1. style and fashion
2. fashion designers

Refrigerators vs. Checkers:
How to Write a Solid Essay
By Drew & Josh
E-mail us:
ncaahoops@aol.com
joshneedelman@yahoo.com
Chapter 1
How an Evil Dynasty was
Overthrown
Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang Wang knew it was
time. Before the ship docked, he jumped off, and
swam to the shore and joyously rejoiced joyfully. The
refugee had made a successful trip from North Korea,
where had prospered as the country's only professional snake ass wiper. Immediately, Lou the camera guy
walked up to Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang Wang and
asked him if he wanted his picture taken, but ChingXiao Zo Ping Wang Wang politely refused. He knew
he must immediately find a job, and he figured that
professional snake ass wipers would be in high
demand in New York City. He tried to ask the Statue
of Liberty where he could grab a bite to eat, but the
statue rudely did not respond. Ching-Xiao Zo Ping
Wang Wang went and slept in the zoo that night with
the baboons. The next morning, he went downtown
for a job interview, and he first stepped into...
a large pile of snake feces. Now, Ching-Xiao
Zo Ping Wang Wang thought that was good luck. I
mean after all, it seemed like a good omen. So, at this
point, Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang Wang got confi-
dent— perhaps even a little cocky. He thought, "Hey,
the gods wouldn't put that snake shit on the sidewalk
for me to step on if they didn't want me to get the
job." In fact, not only did he think that, but he actually said it out loud, prompting a seven-fingered homeless man curled up in a ball on the street corner to
proclaim that "Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang Wang,
you're one crazy bastard. That wasn't an act of the
gods. You just stepped in a large pile of crap. That's it.
Get your head out of your ass." It was interesting that
the homeless man knew Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang
Wang's name, because Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang
Wang didn't think he knew anyone in America. The
homeless man also must have been blind, because
Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang Wang didn't actually have
his head up his ass. However, we have no confirmation on this theory. It is also quite interesting that the
homeless man could recognize Ching-Xiao Zo Ping
Wang Wang without having seen him, if he is in fact
blind. He must be good with recognizing voices.
However, to this day, opponents of the "homeless man
is blind" theory will protest that the homeless man
could not have recognized Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang
Wang if he was in fact blind. With that being said,
Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang Wang was lucky to find a
building with a job opening that looked as though it
might suit him. There was a sign on the door that proclaimed, “WANTED!!! PROFESSIONAL SNAKE
ASS WIPER!!!” Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang Wang
couldn't believe his luck. He had to walk in and
inquire about this job. So, Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang
Wang entered the building and immediately spoke to
the secretary about the job opening. She responded
that she was sorry, but "Mr. Clownpenis isn't in right
now. He is currently...
renting albino zebras and letting them loose in
the basements of any homes that might be contaminated with lion eggs. However, may I take your name
and phone number? I will have Mr. Clownpenis call
you as soon as he gets back.” How wonderful,
thought Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang Wang! “My name
is Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang Wang, and I don’t have
a home phone number.” The secretary fell out of her
chair and had a heart attack. Evidently she had
laughed so hard because Wang Wang had no phone
number that her heart gave up. Ching-Xiao Zo Ping
Wang Wang, wishing to hide evidence, thought quick-
ly. Obviously, she had laughed very hard, finding it
difficult to believe that the information he had given
her was correct. So, using his North Korean wits,
Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang Wang crawled around the
decaying corpse and wrote his name on the appropriate “WANTED!!! PROFESSIONAL SNAKE ASS
WIPER FORM.” But, Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang
Wang, being the clever guy that he was, wrote down
the random name “Jeffrey Dahmer.” Ha! They would
never suspect him of murdering the secretary now!
No, they would undoubtedly go after Ching-Xiao Zo
Ping Wang Wang and not some random guy named
“Jeffrey Dahmer.” Plus, Mr. Clownpenis could still
contact him about the job now! So, Ching-Xiao Zo
Ping Wang Wang decided that he would assume this
new identity for the remainder of his life. He also
wrote a phone number down: (QQQ) QQQ-ZZZZ.
Just as the cops pulled up to the building, “Jeffrey
Dahmer,” as we will now call him, was whistling to
himself along the streets if New York. He had been in
the United States less than 24 hours, and he already
gotten away with murder. Hahaha, he thought to himself. As he was walking along, Lou the camera guy
showed up again out of nowhere, and asked him out
to lunch. Jeffrey agreed, and they decided to go to...
"Cannibal Jorge's House of Hunan." Lou
ordered sushi with coffee without cream. The waitress
unfortunately had to break the news to Lou that they
didn't have cream at "Cannibal Jorge's House of
Hunan," so he would have to order his coffee without
milk instead. Lou reluctantly accepted his misfortune.
Jeffrey was in the mood for food from his native
North Korea, so he ordered two hard tacos and a
jumbo chicken burrito, and he wished to wash it down
with an orange fruit punch flavored mango strawberry
citrus fruit juice. Jeffrey really enjoyed his meal,
except for the tacos, the burrito, and the orange fruit
punch flavored mango strawberry citrus fruit juice. As
Jeffrey finished his last bite of cheesy baked ziti, a
thought occurred to him. The secretary had said Mr.
Clownpenis was "renting albino zebras and letting
them loose in the basements of any homes that might
be contaminated with lion eggs." Jeffrey found this to
smell kind of fishy; however, upon further examination, the situation didn't so much have a fishy smell as
did Lou's sushi. Nonetheless, to Jeffrey, this just didn't
sound quite right. Everyone knows that you don't let
albino zebras loose in the basements of homes that
might be contaminated with lion eggs. I mean, that's
just foolish. Lion eggs are good luck. Everyone
knows that. In a home that may contain lion eggs, one
should let loose a score of hyperactive schizophrenic
ducks. Even a neophyte in that field would know that.
Jeffrey found this to be a bit odd. He sensed a scam!
Not only that, but he also sensed that his burrito
began to hit him, and he had to go to the can. One
may find it interesting that although he is a professional when it comes to wiping snake asses, he is only
an amateur at wiping his own ass. Anyway, Jeffrey
realized that he wanted to get to the bottom of this
whole Clownpenis scandal. To do this, he decided to
head to...
North Korea again, because Jeffrey suddenly
remembered that Jeffrey’s mother’s maiden’s name
had been Clownpenis, which in fact is the third most
common last name in North Korea, a country in
which all turtles, both tall and deaf, are discriminated
against. Jeffrey sat down with Jeffrey’s mother and
she told Jeffrey that the Clownpenis Dynasty had
ruled North Korea for thousands of years until last
Thursday. That was when the former emperor
Copernicus Clownpenis had escaped to the United
States to open up his own Professional Snake Ass
Wiper business. Jeffrey now realized Jeffrey was in
the middle of an international debacle. Jeffrey also
realized that Jeffrey was a complete moron for not
knowing that Jeffrey’s Uncle Copernicus had headed
the communist regime in North Korea for the last 25
years. Oh well. Anyways, it turns out that Copernicus
Clownpenis had sent Jeffrey subliminal messages via
Jeffrey’s favorite cereal in order to lure Jeffrey to the
United States. Now that Jeffrey was on top of all this,
Jeffrey had a plan. Jeffrey wanted to frame Jeffrey’s
Uncle Copernicus for the murder of the secretary, so
as to get back at Jeffrey’s evil uncle for trying to
make Jeffrey leave Jeffrey’s family. Second, Jeffrey
planned to take back Jeffrey’s real name by going to
the local witch farm, and then after that, claim
Jeffrey’s stake in the royal family and take control of
North Korea and turn it into a democracy. Jeffrey’s
mother encouraged Jeffrey in Jeffrey’s plan, and in
order to aid Jeffrey in Jeffrey’s quest, gave Jeffrey a...
box containing three items. A shovel, a can of
Pringles, and a broom. She gave him the shovel with
the sincere intentions of helping him in his quest to
help spread democracy to her homeland. Little did she
know that she was an idiot, and that wouldn't help
Jeffrey in the least. Now, Jeffrey's mother intended to
give him the Pringles for nourishment. However, she
had never had Pringles before. She felt the obligation
to test them out before she gave them to Jeffrey.
Unfortunately, due to the fact that she had never had
Pringles, she was not aware of the fact that once you
pop, you can't stop, so she ate all the Pringles. Not
only that, but the Pringles were so delicious that she
ate them in such a hurry that she left a mess, and had
to clean up with the broom. She felt awful after eating
the gift she was to give to her son Jeffrey, so she
decided to include the empty can of Pringles and the
broom in with her gift. When Jeffrey opened the box,
he meant to say, "Thank you mother for your thoughtful gifts. They are greatly appreciated and will assist
me on my quest." Although it was meant to be said
like that, it accidentally came out as, "Mother, why
are you so freaking stupid? How the hell are a shovel,
an empty can of Pringles, and a broom going to help
me on my quest to bring democracy to North Korea? I
swear you are so incredibly feeble-minded, I must
have been adopted." Oh how the tongue can play
tricks on us and make us say things we do not mean!
At this point Jeffrey's mother got quite upset due to
Jeffrey's mistake, and she ordered him out of the
house. Jeffrey realized that at this point, he not only
needed to bring democracy to his native land to help
North Korea, but it would also help smooth things out
between him and his mother. To do this, he quickly
jumped on the first plane to...
New York. After stepping off the plane, Lou
the camera guy showed up again, and asked Jeffrey if
he wanted his picture taken. But Jeffrey said he had a
more important task for Lou to complete. He told Lou
to artificially produce a photo of his uncle,
Copernicus Clownpenis, that would link the former
emperor of North Korea to the death of the secretary.
Lou completed the job in no time, and Jeffrey promised Lou that he would remember him as soon as he
became president of a democratic North Korea. With
the newly released photo all over the New York
papers, a manhunt for Copernicus Clownpenis ensued.
Before being tracked down, the former emperor of
North Korea located his nephew, Ching-Xiao Zo Ping
Wang Wang. He looked as mad as a deck of cards
without blinker fluid to match. But Ching-Xiao Zo
Ping Wang Wang, who had reclaimed his real name
from the local witch farm, utilized his mother’s gifts.
He cut up the evil emperor/uncle/owner of the
Professional Snake Ass Wiper Building with his shovel. But oh no! Wang Wang had created a mess! He
quickly got out the broom and swept the pieces of the
body together. Then he put all the pieces into the all
too fitting empty Pringles can. His mother was a
genius. Wang Wang threw away the Pringles can, and
that was the end of his American adventure. Flying
back to North Korea on a rented drum set, Wang
Wang set out to overthrow the still communist government, which of course was now in a mess because
it lacked its true leader Copernicus Clownpenis, who
had vanished for the United States only last week.
This would be somewhat more difficult though,
because the North Korean Toothpaste Communist
Base was sealed off by no less than 8,793 guards as
well as several particularly aggressive Korean midgets
that were among the most well trained Ninjas in the
world. To create a diversion, Wang Wang...
had to think quite hard. After all, he had to
find a way to get past all the guards, and he had to get
past the Korean midgets. Wang Wang, as always, was
up to the challenge. The guards were actually fairly
easy to deceive. Wang Wang hired five men to enter
the North Korean Toothpaste Communist Base disguised as teeth riddled with gingivitis. The guards saw
these giant teeth and immediately went to clean them
with Fluorine and floss— the two F's, if you will. The
teeth were quite dirty and large, so it kept the guards
busy for a long time. The midgets required a different
diversion altogether. Wang Wang thought long and
hard, and eventually he was able to recall a helpful
piece of advice that was given to him by his father
while Wang Wang was laying down to go to bed as a
young lad: “Ching-Xiao Zo Ping Wang Wang, if you
ever are in a situation and you are trying to install a
democratic government in North Korea, but you need
to create a diversion to fight off a large group of
aggressive Korean midgets that are well trained
Ninjas, the answer to your solution is actually quite
simple. Walk right through the group of them on your
knees. You should be short enough to appear as
though you fit in. However, if anyone discovers your
true identity, simply shoot those bitches dead. As a
matter of fact, scratch that whole walking on your
knees thing. Being a well trained Ninja may be one
thing, but being able to use sophisticated weapons is
another thing altogether. So, yeah, anyway, just shoot
them.” Now, although this advice sounded odd at the
time, and Wang Wang's father went to the nut house
because of it, it actually fit in pretty well with the situation at hand. So, Wang Wang successfully found a
way to get past the guards and the midgets. Now it
was time to overthrow the Communist government,
and to do this, Wang Wang...
decided that a huge flash of light would do the
trick— blind the seething communist leaders forever.
Wang Wang, true to his name, decided to use the
“Ladies’ Man Wang trick,” whereby one drops his
pants, and if his “wang” is big enough, a blinding
light permeates the entire room. Unfortunately, Wang
Wang’s wang was a bit on the pathetic side, so the
trick didn’t work, and Wang Wang felt like a complete
tool. There he was in the middle of the room with his
pants down and he was about to be laughed at, not to
mention brutally murdered. But suddenly out of the
blue, Lou the camera guy showed up and took a picture with a flash whose power has never been seen
before and never will again. During the brilliant flash,
Lou and Wang Wang covered their eyes, but all the
North Korean communists didn’t, so they were all
instantly blinded. Wang Wang thought it ironic that in
the end, indeed an incredible flash blinding all the
communists happened anyway. Then, he thought,
“WHO THE HELL IS THIS DAMN LOU THE
CAMERA GUY?” But this time, unlike when he was
rude to his mother, he got his words right. “Wow,
Lou, you always show up at the right time, how do
you do it? Thank you so much— again! Now that I
am the head of democratic North Korea, tell me: what
can I do for you?” Lou had a strange smile on his
face, as if his father was a gay armadillo, but he
responded: “Wang Wang, I have something to tell you
first. I am not really Lou the camera guy.” Lou
removed his mask, and revealed...
Chapter 2
The Unprecedented Democratic
Election in North Korea
that he was actually Lou the lighting technician. Unfortunately for Wang Wang, this meant he
was in for a long, tedious story about why Lou had
pretended to be the camera guy when he was in fact
the lighting technician. It all happened when Lou, the
only child of a camera man from East Harlem and a
three nippled whore from Baghdad, was a mere tot of
seven years. You see, Lou was born and raised to be a
camera man. Lou's father was so proud of his work
that he wanted Lou to be just like him. Lou wanted to
be just like his father, until Lou turned seven. At this
poor age, Lou learned that his father was cheating on
his wife with a woman from North Korea named
Mary Wang Wang, who just so happened to be Wang
Wang's mother! It turns out that Lou is Wang Wang's
brother! But, anyway, that's just a side note. At this
point, Lou got angry at his father, and decided to be a
lighting technician. However, he later wanted to meet
his brother, Wang Wang, and to do this, he realized
that he couldn't continue to be a lighting technician.
He had to be a camera man. It's easy to start a conversation by asking to take someone's picture. What can
you do as a lighting technician? Flash a flashlight in
his face? No, that would just be weird. So, he decided
to be a camera man to meet his brother. At this point,
Wang Wang was in shock. He thought it was odd that
this crazy camera man kept coming into his life randomly. So, at this point Lou decided to take up Wang
Wang on his offer to do something for him. He asked
Wang Wang to...
come with him to the future. You see, Lou the
lighting technician in the future became a mad scientist and invented the first successful time machine.
Suddenly, Lou the lighting technician from 2025 had
come back to 2000 in search of himself. He wanted to
take the 2000 version of Lou to the future, but 2000
Lou was worried that he would get lonely. So he now
asked Wang Wang to accompany him for one week in
the year 2025. When Wang Wang refused, a chain
reaction occurred. Lou 2000 was upset because Wang
Wang was not carrying his part of the deal. Also, Lou
2025 became incredibly mad and cut off Lou 2000’s
right pinkie finger. The funny thing was, was that Lou
2025 instantly lost his right pinkie finger as well. If
you think about it, since Lou 2025 is actually a later
version of Lou 2000, his body would have to be the
same, so when Lou 2025 cut off Lou 2000’s pinkie,
he lost his too. You can read more about this in Lou
Wang Wang’s reference manual, “Things to consider
when you make a Time Machine Volume I.” The book
is usually blue with a live bee hive on page 206. At
length, Wang Wang, true to his word and promise to
Lou, reconsidered and agreed to go to the future for
one week with Lou 2000 and of course, Lou 2025.
Lou 2025 said that they had a mission, and that Wang
Wang 2000 and Lou 2000 were the only ones that
could do it. Lou 2025 explained that...
he wanted Lou 2000 and Wang Wang 2000 to
travel to 2025 to make him a grilled ham and cheese
sandwich, because Lou 2025 was freaking starving,
and he never learned how to make a grilled ham and
cheese sandwich. Wang Wang, Lou 2000 and Lou
2025 went to the future to make some sandwiches.
And make sandwiches they did. Luckily for the
hunger of Lou 2025, he had an International
Sandwich Maker Extraordinaire, but he did not know
how to use it. It made the baddest grilled ham and
cheese on this side of the Yangtze River. Lou 2025
was quite impressed when the 2000 guys got it to
work. In fact, he was so pleased, that he wanted to
move in with his brother of 25 years ago. However,
problems began to form. First off, it was getting boring to call one Lou "Lou 2000" and the other Lou
"Lou 2025." Therefore, Wang Wang decided that Lou
2025 would now be named after Alberto, Wang
Wang's deceased pet koala. Naturally, if Lou 2025
were to be named after Alberto the Koala, Wang
Wang decided to call him Pierre. So, the next crucial
question to be answered was whether, for that week in
2025, Pierre or Lou would get to sleep on the couch
and which one would be forced to sleep on the floor.
To solve this dilemma, Wang Wang came up with the
most fair solution, and also a quite obvious one: they
would play rock, paper, scissors. It would be best of
5. The first round, Pierre had rock and Lou had scissors. The second round, Pierre had paper and Lou had
rock. The third round Pierre had paper again, and Lou
had also had paper. It was a draw. Oh, these silly
guys. But, on the rematch of the third round, Pierre
took scissors and Lou took paper. It was a clean
sweep, although this was to be expected, because it is
a well known fact that Frenchmen are the best rock,
paper, scissors players world-wide. Pierre was not a
gracious winner, and he believed in kicking a man
while he's down, so at this point he kicked Lou
straight in the derriere. This again proved that Pierre
was not too smart, because although Lou was greatly
hurt, Pierre as well couldn't sit down for three days
because he kicked "himself" so hard. At this point,
they kissed and made up, which was also kind of ironic, because in effect they were kissing themselves.
Now Wang Wang said he wanted to meet Wang Wang
2025. The trio...
went to the North Korean Toothpaste
Democratic Base, and Wang Wang 2025 came up and
greeted himself (Wang Wang 2000), and said “Damn,
you are a sexy man.” Wang Wang 2000 took the compliment from himself and immediately told Pierre that
this whole thing was getting confusing and annoying.
In essence, Wang Wang was dissing himself by not
wanting to be with himself. Pierre agreed, and
thanked Lou and Wang Wang 2000 for helping him
make the sandwiches. He sent them back to 2000 so
their lives would be normal again— at least that is
what they were hoping for. But an error in the time
machine left Lou and Wang Wang about 30 minutes
behind schedule. It turned out that they had just gotten
past the midgets, and they would now have to overtake the communists in the board room again. Wang
Wang referred to the “Things to consider when you
make a Time Machine Volume I” but it was no help.
It would be impossible for them to go 30 minutes into
the future, which was really the present.
Unfortunately, the whole “blinding light” technique
wouldn’t work this time, because we all know now
that Wang Wang’s wang just wasn’t up to par. Plus,
Lou the lighting technician now only had his trademark flashlight and not his camera. However, as in all
time machines, there was a box of live boa constrictors in the trunk. So, Wang Wang had a plan. He took
the box and offered it to the communists as a gift.
Now, because Wang Wang was world-renowned for
his snake ass wiping abilities, he told the communists
that these snakes had just been ass wiped personally
by himself, and of course that meant that the snakes
weren’t poisonous. The communists were greatly
appreciative of the gift and Wang Wang and Lou
smiled hesitantly. But in actuality, the boa constrictors
had dirty asses, so they were pissed and poisonous.
After a few minutes, all the communists died from the
bites, and democracy has been restored again. Now
Wang Wang and Lou were afraid that Lou 2025
would come back again, starting the whole process
over again. Wang Wang knew that he couldn’t overthrow the government for a third time. So he quickly
referred to the “Things to consider when you make a
Time Machine Volume I.” Luckily, 17 pages after the
beehive was Section M, Rule 15B: “If you ever use
the time machine and go into the future and help a
guy make sandwiches, and then you go back to where
you were, only you accidentally go 15 minutes before
where you originally were, don’t worry about the guy
coming back to ask you for sandwich help again. He
is in the future making sandwiches to his heart’s
delight.” Wang Wang let out a huge sigh, and Lou was
relieved as well. But the guards outside were almost
done cleaning the five teeth, and there was no way
that Wang Wang and Lou could fend all 8,793 of them
off. So, Wang Wang created another diversion that
would keep the guards busy for eternity. He handed
the leader guard, Ricardo, the “Things to consider
when you make a Time Machine Volume I.” The
guards were fascinated by the reference book, and
they would discuss it the rest of their lives over a
cozy campfire and overcooked smores. Finally, North
Korea was democratic as proclaimed by Wang Wang,
and there were no more bad guys. But suddenly, Lou
became jealous and said that he had just as much right
to be North Korea’s President as Wang Wang did.
Then North Korea’s political adviser, Stromile Soap,
told them that they were defeating the whole purpose
of a democracy, and that they would have to start up
their own campaigns. Lou and Wang Wang realized
that Stromile was right, so they started up their campaigns. But they were not the only candidates for the
election. By the time the debates started, they were
facing...
a very strong third party candidate: former
White Sox great Shoeless Joe Jackson. Some people
have asked Shoeless Joe how he can be running for
President when he died in 1951. This is a subject
Shoeless Joe didn't like to talk about, so no one
knows how he was alive to run for President. Another
question was whether it was fair for a man who was
born and died in the United States, and for all we
know never left the United States, to be running for
President in North Korea. Shoeless Joe didn't like to
talk about that either. In fact, Shoeless Joe's reasons
for running for President were somewhat odd, and
two-fold. First off, he wanted to get his name cleared
in the whole Black Sox scandal of 1919 and get into
the Hall of Fame. He figured, what better way to clear
his name than become the President of North Korea.
Little did he know that Bud Selig is quite anal, and
will never allow Shoeless Joe in the Hall, even if he
did something even greater than become President of
North Korea. So, for this first goal, Shoeless Joe
would fail. His other goal was quite different.
Shoeless Joe wanted his flippin' shoes back. He lost
them long, long ago, and wants them back. This actually would be very difficult to accomplish. Shoeless
Joe couldn't remember exactly when he lost his shoes,
but he had that nickname for a long time, prior to the
1919 World Series, so let's just be kind to Shoeless
Joe and pretend he had no shoes for 80 years, even
though it was actually longer than that. Have you ever
tried to find something you lost 80 years ago? Well, it
can be tough to find. Naturally, when in this situation
one would assume that you'd be able to find them if
they became the President of a country recently converted to a democracy. But, that's such a naive
thought. Things just aren't that easy. Sometimes you
just gotta get off your ass and look for it. There's no
such thing as a simple solution, like becoming
President of North Korea. However, Shoeless Joe genuinely thought this way. Many people in North Korea
sympathized with his story. Going into the first and
only debate, Shoeless Joe was actually doing very
well in the polls. Shoeless Joe had 43% of the vote,
Wang Wang had 22% and Lou was in a close third
with 20%. Now, that only adds up to 85%. In quite a
surprise, Mighty Mouse was in fourth with 10% of the
vote. The final 5% of the vote were either asleep or
flying a winged dingo with hydrophobia to the southwest corner of Pakistan to meet their hero,
Goldilocks. Anyway, the day of the big debate came
around. There was an incredible turnaround in the
debate, as...
the moderator made them all shut up and
select their Vice Presidential candidates. Shoeless Joe,
in an effort to get the antigun support, selected
Charlton Heston. Wang Wang, trying to appease those
in favor of moral integrity, picked Bill Clinton. Lou
selected his his dad’s mistress, Mary, citing that “if
ever there was a person who could truly identify the
number ∏, Pi, or 3.14, she would get to the bottom of
it.” Mighty Mouse selected himself as Vice President,
because he felt that “If I die, I would make a great
replacement for myself.” The crowd suddenly swayed
to Wang Wang, but Shoeless Joe blurted out, “I will
hold a worldwide search for my shoes.” Suddenly, the
crowd “ooh’d” and “aah’d” and Shoeless Joe took a
substantial lead in the polls. Lou chimed in with “I am
against communism and terrorism, yet at the same
time, I support education. Finally, unlike my opponents, I know how to use a camera and operate light
fixtures, should our country need such services.” Such
a momentous and meaningful statement swung Lou
into the lead by the narrowest of margins. The three
major candidates were set to duke it out during the
last week of the campaign, and each emphasized goals
of “bringing North Korea to the forefront of the technology industry, while also eliminating North Korea’s
ever growing wart on Mount Kalakipakibaki.” The
candidates differed, however, in their methods of
removing the wart, and this proved to be the main
issue as the election countdown ensued. The big news
finally came on the Ides of Octember, with Mishi
Akoobu reporting live on the “No One Really Cares
About What’s Going On In North Korea Newscast,”
commonly referred to in the local TV guides as NORCAWGOINKN. Mishi Akoobu announced that the
winner, by a margin of 34 percent to 33 percent to 33
percent, was...
Chapter 3
The Return of Communism
a huge surprise. The day before the election
there was a remarkable situation. It all started when
Shoeless Joe found his shoes. It turns out that he left
them in a dugout at a baseball field in Cleveland.
Naturally, he was very excited, and he told Wang
Wang the good news. Wang Wang was happy to hear
about this, and said "Well, ya know, they're always in
the last place you look!" At this point, Joe got agitated. He responded, "Of course they're always in the
last place you look, jackass. Once I find them I'm not
going to keep looking for them." Such a crude statement cost Joe any chance of winning the election, and
he lost all of his support. However, Wang Wang
responded to that statement by Joe by saying, "Well,
technically that's not true. Let's say, for example, that
you never found your shoes. Then, in that case, they
wouldn't be in the last place you look, because if they
were in the last place you looked you would have
found your shoes. So, actually, they're only in the last
place you look if you find them." Had Wang Wang
not said this, there is little to no doubt he would have
won the election. However, the people of North Korea
are smart. They realized that although what Wang
Wang had just said was true, it contradicted his earlier
statement of "Well, ya know, they're always in the last
place you look!" Some people thought at this point
Wang Wang was just a big hypocrite. Because of this,
Wang Wang did not win the election, and he only got
33% of the vote. Lou also lost his chance at winning
the election because he refused to congratulate Joe on
his finding his shoes. People thought Lou was just a
mean, cold-hearted man. Lou also only got 33%. The
public of North Korea got frustrated with the three
main candidates, and decided to vote Mighty Mouse
in as President. Joe really wasn't too upset by this. He
got his shoes, after all, so he just went back to his
grave. Wang Wang and Lou were very angry, though.
