on low vision products and/or assistive listening devices for any degree of hearing loss, please call us at 1.800.537.2118. Simply tell us you are “GOING BONKERS” and we will send you a free gift along with our product catalog. VISION PRODUCTS FOR YOUR ACTIVE INDEPENDENT LIFE 800.537.2118 www.independentliving.com Going Bonkers? Letter from the Editor Editor in Chief: J. Carol Pereyra Production / Designer: Marcelo Holzinger Subscriptions: Arleen Zenzen, Jenny Hollis Greetings! Marketing: Joe Pereyra If consistently working towards your goals were a test, I would not get a passing grade so far for 2011. Would you? Staff Writers: Nicki Blake, Lou Isaacs Roey King, Rene Brunts, Robyn Sabes C ONTRIBUTING W RITERS Joan Borysenko, Ph.D Jack N. Singer, Ph.D Danita Johnson Hughes, Ph.D Terri Levine, MCC, PCC Elizabeth Scott, M.S. Scott Greenberg Marcelo Holzinger Jill Cook-Richards Lesley Cordero Judith Viorst Eric Adler Rob Stringer Tony Davies Lynn Bode Vincent Iannelli, M.D. Virginia Bola, PsyD Dr. Marjorie Wolter Dr. Alan Zimmerman Dr. Janet Greenwood Andrea Redmond Patricia Crisafulli Kevin Eikenberry Keith Varnum Jean Kelley Kendra Cherry Maria Gracia JoAn Majors C ARTOONISTS & I LLUSTRATORS Randy Glasbergen - www.glasbergen.com Dennis Cox - www.djart.com Jonny Hawkins - jonnyhawkins2nz@yahoo.com Here we are, almost knee deep into the year, and if you’re like me, “life” has already gotten in the way of your good intentions. I haven’t stuck with some of the things that I resolved to do on January 1. But the good news is that, no matter the month, we have the entire rest of the year to make it happen. We still have plenty of time to turn this “New Year” into a new me and a new you. But only if we start . . . A brand-new you isn’t as difficult as it sounds. It simply means that we take the things we want to improve and we make them better. It means we replace unhealthy habits with healthy ones. And it means that if we’re willing to change just one thing, and make just one positive step in the direction of our goal, then we’re headed back on track! C ONTACT U S Going Bonkers Magazine P.O. Box 6190 Katy, Texas 77491 Phone: 281-492-1605 Fax: 281-754-4458 E-mail: Editor@GBonkers.com Web: www.gbonkers.com T HIS I SSUE 21 Volume 5, Number 1 (February 2011) Going Bonkers (ISSN 1933-7752) is published bi-monthly by Going Bonkers, LLC. C OPYRIGHT N OTICE All rights reserved. Copyright 2006-2011 Going Bonkers, LLC. Reproduction in whole or in part without written permission is prohibited. Going Bonkers, Bonkerisms, Bonkeroids, Bonkers Bits, Wacky Wisdom and 60-Second Self are trademarks and the use of these trademarks is strictly prohibited. But how do we begin again, and stick to it? Well, when we’re not feeling well, we see a doctor. When our car needs repair, we see a mechanic. So when we’re stuck in old habits, not living the life we want, who do we turn to? Our experts! We’ve lined up best-selling authors, teachers, and doctors, who are experts on change and goal setting, to guide us on our journey. Each article is designed to offer us information, motivation, and the skills that will help us get back on our goal track. The journey through change isn’t easy – but it’s worthwhile. So jump in with me and let’s get started. And the next time goal report cards come around, we’ll be confidently giving ourselves an A+. Blessings to each of you, J. Carol Pereyra Editor in Chief Join us on Facebook. Let’s share your goals and your progress. I’ll be posting mine! I’ll see you there… D ISCLAIMER The articles and information contained in Going Bonkers Magazine are for entertainment purposes only, and are not intended to diagnose or treat physical, mental or emotional illnesses. If you are sick, please consult a doctor. CREDITS: Photo by Frank Wang ~ www.frankwangphotography.com Hair by John Kraicer ~ Seven 2 Hair, 421 E. 72nd St, New York, NY (212)452-0029 CONTENTS ISSUE 21 Volume 5 Number 1 On the Cover What’s Stopping YOU?............................................................ The Ten Things Stopping You from Reaching Your Goals 14 26 Difficult Family Members........................................................ 48 How to Deal with Them and What You Can Learn Fried........................................................................................... Why You Burn Out & How to Revive From Them 54 When the Brood is Rude.......................................................... 59 Teaching Civility to the Kids “This Year I’ll Exercise”........................................................... 70 How to Really Keep your Fitness Resolutions 4-Day Attitude Diet................................................................... How to Acquire a Positive Attitude Relationships & Family Parenting Resolutions.................................................................. Resolve to Be a More Effective Parent this Year 8 Gender Matters............................................................................. 12 Decoding the Communication Differences Between the Sexes Disneyland Dad’s (and Mom’s).................................................... 16 Understanding the Divorced Parent’s Guilt Trips and Guilt Traps The Choice..................................................................................... 18 A New Way of Looking at Relationship Issues Family Matters.............................................................................. 21 How to Make More Family Time Family Goal Setting...................................................................... 32 Featured Article by Joan Borysenko Self Improvement 11 Questions to Kickstart Your Dream................... 6 Great Idea!................................................................ 10 How to Turn Your Ideas Into Action 14 Life Lessons Learned from a Senior....................... 20 Looking Beyond Age 65 Resilience.................................................................. 22 Bouncing Back and Overcoming Life’s Hurdles IN EVERY ISSUE Take a Laugh Break 40 Wacky Wisdom 50 Bonkeroids 55 Ask The Expert 58 Bright Idea 66 Life is Funny 68 The Three Pillars of Success................................... 24 The Joy Thief Within................................................ 30 Understanding the Beliefs and Behaviors that Steal Your Joy Writing Great Specific Goals................................... 35 5 Simple Ways to Get and Stay Organized........... 42 BONKERS BITS Cause or Effect....................................................... 38 Stress Busters........................................................... 44 Surefire Strategies for Success Over Stress Terrible Tuesdays.................................................. 42 Bonkers Eye Focus................................................ 47 The Healing Power of Art........................................ 52 How to Use Art & Beauty to Manage Stress The Five Minute Mission...................................... 53 Is Bargain Shopping As Good As Sex?............... 66 Surprise!................................................................. 71 Simplify, Simplify, Simplify.................................... 56 Ten Ways to Make Your Life Easier 60-SECOND SELF Tough Conversations............................................... 67 How to Say What Needs to Be Said . . . 23 Unresolved Emotional Issues S The Art of Detachment How to Keep a Resolution....................................... 64 Understanding the Stages of Change SEC ON D I AM Good Enough!................................................. 62 How to Dump the Old Tapes and Increase Your Self-Image 60 How to Get What You Want Out of the New Year Resolutions...................................................... 46 Goal Setting Skills for the New Year E L F 41 A Winning Attitude 58 How to Change Your Future 71 11 Questions to Kickstart Your Dream By Keith Varnum Do you want to give your goals and dreams a jumpstart for the new year? If the answer is “yes” then write them down and ponder these questions to speed up their delivery! 1. Do you really, really want this dream? Do you bound out of bed every morning to pursue your vision? Or is it a lukewarm dream you chase because it sounds meaningful? Only the real deal will generate enough energy to be realized. Is yours the real deal? Is this goal or dream a burning desire? If it is, then you’re ready. If it’s not, then focus on the one that is! 2. What’s your highest priority this year? What’s most important for you to experience, explore or embrace this year? Get clued into your true joy. When your goals are aligned with your authentic self, synchronicity kicks in to guide you to your target. 3. Is this your dream, or someone else’s? Are your goals your own choice, or what others think you should strive for? You have a divine right, and a self-obligation, to listen to your own heart. 4. Are you settling for less than? Are you resigned to accepting less than your full share of love, health and success this lifetime? Have you compromised and sacrificed your dream to death? Anything short of living your true passions will never make you happy. 5. Is your dream actually just a means to some other dream? Is your goal the ultimate end in itself, or merely a limited means to that end? Is it the money – the means – to buy the new car, or the new car itself that you really want? More to the core, isn’t it really a renewed sense of self-worth you desire, rather than the new car or house to impress the family and neighbors? And isn’t it really happiness you want, rather than the picture-perfect mate, car, job or body? Focus on the experience you want to create, not the physical form that may or may not bring you that experience. 6. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com 6. What will you feel like when you reach your dream? Personal passion fuels dreams. into the thrill and exhilaration feeling of living your dream. moment you can, drink in the having your goal. Dive of the Every joy of 7. How will you benefit from getting your dream? Get specific about the benefits you’ll receive from achieving your goals. Write down the benefits so they will sink in as motivators. What exactly would happen if you made a lot of money doing something you love? How would you approach your life differently if you allowed people to love and support you? What would you do with your new vitality and good health? 8. What steps can you take today toward your dream? your progress. Track those little wins – by writing in a journal or telling a friend. 9. Are you telling yourself: "I can’t have my dream?" Many people believe they can’t live their dream. Their belief system has them believing they can’t achieve it, or that they don’t deserve them. To avoid the pain of feeling they can’t have their dream, they often keep their dream buried deep inside. What do you really believe? 10. Are you afraid of getting your dream? 11. Are you stuck on achieving your goal or dream by only one specific method, or in a particular way? If so, then enter the "hootless state" – the stage where you no longer give a hoot if the exact "picture" of your dream comes true. When you relax your grip on the exact way your future "must" unfold, you give yourself, and the Universe, more flexibility in how your dreams can be fulfilled. GB About the Author Keith Varnum shares his practical approach to transformation as an author, radio host and "Dream Change is scary, even good change. Instead of living in fear, harness the energy created by your fear and find a way to use it in your favor. It’s true that achieving your dreams may be life threatening! – but only to your old self – the parts of your life you want to change. Workshops" facilitator. Keith helps people get love, money, health and spirit with his free Prosperity Ezine, free Empowerment CD and free Coaching at www.TheDream.com Don’t defer your dream. Set up supports and systems around you to instantly translate your intentions into action. Jump on every opportunity that is in line with your purpose and vision. Keep the momentum going. No matter how hectic life gets, pledge to take at least one action a day. Even the smallest actions – jotting down a new idea, reading a single page, or making one phone call – can start to add up. Are there smaller projects that lead to your larger dream that can give you pleasure in the meantime? If the dream is to run a marathon, train for a local fun-run first. And find a way to measure 7. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Parenting Resolutions By Vincent Iannelli, M.D. RESOLVE TO BE A MORE EFFECTIVE PARENT THIS YEAR Often, our New Year's Resolutions include a list like: exercise more, eat healthier, or stop smoking. But this year, consider adding some resolutions to become a more effective parent. Here are some parenting resolutions to consider. The changes you make in these areas will help your child lead a healthy and happy life! Be a Good Role Model Most parents do not realize the amount of influence they have over their children. Children are more likely to smoke, have an unhealthy diet, not wear a bicycle helmet or seatbelts, or make poor food choices, if one or both parents have these bad habits. Model good behaviors and activities, such as sharing, not letting your temper get out of control, not making racist or insensitive comments about other people, and teaching your children how to handle frustration. Make your own list of behaviors that you need to improve on, for yours and your child’s sake. Effective Discipline Learning to effectively discipline your children is important, both to teach them how to behave and to minimize bad behaviors. Remember that discipline and punishment are not the same thing. Punishments include time outs, taking away items, etc, where discipline is about teaching. If your child hits or has a tantrum, a time-out or taking away a privilege may let him know that it wasn't the right thing to do, (punishment) but he won't know what is the right thing unless you show him. Take some time after your child gets in trouble to explain or model a better or more appropriate behavior. If you are having problems disciplining your child, then get some help. All children are different, and what works for one may not work for another, so you may not be doing anything wrong, but you may need to learn some alternative methods. Most importantly, when your child gets in trouble, stay calm, avoid physical punishment, be consistent, and learn to reward and praise good behavior to reinforce it. Whenever possible, let your child face natural consequences for his actions. 8. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Learn to Understand Your Child Do you understand why your child does the things he does? Why does a toddler look at you and then hit his brother or throw something on the floor? Doesn't he know it is wrong? Maybe, but he likely isn't doing it to be mean or bad. Most children try to explore their limits and see what they can do. It is a normal part of development, and if you understand your child's reasoning, you are less likely to get mad. And giving a big reaction, even a bad one, is only reinforcing a bad behavior. Why? Because he wanted your attention and he got it. Why does your older child always leave her clothes on the floor? Doesn't she know she is going to get in trouble? It depends on how you handle it, as to whether or not she will learn to stop doing it. Do you just yell a few times and constantly remind her to pick up her clothes, toys, etc? Does it turn into a fight? Stop the insanity! Instead, just remind her, in a calm voice, to pick up her clothes. If she still doesn't, then remind her again and this time, calmly tell her that if she doesn’t do it by (set a time) that you will pick up with clothes/toys, and she won't be able to wear/play with them again for a few weeks. If the time passes and she still doesn't pick them up, then offer no more reminders or discussion. Just calmly and quietly pick up the items and put them away for the set amount of time. If it is a favorite shirt, just not being able to wear it should teach her to be more mindful of her chores. And during the days following, whenever you see her clothes picked up, be sure to praise her. However, do not, and we repeat, do not cave and give her back the confiscated items early. Stick to your word. This technique works well for toys and video games too. If you’ve asked your child to turn off the video game, and you glance over and they are still playing, say, “if it’s not off in (state an exact time)” then you can’t play it for 3 days. They may test you and continue playing, but that will not happen often after their video privileges are gone. Likewise, in the future when they do quit playing upon request, be sure to offer praise for their great listening. Many parents often unknowingly reinforce their child's bad behaviors by providing too much negative attention, like yelling, and not enough positive attention, like praises when they are behaving. Teach Your Children to Eat Healthy Most parents need to stop telling their children to clean their plates at each meal. Instead, your child should learn to eat until he feels full. If he consistently leaves half of his meal on his plate, then as long as he is growing and developing normally, give up the fight. If it really bothers you for your child to leave food on his plate, then you may consider giving him smaller portions so that he will be more likely to finish everything. Also, provide healthy choices, including fruits, vegetables, lean meats and low fat dairy products (once your child is 2 to 3 years old), and limit the amount of juice, soda, high sugar and high-fat foods that your kids eat. Encourage Regular Physical Activity An increasing number of children and adolescents are becoming overweight, partly because of a poor diet and partly because of too many sedentary behaviors, such as watching TV, and playing video and computer games. In addition to healthy eating habits, regular physical activity for at least 60 minutes, on most days of the week, can help to keep your kids fit and healthy. Communicate Effectively Do you know how to talk to your kids? There are a lot of things that you need to talk with your children about, including sex education, how to handle peer pressure, smoking, drugs and alcohol use. Have you talked to your older child about these important topics yet? If age appropriate, make this the year you start those conversations. Be Prepared Do you know what you will do the first time you are faced with a specific parenting problem, such as your child lying, stealing, skipping school? You can't prepare for every situation, but a little advanced planning can help when you are faced with a common, although difficult parenting problem. Sit down with their other parent, or alone if they aren’t in the child’s life, and make your plan. GB About the Author Vincent Iannelli, M.D., is a board certified pediatrician and Fellow of the American Academy of Pediatrics and is the author of The Everything Father's First Year Book. Dr. Iannelli currently has a private pediatrics practice in a suburb of Dallas and he is an associate professor of Pediatrics at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical School in Dallas. He is also the webmaster and creator of www.keepkidshealthy.com, a website for medical and parenting advice. In addition to being a member of the American Academy of Pediatrics, he is also a member of the Texas Medical Association and Dallas County Medical Society. GB B O N K E R I S M Just when you know all the answers, nobody bothers to ask you the questions. 9. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Great Idea! How to Turn Your Ideas Into Action Great ideas! – we all have them! But having a great idea and actually making it happen are two very different things. the space and time to turn the idea into reality. It has to move from the idea stage into action. Focus your energy on making that happen. This is the year to bring your great ideas to life! And it all starts with action steps. Here are six actions you can take right now to help you implement those great ideas. Get Over Them Get Aligned Whether you are an individual or part of an organization, there are goals and objectives in front of you. What are the most important things that you are trying to accomplish? Having a good idea isn't enough. The idea must also be relevant and important to your goals. Ideas that don't pass this first test should be set aside for later (or never). Get Clarified Ideas in their infancy are fun and exciting, but they are seldom complete or crystal clear. Before taking action on your ideas, make sure you truly understand what is involved in the idea and what results you expect. This step is especially important for ideas that will be implemented by a group, as not everyone will have the same clear picture of the idea until it is clarified. Get Organized If your idea has passed the first two tests, it is time to plan. Figure out the implementation steps. Think about the timeline. Put this idea into the larger scope of your efforts. Time spent in By Kevin Eikenberry planning and organizing will always pay dividends. Get Help You may not be able to turn your idea into reality by yourself. Your planning should help you see where you might need other experience, insight or another pair of hands. This is true for teams as well. Think about what resources you will need and work on lining them up early on. When you do, you’ll see your idea become reality much more quickly. Get Focused Once you have decided which idea(s) to implement and you have a plan, you’ll need to make the time to make it happen! Getting focused means creating You may have an idea (or many) that you love. Remember that there is a big difference between a good idea and the right idea. You may have many good ideas on your list. For some of them the time isn't right. Some of them aren't important enough. Some won't be completely aligned with your goals and objectives. That is OK. In order to implement our best ideas sometimes we must be willing to let go of, or at least defer, some others. When you are willing to do this you improve your chances of implementing the one you have chosen. In the end, as important as creativity and idea creation is, it requires action before any idea will have real value. These six steps can help you take that all important next step on your ideas. GB About the Author Kevin Eikenberry is an expert in converting organizational, team and individual potential into desired results, and the Chief Potential Officer of The Kevin Eikenberry Group. He is the two-time best selling author of Vantagepoints On Learning And Life and Remarkable Leadership: Unleashing Your Leadership Potential One Skill at a Time. Kevin can be reached at (317) 387-1424 or 888.LEARNER and through his website, www.kevineikenberry.com 10. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Gender Matters Decoding the Communication Differences Between the Sexes By Jean Kelley Women: Do you ever wonder why your husband or boyfriend can sit idly by watching television while you’re scurrying about cleaning the house, paying the bills, doing the laundry, answering e-mail, and watching the kids – all at the same time? Men: Do you ever get frustrated when you’re talking with your wife or girlfriend about one topic and she brings fourteen more topics into the conversation – all of which seem totally unrelated? We all know that men and women think and act differently, whether at work or at home, but knowing there are differences between people is only half the battle. To have successful relationships with members of the opposite sex, you also have to know why those differences matter and what to do about them. The good news is that with a little insight into men and women, you can overcome the apparent communication and behavioral challenges that plague any relationship and gain greater understanding of each other. ing back into human evolution. Once upon a time about a million years ago, communities consisted of hunters (men) and gatherers (women). The hunters left every morning and tried to hunt food for the community. The gatherers stayed home and gathered the nuts and berries and made preparations for the food the men would bring back. So as far back as scientists can tell, women and men had different roles, and through that developed different ways in which their brains worked. of a man’s brain at rest and a woman’s brain at rest, you’ll see that the woman’s brain is busy and firing everywhere, whereas the man’s brain is quiet. This is not to say that one gender is better than the other; it’s simply an illustration of one of the many differences between men and women and how it evolved. For example, a man’s brain goes in and out of a rest state all day. Millions of years ago when men sat in trees waiting for their prey, they had to be quiet and disengaged. They didn’t want to scare away their potential dinner. So their brain evolved to learn to engage, disengage, engage, disengage throughout the day. Brain chemicals. Men produce more Once Upon a Time… Women, on the other hand, couldn’t do that. They had to be on high alert all day, protecting themselves and their children as they gathered necessities and tended to the community’s needs. Their brains evolved to be always active. Before we can look forward to a harmonious future, we need to begin by look- In fact, if you look at a functional MRI So what else is different from a brain wiring perspective? Here are a few highlights: testosterone, and women produce more oxytocin. Testosterone is an aggressive chemical, and oxytocin is a “tend and befriend” kind of chemical. These chemicals are a person’s primary driver. Cycles. While women have a 28 day cycle, men have a cycle every day. Their testosterone spikes in the morning when they wake up (so they can go out and hunt), wanes in the afternoon, and spikes again in the evening around 8 p.m. It then goes back down, only to repeat the cycle the next day. Brain matter. Men have more gray matter, while women have more white matter. The gray matter is used for local 12. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com processing of thoughts and tasks. The white matter is what connects everything. This is why when a woman is processing an emotional event, it will take her much longer to do so. She’s not just processing the event; she’s also processing what her friends have said, what she read in a book, and what she saw on TV. A man is processing locally, and he’s just processing that one thing. Hierarchy. While both men and women understand hierarchy, men really understand it. Whoever brought back the biggest animal from hunt received the most status in the community. So that desire to be “top dog” is innate in men. Likewise, the women wanted to hook up with the men who had the best resources – the men who could provide the most food for the family. That, too, is biologically wired, as we see today how women naturally favor the man with the most resources. Of course, there are always exceptions to every rule. Within the spectrum of both male and female brains, there are gradations. There is also something called the “bridge brain,” which is someone who has characteristics of both the male and female brains. Why this Matters Because we’re communicating with each other every day, knowing the differences in gender communications is vital. Much has already been written about personality, values, and behavioral differences in communication; now it’s time to overlap gender differences into the equation. For example, while women are more verbal and social, men are quieter at home. However, at work, men are typically more aggressive, more argumentative about their ideas, and more vocal about their stand on a certain thing. building consensus. And because they’re contextual and they process information in the white matter, they’re often trying to reduce the heated arguments. This doesn’t mean a woman doesn’t like a good argument; however, if it gets hostile and the woman gets stressed, she’ll start producing oxytocin, which will prompt her to take steps to calm the situation down. And because women have so much white matter, they may take a longer time to answer a question because they’re filtering it through the commercial that they saw last night or what their friend said over the fence. Think of it like sorting in a computer. They’re doing a huge sort through the entire database to arrive at an answer. Tips for Better Communication To ease the daily communication challenges, keep the following points in mind: For men… Keep women’s white matter in mind. They are not jumping from topic to topic just to annoy you. In their brain, everything is connected. Remember that women “tend and befriend.” As a result, they have a tendency to use up-talk – where it sounds like they end every sentence with a question mark. Or they say such things as “What do you think?” This does not mean they don’t know what to think. They simply want to gain consensus. Women all over the world tend to use more emotionally loaded words when they communicate. So they use high drama phrases such as “always” and “never” much more often than men do. For women… If you want to talk to a man about something that’s critical, and you think he’s going to be defensive, don’t do it 9 a.m. or 8 p.m. Remember that daily cycle. Don’t jump from subject to subject, and always condense your words. Men have a word limit (this has been scientifically tested), and once they reach their word limit, it’s almost like a little blind goes down. They simply can’t process any more information. Remember that a man’s brain shifts into that rest state throughout the day. So when you’re talking to him and he’s fidgeting, tapping his fingers on the table, or jingling coins in his pocket, it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s bored or not interested. In fact, it probably means just the opposite. He’s unconsciously forcing himself to stay alert, keeping his brain active by that movement. Closing the Great Divide The key now is to accept this information, embrace it, and impose it as a new structure of thought in your own mind. Become conscious and aware of the differences between the sexes and use it in your daily interactions with others. By doing so, you can ease some of the frustrations you feel when interacting with the opposite sex and build relationships built on understanding, collaboration, and trust. GB About the Author Jean Kelley, president and founder of Jean Kelley Leadership Consulting is the author of Get A Job; Keep A Job. As the sole owner of Jean Kelley Personnel for 25 years, she personally helped more than 20,000 clients enhance their careers. Coupled with her other book, Dear Jean: What They Don’t Teach You at the Water Cooler, Jean has positioned herself as America’s workplace coach. For more information, please visit www.jeankelley.com Women, on the other hand, focus on 13. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com What’s Stopping YOU? The Ten Things Stopping You from Reaching Your Goals By Scott Greenberg Many of us make New Year's resolutions. But before you set new goals for yourself, you may want to take a moment to look backwards to see what has stopped you from achieving previous goals. Here are 10 things that may be getting in your way: 1. FEAR 4. TAKING ON TOO MUCH RESPONSIBILITY Many people spread themselves thin and get frustrated that they can't excel at anything. No one can do a million things at once. You're better off with fewer commitments and more focus. Fear often scares us out of pursuing goals – fear of failure, fear of embarrassment, and in some cases, fear of success (which is really just fear of change). Avoid too much self-analysis, and just go for what you want. If you give it 100%, and you end up even one inch closer to your goal, then you haven’t failed – you’ve made progress. Time can be your friend or enemy. Set aside sacred, uninterrupted time devoted to achieving your goal. Learn when your best hours are (morning, late night, etc.) and set your daily agenda accordingly. 2. EVALUATION 6. INDECISIVENESS Sometimes we lose focus on the work and stop too soon to evaluate ourselves. You're always going to find some kind of shortcoming or flaw with yourself. Fortunately, you don't have to be perfect in order to be excellent. Just do the work, and let the end result be your evaluation. The more time you spend trying to decide what to do, the more time you spend doing nothing. Make a choice, go with it, and don't look back. Every positive action will lead to a positive result. You can always make adjustments later. 3. COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS Sometimes we set goals that are so unreasonably high we set ourselves up for frustration. If that happens one too many times, we give up altogether. At the same time, remember that most of us can achieve a bit more than we think possible. So shoot a little bit higher than what feels realistic. Talk to positive people in your life to hear their It's tempting to evaluate yourself based on what your peers are achieving. You can always find someone more successful. Your path toward success is unique to you. Keep your eyes to yourself. 5. POOR TIME MANAGEMENT thoughts. Often people who know and believe in us can better assess what we can achieve. 8. HANGING AROUND NEGATIVE PEOPLE Do your peers encourage you or discourage you? Does having them in your life focus you or distract you? Keep yourself surrounded with people who help you move onward and upward, rather than hold you back. 9. IMPATIENCE In an age of overnight millionaires and high speed Internet access, it's easy to expect immediate results. Don't give up if you aren't getting the payoff you want as soon as you want it. Anything worthwhile is worth waiting for. 10. PROCRASTINATION Tomorrow is never more convenient than today. By the time it arrives, it IS today. If you can do it now, do it. Don't wait. GB About the Author 7. SETTING UNREALISTIC GOALS For over 10 years, Scott Greenberg has been a motivational speaker and leadership consultant. A graduate of UCLA, Scott has devoted his life to studying personal growth, leadership, and group interaction. He has given presentations for the United Nations and the California Department of Education. Today he is an established Hollywood screen writing consultant working within the movie industry. For more information visit: www.scottgreenberg.com 14. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Disneyland Dad’s (and Mom’s) Understanding the Divorced Parent’s Guilt Trips and Guilt Traps By Robyn Sabes You may not even know that you’re doing it. But it’s harming your kids! You’re excited because it’s your weekend with the kids. Maybe you’ll go the movies and see the latest Disney film; Maybe you’ll take them to the fair – that’s always fun. And of course, a trip to the store is a must, followed by their favorite dinner. By the time the weekend concludes, the kids are tired and weighed down in souvenirs and gifts – evidence of the great time you had together. So what’s wrong with that? Plenty. Divorced parents who, perhaps because of the limited time spent with the kids, buy “little” gifts when there is no occasion, eat out most meals or allow the kids to dictate the menu, take the kids to expensive events, give into their whims, slide on discipline, and generally treat them like visiting royalty instead of children. You may feel it’s one of the most natural expressions of love for your child, but in reality, your actions are your own subconscious effort to minimize your feelings of guilt over the divorce – and no matter how well intentioned you are, it’s selfish and it’s hurting your kids. It begins innocently with a few gifts purchased for the kids just because you love them. On the surface, this natural expression of giving to your child may seem harmless, but it actually places your relationship with your child at risk in several ways. It’s called the Disneyland Dad Syndrome and nearly all newly divorced dads and moms (those without physical custody) slip into it at first. The problem is that some never get over it. For these unlucky parents and their kids, it eventually strains the parentchild relationship. It also alters your child’s beliefs and expectations about healthy relationships; affects their selfesteem and self-worth; causes them to associate “things” with love; and causes them to feel insecure and inferior. Disneyland Dad (Mom) Syndrome’s Harmful Effects 1. It creates the illusion that your relationship is based on ‘things.’ Kids will come to expect this same level of gifting and entertainment from the absent parent. They begin to associate gifts with love. When the gifts stop or lessen, they’ll feel you’ve stopped loving them. That’s not a risk many parents would be willing to take. Are you? 2. It’s an unsustainable situation. Sooner or later you’ll run out of both money and ideas. It will exhaust you and you’ll end up feeling like you’ve failed your kids . . . again. 3. It becomes progressively more harmful with age. If your behavior continues into your child’s teen years, the request for specific gifts will eventually turn into demands. And when their demands aren’t met, they act out in ways that are harmful to themselves. Why? Because they take your failure to meet their demands as a sign you don’t love them. And no amount of talking will be able to convince them otherwise . . . only your purchases can. 4. Your children will ultimately mimic your behavior. You know how kids mimic everything they see? They’re like sponges that soak up everything they come into contact with. You don’t want your child growing to believe that all relationships are based on this approach. Only by demonstrating an emotionally healthy parenting style will you encourage your child’s future parenting success. 16. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com do with you on their visit. Incorporate your children's needs. Make this a mutual and respectful time together. 5. Your children won’t truly connect with you as a person. When your relationship is based on give, give, give (you) and take, take, take (your child) what are you teaching them about relationships? You’re teaching him that the world owes him. If you frequently hear, “can you buy me _____?” then your child has stopped seeing you as a loving parent and more as a weekend ATM. child's day. Know who their teachers, friends, and after school activities are, and stay involved with those as much as possible. 2. Promote good communication between you and your children. Employ an open door policy and allow your children to come to you whenever they need. 9. Don't burden your children. Burdening your children with thoughts and discussions of feelings towards your ex-spouse or about the financial conflicts associated with the divorce will only spoil the time that you have together. 6. Your child won’t feel at home with you. Treating your kids like visitors who are catered to, with no rules and no responsibilities doesn’t allow them to feel like they have a place in your home. They aren’t visitors. Establish rules and assign chores. Treat them like they live there! 3. Be consistent. Make it a point to keep every promise. Whether it's as simple as I'll call you tomorrow at 5 or following through with the reward for their accomplishments, or discipline for this unacceptable behavior. 10. Parent out of love not guilt. Being a loving parent requires consistency and holding your children accountable for their action and behaviors. Avoid decreasing consequences or adding rewards because you are feeling guilty. 4. Implement natural consequences for misbehavior. When your child misbehaves, enforce natural consequences. Studies show that children respect and love parents who hold them accountable for their actions. Children want and need you to be a parent, not a friend. Any parent who loves his/her children wants them to be happy and as unaffected by the divorce as possible. The guilt we feel because of our personal decisions can be almost unbearable. As a result, we often find ourselves doing almost anything to compensate for the pain we have caused. While we might believe that over-compensation is in some sense redemptive and healing, we can be easily deceived by ourselves and by the reactions of our kids. We do something, we see them smile, and so we kick into overkill believing we have found a way to erase their pain and our guilt. In the long run, these things will only cause them more pain – and you more guilt. In the end, if you must give your child something – give a hug. Ways to Avoid Weekend Disneyland Being a divorced parent has a great deal of internalized stress associated with it. There's a strong desire to make your children like you and want to spend time with you, especially if you only get to see them a few days a month. Studies show that what kids remember growing up is not the extravagant birthday parties or the expensive vacations. It's the ongoing consistent time spent together that create memories and bonding experiences. Here are 10 ways to avoid becoming a Disneyland Dad or Mom. By implementing these 10 simple skills, you will notice that your time with your children will be of better quality and will improve your relationship with them more than opening your wallet. 1. Be involved in your children's life. Be present to celebrate birthdays, significant events, and celebrations. Make it a point to attend their ball games, recitals, and school functions, even if it's not your "day," because it will make your 5. Spend quality time with your children. Make it a point to clear off part of your schedule to spend one-on-one time with your children. Remember your children are coming to see you, not the great toys at your house. 6. Send heartfelt tokens of your love and affection. Send notes or cards to your children. Remind them that you are thinking about them and love them. This will also let them know that you are always there for them. 7. Never pass on your time with your children. Sometimes we get sidetracked by our busy lifestyles and are unable to see our children on visitation days. Spending time with your children is the only way you can genuinely show them that they are more important than anything else. 8. Ask your children what they want to About the Author Robyn Sabes is a research writer and staff writer for Going Bonkers. Copyright Going Bonkers Magazine. All rights reserved. GB B O N K E R I S M Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side. 17. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com The Choice A NEW WAY OF LOOKING AT RELATIONSHIP ISSUES By Lesley Cordero Kathleen and Dan have been together for several years now. At first it was magic and Dan was so romantic and attentive. Now he is either criticizing her, or telling her about the many women who find him attractive, or ignoring her completely. When he’s home, he’s busy watching TV or playing video games, expecting her to wait on him. Just when she thinks that she can’t stand it any more, he becomes the old loving, romantic Dan once more; however, this never lasts longer than a few days and then he resumes his old behaviors. Kathleen knows that something has got to change, but simply cannot bring herself to take action. She needs a fresh set of eyes to look at her situation. WHAT YOU SEE REALLY IS WHAT YOU GET tim, trapped in this relationship. Kathleen sees Dan as the problem; if only he would change, then her life would be better. In her eyes, his behavior is rendering her powerless. NEW CHOICE: Examine how you are choosing to see yourself. Do you see yourself as a victim or as a partner in this relationship, helping steer its direction? Pay attention to how you choose to interpret your situation. Do you see yourself as stuck, or as having many options? WE ALWAYS HAVE CHOICES AND THE ONE WITH THE MOST CHOICES WINS! We see or perceive the world based on what we choose to pay attention to and how we choose to interpret it. If you see yourself trapped ... then you are. If you see yourself as a victim ... then you are. If you see your relationship as hopeless, then it is. But you do have a choice of seeing things in a different way. Kathleen is choosing to accept Dan’s behavior and she really thinks that she has very little choice in the matter. There is always a choice. Kathleen has made a choice simply by choosing to accept Dan's behavior. Dan sees that he has an infinite number of choices at the moment and this has given him an enormous amount of power. He is very much like the puppet master pulling the strings. Kathleen is attracting Dan’s abuse and neglect primarily because she hasn’t created the boundaries which will show Dan how she expects and deserves to be treated. She is choosing to see herself as a vic- NEW CHOICE: Choose to change your behavior by identifying more and better choices. What are your options for changing your situation? You can’t change your partner, but you can change you…and 18. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com when you change one thing, everything changes. WE HAVE A GOOD EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING THAT WE DO Every behavior is useful or valuable to us in some way. Kathleen’s submissive behavior is useful to her in that it reinforces her view of herself as a victim with no choices. Dan’s behavior is valuable to him as it reinforces his belief that he is master of his domain. Dan believes that he gains power by manipulating others. NEW CHOICE: Choose to determine what is valuable for you in your situation. How are your unhealthy behaviors being useful to you? In what ways are they supporting your subconscious beliefs about yourself? WE DO WHAT WORKS FOR US Every thing that we think, feel and do works to produce the results in life that we are getting. Kathleen’s relationship with Dan is on some unconscious level helping her achieve exactly the results that she wants. I’ll never get someone new. It’s better to put up with what I’ve got Anything is better than being alone He is exactly what I deserve He’ll change if I’m patient, he’s a good person underneath He really needs me, he just doesn’t realize it I need him, without him, I’m nothing NEW CHOICE: Choose to examine your beliefs and change them. You created them; you can change them. Look for evidence in the world to support your new beliefs about yourself. ACT AS IF YOU ALREADY HAVE WHAT YOU WANT If Kathleen wants a loving relationship based on mutual respect then she needs to model those essential qualities, not only in how she treats others, including Dan, but also in how she treats herself. In Kathleen’s case if she was more loving and respectful of herself she would draw some definite boundaries as to how she expects to be treated. If she really loved and respected Dan then she would expect more from him as well. NEW CHOICE: Choose what it is that you really want to achieve in your relationship then behave as if you already have it. If you really want to be loved, then be loving, not only to others, but also to yourself. If you want respect then be respectful, not only to others, but also to yourself. GB About the Author Lesley Cordero's mission is to significantly change people's lives by helping them to 'see things differently.' Cordero Consulting offers personal growth solutions in the form of workshops, keynote presentations, and Internet information resources. As a professional speaker, she has designed and delivered workshops, and keynote presentations to thousands of people internationally. Lesley has a background in education, is a trainer in Personality Type Indicators (True Colours, Personality Dimensions), a Master Practitioner in NLP (Neuro-linguistic Programming) and a Process Consultant. Subscribe to her free ezine "Deep Linking" at www.LesleyCordero.com and begin to connect with what is really important in your life. Are you ready to 'see things differently?'® NEW CHOICE: You can choose a new outcome. If you don’t like what you’ve got, change what you are thinking, feeling and doing. WE ACT OUR YOUR BELIEFS What does Kathleen believe about herself that requires her to stay in an unhealthy relationship? Whatever she believes she will always find lots of evidence in the world to support it. If she listened to her ‘self talk’ every time she thinks about leaving Dan, she would soon find out that deep down she believes: 19. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Life Lessons Learned from a Senior Looking Beyond Age 65 By Judith Viorst It matters not if today you’re 20, 40 or 60. If you’re one of the lucky ones, you’ll one day reach the ripe young age of sixty-five and wonder, “what now?” At sixty-five I acquired – in addition to my first grandchild – senior discounts, Social Security, and Medicare. My granddaughter was enchanting and the rest very helpful indeed, but I couldn’t help wondering, "Is that it for the good stuff?" Fifteen years later, after making my journey from the far shores of middle age (65) to the age I’m calling Unexpectedly Eighty, I am prepared to say there’s still plenty of good stuff in your future – if you’re thinking family, friends, oceans, ice cream, novels, movies, and sex, you won’t be far off. This is not to deny the fact that there is also plenty of bad stuff, like the holes in our brain through which names and dates have dropped, like the end of all hope of getting a good night’s sleep, and like the acquisition of ever-growing numbers of medications and specialists for ailments that we’d never heard of. And increasingly, our adult children are challenging our competence, with questions like, "Do you even know the difference between an iPod and an iPad?" Okay, so you do know the difference between an iPod and an iPad. But believe me, there’s always going to be some New Big Thing that you won’t find all that easy to understand. But while, in all kinds of ways, moving through your 60s and 70s won’t be easy, you can learn some valuable life lessons right now, well before you arrive at 65, that will sweeten your journey and help you enjoy the good stuff. Here are four of those lessons: This moment will not come again. There once seemed to be countless moments for you to waste or wish away, but after 65 you’ll live with a sharpened sense of finitude, with the inescapable knowledge that there are no longer many moments left to spare. You can use this knowledge to mourn the relentless brevity of life, but you also can use it today to notice, embrace and be grateful for whatever beneficence each moment offers. Get over it. When you age, you will contemplate your past and feel overlooked and underappreciated – you’ll feel that you never got what you wanted, expected, or deserved. Life, you’ll conclude, is unfair. Take a little time to rail against the injustice of it all. And then, today, because life is short and you have better things to do, move on and move forward. Pursue all those things today, in the hopes you’ll have fewer regrets later. It’s not always about you. Just because a friend is curt doesn’t mean you’ve done something to offend her. Nor does the fact that children fail to return your phone calls or e-mails once they leave home prove that, when the final grades on parenting came in, you had flunked. You can’t imagine how free you will feel when you finally start believing what you’ve never really believed before: that sometimes people don’t behave the way they ought to behave for reasons unrelated to your existence. You’re never too young or too old to try to fix the world. Whether you belong to the generation that once marched for peace and freedom, or the tech and gadget generation, you have talents to contribute. The world is a wreck and you need to do – we all need to do – whatever we are able to do to repair it. Do it for your kids, and their kids, and their kids. And do it out of love and respect for the riches – the good stuff – offered to us by the world – the good stuff you have today, and the good stuff you’ll have when you reach 80! GB About the Author Judith Viorst, 80, is a poet, novelist and writer of children’s books. Her most recent book of poems is Unexpectedly Eighty and Other Adaptations, published by Free Press. GB B O N K E R I S M Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop. 20. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Family Matters HOW TO MAKE MORE FAMILY TIME By Terri Levine, MCC, PCC, MS, CCC-SLP Many of today's families are very busy. Most households need two incomes to survive. Some parents even hold down two or more jobs in order to make ends meet. Many parents feel out of balance when it comes to their working and family time. Today's parents talk quite a bit about spending quality time with their children. Some parents believe that if they've spent time in the same room with their children, they've done enough. Unfortunately that time is usually focused on an enjoyable activity like watching a movie, or playing Xbox, or eating. The quality time your children spend with you gives them many benefits. Spending time as a family provides your children with feelings of love, support, security and safety. But how does a busy, tired parent find the time for “quality” time? Rethink your life Squeeze your work schedule into your family life, rather than your family into your schedule. Change your mindset and evaluate what is truly important. Make your family a priority. Give generously Make sure that you give each child individualized attention. Talk to your child; find out how he’s doing. Make yourself responsible for having a finger on his pulse. Be accessible, even when you’re busy. Give your time generously. Spending time doesn’t mean you have to do anything special. If you’re over- whelmed with chores, ask your kids to help. There’s something about engaging with others in activity that invites conversation and connection. Above all, check yourself before you use candy, money, toys or trips to make up for being unavailable. Remind yourself that this is often a clever attempt to minimize a sense of guilt. Discover the power of 15 minutes You can find at least 15 minutes in your day to spend with your family. It might be cuddle time with your children, or time to read to them or speak with them, or take a walk, or cook a meal together. Those 15 minutes with you being fully present are what really counts. work related. Simply spend the day with your family. You don't have to do anything special, just be together and experience being a family. Recovery days are appointments you never break. You'll be replenished and renewed. Share positive aspects At dinner time, or any together time, share things you appreciate about each family member. Tell the others what you appreciate. Be focused on what is working and what is good about each person. Really feel how much you appreciate them and how joyful you are for who they are. This is a great way to feel connected, appreciated, and to amp up your energy and love. Lunch and listen Have a weekly family night Each week schedule a family night – one hour or longer. Start with less time and build up. One family member selects what the family will do. You each take turns. This week you may pick dinner out. Next week your son may choose a family video or your daughter a special family game, or a TV show, or walk, or shop, it really doesn't matter as long as you all do it together and you don't break the date. This is quality time to be together and enjoy each other and an event. Plan a monthly 24-hour recovery day Plan one day a month where you do no work. You don't think about work, talk about work, or do work – no cell phone, pager, email, or paperwork – nothing Make a lunch date with your partner or your kids or both and grab a bite together. Catch up, and really tune in deeply and listen with your heart to what they have to say. Focus on them and on hearing them and learning more about them. You'll feel closer. GB About the Author Terri Levine, MCC, PCC, MS, CCC-SLP, is the Founder of Comprehensive Coaching – The Professional's Coach Training Program. A popular Master Certified personal and business Coach, Terri is also a sought after Public Speaker. She is the author of the bestsellers “Stop Managing, Start Coaching,” "Work Yourself Happy", "Coaching for an Extraordinary Life" and "Create Your Ideal Body." She can be contacted via the web site at: www.TerriLevine.com or by phone: 215-699-4949. 21. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Resilience Bouncing Back and Overcoming Life’s Hurdles By Andrea Redmond and Patricia Crisafulli maybe you’ve never had to deal with a business failure before. However, you may have experienced the loss of a relationship or dealt with a serious medical diagnosis. Remembering what enabled you to stay positive and hopeful about the future, instead of feeling victimized, will help you become more resilient now. What are the lessons learned from your past that can be applied to your current situation? When upsets in life happen, and they always do, it can be hard to find your way forward. Uncertainty, self-doubt, and fear can cloud your perception and cause you to second guess your decisions, making things unnecessarily difficult and complicated. Fortunately, you have an ally on your side: resilience. By the time we reached adulthood, we had faced and conquered a number of challenges including job losses, failed relationships, serious health issues for our self or a loved one, or the death of someone close to us. Moving through and beyond these difficult episodes creates resilience, a kind of emotional muscle that, once we develop, we never really lose. Remembering what got you through the trials of the past will help you be resilient now and in the future. Here are some tried-and-true tips to help you become more resilient: years ago. Because you’ve been through this before you know the pitfalls you’ll face, especially the uncertainty of when and where you’ll find your next opportunity. Take heart in the fact that you were able to find a job five years ago, and you’ll find one again. How much have you learned and grown since then, and what accomplishments have you mastered? Remember, what has made you successful thus far will make you successful again. Identify what is similar in your current challenge to what you’ve faced in the past. Look for emotional similarities as you face new difficulties. The connections may be obvious: losing your job today and a layoff five Some challenges in life feel like uncharted territory. For example, Remember your allies who have championed you. As the saying goes – no man is an island. We are all part of networks – familial, social, and professional – which keep us “plugged in” to a source of information and inspiration. These are the allies on whom you rely. Consider the example of former Hewlett-Packard Chair Patricia Dunn, who in the midst of a corporate espionage scandal while fighting stage-four ovarian cancer, drew strength from her allies. She defined these supporters as the people who really knew her and who bolstered her resilience by their unwavering support. Keep in mind, too, that your allies are the ones who will 22. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Identify your resilience role models. Resilience is an in-born quality that we all possess to some degree. By being more conscious of this quality in yourself, you can build your emotional stamina to go through the inevitable challenges in life with clarity, confidence, and grace. Keeping your perspective will allow you to discern the path ahead to move yourself forward into the future. As today’s difficulty is eventually resolved, and it will be, be S Focus on other areas of your life that give you joy. Even when a challenge consumes your time, energy, and attention, it is not the only thing in your life. You may have lost your job, but you still have friends and family who surround you, and pastimes and other interests that add meaning. After being asked to step down as chairman and CEO of Baxter International, Harry Kraemer was able to transition to a new life because he had never defined himself by his job. Other interests, including his family and faith, had always been a major part of his life. What in your life provides balance and brings you joy? Know that this, too, shall pass. Even the darkest days do not last forever. Eventually there is resolution. Life goes on. The knowledge that the chal- SEC ON D The inspiring example of people who overcame significant challenge can teach you about becoming more resilient in your own life. Consider Christopher Galvin, the third generation CEO of Motorola, who was stunned when he was asked to step down from the company’s leadership, just as the turnaround he had orchestrated was coming to fruition. Remembering the experiences of his grandfather, whose first two businesses went bankrupt before he became successful, Galvin claimed resilience as his personal and family legacy. Whom do you admire as resilient individuals, and what can their experiences teach you about finding your way forward? lenge you face now will not continue forever can help you set your sights on the proverbial “light at the end of the tunnel,” rather than seeing the difficulties as interminable. When have you gone through a particularly difficult challenge that, in the end, had a satisfactory or positive conclusion? 60 help you find new opportunities for the future, including connecting you to people whom they know. Who in your network champions you? E L F grateful for the experience. Know that you are better for having gone through it. You will emerge even more resilient, which will serve you well in the future. About the Author Andrea Redmond and Patricia Crisafulli are the authors of Comebacks: Powerful Lessons from Leaders who Suffered Setbacks and Recaptured Success on Their Terms (Jossey-Bass, 2010). Read more about them at www.AndreaRedmond.com and www.PatriciaCrisafulli.com GB B O N K E R I S M Never miss a good chance to shut up. Unresolved Emotional Issues If you’ve ever had an emotional burden weighing heavily on you, you’re all too familiar with how it drains your energy. Unresolved emotional issues can range from anger and resentment about current problems to grief and trauma from past experiences. Avoiding dealing with these issues will cause you to feel like you’re moving underwater. You’ll feel sluggish, weighed down and held back from creating a more balanced life. How to Resolve Emotional Issues It may sound overly simplistic, but working through them is the best way to resolve them once and for all! If you still hold a lot of anger toward someone in your past and refuse to forgive them, you’re only going to keep harming yourself. Likewise, if you feel angry or resentful toward someone in your life right now, avoiding the issue will only make it worse. Instead, make a strong effort to work through these situations. There are numerous ways to do so, from having a heartfelt talk with the person you’re angry with, to journaling your feelings, to working with a therapist. The most important thing is to work through any pain, trauma, anger or resentment you are holding inside so you can finally release it and achieve closure. Once you do that, you will find yourself feeling much lighter and freer – which will provide the space you need to better balance your life. Going Bonkers Magazine. Copyright 2011 23. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com The Three Pillars of Success By Eric Adler Getting ahead in life is like building a superstructure and in order for the structure to stand securely it needs supporting pillars. Three are all you need and here they are: Pillar #1 GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY The majority of people tend to get into a comfortable rut. They know what they will be doing each day, each week, and each year. Within certain guidelines, their lives are predicable and stable. Predictable and stable, however, are not factors that lead to success. Risk taking and instability are the keys to going from mediocre to stellar. Most people have a difficult time moving out of a comfortable situation and into one of insecurity and unknown turns. But this is exactly what you have to do to become successful – get out of your own way. The best way to do this is to take small steps towards a larger goal. Realize that there are four major areas that make up our comfort zones: Geographical, personal, activity-related, and mental. That is: Geographical: Where we live, work, Understand that expanding doesn’t mean getting rid of what’s already there. You can make new friends and not abandon the old ones. You can pick up a second hobby and still enjoy the first. This is an addition not a subtraction process. Pillar #2 KNOW WHERE YOU WANT TO GO AND HOW TO GET THERE It’s easy to say, “Set goals.” It’s not so easy to set ones that are actually meaningful to you. We sometimes get so comfortable that we lose sight of what else there is to strive after. So our list ends up looking like everyone else’s New Year’s Resolutions: Lose weight, exercise, and spend more time with the family. We all know how successful these broad, half-hearted goals are – made on January 1, forgotten by February 1. There are three factors that need to be put into play when setting goals: Set Your Own Goals: Don’t let others decide for you. If a goal isn’t meaningful to you, you won’t develop the enthusiasm needed to achieve it. Make Your Goals Concrete and co-workers Specific: Don’t just say you want to make more money. Set an exact amount and a firm time frame in which to make the goal. and hobbies Determine What Effort is Required: and play Personal: Our friends, family, and Activity-Related: Our entertainment Mental: What and how we think Now, the trick to expanding one’s comfort zone is to not change all these areas at once. Try one or maybe two at a time, get used to that and then move on to the others. Changing any one area can be stressful. Doing too much, too soon will send you scurrying back to your comfortable rut. If you don’t know what you need to do in order to reach a goal, it’s a wish not a goal. Be very clear about how much energy, time, and resources are going to be needed to be successful. Pillar #3 STOP TALKING AND TAKE ACTION Deciding to move out of one’s comfort zone and setting the goals to get to new levels are the easy parts. These are the planning stages. Now comes the time for action. Too many times people stop after setting up the parameters for success and then never take another step. Don’t Announce Your Goals: Telling others only invites people who will tell you how hard it will be or why it can’t be done. Keep your goals to yourself to avoid all the naysayers. Never Move Backwards: Don’t let setbacks stop you. If things are temporarily going wrong, don’t use this as an excuse to retreat. Analyze what went amiss and what is needed to get back on track. Reward Yourself Along the Way: Break a large goal into many minigoals. Once you achieve a mini-goal, reward yourself. This will help keep your enthusiasm high and give you many small successes leading to the big success at the end. Establish these three pillars and you can accomplish anything you desire. GB About the Author Eric Adler is a trainer and mastercoach in the fields of communication, motivation and mental training. He is an Austrian-based, best-selling author and Europe’s leading social competence expert who developed a unique method for measurable and verifiable personality development. A public study that consisted of 800 adults and teens documented that Eric's unique form of personal development training had a very effective impact. His knowhow is widespread in the licensing system in Europe, and he now issues licenses to trainers, speakers, coaches and consultants in the U.S., as well. For more information, visit www.asc12.com or e-mail adler@asc12.com 24. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com TM TM TM Featured Article Fried Why You Burn Out & How to Revive By Joan Borysenko, Ph.D Are you feeling emotionally and physically exhausted and cynical, wondering if you’ve got what it takes to make it in this rapidly changing world? What happened to the spark you had as a child that powered your curiosity and creativity, and kept you engaged and excited about life? Has it burned out? 26. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com continued next page 27. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Fried - continued What Exactly is Burnout? While burnout isn’t a recognized clinical psychiatric or psychological disorder, there are some similar features between burnout and depression. Burnout actually looks a lot like depression, but it’s not. Nor is it a biological bogeyman that medication or simple stress management can cure. It’s a disorder of hope and will that sucks the life out of competent, idealistic, hardworking people like you. Burnout is much more common than depression. It’s also less severe, more temporary in duration, and clearly caused by situational stressors rather than a biological or chemical imbalance. It’s kind of like depression’s younger, less intense cousin that just comes for a visit and disappears when you stop feeding it (make the appropriate lifestyle changes). 3 Major Symptoms of Burnout Fatigue is one of the three major symptoms of burnout. It’s a particular kind of tired, too. You feel emotionally exhausted and overwhelmed – drained – like you can’t manage anything else. The second component of burnout is called depersonalization. You don’t want to engage with anyone and you lose empathy. It’s hard to relate to other people – it’s hard even to relate to yourself. It’s like something vital inside – one’s soul or ability to relate – has gone missing. The third aspect of burnout is loss of confidence and competence. You feel like your performance is slipping, which it often is. As burnout progresses your health goes south as well as your relationships, productivity, enjoyment of life, and overall wellbeing. Burnout can be compared to a state of living hell. You become cynical and angry, despising others for being stupid, lazy, or undisciplined. Stage 7: Emotionally exhausted and 12 Stages of Burnout The psychologist who named burnout back in 1974, Dr. Herbert Freudenberger, and his colleague psychologist Gail North, identified 12 stages. They may or may not occur in precise order and sometimes you may not experience some of them. If you can recognize where you’re at – as if you were looking at a map – and realize that you’re on a slippery slope, it’s easier to wake up and do something to shift the course of your life before you end up sick and depressed. Below are the twelve stages of burnout: Stage 1: Driven by an ideal. You have a compulsion to prove yourself (commitment to win no matter what). Stage 2: Working like a maniac. You’re working harder and harder, feeling irreplaceable as you buckle down, raise personal expectations, and take on more and more responsibility. Stage 3: Putting your own needs last. You’re neglecting your own basic needs, and eating, sleeping, playing are sacrificed for performance. Stage 4: Miserable and clueless as to why. You experience a displacement, like something is wrong but you’re unsure what. Stage 5: The death of values. You revise your priorities and what is important to you – friends, hobbies, and fun are dismissed. Stage 6: Frustrated, aggressive, and cynical. disengaged. You withdraw socially; experience a loss of hope and direction. You may risk addiction as you seek relief from drugs, sex, or alcohol. Stage 8: I’ve morphed into what? You experience obvious behavior changes (shy, apathetic, depressed, haggard) Stage 9: Get away from me! Depersonalization; you lose contact with self and others, and life becomes meaningless and mechanical. Stage 10: Inner emptiness. You feel an inner emptiness and you may be compelled to overcompensate by oversexing, overeating, drug and alcohol abuse in place of leisure time. Stage 11: Who cares and why bother? You feel depressed, indifferent, hopeless, exhausted, and life loses meaning. Feelings ranging from agitation to apathy set in. Stage 12: Physical and mental collapse: Full blown burnout. You may have suicidal thoughts and/or obsession with heaven, physical and mental collapse, and an immediate need for medical help. The first stage is really your own idealism – your deepest need to prove your value. As you slip into the next stage, you’re trying your very best to be a good worker, a good parent, a good whatever. You work very hard at it. With time you begin to work even harder and your priorities start to get lost. As you progress, into burnout you start to feel more exhausted and obsessed and as if you’ll never catch up it’s harder to sleep, which adds to the exhaus- 28. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com tion. Some people try to soothe themselves with food, alcohol or drugs, which is why burnout can lead to addiction. Somewhere along the line the people you serve at work, or your loved ones at home, become a bother to you. They require too much from you, and you have nothing left to give. You experience a loss of empathy and caring. Your ability to do a good job slips, and life starts to seem hopeless or even meaningless. You feel empty and you lose your motivation. Stress related illness is common, the joy goes out of life, and finally you slide into despair and depression. Burnout and Your Health Fatigue is the commonest complaint that people have during burnout. Somewhere between 70-90% of visits to family practice docs are for stressrelated illnesses. Let me be clear. Burnout is not stress or caused by stress. It’s a kind of shutting down and closing up shop in mind, body, and spirit. Nonetheless, being burned out is incredibly stressful. It can lead to stress-related disorders like back pain, headaches, digestive symptoms, profound fatigue, muscle aches, high blood pressure, irregular heartbeats and a myriad of other symptoms. If you’ve got diabetes, stress can make your blood sugar hard to control and it worsens almost all chronic illnesses. Furthermore stress causes inflammation in the body, and that is a common factor in so many illnesses. When you feel good in your life, the tendency is to be healthy in your body. When you’re in a state of psychological hell, as in burnout, unfortunately the body responds in kind. Revival I wrote a book on burnout, in part, because I’m an expert at doing it. I’ve been burning out regularly since I was 15 years old. When I began to reflect on the 12 stages of burnout I realized that they are a powerful tool. Every day I rate myself on this burnout scale. In terms of the early stages, sometimes you do have to work hard to meet a deadline and put your own needs last. It’s when that becomes chronic that you’ve got a problem and begin to feel miserable – that’s a stage 4 and that’s my red flag. I know I have to take time out and refresh, which for me, is all about going into nature. When my mind stops running, then I can get a little distance on where I am and see what else might need to change. Another revival strategy is to develop stronger boundaries – saying “no” more, letting go of friends who are draining, turning down work that you know doesn’t feel good to you, even when your mind tells you that you need it to make ends meet or to please someone else. At a certain point – stage 7 for me – I know that I’m in deep trouble. That’s when I have to get away for a longer retreat. And over the years, I’ve worked on some of the underlying patterns that have made me so single-mindedly convinced that I have to change the world to be of any value. Years ago I became a fan of Dr. Martin Seligman, Professor of Psychology at University of PA. His theory is that learned helplessness is the precursor of depression. Let me give you an example. When I was seven I went to overnight camp for the first time. To make a long story short I was tormented by the older girls who made fun of me, threw my tennis balls into the woods, and humiliated me in sexually explicit games of doctor. So I packed up my stuff one night in my duffel bag and ran away. The next morning I got caught and brought back to the camp where I was held prisoner in my bunk until the end of the summer. I was told that my parents would never believe my story and that they’d hate me if I said anything. Six weeks in solitary confinement disabled my get up and go. I became easily discouraged and sometimes – even when a situation wasn’t very serious – I began to think it was the end of the world. My ability to see that I was effective diminished and I stopped taking risks. That’s called learned helplessness. As soon as I understood its roots I was able to go back and do some healing of that childhood trauma. I was also able to identify the pessimistic thinking that it created and then dispute my own self-defeating thoughts. Was it really true that if I didn’t finish my book on time my publisher would hate me, I’d never get another contract, and I’d starve to death? Did it mean that I’m a bad person? Of course not. It only meant that I needed a book extension and I got three of them for Fried. Learning to pay attention to your own needs and to ask for what feels manageable and healthy is so important to prevent and revive from burnout. GB About the Author Joan Borysenko, Ph.D, a Harvard-trained medical scientist, psychologist, and renowned pioneer in stress and health – straddles psychology, biology, and soul in a completely fresh approach to burnout. Her book Fried: Why You Burn Out and How to Revive is published by Hay House, Inc. and available at all bookstores or online at www.hayhouse.com. Joan’s deeply human (and often amusing) personal accounts of burnout and recovery; the science of helplessness, hopelessness, and empowerment; and the rich wisdom of people who have gone from fried to revived, including many of Joan’s vibrant community of 5,000 Facebook friends, make her powerful and practical book a must-read for our times. 29. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com The Joy Thief Within By Dr. Marjorie Wolter UNDERSTANDING THE BELIEFS AND BEHAVIORS THAT STEAL YOUR JOY It had taken half a decade for Amy to realize that Sally was the culprit – stealing her own joy, and even Amy’s joy, when Amy let her. Sally was all too ready to demean Amy’s job promotion and her upcoming wedding. It was as though “joy” had been ripped from Sally’s dictionary, and it saddened Amy. Far from feeling her friend was a lost cause, Amy just wished Sally could see that everyone had opportunities masked as problems, but also the unique abilities to dance through them – and that each of us are an absolute perfect, and necessary, piece of the humanity puzzle. Amy’s heart went out to her friend, Sally. Watching Sally’s actions was a lesson in what NOT to do to live a happy life. “I’m a magnet for idiots. I can never catch a break. You just don’t know how bad things get for me,” Sally would lament. Yet Sally discounted Amy’s feelings when Amy faced hardship. Amy felt as if they were in competition to see who had more tough times. Here are four of the ways we let ourselves and others steal our joy: The first type of joy thievery is a belief in the idea that arbitrary negative traits exist. Are you too loud, too quiet, too big, too little, too poor, too rich? Pick a trait, and there are media clips devoted to the idea that who you are is just plain not good enough. Type two joy stealing occurs when They used to hike every day and chat about their dreams. During the last five years, Sally had gained at least fifty pounds, preferring to sit alone and eat instead of giving herself the healthy pleasure of getting outside. On the flip side, Sally was quick to point out all of Amy’s flaws. we believe we must hide the behaviors that society labels as unsavory, so that we fit into someone else’s ideals of perfection. Sally chose to sooth her wounds through eating. The eating in and of itself was a coping mechanism. But, her need to hide what society defines as an unsavory habit caused her joy to disappear as she became more isolated and depressed. Type three joy destruction condemns us to see themselves as flawed at the core, therefore unworthy of happiness. Instead of seeing who we truly are (a piece of divinity) we allow behaviors that were once transient problem solvers to become imbedded as an unchangeable part of our being. “Doing better when we know better” becomes “I will never change because my behaviors control me and my beliefs about them are fixed.” Type four joy extraction is negativity. Dark clouds hang around negative people – so we shouldn’t. When these negative souls encounter someone who is really happy, they, often unconsciously, sabotage our joy by lying, cheating, judging or gossiping. Most “dark cloud people” don’t realize what they are doing; Their ability to understand that there is a different way is either lost or buried. While headlines beg us to conform, 30. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com what we really need is the courage to claim our unique beauty and genius. Being a leader in your own life prevents you from ever second-guessing your worth or allowing your joy to be stolen. Changes happen regardless of our attitude about them, so why not be a beacon of light for others AND keep yourself happy in the process? Here are a few tips that will take a pitchfork to the joy stealers taking up space in your brain or your life: Current events may seem overwhelming, but you have the resources within to make an ally of them. Go back to a time when the world was your oyster and a solution/skill set came out of you that was beyond belief. Focus on that time, and how easily victory was achieved. Your example could be as simple as pulling a chair up to the kitchen counter when you were too short to get at Grandma’s cookies. You came up with a successful strategy then, and that same strategic thinking is still within you, so tap in and enjoy! frustration feeding frenzy. Love yourself the way a best friend would. See beauty in every aspect of your physical, mental, emotional make-up. This also gives others permission to do the same. myself for your wedding.” Sally met her goal, thoroughly enjoyed the wedding, and met a groomsman who thought she was the most delightful person he had ever met . . . GB When you are tempted to disconnect, About the Author plug in. Amy wanted to help her friend through rough times and remind Sally of how special she is. Because Sally checked out, both parties lost out. Instead of collaborating, they were stagnating! Give yourself the benefit of receiving the support family and friends offer to deliver. Equal parts of giving and receiving are part of life’s natural balance and a sure fire way to keep joy a mainstay in any situation! Dr. Marjorie Wolter is a speaker, mentor, and founder of Vita Celebrata, a consulting firm specializing in inspired leadership, and creating unique cultures of success. With over twenty years of experience, she is a catalyst for those who will only be satisfied having achieved a life worth celebrating. Marjorie has authored three books: “Magnificent Men are Everywhere,” “Seekers and Evolutionaries,” and “Seeking Celebration.” You are invited to learn more about her speaking and consulting by visiting www.drmarjoriewolter.com or calling 800-959-8096. To Amy’s surprise, a phone message from Sally changed everything. “Amy, you have been such a good friend. Watching how you navigated tough times and coming away stronger and happier, was an amazing and motivational gift. Thanks to you, I am rethinking what my life should look like. I wanted you to know I just joined a gym. My goal is to look and feel good about GB B O N K E R I S M Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back. Be vigilant of the negativity that floods airwaves. The underlying media message is significantly slanted toward disaster and telling us we are just not good enough. You know better! Remind yourself that you are here for a reason. Your talents and passions will inspire others while freeing you from anxiety. Standards of perfection shift like sand. Instead of being embarrassed about qualities deemed unworthy, owning them fully will allow healing to begin. Understanding that potentially unhealthy behaviors may be your own way of caretaking your emotional wounds lets you lovingly thank and release them. Self-hatred only creates a 31. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Family Goal Setting By Rob Stringer Successful families don't just happen. They take time and planning. This month, in addition to any personal resolutions you may have made, consider sitting down with your family to reflect on your collective accomplishments and dreams. Then set some family goals for the year ahead. How to begin: 1. Schedule. Set aside a few hours over a series of nights, and gather together everyone in your home. Your teens will need notice, but tasty treats might help attendance. 2. Share the purpose. You will be discussing your wants, dreams and the values you hold important in your lives, then using them to develop goals to guide your family. 3. Reflect. Consider having each member choose and record one really important goal from each category: Health Financial Relationships Career Community Spiritual Intellectual 4. Discuss. Share your ideas. Be open and accepting. Some might need a little coaxing to share, for fear of being ridiculed. However, if done in an atmosphere of mutual respect, this can be a great opportunity to really get to know your family! It can also give insight into people's frustrations and stressors, as you learn about the ideals they hold important in their lives. 5. Analyze. Are they feasible? Are they specific enough? Look for similarities. Do any overlap with others? 6. Write. Now collectively create a series of statements to both collapse and capture these common desires. These will become your family goals. For example: We are a kind and loving family who is thankful for all that we have. We value & support family and friends. We exercise regularly and lead healthy lives. We share our time, talents and resources with others. We invest in the future financially and spiritually. We strive for excellence in education, and encourage life-long learning. 7. Celebrate. You now have a set of goals to help guide your family's decision-making. Everyone can now weigh choices against these statements to determine if they lead your family closer or further from your family's goals. 8. Post & review. Whether you frame your goals or carry copies in your wallets, take time each day, week, and month to reflect and review what you have accomplished. Are you making choices which support these goals? Don't worry if you slip. Even the most effective families can be off track most of the time! The trick that keeps them on target is their shared sense of focus and destination. They know where they are headed, and they keep coming back to it. Thoughts to ponder: Change is hard. Old habits are difficult to overcome. Be patient and supportive of one another. Involve everyone. The process of family goal setting can help give family members a better sense of "voice." Telling your family what their goals are will not promote acceptance. Take your time. Creating family goals should be a process, not a one day event. Regardless of your family type – big, small, divorced, blended, adoptive or otherwise, successful families don't just happen. So, make a plan and provide the focus needed to achieve your family’s dreams and goals. GB About the Author Rob Stringer is an award-winning educator, speaker and author who coaches parents with his upbeat approach to learning, and parenting. Rob is currently working on his first book, Parenting with Intention, and has launched a free monthly newsletter by the same name. Visit www.ParentingWithIntention.ca to subscribe, access resources, or learn more about his parent coaching services. GB B O N K E R I S M Deal with other's faults as gently as if they were your own. 32. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com A d n Fi Subscribe Today & Save! re u C ALL NEW SUBSCRIPTIONS START WITH THE NEXT ISSUE Name (please print) Address/Apt. City/State/Zip E-mail Payment options by credit card call (281) 492-1605 or on the web at: 4 DIGITAL Subscriptions DIGITAL SUPER SPECIAL! 3 Year PDF $39.95 2 Year PDF $24.95 1 Year PDF $15.95 4 Year PDF $39.95 Includes: 4 years of DIGITAL version of Going Bonkers Magazine + 4 years of Going Bonkers Business Edition + 4 years of Bonkers Bits (our monthly digital newsletter) www.GBonkers.com Subscribe Phone YEARS ENCLOSE YOUR CHECK OR MONEY ORDER Subscribe Today & Save! NOW ALL NEW SUBSCRIPTIONS START WITH THE NEXT ISSUE Name (please print) Address/Apt. City/State/Zip and SAVE E-mail Payment options by credit card call (281) 492-1605 or on the web at: Phone 4 DIGITAL Subscriptions DIGITAL SUPER SPECIAL! 3 Year PDF $39.95 2 Year PDF $24.95 1 Year PDF $15.95 4 Year PDF $39.95 Includes: 4 years of DIGITAL version of Going Bonkers Magazine + 4 years of Going Bonkers Business Edition + 4 years of Bonkers Bits (our monthly digital newsletter) www.GBonkers.com YEARS ENCLOSE YOUR CHECK OR MONEY ORDER Subscribe Today & Save! Reply TODAY! ALL NEW SUBSCRIPTIONS START WITH THE NEXT ISSUE Name (please print) Address/Apt. City/State/Zip E-mail Going Bonkers? You’ll learn You’ll laugh You’ll LOVE it! Payment options by credit card call (281) 492-1605 or on the web at: www.GBonkers.com Phone 4 DIGITAL Subscriptions DIGITAL SUPER SPECIAL! 3 Year PDF $39.95 2 Year PDF $24.95 1 Year PDF $15.95 4 Year PDF $39.95 Includes: 4 years of DIGITAL version of Going Bonkers Magazine + 4 years of Going Bonkers Business Edition + 4 years of Bonkers Bits (our monthly digital newsletter) ENCLOSE YOUR CHECK OR MONEY ORDER YEARS We guarantee that you may cancel your subscription at any time upon request and that you will receive a prompt refund on any unmailed issues. Place this card in envelope with check or money order and mail to: Going Bonkers? Magazine Subscription Dept Subscribe NOW P.O. Box 6190 Katy, TX 77491 We guarantee that you may cancel your subscription at any time upon request and that you will receive a prompt refund on any unmailed issues. Place this card in envelope with check or money order and mail to: and SAVE Going Bonkers? Magazine Subscription Dept P.O. Box 6190 Katy, TX 77491 We guarantee that you may cancel your subscription at any time upon request and that you will receive a prompt refund on any unmailed issues. Place this card in envelope with check or money order and mail to: Reply TODAY! Going Bonkers? Magazine Subscription Dept P.O. Box 6190 Katy, TX 77491 Going Bonkers? You’ll learn You’ll laugh You’ll LOVE it! Writing Great My Specific Goals I will ic Goal: • Specif skets in 20 a get 18 b ne 1, 2011. Ju n tries by rking o egin wo 15, I will b ary u n a J l this goa 2011. I will ic Goal: • Specif as an elecb jo have a by ngineer trical e , 2015. I will 1 ry Janua on this orking 011. begin w ary 1, 2 ru b e F goal I will ic Goal: • Specif unds by..... o p 0 lose 1 Specific Goals By Nicki Blake You’ve written your goals, probably listing each one in a line. You know what you want to achieve and you know the benefits you’ll get from achieving it. Now you are ready to write it in a way that will help you make it happen. Studies of successful people have shown that they write goals that contain similar elements. To write a goal like winners do, be sure that: 1. It is stated in a positive way. (I will..." instead of "I might" or "I hope..." 2. It is obtainable. (Be realistic, but don't sell yourself short.) 3. It involves your behavior and not someone else’s. 4. It is written. 5. It includes a way to measure successful completion. 6. It includes the specific date when you will begin working on the goal. 7. It includes a projected date when you will reach the goal. 8. If it is a big goal, it is divided into manageable steps or sub goals. 9. The projected dates for working on and completion of sub goals are specified. Despite the length of the list, great goals are easy to write. The following are examples of goals containing the necessary components. General Goal: I will be a better basketball player during this year. Specific Goal: I will get 18 baskets in 20 tries by June 1, 2011. I will begin working on this goal January 15, 2011. General Goal: I will become an electrical engineer some day. Specific Goal: I will have a job as an electrical engineer by January 1, 2015. I will begin working on this goal February 1, 2011. General Goal: I will go on a diet. Specific Goal: I will lose 10 pounds by April 1, 2011. I will begin dieting and exercising February 27, 2011. Now, write your general goal. (Be sure to start with "I will") _______________________________ ______________________________. Now make it more specific by adding the manner of measurement and projected completion date. _______________________________ _______________________________ ______________________________. continued next page 35. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Writing Great Specific Goals - continued I will begin working on this goal on (date) _______________________________. Considering how completing this goal will benefit you is quite important because this benefit will be the source of motivation for the work and sacrifice needed to complete your goal. To remind yourself why this goal is important to you, complete the sentence below. Use as much detail as you can by imagining the goal completed. Begin with, "I will benefit by meeting this goal because..." _______________________________ _______________________________ ______________________________. Because some goals are so big that thinking about them makes us feel overwhelmed, it is necessary to break them into sub goals or the steps you need to take in order to meet your major goal. These steps should be listed below along with a projected date for completion. can complete all of them. Use this as your projected ending date. Next, turn this table into a Gantt chart by labeling columns to the right of completion date with an appropriate time periods (weeks, months, or years) and color in the cells for the times you will work on a particular step. Project management software usually contain features for making Gantt charts and make the job more fun by automatically changing related charts when you make a change in any one of them. Now that you have learned to write a great specific goal and to schedule sub goals on a Gantt chart, you are ready to learn how to maintain your motivation and momentum. Maintaining Motivation & Momentum Creating Sub-Goals Write the goal you are working on here: _______________________________ _______________________________ ______________________________. Since this list will be used to schedule your work on these steps, you will save time if you set up a table on another piece of paper with a wide column for listing the steps, and a number of columns to the side which will eventually be used to indicate time periods. Once you have written a specific goal, sub goals, and a schedule for completion, you will need to figure out how to get yourself to do things you are unaccustomed to doing. Remember that unless you change what you do, it is unlikely that you will meet your goal. On a separate sheet of paper, make a table with a two columns. To the right of these columns, attach gridded or graph paper. See the image at the top of the page for an example. Below you will find a list of suggestions others have used to stay on track to meeting their goals. Since everyone is a little different, you will need to guess which of the following suggestions will work for you. It may be helpful to try several for a week, evaluate their effectiveness and then modify them. Sharing ideas with your class- After you have listed the steps you will need to complete in order to attain your goal, estimate the date by which you mates may also be helpful since slight modifications of these suggestions might make them work better for you. Tips to Trick Yourself into Success 1. Keep Your Dream in Mind. Review the benefits of meeting your goal. You must keep these in mind daily. If these benefits stop seeming important to you, you may want to reconsider the goal. Some easy ways to keep benefits of reaching your goal are to: 1. Reread your goal dreaming sheet. 2. Make signs showing pictures of your completed goal and the benefits of meeting it. For example, if your goal were to be a famous singing star, you might post pictures of famous singers. You could paste your face on these pictures and make "headlines" stating your name and describing your success. Get creative with this! Post these signs in places where you will see them often such as on the door of your locker, on your bathroom mirror, and on the door of your refrigerator. Describe three signs you will make to keep your dream in mind. _______________________________ _______________________________ ______________________________. 2. Maintain a Positive Attitude. If your goal is big, you may need to overcome doubts that you really can meet it. Keeping yourself on track, however, requires a steady belief that you actually will meet this goal. 36. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com a. To remain optimistic, remind yourself that the steps you have listed really will lead to success. If you don't believe they will, review them with someone and make adjustments until you believe these steps really lead to meeting your goal. b. Find other people who have met this goal. Knowing how long and hard others have worked for it will give you strength to keep going when you begin to doubt. You need to be able to believe that with determination, perseverance and hard work and you can meet your goal. (Wanting it badly is not enough.) 2. Make working toward your goal fun. For example, if you want to exercise more, but find it boring, you might make it fun by exercising with a friend or while watching your favorite TV show. The more enjoyable you find the work toward your goal, the easier it will be to stay on track. You will have to forgive yourself for days when you don't complete all tasks and start fresh with a positive attitude each day. Set up little rewards for yourself for completing your tasks. THINGS I NEED S M T W T F S TO DO List as many ways as you can which could make working on your goal fun. If possible, brainstorm with a partner. _______________________________ _______________________________ ______________________________. 