How could they get beat out by a mouse? They decided it was time to revolt, and the best way to revolt
would be by working together. So, Wang Wang and
Lou decided to join forces against Mighty Mouse.
They had to now determine which one of them would
be President if they were successful, and which one
would be the Vice President. Wang Wang figured they
should play rock, paper, scissors, but, Lou, remembering his massive failures in that game earlier, vetoed
that idea. Instead, they agreed to play that "Eenie
meenie, minie, moe, Catch the tiger by the toe, if he
hollers make him pay, fifty dollars every day, and you
are not it." Wang Wang found himself pointing at Lou
when he said the final word, "it." However, at this
point, they got confused. Wang Wang thought by that
it meant that the "it" referred to being Vice President,
and therefore, Wang Wang would be President. Lou,
on the other hand, thought it meant President, and he
thought he would be the President. So, at this point,
they were both frustrated and decided to duke it out.
Wang Wang destroyed Lou, so Wang Wang would be
President if the revolution would be successful.
However, Wang Wang beat him so bad, Lou needed
some time for convalescence. So, three months later,
it was time to begin the revolution. To begin, Wang
Wang and Lou...
made a nationwide television commercial criticizing Mighty Mouse’s lack of efforts in removing the
ever growing wart on Mount Kalakipakibaki. Of
course, the fickle public turned against Mighty
Mouse. But the first Democratic President had no
intentions of giving up his position so easy. No, he
directly challenged Wang Wang and Lou to a wart
removal contest. Mighty Mouse said that whoever
removed the mountain’s wart first would be President.
This seemed like a fair enough offer, and the public
bought it, reaffirming their faith in Mighty Mouse.
But Wang Wang and Lou knew better— climbing
Mount Kalakipakibaki was like trying to defy the
Pringles’ motto of “once you pop, you can’t stop”—
both were impossible. But Mighty Mouse, in an effort
to stake his claim in history and keep his presidential
position at the same time, announced that he would
climb to the top of Mount Kalakipakibaki and remove
the wart. Sadly, Mighty Mouse died in his quest, and
Wang Wang and Lou had the presidency in their
grasps. But little did they know that Mighty Mouse
had a backup plan. True to his word, he DID appoint
himself as Vice President, and that Mighty Mouse the
VP now ascended to President. Appropriately, Mighty
Mouse again named himself as VP. Wang Wang and
Lou were dumbfounded, realizing that their was no
way to unseat the current President. After all, they
could not kill Mighty Mouse and even if he ever died,
Mighty Mouse the VP would just always be there. So,
Wang Wang and Lou had to convince North Korea it
was under communistic rule again. Would democracy
ever be fully restored in this country? Wang Wang and
Lou were determined to install a permanent
Democratic government, so they...
had to find a way to get past this predicament
in which they couldn't unseat the current President
because he was dead. They decided to propose an
amendment to North Korea's nonexistent constitution.
In this amendment, they propose that every President
of North Korea must be a human. If this were the
case, a mouse couldn't be President, and there could
be a new President. However, just to be sure nothing
like this could happen again, they decided to add an
additional clause to the amendment that would prohibit a candidate from naming himself as his own vice
president. Now it was time to try to get this passed by
Congress. All was going well, and it appeared as
though the amendment would pass with flying colors.
However, at this time, one of the congressmen was
about to stand up and give an overwhelming speech
as to why this amendment would be incredibly detrimental to society. However, just as he was about to
open his mouth, Joe entered the room and threw both
of his shoes at that congressman. The congressman
immediately died. The amendment passed without
opposition because of Shoeless Joe's intervention. At
this point, North Korea needed another election. One
would immediately think there would be three candidates: Wang Wang, Lou, and Shoeless Joe. However,
Shoeless Joe was not a viable candidate because the
North Korea public didn't want a man as President
that killed one of their congressmen. So, it all came
down to Wang Wang and Lou. Wang Wang believed
that it should all be simple, and he should be voted in
as President because he beat up Lou earlier. However,
the North Korean public didn't like this story and they
voted in Lou as President unanimously. Lou now
became President and Wang Wang was the vice president. Lou, however, true to his word, decided to let
Wang Wang be the "unofficial" President. In other
words, although officially Lou was President and
Wang Wang was vice-president, they would actually
serve the opposite roles. Unfortunately for both, two
weeks after they gained their positions word broke out
about the scandal and the people of North Korea had
to do something about it. As a result of this...
the public was fed up with how Wang Wang
and Lou seemed to always wanting to be taking control of their country. Everything had gone insane over
the last few months, and the country’s leader had gone
from Copernicus Clownpenis to Wang Wang to
Mighty Mouse to Lou to Wang Wang. That’s what
everyone thought, but no one really knew for sure.
The public had grown tired of this “democratic” society, and they desperately wanted an evil dictator who
would command every aspect of their lives. So, the
public vetoed their non-existent Constitution, and they
also abolished the non-existent Congress. Petie the
Raccoon was then named dictator. He was able to
assume this position despite the “every President of
North Korea must be a human” clause. After all, he
was Dictator, not President. Plus, the non-existent
Constitution had been vetoed anyway, so it didn’t
matter at all. Petie the raccoon ordered Wang Wang
and Lou out of the country, and the two finally gave
up on their democratic hopes. They then paid their
final respects to their homeland by laying 16 googolplex screws around the country’s border. It was
known as the “Screw You Project.” Petie the raccoon
was happy about this, because now there was a wall
around his country and no one could get out. I mean,
no one has the guts to jump over a screw. You could
fall on it and scratch your clothes. That would be terrible. So, North Koreans were hopelessly locked in a
large cage of screws. So Wang Wang and Lou now
had to decide what to do with their lives. Wang Wang
suggested that they open up a “Professional Electrical
Snake Ass Wiping Store,” and Lou the lighting technician agreed, because he was great at working with
battery powered snakes. So, the brothers opened their
store in...
Chapter 4
Anarchy Gum!
Baghdad. Lou was quite insistent that he get
back to his roots, and open the store in the city where
his mother was from. Wang Wang really couldn't care
less where they opened the store. He just wanted to
get back to his true calling: wiping the dirty asses of
snakes. So, they decided to go to Baghdad, but, they
were caught in a large dilemma. They accidentally
stayed inside North Korea as they proceeded with the
"Screw You Project." They were clueless as to how to
leave the country and get to Baghdad. At this point,
Wang Wang and Lou decided to go speak to Petie the
raccoon for advice on what to do. Petie said that he
really needed Wang Wang and Lou to leave the country immediately, and he had a plan. He was one hell
of a large raccoon. Also, he felt quite confident in his
ability to jump over the screws. He offered to let
Wang Wang and Lou ride on his back as he jumped
over the screws to get them out of the country. This
sounded like a good idea to Wang Wang and Lou, so
they agreed. They got to the border, and Wang Wang
and Lou jumped on Petie's back. Petie then attempted
to jump over the screws. Unfortunately, Petie just
barely failed on his quest, but fail he did. He tripped
over some screws and sent Wang Wang and Lou flying over the border into South Korea. Petie wasn't so
fortunate, however. In falling over the screw, he broke
his leg and landed on the main South Korean highway, which was curiously close to the border. As he
lay there screaming in pain, a South Korean roadside
worker found him. The roadside worker thought he
was just any other raccoon unfortunate enough to be
roadkill. After all, South Korean drivers have the reputation of running over raccoons at an alarming rate.
Also, in addition to that fact, most raccoons killed on
the South Korean roads are not the dictators of North
Korea. So, with all these facts in mind, the South
Korean roadside worker decided to put Petie out of
his misery, and did so by shooting him repeatedly in
the genitals with a rifle. Needless to say, Petie died.
Wang Wang and Lou had a pretty natural reaction to
this occurrence. They laughed hysterically. The country that they attempted to help was now in a total state
of anarchy. They laughed all the way to the airport,
and they were going to jump on a plane to Baghdad to
open their store. When they got to the airport...
it was closed. It was always closed on
Wednesdays so the clean-up crew could clean up all
the plane wrecks from that week. Wang Wang then
turned to Lou after a long moment of pondering, and
said: “What do you know, another big change in the
political system of North Korea. I mean, this is like
the first change in the last few weeks.” Moments later
Enrique the delivery boy was yelling “Get your paper!
Read all about it! North Korea officially declared in
anarchy! Country’s stock market soars!” Wang Wang
and Lou purchased North Korean Gazette, and it
seemed that other prominent countries around the
world were turning to anarchy as well. Most notable
were Russia and France. It seemed to be a most beneficial system. As in the movie “Airplane” when everyone knows the plane is going down and going insane,
these countries were wild drunken orgies— perfect
for peace and prosperity! Wang Wang and Lou decided that they might as well just escape back into North
Korea, where there was that missing screw that hurt
Petie. It was a large enough hole for them to crawl
back through. However, they didn’t feel like opening
their store anymore. Instead, they opened the
“Anarchy Gum Factory” to commemorate the world’s
fresh approach to anarchy. They needed workers, and
workers they got. However, how were they going to
transport the gum worldwide with the “Screw Wall?”
Lou had a solution. First, he elected to...
open a store. He figured, they might as well
get a store up and running so they could do some
business in North Korea. Granted, they wanted to get
to the point where they would be the leading international distributors of gum, but they assumed with a
name like "Anarchy Gum," getting people hooked
would not be the problem. (Obviously, they have not
heard the saying about how when you "assume," you
make an "ass" out of "u" and "me." It's weird that
they had not heard of it, because it's so well known,
and most people learn it first when they are quite
young.) Later they would concern themselves with
how they would distribute their supplies. So, they
opened their factory in downtown North Korea City.
After they opened their factory, they realized they had
a problem: they had no clue how to make gum, and
even if they did know how to make gum, they didn't
know how to make it "Anarchy Gum." They then
called up Johnno Floblowinstine, the world's first
most authority on gum. He explained how to make
gum and all the machinery that Wang Wang and Lou
would need. However, this whole process would take
time, which was too bad, because they had gotten
workers long ago. At this point, the workers would
just meet in the empty factory at 8 in the morning,
play hopscotch and dodge ball until 5 and then go
home. It was also quite unfortunate that Wang Wang
and Lou had no money to pay these workers, so they
were actually doing all their hard work for nothing.
Upon further inspection, Wang Wang and Lou decided
it was probably too early to hire all their workers, but
they didn't have the heart to tell the workers that they
had no money for them. So, until the factory was
ready to go, they...
went over to Grandpa Magoo’s house and
stole his Monopoly game. They would use the
Monopoly money for the time being until they could
get some gum machinery for their empty factory.
Johnno Floblowinstine realized Wang Wang and
Lou’s plight so he donated his gum machinery to
them for six months. If they had it longer than that, he
said he would have to give Wang Wang of them a
“punch in the stomach.” Lou was in the back playing
hopscotch with the workers, so Wang Wang conveniently told Johnno Floblowinstine that Lou would be
the one to punch, because he was in charge of everything. Johnno Floblowinstine nodded his head. The
workers were then informed that recess time would
start tomorrow with the making of gum, and that their
excruciating work of playing hopscotch and dodge
ball would now be over. The workers all sighed,
knowing that they could now safely disband their
union and not have to worry about suing Wang Wang
for violating labor laws. Then the Nebraska football
team came in and said hi to everyone and told them
their field trip this year was to North Korea. They left
immediately and all the workers went home, too.
Wang Wang, Lou, and Johnno were the only ones left
in the factory, and Johnno Floblowinstine said, “If
you build it they will come.” Wang Wang and Lou
embraced each other in this moment of passion and
brotherly love and made an oath to each other to be
true to themselves and their workers, while producing
the world’s best gum. The whole situation got way too
corny and it seemed to much like an Oscar scene for
Johnno Floblowinstine, and he laughed hysterically.
Any ways, they all left. The next day, the workers
filed in for their first day of “recess.” Everything went
great that first day, except...
for the chronic hostage situation. You see, an
angry mob of two men entered the factory with big,
heavy guns and explosives, and threatened to kill
everyone and blow up the building, because they were
upset over something. They were furious with the
advertising campaign of DiGiorno's frozen pizzas. In
DiGiorno's commercials, they claim "It's not delivery,
it's DiGiorno!" as if someone might confuse
DiGiorno's frozen pizzas with delivered pizza. Well,
both these men decided to test this on their wives.
They pretended to order pizza as a nice, elegant dinner for their 25th anniversaries. They both married
their wives on the same day. Anyway, they assumed
they could get away with it. However, in each case, as
soon as the wife bit into the pizza, she proclaimed
"It's not delivery, it's DiGiorno!" With this both
women became furious with their husbands, demanded a divorce, and walked out on them forever. The
men figured that there would be no better way to
show the world what had happened to them then to
take everyone at the "Anarchy Gum" plant hostage.
So, they did. Naturally, Wang Wang and Lou became
quite distressed, but as always, Wang Wang had a
plan. He quickly snuck into the kitchen and cooked up
a DiGiorno's frozen pizza while Lou was attempting
to negotiate with the terrorists. As soon as the pizza
was finished, Wang Wang brought it out, offered it to
the terrorists, explaining "Hey, I just cooked up a
some pizza. Would you like some?" All this terrorizing had got the men hungry, and they gladly accepted.
However, the two terrorists couldn't believe it was a
frozen pizza. They were convinced it had been delivered. One of the men proclaimed "a pizza boy just
waltzed on in here?" They both became quite distressed and ran out of the factory frantically searching
for the pizza boy. Everyone remained quite in the factory for a few moments, and then Wang Wang proclaimed to everyone "It wasn't delivery, it's DiGiorno!
They've been had!" With this, everyone began to
laugh. The second day at the "Anarchy Gum" plant
wasn't quite so boring, as an incredible change in
events occurred. On the second day...
the Tooth Fairy came. Apparently, her name
was really Mathilde. She had a sack load of cash in
order to reimburse all the workers, Wang Wang, and
Lou for all the teeth that they had lost over their lives
but had never been legally compensated. Mathilde
said that going to North Korea was a big hassle for
her, so she hadn’t stopped by in nearly a century.
Wang Wang saw that Mathilde was tired from her
endless journeys, so he offered her a piece of Anarchy
Gum. She accepted and immediately realized the healing quality of the gum. “Good heavens! With this
gum’s monumental advancements, people will never
lose teeth again! I can retire and become Santa
Claus’s whore! Finally!” Wang Wang and Lou instantly seized their opportunity to shoot a commercial
before Mathilde went off to the North Pole to bang
good ol’ Santa Claus. With Mathilde’s endorsement,
Anarchy Gum boomed and skyrocketed throughout
the world. I mean, who can forget Mathilde the Tooth
Fairy’s infamous punch line of Anarchy Gum’s worldwide debut commercial?...
"Chew this gum, bitch, or Santa Claus's
whore... is gonna beat ya til ya hurt no more." With an
endorsement like that, how could you not want the
gum? I mean, it even rhymed. With this brilliant jingle and the endorsement of Mathilde, Anarchy Gum
really took off. At this point, Lou and Wang Wang
finally had enough money to pay their workers; however, now a new problem arose. The popularity of
Anarchy Gum had risen so much to the point they
needed more workers. However, there was no one left
in North Korea willing to work for Anarchy Gum.
Lou and Wang Wang decided the only possible solution would be to open another plant elsewhere. As
they had discussed earlier, they decided to open a
plant in Baghdad. However, if they did do that, Lou
and Wang Wang would have to be separated, and that
was not acceptable. So, after much discussion, they
decided to call up Mathilde and asked if she would
like to run a second plant on the North Pole. She
instantly accepted, realizing that there is only so much
whorring one can do. So, Lou and Wang Wang spent
all their extra money building another factory on the
North Pole. Unfortunately, due to lack of preparation
for this, they were unaware that the North Pole was
not inhabited, and there was no one to work there. At
this point, Anarchy Gum was just about completely
bankrupt. Lou was sure they'd have to end their business. However, Wang Wang had an idea. Wang Wang,
as always, had connections. He knew just the guy to
call to help him overcome this dreadful situation.
Wang Wang picked up the phone and called...
Wang Wang 2025. Wang Wang 2000 said he
desperately needed some money to shut down the
North Pole factory before its capital gains losses
exceeded the net profits by a percentage larger than
that of the stockholder’s municipal bonds which
would clearly inflate at a rate unacceptable to the
economy’s ever changing demands for a high ratio of
cash flow dividend to yield sales in the appropriate
equity fund in order to alleviate the gross margin of
the inventory revenue on each share’s earnings per
capita flow of assets. Wang Wang 2025 said that he
knew all about this kind of thing— everyone did in
2025. “But it doesn’t matter. You see, minimum wage
these days is a little over $630,000 per hour. So I will
give you $5 million tomorrow so as to save your little
project.” Wang Wang 2000 was ecstatic and shared
the news with Lou. Unfortunately, the two had to then
tell Mathilde the Tooth Fairy that the North Pole factory had to be shut down and that she would have to
go back to being Santa Claus’s whore. She begged
them to save her from going back to Santa, because,
well, she didn’t want to get into it. So Wang Wang
and Lou, still needing to open another factory, decided to relocate their North Pole Factory to Des Moines,
Iowa, often considered the center of “Gum Country.”
They elected not to build one in Baghdad because of
the country’s rampant use of the harmonica in order to
cure psychological plant jealousy. So, the Tooth Fairy,
now residing in Iowa, was having the time of her life.
Anarchy Gum was prospering, and Wang Wang and
Lou were the most famous people on the planet. But,
as usual, a conflict from out of nowhere arose. The
8,793 guards from the North Korean Toothpaste
Communist Base had gotten bored with Lou’s reference manual, “Things to consider when you make a
Time Machine Volume I.” The five “Best Buy mascot” teeth quickly realized this and rushed back to
Anarchy Gum’s world headquarters in North Korea
City so they could inform Wang Wang and Lou of the
impending danger. Wang Wang and Lou’s five friends
who disguised as giant, dirty teeth, since we didn’t
feel like telling you who they were before, are really...
Chapter 5
The Guards Threaten the
Factories
the Village People. Granted, there are actually
six Village People (the Indian, the G.I., the biker, the
cowboy, the cop, and the construction worker) but the
Indian, as we all know, was the lone Communist of
the group and therefore refused to assist the others in
their attempt to overthrow Communism. Anyway, the
cowboy ran into the factory ahead of the rest of the
gang to quickly inform Wang Wang and Lou of the
potential problem they may encounter soon. Wang
Wang and Lou thanked the Village People for the
information, and asked if, before they leave if they
would put on a little concert for the happy workers of
Anarchy Gum. The Village People immediately said
yes, because they were pumped that people would still
want to hear their music. First off, they all sang
"Y.M.C.A." because, you know, it's a classic. Next,
they sang "Macho Man." As they were singing this
song, the 8,793 guards from the North Korean
Toothpaste Communist Base entered the factory.
However, when there heard everyone singing "Macho
Man," they became frightened. There were lots of
workers in that factory, and if they were all, in fact,
macho men, they figured they didn't stand a chance.
So, this time, Wang Wang and Lou didn't actually
have a plan to drive off their potential danger. They
just got lucky. However, they had been dealt their fair
share of bad luck, so it was about freaking time. But,
although they did have good luck in this instance,
there was also some bad luck involved. You see,
Wang Wang, Lou, and all the workers of Anarchy
Gum never noticed that the guards came and left.
Because of this, they still thought the guards were
after them. So, Wang Wang and Lou still came up
with a plan. It was their most amazing plan yet. It is
unbelievable that they could come up with a plan such
as this. It's such an unreal plan that no one could have
ever made it up. The plan looked like it would be
flawless. Only one flukish thing could go wrong that
would ruin the plan. And guess what: that flukish
thing did go wrong. And now it is time to explain the
plan that Wang Wang and Lou came up with and the
fluke that caused everything to go wrong:...
Wang Wang and Lou decided to take
“Invisible Potion 257” and they gave all of the workers some, too. They potion’s spell said that they
would remain invisible until they defeated the guards.
Wang Wang said that the only thing that could make
the whole ingenious plan go terribly wrong would be
if that the guards never showed up. Everyone thought
this was hilarious, and that such a fluke would never
happen. Everyone was looking forward to the moment
when the guards would enter, because they would be
getting beat senseless by invisible guys everywhere!
But when the guards did not show up, the workers
started to turn on the Village People. They said they
were traitors and spies. The workers screamed: “The
Village People lied to us! The guards were never really coming! It’s a scam!” The Village People tried to
get the truth out and that the guards were in fact coming. But the workers wouldn’t believe it. The workers
threatened to kick the crap out of the Village People,
and the band members became very scared, until they
realized that invisible guys can’t see other invisible
guys. So while the workers tried to catch The Village
People that they couldn’t see, the comedic Village
People were yelling “Marco!” and “Polo!” and it was
getting really annoying. Then the group realized they
had a bigger problem. Wang Wang addressed Lou, the
workers, and The Village People: “Fellow invisible
people. I know in my heart that The Village People
were not lying. They are on our side. However, my
friends, we have a bigger problem than simply defeating the guards. We have to find them! Even if they are
looking for us, they can’t find us, because we stay
invisible until we beat them up. But I don’t think they
are looking for us anyway because they aren’t here.
So we need to find the guards and beat them up. Does
anyone know where the guards could be?” Luckily,
the construction worker did. “They are...
playing the banjo with Cletus in a swamp in
southern Arkansas. At this point, the cop explained to
everyone that the construction worker has been freakishly delusional since his pet raccoon named Petie
was killed in a freakish genital shooting incident in
South Korea. So, the cop explained, most likely, what
he said about the location of the guards was not true.
They sure were stumped. At this point, there was a
loud banging on the door of the factory. Everyone
quickly looked over towards the door to see who it
was. Unfortunately, everyone was disappointed when
they realized the door was closed. After further examination of the situation, everyone determined that, in
fact, it wouldn’t make sense for the person to knock
on the door if it were open. If that were the case,
they’d probably just walk in. Anyway, Wang Wang
walked over to the door to let the person in. As he
opened the door, the Indian walked in the other door
that was right next to it, and it was open. He
explained that he did actually knock on the door, but
when no one responded, he just walked through the
other door. Although at first this situation was filled
with confusion because he thought the factory was
empty because everyone was invisible, when everyone explained to him that they were there, but they
were just invisible, this was quite a joyous occasion.
The Village People were reunited! This called for a
celebration! They decided to put on another concert,
and started by playing “Y.M.C.A.” again, and when
they finished that they played “Macho Man” again.
After playing “Macho Man,” they started to play
something else, but all the workers began to boo
because those two songs are the only two songs anyone likes by the Village People, and most people that
like those songs only like them because they like to
make fun of them. For example, there was that commercial about the “Nacho Man” by some nacho
cheese product or something like that. And,
“Y.M.C.A.” is just ridiculous. I mean, half the people
mess up when they do that and make their “C” the
wrong way. But, at this point they needed to get to
figure out where the guards went. Before they were to
do this, the biker had a suggestion. He suggested that
the Indian take a shower, because he smelled really
bad. This was interesting, because his olfactory system was destroyed when he was just a baby because
his doctor was trying to build a fort out of tooth picks.
At the same time as this was happening, a fat nurse
was running because she was being chased by a
weasel from Guadeloupe because its ass was on fire
because it was building a fort out of matches, when
one caught on fire and struck the gasoline leaking out
of his car. The leaking gasoline happened to lead right
to where the weasel was sitting and his arse happened
to catch on fire. Anyway, the breeze that was caused
when the fat nurse ran by the fort of tooth picks
caused two of the tooth picks to go flying, and they
ricocheted off the bikers helmet, went straight through
his gloves, bounced off his leather jacket, somehow
got over the cradle, and then one flew into each of
nostrils. He hadn’t been able to smell since then.
When the Biker made this suggestion, the Indian
explained that he smelled so bad because he had been
hiding out in the dumpster outside the factory. You
see, he was going to meet his buddies, now that they
decided they didn’t want to take down Communism.
As he was going to see them, he saw the guards.
From the dumpster, he also saw them leave and go
to...
the Anarchy Gum’s second factory in Des
Moines, where Mathilde the Tooth Fairy was just
starting to hire workers. Since the old Communism
guards couldn’t find the workers in Anarchy Gum’s
world headquarters in NKC, they decided to sabotage
the factory in Des Moines. Mathilde saw all 8,793 of
them coming, and she had a plan. She took out her
Official Tooth Fairy Purse and unleashed a monumental piece of string. It was so long that she could run
around the Earth five times and she would still have
enough string to— well, you know. That whole cricket/cowboy/calculator thing. Please don’t make me
explain. Any ways, so she cut the string into 8,793
evenly divided pieces, and gave each of the guards his
equal piece of string. She said if they all did as they
were told, she would show them what she and Santa
Claus had done many a time during all those boring
summer nights in the North Pole. She also said that
they could destroy the plant and get their revenge on
Wang Wang. Mathilde then led the guards into the
Magic Room of Doors, and she said her magic spell
words and there were of course 8,793 doors. She then
snapped her fingers and 8,793 bandanas instantly
blindfolded all of the guards. Then, another magic
snapperoo by Mathilde and the guards obeyed her
command: they tied their piece of string in between
all their teeth and attached it to the doors. A final
wave of the magic wand by Mathilde and all the
8,793 doors slammed. What happened next was the
biggest, saddest, most tragic, disgusting, and hilarious
yelp of pain that anyone has ever heard. Every single
guard lost all of his teeth, and Mathilde could not stop
laughing. She had duped them into a cruel yet hysteri-
cal trick. Mr. Guinness stopped by shortly thereafter
and put the event in the record books: over 200,000
teeth had been lost in the same room in the same
minute. It was a unanimous winner. Mr. Richter later
paid the Des Moines factory a visit, asking if he had
felt an earthquake or the shrieking cries of 8,793 men
who had just lost all of their teeth. The screams
recorded a 4.7 on the scale, but oh well. It wasn’t a
real earthquake. Wang Wang, Lou, and the gang
arrived at about this time, and they still had their
dilemma: they had to beat up the guards before they
could become visible again, not to mention become
contributing members of society again. But they all
felt so bad for the guards, how could they fight them
now? I mean every single one of the guards was crying like a little kid, and none of them could talk.
Wang Wang saw this tragedy, and elected to...
beat the crap out of them anyway. After all,
there were a lot of guards, and not quite so many
workers. Even if the workers were invisible, they
would probably still at least hurt some of the guards
mildly. So, anyway, this actually seemed like another
stroke of good luck for good ol' Wang Wang and Lou.
I mean, it really wouldn't take too much effort to beat
up the guards. Just give them all a good kick, and
they would be pretty much beat up, as most of their
work had already been done for them. So, Lou and
Wang Wang ordered their workers to kick all the
guards so they could once again become visible. So,
they walked around the Magic Room of Doors and
began kicking all the guards. As soon as the last guard
had been kicked, they all became visible again, and
there was much rejoicing. As a reward for doing their
job so well, Mathilde approached Wang Wang and
Lou and... never mind. Now, as happens about every
350 words or so in this story, without fail, Wang
Wang and Lou had another dilemma. They realized
that they were in the Magic Room of Doors. There
were 8,793 doors in the Magic Room of Doors, and
no one knew how to get out. I mean, considering the
room was magic, those doors could lead to just about
anywhere. So, Wang Wang and Lou together formulated an idea. They decided to ask one of their workers to, at random, choose a door and enter through it.
He enthusiastically agreed to this seemingly harmless
task and chose a door to enter. He opened the door,
and walked right into the middle of the Great Barrier
Reef. At first he thought that was great, because it
was pretty, but in five seconds he was viciously eaten
by a shark. Wang Wang and Lou decided they better
not all follow him through that door. They asked
another worker to open a door, and he did, and ended
up falling into the fiery depths of Hell. At this point,
they decided that their plan was a bad one. I mean, if
the last door went to Hell, where would the next door
lead? Texas? It was a risk they simply weren't willing
to take. They refused to run the possibility of forcibly,
albeit accidentally, forcing one of their beloved workers into Texas. So, their problem was not yet solved,
and they needed to hurry. The guards were beginning
to regain consciousness following their ass kicking.
Wang Wang and Lou weren't sure if they'd react
angrily or have respect for the people that put them in
their current state. But, they didn't want to risk the
chance that they might want revenge, so they had to
come up with a plan in a hurry. Lou finally decided
that the best way to successfully leave the Magic
Room of Doors would be to...
first finally rid the world of those freaking
8,793 guards— forever. No more giving them a book
to read and no more pulling their teeth. It was time to
let these communist bastards rot in hell for eternity.
So Wang Wang and Lou got a team together in an
assembly line. They basically picked up the bodies,
handed them down the line, and scooped them into
the door to Hell. Satan thanked Wang Wang and Lou
for his new 8,793 prisoners, and in exchange, Satan
gave back Wang Wang his two suffering workers.
Satan refused to tell Wang Wang how to get out of the
room, but he did say the way out was either between
the Red Door or the Blue Door. Satan said one door
led to an endless maze and labyrinth, while the other
led to North Korea. Mathilde was drunk off her ass,
so she wasn’t any help. Wang Wang turned around
and then saw the Blue and Red Gods of the Magic
Room of Doors. According to Lou, who had studied
them in college, one always told the truth, and the
other always told a lie. Lou said that they both knew
which door was the right one to enter. Unfortunately,
Lou didn’t know how to decipher if the Red one was
the truth teller or the liar, and he didn’t know how to
decipher if the Blue one was the truth teller or the liar.
Wang Wang thought for a while, and then he said he
had the answer. All his workers were relieved,
because they didn’t want to go to Texas. Wang Wang
went up to the Blue One and said “Hey! I want to
live. Since that is the case, which door would the Red
guy say to enter?” The Blue God replied: “He would
say enter the Red One!” Wang Wang went into the
Blue Door immediately. Everyone was afraid— what
if he had entered the wrong door? There was no way
to tell, so everyone put their faith into Wang Wang
and they all followed him into the Blue door. He was
right! They were back in North Korea! “How did you
know to enter the Blue door?” Wang Wang had everyone sit down. “Okay. Thanks to Satan we all knew
that the only way to get home was through either the
Red Door or Blue Door. One led to an eternal maze,
the other on was home. Who knows where all the
other doors led? Any ways, I still don’t know which
door is the Truth teller and which is the Liar. Yes, it is
true! But here’s my explanation. Let’s assume that the
Blue God is the Truth Teller. If so, he was telling the
truth when he told me that the Red God (the liar)
would say ‘Enter Me.’ So, since Red would be lying,
naturally, I would enter the Blue Door. However, let’s
say that the Blue God is the Liar. If so, he was telling
a lie when he told me that the Red God (the truth
teller) would say ‘Enter Me.’ So, since Blue would be
lying about what Red would say, naturally, I would
enter the Blue Door. It is a foolproof plan.” Everyone
was stunned by Wang Wang’s superior intelligence.
Then Enrique the delivery boy came and gave Wang
Wang his daily paper. The leading headline read:
“ANARCHY NO LONGER GOOD.” On the stock
market page, Anarchy Gum had lost all of its value,
and Wang Wang and Lou became very worried.
Democracy was being restored everywhere, and anarchy and communism were no longer found anywhere
in the world. Even in North Korea, democratic elections had again been held and Dick Vitale was very
successfully leading the country. All of this, of course,
marked the end of the Anarchy Gum factories. But
Wang Wang and Lou, the inseparable brotherly duo,
had a loyal working crew of 36 men plus Mathilde the
Tooth Fairy. The gang decided to take their entrepeneurshipal qualities and relocate in New Orleans,
Louisiana. The gang opened up...
a new Democracy Gum factory. They realized
that there really wasn't anything about their gum that
made it "anarchic." Hey, you know, it was just fancy
gum that kept your teeth in. Anyway, they figured that
they would take advantage of the popularity of
democracy by opening their new Democracy Gum
factory. Another reason that they could do this is that
they already knew how to make the gum. They would
simply need different packaging. Also, they already
had a factory. Wang Wang just called those people
that can move houses on those trucks that have the
big yellow "wide load" signs on the back, and asked if
they could transport the factory from Des Moines to
New Orleans for them. The response on the other line
filled Lou and Wang Wang and the gang with joy.
Wang Wang was their 500th customer! He got the factory moved for free! To this, Lou began to do a dance
that he liked to call the "Yay! We got our factory
moved for free!" dance. It was the first time it had
ever been performed. Unfortunately, due to the fact
that he was just a mere rookie when it comes to that
dance, he accidentally messed it up. The "Yay! We got
our factory moved for free!" dance is actually incredibly similar to the "Hey, I got an idea! Let's invite
Satan to come up from Hell and let him join us in our
quest to make Democracy Gum" dance. So, instead of
doing the "Yay! We got our factory moved for free!"
dance, he did the "Hey, I got an idea! Let's invite
Satan to come up from Hell and let him join us in our
quest to make Democracy Gum" dance. Obviously,
because Lou is a natural lighting technician, the eventual goal of his dance came through. The earth began
to shake and the ground opened up, and Satan came
through the crack. He grabbed the factory as well as
Wang Wang and his merry men and flew them all to
New Orleans. It was about time to get to work on the
gum, but first, because it was Mardi Gras, Satan
decided to hit up New Orleans and try to get some hot
women to flash him. He was successful, and when he
was done, he decided to return to the factory, which
Wang Wang and Lou had already got running. But,
Satan had an idea. He decided to add a special spice
that would force anyone who chewed the gum to sell
their soul to Satan. Now, Wang Wang and Lou and the
gang didn't like this idea so much, but who's going to
argue with Satan? So, Satan went along with his plan,
and added the spice to the gum. As the gum went out
on the market, everyone that chewed it immediately
died and went to Hell. But, Satan underestimated the
popularity of this gum. So many people died from it
and went to Hell, Satan was forced to immediately
return to Hell to torture them all. At this point, Wang
Wang stopped making the gum, and decided maybe,
after such a poor experience, to quit the gum making
industry. So, the Democracy Gum factory was now
closed. But, they still had a big factory. There was
plenty they could do with a factory and a gang of
workers. And don't forget the tooth fairy! The options
were plentiful, but in the end they decided to be
somewhat scandalous, so they opened a store, just for
adults and minors with fake IDs called...
Chapter 6
Tom Green emerges
Fight Club. The first rule about Fight Club is
that you do not talk about Fight Club. The second rule
about Fight Club is that you do not talk about Fight
Club. If you forgot the first rule, it is that you do not
talk about Fight Club. The second, if you recall, is
that you do not talk about Fight Club. Wang Wang
and Lou cooked up some DiGiorno's frozen pizza for
the inaugural meeting. Two of the workers volunteered and went at it. They beat each other up, and
things were going great, until a stamp suddenly fell
from the ceiling. The stamp, which had a rhino in a
pink tutu on it, suddenly came alive. The rhino,
although miniature, was vicious, and he threatened
Mathilde as well as everyone participating in Fight
Club. Wang Wang would not stand for this, and he
and Lou decided to take on the 10 inch rhino in an
epic Fight Club battle. The fight to the death would
forever change the history of the world, if you define
the world as being confined to the basement of the
New Orleans factory. Other than that, the fight wasn’t
really that important. Any ways, the rhino seemed to
be outmatched, but he was quite a fighter. Wang Wang
and Lou were prepared to defend Fight Club with all
their might, especially since they were sick of trying
new businesses and governments. For once, they
wished that something or someone wouldn’t come
along and threaten things. But this rhino from the far
off land of Stampopolis had come to Fight Club via
his magic stamp powers, and was now threatening
Wang Wang and Lou’s underground factory.
Apparently, the rhino, named Etiquette Gringo, was
offended by Wang Wang and Lou’s plan to turn the
factory into an Amish pizza making factory on the
main floor, while maintaining Fight Club in the basement. But back to the fight. It just so happened that...
although Etiquette Gringo was an incredible
fighter for his size, he just was unable to overcome
the incredible size advantage that Wang Wang and
Lou had. So, Wang Wang and Lou had very little trouble killing Etiquette Gringo. They walked over to the
mini rhino, and stepped on him. So, he's dead. Wang
Wang decided to celebrate their victory by making
another three DiGiorno's frozen pizzas and a few bottles of Yoo-Hoo. Little did Wang Wang and Lou know
that Yoo-Hoo is quite possibly the world’s most disgusting drink, so after they both tried it, they decided
to just get a couple of glasses of ice water. As they sat
down to enjoy their delicious pizza, Enrique the delivery boy just waltzed on in there. As it turns out,
Enrique delivered more than just newspapers. He also
delivered all sorts of other goods, such as prostitutes,
Liquid Drano, crack, and, of course, pizza! Well,
Enrique was furious. He immediately yelled at Wang
Wang and Lou. "Hey guys. What's up with DiGiorno?
Huh? After all the updates I gave you about the economy of the world, you won't even order a pizza from
me? Is my pizza not good enough for you? What's up
with that? Okay, okay, I can understand you not wanting me to bring you whores. I mean, Lou, I know
your background, with your mom and all. Plus, those
girls are really ugly. And, I can even understand you
not wanting my crack. But..." At this point, Mathilde,
having a dirty mind due to her former career as prostitute, chuckled, because she thought it was funny that
Enrique said "I can even understand you not wanting
my crack," thinking Enrique meant something else.
So, Enrique gave her an evil look and continued.
"But, for you not to order my pizza? That's incorrigible." When he finished his bantering, Wang Wang
tried to settle him down. "Sorry Enrique. Actually, we
have no idea who you are. Now, looking back, I guess
I recognize you from before, but how were we supposed to know that you delivered all that other stuff?"
At this point, Enrique's face got quite red, as he said,
"Boy, is my face red. I'm sorry guys. I didn't mean to
lay a diatribe down on you fine blokes. Hey, I'll tell
you what; here's my card. Let me know next time you
want a pizza, or anything, and I'll charge you double."
It seemed like a good deal to Wang Wang and Lou, so
they gladly accepted. Before Enrique left, Lou asked
if he'd like to have a quick go at having a fight. After
all, he had entered the Fight Club. Wang Wang added
that he could fight anyone he wanted. The choice was
entirely his. So, Enrique readily accepted, and chose
to fight...
his alternate personality Tom Green. It was a
great fight, because it looked like only one guy was
fighting. But in fact there were two, and occasionally,
Enrique would just topple over. Everyone was laughing because it looked like Enrique was losing to the
so-called “Mr. Air.” But eventually, Tom got the best
of Enrique and the famous jokester took over
Enrique’s body for good. No longer would either man
be troubled by his multiple personality problem. Tom
now claimed that he could do his TV show 24/7 since
he didn’t have to be Enrique anymore, so this was
good. In fact, Tom Green asked Wang Wang and Lou
to be his sidekicks in his new “Non-stop Everyday
24/7 You Can’t Get Enough of Tom Green Show.”
They agreed, but the workers and Mathilde weren’t
really up for it, so they all just decided to stay in New
Orleans and have sex for a few years. Mathilde, a veteran in the profession, was excited about returning to
it. But enough of the dirty talk. So, the new trio of
comedic geniuses signed a deal with PBS, since PBS
was trying to promote “educational humor.” But little
did PBS know what Tom, Wang Wang, and Lou had
planned for their first national live broadcast. It was
such a hilarious, yet cruel prank, that PBS had to consider whether they wanted to sacrifice their reputation
for ratings. I mean, this prank that the trio pulled was
really humiliating to the station, but it got ratings
through the roof. So many people were watching by
the end of the show that its ratings exceeded those of
the last five Super Bowls combined! Their ultimate
hysterical plan of course succeeded, and the best part
of it was...
the money. After they performed their prank,
they got a new, big money contract to continue their
show, under one condition: they decided that he
couldn’t have his show on 24/7. I mean, face it. That’s
just too much. It can’t stay funny all the time. Instead,
they decided to pay Tom, Wang Wang, and Lou
$500,000,000 a show, which was actually below the
poverty line in 2025. Anyway, PBS had learned from
CBS about the best way to have a show. They remembered that over the summer of 2000, CBS had tremendous success with their show, “Survivor,” but no success with their show “Big Brother.” The reason for
this, PBS guessed, was that “Big Brother” was on
way too much, and no one cared. “Survivor,” on the
other hand, was on just once a week and had people
quite excited to watch every week. At first, Tom was
disappointed. He had finally taken over Enrique’s
body, and he couldn’t wait to be on TV more often
than that tool Regis from “Who Wants to Be a
Millionaire?” But, that wasn’t to be. As the saying
goes, money talks, but $500,000,000 shouts. Tom
decided to give in. Besides, this would give him more
time to come up with other great pranks and have
them on the show every week. Tom also realized that
some of his every day life just isn’t that funny. For
example, there’s nothing funny about Tom sleeping,
or Tom in the shower. No one wants to watch either
one of those. So, if they had a two hour show every
week, that would give Tom the time to put on just the
best stuff. Wang Wang and Lou were also quite happy
about this development. You see, although they have
both done quite a lot since they met, they both considered themselves incredibly lazy. So, they’d rather
work just a little bit, rather than 24 hours a day. But,
the best news for Lou was that now that he was on a
TV show, he could go back to his true calling— he
could once again become Lou the Lighting
Technician. Wang Wang would spend more time actually up on the stage with Tom on the TV show, while
Lou would do more behind the scenes work, although
every once in a while, Lou would be involved with
the show in a more direct way. You see, Lou is an
amazing actor, and his brilliant acting skills should
not be wasted. Lou acquired his amazing acting skills
while performing in plays on Broadway such as
“Cats,” “Rent,” and “Lou, the Starving Three Toed
Frenchmen, and his 40 Tailless, Homophobic Rats,”
where Lou played Tuksberkercainaslan, the King of
the tailless, homophobic rats, which happened to be
an African hummingbird. Wang Wang, interestingly
enough, also had some previous acting experience.
Wang Wang did more exotic, pornographic films than
Lou, however. Back in North Korea, before he started
this whole journey, Wang Wang did porno flicks that
were associated with his occupation as a snake ass
wiper, that catered to the people of North Korea with
dirty assed snake fetishes. So, anyway, Wang Wang
also had experience behind the camera, and definitely
was not shy. Both Wang Wang and Lou used their
previous experiences to their advantages as they did
their first prank that earned them their enormous contract. Their hilarious and cruel prank included...
a trip to the closest high school near PBS’
main station, which was in Seattle, Washington.
Tom’s idea was to have him and Wang Wang do a
“special live TV report” that would inform the nation
on the results of the presidential election. Now, since
we all know that everyone expects Bush to win, Tom
and Wang Wang were going to report that Gore won
by four votes, and that Bush, in humiliation, was just
spotted at Best Buy accepting a job. Apparently, he
had a craving to dress up as that stupid blue box on
the commercials, so the Best Buy managers were taking his waist size and stuff. Meanwhile, Gore was
making his trip to the White House and getting down
to business. But anyway, all that didn’t matter because
PBS wouldn’t allow Tom to do that. Oh well. So, by
now, you’re really wondering what the prank was,
aren’t you? Here goes. Back to that high school. Well,
it was Bacon Sweeney High School, located about 3
miles west of the PBS building. Bacon Sweeney was
a football hero at the school back in the 1960’s when
it used to balled Bitch High. But the officials thought
the name of the school should change, so after Bacon
set a school rushing record of 18 yards in 4 years, the
officials changed the name in honor of the Seattle
football legend that is Bacon Sweeney. So, Tom and
Wang Wang went into a class and kicked the teacher
out. The kids had all read the book by Maya Angelou,
“I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings.” So, Tom told
Wang Wang to distribute the test papers while the students wrote their essays on the book. After 45 minutes, the students turned their papers in, and Tom took
over. “Kids, I am not impressed by what I am reading.
Did you even read this book you little whores? I see
phrases about ‘growing up,’ ‘bicycles,’ and ‘learning
values,’ but where is the caged bird? Do any of you
really know why the caged bird sings? Why does he
sing? Why does he cry out in agony? What did Maya
find out? Maya? Maya? Tell us!” A student named
Equality Robinson raised his hand. Tom called on him
and said, “Equality. Hi. In your paper, you failed to
mention the caged bird. What’s the deal?” Three girls
were crying at this point, knowing they had miserably
failed. Equality tried to justify his paper. “Well, sir,
the caged bird sings because—” Tom butted in. “No
that’s not right. You think you are so smart and stuff.
The truth is, none of you know why the caged bird
sings! The whole book is a waste of time because it
doesn’t tell you why the caged bird sings. The caged
bird isn’t even a character in the book, so all of you
are stupid.” Tom left, Wang Wang gave them all a
mean look, and Lou followed with his camera. All the
students were crying, and it had been a smash hit with
viewers nationwide. It was great to see Tom scolding
those arrogant kids. And everyone, while laughing
really hard, agreed with Tom. I mean, the book doesn’t even pay any attention to a bird. So anyway, for
the second part of the show, the trio...
decided that they could do something a little
more mean. So, to do this, they crossed the street and
grabbed something to eat at “Sloppy Pete’s House of
Sloppy Joe’s” where they all thoroughly enjoyed their
fried bean and pepper, spicy American beef flavored
dolphin casserole with artificial egg whites. Nothing
funny happened while they were eating, and this was
part of the reason that PBS didn’t want them on TV
all the time. That simply would not be necessary. So,
at the end of their meal, they had a big discussion as
to what the tip should be. Tom thought they should tip
the waitress, Mildred, $40 for their $20 meal. To
explain why Tom believed this, he said, “I think we
should definitely tip her no less than 200%. Mildred
was an outstanding waitress. She always had a smile
on her face and she was just so pleasant. She brought
all our food out fairly quickly, and was here just
enough for us to know that she was thinking about us,
but not too much to make it seem like we had a table
for four. And it was great when she offered all of us
sex for no extra charge. Honestly, if I wasn’t so busy
doing my television show right now, I would take her
up on that offer. Not only that, but she was just really
hot. I mean, look at those breasts! Finally, the final
and last final reason I think we should tip her that
amount would be that I feel bad that we kept calling
her Mildred, even though her name is really Kathy.”
Tom truly did make some valid points. But, Wang
Wang and Lou saw it differently, and after conferring
with each other for five minutes, they came to a joint
decision that Wang Wang would give the reasoning as
to why Wang Wang and Lou thought she deserved a
tip of only $2. “Tom, you make some valid points, but
on the whole, I think we tend to believe that you are a
jackass. You see, Tom, long long ago, my brother Lou
and I...” At this point, Tom interrupted Wang Wang
and said “Wait! You mean, you two are brothers?” To
this Wang Wang responded, “Yeah, it’s a long story.”
And Lou added, “My dad boned his mom.” Wang
Wang realized that his comment of ‘Yeah, it’s a long
story’ wasn’t really true. So, he acknowledged that by
saying “Okay, it’s a short story. But, we digress. As I
was saying... long, long ago, my brother Lou and I
went to eat at Cannibal Jorge’s House of Hunan. Now,
I was unable to convince Lou to try an orange fruit
punch flavored mango strawberry citrus fruit juice.
It’s a delicious drink, although I didn’t like it at
CJHH. But, today, I was able to convince him to try
the great drink. He thought it was the greatest drink
he had ever tasted. However, it kept him thirsting for
more. He never got enough orange fruit punch flavored mango strawberry citrus fruit juice. But,
Mildred never ever offered to get Lou more! That’s
intolerable! How could she do that to him? Oh, it was
awful. So, Mildred did an unsatisfactory job refilling
Lou’s drink. Therefore, she only deserves a $2 tip,
instead of the $40 that you earlier so eloquently proposed.” At this point, they decided to split the difference and just tip her $21. Now they all sat there staring at each other in a moment of awkward silence. It
turns out that none of them had actually brought any
money, and they all assumed someone else was planning to pay for their meal. A moment of panic immediately set in. They needed to come up with a way to
sneak out of the restaurant without paying the bill.
Tom, Wang Wang, and Lou put their heads together
and thought of many brilliant plans. Unfortunately,
the plans were too complicated as they would have
included props that they did not have with them, such
as a 25 pound sack of potatoes, a thesaurus, a Rolls
Royce, a box of live worms, a headless mule, and an
authentic cannon used at the Battle of Gettysburg.
Eventually, after three and a half hours of discussion,
fate smiled at Tom, Wang Wang and Lou, as an old
acquaintance walked into the restaurant. It was
Johnno Floblowinstine! Wang Wang and Lou immediately got very excited and hugged each other emphatically, before realizing that that was awkward. Wang
Wang then called Johnno over to their table. He asked
Johnno if he could borrow the $41 to pay for their
meal. Johnno, remembering the good times they had
in the past, said no. But, after thinking about it more,
Johnno changed his mind and said yes. So, Tom,
Wang Wang, and Lou were off the hook this time.
They got up to leave and pay. As soon as they got outside Lou looked in his pocket and realized that he
actually had $41 all along. Tom and Wang Wang got
very upset with Lou and decided to go tag team on
him and give him an atomic wedgie. Lou then became
upset, and was about to attack them back, before he
realized that if he was in their shoes, he would have
done the same thing. But, now it was time to perform
the second half of their show. To do this, our fabulous
trio went to the local elementary school, which happened to be by an old folks home, which happened to
be by an old abandoned warehouse where they used
to make treadless tires for Ford Model T’s, which
happened to be close to a small cemetery, which happened to be right next to “Angry Muhammad And His
25 Happy, Yet Brutally Smelling, Mechanics,” all of
which happened to lie on an ancient Indian burial
ground. All of these places had something very important to do with their terrific prank, although this one
was a tad more offensive. In the prank, the trio...
kidnapped a third grade student named
Horatio. They took him to the old folks home across
the street and told him that “This lady is your grandmother. Your other grandmother was just a fake. She
was really a dragon that served Satan and she was
going to breathe fire on you and kill you.” Horatio
graciously thanked the trio for informing him about
his fire breathing “grandmother” and for introducing
him to his new grandmother. This old lady was known
as Bessie, even though she really liked Cheerios and
not Lucky Charms. Bessie was so old and senile that
she actually thought Horatio was her grandson. So,
the trio’s plan was going perfect. They knew what
would happen next as they kept filming. Bessie took
her new “grandson” on an emotional walk to the
Model T Tire Plant across the street and explained to
Horatio how she had once stolen her dad’s Model T to
run away and become a professional snake ass wiper.
At this point, Wang Wang could not believe his ears.
Not only was their prank taking a sensational and
very non-humorous turn, but Wang Wang sensed that
he had a connection with this woman, and it wasn’t
just that they shared a passion for wiping snake asses.
It was something more, like that feeling you get when
you are swimming and you feel like a frog even
though you just had some Dorito chips and you know
that the Chance card you just drew in Monopoly didn’t really say “Go to Boardwalk.” Nevertheless, Wang
Wang patiently waited to see if he could unearth some
more facts about Bessie before he came to a conclusion on what was really going on. So Bessie went on,
telling Horatio that she had indeed abandoned her
father. “Your great grandfather was so upset when I
left that he died of sadness a few weeks later.” Of
course, the trio knew all of this about Bessie, and now
she had led Horatio to the cemetery where Horatio’s
“great grandfather” was buried. How did the trio
know everything about Bessie (so that the prank
would work), yet they had overlooked her snake ass
wiping days? This puzzled Wang Wang. Nevertheless,
the show was getting great ratings, because a Mexican
kid believed that this was his grandmother, and this
senile old lady was just wonderful and sweet. Then,
Bessie introduced Horatio to his new father. “This is
my son Kimani. He is the best mechanic in all of
Seattle. He is your real father.” Now, Horatio, Kimani,
and Bessie were all caught up in the lie. Or was it a
lie after all? Wang Wang had a strong suspicion that
Satan, whom they had encountered in the Magic
Room of Doors in Des Moines, actually did have
dealings with Horatio’s original grandmother. Maybe
fate had been leading Wang Wang to do this entire
“prank” in order to learn something about himself.
Maybe, as he suspected, Tom was Satan’s left horn.
And maybe Lou was an escaped alligator convict who
had raped flamingos before turning into a human. It
just so happened that since this was all on a sacred
and ancient Indian burial ground, Wang Wang could
find all of these answers to his life’s mysteries by
going to the special praying wall. So, Wang Wang
excused himself from the live taping of the show, and
went to the very northwestern edge of Seattle, which
was of course, the Indian Praying Wall. As Wang
Wang seemed to go into a deep sleep, he discovered
within himself the power to release Chief Buffalo
Sunday, the holiest of all Indian Gods. Buffalo told
Wang Wang all he needed to know...
Chapter 7
Party at the Magic Room of
Doors!
and it was a test to Wang Wang’s belief in fate
as to whether he’d believe the amazing story that was
about to be told to him. Luckily for fate, Wang Wang
enjoyed living life on the edge. In fact, he liked the
edge so much, that he actually went into his deep
sleep on top of the Indian Praying Wall, and while
above the wall, he fell off. Metaphorically, I suppose,
this was a message to Wang Wang that he should settle down and discontinue living his life on the edge.
But, as we all know from Wang Wang’s numerous
adventures, he would never back down from his style
of life, because it was the only style of life he knew.
So, Wang Wang listened well to Chief Buffalo
Sunday, and the good Chief told him all he needed to
know. It turns out that Wang Wang’s mother was actually a lesbian. She was having a “relationship” with
Bessie. Well, Bessie, as it was earlier mentioned, was
a professional snake ass wiper. Bessie was the dominant figure in her relationship with Mary. Mary was
just a simple mistress. She would sleep with married
men and and then have babies and then collect the
child support money. So, obviously, Bessie had the
more respected occupation, which was quite sad, considering that she was just a snake ass wiper. So, due
to the fact that Bessie had this coveted gig, Bessie and
Mary both pushed Mary’s legitimate son, Wang
Wang, towards the field of professional snake ass
wiping. Mary planned on telling Wang Wang of this,
but, well, she just forgot. You have to understand,
however, that she was busy looking for rich married
men to seduce. Anyway, by the time that Wang Wang
was born, Bessie returned back to Seattle to live in a
retirement home, because, as it is well known, professional snake ass wipers have the shortest life span of
all the professional animal ass wiping fields.
However, miraculously, because she entered the
retirement home at the young age of 30, she managed
to live far past her expected life span. Every day when
she wakes up, she gets so surprised that she’s actually
alive that she soils herself. But, that’s just gross.