3. Chart Your Progress. Name two people who have met this goal. _______________________________ ______________________________. You can find out how they worked toward their goals by talking to them or reading about their lives. How do you plan to find out more about these two people? _______________________________ _______________________________ ______________________________. Make a chart with of things you plan do to meet your goal down the left side. Label the columns with days of the week or dates when you will check off whether or not you have completed these tasks. If you have support of your family, post this chart so everyone will see how you are doing. Knowing someone will see whether you have completed your tasks for the day can be helpful; however, even if you are the only one who sees it, the chart can be a powerful motivator. 4. Consider Asking for Support from Close Friends and Family Members. It is important to limit the number of people you tell about your goals to those who will not discourage you by suggesting that your goal isn't important or that you cannot meet it. Because 1. Post quotes about winners never giving up and hard work making dreams come true. Check books of quotations under the headings, “perseverance," "dreams" and "positive attitude" for quotes that will keep your spirits high. Write three different quotations you will put on three positive attitude signs. _______________________________ _______________________________ ______________________________. If you are religious, you might also write a prayer about your goal. 37. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com continued next page Writing Great Specific Goals - continued friends and family members may have difficulty believing in your dreams or because they may not really want you to change, they may unintentionally discourage you, so be really cautious about revealing your goals. If you are fortunate enough to have someone who will encourage you, however, by all means, enlist their support. Show them your goal worksheets and your plans for self motivation, and then ask them for suggestions. Get them to be your cheering squad telling them to compliment you on good days but not to be critical if you don't complete everything. Who will you tell about your goal? _______________________________ ______________________________. Who will you not tell about your goal? _______________________________ ______________________________. 5. Schedule a Regular Time to Evaluate the Motivation Techniques You are Using. At these times, you may want to stop using some of these techniques, change some, add others, or even change your goal. Remember if you decide to change your goal then you should complete all the steps listed in your worksheets for the new goal. List the dates you will assess your efforts to maintain motivation and momentum. _______________________________ ____________________________. GB About the Author Nicki Blake is a research writer and staff writer for Going Bonkers. Copyright Going Bonkers Magazine. All rights reserved. Cause or Effect Making this Universal Law Work for You The Law of Cause & Effect states that absolutely everything happens for a reason. All actions have consequences and produce specific results, as do all inactions. The choices we make are causes, whether they are conscious or unconscious, and will produce corresponding outcomes or effects. The Law works the same for everyone at all times. Distilled down to the simplest possible terms, this Law states that for every outcome or effect in one's life, there is a specific cause; poor diet and exercise habits (cause) result in poor health (effect); constant and uncontrolled spending (cause) results in debt and money worries (effect); not putting effort into your relationships (cause) results in poor relationships and all of the associated issues (effect). Making It Work For You The wonderful thing about this law is that by definition, we are able to manifest that which we truly want (the effect) simply by making the right choices (cause). The good news is that you don’t have to figure out the cause on your own. For example, if you have a desire to achieve success in a chosen field, then find someone who has achieved it and figure out how they did it. What books did they read? What courses did they study? What beliefs did they hold? What actions did they take? If you were to emulate the things they did to be successful, you would achieve the same results over a period of time. If, over time, this does not occur, it is likely because there is something different in what you were doing – some vital piece of information that is missing. What You Can Do Here are three action exercises to help you get more of what you want: 1. Determine the Cause & Effect in the areas in which you want improvement. Identify the specific things you will need to do in order to get the results that you desire. 2. Take action! Make the decision to focus on, and do, the things that others have done to achieve your desired result. Half the battle is taking action. 3. Persevere. If you take action and do the things that others have done, you will eventually get the desired results. Success takes time, so if it doesn't seem to be working immediately, don't give up! Stay focused, analyze your causes to ensure you are doing the right things; tweak your approach if necessary – you will get the desired results! There is no mystery to achieving success – it is available to all of us. One need only be aware of, understand and live in accordance with this Universal Law! GB ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Tony Davies is a Business & Personal Coach. He is an expert in the areas of Leadership and Personal Development. To contact Tony, check out his website at www.momentumbusiness.ca 38. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com ® A sweet wine for those who don’t want or can’t have sugar! Made from a blend of California grapes and zero -calorie Zerose. ® No Sugar No Carbs No Fat No Aftertaste NO KIDDING! Ask for Slender at your favorite wine shop. Currently available for distribution in California, Florida, Kentucky, Illinois, Indiana, New York, Michigan, Ohio and South Dakota. Coming soon to Montana, Texas and Wisconsin. R PER 5 FL. OZ. - AVERAGE ANALYSIS Calories Fat Protein Carbohydrates Watch the video on: www.slenderwine.com Slender wine is available to many other states through direct shipping. Please visit our web site at: www.chateauthomas.com/online/wines/ 131 0.0 g 0.9 g 0.09 g Chateau Thomas Winery • www.chateauthomas.com 6291 Cambridge Way, Plainfield, IN 46168 • (317) 837-WINE (9463) and (800) 761-WINE (9463) SLENDER At the end of their first date, a young man decides to try for that important first kiss. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?" A man muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced. She replies, "Are you crazy? My parents will see us!" An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!" Take a Laugh Break "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I like you so much!!" "No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!" EVER WONDER ... Why don't you ever see the headline: 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? Why ‘abbreviated' is such a long word? "Oh yes you can. Please?" Why it is that doctors call what "NO, no. I just can't." they do 'practice’? "Pleeeeease?" Why lemon juice is made with The porch light goes on and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas. In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and kiss him. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!" artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid is made with real lemons? A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you with the muscles and curly hair?" “That's your father," she replied. With a puzzled look, the son asked, "then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us?" Why the time of day with the slowest traffic is called rush hour? Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains? One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch: My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying. Real advertisements For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers. Drycleaner: We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. A hobo comes up to the front door of a farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime but I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW." 40. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com 60 D S SEC ON E L F The Art of Detachment GOING BONKERS DIGITAL SUPER SPECIAL 4 years! When someone is rude or treats you in a derogatory manner don’t allow yourself to be hurt. Instead, practice the art of detachment. That person’s behavior is not a personal attack on you. It is the pain from a wound in that individual’s soul that is crying out to be healed. Even people who seem to have it all together can have deep wounds or fears that cause them to react to others in a less than compassionate or even civil manner. And even if another cannot be compassionate toward you, the choice to detach and react is yours. INCLUDES: + + 4 years of Going Bonkers Business Edition + LEARNING, LAUGHING & STRESS-FREE LIVING Realize that any lashing out in your direction is not personal, even if it seems that way. Counteract the negativity with compassion. Developing the art of compassion can take time, and in doing so you will be deflecting the negativity away from yourself. There is strength in compassion. Going Bonkers Magazine. Copyright 2011 4 years of DIGITAL version of Going Bonkers Magazine Bonkers + 4 years of Bonkers Bits Bits (Our monthly digital newsletter) the self-help newsletter USD with a sense of humor 39 .95 (USA, CAN & International) www.GBonkers.com 41. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com 5 Many people are under the impression that being organized means getting and staying that way once and for all. However, you may be surprised to learn that organization is really a habit. It is very much a continuous system of processing your belongings as they come in, leave, or stay in your possession. Think about what “your belongings” means for a moment. You’ve got clothing, household items, books, media, paperwork, junk mail (mountains of junk mail!), shoes, purses, gardening equipment, sporting equipment, personal care items, and more. These things are constantly flowing in and out of your life, and often gathering in piles in the corners and surfaces of your home. How are you processing them? If you’ve got more coming in than is going out, there is bound to be a logjam somewhere. That doesn’t mean you have to give away something as soon as you receive or buy something new (although that isn’t a bad policy either), but you do need a better system for handling all of the items that move in and out of your hands each day. Below are 5 simple ways to create an organizational habit that will keep your belongings flowing easily or stored neatly away: 1. Create a better storage system for the things you want to keep. If you struggle to find things when you need them, your storage system needs work. Assign a place for everything you own, Simple Ways to Get and Stay Organized and group like items together. If you use storage bins or any type of container, be sure to label the outside so you know exactly what is in them. 2. Purge broken, unnecessary or unused items weekly. Devote an hour once a week to getting rid of items that are no longer needed and taking up valuable space in your home. You can either spend a few minutes in each area of your home, or rotate the areas weekly and spend the entire hour there. Donate items that are still usable, but ditch the rest. Be firm about what you really need to keep, and what you can let go of. 3. Process mail DAILY. Mail is one of those things that need daily attention so it doesn’t take over your life and home. Junk mail should be shredded or thrown away immediately so it doesn’t pile up. Nothing is more conducive to procrastination than seeing a big pile of stuff that needs to be shredded before you can toss it! If you shred these things right away, they don’t have a chance to take over. 4. Put things away right after you are done using them. Don’t set it aside and tell yourself you’ll do it later, because later never comes. Do it NOW. Multitask! If you are heading to the kitchen for a snack, be sure to pick up any stray dishes or trash as you go. Your weekly cleaning sessions get much easier and quicker when you’ve already done the hardest part of picking up. 5. Involve your family members in this activity too, so they know they need to pick up after themselves. Be prepared to keep reminding them until they develop a strong habit themselves. It may be challenging at the beginning, but eventually they will get the message. Like any habit, the more you commit to doing these activities, the easier you will find it to stay organized for good, one moment to a time. GB Terrible Tuesdays People are at their lowest on Tuesdays, according to a new study from the London School of Economics, where researchers monitored the moods of 22,000 people over a two-month period, using an iPhone App. It seems plausible that on Monday the weekend has not quite worn off. And by Tuesday we are well into the working week with the following weekend not yet in sight. 42. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com SUREFIRE STRATEGIES FOR SUCCESS OVER STRESS Sarah has been suffering a series of medical conditions, which her doctors have not been able to diagnose or treat effectively. On and off pain in her stomach, achiness in her neck and back and headaches have become a regular part of her life. Sarah fears that she may have cancer or another dreaded disease that has been missed by her doctors. After a series of negative tests, the doctors concluded that there is no disease present and that her symptoms are the result of stress. Stress can cause medical symptoms with no disease present. In fact, it is estimated my doctors that a large majority of the patients they see have real symptoms, but these symptoms are caused by stress alone, not by a disease. Everyone knows about relaxation, exercise and proper diet, but what other powerful strategies can Sarah use to continually master the stresses in her life? Understand the warning signs of your “Internal Critic.” Your self-talk will either keep you well or make you sick. Negative, pessimistic messages that you allow to pass through your mind immediately causes muscle tightening throughout the body. This tightening is accompanied by more rapid breathing and often high blood pressure. Practice catching yourself when you have negative thoughts and make a fist, which is a reminder to STOP thinking that way. Next, take a few, deep breaths, release the fist, relax, and immediately replace the negative thought with a positive one. There is an old saying that “What you believe, you can achieve.” Internal selftalk leads to beliefs (either positive or negative) and beliefs lead to the body’s reactions. So looking at stressful situations in a positive, optimistic way, calms the body and mind. Example: “My boss may be angry because of something else happening in his life today. I have no evidence that he is really angry at me.” Give yourself positive affirmations each day. Affirmations are positive, optimistic thoughts about your future as if you have already gotten there as of today. Your subconscious mind doesn’t know the difference between something real or imagined. For example, visualize yourself biting into a tart lemon and see what your mind tells your salivary glands to do! When you give yourself positive affirmations and imagine these things are actually happening right now, your subconscious mind wants to make them happen for you. Example: “I am calm and relaxed when my teenager tries to push my buttons. It is so wonderful to have control over my emotions.” Make a list of at least seven positive affirmations to say each morning upon rising and each evening when retiring. Say each one 10 times in the morning and 10 times in the evening, breathing slowly and imagine yourself accomplishing each affirmation as you recite it. Choose to make optimistic interpretations of events in your life. Research depicts the positive physical health consequences of finding a silver lining in every dark cloud that comes your way. When you view unfortunate, bothersome events in your life as temporary and not permanent indicators of you having a weakness or a flaw, you can continually ward off the stresses of events that take place in your life. In fact, maintaining an optimistic interpretation of events leads to the generation of T-cells, which are critical components of your immune systems! Example: “Just because I haven’t found the right partner in life so far does not discourage me. I am particular and that’s good. It’s only a matter of time until I find my soul mate.” The key here is choice. You always have the choice in how you will see a situation. 44. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com By Jack N. Singer, Ph.D Stress Busters Set realistic goals. When you set attainable, healthy goals and write them down, you will stay focused and have a high probability of accomplishing them. People are 11 times more likely to reach a goal when they write it down, as opposed to simply thinking about the goal. Put these goals into your computer to flash reminders to you on a regular basis. Visualize attaining these goals each night as you fall asleep and you will maximize your ability to achieve them! Write down short and long-term goals that are specific and action-oriented. Example: “I will have a pad of paper printed with the words, ‘Things to do Today’ across the top and lines with check off boxes on each page. This will help me stay focused on what I have to do each day and I will have a nice sense of accomplishment.” A key question to ask yourself is “What behaviors am I likely to engage in that would sabotage me from meeting my goals?” If you are honest with yourself, you’ll see exactly why you haven’t reached your goals before and you’ll realize what you need to do to change those behaviors today. Find positive, optimistic, supportive and non-judgmental people to get close to, who will encourage and reinforce you. What a breath of fresh air that will feel like! Find healthy ways to defuse frustration and anger. Schedule regular visits to a gym, take dancing lessons, get involved in church activities, volunteer, or scream to your heart’s content at a sporting event. All of these activities have been shown to melt away angry emotions. Search for opportunities for fun and laughter. We now know that a primary antidote for stress is fun, laughter and engaging your sense of humor. Laughter is a positive and powerful force in our emotions and our bodies. It strengthens our immune system, and releases endorphins, which in turns overrides our stress hormones, and creates a sense of calm within us. Sadly, the average youngster laughs more than 100 times a day, while the average adult laughs only about 15 times. Whether it is reading a joke book, watching a funny movie or sitcom, or using your creativity to lighten up your workplace, bringing fun into your life is important for your health. It’s been said that people don't stop laughing and having fun because they get old...they get old because they stop laughing and having fun! GB About the Author Jack Singer is a professional speaker, trainer and psychologist. Dr. Singer has been speaking for and training Fortune 1000 companies, associations, CEO’s and elite athletes for 34 years. He is a frequent guest on CNN, MSNBC, FOX Sports and countless radio talk shows across the U.S. and Canada. He is the author of The Teacher’s Ultimate Stress Mastery Guide, and several series of hypnotic audio programs, some specifically for athletes and some for anyone wanting to raise their self-confidence and esteem. To learn more about Dr. Singer’s speaking and consulting services, please visit www.drjacksinger.com or call (800) 497-9880. GB B O N K E R I S M A rich person is not one who has the most, but is one who needs the least. Stay close to positive people and positive influences. Unfortunately, many of you are married to, related to, or work for negative, pessimistic people. These are folks who have their own fears of change, do not take risks, and wallow in their own misery. These members of the "negativity club" want you to join them, because that helps them justify their own behavior and ideas. Become a "Teflon" person by letting the comments of these folks bounce off you. Assert yourself and politely tell them to keep their negative opinions about you or your ideas to themselves. 45. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com How to Get What You Want Out of the New Year Resolutions Goal Setting Skills for the New Year or Any Time By Elizabeth Scott, M.S. Every year, throngs of people – maybe even you – choose a list of resolutions for the next year. Generally, these are habits they will try to do every day, or habits they will try to avoid for as long as they can. Unfortunately, many of these resolutions are forgotten by March. A major reason for this is that it’s deceptively difficult to develop or deny ingrained habits “cold turkey.” but with the baby steps you may be taking toward your goal, you can still feel like you’ve accomplished something and are on the right track, which will, in turn, keep you moving in the right direction. Once you’ve broken a rigid resolution, however, it’s easier to feel like a failure and give up. While the effort to adopt resolution shows a wonderful sense of positive intent, a better alternative is to develop new goals for the future. Goals are a better plan than resolutions for a few key reasons: Resolutions are usually a means to a goal, but if you find a resolution too difficult to stick to, it’s usually dropped and forgotten. With goals, if you find a planned change too difficult to carry out, you can drop that plan, but pick a different new behavior to try that will still lead to the same end result, and not lose sight of the goal. For example, imagine you want to get in the habit of exercising to be in better shape. You might make a resolution to go to the gym five times a week. But if you find that you just hate the gym, you probably won’t stick to your resolution, and you’ll be no closer to your goal. However, if you make “getting more exercise” the goal, you may drop the gym, but switch to walking through your neighborhood each morning, and still meet your goal. Rigid vs. Fluid: Resolutions stay the same: “I will go to bed by 10pm.” “I will stop eating junk.” “I will go to the gym five times a week.” If these are somewhat big changes, it may feel like a huge change with no buildup. Goals, however, can be tackled in steps, beginning with baby steps and increasing in difficulty as you become more accustomed to the change. This makes goals more realistic for lasting change. Sense of Accomplishment vs. Sense of Failure: Goals give you a direction to aspire to, The Scope of the Change: Now that you know some of why resolutions often fail and goals are a more realistic route, here are some tips for setting goals you can get behind: Keep your future in mind: Think of what you would have in your ideal life, and where you’d like to be in two, five, or even ten years, and see if your goals bring you closer to that picture. If so, they’re good goals to stick with. If you can keep in your mind the image of where you would ultimately like your goals to take you, it’s easier to stick with them. Think in terms of broad changes rather than specific behaviors: For instance, resolving to “develop a stress management practice” gives more room for growth and change than “do yoga every morning.” While you’ll want to put your broad goals into specific behaviors, deciding to “develop a stress management practice” gives you room to experiment, and allows you to change course if you find that yoga isn’t working for you. Think in terms of what you’d like to add to your life, rather than what you’d like to take away: For example, instead of making the goal to “eat less unhealthy food” focus on trying to “eat more healthy food.” You may subconsciously feel more 46. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com deprived if you think of taking something away rather than adding something good, and if you replace unhealthy food in your diet with healthy food, the same goal is accomplished. Also, it’s usually easier to add a behavior than to stop a behavior. Bonkers EYE FOCUS DIRECTIONS: Focus. Find the 8 differences in details between pictures. Once you have your goals set, keep them in the forefront of your mind. Keep them listed in your day-planner, have them as part of your screen saver, or post them in prominent places around your house for a while. Reward yourself with something small for continuing to stick with it, until you make enough progress toward your goals that the progress becomes its own reward. And remember that change doesn’t come overnight, but as you work toward developing what is important to you, the change will come, and it will be lasting. Remember this, and enjoy building the life you were meant to live! About the Author Elizabeth Scott is a wellness coach, health educator, and awardwinning blogger with training in counseling, family therapy, and health psychology. Elizabeth works with individual clients as well as groups, and runs workshops on stress management, maintaining a high quality of life. Whatever Happens, Happens. 8-NO SMOKE OVER BBQ PIT 4-MAN SIDEBURNS ANSWERS: 5-GIRL’S SMILE 1-BIRD IS BIGGER 6-GIRL HAS HAMBURGER ON PLATE 2-BOY HAS A HAT ON 7-TWO FLOWERS 3-GIRL HAS DIFFERENT SHOES 47. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com IN PLANTER Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past . . .stop planning the future . . .stop trying to figure out precisely how we feel . . . and stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel. Sometimes we just have to go with "whatever happens, happens." The Joy of Difficult Family Members HOW TO DEAL WITH THEM AND WHAT YOU CAN LEARN FROM THEM By Jill Cook-Richards If your family is like most, it’s a breeding ground for jealously, fighting, moodiness, gossiping, nagging, and of course, an ample dose of nit-picking. We all want our home to be our sanctuary . . . a place where we can be ourselves and experience peace, happiness, and love. But sometimes, our loved ones behavior makes it nearly impossible. Even if the difficult family members live elsewhere, the ramifications of their words and actions can be felt miles away and can take years to get over. Difficult people are good for you, but they’re not necessarily good to you! Their purpose is to help you look at yourself and decide who you want to become. They bring out the best of you and the worst of you, and bring you into the light like know one else can. You’re going to change with time anyway; difficult people simply push you down your self-discovery journey a little faster. They help make you more aware of your own strengths and your faults. When you have a difficult person in your life, you often feel like you don’t have any power in the situation. However, with a little self-reflection, understanding, and decision-making, you can learn much from any difficult relationship. TRUST YOUR FEELINGS When you’re at work, you’re usually in a fact-based world where feelings have little merit. If someone hurts your feelings, the normal practice is to keep it to yourself and push through your work. But at home, feelings reign supreme. Home is where your emotions belong, where you need to trust your feelings and listen to what your heart tells you. If someone in your family hurts your feelings, listen to what your feelings tell you, and then caringly and gently approach the person in a non-confrontational way. For example, if a sibling nit-picks on things that you do, don’t be rude or criticize them back. Instead, put the focus on your feelings by saying, “I respect your opinion and I do care about you, and your input in my life, but is there a way we can both be different without the difference causing friction between us?” Involve the other party in the resolution process so that you can both take responsibility for the situation. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE RELATIONSHIP If you’re having a problem with someone, stop and look at your role in the relationship. Are you playing the “tit for tat,” “forgive but not forget,” “two wrongs can make a right” game? Are you bringing up 48. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com touchy subjects or doing things that you know will set the other person off? Relationships are a two-way street. It’s time to look at how you may be contributing to the difficult behavior. Be honest with yourself. Do you have some underlying feelings or resentment that you need to address? Relationships are often like a mirror. The difficult person is merely reflecting something you don’t like in yourself. Really listen to what the other person is saying and doing. Look deep. Why are their words or actions rubbing you the wrong way and hurting your feelings? Is this person reflecting something that you don’t like about yourself? COMMIT TO LEARN FROM EVERY RELATIONSHIP Every difficult person in your life is actually helping you learn something you can use for your future. For example, suppose you have a mother who constantly yells, screams, and throws tantrums when things don’t go her way. You certainly don’t like being around her when she does this, so you make a mental note that you’ll never act like that when you’re in a stressful situation. Later, when you find yourself in a stressful predicament, even if you do feel like yelling, you immediately think of the person you don’t want to become and you can calm yourself down. This is called Observational Learning. When someone is displaying a behavior you don’t like, you become more aware of what you want to do differently, and who you want to become as you progress through life. Learning by observing and then doing the opposite is very powerful. So rather than let the difficult people frustrate you, see them as teachers who are helping to shape into a better version of you. to remove – and yes, you can remove family members from your life when necessary. If you decide to put some emotional and/or physical distance between you and a family member, this doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. You can still care about someone deeply but choose not to interact with him or her. If it is good for you to remove yourself, it will be good for the other person too. If someone constantly attacks your selfesteem and promotes added stress in your life, you have to decide whether that stress is acceptable. If it’s not, and if the person shows no sign of caring or changing, it’s up to you to keep yourself safe. Not feeling safe emotionally and mentally can be harmful and in certain instances even become life threatening. Yes, others in your life may criticize you for this decision, but ultimately you have to take care of yourself and your emotional well-being first. It is called self-preservation. Difficult relationships are a part of life. The key is how you choose to deal with them. Either you can let the difficult person control your life and make you miserable, or you can take responsibility, work for a resolution, make the tough choices, and ultimately learn some lessons. As you think about the relationships in your life, remember that happiness is not always attainable, but peacefulness is. If you can’t have happy, then aim for peaceful. The more peace and tranquility you bring to yourself, the more peace you can offer to others. GB About the Author Jill Cook-Richards is a Life Coach and Counselor. She consults business executives, health care professionals and educators. She is a regular columnist for several magazines and has spoken at all types of companies, corporations, and associations such as Blue Cross, UPS, and the Mayo Clinic. She has also worked in television, radio, and the movie industry. She is the author of the upcoming book How to Heal Any Relationship from A to Z. To reach Jill call (904) 396-4060 or email JillCookRichards@yahoo.com. KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY It’s your responsibility to make the tough choice of who is going to be a part of your life and whom you’re going 49. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Wacky Wisdom + THE PENCIL The Pencil Maker took the pencil aside, just before putting him into the box. 4 A POUND OF BUTTER There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker. One day the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound and he found that he was not. This angered him and he confronted the farmer. The baker asked the farmer if he was using any measure. The farmer replied, I don't have a proper measure, but I do have a scale. As you know, I have been buying a pound of bread from you each day for a long time. When you bring my bread, I put it on the scale and give you the same weight in butter. + “There are 5 things you need to know before I send you out into the world," he told the pencil, “Always remember them and never forget, and you will become the best pencil you can be.” Positive Living One: You will be able to do many great things, but only if you allow yourself to be held in someone's hand. Two: You will experience a painful sharpening from time to time, but you'll need it to become a better pencil. Three: You will be able to correct any mistakes you might make. Moral: We get back in life what we give to others. Four: The most important part of you will always be what's inside. Moral: So it is with us. A MOUNTAIN STORY A son and his father were walking on the mountains. Suddenly, his son falls, hurts himself and screams: "Ahhh!!!" To his surprise, he hears the voice repeating, somewhere in the mountain: "Ahhh!!!" Curious, he yells: "Who are you?" He receives the answer: "Who are you?" And then he screams: "I admire you!" The voice answers: "I admire you!" Angered at the response, he screams: "Coward!" He receives the answer: "Coward!" He looks to his father and asks: "What's going on?" The father smiles and says: "My son, pay attention." + Five: On every surface, you must leave your mark, no matter the condition or situation. + THE ROSE WITHIN A man planted a rose and watered it faithfully. He saw the bud that would soon blossom, but noticed thorns upon the stem and he thought, "How can any beautiful flower come from a plant burdened with so many sharp thorns? Saddened by this thought, he neglected to water the rose, and just before it was ready to bloom... it died. Moral: Too often we look and see only the thorns – the defects. Strive to look past the thorns and see the rose within. Again the man screams: "You are a champion!" The voice answers: "You are a champion!" The boy is surprised, but does not understand. Then the father explains: "People call this ECHO, but really this is LIFE. It gives you back everything you say or do. Moral: Our life is simply a reflection of our actions. + BUILDING YOUR HOUSE An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer of his plans to leave the house building business to live a more leisurely life and enjoy his family. He would miss the paycheck each week, but he wanted to retire. They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. When the carpenter finished his work, his employer came to inspect the house. Then he handed the front-door key to the carpenter and said, "This is your house... my gift to you for years of service.” The carpenter was shocked! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done better work. Moral: The choices we make today build the “house” we live in tomorrow. Wacky Wisdom is a trademark of Going Bonkers Magazine. All rights reserved 2011 Femmerol® Menopause Relief Femmerol® works with your body to maintain physical and emotional balance gMulti symptom relief without pharmaceutical hormones. gSupports mood and energy. g100% pure & natural. gFemmerol is made from eleven herbal extracts. gClinically tested and proven effective. Start Feeling Better ~ Get Femmerol® Today! g71% Reported significant and dramatic relief from Hot Flashes g43% Reported significant and dramatic relief from Insomnia g31% Reported significant and dramatic relief from Vaginal Dryness Order Online & Save $15 Use Coupon Code GB1101 when placing your order. (Discount is a one-time purchase per customer) Or Call 1.800.846.0866 Visit our website for complete clinical results. www.SolutionsForWomen.com The Healing Power of Art HOW TO USE ART & BEAUTY TO MANAGE STRESS By Marcelo Holzinger We were each born with the potential for creativity: design, invent, paint, draw, sing, cook, color, write, sculpt, sand, weave, bake, tend a garden, or take a photograph. Many already embrace this potential for creativity, and recognize its tremendous power. There is a growing belief in the healing power of art, with major health care institutions across the country recognizing its power and acknowledging one simple fact: Art brings healing. Therapeutic effects can range from lowering stress levels, to faster recovery times, and even reduced need for pain medications. The process of creating relaxes, rejuvenates, and heals us. The connections between the mind, body, and spirit, and their link to our health is mysterious. What is certain, however, is that art affects our lives at a profound level. Everyone experiences stressful moments. When these happen, it can be difficult to know how to cope with them, and it’s easy to become so overwhelmed that we ‘shut down’ and lose sight of the beauty that is always around us. As an artist and designer, I have found that expressing myself through art helps me reduce my stress level, and also channels my energy in a very creative and productive way. By staying artistically connected, I’m constantly reminded to see the beauty around me, and this adds depth, energy and inspiration to my life every day. What I’ve realized along the way is that you don’t have to be a professional artist to gain the benefits – all you need is a willingness to try new forms of expression. Everything in life has energy at its source. This includes all of our feelings and reactions, including stress. When stress is present in our body, it’s like having the circuits of our nervous system ‘overloaded’ or having a ‘back-up’ of energy in our bodies. Art is a natural remedy when stress levels are high. When we allow our creative juices to flow, we release our bound up energy. 52. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com The simple act of recognizing, acknowledging and consciously connecting with the beauty around us can make us feel relaxed. Here is an exercise that will show you how beauty (even a thought) can help you reduce stress: Think of any stressful moment or situation. Notice how tense you feel and how your body responds. Now, take a deep breath, and visualize yourself walking on a beautiful beach, or playing with your pet, or contemplating the sunset, or smelling your favorite flower. Let your mind focus on that moment, and nothing else. Just breathe and see that beautiful moment in your mind. Smile as you do this. Focus again on that beautiful moment . . . keep smiling. Now, notice how you feel and how your body responds. Chances are, you feel more grounded and relaxed having done this. It can take some practice, but everyone has this ability to appreciate the beauty around them, and to use this as a means of reducing stress. And you can do this as many times you want throughout the day! Whether you use the energy of the creative process for relaxation, self-reflection, emotional release, personal healing or to reduce your stress . . . enjoy the beauty of the process. Happy creating! About the Author Marcelo Holzinger is a professional artist, designer and creative consultant who expresses himself though abstract painting, graphic arts and interior décor. He’s been the production designer for Going Bonkers Magazine since its inception, and he has also worked with various magazines and newspapers both nationally and internationally. He currently lives in Miami. His art has been featured in galleries, art exhibitions, and in national and international publications. Contact him at: www.MHolzinger.com or become his friend on Facebook. The Five Minute Mission Five Things You Can Do in the Next Five Minutes to Reach Your Full Potential What is it that you really, really want out of your life? You’ll likely achieve it if you’re working towards it with your full potential. Here are five things you can do in the next five minutes to get started: FRAME YOUR MIND. Tell yourself you can't do everything you want. But don't let this fact stop you. Maybe you can’t do everything, but believe that you can do anything. MAKE A QUICK LIST. List the ideas, dreams, goals. Maybe it’s a weekend project, maybe it’s a lifestyle change – whatever those things are, write them down on a quick list. It doesn't have to be pretty or complete, just get them down in ink. PICK ONE. One thing on the list will stand out to you. One will be calling your name. One will be exceptionally motivating. Pick it. DETERMINE A FIRST ACTION. Decide what the first thing is that you need to do to put this idea into action. This first step should be small. One task to get you started. It should be something you can do today, regardless of how busy your schedule is. If the step seems too big, break it down in even smaller steps. DO IT. Take the first step right now. KEEP IT GOING. After you have done these five things (you have now, right?) there are two more things to do, and these two can be done in a flash – far less than the five minutes you just invested. A. Decide your next step. B. Commit to completing the next step by a certain date. C. Repeat A and B until completion. These steps will change your life if you DO them. That is the point of this article after all. In the end, it isn't about knowledge, ideas or inspiration. It is about action. GB ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Kevin Eikenberry is the two-time best selling author of Vantagepoints On Learning And Life and Remarkable Leadership: Unleashing Your Leadership Potential One Skill at a Time. He has spent the last 15 years helping organizations all across North America reach their potential. He offers monthly teleseminars through a program called the Remarkable Leadership Learning System. Kevin can be reached at (317) 387-1424 or 888.LEARNER and through his website, www.kevineikenberry.com 53. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com 4-Day Attitude Diet By Dr. Alan Zimmerman HOW TO ACQUIRE A POSITIVE ATTITUDE Hold up your thumb and forefinger about 2-1/2 inches apart. It takes about 1/100th of a second for Olympians to run that distance in the 100-meter race. But that's the difference between winning and losing. In the women's 100-meter dash at the Barcelona Olympic Games, for example, the gold medal was won by an American who crossed the line only 21/2 inches in front of her closest opponent. The fifth place went to a Jamaican who finished a mere 6/100th of a second behind her. And yet that little bit of difference made all the difference in the world. The same goes for attitude. When you compare age, gender, upbringing, education, IQ, and just about any other factor you can think of, research says that attitude is the little bit of difference that makes all the difference in success in both your personal and professional lives. In fact, the research makes it clear that attitude is more important than any other element when it comes to ensuring success. So how do you build a positive attitude that ensures your success? Just follow this "4-Day Attitude Diet," focusing on a different skill each day. And repeat the cycle until you've built an invincible attitude. It works! Positive Attitude Diet Day 1 FILL your mind with positives Instead of living your life on autopilot, letting any and all thoughts come into your mind, consciously feed your mind positive input. Do this on the first day of every week, and do it throughout the day. Read inspirational books; listen to uplifting music, or call an upbeat person. And by all means, avoid the cynics and gripers. Keep a journal and write down every wonderful things that happen to you on Day 1. Include even small things.... like finding a quarter on the sidewalk.... or a stranger greeting you with a cheerful "good morning." Upon close evaluation, you'll see that most of the things that happen in your life are positive. Positive Attitude Diet Day 2 AFFIRM yourself To build a positive attitude you must remind yourself of past victories. Congratulate yourself on the good you have done and will do. And refuse to let any self-doubt enter your mind. Just tell yourself over and over, "I am filled with confidence, and I am competent." And when you make a mistake, learn the lesson in that mistake and laugh at yourself. In fact, people who can't laugh at themselves are not only more negative, but they're also more susceptible to cancer, stroke, and heart disease. So laugh... and affirm the fact you're learning, growing and increasing your health, all with one giggle. Of course you may have some doubts about yourself. But on day 2, literally, consciously feed yourself with positive affirmations. As boxing champ Sugar Ray Robinson said, "To be a champ, you have to believe in yourself when nobody else will." Positive Attitude Diet Day 3 THINK only good things about people Don't allow ill thoughts to enter your mind. Look for something you like in everyone you meet. One person might have a great smile, and another one might be extremely dedicated to his work. You can always find something you like. Of course, you may think this a rather Pollyannaish activity.... especially if you're working with some very difficult people. No problem. Simply see these people as giving you an opportunity to learn patience and practice assertiveness. That's something you can like. Positive Attitude Diet Day 4 SPEAK only positive words In order to build and maintain a positive attitude, you must speak hopeful about everything – your job, your spouse, your kids, your extended family (yes, even them!), your health, and your future. Go out of your way to talk optimistically about everything. You may have to talk yourself out of uttering negative words. If, for instance, 54. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com the man at the front of the company cafeteria line seems to be holding up everyone else, you'll be tempted to make a snide remark to the person next to you. Don't do it. Instead, say, "It's kind of nice not to rush every single minute of the day." When you have a positive attitude, you refuse to use a loser's language. If you talk like a loser, you'll end up losing. As George Schultz, the former U.S. Secretary of State said, "The minute you start talking about the possibility of losing, you’ve already lost." And, Now The Challenge: Start Building a Positive Attitude Today! Nothing . . . absolutely nothing . . . contributes more to your success than your attitude. The good news is you can have a powerful, positive attitude . . . if you start this 4-Day Attitude Diet today. It has worked for thousands – now it's your turn! GB Bonkeroids Bonk.er.oids \bonk’-e-roidz\ n. amazing, but useless facts acquired through Going Bonkers Magazine There are 122 pebbles per square inch on a Spalding basketball. Bugs Bunny was originally called "Happy Rabbit." Asparagus comes in three colors: green, white and purple. When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone back in 1876, only six phones were sold in the first month. India has a Bill of Rights for cows. A honey bee has four wings. Approximately two gallons of water are used to brush your teeth. Heinz Catsup leaving the bottle travels at 25 miles per hour. Sharks are immune to cancer. Americans eat approximately 20 pounds of pasta per person each year. Reindeer like to eat bananas. Cheddar cheese is the best selling cheese in the USA. Every second, 630 steel cans are recycled. In 1946, the New York Yankees became the first baseball team to travel by plane. Ed Cox from San Francisco invented the pot scrubbing S.O.S. pads in 1917. His wife came up with the name, which stands for "Save Our Saucepans." About the Author As a best-selling author and Hall of Fame professional speaker, Dr. Alan Zimmerman has taught more than one million people in 48 states and 22 countries how to keep a positive attitude on and off the job. In his book, PIVOT: How One Turn In Attitude Can Lead To Success, Dr. Zimmerman outlines the exact steps you must take to get the results you want in any situation. For more information visit www.drzimmerman.com. GB B O N K E R I S M Look at everything as though you were seeing it either for the first or last time. Then your time on earth will be filled with glory. 55. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Simplify, Simplify, Simplify TEN WAYS TO MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER By Maria Gracia Could you benefit from simplifying your life? There is a lot of talk these days about the benefits of simplicity, but why is simplicity beneficial? Clear Mental Noise. Although our brains are capable of many remarkable things, studies have shown that our performance and productivity plummets when we multi-task. By simplifying our thoughts to the single task at hand, we are able to boost our performance and focus on the important details with more clarity. Lower Stress. A nice byproduct of clearing out your mental noise is lower stress levels. Lessen Clutter. Clutter, that pile of mess that thrives on your desk, on your bed and everywhere else can be reduced or even eliminated by simplifying your needs. Do you really need to buy an extra pair of pants or the latest electronic gadget? More Money in Your Savings Account. Simplifying your needs and lessening the amount of clutter you accumulate will translate into more money into your savings account. This can also be a significant peace of mind when emergency strikes and you have to forgo income till things return to their normal state. Less Time Cleaning and Maintaining. When we have a lot of ‘stuff’ we tend to take a lot more time cleaning and maintaining. Do you have so much clothes that they tend to overflow from your closets and drawers? By simplifying and minimizing our needs we can effectively cut down on the time we require to clean and maintain which means more time for other things you enjoy doing. More Time for YOU. By simplifying your life commitments, you’ll be able to have more time for yourself. Do you want to learn a new instrument? A new language? Or to just relax and do nothing? You can do this and more with the extra time you gain from simplifying the things in life we tend to complicate. Here are the top 10 ways to organize and simplify your life. 1. LESS IS MORE. It's more important to have a few nice things that you truly enjoy, than to just have lots of stuff. Say goodbye to things that don't fit, are out of style or are unflattering. This goes for clothing, furniture, knick-knacks, and other possessions you're not happy with. 2.CONSOLIDATE CREDIT CARDS. Most stores take Visa, MasterCard and American Express. Pay off your other credit cards, and in the future use only one or two of these major credit cards. Or, if possible, pay cash for purchases. 3. DON'T BUY DRY CLEAN ONLY CLOTHES. There are plenty of nice, washable clothes available for both business and pleasure. You'll spend less time and money at the dry cleaners. The same goes for bedspreads, curtains, etc. 4. SCREEN YOUR CALLS. Let your answering machine take all your phone calls, and return calls on your time. 5. DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Don't allow trivial matters to aggravate you. If the milk spills, wipe it up and move on to more important things. 6. GET HELP. Don't try to do everything yourself. Split up household responsibilities among family members. Delegate to your staff. Outsource projects, repairs and so on. 7. DON'T TRY TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING. There's no need to store it in your memory. Write it down. 8. WATCH TV ON YOUR TERMS. If your favorite program isn't on at a convenient time, use your VCR and record it. Then, watch it when you want to – without all the commercials! 9. DON'T OVER SCHEDULE YOUR CHILDREN. Too many activities can cause a strain on your children, and you! 10. PLAN EACH DAY. Spend 10 minutes each night, planning for tomorrow. You'll be focused and ready to take on the world each morning! GB About the Author Maria Gracia, is the author of Finally Organized, Finally Free, which has been read by thousands of people all over the world. In addition, she has created a variety of other helpful organizing products that can be found in her Get Organized Now! Store at www.getorganizednow.com 56. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Gildin, Zelenitz & Shapiro, PC FAMILY & DIVORCE We Listen. We Care. We Can Help. W ith exemplary experience in Family Law, Divorce, Child Support, Paternity, Custody, Accidents, Real Estate, Evictions, Contractor Problems, Wills, Criminal Defense, Bankruptcy, Debt Relief and many other legal issues, our legal team offers you quality care. We pledge to maintain the highest standard of REAL ESTATE excellence in representing you. We invite you to call today and schedule your initial FREE consultation. CRIMINAL DEFENSE Quality, Strength & Affordable Representation Gildin, Zelenitz & Shapiro, PC BANKRUPTCY A General Litigation Law Firm Member of the New York State Bar Association Attorney Referrals Available in All 50 States 718-523-1111 138-44 Queens Boulevard, Briarwood, NY 11435 GENERAL LEGAL SERVICES Offices located throughout the greater NYC metro area for the convenience of our clients. 60 D S SEC ON 1 he Ask t rt Expe E L F A Winning Attitude he Ask t rt e p x E r nside t co e folmigh th You g a few of anagetryin g time mues to lowin techniq life and ment lify your ol over simp ore contr get mtime: your Ask the Expert by Dr. Janet Greenwood Sharing feelings Your attitude can make or break you. It's virtually indisputable that your attitude determines how far you'll go in life and a positive mental outlook can help you My wife, rightfully, gets frustrated when I cannot share my feelings with her. Frankly, if I knew my feelings I would be glad to share them. This probably sounds ridiculous, but is there any way for me to know my feelings so I can talk about them? My wife does this so easily, but it is as if someone is asking me to speak Greek. Any suggestions? Q: achieve optimal success. Having a positive mental attitude helps you cope with challenges. When you're put to the test, whether or not you have the A: Many people lack the vocabulary to distinguish and describe the subtle shades of emotions; you are not alone in this struggle. Men particularly, were often not encouraged as children to pay attention to feelings but rather were encouraged to “keep a stiff upper lip” or “don’t be a sissy” or “be a brave little soldier.” I have two suggestions for gaining an emotional vocabulary and for identifying your feelings. tools, skills, knowledge, or resources, your positive attitude will get you through tough times and help you come out on top. On the other hand, an attitude makes everything much harder. You can't win when you go into the contest prepared to lose! If you expect to do well, your attitude will create positive, winning thoughts that help you succeed. Going Bonkers Magazine. Copyright 2011 GB First, sit down with a pencil and paper and list as many feelings and words as you can. After you have completed your list, ask your wife to do the same. Combine the lists so you have a reference sheet. This can often be useful to look at from time to time and see what “feeling word” best fits for you at a particular time. Second, read the following feeling vignettes and fill in the “feeling word” that feels right for you. There is no right or wrong answer. Refer to your list of “feeling words” if it is helpful. You wake up in the night and hear a strange noise and feel… You discover your child has just shoplifted, you feel… You are talking with an employee, knowing you have to fire him and you feel... You get a letter from your father and feel… You watch your child in a talent show and feel… The car in front of you is going 35 in a 55 mile zone and there is no place to pass. You feel… Someone you love touches you and you feel… B O N K E R I S M ------------------------------------------- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Dr. Janet Greenwood is a licensed Marriage & Family therapist, specializing in relationship issues in her private practice for over 20 years. For more information about Janet's Couple's Programs or an immediate download of her E-book, "Rescue Your Marriage In 5 Hours: An Imago Guide For Couples In Crisis," please visit www.marriagehealers.com. 58. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com When the Brood is Rude TEACHING CIVILITY TO THE KIDS By Danita Johnson Hughes, Ph.D “Finally, she answered the phone!” Hank, a divorced father of one, calls his pre-teen daughter every morning and every evening. Rarely does he reach her on the first try. More often than not, he grows frustrated as he places two, three, and even four calls a night before he reaches her. “Hi Sweetheart” Hank softly coos when he hears his daughters sweet voice on the other end of the line. “I’ve gotta take a shower,” she curtly replies. He hears the familiar click of a phone being hung up. There was no, “I’m sorry Daddy, but I’m in a rush. Would it be alright if I call you later?” There was not even a civilized “bye.” Just the cold, harsh, rude click. Hanks heart sank. The family/home setting is an incubator for such incivility. And let’s face it; parents are the greatest influence for kids. Kids model our behavior, both good and bad, but especially the negative behavior. The pressures of daily life can take their toll on adults who are already working under a great deal of stress. Consequently tempers get frayed and patience and tolerance are buried under piles of household chores and homework waiting to be checked. It’s easy for a busy parent to throw courteous and polite practices out the window after a long day of work. But if your brood has a habit of being rude, then take a look in the mirror – they are modeling your behavior. American author and civil rights activist James Baldwin expressed it perfectly, “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” Finding Civil You can change your child’s rude behavior, when you change your own. And everyone will benefit in the process – especially the children. Encouraging civility at home promotes a low-stress environment, improved childhood self esteem and enhanced social skills. Children suffer because they see and model the worst of their parents’ behaviors. The impact of such destructive behavior can be more psychologically damaging to our kids than open forms of abuse. It’s a known fact that kids are keen observers. They watch your every move. They learn as much from your actions as they do your words. So, what you say must align with what you do. For example, if you have a habit of speaking negatively and with an edge of frustration to your ex-spouse, it’s a guarantee you’ll see similar behavior when your child is interacting with you, her other parent, or even her friends. But when you model dialogue that is based in kindness, patience and respect, especially during times of conflict, then your child will learn how to interact with others in the same way. As a parent and role model, you’ll need to spend time encouraging your children to be sensitive, caring and concerned about the needs and feelings of others. You can teach your children to value and support others by: Insisting that they be respectful of others at all times. Reminding them to treat others the way they want to be treated. Teaching them tolerance and acceptance of those who are different culturally or physically. Encouraging them to demonstrate common courtesy in their interactions by saying “please” and “thank you.” Getting them involved in community service at an early age. Encouraging them to seek common ground, even if it's to agree to disagree. Teaching them the importance of accepting responsibility for their actions and the consequences of those actions. It’s important to remember that your kids are watching you and learning how to treat others. Your words and actions must exemplify your commitment to civility. Every day, there are multiple opportunities to model civility for your children. Set an expectation of exercising civility in all your interactions by "walking the talk." Your kids will follow in your footsteps. GB About the Author Danita Johnson Hughes, Ph.D. is a healthcare industry executive, public speaker and author of the forthcoming Turnaround. Through her work she inspires people to dream big and understand the role of personal responsibility in personal and professional success. In her first book, Power From Within, Danita shares her “Power Principles for Success” that helped her overcome meager beginnings and achieve professional, community and personal success. For more information visit www.danitajohnsonhughes.com, or email her at danitahughes@edgewatersystems.org 59. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com The Going Bonkers Family! Better than a pill... Hotter than a stolen tamale... Healthier than a carrot... More helpful than a hotline... Going Bonkers Magazine The Self-help Magazine with a Sense of Humor Going Bonkers magazine is a self help magazine that is educational, entertaining and motivational. This humorous, delightfully eclectic magazine is packed with information and articles that will help you understand, manage and overcome stress in ALL areas of your life. DIGITAL Subscriptions 3 Year PDF $39.95 2 Year PDF $24.95 1Year PDF $15.95 Now available for Ipad, Iphone, E-Readers and other formats! Bonkers About BUSINESS Magazine The Business Magazine with a Sense of Humor The same Going Bonkers style and humor that you love - now comes designed especially for our readers with an interest in BUSINESS. Each issue is packed with articles and information that will help send you and your business soaring to success! This Business Edition is available only in electronic format. 2 years $34.95 1 year $19.95 Subscribe today at: www.GBonkers.com LEARNING, LAUGHING & STRESS-FREE LIVING Bonkers Bits the self-help newsletter Bonkers Bits The Self-help NEWSLETTER with a Sense of Humor Bonkers Bits is a web-based monthly newsletter -12 issues per year. Each issue is packed with short bits of information that will keep you laughing and learning all year long! This monthly newsletter is available only in electronic format. 2 years $24.95 1 year $19.95 with a sense of humor Subscribe today at: www.GBonkers.com I can be a role model Janet lost 60 lbs!† for my kids How I finally lost 60 lbs without pills or surgery Janet W. got a wake-up call when her son’s teacher asked him what she does and he answered: “Mommy is fat for a living.” Apparently, even though she works full time, that’s all he ever heard her talk about, she says. Before Janet weighed more than 200 pounds when she started eDiets Glycemic Impact Plan. Since then, she’s lost an incredible 60 pounds and 5 sizes! “eDiets changed more than just me; it’s changed everyone around me, my perception of myself and things that I can do,” Janet says. The main exercise she got before was walking to the refrigerator—now she goes running most days. The best part? Her son has a proud, new answer: “My mom’s a runner!” SAVE 25% OFF Any eDiets Plan!* Go to eDiets.com/bhg to learn more or call 1-800-313-3203 to order now! © 2010 eDiets.com, Inc. All rights reserved. *Restrictions apply. See Web site for details. Offer expires 2/28/2010. †Janet lost 60lbs in 43 months on the Glycemic Impact Plan. The generally expected weight loss for active eDiets PHPEHUVLVOEVZHHNIRUWKH¿UVWZHHNV3URPRWLRQDOGLVFRXQWVZHUHUHFHLYHG I AM Good Enough! How to Dump the Old Tapes and Increase your Self-Image By Virginia Bola, PsyD Every time something doesn't go quite right, which might be rather frequently for some of us, we start berating ourselves. We can be the perfect example of courtesy and forgiveness to those we care about, but turn and savage ourselves in the most brutal fashion. How many times have you told yourself: "I'm an absolute idiot! What was I thinking?" From those immediate negative selfassessments, we dive deeper, reinforced by old admonitions playing in our brain. We may be adults, our parents and teachers perhaps long deceased, but their deprecating, wounding, critical, even, at times, cruel or abusive, remarks play over and over as if we were still children, being scolded for "our own good." With the help of those judgmental tapes playing repetitively in the back of our minds, we easily move from annoyance at a simple mistake to a global view of our own ineptitude: "I always blow it... I can't do anything right... Why am I such a failure?" Why is it so much harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive those we love? Is it because we don't love ourselves as much? Is it because we expect more of ourselves? Or is it that we know ourselves too well, painfully aware of our dark secret places and our internal shortcomings? We are hard on ourselves because we have a deep, subconscious, lifelong belief that we don't quite measure up. The maggot gnawing away at our core is made up of a long string of events starting when we first became aware of the world and began to hear the word "No!" It continued through a childhood of making mistake after mistake, as we all do when learning new skills, and through adulthood as we are judged by our bosses, our spouses, and our customers. We may face, intermittently, the heavy emotional jolt of being laid off, the ultimate rejection of our self-worth. Psychologists have studied authoritychild interactions in both the home and in school. Remarkably, feedback to the child, in both environments, is more than 70% negative with the remainder either neutral or positive. Is it any wonder that we grow up to view ourselves as not quite good enough, mess-ups, or even total failures? We have internalized all of that destructive feedback and face the world with a pride and selfcomposure that we know is only a defensive façade, constantly in peril of crumbling away. How can we jettison this baggage of years? One strategy is to become aware of your own internal chatter. When something happens and you screw up, it is an independent event: you made a mistake as humans do. Try to separate that one event from anything that has happened in the past. One error can be quickly dealt with and resolved. Watch as your mind starts to link that event with every other mistake you have ever made, attempting to form a lifelong pattern of questionable judgments and poor decisions. Analyze what you are telling yourself and watch for the give-away absolutes: "I always . . . I never . . ." Absolutes are irrational and illogical; they reflect our thinking, not reality. Being aware of them bubbling in your mind gives you the opportunity to negate them: if you have ever, just once, been successful at something, no matter how small, then you cannot be, by definition, a "total" failure. Just one contrary event completely wipes out an "always" or a "never." Increase your consciousness of your mental processes by writing down your actions and your thoughts. Cognitive therapy uses similar (more structured) techniques to explore your mental processing so that you can understand what your own mind is doing in shaping your vision of the world and yourself. The realization that it is your mind, right now, which is defining your mood and your emotional distress, creates a won- 62. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com derful opportunity. If your psychological discomfort arises out of your thinking, not out of some long-standing immutable neurosis nor warped brain cells, then you know you have the power to change! This new perspective on the world is freeing and empowering. The old recurrent critical tapes can be pushed into the dead file where they belong. Your present, your future, your sense of self is yours to control because your thoughts can be consciously directed. It took years to get you to where you are now. Vow to spend the rest of your life nurturing those sprouting positive thoughts until they blossom and fill your entire brain. The old tapes will have no place left to lurk. GB About the Author Virginia Bola, PsyD is a licensed clinical psychologist who operated a vocational rehabilitation firm for more than 20 years. She studies the emotional effects of unemployment, aging, overweight, and social issues on the individual. Her first book, The Wolf at the Door: An Unemployment Survival Manual addressed the emotional aspects of unemployment, provided psychological support for the rigors of the job search, and incorporated proven techniques for obtaining successful work. Her book, Diet With An Attitude: A Weight Loss Workbook, approaches weight control through psychological strategies to permanently modify the body-food relationship. Visit her sites at www.DietWithAnAttitude.com www.UnemploymentBlues.com GB B O N K E R I S M Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about. 63. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com How to Keep a Resolution Understanding the Stages of Change By Kendra Cherry Anyone who has ever made and broken a New Year’s Resolution can appreciate the difficulty of behavior change. Making a lasting change in behavior is rarely a simple process, and usually involves a substantial commitment of time, effort, and emotion. Whether you want to lose weight, stop smoking, or accomplish another goal, there is no single solution that works for everyone. You may have to try several different techniques, often through a process of trial-and-error, in order to achieve your goal. It is during this period that many people become discouraged and give up on their behavior change goals. The key to maintaining your goals is to try new techniques and find ways to stay motivated. Psychologists have developed a number of ways to effectively help people change their behavior. Many of these techniques are used by therapists, physicians, and teachers. Researchers have also proposed theories to explain how change occurs. One of these theories, known as the ‘Stages of Change’ model, has been used to help people understand the change process. This model demonstrates that change often requires a gradual progression of small steps toward a larger goal. Understanding the stages of change, and ways to work through each stage, can help you achieve your goals. The Elements of Change In order to succeed, you need to understand the three most important elements in changing a behavior: Readiness to change - Do you have the resources and knowledge to successfully make a lasting change? Barriers to change - Is there anything preventing you from changing? Expect relapse - What might trigger a return to a former behavior? One of the best-known approaches to change is known as the “Stages of Change” model, and has been found to be an effective aid in understanding how people go through a change in behavior. In this model, change occurs gradually and relapses are an inevitable part of the process of making a lifelong change. People are often unwilling or resistant to change during the early stages, but eventually develop a proactive and committed approach to changing a behavior. Read more about each step of the stages of change model by following the links below. Stage 1 – Precontemplation Characteristics of Precontemplation •Denial. Helpful Strategies •Encourage the individual to rethink their behavior. •Ignorance of the problem. •Encourage self-analysis and introspection. •Explain the risks of the current behavior. The earliest stage of change is known as precontemplation. During the precontemplation stage, people are not considering a change. People in this stage are often described as “in denial” due to claims that their behavior is not a problem. If you are in this stage, you may feel resigned to your current state or believe that you have no control over your behavior. In some cases, people in this stage do not understand that their behavior is damaging or are under-informed about the consequences of their actions. 64. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com If you are in this stage, begin by asking yourself some questions. Have you ever tried to change this behavior in the past? How do you recognize that you have a problem? What would have to happen for you to consider your behavior a problem? Stage 2 – Contemplation Characteristics of Contemplation If you are in the preparation stage, there are some steps you can take to improve your chances of successfully making a lasting life change. Gather as much information as you can about ways to change your behavior. Prepare a list of motivating statements and write down your goals. Find outside resources such as support groups, counselors, or friends who can offer advice and encouragement. Helpful Strategies •Ambivalence. •Weigh the pros and •Conflicted emotions. the cons of changing a behavior. •Confirm readiness to change and encourage confidence in your abilities. Stage 4 – Action Characteristics of Action •Taking direct action •Reward your successes. toward achieving a goal. •Seek out social support. •Make a list of motivating •Identify barriers to change. During this stage, people become more and more aware of the potential benefits of making a change, but the costs tend to stand out even more. This conflict creates a strong sense of ambivalence about changing. Because of this uncertainty, the contemplation stage of change can last months or even years. In fact, many people never make it past the contemplation phase. During this stage, you may view change as a process of giving something up rather than a means of gaining emotional, mental, or physical benefits. If you are contemplating a behavior change, there are some important questions to ask yourself: Why do you want to change? Is there anything preventing you from changing? What are some things that could help you make this change? Stage 3 – Preparation Characteristics of Preparation •Experimenting with Helpful Strategies statements. During the fourth stage of change, people begin taking direct action in order to accomplish their goals. Oftentimes, resolutions fail because the previous steps have not been given enough thought or time. For example, many people make a New Year’s Resolution to lose weight and immediately start a new exercise regimen, begin eating a healthier diet, and cut back on snacks. These definitive steps are vital to success, but these efforts are often abandoned in a matter of weeks because the previous steps have been overlooked. If you are currently taking action towards achieving a goal, congratulate and reward yourself for any positive steps you take. Reinforcement and support are extremely important in helping maintain positive steps toward change. Take the time to periodically review your motivations, resources, and progress in order to refresh your commitment and belief in your abilities. Stage 5 – Maintenance •Write down your goals. small changes. •Collecting information about change. •Prepare a plan of action. •Make a list of motivating statements. During this stage, you might begin making small changes to prepare for a larger life change. For example, if losing weight is your goal, you might switch to lower-fat foods. If your goal is to quit smoking, you might switch brands or smoke less each day. You might also take some sort of direct action such as consulting a therapist, joining a health club, or reading selfhelp books. Helpful Strategies Characteristics of Maintenance Helpful Strategies •Maintaining a new •Develop coping strate- behavior. gies to deal with temptation. •Avoiding temptation. •Remember to reward yourself for success. The maintenance phase of the Stages of Change Model 65. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com continued next page How to Keep a Resolution - continued involves successfully avoiding former behaviors and keeping up new behaviors. During this stage, people become more assured that they will be able to continue their change. If you are trying to maintain a new behavior, look for ways to avoid temptation. Try replacing old habits with more positive actions. Reward yourself when you are able to successfully avoid a relapse. If you do lapse, don’t be too hard on yourself or give up. Instead, remind yourself that it was just a minor setback. As you will learn in the next stage, relapses are common and are a part of the process of making a lifelong change. Stage 6 – Relapse Characteristics of Relapse Helpful Strategies •Feelings of disap- •Identify triggers lead to pointment, failure, and frustration. relapse. •Recognize barriers to success and take steps to overcome these obstacles. •Reaffirm your goals and commitment to change. In any behavior change, relapses are a common occurrence. When you go through a relapse, you might experience feelings of failure, disappointment, and frustration. The key to success is to not let these setbacks undermine your self-confidence. If you lapse back to an old behavior, take a hard look at why it happened. What triggered the relapse? What can you do to avoid these triggers in the future? While relapses can be difficult, the best solution is to start again with the preparation, action, or maintenance stages of behavior change. You might want to reassess your resources and techniques. Reaffirm your motivation, plan of action, and commitment to your goals. Also, make plans for how you will deal with any future temptations. Resolutions fail when the proper preparation and actions are not taken. By approaching a goal with an understanding of how to best prepare, act, and maintain a new behavior, you will be more likely to succeed. GB About the Author Kendra Cherry is a writer specializing in psychology, child development and education. She holds a Bachelor of Science in Psychology from Idaho State University, and a Master of Science in Education from Boise State University. Her primary research interest is in educational psychology. Love What You Do Even If You Don't In my local supermarket there's a guy who works as a cashier. He's very different from all the other employees – he has fun! He connects with every customer he encounters. He comments on the things they buy. He jokes with them. He asks how people are doing and genuinely cares. He's sensitive to people's moods. If someone is projecting 'leave me alone', he'll do just that. The line leading to his register is always the longest. People WANT to be serviced by this guy. They want it so much, they'll stand in a longer line for it. Even if you don’t love your job, try to find one aspect of it that is enjoyable, and make the best of it. Look for a way to excel at it while having FUN! Submitted by www.thepersonaldevelopmentguy.com Is Bargain Shopping As Good As Sex? We all know how thrilling it feels to snag a bargain. Your pulse starts racing, your breathing gets heavy, your toes curl . . . The feeling is positively naughty. And according to new research from London's University of Westminster, that's because it is. Scientists have found that bagging a good deal turns the brain on the same way that sex does, which explains why you tend to buy items if they're on sale or discounted. 66. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com TOUGH CONVERSATIONS HOW TO SAY WHAT NEEDS TO BE SAID, WHEN NO ONE WANTS TO SAY IT By JoAn Majors “We need to talk.” This type of requests gives you chills, a pit in your stomach, sweats, and diarrhea, even nausea. And often the one hearing the news is not the only one feeling the discomfort! Unfortunately, an announcement like “we need to talk” is the way most people have learned to handle a concern; take care of business, lay down the law, or deliver a tough conversation. What is it about a request like this that makes everyone involved just dread the moment? How can a simple request evoke such emotion? Below are guidelines which will allow even the most timid at heart, as well as the brutally honest, a way to offer unpleasant information with integrity and empathy, while increasing the odds that the recipient will be more willing to hear it. Put Your Best Foot Forward When it comes to delivering tough conversations, starting with the right question and the right attitude can change everything about the encounter and the outcome. It doesn’t matter if the conversation is between friends, with family, or at work. The ability to start with a question allows the other party to listen and participate at their rate of speed, not yours. You must be willing to wait for the answer. This allows the other party to actually choose to engage in the conversation. Ask Permission When you have an issue with another person and need the individual to listen and participate in the actions that follow, then you must engage them in the process. For example, you might say, “Susan, you are one of my dearest friends and such a thoughtful person. I care about what happens to you and your family. Do I have permission to coach you in handling this issue with your son?” Asking permission is respectful, and she will most likely say yes. Asking is less brutal then offering unsolicited advice, and yet it still gives you the freedom to the issue at hand. More importantly, she is now involved by saying yes. This simple question allows it to become a symbiotic relationship of problem solving instead of a reprimand or a judgment. Ask Permission to be Honest In a situation where you have a subordinate who wants to confront an issue with someone in management, it works similarly but the words would be different. Timing is important in these conversations and you would never want to make someone else look bad or foolish, this won’t serve you well, so be discrete. Step into their office or schedule a time to discuss. Susan might say to the administrator at the school, “John, Do I have permission to be honest with you?” John will respond positively. Besides, who would say, “No, I want you to lie to me!” Often people will seem puzzled that you ask. Don’t fill in the silence; wait for their response. However uncomfortable this might seem it will create the results you want by allowing both parties to listen differently. ent hears “we” have the problem and it is “little.” However, if you say, “Mrs. Jones there is a problem with Johnny’s behavior; I am concerned and you should be too.” This statement allows the parent to hear the concern. These types of conversations should only be shared after asking permission to be honest. Assume Innocence Don’t use accusatory language. When having tough conversations don’t assume you know everything about the individual or the behavior that is being displayed. When you ask for permission to coach or to be honest, presume that the other party has no idea there is an issue or problem – assume innocence. In the teacher/parent scenario above, assume the parent knows nothing of Johnny’s behavior, and assume that Johnny is good. Assuming innocence is much more productive to everyone involved. Assuming innocence opens the conversation to honest discussion with a spirit of working on the same team. These techniques will cut down on the defensive mechanism we all have when we know bad news is coming! Focus on the fix not the flaw; this can help you encourage others to greatness! GB Leave Out the Limiting Terms About the Author When speaking to someone about their, or their children’s, habits or behaviors, it is of utmost importance to leave out the limiting terms. For instance, if you are going to discuss an area that is sensitive, it’s normal nature to want people to like us, so we’ll often use words like, we, little, sort of, kind of and other words that lessen the impact of our message. Let’s take a teacher to parent scenario. You’re the teacher and you say to the parent, “Mrs. Jones, we have a little problem with Johnny.” The par- JoAn Majors is a member of the National Speakers Association and the Global Speakers Network. As a professional speaker and published author, her systems deliver results and encouragement to the workplace and home. For more on her seminars and her latest book, Encouragementors: 16 Attitude Steps for Building Your Business, Family & Future, please visit http://joanmajors.com 67. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com LifeFunny! is Stories so funny – they must be true! While I was shopping in a pharmacy, a couple of teenagers came in. They were dressed in leather, chains, and safety pins. The boy had blue and purple spiked hair and the girl's hair was bright yellow. Suddenly the boy picked up a pair of sunglasses and tried them on. "What do you think?" he asked his girlfriend. "Take them off!" she howled. "They make you look ridiculous." The minute I walked into the post office, my friend who was standing in line noticed the new earrings my husband had given me. "Those must be real diamonds," she said. "Yes," I said. "How could you tell?" "Because," she said, "no one buys fake diamonds that small." Watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said. "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she answered. "This is a private conversation.” I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. When a woman in my office recently became engaged, a colleague offered her some advice. "The first ten years are the hardest," she said. "How long have you been married?" I asked. "Ten years," she replied. On the way back from a fishing trip my grandson asked my son the question. "Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?" he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed for a while, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. "You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer." Thank You for “Caring to Share” The Greatest Compliment You Can Give Us is to Refer a Friend When you share your Going Bonkers magazine with your friends and family, it’s the best compliment you can give us. If you haven’t already recommended someone to us, we hope you will today! Your loved ones will thank you, and so will we. As a thank you, we will add three FREE issues to your current DIGITAL subscription for each new subscriber referred by you! GET Your FREE ISSUES When you Refer a Friend Call Us Today! IMPORTANT: Please make sure your referral mentions YOUR name, e-mail address and phone number, so that we are able to extend your subscription in our database. We’ll contact you to let you know that your subscription has been extended. We’ll be happy to assist you with any questions 281-492-1605 www.GBonkers.com “This Year I’ll Exercise” How to Really Keep Your Fitness Resolutions By Lynn Bode The New Year is settling in. Do you have a New Year's Resolution? Well, if you're like most Americans (88 percent according to a GNC poll), you have at least one resolution. And, if you are like the majority of promise-makers, your resolution is probably related to health and fitness. With all the hype surrounding these promises, it's easy to get caught up in it without really taking them seriously. We live in a throw-away society and even our resolutions are not immune. However, especially for promises that include improving our health, it's in our best interest not to take them lightly. So, what's the secret to successful resolutions? While you can't wave a magic wand and make your resolution come true, there are some easy steps to take that will make it easier to fulfill your promises to yourself. Choose an obtainable goal. Resolving to look like a super model is not realistic for the majority of us, but promising to include daily physical activity in our lives is very possible. Avoid choosing a resolution that you've been unsuccessful at achieving year after year. This will only set you up for failure, frustration and disappoint- ment. If you are still tempted to make a promise that you've made before, then try altering it. For example, instead of stating that you are going to lose 30 pounds, try promising to eat healthier and increase your weekly exercise. bumps along the resolution road and be prepared with specific ways to overcome them. What will keep you from skipping your workout or stop you from having a cigarette? This may mean seeking help from family or a professional, writing in a journal, etc. Create a game plan. Write a comprehensive plan. All successful businesses start with a business plan that describes their mission and specifics on how they will achieve it. Write your own personal plan and you'll be more likely to succeed as well. Break it down and make it less intimidating. Rather than one BIG end goal, dissect it into smaller pieces. Set several smaller goals to achieve throughout the year that will help you to reach the ultimate goal. Then, even if you aren't able to reach your final goal, you will have many smaller, but still significant, achievements along the way. For example, if your goal is to complete a 10K race, your smaller goals could be running a 5K in less than 30 minutes, adding upper and lower body strength training to increase your muscular endurance, and running 2 miles with a personal best completion time. Make contingency options. Don't assume sticking to your plan will be smooth sailing. Plan on hitting Give it time. Most experts agree that it takes about 21 days to create a habit and six months for it to actually become a part of your daily life. Reward yourself with each milestone. If you've stuck with your resolution for 2 months, treat yourself to something special. But, be careful of your reward type. If you've lost 5 pounds, don't give yourself a piece of cake as an award. Instead, treat yourself to something non-food related, like a professional massage. Ask friends and family members to help you so you have someone to be accountable to. Just be sure to set limits so that this doesn't backfire and become more irritating than helpful. For example, if you resolve to be more positive ask them to gently remind you when you start talking negatively. Don't go it alone! Get professional assistance. Everyone needs help and sometimes a friend just 70. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com Limit your number of promises. You'll spread yourself too thin trying to make multiple changes in your life. This will just lead to failure of all of the resolutions. Test your flexibility. Realize that things change frequently. Your goals and needs may be very different in April then they were when you made your resolution in January. Embrace change, even if that means that your resolution is altered. Keep a journal. A journal helps you recognize your positive steps and makes it harder to go back to the same old habits. Start today! In just a few short months, you’ll be well on your way to good health. GB About the Author Lynn Bode is a certified personal trainer specializing in Internetbased fitness programs. She founded Workouts For You, which provides affordable online exercise programs that are custom designed for each individual. Visit www.workoutsforyou.com for a free sample workout. Fitness professionals take your business online, visit www.trainerforce.com GB B O N K E R I S M People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten. 60 S SEC ON D isn't enough. Sometimes you need the help of a trained professional. Don't feel that seeking help is a way of copping out. Especially when it comes to fitness, research studies have shown that assistance from fitness professional greatly improves people's success rate. How to Change Your Future E L F For every effect in our lives, there's a specific cause. Through positive thoughts, we can control these causes and change effects or outcomes. How can we change our outcomes? In order to change your future for the better, you must first alter your thoughts in the present. For every positive seed you plant, your thoughts will grow and reward you with a positive harvest. Negative seeds have the opposite effect. They'll grow, but result in a spoiled and fruitless crop. You can't plant negative seeds in your mind and expect positive results. It just doesn't work that way. A vivid and defining difference between people who are successful and those who aren't is the way they think. Successful people visualize their goals and take action to make them happen. Unsuccessful people dwell on the negative, spend their time and energy complaining, and worry about things that are unimportant. This negativity wastes time and energy that could be harnessed toward achieving your goals. Going Bonkers Magazine. Copyright 2011 Surprise! Why Women Apologize More Often Than Men Whether it's bumping into someone when getting on the train to stopping an argument with a significant other, it seems that women are always the first ones to say "I'm sorry." While some of us are just being knee-jerk polite, two new studies actually suggest that we're more likely to apologize in most situations than men – only not for the reasons you might think. A study that monitored the conversations of 66 male and female subjects over the course of a 12-day period found that women said "sorry" significantly more often than men. A second study asked male and female participants to rate three social offenses on a seven-point scale, and those researchers found that women consistently rated all three social offenses as more offensive than the men did. In other words, next time he tells you, "But I didn't do anything wrong," you might want to consider that he really does believe that. 71. Subscribe at www.GBonkers.com ~ Send us your feedback! Editor@GBonkers.com W E N g Goin azine ag ers M Bonk ! t i F t e dition ial E Spec G t’s Le ial ing to br you pec s s i h t SS E N FIT & n! T o i t E i I D Ed l a i c rmae o f p n i S ith a ed w roud ep We’r you pack w s i o h e s issu t will eight a w h This t r u s at yo nd tip g a n i n k rning o a tio o e l l f s o way eside B y . new ing b enge l o l g a t h e c ur di loss o y learn t e o g s l a to t ou’ll how y , ls tha g a n u i t t i t se diet r e goal h t d ou to en ow y h w ; o k h stuc ight u e o w y r u keep ng yo i s gativ u e n e t b may gains a d l e f sug hi o s r e a as pow e h t your w n o i h k ; r o ity an w c n ore! o m h c gesti mu and ; r o fav t! u o ide s e in h t om y a w t es he b T Th a tion i al Ed i c e p ss S itne F et & i D s i rt a t s to fr s i t die only e l b a il ic fo in e on lectr w! o N py o C r m u o o c . Y s r r Orde GBonke . w w w a is av F) (PD rmat THE GIFT OF LEARNING AND LAUGHTER! Going Bonkers makes the Perfect Gift! Is Someone You Know... Overstressed? Overwhelmed? Or they just need a good laugh? Gift Send a subscription to: Your mother, your father, your wife, your husband, your daugther, your son, your sister, your brother, your boss, your co-workers and all your friends! Going Bonkers is perfect for them – and perfect for your gift budget. Going Bonkers magazine makes the ideal gift for everyone. By ordering early, you'll get your holiday shopping done! They’ll learn, they’ll laugh, they’ll absolutely love it! GIFT FROM: NAME (PLEASE PRINT) BILLING ADDRESS: ADDRESS / APT. CITY / STATE / ZIP PHONE BILL TO: E-MAIL Visa Mastercard American Express CREDIT CARD NUMBER Discover Check or Money Order enclosed EXPIRATION DATE 3 SECURITY DIGITS ON BACK OF CARD OR FOR AMERICAN EXPRESS, 4 DIGITS ON FRONT PLEASE NOTE: Foreign addresses may only pay with Visa or Mastercard. (No American Express or Discover), Sorry. WRITE RECIPIENT INFORMATION ON BACK Send me a subscription also Renew my subscription DIGITAL Subscriptions DIGITAL SUPER SPECIAL! 3 Year PDF $39.95 2 Year PDF $24.95 1 Year PDF $15.95 4 Year PDF $39.95 Includes: 4 years of DIGITAL version of Going Bonkers Magazine + 4 years of DIGITAL Going Bonkers Business Edition + 4 years of Bonkers Bits (our monthly digital newsletter) 4 YEARS A gift card will be sent with your gift subscription 4 Year DIGITAL SUPER SPECIAL $39.95 NAME 3 Year PDF $39.95 2 Year PDF $24.95 1 Year PDF $15.95 2 Year PDF $24.95 1 Year PDF $15.95 2 Year PDF $24.95 1 Year PDF $15.95 2 Year PDF $24.95 1 Year PDF $15.95 (PLEASE PRINT) ADDRESS / APT. CITY / STATE / ZIP E-MAIL PHONE WRITE YOUR MESSAGE FOR THE GIFT CARD: 4 Year DIGITAL SUPER SPECIAL $39.95 NAME 3 Year PDF $39.95 (PLEASE PRINT) ADDRESS / APT. CITY / STATE / ZIP E-MAIL PHONE WRITE YOUR MESSAGE FOR THE GIFT CARD: 4 Year DIGITAL SUPER SPECIAL $39.95 NAME 3 Year PDF $39.95 (PLEASE PRINT) ADDRESS / APT. CITY / STATE / ZIP E-MAIL PHONE WRITE YOUR MESSAGE FOR THE GIFT CARD: 4 Year DIGITAL SUPER SPECIAL $39.95 NAME 3 Year PDF $39.95 (PLEASE PRINT) ADDRESS / APT. CITY / STATE / ZIP E-MAIL PHONE WRITE YOUR MESSAGE FOR THE GIFT CARD: By Fax: 281-754-4458 By Mail: P.O.Box 6190 Katy, Texas 77491 4 Ways to Order! By Phone: 281-492-1605 By Web: www.gbonkers.com THE GIFT OF LEARNING AND LAUGHTER! Send a Gift Subscription to: Independent Living Aids Introduces... THE LINEAR Blue SLC and other fine products for the hearing impaired Think of all you miss when you don’t hear well...key words in an important conversation, beautiful chords in a memorable song, and the most wonderful sound of all...the laughter of small children. Understanding that this may be more than frustrating, let ILA help you hear what you have been missing. Clearly hearing the sound-beats around us elevates the heart-beats within us. ILA helps ensure you amplify your life and bring in the world by offering sound amplifiers for every environment. Whether it’s a telephone call from an old friend, your granddaughter’s school recital, or key moments from your favorite TV shows, you want to hear it all. With sound amplifiers and assistive listening devices from ILA...you can! Amplify Your Life...Bring In The World HEARING PRODUCTS FOR YOUR ACTIVE INDEPENDENT LIFE www.independentliving.com · 1.800.537.2118 JOIN US TO SUPPORT CARE’S WORK TO HELP EMPOWER WOMEN WORLDWIDE. Primavera Collection www.robertocoin.com 800-853-5958
© Copyright 2024