Anyway though, when Bessie was going through her
experimental heterosexual stage, she had crazy, wild
sex with her assistant at her snake ass wiping store
and had a son. Her son she named SirLancealot and
SirLancealot had a son with a Canadian documentary
film director named Eva and they named their son
Horatio. When Horatio was born, SirLancealot and
Eva decided to move with their son to Seattle,
because of Seattle’s reputation of having the best
gyros in the world, first class crack houses, and very
little rain. Now, if you noticed earlier (and I know that
you did), it said that Bessie claimed that Horatio’s
father was actually Kimani. That is true, and quite
complicated. Well, it’s really not that complicated.
Basically, what happened was that Bessie didn’t think
that SirLancealot was capable of successfully raising
Horatio, so she, being the kleptomaniac that she is,
stole Horatio from her son SirLancealot and gave
Horatio to an orphanage. Bessie would have taken
care of Horatio, but she was sure she’d die soon, as
has already been discussed, and she didn’t want to
burden Horatio with that. So, Horatio went to the
orphanage. But, when Bessie saw Horatio once again
when Wang Wang, Lou, and Tom brought Horatio to
her, she felt bad about her decision. So, she grabbed
the nicest looking man off the street, and told Horatio
that that man would be his father. This man happened
to be Kimani. He didn’t really want to be Horatio’s
father, but Bessie threatened to turn the Mafia on him
if he refused, so he said he’d follow through on it.
When the whole prank was over, Horatio was going
home with Kimani. But, when Kimani got out of sight
from the retirement home, he violently kicked Horatio
out of the car, and Horatio went flying and landed
somewhere in Pullman, Washington. Kimani thought
he had gotten away with it, but one can never escape
the omnipresent figure that is the Prince of Darkness.
Now, granted, according to Christianity, Lucifer isn’t
really omnipresent, but Christianity is wrong in some
aspects, and this happens to be one of them. So, Satan
got very upset, and went to tell Bessie what happened.
Bessie immediately became furious, and called upon
the ghosts of the Indian burial ground to get their
revenge on Kimani. To do this, they...
pretty much just killed Kimani. So he died and
went to hell. Tom Green then tried to sell his soul to
the devil in exchange for eternal power over all dan-
delions and beetles, but Satan cast a spell on him that
would make Tom think he was destined to become
Pygmalion, ruler of a pact of land in Saudi Arabia that
measured no more then five square feet. Needless to
say, Tom went off to his new country and seemingly
prosperous life. So, to much surprise, Wang Wang and
Lou were out of a job again. No more TV show on
PBS. They still had a lot of money from Anarchy
Gum and the short-lived but very popular show with
Tom. Wang Wang, in a very uncharacteristic move,
came up with an idea. He would throw a wild party
with all of his friends from his long journey of life.
Not that his life was even near over, but Wang Wang
felt he needed to acknowledge all of those who had
helped him along his way before moving on with his
life. Only two people declined Wang Wang’s invitation to the party: the Statue of Liberty and the
International Sandwich Maker Extraordinaire. But
everyone else came. The party was held in The Magic
Room of Doors in Des Moines. Even some dead people came: Petie the Raccoon, Etiquette Gringo the
rhino, Kimani, the 8,793 guards, Wang Wang’s uncle
Copernicus Clownpenis, and Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Wang Wang also invited the blind seven fingered
homeless man, of course his brother Lou, the 36 faithful workers, the two restaurant owners Cannibal Jorge
and Sloppy Pete, the lesbian lovers Mary Wang Wang
and Bessie, from the future Pierre and Wang Wang
2025, North Korea’s political adviser Stromile Soap,
Mighty Mouse, Mishi Akoobu the newscaster, the
South Korean roadside worker, Enrique the delivery
boy who was actually Tom Green, Johnno
Floblowinstine, Wang Wang’s very special Grandpa
Magoo, the angry mob of two men, Mathilde the
Tooth Fairy, the Village People, Mr. Guinness and Mr.
Richter, the Blue and Red Gods (who were pissed
because they went all the way to Seattle to call Wang
Wang without long distance charges that they would
come to his party, only to return to their home where
the party was in the first place*), North Korean
President Dick Vitale, Satan the Prince of Darkness
(who turned out to be a party maniac— he brought
tons of chips and Coke), Equality Robinson the student from Bacon Sweeney HS, Kathy the waitress,
Horatio, Chief Buffalo Sunday, and last but not least,
SirLancealot. *The asterisk denotes that Wang Wang
heard on the phone from the Red God or the Blue
God that they would attend the party. The trouble was,
Wang Wang didn’t know if it was the liar or the truth
teller. But, since they were both at the party, it was the
truth teller, whichever color that guy was. Any ways,
the party started off with some groovy songs such as
“Magic Carpet Ride.” Then the Village People came
on and played their two hits before retiring into submission. After the music died down, everyone was
mingling and having a great time. It was at about this
time that Wang Wang again sensed something remarkable within his inner self. Needless to say, Wang
Wang felt...
a vibrating in his chest that seemed to come
and go every couple seconds. It happened for about
three minutes until Wang Wang began to feel very
worried. At this point, Wang Wang went to the corner
to examine himself, and try to determine what was
wrong. He took off his jacket, and immediately heard
something thump on the ground. He looked down and
saw that it was just his cell phone. At first, this kind
of scared Wang Wang, because he remembered that he
didn’t have a cell phone. But, he picked up the cell
phone anyway, and saw that, sure enough, it was on
vibrator. It turns out that the phone was really
Mathilde’s, because she really enjoyed having things
vibra... nevermind. But, at this point, the phone had
been ringing for over five minutes, and Wang Wang
thought it would be best if he would just answer it
already. So, he did. On the other line was Tom. Wang
Wang got confused, because he thought that when he
invited Enrique he was in effect inviting Enrique and
Tom. But, this was not the case. Only Enrique was
officially invited, and Tom is quite a shy guy, and
doesn’t like to be at parties for which he did not
receive a formal invitation to. So, Tom decided to stay
in Saudi Arabia and miss the party. Wang Wang
immediately felt bad. He said that he’d invite Tom to
come too, but he didn’t know for sure how long the
party would last, and Des Moines is a hell of a ways
away from Saudi Arabia. But, Tom had an answer. He
loved parties, and was hurt that he wasn’t invited to
this one, until now. He knew just the way to get to the
party. He asked Wang Wang to open all the doors in
the room. One of them led straight to his bedroom in
Saudi Arabia. So, Wang Wang wasn’t thrilled with
this, because there were a helluva a lot of doors, but
he decided that for his good friend Tom, he would do
it. But, he needed some help. He asked Shoeless Joe
to help him open the doors. When they had opened
the last door, it was finally the right one. At this point,
Wang Wang said “You know, it’s always the last door
you open.” Shoeless Joe didn’t want to get into that
conversation again. So, they both just greeted good
ol’ Tom. Tom entered the party, and, oddly, the party
immediately died. There was something about Tom
that didn’t equate to fun. For some odd reason, Tom
just wasn’t really a fun guy. Tom actually had a good
explanation for this, and his explanation was...
was that all the 8,793 doors were still open,
and Tom just got nervous when he was around a lot of
open doors. So they closed them all, and the party
resumed. But things just weren’t the same. They were
all in a secluded room in Des Moines and it was just
really lame. So they decided to play a massive game
of Truth or Dare. Satan by now was drunk, and he
elected to go first. He asked Cannibal Jorge, “Truth or
Dare?” Cannibal, also drunk, regrettedly said “Dare!”
Satan let out a huge laugh, and immediately informed
Cannibal that because of his decision, everyone would
have to walk through a door that Satan himself would
choose in no more than two minutes. Cannibal tensed
up and told everyone the tragic news. They all
thought they were doomed to hell, and that Satan
would indeed send them through that door. But what
if Satan was really the nice guy that he had seemed to
be earlier? Maybe he would have mercy on all the
guests and send them to Texas. But that wouldn’t be
that good either. Wang Wang tried to reason with
Satan, but to no avail. Satan then closed his eyes,
spun around with his finger pointed out, and then he
stopped, and said “Go through that door! The one I’m
pointing at!” So everyone did. When they got to the
other side, things weren’t as bad as they could have
been. But they were no longer in a familiar dimension, and they were no longer bound by the laws of
physics. Each guest to Wang Wang’s party now discovered he had a superpower that he could use. But
did that matter now that Earth was in a different
dimension? The crowd gathered, once again looking
to Wang Wang for leadership. Now they were really
in a plight. How could they get back to Earth? Where
were they? Or maybe they didn’t want to return to
Earth, so they could just stay here, use their superpowers, and have dirty sex with Mathilde in order to
procreate. Among the other strange things that were
associated with the “place” they were now in were...
a dirty old French Nazi attempting to kiss his
own ass and also a door, that seemingly went to no
where, with a sign posted on it that said “Hey! This is
for Wang Wang and his many party guests. Please
enter this door. Nothing but tons of fun is inside!”
Grandpa Magoo was skeptical. He didn’t really enjoy
having fun. He’d rather sit at home and watch his feet
bleed. But, everyone else thought it was a smashing
idea! So, before they all entered the door, Johnno
Floblowinstine realized that Satan never entered into
this crazy dimension. He began to wonder if that
would be the best idea. But, on second thought, he
realized that he couldn’t resist a sign that included the
phrase “tons of fun,” so he decided to keep his mouth
shut. Interestingly, had he said anything, fate would
have had them become scared, and collectively as a
group, they would not have entered the door. If this
were to happen, they would have formed their own
secret society, with Lou as the official president, and
Wang Wang as the official vice president, although
Wang Wang would actually serve the president’s
duties while Lou would actually serve the vice president’s duties. The group would have created a utopia
and lived in peaceful bliss forever, never to face any
conflict again. But, Johnno kept his mouth shut, so,
fortunately, none of that actually happened, and our
story can continue. So, the group entered the door. On
the other side of the door was The Magic Room of
Doors. Satan was sitting on a mini refrigerator filled
with ecto-cooler in the middle of the room. Satan was
laughing hysterically. It was all just a big prank.
However, no one found the prank funny. As had been
previously discussed, the reason they started playing
“Truth or Dare” was because the party had become so
lame. But, what had just transpired was not fun, and
they all decided to stop playing “Truth or Dare” at
this point. Everyone just looked angry for a while.
Satan began to feel bad about what he had done to
everyone, so he went to one of the many corners of
the giant room to think about what he had done. Satan
never really likes to hurt people’s feelings. When he
saw that he had made so many people unhappy, by his
thoughtless game, he was crushed, and decided to
punish himself. When he did this, that gave everyone
else the opportunity to talk together, without Satan
hearing. As they got to talking, they all decided that
they would have to do something to get Satan back
for his cruel prank. After careful and long deliberation, they realized that Satan was leaving his corner,
so they would need to hurry. At this point, Wang
Wang realized he needed to take charge. He said,
“Okay, okay. I have an idea. Let’s force Satan to go to
Texas. I know, I know. I never thought anyone could
ever do anything bad enough to merit that type of
vicious punishment, but I really think Satan crossed
the line big time here, and I’m drawing a blank as to
another punishment we can deal him. So, I think we
should force him to go to Texas.” At first, everyone
seemed hesitant to agree to this idea. After all, Texas
is the worst place anyone could ever go. No one has
ever deserved to have to go to Texas, but they were
running low on ideas here, and they had to do something. So, in a unanimous vote, they decided to make
Satan go to Texas. They knew one of the doors led to
Texas, but they weren’t quite sure which one it was.
So, they were faced with the dilemma of how to figure out which door led to Texas, and in a hurry. Not
only that, but once they found the door, they had to
think of a way to get Satan to enter the door. It
seemed like a difficult task, and they were running out
of time. Luckily, Petie the dead Raccoon, who was
formerly the Dictator of North Korea before getting
shot in the genitals repeatedly by a South Korean
roadside worker, had a brilliant plan. Petie the
Raccoon’s plan was to...
lure Satan to Texas by telling him all about the
cleverly named NFL expansion team, the Houston
Texans. Clearly, Satan was captivated by this new
team and its creative name, but he asked everyone,
“Why should I really go Texas other than this awesome football team?” Poor Satan seemed somewhat
tired and sad as he was truly seeking his friends’
advice. Some of them felt bad for punishing Satan,
especially the 36 loyal workers. So they volunteered
to go with Satan if they could comprise the expansion
football team. Satan agreed. After all, he would need
some players. “But why should I take over this
team?” Wang Wang stepped forward, putting his arm
around Satan. “Satan, walk with me buddy.” So they
strolled along, with Satan looking like a sad puppy
trying to understand such a wise man as Wang Wang.
“Do you realize that the last powerful man to own a
Texas professional sports team is now in the running
for President of the United States of America?” Satan
did not realize this, but he found it very enticing. With
the 36 extremely talented workers turned football
stars, he could build up a dominant NFL team and
then use that popularity to become the President of
the United States. Then he could take over the U.S.
and continue with other countries. Soon enough, the
universe would be his. In thanking his compadres for
their suggestion of Texas, Satan granted renewed life
to Petie the Raccoon, Etiquette Gringo the rhino,
Kimani, the 8,793 guards, Wang Wang’s uncle
Copernicus Clownpenis, and Shoeless Joe Jackson.
So, he and the workers went on their way to Texas.
Only time will tell if Satan’s conquest would truly
formulate to his wishes. But for now, let us go back to
our other smorgasbord of characters, still in the Magic
Room of Doors. With Satan gone, the Red and Blue
Gods decided to use their powers to play another
prank on everyone. They summoned all the doors to
disappear, and then they became doors themselves—
the only two. Again, one led to hell, the other led to
the Des Moines International Subway. Wang Wang
sighed, and pulled out his old tricks. He went up to
the Blue One and said “Hey! I want to live. Since that
is the case, which door would the Red guy say to
enter?” The gods were pissed and dumbfounded.
Wang Wang had outwitted them again. So, the gang
found themselves in the subway. Copernicus
Clownpenis, ecstatic about his second chance in life,
told everyone exactly where he wanted to go via the
subway. “In my life, I never got the chance, but I
always wanted to...
Chapter 8
The South Dakota Period
go to the Corn Palace, in Mitchell, South
Dakota.” The Corn Palace at times holds sporting
events in its arena (according to http://www.cornpalace.org/cornpalace.html, from the official web
page for The Mitchell Area Chamber of Commerce).
Not only had Copernicus Clownpenis always wanted
to go to the Corn Palace, but he also had a great love
for basketball, and nothing would have made him
happier than to have the opportunity to see the
Harlem Globetrotters play Les Aigles de Meyrin,
which is a wheelchair basketball team from
Switzerland. So, the whole lot of them took the Des
Moines International Subway from one of the main
international subway hubs in Des Moines to the only
larger subway hub in the world in Mitchell.
Obviously, none of Wang Wang and Co. could get a
seat on the subway, because the trip from Des Moines
to Mitchell is the most popular subway trip in history.
They were lucky they even all got to get on! They
were packed ridiculously tight in the car, and
Etiquette Gringo’s horns continually poked the many
passengers in the ass. Actually, he poked Shoeless Joe
so hard that he died. But, Satan felt all the way from
Texas what had happened, and decided that Shoeless
Joe hadn’t yet had the opportunity to take advantage
of his second life, so he decided to give him a third,
and brought him back yet again. Finally, after a grueling journey, they arrived at beautiful Mitchell, South
Dakota, and went to the Corn Palace to see what was
going on. As they arrived at the amazingly breathtaking facility they saw a sign that said, in just two
hours, the Harlem Globetrotters would, in fact, be
playing Les Aigles de Meyrin in the Corn Palace!
Copernicus Clownpenis couldn’t believe his luck, and
he immediately started jumping up and down merrily.
However, as he was doing this, he tripped on the curb
at the side of the road, fell into the street, and was
immediately killed by a speeding taxi. So, that was a
shame, but no one really liked that senile, grizzled,
feeble-minded, old gent anyway. Everyone got over it
pretty quickly. But, although no one liked Copernicus
Clownpenis, everyone did agree that going to the bas-
ketball game was an extraordinary idea. So, it took
about an hour and a half to clean the mess made by
Copernicus Clownpenis when he was killed. When
they were done, they went to the ticket window and
asked for enough tickets to get them all into the Corn
Palace. But, uh oh! There was a problem! The event
was already sold out. They would have to take it to
the streets and find some scalpers. Everyone went off
in pairs, because they realized that they would probably have a problem finding one guy selling enough
tickets for everyone to sit together. But, if everyone
went off in search of tickets with a partner, then at
least no one would be alone. Everyone got into the
game with their partner just fine, except for one
group. This one group was Wang Wang and Lou.
While everyone else had enough luck to be able to
buy their tickets, at face value no less, Wang Wang
and Lou had problems. You see, Wang Wang and Lou
had the misfortune of running into some undercover
female cops. Obviously, at an event as momentous as
a game between the Harlem Globetrotters and Les
Aigles de Meyrin in the Corn Palace, there is going to
be some scalping going on. So, when Wang Wang and
Lou agreed to buy to tickets from these undercover
cops at $150 a piece, they were in trouble with the
law. The face value was only $15 each. If it were only
for that, Wang Wang and Lou probably would have
gotten out of their legal difficulties with nothing more
than the figurative slap on the wrist. However, unfortunately, the cops were incredibly attractive. Wang
Wang and Lou discussed this as soon as they saw
them, and they decided that if they did get the tickets,
and all seemed to go well, they would also ask if they
would like to play the role as their prostitutes after the
game. They were willing to give a lot of money. Well,
that’s illegal too. So, as soon as they explained that
they were cops, Wang Wang and Lou decided to flee
the scene, which was kind of a bad thing to do, considering they were supposed to meet their friends in
the Corn Palace “Lobby of Corn.” But, they had to
get out of there. So, Wang Wang and Lou sprinted to
the subway, and quickly decided that the best place to
flee would be to...
the local cartography store. In order to get out
of Mitchell quickly so as to avoid the women cops,
Wang Wang would flip a quarter 100 times, and Lou
would do the same. Whoever got more heads would
then pick a globe in the store. Then, the loser would
spin the globe, while the winner would point until the
globe stopped. Then, the brothers would go there.
Clearly, this intelligent plan was the quickest way for
them to avoid getting arrested for not only scalping,
but whorring themselves and resisting arrest as well.
In the heated battle, Wang Wang took a quick lead at
39-27, but he faltered in the end as Lou went on
amazing streak, landing 14 heads in a row at one
point. Even though he was crushed by his defeat,
Wang Wang reluctantly spun the globe of Lou’s
choice, and as it stopped, Lou was pointing straight at,
you guessed it— Pierre, South Dakota. Luckily, the
international subway had one more train set to go out
in precisely 18 minutes. So the brothers got on that
train, and they began to talk about what they could do
once they arrived in Pierre. Not only did they have to
reunite with their friends, but they also had to find out
who won the basketball game. Wang Wang then
pointed out that they should probably clear their
names while they were at it. Being wanted by the law
wasn’t good. Lou agreed, and then Lou saw it. It was
a sign. As we know, all subway trains have those ads
everywhere inside. Well, next to an old Anarchy Gum
advertisement, Lou spotted a WANTED sign. It read:
“WANTED: Two white females, approximately 20-30
years old, roughly 5’3” to 5’8” in height, for disguising themselves as fake cops.” Lou and Wang Wang
were off the hook! But they felt obligated to turn in
these real two crooks, no matter how attractive they
were. So Wang Wang got a phone book when they
arrived in Pierre, and found the local police station’s
telephone number. “Deputy Larson speaking. How
may I help you?” Wang Wang replied, “Hello. Real
cops? I have some very important information for you
about two wanted criminals...”
“they are 5’3” to 5’8” in height, and they have
been disguising themselves as fake cops.” To this,
Deputy Larson replied that that didn’t help them at all
because that’s what was already on the sign. Wang
Wang realized his gaff, and added that the women
were “outside the Corn Palace pretending to be undercover cops and they were trying to catch scalpers.”
Deputy Larson thought this was a little odd that Wang
Wang would know that, and he asked how Wang
Wang knew about that. Wang Wang, in a clever
attempt to avoid incriminating himself, decided to
come up with a story. His story was very elaborate,
and would have worked to perfection. However, when
it came time to tell the story, he got very nervous, and
accidentally just told the truth. So, at this point, Wang
Wang and Lou once again had the cops coming after
them. Once Wang Wang realized this second mistake,
he decided that they needed to make a run for it.
Unfortunately, they had no idea what “it” was. They
decided to go to check into a hotel and hide out until
they discovered a better plan. When they entered the
lobby of the hotel called “The Greatest Hotel in the
Pierre, South Dakota Metropolitan Area,” (or
TGHITPSDMA, for short), they looked at the TV and
saw the highlights from the Harlem Globetrotters Les Aigles de Meyrin game on SportsCenter. Les
Aigles de Meyrin won the game 104-61 on a last second dunk by Eduardo Eigleshofferentow. E-E is the
Michael Jordan of basketball. Well, wheelchair basketball anyway. They also saw two people in the bar
fighting viciously over the game. One had on a
Globetrotters shirt, and the other did too, so, they
were somewhat confused as to what they were fighting over. They were tempted to go and ask, but they
decided that they better not, because entering a bar
fight would be a bad idea, considering they were, at
the moment, trying to avoid the cops. As they got to
the counter, they asked to reserve a room, and they
realized they would have to give their name. At this
point, Wang Wang thought back to long ago when he
first came to America, and how he first avoided the
law. He decided to give the worker the name, “Jeffrey
Dahmer.” It worked before, and Wang Wang figured it
would work again. So, all was looking up and rosy at
this point and Wang Wang and Lou went to their
room; number 666. That was kind of ironic, they
thought, considering their associations with the Devil,
but they just laughed it off. When Wang Wang and
Lou entered the room, they were shocked by what
they saw. It scared them incredibly. But, it had nothing to do with Satan. A painting on the wall was just
very crooked. It was almost sideways, for crying out
loud. So, Wang Wang fixed that, and they both sat on
the bed, trying to figure out what to do, but Lou got
uncomfortable sitting so closely to Wang Wang, so he
got up and sat on the chair. Unfortunately, the chair
broke, and Lou went crashing to the ground. Being a
resilient young man, Lou got up, and sat on the table.
However, that also broke, and Lou fell again. But,
Lou wouldn’t be phased by his mammoth misfortune.
He got back up, and decided to sit on the ground. At
this point, Wang Wang was laughing, and Lou decided
to join in. After all, it was pretty funny. But, then the
phone rang. Wang Wang answered it, and realized that
it was actually one of the women that pretended to be
cops. She explained that her name was Madeline, and
her partner was named Sunshine. Remarkably,
Sunshine was actually the one that always seemed
pissed off. Oh, irony! Anyway, Wang Wang got very
excited, because they were beautiful young ladies.
Immediately, he asked them what they were wearing.
Madeline replied that they were both wearing their
pajamas. Wang Wang then asked if they just woke up,
or if they were going to sleep now. Madeline replied
by saying that they weren’t, but they just loved their
pajamas and they were in fact addicted to them. At
this point, Wang Wang pulled out his trusty dictionary,
and realized that pajamas were defined as “Clothing
worn for sleeping.” If this was in fact the case, what
they were wearing weren’t technically pajamas. They
were clothes that they normally wear when they go to
bed, and in those cases, they would be pajamas, but in
this particular instance, they were not in fact their
pajamas, but just clothes. So, they were wearing what
normally happens to be pajamas, in this particular
instance. Actually, if it was the other way around, and
they were wearing normal everyday clothes, and they
went to sleep, then those clothes that are normally
everyday clothes would become pajamas, albeit temporarily. Furthermore, Wang Wang objected to the fact
that they claimed that they were “addicted to pajamas.” Wang Wang believed that you could not
become addicted to pajamas. Pajamas aren’t something you choose to wear. Whatever clothes you wear
when you go to sleep become pajamas, even if that is
not their primary function. So, because you have no
control of when you wear pajamas, you really can’t
become “addicted” to them. That would be similar to
saying that you are addicted to gravity. You can’t be
addicted to gravity. Gravity just is. The same is true
about pajamas. You can’t be addicted to gravity just
like you can’t be addicted to pajamas. Madeline was
flabbergasted by Wang Wang and his amazing pleasure he derives from discussions about pajamas. She
didn’t have the energy to argue Wang Wang about this
point, so she just agreed, although she disagreed with
Wang Wang’s pajama theory. Anyway, Madeline told
Wang Wang that she and Sunshine would like to come
visit Wang Wang and Lou at the hotel. Wang Wang
was questioning how they knew their phone number
at the hotel, and how they knew when to call, because
they called so quickly after Wang Wang and Lou
arrived, but you just can’t pass up the opportunity to
allow two beautiful women to join you in your hotel
room. It’s impossible to do. So, they both hung up the
phone, and Wang Wang and Lou got very excited at
their opportunity that was coming. At this point,
someone knocked on the door. Although Wang Wang
had just hung up the phone 35 seconds ago, they for
some reason thought their bitches magically appeared
at their door that quickly. So, they quickly answered
the door, only to find that on the other side of the
door was...
their group from the basketball game plus
Madeline and Sunshine! Wang Wang and Lou were
delighted to be reunited with their friends. Mathilde
spoke up and told the inseparable duo that Madeline
and Sunshine, after talking with the brothers, called
Mathilde. See, those three had been in Grandpa
Magoo’s prostitute business some 25 years ago. So,
Sunshine and Madeline, both aged 25, had been
whores since birth. But anyway, the point of all this is
that Madeline and Sunshine called Wang Wang and
Lou seeking a place to hide, because the real cops
were hot on their trail. So after they called Wang
Wang and Lou, Madeline and Sunshine called their
old friend Mathilde to ask for further protection. So
Mathilde got her group, and they all went down to
where Wang Wang and Lou were staying. However,
the real cops from both Mitchell and Pierre were now
chasing after the whole gang. Charges included prostitution, impersonating an officer, resisting arrest from
fake cops, scalping, and aiding and embedding wanted criminals. By now, the room was overflowing with
people, and Lou knew what was about to happen.
After sitting on that chair and that table, both of
which broke, Lou was lucky to sit on the ground and
not have it break. But now, with well over 20 people
in the room, the ground broke. So now they were in
room 566, and the ceiling was way high. It was kind
of cool. Then the cops came, but to Room 666, and
they yelled “Open up!” Everyone held their breath
because what was about to happen would be extremely hysterical. The cops gave their final warning and
then hey all busted through the door, but fell twelve
feet! Hahaha! Quickly, before the cops recovered
from their fall and arrested the whole bunch, Petie the
Raccoon came to the rescue. Everyone crawled on his
back as he summoned up his flying powers, and they
flew out of the hotel. The cops stood up and watched
in awe as an insanely large raccoon flew out of The
Greatest Hotel in the Pierre, South Dakota
Metropolitan Area with a gang that included former
North Korea dictators, a miniature rhino, a baseball
legend that had been dead for over 25 years, and the
Tooth Fairy among others. Nevertheless, the cops had
their duties, and they summoned up the FBI in their
nationwide quest. All they had to do was catch a giant
flying raccoon and his gang. How hard could that be?
Actually, it turned out to be more difficult than it
seemed. For the first week as Wang Wang and company hid from the cops, they established a hideout in...
Chapter 9
The Chase
the O.J. Simpson Fan Club Headquarters in
Ottowa, Ontario. Wang Wang realized that O.J.
Simpson no longer has any fans, ever since that whole
double murder fiasco. Also, if when he did have fans,
he still had no fans in Ottowa, Ontario. No one up
there cared about him. But, especially now, it was not
a problem. Another reason for picking this location
was that it was actually a very nice building. There
were indoor and outdoor pools, a miniature golf
course, a large casino with loose slots, a spa, a great
weight room, a delicious all you can eat buffet, cable
TV, and a large scale bomb shelter. Anyway, they
were there for a while, but then O.J. got sad because
he accidentally killed his dog, and he wanted to go to
get his confidence boosted by his rabid fans, so he
went to Ottowa. When he entered the O.J. Simpson
Fan Club Headquarters, everyone panicked, because
in a weird coincidence, O.J. had some reason that he
might actually want revenge on every person there, so
they all assumed that O.J. had come for vengeance
against them. So, it was time to leave, and O.J. got
sad. Everyone hopped back on Petie, and Wang Wang
and Lou decided that it was time to fess up. They had
to go to the police and turn themselves in. It was no
fun continually running from the cops. So, they
returned first to Mitchell. They were hoping that if
they were to explain their entire story of how they got
where they now were, they could get away with their
crimes. After all, they believed it wasn’t really their
fault. If all else failed, they decided they would blame
it all on Satan, but Satan heard of this plan and decided to come from Texas to tell them that that was unacceptable. If they were to carry this out, Satan would
be forced to take them all to Hell. Satan saw the pickle this put them all in though, and decided to help the
group out. To help them out, he...
visited Deputy Larson in a dream, taking the
form of a demonic clown. “I will eat you if you harm
my friends,” said the clown. Deputy Larson woke up
in a cold sweat, vowing that he would never touch
Satan’s gang. However, Deputy Larson couldn’t take
living with the memory of that demonic clown staring
at him. So he ceased being human, and just ran
around for a few days crying, “Lost souls unite— tribally we can feed our spirits the blood that they yearn
for. Join me people of Mitchell!” Everyone was really
scared of him and avoided him on the street. On the
third day, Deputy Larson was typically spinning
around and walking aimlessly along the downtown
strip, until he tripped and fell into the road. Then a
truck smacked him. Unfortunately, Deputy Larson had
not told the other police officers about his dream, so
they were still chasing Wang Wang and the gang.
Petie saw the other proud Mitchell police officers
chasing them, and so he quickly called his group, and
they flew off again. Seeking to exit the United States,
Wang Wang told Petie that they should go back to
their homeland of North Korea. Emperor Dick Vitale
warmly welcomed them, except he was horrified that
Petie the Raccoon was back. Petie said not to worry,
because he didn’t want to take his position back. Petie
told Dick that he was enjoying his life abroad, especially getting to watch hot women like Mathilde and
Kathy, and also the lesbians Mary and Bessie. Dick
thought that that was just great. But nevertheless,
Dick showed Wang Wang and Lou a tour of his mansion, and he explained that North Korea was in good
hands. In fact, it had been prospering for practically
the entire year that Wang Wang had been gone. Wang
Wang found this to be excellent news, and in order to
celebrate this as well as their successful escape from
the cops, Wang Wang proposed to Dick a wild party.
But Dick knew all too well about Wang Wang’s party
at the Magic Room of Doors, so he politely declined.
But Wang Wang said he would let Dick do all the
planning. So, Dick reconsidered— after all, some of
North Korea’s heroes had returned home! It was
indeed time for a party. To kick things off, Dick
turned to the gang, and said “I want you guys to look
at this, baby!” Dick pointed at a very sophisticated
looking screen that was showing a missile heading
for— “Mitchell, South Dakota!” yelled Wang Wang.
“But why?” Dick responded, “Listen, I am so happy
you guys are back in North Korea. I figured why not
get the cops off your back? I mean, it’s about time we
use our weapons too. Plus, no one will know it ever
happened, I mean who’s ever heard of Mitchell, South
Dakota?” Dick brought up some fine points, but
unfortunately, the cops had already left Mitchell and
were hot on the gang’s trail again. Then came a knock
on the door, and a chill went down Wang Wang’s
spine. Dick “shh’d” everyone and slyly opened the
door while everyone else hid behind Petie, who posed
as a really big damn raccoon that Dick had shot on a
gaming trip. At the door...
was Copernicus Clownpenis. The gang was
shocked that Copernicus Clownpenis stood before
them, alive, and apparently in good shape. Although
they didn’t really like Copernicus Clownpenis, they
were fairly happy to see him doing all right. He
explained that he was never actually killed, and actually, when he got hit, he tried to get back up, but
Pierre whacked him repeatedly in the kneecaps, and
taped his mouth shut so he couldn’t scream. Then,
they all just assumed he was dead, even though there
was no blood, he was moving about, and no one
checked his pulse. His face wasn’t really red, but at
this point, everyone looked at Pierre with an evil eye,
and Pierre responded by saying “Whoops. Whoa, my
mistake. I apologize. That was quite a mistake. Boy is
my face red.” That got everyone to chuckle. Even
Copernicus Clownpenis joined in. He could see how
that could simply be an honest mistake. When everyone had calmed down a little, Copernicus Clownpenis
said “My favorite season of the year is winter,
because I like to make forts and snow angels. In fact,
when it snows a lot I like to make myself a Denver
omelette and pink lemonade, and when I’m done I go
to the pharmacy to buy myself nasal decongestant,
laundry detergent, and a king size box of Junior
Mints. They’re delicious! Then, when I return home, I
go outside and read out of War and Peace’ while
chewing Big League Chew. When I finish the book,
I’ll run to the park and play on the swings, until I see
Charlie Brown. When I see Charlie, we go to a different park to play football. I’m a great running back.
Then, when we get tired, we go back to my house,
where I treat everyone to beef tenderloin and twice
baked potatoes, to be washed down with some exquisite red wine. After dinner, they gather around the
fireplace to drink tea and play ‘Risk: The Game of
World Conquest.’ And that’s why you should never go
swimming before going to the zoo to see the kangaroos.” That confused Stromile Soap, and he then
asked Copernicus Clownpenis why he said that. But,
Wang Wang wasn’t fooled. He had a pretty good idea
what was going on. Wang Wang threw Copernicus
Clownpenis on the table, and stripped him until he
was completely butt naked. Everyone else got grossed
out, and looked away, because he’s one ugly bastard
and he’s got this thing on his geni... whoa, let’s not go
there. Anyway, Wang Wang knew what he was looking for. He realized that what Copernicus Clownpenis
said earlier had to be some kind of key word. He was
looking for a wire, assuming that the Mitchell police
sent him in there to see if they were really there. And,
in fact, Wang Wang found what he was looking for. It
was on Copernicus Clownpenis’s chest, so, once
Wang Wang unbuttoned his shirt, he really didn’t need
to continue, but he did anyway. So, there was
Copernicus Clownpenis, laying completely naked on
the table with a wire on his chest. Everyone once
again became amazed by Wang Wang and his extraordinary intellect. But, now they had another problem.
The Mitchell, South Dakota Police must be close.
Actually, while they were thinking about that, the
police entered the mansion. Assistant Deputy
Luchityloo (who was the Assistant Deputy to Deputy
Larson, and was actually anxiously awaiting promotion) yelled “Emperor Vitale and Wang Wang!”
Assistant Deputy Luchityloo forgot what he was
going to say, because, after all, he is new to this job.
Anyway, they all knew what he was getting at, except
for the fact that they didn’t know why he just wanted
Wang Wang and Dick, and why they didn’t want the
rest of the gang. Dick decided to take charge and ask.
“Hey, baby!!! I know you are struggling a little with
your new job, baby, but that’s just because you’re still
only a Diaper Dandy, baby!!! PTPer!!! Why do you
just want Wang Wang and I?!?! It’s unbelievable,
baby!!! But, what’s the problem?!?!? Dipsy Doo
Dunkaroo!!!?” That kind of confused Assistant
Deputy Luchityloo, but he got the gist of it. So, he
explained, “Well, first of all, the reason we want
Emperor Vitale is because he wanted to blow up
Mitchell. That’s not acceptable. And, on a side note,
you said, ‘no one will know it ever happened, I mean
who’s ever heard of Mitchell, South Dakota?’ Well,
Emperor Vitale, I think you forgot that Mitchell is the
home of the Corn Palace and the biggest subway hub
in the world. So, losing Mitchell would not only be a
detriment to the United States, but to the entire world
as well. As for you, Wang Wang, we just don’t like
you. We kind of like everyone else, so we decided to
just have you take the blame for everyone. You can go
to jail, and everyone else can be free.” Everyone was
cool with this, except for Lou. Wang Wang was willing to go through with this, because, as we all know
at this time, Wang Wang is a great guy. Everyone else
was okay with this (other than Lou) because it meant
they got away with it all. Lou was not okay with this,
because he wouldn’t let this happen to his brother,
without letting it happen to him. The police were fine
with that, and decided to take Lou as well. So, as the
police took Dick, Wang Wang, and Lou away, the rest
of the gang chilled at the mansion. This was even
nicer than the O.J. Simpson Fan Club Headquarters
that they visited earlier. So, they were all very happy.
At this time, however, Dick, Wang Wang, and Lou
were...
being dragged and tortured behind the cop car.
The cops were so pissed at the three felons that they
refused to let them ride in the car. So, they handcuffed
the three together and tied them to the back of the car.
Also, because Emperor Vitale had wisely canceled all
flights in and out of North Korea (he was afraid the
cops would fly in), the cops were having to drive all
the way back to Mitchell. This was going to be one
hell of a long drive for Dick, Wang Wang, and Lou.
But Lou came to the rescue with his James Bond
watch. “Echo four, red code six to Petie. Come in.”
Petie picked up and said he would rescue them immediately. Wang Wang wondered where the hell his
brother had gotten such a cool watch as this, and Lou
said Pierre had given it to him as a token of gratitude.
So, in came Petie, who located them with his automatic locator button finder gadget thingamajig. The
flying raccoon again scared the hell out of the
Mitchell Police Force as he came flying in and bit
into the ropes that the three heroes were bound to.
Since the car had been traveling for a few days, they
were almost at the Bering Strait, about to make the
great cross into North America. So anyways, the cops
slammed on the brakes, but the ice made them skid
for a good mile and a half. Petie picked up his friends,
and then flew over the cops and yelled “Watch this!”
Petie, who by the way if you didn’t know, is a really
big raccoon, took a really big raccoon crap right onto
the cop car. “Shit!” yelled Deputy Luchityloo. “Yep.
That’s exactly what that is. And a lot of it, too,”
remarked the comedic Sergeant Hammerbastard. So,
the cops were once again defeated and looked like
losers. But what do you expect of cops from South
Dakota? Wang Wang, Lou, and Dick decided that during their flight back, it would be best to leave out the
rest of the group for their own safety. Petie vowed to
stay by their side and to protect them as long as he
could. So, as they landed in North Korea, Dick
appointed Shoeless Joe President, and then he named
some other people cabinet members, and some others
Senators and some other stuff. It’s not really important. The point is, they all became the head of the
North Korean government, and they did a fine job.
We’ll get back to them (Etiquette Gringo the rhino,
Kimani, the 8,793 guards, Wang Wang’s uncle
Copernicus Clownpenis, Shoeless Joe Jackson, the
blind seven-fingered homeless man, the two restaurant owners Cannibal Jorge and Sloppy Pete, the lesbian lovers Mary Wang Wang and Bessie, Pierre and
Wang Wang 2025, North Korea’s political adviser
Stromile Soap, Mighty Mouse, Mishi Akoobu the
newscaster, the South Korean roadside worker,
Enrique the delivery boy who was actually Tom
Green, Johnno Floblowinstine, Wang Wang’s very
special but unrelated Grandpa Magoo, the angry mob
of two men, Mathilde the Tooth Fairy, the Village
People, Mr. Guinness and Mr. Richter, the Blue and
Red Gods, Equality Robinson the student from Bacon
Sweeney HS, Kathy the waitress, Horatio, Chief
Buffalo Sunday, Madeline, Sunshine, and last but not
least, SirLancealot) later. So, now Deputy Luchityloo
and Sergeant Hammerbastard were combing the Asian
landscape in search of the four wanted criminals. And
in case you were wondering, they were traveling by
foot, because there was no way in hell they were ever
getting back in that “shitty” car. First, the two cops
foolishly went back to the North Korean mansion that
now held the country’s government representatives.
But President Shoeless informed Deputy Luchityloo
and Sergeant Hammerbastard that they had no idea
where Dick, Wang Wang, Lou, and Petie were. A disheartened Deputy Luchityloo said: “Okay. Well it’s
not like if you did know where they were that you’d
tell us anyway. But just so you know, all of you are
acquitted of any wrongdoings.” Shoeless Joe thought,
“Big deal ass wipes. None of us ever did anything
wrong. Quit chasing us.” But since the cops were letting them all off the hook, they didn’t say anything.
So the chase continued. Deputy Luchityloo and
Sergeant Hammerbastard decided to report back to
Mitchell, South Dakota in order to get some better
transportation. A car wouldn’t do, not if they were
going to try to catch a flying raccoon. The only thing
that they could use and feasibly catch the criminals
would, without a doubt, be...
a mammoth dirty garbage can. As it is well
known, raccoons love garbage cans. So, giant ass raccoons should love giant ass garbage cans. However,
Wang Wang is smarter than the cops. He anticipated
this. There was no doubt in his mind whatsoever that
the police would start to travel in a leviathan-sized
magic dirty garbage can, so as usual, Wang Wang had
an idea, although his idea had tragic implications. He
realized that Petie would be helpless against the
garbage can. He would be naturally drawn to it. Had
Wang Wang not seen this plan coming, it really would
have been a good idea by the police. But, because
Wang Wang saw it coming, he had a plan. His plan
was quite natural. He decided that the only way to
avoid his fate of being caught by the evil Mitchell,
South Dakota, police would be to ditch Petie. But,
Wang Wang couldn’t just tell Petie that it was time for
him to go. Wang Wang decided that he must kill Petie
the Raccoon. Granted, Wang Wang didn’t feel good
about this, but if he, Lou, and Dick were to survive,
they had to kill that raccoon. Naturally, Wang Wang
decided that the best way to kill Petie would be to
shoot him with a rifle repeatedly in the genitals. So,
he pointed his rifle where Petie’s genitals would be,
but— whoops!!! Wang Wang had forgotten that
Petie’s genitals had already been shot repeatedly with
a rifle by the South Korean roadside worker. So, Petie
no longer had genitals. Wang Wang had to think of
another way to kill Petie. Wang Wang refused to shoot
Petie if he couldn’t shoot him in the genitals. He
thought it would be too cruel a death to shoot him
anywhere else. So, Wang Wang had to use his
immense creativity. All he had on him was a toothbrush, a stocking hat, a paper clip, and a large slab of
meat. Wang Wang had an idea, but he needed help to
complete his task. So, as they were flying around randomly, they were in Siberia. So, Wang Wang, Lou,
and Dick got off of Petie, and worked their plan. First,
Lou explained to Petie that he found a big slab of
meat. Petie got excited. After all, he was hungry from
all that flying. Then, Dick jumped back on Petie, and
blinded him with the stocking hat. That frightened
Petie, and he began to backpedal. At this point, Wang
Wang straightened the paper clip and stabbed Petie in
his ass. Petie yelped in pain, and jumped forward, and
then Lou stabbed Petie in the throat with the toothbrush. So, Petie was once again dead. Now Lou,
Wang Wang, and Dick had a different problem. They
had no transportation. They looked at each other for a
while in silence, realizing they had a problem. Then,
Lou tried to say something, but neither Wang Wang or
Dick could hear him. All they heard was this loud
buzzing sound from the helicopter sitting behind
them. But, wait! A helicopter? And no one was in it. It
just had the keys in and the engine was running. And,
luckily, as we all know, Dick was a professional helicopter pilot before he got into college basketball and
running countries. So, they all jumped into the helicopter, and Dick got them to fly away. They didn’t
know for sure where they wanted to go, until Lou got
a great idea. He has wanted to go to Baghdad for a
long time now, to get back to his roots and everything. So, Wang Wang and Dick, out of ideas, decided
to go with that. So, finally, after a long trip, they landed in Baghdad. But, during the landing, the gang realized why Dick no longer flew helicopters. He didn’t
know how to land the damn things. He accidentally
landed in the big market in the middle of downtown
and ruined three merchant stands and killed seven
people. But, it was Emperor Vitale, so they didn’t do
anything about it. They were feeling bad, however, so
they decided to make a purchase from someone at the
market, just to smooth things over. But, if they were
going to get something, they might as well get something nice. So, Lou was on a quest. He wanted something really nice. Finally, after searching for three
hours, and maneuvering around the ambulances,
hearses, fires, and other random panicking
Baghdadians caused by Dick’s poor landing, Lou
found what he was looking for. He found a shirt that
said, “My girlfriend went to Baghdad and all she gave
me was this dirty T-shirt. Oh yeah. And gonorrhea
too. She got gonorrhea when she was in Baghdad, and
that leads me to believe that she was cheating on me
when she was in Baghdad.” That was on the front. On
the back, it said, “So, all my girlfriend gave me was
this t-shirt and after we had sex, she gave me the gonorrhea that she obtained while here. That was unacceptable. Due to this fact, I’m considering breaking
up with her. But, on the other hand, I think it’s partially my fault that I got her gonorrhea. After all, she did
give me the shirt before we had sex. I should have
known, when I looked at the shirt, that she had gonorrhea. Had I known that, I would not have had sex
with her, and then it wouldn’t hurt so bad when I try
to pee. But, overall, I’m still not happy with her, so
I’m going to break up with her.” Lou wanted to buy
it, because he loved the picture of the flying raccoon
on the front. But, Wang Wang explained to him that
he couldn’t buy that shirt, because what it says on it
isn’t true. Lou has never had a girlfriend. None of that
stuff actually happened to him. Lou realized that that
was indeed true, and eventually decided against purchasing that shirt. Instead he just decided to get the
“Hard Rock Cafe: Baghdad” shirt. It was kind of boring, but he had to get it. As he went to pay for the
shirt, the merchant began to talk to him. “Lou,” she
said. “You must help me.” Lou was taken aback. He
couldn’t believe this old lady knew who he was, so he
asked her about that, and she responded. “Lou, I am
your grandmother Sesha. Your grandfather Milo is in
trouble. Come with me. You may have your t-shirt for
free, if you come with me.” Lou, always looking for a
good deal, decided to go with her, provided that Dick
and Wang Wang could come along. They could, and
they did. So, Lou, Wang Wang, and Dick followed
Sesha to her home, across the street from the market.
What is normally a three minute walk took over two
hours due to all the commotion from Dick’s helicopter
crisis. As they got to her luxurious apartment, Sesha
brought them out milk and cookies, and they prepared
to hear a story. “Your grandfather Milo,” Sesha
explained, “is in jail. However, there is no reason that
he should be in jail. The government has wrongly
placed this great man in jail. That’s really scary, don’t
you think? I mean, if you can’t trust the government
of Iraq, who can you trust? Anyway, Milo was put in
jail because he refused to pay his taxes, and then he
wanted to leave Iraq to visit you, Lou, in America.
Iraq said no, and they claimed that there must be a
dark side to this story, so they put Milo in jail. I have
been trying to get a hold of you for a long time, with
help from my friend Ramla Ramla, the psychic. Yes,
her first name is the same as her last name. Anyway,
Ramla Ramla told me to just be patient. She knew
that you would all be coming soon. I didn’t recognize
you at first, but she claimed that you would all make a
grand entrance. I was sure you were Lou because of
that entrance. Of course, I was also sure that the guys
that entered town bare ass naked riding saddleless
donkeys were you. I was also sure that the guys that
entered town in a giant drill, right out of the ground
followed by a pot of gold were you. And I was sure
that the guys that entered town in a towering garbage
can were you. I made an ass out of myself talking to
all those other people. But, finally, I was right. And,
now, here you are. And I desperately need your help.
Your grandfather is locked in a minimum security
prison on the outskirts of town. Actually, he isn’t even
locked in. He’s just sitting in the middle of a big field
with a sign reminding him not to leave. But, he’s too
old and decrepit to leave and I’m too old and decrepit
to help him leave. Anyway, I need you fine gentlemen
to help him escape.” Lou responded that he believed
they would be up to the task. He actually had a great
plan this time, beating Wang Wang to the punch. He
was just about to explain his plan to Wang Wang
when the doorbell rang. They all quickly glanced
towards the door to see who it was. Unfortunately, the
door was closed. Lou got up to answer the door. Just
as his hand hit the knob, he heard a voice from the
outside. A voice that none of the gang could remember ever hearing, at least recently, since our story
began. It was a new voice. This voice yelled to the
inhabitants. The voice said, “Open the door!!! You
guys stole my helicopter and left a giant dead raccoon
in its place!!! Do you think I can’t tell the difference
between a dead raccoon and a helicopter?!? Do you
think I’m stupid?!? Please. I saw what was happening.
I saw you stole my helicopter, and you crashed it.
Now it is time to pay!!! What kind of world do we
live in if you can’t land your helicopter temporarily in
Siberia and leave it running without getting it stolen?
I’ll tell you what kind of world. It’s a sad, sad world.
But, you crashed the helicopter, and now you must
pay. It is kind of funny that had you not crashed the
helicopter, I wouldn’t have seen it on the news, and
then I wouldn’t know where you are. But, you did
crash the helicopter, and I did find out, so now it’s
time to pay the fiddler!!! Open the door for crying out
loud!!! Oh, okay. I see how it is. You won’t open the
door because you’re so curious. You want to find out
how I got to Baghdad so fast without my helicopter
don’t you? Well, I’ll tell you the whole story when
you let me in. Before I kill you that is. Okay, okay.
You want a hint. I’ll give you a hint. When you kill a
giant raccoon, you better make sure it’s dead. But,
you crashed my helicopter, and you must pay!!!” The
reason that they hadn’t opened the door yet wasn’t
because they were afraid. It was because when Lou
got to the door, he realized that it was locked, and the
lock was really complicated, and he didn’t know how
to unlock it. He asked for help from his grandmother,
and she went to help him, but she fell. Dick and Wang
Wang went to assist Sesha. Finally, they got her back
on her feet, and she went to assist Lou. But, then she
fell again. Dick and Wang Wang helped her to her
feet, only to see her fall again. Finally, she got back
up, and fell again, but got back up again and helped
Lou unlock the door. Then, Lou opened the door, and
standing on the other side was...
Petie and Copernicus Clownpenis. Everyone
was puzzled. But Sesha calmed everyone down by
offering them squid with milk. This appeased everyone, and they sat down for a peaceful talk at the table
amidst the adobe clay apartment buildings.
Copernicus first took off his Darth Vader mask and
then addressed the group. “The reason you didn’t recognize my voice is because I stole that Vader mask
from Pierre. You see Lou, in 25 years, you become
this psycho Star Wars fan. It’s really sad. So anyways,
here’s what’s going on. The South Dakota Police had
me go into the North Korea and Vitale’s mansion to
find you guys. But after they took you three, I bailed
because I knew everyone in there was pissed at me.
So they left me that helicopter. Then I found out that
you guys had escaped, but had killed Petie. So I went
and looked for Petie in order to give him a proper
burial. See, Petie and I have a connection. Not only
have we both been dictator of North Korea, but we
have also been mistakenly dead several times. But it
was little surprise when I found him alive. So needless to say, I was after you guys for the sweet reward I
will get from the South Dakota Police Force, and
Petie is after you guys because he is extremely
pissed.” Wang Wang, Lou, and Dick were in several
dilemmas now. But bad luck continued to come.
Deputy Luchityloo and Sergeant Hammerbastard
arrived in their magic flying garbage can, and in fact,
they arrived holding Lou and Wang Wang’s grandfather Milo hostage. According to Deputy Luchityloo
and Sergeant Hammerbastard, the deal was that Milo
would be returned to Sesha if the three fugitives
would turn themselves in. But Wang Wang asked to
see his lawyer first so that they could draw up a fair
contract. Meanwhile, Copernicus Clownpenis and
Petie were striking up a game of Yahtzee. Upon
Mighty Mouse’s arrival (he was now a lawyer), a
detailed contract was drawn up, and all the witnesses
present signed it. But just as the three were about to
be bound and tied and shipped back to South Dakota
in the garbage can, Satan showed up. He said he had
been watching all of them in his magic hand-held mirror of fire, and he had a lot of explaining to do. First
of all, he damned Copernicus Clownpenis to Hell for
being a traitor. So that was really the end of him.
Petie was sad and wanted to tell Satan to screw off,
but Satan calmly explained to Petie that Dick, Wang
Wang, and Lou had every intention of bringing Petie
back to life. This was in fact true. Wang Wang would
later strike a deal with Satan (again using Mighty
Mouse as the lawyer to draw up a contract): in
exchange for renewed life (again) to Petie, Wang
Wang, Lou, and Dick would allow Satan to rule North
Korea. So, Petie turned away from the dark side again
and went back over to Wang Wang’s side. This is
interesting to note, because Copernicus Clownpenis
really was on the dark side, and he especially affirmed
this by getting that Darth Vader mask in order to hide
his voice from his ex-friends. Anyways, where do we
put Satan? Is he on the dark side of this whole story
or is he really inherently good? It was difficult to tell.
But at any rate, Satan came to the rescue with the
cops too. He picked up Assistant Deputy Luchityloo
and Sergeant Hammerbastard and put them in their
magic flying garbage can, damning them to be
trapped in it until they died. Finally, everyone could
stop running. “Wow, thanks Satan. You are such a
great guy. We’ve been through a lot— is there anything we can do for you?” asked Wang Wang. Dick
agreed, but he said that all this traveling was getting
to be too much for him. “I’m going to retire in my
beloved country of North Korea, baby. Sayanara!”
But at any rate, Satan said there was one thing that
they could do for him. Apparently, his Houston
Texans football team wasn’t up to championship caliber yet. So Wang Wang, Lou, and Satan discussed
some possible ideas to improve the team. In the meantime, the good-hearted and forgiving Petie flew Dick
from Baghdad to North Korea, and Petie asked if any-
one wanted to come back with him so they could help
Satan. Everyone pretty much loved it where they were
(North Korea), but Mathilde, Johnno Floblowinstine,
and Grandpa Magoo decided they wanted a change of
scenery. When Petie and those three got back to
Baghdad, the group of Satan, Lou, and Wang Wang
were eager to get back to Texas. Grandpa Magoo said
he would retire and count rocks with the other
Grandpa of Wang Wang and Lou— Milo. So, those
two Grandpas and Sesha lived happily ever after in
Baghdad. But now our story shifts to America once
again. It was all up to Satan, Petie, Wang Wang, Lou,
Mathilde the Tooth Fairy, and Johnno Floblowinstine
to save the Houston Texans from utter destruction.
Their first move, before making any trades or implementing any rigorous practice sessions, was to...
Chapter 10
Building Up the Houston
Texans
figure out what they had to work from. They
figured that as of now, they had a 2-14 ball club.
Next, they decided to have Johnno Floblowinstine
make the team some magic gum. This gum would
obviously give the team another 3 wins. So, at this
point Satan owned a 5-11 football team. But, 5-11
isn’t good enough. Granted, they are better than the
Bears, Cardinals, and Chargers at this point, but Satan
had dreams of a Super Bowl. He decided to tinker
with the club a little more. Next Mathilde had an idea.
She decided to give everyone on the team sexual
favors. This wouldn’t really help the team at all on the
field per say, but both parties would like it. Although
this alone didn’t do anything, it did convince Wang
Wang to join the team as the new star running back
and Lou joined the team as the new middle linebacker
in the Texans’ base 4-3 defensive set. Randy Moss
heard from Minnesota about the new sexual favors
agreement in Houston so he decided to be the new go
to receiver. The news of Mathilde’s deal with the
devil carried all the way to Blacksburg, Virginia and
Michael Vick. Vick thought that sounded like a
smashing good time, so he decided to leave school
early, so now the Texans had a great quarterback as
well. Looking at this team anyone could see that they
would win exactly 12 games, regardless of who they
played. Satan saw only one more problem. The
Texans’ coach was less than stellar. Satan had previously hired Richard Simmons to coach the team,
because he heard that he was in great shape. Little did
he know that Richard was just a fruity, short tight
shorts wearing freak with poofy ass hair that had
exercise videos in which he worked out to crazy old
songs with weird lights. Richard Simmons had actually never ever seen a football game before. Perhaps
Satan should have been more cautious as to who he
chose to coach the team. Anyway, he needed to get a
better coach. At this point, Satan decided to bring
Vince Lombardi out of Hell and give him a second
chance at life. You see, Vince Lombardi was sent to
Hell after a short stint in Heaven. You see, when
Vince was in Heaven, he got a hold of a whoopy
cushion, a long pointy stick, three pieces of cherry
cheese steak, a pink old-style yet empty piggy bank, a
pair of size 18 1970 red Converse shoes, a giant straw
sombrero, a big white pillowcase, and a key chain
with a little doll of Woodrow Wilson riding a pig in a
barn full of ostriches through the infamous “Black
Market of Heaven.” He was also able to find George
Washington Carver, who was busy making a jet airliner out of peanuts. Needless to say, Vince was kicked
out of Heaven, and demoted to Hell. But, now he was
given a second chance. If he were to succeed in
coaching Satan’s team, the Houston Texas, to the
Super Bowl, God would absolutely have to let him
back into Heaven. At this point, Satan hoped to have a
team that would go undefeated through the regular
season. However, something was missing. Something
was only getting them to 15-1. Something had to be
done to get them that extra win. Petie stood up now,
and had an idea. He realized that the only game they
lost was due to a missed field goal as time expired.
You see, their field goal kicker was Lieutenant Dan
from Forrest Gump. Unfortunately, Lieutenant Dan
has no legs. But, with Petie the giant raccoon that was
formerly the dictator of North Korea as the new place
kicker, they could go 16-0! But, during the first game
of the year, something unforeseen happened.
Something that changed around the fate of the
Houston Texans. You see...
the incredibly sly other new expansion team
outsmarted Satan’s group. They even outsmarted
Wang Wang! The NFL’s other new expansion team
had also been hit by the “Creative NFL Team Name
Craze,” so naturally they called themselves the Des
Moines People. The name that this barely beat out
was the Iowa Iowans. Anyways, the chief culprit of
this dirty deed was none other than the People’s quarterback, Justice McCloud. Now, Justice knew that
Satan’s team did not know what their uniforms looked
like— after all, they were a new expansion team, and
they had never seen their own uniforms. So before the
game, Justice switched all the uniforms from the locker rooms, so that his Des Moines People team would
wear the Houston Texans’ jerseys. Well, the tricked
worked like a charm. And the Des Moines People
(wearing the Houston Texans uniforms) threw the
game, losing 84-3. So, SportsCenter reported that
night that “Michael Vick, Wang Wang, Randy Moss,
and company played terrible as the Houston Texans’
much anticipated debut went like garbage.” Satan
leaped out of his owner’s chair and called all of his
players and employers in the room. They had been
had! Following the commercial, SportsCenter’s Dan
Patrick was interviewing quarterback Justice
McCloud. “Dan, we just played great today. All the
ingredients came together, and our defense was just
outstanding. And my teammates were superb too. It’s
too bad the Texas didn’t give us more of a challenge.”
Satan was furious, and by this time, the whole team
was watching. Wang Wang clenched his fists, and he
knew his adversary, his enemy, his reason for hate,
was now no other than Justice McCloud. As the NFL
season progressed...
Satan decided to use his supernatural powers
to get his revenge on Justice McCloud. McCloud was
your typical, old school, white boy, drop back,
Marino-esque quarterback. He had less mobility than
your average light pole. Now, The People had a
young, but talented offensive line. All starters actually
were in their rookie year, straight out of college. Satan
decided that nothing would be better than to injure
each and every starting member of the offensive line
(which the People’s fans affectionally called “The
Big, Strong People”) in a quite unusual way that was
somewhat related to their name. First Satan went after
the the middle of the line. The center of the offensive
line was Zeb Landers from Southern Miss. Satan
thought Zeb Landers had a name surprisingly similar
to Ned Flanders from the Simpson’s, so Satan brought
Ned to life, and had him go find Zeb in the locker
room to get his autograph. Ned asked for Zeb’s autograph and when Zeb said he was too busy, Ned said
“okily dokily” and Zeb got frightened. He had never
heard that before. In fact, he got so scared that he
jumped back and his head crashed into an open locker. Naturally, Zeb got a major concussion and his ear
fell off. He was out for the year. Next Satan went after
the tackles, just as a change of pace. Satan decided to
first work on Pork Chop Womack, the rookie tackle
from Mississippi State. With a name like Pork Chop,
Satan realized that Pork Chop’s favorite food
absolutely had to be escargot. So, Satan poisoned
Pork Chop’s escargot, and he had excruciating stom-
ach pains and was forced to miss the year when it was
discovered he had an ulcer the size of a piece of paper
cut into the shape of a circle with a diameter of 15
inches. The other guard was Hoot Stahl from Navy.
Satan thought “Hoot” kind of reminded him of owls.
So, one night, at 7 p.m., when Hoot was returning
with his pet toucan (who looked surprisingly similar
to Toucan Sam from Fruit Loops, and coincidentally,
was also named Toucan Sam) from a poetry reading at
the local Gold’s Gym when from a tree along the path
to Stahl’s house, an owl flew out and chased Stahl off
the beaten path and towards the road. When they got
to the road, there were 50 policemen and some FBI
agents there to arrest Stahl for stealing Toucan Sam
from Kellogg's. Stahl was thrown in jail for 10 to 15
years, and therefore, his NFL career was over. Finally,
Satan could concentrate on the guards. He decided to
take on Joe O’Shaughnessy from Louisville.
O’Shaughnessy was nicknamed O’ShagNasty by all
that knew him well, if you know what I mean. Satan
introduced O’ShagNasty to Mathilde, and you can
imagine what happened from there. Lastly, Satan had
to work with Enoch DeMar from Indiana. This was
more difficult, because Enoch DeMar didn’t have
anything special about his name. It was just interesting because it made him sound like a really tough
guy. So, Satan got lazy and just decided to have the
earlier mentioned angry mob of two men attack him
with a wrench and herring. DeMar was done for the
year. So, now it was just a matter of having the
People take the field and Justice McCloud would get
smacked. Unfortunately, their next game was against
the Bears, and as we all know, the Bears haven’t had a
good team since 1985, and therefore Justice McCloud
only played a quarter before being able to sit as the
People had a comfortable 38-0 lead. Justice McCloud
got through that game with no problem. But, their
next game was against the Buffalo Bills. The Bills,
sure enough, hit Justice McCloud hard and repeatedly.
Actually, by the time the game was over, Justice
McCloud was dead and went to Hell for what he did
against the Texans. When Justice McCloud got to
Hell, Satan brought him back to life temporarily so he
could have a quick meeting with Justice McCloud in
his office in Houston. At this meeting, Satan
explained to Justice McCloud that he was actually
very impressed with his vile deeds that he performed
against the Texans in their debut game. He would give
Justice McCloud another chance to live if he would
be Satan’s right hand man now in the front office with
the Texans. Justice McCloud had always respected
Satan, and therefore eagerly jumped at this great
opportunity. So, Justice McCloud was now
“Executive in Charge of Evil Deeds and Schemes” for
the Texans. Justice McCloud wasn’t needed right
away. The Texans made it through the regular season
15-1, so they had a bye during the first round of the
playoffs. During the bye week, Justice McCloud got
his first assignment, although it wasn’t directly related
to football. Satan was having problems back home.
Justice McCloud was required to go to Hell and...
bring back Beelzebub. You see, Satan sensed
that the world might be coming to an end. He knew
that by being on earth, he was really pissing off God,
especially since God was a big football fan. I mean,
God really was pissed that the whole NFL season had
been a scam, and his only choice now was to interfere. Naturally, Satan sensed this, so he sent Justice
McCloud to Hell in order to get some more help from
the little devil Beelzebub. Now, while Satan sensed an
epic battle between him and God, he sensed a little bit
wrong. You see, there are two sides to every
Schwartz, and Satan of course had the down side, and
God had the upside. So God’s Schwartz was a little
more powerful. Anyways, by the time Justice returned
with Beelzebub, it was Super Bowl time. Sure
enough, the Houston Texans were in it and they were
going to play God’s favorite team, the San Diego
Chargers. Now, God’s plan was not to destroy the
world, nor to end it. He merely wanted to embarrass
Satan, and what better way to do that than on the
world’s biggest game— the Super Bowl!? Plus, God
was not going to let his Chargers lose. So, he could
do both at the same time, and the whole world would
be watching. Really, there was nothing Satan could
do. After Vince Lombardi’s pre-game pep talk to his
heavily favored Texans (the line was Houston by 42),
Satan told everyone to “Use the Schwartz!” Randy
Moss, Michael Vick, Wang Wang, and Petie were
confused, but went on to play anyways. As the game
started, God started to feel a little bad. After all, he
wasn’t really mad at Wang Wang, Randy Moss,
Michael Vick, Petie the Raccoon, Johnno
Floblowinstine (the offensive coordinator), or
Mathilde the Tooth Fairy (the defensive coordinator).
But still, God really wanted to embarrass Satan,
Justice McCloud, and Beelzebub, and then send them
back to Hell. Plus, he really wanted the Chargers to
win. So, in the end, God decided to...
pretty much stay out of it. First, he had to call
Satan to see if they could come to a gentlemen’s
agreement. He recommended that both teams just play
football, and there would be no funny business. God
and Satan would both be allowed to give pre-game
pep talks to their teams, but after that, no supernatural
powers would be allowed. It would just be straight up
football. Satan agreed to do this. After all, he thought,
his team was favored by 42 points. They shouldn’t
have a problem winning the game if it were played
straight up. Before the game, Satan walked into the
locker room and started his speech. Then he quickly
ended it as well because his entire speech was only,
“Okay guys. Go out there and kick ass for the
Underworld.” God’s speech was much more elaborate. God went to talk to his team and he said, “Okay
guys. Go out there and kick ass for Heaven.” Okay, so
it wasn’t any more elaborate. He just substituted
“Heaven” for “the Underworld.” Anyway, it was time
for the game. Houston quickly jumped ahead 31-0 at
the end of the first quarter. It was remarkable how
much better they were than the Chargers. Yet, even
God knew that the lead was built only because of
football, and it had nothing to do with anything Satan
did to break the gentlemen’s agreement because,
well... he didn’t. But, God is a sore loser. He didn’t
like the fact that his team was losing the Super Bowl
to Satan’s team. At this point, his only option was to
break the agreement. The question now was how to
successfully get the Chargers back from this seemingly insurmountable deficit. It seemed like with the
players the Texans had on the field, the Chargers didn’t stand a chance. God’s sidekick, Michael Richards,
better known as Kramer from Seinfeld, expressed this
concern to God. “God,” Kramer said, “I don’t think
we stand much of a chance, regardless of what we do.
There’s no way the Chargers can beat the Texans
when the Texans have those talented players on the
field.” Then God got an idea, and he responded to
Kramer. “I think you just answered your own question.” This confused Kramer because he technically
didn’t ask a question. But, God continued to announce
his plan. “The only logical thing to do would be to
kill Wang Wang, Randy Moss, Michael Vick, and
Petie the Raccoon. Without them on the team, they
wouldn’t stand a chance.” That was a very creative
plan. God couldn’t come up with a fun way to kill
Wang Wang, Randy Moss, Michael Vick, and Petie
the Raccoon. Eventually, he just gave Kramer a
sledgehammer and told him to go to the sideline and
off all those guys. So he did. The game then tightened
up before the Chargers won on a last second field
goal, 34-31. The Chargers went into a crazed state of
jubilation, and Satan became enraged. He knew God
broke the agreement. Satan is a man of his word, and
never would have broken such an agreement. Satan
had to come up with a way to get God back for this.
First of all, he was lucky that all the players killed
could join the team again, because they were all in
Hell (they couldn’t get into Heaven because they
played for Satan’s NFL team) and Satan could bring
them back to Earth and play football. But, that
revenge wasn’t enough. He had to do something additional to get back at God. Satan decided to...
change his efforts to basketball. Once again,
Satan built his team’s core around Petie, Wang Wang,
Lou, Mathilde the Tooth Fairy, and Johnno
Floblowinstine. However, there was a slight problem.
You see, Wang Wang, ever since the Super Bowl, had
been pretty depressed. In fact, he had been reflecting
on the past few years of his life. Although he had
gone through many amazing travels and journeys, it
was as if they had all added up to nothing. Every time
he found a new opportunity or a new friend, it was
only a matter of time before a massive change would
take place in his life. Wang Wang indeed felt sad and
troubled. All of his journeys had kept taking him back
to square one. However, the always positive Lou tried
to cheer Wang Wang up, but it was no use. Wang
Wang was so troubled that he had gone into hibernation. There would be no way possible for him to
recover in time for the NBA Playoffs. You see, Satan
made the NFL to NBA transition very quick, acquiring the Chicago Bulls a little after the beginning of
February. He promised to bring the Bulls back into
national prominence, but once word leaked out that
Wang Wang was in hibernation, the public became
skeptical. Satan suddenly also began reflecting on his
recent adventures, and he asked himself why in the
hell had he ever left Hell. He was no football owner
or basketball coach. He had no more business being in
professional sports than a blindfolded goat had in a
dictionary reading contest. So, Satan sold the franchise soon after, and he realized that he needed to go
back to Hell in order to come up with an ingenious
plan to get back at God. Meanwhile, Wang Wang and
his ever faithful gang of Petie, Lou, Mathilde the
Tooth Fairy, and Johnno Floblowinstine decided that
their next endeavor should be to form a rock and roll
band. According to Petie, The Beatles had also started
off by trying to take over a country (George
Harrison’s backyard monkey cage was then defined as
a country), forming their own gum company (John
Lennon and Ringo Starr had a secret underground
plant that eventually failed, but it was a good try), and
attempting to be professional athletes (rumor has it
that Paul McCartney has one hell of a forkball). So, if
the Beatles could do it, so could they! But what would
their band name be? The creative group certainly
came up with a lot of creative names. Some included:
the Groovy Peruvians, Lou the Lighting Technician
and the Amateur Washing Machines, Mr. Miyagi,
Donkey-Hotee, and the runner-up name, Petrified
Shit. But in the end, the name that won was Wang
Wang and the Orangutan Gang. They signed a quick
record deal, and the lineup was: Wang Wang on lead
guitar, his brother Lou on rhythm guitar, Petie the
Raccoon on drums, Mathilde the Tooth Fairy with
lead vocals, and Johnno Floblowinstine on bass. Soon
after inking their record deal, the band went on tour,
and radios all over the United States were releasing
some of their hit songs, including...
Chapter 11
Wang Wang and the Orangutan
Gang
“That Damned Monkey Keeps Trying To Steal
My Magic Bag,” “I Think The Leprechaun Stuck His
Thumb Up My Ass,” “Why We Decided Not To Be
Called ‘Petrified Shit,’” and their most popular song
of all “Isn’t It Unbelievable When The Postman Eats
The Shoe And Then Goes To The Basement To Milk
His Cats Before Taking His Daughter To A Broadway
Play.” One day, Wang Wang and the Orangutan Gang
were performing in Remote, Oregon, and Wang Wang
got to thinking. He missed Satan. This is the first time
in a while they have been without Satan’s influence.
Anyway, all that thinking got Wang Wang tired, and
he decided to take a nap before the big show. In Wang
Wang’s dream, Satan appeared to him in the form of
the biggest emerald on the crown of the late King
Josiquias XVI of Transbeliton. As we surely all know,
King Josiquias XVI of Transbeliton was tragically
killed when he was farming and got ran over by a
tractor. Granted, the tractor didn’t kill him, but he was
badly injured. He was so badly injured, in fact, that
when the tribe of rabid lemurs attacked him, he couldn’t move. Now, they crushed his skull and punctured
his brain, but King Josiquias XVI of Transbeliton
wasn’t dead yet. However, when the plane crashed
and the black box conveniently landed right on his
head, he was dead. So, anyway, Satan appeared to
Wang Wang. “Wang Wang,” Satan said. “I have some
news for you that very well may startle you. First of
all, I’ve been away from Hell for a long time, and
there are many things that I need to fix. In my
absence, it has become a kind of paradise. The temperature has been turned down to 80, there are now
beaches, a huge theme park has been added, and
everyone is having fun. I think that’s Walt Disney’s
doing. He’s turning my home into Walt Disney Hell,
and it’s quite popular. So, it’s going to take some
work to fix all that. But, that’s not really important
right now. What’s important involves your friend
Johnno Floblowinstine. Remember why you first
called Johnno? He was going to help you with your
gum factory. You met him originally in a club and you
told him about your gum idea and he gave you his
business card. Look at it now. See where it says Gum
Expert? Did you ever wonder why that part was written in pencil and the phrase “Attorney At Law” was
lightly crossed out in pencil as well? Well, you see,
what I’m trying to tell you is that Johnno
Floblowinstine has a secret that he needs to tell you. I
can’t tell you, because he made me promise I’d keep
it a secret. As you know, when I give someone my
word, that means something. If he wants to tell you,
that’s his job. So, I recommend you wake up and find
Johnno right now.” Wang Wang then woke up. He
wasn’t sure if that was really Satan in his dream, but
he decided it was worth it to go find Johnno. After
four hours of searching, he finally found Johnno
standing bare assed in the janitor’s closet kissing a
mop. Wang Wang was so focused on his question, he
didn’t even comment on the weird situation he was
currently witnessing. So, Wang Wang explained
everything that happened in his dream to Johnno, realizing that it sounded kind of silly. But, to Wang
Wang’s surprise, Johnno didn’t make fun of him.
Instead he took a deep breath, dropped the mop carefully on the ground and began to speak. “Wang Wang,
that was Satan in your dream. He’s right. I really can’t
believe I hid this from you for this long. You see
Wang Wang, I’m not who you think I am. I feel so
bad that I hid this from you for so long, but I never
had the heart to tell you. Wang, Wang, I am actually...
a wizard from medieval times. I was sent to
come to this time dimension by the great Emperor
Copernicus Clownpenis the First. He is your uncle’s
great great great great great grandfather’s great great
great great great grandfather, Wang Wang. Actually,
you have to say that phrase about five more times to
actually get the right number of who Emperor
Copernicus Clownpenis the First is in relation to you,
but I really just don’t feel like saying the words
‘great’ and ‘grandfather’ that many more times. So
you can just figure it out on your own, Wang Wang.
But at any rate, Clownpenis I sent me into the future
for two purposes. Reason number one that I was sent
to the future (your present) was this: if you remember
correctly Wang Wang, a little after I arrived to help
you with Anarchy Gum, you called up Wang Wang
2025 to help you with monetary problems so that you
could close your North Pole factory in time and open
up a new one in Des Moines. Coincidence Wang
Wang? I don’t think so! Your brilliant great great
great times a million Uncle Clownpenis I knew that
Wang Wang 2025 was attempting to void the rifts of
time in order to take over the universe. Once such a
rift is broken, the universe is doomed. So, Clownpenis
I sent me to offset this trend. You see, every time
someone comes from the future to the past, as Wang
Wang 2025 did, another person must come from the
past to the future, as I did. Had it not been for me, the
universe would be gamook.” “Gamook? What the hell
is that?” asked Wang Wang. “Oh no!” Johnno
Floblowinstine yelled. “That’s the keyword. Once I
say that word, I automatically enter the portal back to
my native land- North Korea when it was ruled by
your great great great times a million uncle, Emperor
Clownpenis I! Good-bye Wang Wang. You are a very
special friend. Please tell the other band members that
I will miss them greatly, but I will be watching over
all of you!” Wang Wang began to cry, but as Johnno
“The Wizard” Floblowinstine began to dissolve, Wang
Wang yelled: “Wait Johnno! What was the second
reason!? You said there were two reasons why you
were sent here! I must know!” But it was too late.
Johnno Floblowinstine had already gone back to his
homeland. Wang Wang was dumbfounded. What
could have been the second reason why Johnno was
sent? And also, Wang Wang was troubled by the fact
that he himself, granted in 25 years, had tried to take
over the universe by breaking a rift, as Johnno had
explained. “I am a real jerk,” thought Wang Wang.
But he put that thought in the back of his head, and he
suddenly sensed something! He thought that if he
could determine Johnno’s second reason for being
sent to present day that Wang Wang would then be
able to change himself. He would change himself so
much that in 25 years, he wouldn’t have the desire to
break a time rift and thus destroy the universe! As
Wang Wang saw he had a new mission at hand, he
knew it was the perfect moment to write a song for
his band. Of course, the lineup was now just a quartet
since Johnno was gone: Wang Wang on guitar, his
brother Lou on bass now, Petie the Raccoon on
drums, and Mathilde the Tooth Fairy with lead vocals.
As Wang Wang and the Orangutan Gang finished up
their first world tour in New York City, Wang Wang
knew exactly what he needed to do in order to find
out Johnno’s second reason for being sent. With the
help of his three other bandmates, Wang Wang...
developed a special potion that would do one
of three things. You see, Wang Wang and the
Orangutan Gang were not yet accomplished enough in
the field of potion making to make a potion that
would be guaranteed to do exactly what you want. So,
Wang Wang and the Orangutan Gang made a potion
that could do one of three things, as they were capable
of doing that. Their number one goal would be to get
Johnno to simply return to their present time. The second goal would be to have the four of them go into
the future. The third goal would be to have the Iron
Chef come to them with Martha Stewart so they could
play a little bit of three on three flag football. So, they
concocted the potion. The problem was, none of them
really knew what to do with the potion once they had
made it. Were they supposed to bathe in it? Together?
Were they supposed to drink it? If so, who was supposed to drink it? Would they all feel its effects if
only one of them drank it? Were they supposed to
take it to the top of a tower and throw it on random
people as they walked by? Were they supposed to
wait until it got really cold and toss it on the sidewalk
in an area of town heavily used by pedestrians and
hide inside a nearby building and drink hot chocolate
while laughing hysterically as they watched helpless
victims slip and fall on the frozen puddle? Well, after
much deliberation, they decided to use the last idea
because, well, even if it wasn’t what they were supposed to do, it would be pretty damned funny and
they could get a good chuckle. So, they went to the
corner of Main Street and
Ahelluvalotofpeoplewalkaroundhere Street and waited
until no one was looking and then they threw the
potion on the ground and quickly entered the office
building owned by the law firm specializing in suing
people who intentionally throw liquid on the sidewalk
simply to have it freeze and watch people slip and fall
on it. They rented out a ground level office directly by
the intersection. They brought in four lounge chairs
and their hot chocolate as they sat down and began to
enjoy the spectacle that is people falling on their
asses. The second they sat down, they saw someone
fall. She was a fairly attractive 22-year old student at
the nearby university and she, quite embarrassed, simply got up, looked around, figured no one noticed,
brushed herself off, and limped away. She was not the
last person to fall. Oh no. Not even close. In fact, over
75 people fell in that first hour of observation.
However, at the one hour, nine minute mark, something dreadful happened. A 29 year old married man
named Junnany Inklebopper was hurrying from his
job to make his lunch appointment with his sexy, 19
year old mistress. Well, considering how good looking
his mistress was, he was running to get to see her a
little earlier. Little did he know that there was a big
puddle of frozen potion on the ground. Junnany slid
about 12 feet and got racked by a fire hydrant. Also,
in the process, he broke his leg. Now, Wang Wang
and the Orangutan Gang found this development to be
nothing short of hilarious. In fact, Lou laughed so
hard he spilled his hot chocolate all over his arm and
his shirt. His arm was fairly badly burned and his shirt
had a stain that looked strikingly similar to Elmer
from Sesame Street. Anyway, Junnany was furious.
He immediately crawled into the very law firm that
Wang Wang and the Orangutan Gang were currently
situated. Junnany gave the gang an evil look as he
crawled past the window, indicating that he knew it
was them who had done this. Junnany announced as
he entered the law firm that he wanted to sue Wang
Wang and the Orangutan Gang! Oh, what awful news
for our heroes. Not only had their potion seemingly
failed on every account, but now they had a lawsuit
coming. But, don’t worry too quickly. You see, that
was exactly what was needed to actually get Johnno
to come back. Remember how Johnno was actually an
“Attorney at Law” according to his business card?
The threat of a lawsuit was just what Johnno needed
to get him to return to the present. So, Johnno suddenly appeared in the room with Wang Wang and the
Orangutan Gang, and Wang Wang gave him a big hug
and immediately asked him the question on everyone’s mind: is it really that abnormal to be sexually
attracted to your brother if you didn’t know him until
recently? In response to this question, Johnno said
yes, and Lou ran out of the room crying. Whether Lou
was crying at Wang Wang’s question or Johnno’s
response is not yet known. After this, Johnno was prepared to tell the gang the other reason Clownpenis
originally sent him to the future. “You see Wang
Wang, this has to do with your family and particularly
your homeland. Wang Wang: the other reason
Clownpenis sent me to the future was because...
he wanted to know if anyone had recently
written an essay on the topic of the word ‘recovery.’”
Wang Wang seemed very puzzled by this, and he
asked for an explanation. Johnno the Wizard complied. “Well, Wang Wang, you see many thousands of
years ago, Clownpenis I sent out scores of men out
into the fertile land of North Korea to see if there
were any precious minerals or fossil fuels of some
sorts. You see, Clownpenis I was getting into some
pretty bad debt just before he sent me to the future to
ensure the safety of the universe. But as you know,
there was a second reason as well. Well, as a matter of
fact, the men found enormous amounts of copper just
under North Korea’s soil. They all came back to him,
reporting: ‘Sir, we have recovered vast amounts of
copper.’ Clownpenis I was furious because he though
that his workers had basically found copper laying on
top of the earth and his workers had ‘recovered’ it.
You see, Wang Wang, ‘recover’ is a curious word. If
you take it apart, it literally means ‘cover again.’ So
why do we often say that we have ‘recovered precious
minerals’ or what not? This is exactly what caused
Clownpenis I’s frustration and confusion. His workers
tried to explain the word, but to no avail. So
Clownpenis I, standing by his theory that ‘recover’
meant to ‘cover again,’ sent me into the future to collect some essays. Well, I found numerous essays
about the word ‘recover’ in the Mitchell, South
Dakota Public Library while we were meandering
around town. Now I’m going to have to break the
news to Clownpenis I that ‘recover’ is just a weird
word, and that in fact, he should be happy because
copper is everywhere! His debt problems will be
solved!” Wang Wang and the Orangutan Gang got
giddy, but Lou got jealous. He liked playing bass now,
and he didn’t like having Johnno around. After all,
Johnno was the old bass player. So, the jealous Lou
then yelled “Gamook!” and Johnno went back to
where he belonged, even though he was rudely forced
to exit. Then, Wang Wang died. Petie the Raccoon
blurted out, “Wow! This reminds me so much of John
D. Rockefeller!” “What the hell are you talking about,
Petie?” yelled Mathilde. “Wang Wang is dead! What
does that have to do with John D. Rockefeller?” Petie
sighed at Mathilde’s slow intellect. “Okay. Think
about it for a second. John D. Rockefeller had an oil
monopoly right? Okay then!” Mathilde still didn’t get
it, so Petie went on. “Oil monopoly reminded me of
Monopoly the game, which got me thinking about
Dominos, another cool game. Well the thought of
Dominos triggered a thought about Domino’s pizza.
And whenever I think of pizza, i think of Mike
Piazza. Well, he played for the local New York Mets.
And one of their managers has been Bobby Valentine,
and then Bobby reminded me of the song ‘Me and
Bobby McGhee’ by Janis Joplin. She reminds me of
the whole hippie peace movement, and that reminded
me of the peace sign you make with your hands,
which is kind of like the thing that Dr. Spock did from
Star Trek. Well, Dr. Spock once died also, but his
crew saved him. I think we can save Wang Wang,
too.” “How do you plan on doing that?” asked Lou.
Everyone told Lou to shut up, because he was still not
off the hook for being rude. But Petie told everyone
his logic: “Well, it’s obvious that once Johnno went
back to his time a few seconds ago, he told
Clownpenis I how he was wrong about the word
‘recover.’ I don’t care if Clownpenis I realized he had
all this copper or not. He would be depressed since he
was wrong. So, he killed himself. And without ancestors, Wang Wang of course died right here and now.
Now, here is how we save him...
First, we must kick Lou’s ass for sending
Johnno back, which ultimately resulted in Wang
Wang’s death. Not only did Lou essentially kill Wang
Wang, but he screwed us with our whole situation of
getting sued by Junnany for injuring him.” So Petie
and Mathilde kicked Lou’s ass. Next, they had to figure out how to get Wang Wang to live again. As they
were devising a plan that absolutely never would have
worked, Wang Wang suddenly sat up. Petie and
Mathilde were shocked, yet quite pleased. But, Wang
Wang’s death and subsequent resurrection made him
hungry. So, the gang (minus Lou, who was still
unconscious from his beating) went outside to try to
find something to eat. They were able to find a street
vendor named Ali Alouhopalou. Ali made the greatest
hot dogs and other assorted dirty foods of any street
vendor in the continental United States. Or, at least
that’s what it said on his cart. So, Wang Wang got a
hot dog, a hot pretzel, and a hot tamale with a glass of
hot cocoa. He was cold. Petie got ice cream and iced
tea. He was hot. Mathilde got... wait a second!
Mathilde wasn’t there!!! On their way to Ali’s stand,
the three walked by their puddle of frozen potion.
Mathilde fell and broke her leg, but Wang Wang and
Petie didn’t notice. So, Wang Wang and Petie saw her
flailing all over the ground grabbing her leg. They finished their snacks and then went to help Mathilde.
When they got there, they noticed that Johnno was
there. They were shocked to see Johnno back in the
present. They didn’t understand why he was there.
Next, Wang Wang said, “Hey, Johnno, what are you
doing here?” Johnno explained that anytime someone
hurts themselves he just appears because he’s a
money grubbing whore. So, Johnno was there, but he
couldn’t have Mathlide sue herself and her friends.
Another question immediately popped into Wang
Wang’s head. Why was he alive? That led him to ask
Johnno: “Hey Johnno, why am I alive again?” Johnno
explained that the advanced medical techniques of his
time helped bring Clownpenis I back to life. So, when
he came back alive, so did Wang Wang. So, now the
five members of Wang Wang and the Orangutan Gang
were back together again. However, Lou was still
unconscious, so they decided to go back to wake him
up. In the meantime, however, Johnno decided it
would be best to begin working on a defense in their
case against Junnany. Eventually, what they decided
they would use as their defense was...
Satan himself. All of the sudden, as Junnany
approached the group he wanted to sue, Satan reappeared! The gang decided to just let Satan deal with
Junnany. And so he did. Satan simply gave Junnany
“the look,” and the man who was eager to sue the
world’s best rock and roll band instantly melted into a
banana tree. Kids, this is why your world-famous
Junnany Bananas come from New York City and not
Jamaica. So stop asking your mothers this question.
Once the Junnany problem has been disposed of, the
gang asked Satan what he was doing back! Satan
explained to them that Mathilde’s enchanting Satanworshipping lyrics had inspired a vast group of
teenagers as well as Satan himself to form a cult
group that was simply in love with Wang Wang and
the Orangutan Gang. But the gang didn’t want to be
known as a Satan-worshipping band, even though
they were all friends with Satan and really liked the
guy. Nevertheless, they put this notion in the back of
their minds and asked Satan what he had been doing.
“Well, as you know, after I went back to Hell a few
months ago, it had been turned into a paradise. Well,
I’ve been fixing that lately, and I turned Walt Disney
into Pinocchio for trying to pull that ‘Hell is Paradise’
stunt. See, I even tricked Walt. Get this! Every time
Walt tells a lie now, his nose grows an inch. So anyways, I asked him how long his nose was. He had no
idea, but made a valiant effort and guessed 12 inches.
Unfortunately, his nose was only 11 inches, and
because he lied, his nose then grew an inch! Now it
was 12 inches! But then his nose realized he hadn’t
lied, so his nose went back to 11 inches. Then it was
like, ‘Hey you lied! I’m going to grow another inch to
12 inches!’ So now, his nose is in an endless cycle
and it is just great. But yeah, anyways, Hell is back to
normal, and now I’m up here attending all of your
concerts!” The gang saw that Satan was doing pretty
well, but they were eager to shred their image as a
Satan-worshipping band, they asked Satan to go back
to Hell. Satan refused, and the band decided to come
out with their second album. Straying away from
songs that had “hidden Satanic” meanings, they wrote
a handful of songs. Their biggest hits off their second
album included “God’s Lipstick” and “Rainbows
Don’t Come from Hell.” Needless to say, Wang Wang
and the Orangutan Gang lost their cult following and
gained a new crowd of rock and roll lovers. The band
was still on top of the world, and the frustrated Satan
went back down to Hell to play more cruel yet hilarious tricks on his captives. With fame and fortune, the
five-man band decided to be the main act of
Woodstock 2009. The event would have a major consequence on not only the world, but on all of the
members in the Wang Wang and the Orangutan
Gang...
If there’s five things Woodstock is known for,
it’s music, sex, drugs, advertising, and, of course the
quest to raise money to assist NASA in their quest to
send a couple of rabid coyotes to Mars to begin a
crazy new breed of hydrophobic, sex crazed, crack
addict, Martian coyotes on the red planet. All the
members of Wang Wang and the Orangutan Gang
were personally effected by Woodstock because they
all got laid, high, and lots of money by tattooing various products’ logos all over their bodies. The world
was changed due to the final thing mentioned that
Woodstock is known for. Woodstock 2009 was far and
away the most successful Woodstock ever. Millions of
people came to see Wang Wang and the Orangutan
Gang alone. There was a fascination with this group.
There were those that loved the band when they were
still portrayed their Satan worshipping qualities.
Those people were interested to see how the new,
more God friendly group would do. Then there were
the people that had disliked Wang Wang and the
Orangutan Gang as they worshipped Satan, but then
changed their views on the group as they abandoned
their Satan worshipping tendencies. So, regardless of
why people were there, they all helped raise money
for NASA and helped them reach their goals. Yes, by
early 2010 NASA had sent a male and female coyote,
both stricken with rabies, to Mars. Well, it turns out
that this backfired mightily. Immediately, the coyotes
began having lots of sex, and lots of baby coyotes.
These baby coyotes started having sex and creating
their own baby coyotes, and frankly it was a ugly,
vicious, endless cycle. There was really no benefit
whatsoever to this experiment conducted by NASA.
The thing that really ended up biting NASA in the ass
was that they completely underestimated the intelligence levels of these coyotes. These coyotes were
genius coyotes. They could do no wrong. Before long,
they had begun to reproduce at such an alarming rate
that they were out of room on Mars. All the large metropolitan areas were overloaded. They had only one
option left. They had to create the technology to
return to Earth and take over Earth, making all
humans their slaves. So, by April of 2010 the coyotes
had the technology to return to Earth, and they began
to return to take over. The human race had only one
hope remaining. Without a doubt, that one hope was
Wang Wang and the Orangutan Gang. But what could
Wang Wang and his band do? After all, they were just
musicians, who had lived a relatively boring, normal
life. They knew nothing about how to protect the
earth from rabid martian coyotes. But, Wang Wang
and the Orangutan Gang had to do something. They
decided to...
bring back their old friend “Invisible Potion
257,” and combine it with Petie the Raccoon's flying
abilities. Wang Wang and Lou hopped on Petie and
told him to fly around the world, and Wang Wang told
Mathilde and Johnno to arm the Calcium bomb in
case the coyotes starting coming into the atmosphere.
But luckily, the coyotes were running behind schedule
because Fidel Castro had emigrated to Mars, trying to
make it Communist. But the coyotes ate him, and then
they were ready to get in their big spaceship and go
back to Earth. However, when they got there, Earth
was gone! It had disappeared! Little did they know
that Wang Wang and the gang had accomplished their
biggest feat ever, this time truly saving the entire
world from certain destruction. They spread so much
Invisible Potion 257 over the Earth that the coyotes
really thought that Earth had disappeared. So, the coyotes turned back to Mars and kept eating away at the
remains of Castro. This didn’t last long, and starvation
was about to set in. But a coyote in the midst gave out
a bellowing howl, instantly demanding that all the
other hydrophobic, sex crazed, crack addict, Martian
coyotes bow before him. His name was Johnny
Gorbachev. He had a big red spot on his head. People
often associate red spots with Mars, but they also
associate red spots with the old Russian leader named
Gorbachev. I guess this was all a big coincidence,
because Johnny’s favorite color was red, and he liked
phrases that rhymed, so he wanted to give himself a
“red head.” The local coyote newspaper covered it,
but they did a bad job of reporting, because they said
that Johnny’s red spot on his head was due to rabies,
which is just total bullshit. I mean, every coyote on
the planet had rabies, and Johnny was the only one
with a big damn red spot on his head. If you were
wondering just how many coyotes there were, you can
pick up a copy in your local library of the Martian
Coyote Census 2010. They do their census every
month, while we generally do ours only every purple.
I really think this is sad, because November is always
going to be bigger than Waterfall Andy, with or without the God of Commas. I am the narrator of this
story now. I am neither coyote nor clay. But back to
our census habits— that’s how we run things around
here on Earth, ever since our atmosphere turned invisible. I mean things have just been weird. The affects
of Invisible Potion 257 have been like bad acid rain.
People really don’t speak fluidly any more because
yogurt or yogurt officer? Doorbells and waffles we
can voted rarer a tennis. Anyways, in order to get rid
of this crazy narrator who just introduced himself and
also to reduce the awful pollution affects of Invisible
Potion 257, Wang Wang and the gang had to step up
again. First, to save the story, they got rid of the narrator by...
kicking the crap out of him. This proved to be
much more difficult than necessary. Wang Wang and
the Orangutan Gang made a gross error in judgment.
They first looked back to what they had just done by
making the Earth invisible. It was such an impressive
idea they decided to attempt a similar feat on the narrator. They started by simply throwing the Invisible
Potion 257 all over the narrator. Immediately, he disappeared. However, this made him harder to catch,
and the narrator started interrupting the story again
with his incoherent babbling. Like right now! Here I
am again! Wang Wang and the Orangutan Gang can
try to get rid of me, but I shall only return. I don’t
understand why people think I’m not sense making
person that talks with cookies to the blood bank to
take out a loan to buy stocks in balding fat men to
play the banjo and eat banana cream pie while looking out the window at the herd of wild cave women
whores from the golden shores of
Tyrhussiuamonantangolang chasing after just one single cycloptic manatee that is being carried on a cart to
the local 7-11 to purchase four dozen microwave burritos in a vain attempt to quench its insatiable need for
pleasure derived from watching the Blue Crew and
the Kangaroo hit the field of battle against the Flying
Chair Squad of Alimrod because the latter stole the
precious trophy of winged calculators as a traditional
prank done for the holiday of Uekila when they celebrate the successful quest of their messiah, Jim, as he
went to court against the mystical power of the
Jackrabbits Anonymous club of San Diego because...
OK. That narrator has successfully been sent to narration purgatory. Interestingly enough, as the diabolic
narrator has been vanquished, we also no longer have
to deal with the negative effects of Invisible Potion
257 on Earth’s atmosphere. You see, much like earlier
when everyone became non-invisible when the guards
got beaten up, now the earth became non invisible
when the narrator was sent to another story. At this
point, Earth had another problem. The coyotes were
hungry again. They came back to Earth, now that it
was visible again, and they immediately asked who
made Earth invisible. All of Earth’s inhabitants immediately pointed to Wang Wang. The coyotes, led by
Johnny Gorbachev, headed over to Wang Wang to eat
him. But, Wang Wang, on the ball as always, had a
plan. He opened his mouth and began to speak.
“Coyotes! Brothers! Halt this madness for a moment,
and let me speak my piece. Now, I understand you are
all upset and quite hungry. I think it’s safe to say we
all are hungry. I went to Taco Kingdom for lunch
today, and they charge $8.99 for a taco. Can you
believe that?! It’s not even a good taco. Well, that’s
not true. Honestly, it’s a delicious taco, but it’s small,
and one taco doesn’t fill you up, yet you can’t afford
to get more than one taco. So, what I’m trying to say
is, don’t eat me. You would be making a grave mistake. Come on now Gorbachev. Think about why
you’re here. Why are you here? No, the answer isn’t
to eat me. The answer is because NASA did an experiment in which two hydrophobic, sex crazed, crack
addict coyotes were sent to Mars to breed. They did,
and that’s where you’re from. Now, NASA couldn’t
do this on their own, mind you. They needed help.
They needed funds. To get their funds, they used
Woodstock. My band and I were the main attraction at
Woodstock. We are the reason NASA got the necessary funds. Without me and my band, you would not
exist. Therefore, I think anyone who has any ability to
use logic would realize that I am your God! Would
you eat your God? You are some sick coyotes. You
can’t eat me. I’ll send you straight to Hell!” As Wang
Wang said that, he realized that that wouldn’t necessarily be a good idea, because he wasn’t quite sure
Satan had yet de-pleasurized Hell, so Wang Wang was
forced to slightly alter his previous statement. “Wait.
No. You wouldn’t go to Hell... YOU WILL BE BANISHED FOR AN ETERNITY IN TEXAS!!!” Johnny
Gorbachev immediately got on his little coyote knees
and started begging for mercy. “Please dear lord Wang
Wang. Don’t send me to Texas. We will begin treating
you like the God that you are. Come back to Mars
with us and every one of your needs will be met.”
Wang Wang agreed, provided the rest of the band
could come with. The coyotes happily accepted. As
Wang Wang was flying to Mars, he got to thinking.
He is very tight with Satan. They had been through a
lot, and Wang Wang considered Satan one of his better friends. However, now that Wang Wang was God,
was it necessary that they become adversaries? Wang
Wang discussed this with the rest of the Orangutan
Gang, and Wang Wang and his co-deities decided
that...
Chapter 12
Broken Wings
the band and Satan could make a pact to rule
the universe together. But little did they know that
Satan had lost control of Hell, and he was in a very
pissy mood. He had followed Fidel Castro to Mars so
that he could be the ruler of something else in the universe (Walt Disney now ruled Hell), and since Mars
was red and fiery, Satan felt at home. All he was
missing now was inhabitants that he could rule over.
He knew that the coyotes would come back soon, so
he was excited. But when he saw that Wang Wang
and the Orangutan Gang were coming back with the
coyotes, Satan decided to take it all out on them. “It’s
all your fault that I lost control of Hell! I am nothing
because of you!” Satan yelled at Wang Wang. This
truly dumbfounded Wang Wang. He didn’t want to
merge forces with a guy that was “nothing” to try to
control the universe. At the same time, he couldn’t
leave Mars without confronting Satan, because the
guy was pissed. So Wang Wang talked him up.
“Satan, you are the best. I mean, you have the ability
to fly anywhere you want. You flew from Hell to
Mars in twenty minutes. Do you know how long it
takes Delta to do that? Well, they can’t. But even if
they could, no one would go on the flight, because it
would be too expensive. Well, I guess some people
would have a lot of frequent flyer miles and they
could get a free trip, but that’s not the point. No one
has more power than you Satan. Yeah, you lost control of Hell, but so what? I mean, Hell wasn’t that
great anyways.” Satan agreed, but he was still pretty
bitter. Wang Wang sensed this, and came up with, you
guessed it, a plan, in order to appease their old buddy
Satan. “Why don’t we open up a new airline, Satan?
With you and Petie, we’ll be unstoppable. We’ll have
the best flyers around. Plus, we’re all getting tired of
this band thing anyways. It’s time to move on. Plus,
all these coyotes are in forever in debt to me, so we
will have a lot of employees too. As long as we feed
them a human a day each, they will be satisfied.”
Whoa, Wang Wang took this back immediately. He
knew that this was the Achilles’ Heel of his plan, and
that Satan would never go for it. Satan loved humans
too much to allow thousands of them to die each day
for the sake of the hungry coyotes. Quickly, Wang
Wang recanted his statement, telling Satan that...
he will put the most genius coyote scientists to
work towards inventing new artificially human flavored treats. Wang Wang had been experimenting during his earlier days with mixtures of different random
foods and he found that the combination of grapes,
artichoke dip, spam, New England clam chowder,
pure milk chocolate, and a hint of oregano creates a
new food that tastes strikingly similar to human flesh.
Now, if the best coyote scientists around were given
this information, they could assuredly come up with a
new, improved substance that is nearly identical to
human flesh. In a taste test, hopefully nine out of ten
coyotes wouldn’t be able to tell the difference
between this new product and true human flesh anyway. Satan was satisfied with this part of the plan, but
something still troubled him. He didn’t want to be so
busy to the point where he and Petie would be the
only “airliners” this new company would have. Wang
Wang, always on his toes, saw this as a potential
problem. He had a plan. The answer was quite obvious actually. Wang Wang simply decided it would be
necessary for Petie and Satan to copulate for the sole
purpose of creating a new breed of super flying
Satanic raccoons. Petie and Satan had long found each
other attractive and actually both were searching for a
way to initiate some kind of special relationship
between the two of them, but they both were a little
nervous about the whole situation. To them, this was a
terrific idea, and they both got to work right there on
some Martian rock. Naturally, everyone else was disgusted and immediately left the area. However, sure
enough, before long, the Satanic raccoons were
sprouting up all over the place and Wang Wang realized it was about time to get their new business in the
public eye. Advertising was of course the key to this,
but before advertising could get underway, a new
name must be thought of. Wang Wang was looking
for a name that was catchy and could perhaps translate to a nice jingle, although he realized it would be
tough for him to beat the Anarchy Gum jingle they
had earlier devised. Regardless, Wang Wang, with
help from coyote advertising experts came up with the
jingle...
“Broken Wings.” After all, it was Johnno’s
favorite 80’s song, and Satan was a big fan of the
group that wrote that hit, Mr. Mister. Everyone
thought the name would be perfect for the airline, and
consumers did, too. Broken Wings became the safest
airline in the world, not to mention the most punctual.
Petie and Satan were the biggest “planes,” and they
were best at flying long distances. Their kids, actually
Satanic raccoons, approaching some 50 “planes” now,
were not as big, but they were faster; they were excellent at short distance flights. One of the kids, lovingly
called “Bullet Bob,” set a record by flying from
Chicago to Los Angeles in 19 seconds. Even the coyotes were happy— they were being well fed with
“Veggie Flesh” and “Tofu Human Mix,” and their pay
on the job was fantastic. But while Broken Wings was
having much success, a few people were being forgotten. Namely, Lou, Johnno, and Mathilde were not
happy with the direction that Wang Wang, Petie, and
Satan were going. Fed up with this treatment, they
finally had the courage to break away from Wang
Wang, their mentor for many years (some would
argue that he was their dictator and that they were
mere slaves). This was a sad moment, but Lou,
Johnno, and Mathilde were convinced that their new
airline would be better and much warmer. You see,
while Satan, Petie, and the kids were indeed fast, passengers often complained of coldness and ranking
smells during the flights. After all, they were riding
on the backs of these dirty, hairy big “planes” without
any covering over or around them. So, the passengers
were cold and had to deal with “planes” who had not
put deodorant on for many days. Everyone hates irresponsible planes who don’t take showers. At any rate,
Lou, Johnno, and Mathilde used this weakness in their
competing airline to bolster their own airline business.
They called it...
“The Orangutan Express,” due to the fact that
they were the other members of Wang Wang and the
Orangutan Gang. The motto of the Orangutan Express
was “We may not be fast, and we may not be safe, but
we are warm and we smell like delicious peaches.”
Well, despite the name and motto, the Orangutan
Express was less than successful when they first
entered business. After all, they had no planes and
they had no employees. The customers would arrive
at the airport and there was nothing Lou, Johnno, or
Mathlide could do to provide for them. However,
Lou, Johnno, and Mathilde did have one thing that
Wang Wang’s new gang didn’t have. That’s the
tremendous slutting ability of Mathilde. Mathilde was
able to lure one of the coyote scientists over to the
Orangutan Express gang. This scientist, who went by
the name of “Hungry Polly” was willing to do anything for Mathilde. So, Mathilde asked Hungry Polly
to add a little drug into the “Veggie Flesh” and “Tofu
Human Mix” of the Satanic raccoons. This drug
would alter the mind states of many Satanic raccoons,
and these “planes” would be naturally drawn over to
the Orangutan Express. Then, the gang would have
them reproduce new planes. The key was to pick the
two cleanest Satanic raccoons of the bunch. The
Satanic raccoons selected were “Clean Kevin” and
“Spotless Susana.” Not only are these Satanic raccoons already clean, but they would be given weekly
showers. Now, as for the warmness factor— that was
another case altogether. The plan was to have Hungry
Polly create a little heated crate that would be mounted on the Satanic raccoons’ backs. Hungry Polly was
a complete genius, and he was able to create a terrifically warm crate. The plan worked to perfection.
Within weeks, The Orangutan Express was rivaling
Broken Wings as the best airline available. Naturally,
Wang Wang was furious. Not only had three of his
good friends done this to him, but one of them was
his brother for crying out loud! His own brother left
him and now is working on defeating him in the field
of airline battle. Well, Wang Wang wouldn’t go down
so easily. He decided to do something in return to sabotage The Orangutan Express. Wang Wang...
had to deal with the fact that Satan, the
Martian coyotes, and all of the Satanic Raccoons
(Satan and Petie’s kids) had now been lured to work
for the Orangutan Express. Hungry Polly’s secret
ingredient in the “Veggie Flesh” and “Tofu Human
Mix” was just that good. But Wang Wang did not lose
all hope. Quite some time ago, say in Chapter Nine,
we left many of our good friends back in the service
of North Korea’s government. Well, all of their terms
had now expired, and they were desperately seeking
new jobs. Sure enough, they all were so good at
working together that they all wanted to go somewhere so that they could continue to work together.
But no companies had that many vacant positions.
But lo and behold, Wang Wang saw his old friends’
plights, and he instantly hired all of them to replace
the Satan, the Martian coyotes, and all of the Satanic
Raccoons who had stabbed him in the back. In a bold
press conference, Wang Wang introduced his new
staff that would aid himself and Petie the Raccoon.
The new employees for Broken Wings were: Etiquette
Gringo the rhino, Kimani, the 8,793 guards, Wang
Wang’s uncle Copernicus Clownpenis, Shoeless Joe
Jackson, the blind seven-fingered homeless man, the
two restaurant owners Cannibal Jorge and Sloppy
Pete, the lesbian lovers Mary Wang Wang and Bessie,
Pierre and Wang Wang 2025, North Korea’s political
adviser Stromile Soap, Mighty Mouse, Mishi Akoobu
the newscaster, the South Korean roadside worker,
Enrique the delivery boy who was actually Tom
Green, Wang Wang’s very special Grandpa Magoo,
the angry mob of two men, the Village People, Mr.
Guinness and Mr. Richter, the Blue and Red Gods,
Equality Robinson the student from Bacon Sweeney
HS, Kathy the waitress, Horatio, Chief Buffalo
Sunday, Madeline, Sunshine, and last but not least,
SirLancealot. Although all this good fortune was coming to Broken Wings, things were not so good over at
The Orangutan Express Headquarters, appropriately
placed in Mitchell, South Dakota. You see, everyone
was really getting sick of the “Veggie Flesh” and
“Tofu Human Mix” because Hungry Polly had run out
of his secret ingredient! So Satan, the Martian coyotes, and all of the Satanic Raccoons planned a revolt
against Lou, Mathilde, and Johnno. But good old
Hungry Polly, ever faithful to Mathilde, warned her.
Lou, Mathilde, and Johnno quickly departed, and they
also realized that they had made a grave mistake in
leaving Wang Wang. They went over to Des Moines,
Iowa (former site of an Anarchy Gum factory), which
now housed the Broken Wings Headquarters. The trio
begged Wang Wang to take them back, and they also
told Wang Wang that Satan, the Martian coyotes, and
all of the Satanic Raccoons were ready to revolt no
matter what. They were all craving hungry Polly’s
missing secret ingredient. It didn’t take Wang Wang
much time to accept back his brother, Mathilde the
Tooth Fairy, and Johnno as well. Meanwhile, Hungry
Polly, torn between his deep passionate love for
Mathilde and his heritage of the coyotes, turned himself into a passive frog with the help of a magic book
he found by the Corn Palace. At any rate, Wang Wang
and the gang were back together, with the exception
of Satan. However, although they all knew each other
very well, they weren’t accustomed to what they were
about to face: a problem, a confrontation, an opposition. Wang Wang was scared, but unlikely circumstances usually accompany unlikely actions. And so,
Wang Wang came up with a plan to fight off Satan,
the Martian coyotes, and all of the Satanic Raccoons.
It was an intricate plan that involved every single one
of his people. But first, the group had to get over
some old grudges. First of all, many people in the
gang had been killed previously, so they all had to get
over that. The 8,793 guards still held some hard feelings towards Wang Wang for all the stuff he tricked
them into, but they forgave as well. Things might
have been roughest on Petie, who had to forget how
good Satan was in bed, because he would have to
fight Satan now. Petie also had to forget about all of
his kids. He also had to deal with his lack of genitals.
You see, he had been without them for some time
(they were shot off quite some time ago), and unfortunately, when Wang Wang suggested that Petie and
Satan copulate, Petie had no way to do this! So Satan
graciously leased Petie some genitals for a week. But
now, Petie was genital-less again. But back to the
plan. Naturally, since the two companies waging war
against each other were excellent in air combat, they
would use the tunnels of the familiar Des Moines
International Subway as the main battleground. Wang
Wang rallied his troops together with a battle cry:
“Satan gave Petie the illusion that he had genitals just
so Satan could you know... and now we’re going to
fight off the coyotes, the Satanic raccoons, and Satan,
so Petie can get his genitals back from Satan!” Petie
was hooting and hollering, sporting several signs, one
of which said: “Wang Wang rules!” But no one else in
the group seemed motivated to fight a war just to
recover Petie’s nuts. But Wang Wang didn’t gave up.
He had come this far in uniting this group together,
and he knew he could motivate them all. Ever since
Wang Wang had been a young boy, he knew how
motivating an Oreo cookie could be. He had fond
memories of Lou getting out a dead cat, a ladder,
climbing shoes, and magnets in order to get to the top
of the refrigerator just to get to the cookie jar, which
held nothing else but an Oreo cookie. Wang Wang did
the same when he reached adolescence, but the irony
was, he and Lou never actually reached the cookie jar.
Now that he thought about it, Wang Wang didn’t think
he had ever tasted an Oreo cookie in his life. But he
was sure that all of his employees would be tempted
by some. So he promised everyone a batch of Oreo
cookies if they would one, help him win the war
against Satan, the Martian coyotes, and all of the
Satanic Raccoons, and two, be dedicated workers to
Broken Wings following the war. It worked! So, that
night, as Wang Wang and his gang were hiding in the
Des Moines International Subway...
waiting for the train to come, nothing happened for a long time. There was really no reason to
hide, but it’s really more fun when you pretend life is
just a big game. That’s really a ridiculous point of
view though. Life is not a game. Life is real.
Sometimes life decides to throw you a swift
kick in the genitals, or in the case of Petie, the area
where the genitals used to be, and when life does this
to you, you can’t just hide in the Des Moines
International Subway. That’s just stupid. Instead, you
should grab some ice, throw it on your marbles, and
go on with life. Wang Wang didn’t fully comprehend
this fact. So, there the gang was hiding out in army
fatigues waiting for the trail like a bunch of freaking
fools. So, finally the train got there. However, Wang
Wang and the gang were hiding so well that the conductor didn’t see anyone there, so he just kept on
going. Wang Wang and the gang missed the train
because of Wang Wang’s stupidity. So, they had seven
hours to wait for the next train. Wang Wang and the
gang played a giant game of pictionary while they
waited for the train. Equality Robinson is an awful
artist. When it was his turn to go up and draw, he had
to draw “pride.” He drew a picture of horse bucking
off its rider, that happened to be a 6-year old girl. It
was the most ridiculously awful picture ever drawn. It
had nothing to do with pride. Well, this was a second
quick kick in the genitals life threw Equality since
they got to the Des Moines International Subway. You
see, as we have learned, sometimes Wang Wang and
his gang act too much on their impulses. Sometimes
things are done that make little sense, although admittedly these times are most likely rare when compared
to such things other people do. But, this was one of
those times that people got upset and acted rashly.
Everyone began screaming at Equality and went
straight up Piggy from Lord of the Flies on his sorry
ass as they broke his glasses and threw him on the
train tracks. Immediately a train came and crushed
Equality while the rest of the gang hopped aboard.
Life’s a bitch. Anyway, the rest of the gang took a
seat on the train and waited for it to depart to
Mitchell. The train went about 3 miles before stopping in the middle of nowhere. Then it
stopped and all the lights turned off. The power had
gone out. Fuck the world. The gang then had to come
up with another game to play. Grandpa Magoo suggested they play hangman, but then everyone yelled at
him because you can’t play hangman when you can’t
see shit. So, naturally Wang Wang took his grandpa
and stabbed him in the throat with a bayonet. They
threw his old, wrinkled carcass off the train.
Thankfully, before anyone else could be killed, the
train moved again. But, then it stopped after about
half an hour. Wang Wang, realizing that the last two
games had led to murder, recommended to the group
that they didn’t play a game. Mr. Guinness became
upset because he had a real yearning to play a game
of Scrabble, so in the nature of previous actions, he
tried to kill Wang Wang with a spoon. Wang Wang
instead grabbed his magic electricity death gun. He
pointed it at Mr. Guinness and pumped 700,000 volts
into him. Mr. Guinness immediately was set on fire
and burned to death. In fact, the fire was so strong
that the entire subway car burst into flames.
Thankfully, no one else was killed as a new car was
brought to them. They all hopped in, and made it
safely to Mitchell. Now, due to the fact that three
members of their party had been
murdered, Wang Wang had to alter his plan slightly.
In the new plan, Wang Wang...
took Cannibal Jorge and Sloppy Pete, the two
restaurant owners, to the caboose so that the three
could speak in private. Unfortunately, Wang Wang
was going to have to create a diversion. This meant
turning the 8,793 guards into a giant meatball in order
to feed Satan, the Satanic raccoons, and the Martian
coyotes. Wang Wang wanted Cannibal Jorge and
Sloppy Pete to cook up some great spices to complement the meatball as well as an appetizer, preferably
not one. After Wang Wang 2025 transformed the
8,793 guards into the mega-meatball, Cannibal Jorge
and Sloppy Pete added some spicy orange and tangerine juices to it, and it tasted great. So, everyone
pushed the meatball up Mount Mitchell, and then they
let it slide all the way down into the valley where the
core of the city was. Meanwhile, Satan was giving a
big speech about the dangers of juggling without a
helmet. “Now, if you want to try to juggle four tennis
balls, you have to...” KLONK! The meatball, with its
now incerdible velocity, nailed Satan in the rear, and
he flung headfirst into his audience of Satanic raccoons and Martian coyotes. But, everything was fine,
because now everyone had a big source of food. They
ate the meatball for many days and many nights.
Unbeknownst to the members of the Orangutan
Express, however, was the fact that Wang Wang and
his gang were plotting their battle plan against Satan
and company up on Mount Mitchell. Wang Wang
decided to send his army down in waves. He knew
that Satan and company would be able to withstand
the first few waves, but in the end, Satan and company would be worn out. First, Wang Wang sent down
Etiquette Gringo the rhino, who was such a brave little fighter. He ran down the mountain with all his
might, yelling “Charge! Charge!” as he carried a footlong stick that was two inches longer than himself.
But, as he got halfway down the mountain running as
fast as his little legs could carry him, he tripped, and
tumbled the rest of the way down. This was pretty
funny. And although Satan, the Satanic raccoons, and
the Martian coyotes were busy eating their meatball,
they saw Etiquette right away and sadly, Satan ate
him. So Wang Wang’s plan was working to perfection.
But not everyone saw this. No one wanted to go down
there to fight Satan, the Satanic raccoons, and the
Martian coyotes after what they had just seen. But
Wang Wang mentioned the Oreo cookies, and everyone was salivating from the mouth again. Wang Wang
then sent down the angry mob of two men with great
confidence, believing that if an angry mob couldn’t do
some damage, nothing could. But Wang Wang and the
gang saw those two go down in defeat even faster
than good old Etiquette had. Flabbergasted, Wang
Wang went with his secret weapon— the blind sevenfingered homeless man. But, since he was blind, he
went down the wrong side of the mountain, and he
never came back. Kimani, Tom Green, and
SirLancealot volunteered to fight next, and among
them, only SirLancealot proved to be a worthy fighter
before dying off. Yet no significant damage had been
done as of yet. Scared for their lives, Pierre and Wang
Wang 2025 said “Adios” and went back to the future
to make grilled ham and cheese sandwiches. It was at
this time that Mr. Richter stepped up and offered to
help. He said that he had a machine that could generate a powerful earthquake if three volunteers would
like to enter the machine. Mishi Akoobu the newscaster, Horatio, and North Korea’s former political adviser
Stromile Soap all volunteered to enter the machine.
While Mr. Richter’s machine did generate an earthquake, it was on Mars and not Earth, so it did no good
in their cause against Satan. Also, because of this
faulty error in the machine, Mishi Akoobu the newscaster, Horatio, and North Korea’s former political
adviser Stromile Soap were all stuck on Mars forever
now. A frustrated Mr. Richter then professed his love
for the blind seven fingered homeless man , and he is
still searching for him today. It was now midday, and
the gang needed a break. The Village People provided
some entertainment for a while, and then they too
decided to leave Wang Wang and the gang so that
they could go on a worldwide reunion tour. Wang
Wang was in a real debacle now. Not only had the
meatball not created a sufficient diversion, but he had
lost many of his faithful troops. Wang Wang was now
only accompanied by Lou, Mathilde, Johnno, Petie,
Uncle Copernicus Clownpenis, Shoeless Joe Jackson,
the two restaurant owners Cannibal Jorge and Sloppy
Pete, the lesbian lovers Mary Wang Wang and Bessie,
Mighty Mouse, the South Korean roadside worker, the
Blue and Red Gods, Kathy the waitress, Chief Buffalo
Sunday, Madeline, and Sunshine. Interestingly
enough, the number of people on Wang Wang’s side,
including Wang Wang himself, was 19. Now in considering the number 19’s relation to historical relevance, Wang Wang concluded that...
the natural way to defeat Satan and his evil
crew would be with the assistance of Zeus: The
Master of Olympus. It has become common knowledge that Zeus’s lucky number was 19. It all goes
back to the year 19 A.D. Zeus was hanging out with
his good ol’ buddy Jesus. They decided to go chill at
Sinai for a bit, smoke some crack, and look at constellations. Zeus was fascinated by astronomy, and J.C.
was telling Zeus about why his dad made some of the
constellations he did. However, J.C. could only find
19 of them. For example, one day God was craving
some milk. So, he created the Little Dipper. He real-
ized that the Little Dipper wasn’t big enough for him
(it only gave him 19 liters), so he made the Big
Dipper. But, then once he made the Big Dipper, he
realized that it provided far too much milk (this provided 1919 liters). Originally, he thought he’d make a
middle ground, but upon further review, he decided to
just make someone else to drink the extra milk. That’s
where Orion came in. However, Orion got extremely
pissed off, because he likes skim milk, but God was
quite partial to whole milk. Orion’s stomach actually
couldn’t handle whole milk. As soon as he swallowed
God’s milk, he became violently ill, and when he
becomes violently ill, he becomes just completely
straight up violent. Orion immediately pulled for his
bow and 19 arrows to shoot at his Creator.
Unfortunately for Orion, the arrows all broke, each
into 19 pieces, because as soon as God saw Orion’s
rage, he immediately sent 19 of his invisible helpers
to assist him. They are quite good. In fact, some say
they are 19 times better than the visible variety.
Anyway, this is the reason why Wang Wang realized,
due to the number 19, that he could rely on Zeus to
help them out. Immediately Wang Wang started praying to Zeus: “Oh Zeus. We need your...” Before Wang
Wang could even tell Zeus what he needed, Zeus was
there. Zeus, over the years, has become pissed off,
because no one takes him seriously. Now, to most
people, he’s just a character for stupid stories, not too
unlike this one. So, Zeus said he’d do anything to
help Wang Wang out. He has been bored as all hell
for the last several hundred years. Wang Wang was
fresh out of ideas, so he asked Zeus if he had any
ideas. Zeus, being the ruler of all Olympian gods, had
a terrific idea. He would use a trident to poke them
and bring a hurricane to their place of business. Wang
Wang was a little confused because he thought that
was more of a Poseidoneseque thing to do. Zeus then
began hurling obscenities left and right. Wang Wang
was right. Zeus was just a little rusty, because he hadn’t done any of this vengeance stuff for a while. So,
Zeus realized the more appropriate thing to do would
be throw lightning at them. So, Zeus began attacking
Satan’s crew. This resulted in...
some fantastic results, but only briefly. Zeus
was worn out after killing off about half of the
Martian coyotes and also half of the Satanic raccoons.
He simply had no more lightning left in him. Mighty
Mouse stepped up and told Wang Wang that he had a
lightning rechargeable human battery, and this would
have solved their problem, but unfortunately, Zeus
was no human. Zeus saw this plight and was willing
to take the ultimate sacrifice: he willingly would turn
himself into a human and lose all of his supernatural
powers. Wang Wang asked him 19 times if he was
absolutely sure that he wanted to convert to a mortal
man, and 19 times Zeus said “Yes!” Once human,
Zeus realized he had made a grave mistake. Without
his supernatural powers, he had no lightning that
could be recharged. It was a lose-lose situation,
because the only way Zeus could use the lightning
rechargeable human battery would be if he were
human, but now that he was, he didn’t have his lightning powers. Clearly, the company that made the
lightning rechargeable human battery was a total
scam. Luckily, Mighty Mouse was a lawyer, so he and
Zeus went off to sue that battery company. But Wang
Wang was once again stuck with the dilemma of
killing off the Orangutan Express. Suddenly, the Red
God spoke up: “Satan has a self destruct button on his
left pinkie toe!” The Blue God begged to differ: “No,
he doesn’t.” Seeing no other signs of hope, Wang
Wang decided to send down Chief Buffalo Sunday to
try and press the alleged self-destruct button on Satan.
As the Chief secretly snuck upon Satan’s huge foot,
he began searching for the button, but there was none
to be found. Satan sensed an itch on his foot, and then
he saw Chief Buffalo Sunday scurrying around his
left pinkie toe. Satan wiggled him off and then
stepped on him. Wang Wang saw this and grimaced in
pain, while the Red God bellowed with laughter.
Obviously, he was the damn liar. But Wang Wang
controlled his anger and decided to use the Red God
as an asset. He commanded the Red God to go down
and talk to Satan, and the Red God did so. Satan, also
being a “Red God” if you will, saw the Red God and
got somewhat jealous. So he went over and talked to
him. The Red God, the epitome of untruthfulness,
blurted out that “Wang Wang and company are in the
maximum security prison in Houston, Texas!” Satan
quickly gathered up his troops and they all went to
Houston in search of Wang Wang. But after entering
the prison, they naturally did not find any members of
Broken Wings. Then they tried to get out, but the
prison guard would hear nothing of it. “Honestly,
we’re not criminals! We were just looking for Wang
Wang and company. Let us out now!” Satan demanded. The prison guard shook his head. “I’ve already
heard that story twice today. Get back in your cell.”
And so that was that. The evil members of the
Orangutan Express were locked up in Texas (wow
that sucks) for life sentences, all thanks to the Red
God. Wang Wang, Lou, Mathilde, Johnno, Petie,
Uncle Copernicus Clownpenis, Shoeless Joe Jackson,
the two restaurant owners Cannibal Jorge and Sloppy
Pete, the lesbian lovers Mary Wang Wang and Bessie,
the South Korean roadside worker, the Blue and Red
Gods, Kathy the waitress, Madeline, and Sunshine all
celebrated their victory. It was now time to break out
the Oreo cookies. So Wang Wang and everyone went
to the local Mitchell grocery store. However, buying
the Oreo cookies wasn’t as easy as one might have
thought...
Chapter 13
Untitled
The owner of the one grocery store in Mitchell
had heard of Wang Wang’s little plan to give Oreo
cookies to all of them at the end of their big adventure. This owner, Mr. Glenn Stankovia, decided to
take advantage of this little situation. Glenn had a
monopoly on Oreo cookies in the Mitchell metropolitan area. Being the business bastard that he is, he
decided to completely jack up the prices on Oreo
cookies, just as Wang Wang and his crew succeeded
in their mission. Then, Wang Wang would be forced
to purchase the cookies at an exorbitant price. There
was really nothing Wang Wang would be able to do
about it, because he had promised the Oreos. Wang
Wang would be screwed.Wang Wang would need to
buy 16 boxes of cookies. However, Wang Wang realized that with 16 boxes, that did not include Wang
Wang, Zeus, and Petie. Interestingly, since Wang
Wang had to get Oreos for everyone involved, he
needed a total of 19 boxes of Oreos. Yes, 19. Yes, 19.
However, Glenn jacked the price up to $50 a box.
Wang Wang wasn’t about to spend $950 on Oreos. I
mean, no. No way at all. But, things weren’t that easy
for Wang Wang. He had promised Oreos to everyone
else. They simply wouldn’t take no for an answer.
When Wang Wang got to Glenn’s store with the rest
of the gang, he was all set to buy the Oreos. Then he
saw the price. He announced: “Sorry guys. $950 is
too much for Oreos. We’ll have to do this another
time.” Everyone began to protest. They wanted what
they were promised, and they wanted it now. They
unanimously made a threat to Wang Wang that if he
did not buy the Oreos, he would be killed. It was as
simple as that. Wang Wang held his ground. He just
couldn’t justify such a purpose. At this point, the
South Korean roadside worker became particularly
agitated. He hadn’t eaten in seven years. He grabbed
his chainsaw and chopped Wang Wang’s left arm off.
Wang Wang then realized that these people meant
business. Wang Wang reached into his pocket and
pulled out all his money. Unfortunately for Wang
Wang, he had only $3.58. That would hardly buy him
even a single Oreo. Now it was time to improvise.
However, Wang Wang had three problems. First,
Glenn was very cautious making sure no one stole
anything. Second, Wang Wang had no left arm. And
third...
his ass itched like no other. Wang Wang took
care of that problem quickly. He simply scratched his
butt until it itched no more. Then Madeline told Wang
Wang that he only needed 17 boxes of Oreos because
Mighty Mouse was no longer with the group. Wang
Wang was delighted, but he still knew that $850 was
too much to pay. Lacking any ideas, Wang Wang
decided to buy himself some time. He said, “Are you
sure? Because we had nineteen people. Then Zeus
came along, but then he and Mighty Mouse left. And
then Chief Buffalo Sunday died. All this math is too
confusing. Let’s do a head count to make sure we
only need to buy 17 boxes. Okay, everyone get in
order. Whoever’s favorite color is closest to the beginning of the alphabet, get on the far left.” Petie raised
his paw and had to admit that brown was his favorite
color. But then Bessie said her favorite color was
blue. But then Sunshine said her favorite color was
azure. So she got on the far left since “azure” was
closest to the beginning of the alphabet. After about
thirty minutes, everyone was lined up, from Sunshine
starting with azure to Sloppy Pete with yellow. “Okay,
now that we are in a sensible order, everyone needs to
say your number out loud. That way, when we get to
the end with Sloppy Pete, we will know how many
people we have. So you start Sunshine!” announced
Wang Wang. Sunshine yelled out “One!” and then
Bessie said “Two!” Everything was going great. But
then Petie yelled out “Brown!” Wang Wang let out a
big sigh. “Petie, we’re counting here. No colors, just
numbers.” Petie apologized, and they started over.
Everyone said out their number, and when they got to
the end, Sloppy Pete said, “Sixteen!” Wang Wang was
about to confirm this, but then everyone saw Uncle
Copernicus Clownpenis come back into the line, and
he said, “Sorry, I had to go to the bathroom. Is it my
turn yet?” Wang Wang sighed again, realizing that
they had skipped Uncle Copernicus Clownpenis, thus
causing an inaccurate head count. They started over
again, and this time, Sloppy Pete said “Seventeen!”
when it was all over. Wang Wang turned to Madeline
and said “Hey, I guess you were right. We only need
seventeen boxes.” Everyone was glad that they had
taken the time necessary to do the proper head count.
Unfortunately, everyone still wanted their Oreos, and
even in all the time it had taken to do the head count,
Wang Wang still had not thought of anything to do.
But then, he saw a sign above Mr. Glenn Stankovia’s
head. It read: “Monthly special: Buy one reattachyour-arm-at-home-surgery-kit and get 17 boxes of
Oreos for free!” Wow. Wang Wang was saved. He
pointed out the sign and said that he would like to
take advantage of that deal. Mr. Glenn Stankovia realized his grave mistake and reluctantly allowed Wang
Wang to make the purchase. Coincidentally, the reattach-your-arm-at-home-surgery-kit cost $3.58, the
exact amount that Wang Wang had in his pocket. So,
the gang exited the grocery store with their Oreos, and
Wang Wang quickly sewed back his left arm, and he
apologized to the South Korean roadside worker for
almost failing to give him his fair share of Oreos.
Meanwhile, Mary Wang Wang was reading a national
newspaper which had a front page article about the
current status of Broken Wings and the Orangutan
Express. Little did Wang Wang know that...
Satan and the coyotes were working on an
escape plan from prison. Once they escaped, they
planned on rebuilding their airline empire. You see,
Satan had connections. Hell, he is from Hell. You
know what kind of people go to Hell? There are three
kinds of people. Criminals, just all around bad people,
and Texans. Well, in those three, he could call up two
of those kinds of people for help. The criminals and
Texans can help out. Criminals are simply good help
when trying to figure out how to escape from prison.
First Satan called up to his service Herbert
Yubruhenal. Herbert was famous for being arrested
173 times and being sent to jail at Alcatraz. Every single time he successfully escaped, except for the last
time. The last time he was swimming back to the
shore of good ol’ San Francisco when a shark began
chasing him. He did successfully outswim the shark.
He’s a great swimmer. However, when he got back to
land, he found out that there had been the famous zoo
break of 1867. All the animals from the zoo had
escaped and taken over the city. All of the city inhabitants were safely locked up in their homes. However,
Herbert didn’t know about this. He was locked up in a
cell on a dirty island. He was completely unaware of
the zoo break (although, this did explain the toucan
that had been hanging out outside his cell the last few
days). Well, he got to the beach and found it odd
when there were lions patrolling the beach. But,
Herbert could handle that. He wasn’t afraid of lions.
Then he got onto the streets and saw tigers. But,
Herbert could handle that. He wasn’t afraid of tigers.
Then he went deeper into the city and saw some big
ass polar bears. But, Herbert could handle that. He
wasn’t afraid of polar bears. Next Herbert saw some
dingoes. But, Herbert could handle that. He wasn’t
afraid of dingoes. But then next Herbert saw one of
the dingoes was carrying a cage. He approached the
dingo to see what was in the cage. Oh no! It was a
mouse! Herbert immediately soiled his pants and
turned and ran back towards the beach. He would
rather be in jail then be in a city overrun by caged
mice. So, Herbert jumped back into the water and
began swimming back to Alcatraz— back home. But,
on the way he got eaten by a shark, so he died and
went to Hell. The other person Satan called up was
Benjamin Smatulic. Ben was the Emperor of Texas in
the late 16th century. He had grown up in Italy, but
decided he wanted to rule a bunch of ignoramuses.
What better place to do that than in Texas!? So, he
went to Texas and used his superior intellect to brainwash these people. Soon, he was using the Texans
dim-witted foolishness against them to take over the
whole damn thing. No one knew more about how to
control these people’s lives than Ben. So, Satan now
had all of his resources. Satan’s next step was to...
use his army of rabid coyotes and Satanic raccoons to overpower the prison guards. Basically, he
didn’t really need Herbert Yubruhenal or Ben
Smatulic, and Satan didn’t know why he had called
them up. But he needed to think of a reason quick
because the warden Leviticus was coming to inspect
the cells, and Satan was not allowed to have guests in
his cell. Leviticus peered in and asked Satan why
these two men were in his room. Satan simply
explained that these two men had been jailed, and
since there was a shortage in the prison due to hundreds of rabid coyotes and Satanic raccoons, the two
men would have to bunk with Satan for a while. But
Leviticus wasn’t buying Satan’s story. After all, the
rabid coyotes and Satanic raccoons had been gone for
weeks. But Leviticus played along for a little bit.
“Whatever were these two men jailed for, Satan?”
Satan saw his opportunity and grabbed it by the balls.
“Well Leviticus, these two guys used to work in a
casino in Las Vegas. Well, as all casinos tend to do,
the one that they were working for was closed on
Botswana Day. And, as casinos tend to do, they wanted to re-open the next evening right at 6 p.m. Now,
Herbert and Ben here were responsible for re-opening
the casino right at 6 p.m. that next day. However, on
the way to the casino, Herbert had forgotten the key
to the front door to the casino. Ben here told Herbert
not to worry though, because all keys in the world
were identical. Herbert said ‘You’re right! We can just
use my car keys to open the casino.’” At this point,
everyone gave Satan an odd stare. Herbert and Ben
had no idea what Satan was talking about, because
they had never worked together at a casino before.
And Leviticus gave Satan a skeptical look because he
really didn’t think that all the keys in the world were
identical. “If every key was identical, anyone could
have broken into that casino that whole day. Hell, if
every key was the same...” Satan interrupted Leviticus
and said, “Can i continue with the story? Thank you.
Nevertheless, Herbert and Ben got to the casino, and
they were not worried at all. They knew that Herbert’s
car keys would work. But, they didn’t. In fact, they
tried to open the casino door for two hours with no
luck. By 8 p.m., their boss showed up and fired them
on the spot. In fact, he sued Herbert and Ben for a lot
of money. The boss had lost over $3 million in those
two hours that the casino had accidentally been
closed. So, that Leviticus, is why these boys are here.
And on a personal note, I agree with them. All keys in
the world are the same.” Leviticus disagreed. “Satan,
if all keys were the same, then Herbert and Ben would
have been able to open the casino on time with
Herbert’s car keys.” Satan disagreed. “They were just
sticking it in upside down.” A frustrated Leviticus
handed Satan the prison keychain and said, “Listen,
take a look at these keys, Satan. They are not all the
same! I will be right back with the other prison
guards. We will all prove to you three guys that all
keys are not identical. I’ll be right back.” Boy was
Leviticus stupid. Satan unlocked the cell door and he,
Herbert, and Ben went to unleash all of the rabid coyotes and Satanic raccoons. However, a prison guard
named Vest told them that the rabid coyotes and
Satanic raccoons had escaped weeks ago. Satan
cursed himself, realizing that he was getting dumber
and slower with age. But he, Herbert, and Ben quickly
got out of the prison. Meanwhile, Leviticus had
rounded up 17 other prison guards who were setting
out to prove to Satan that all keys were not the same.
Needless to say, Satan and the other two men were
gone when Leviticus returned to the vacant cell. Once
outside the prison, Satan told Herbert and Ben to
climb on his back. The trio would fly around until
they found the rabid coyotes and Satanic raccoons.
Then Satan was going to chew them out for not
including him on their big escape several weeks ago.
After a few days and nights of flying, Satan spotted
the rabid coyotes and Satanic raccoons in the distance.
Much to Satan’s surprise...
the crazy animals had gotten a big ol’ game of
baseball going. It was the coyotes versus the raccoons. Their nicknames were the Coyotes and the
Raccoons. The coyotes were the Raccoons and the
raccoons were the Coyotes. As Satan approached with
Herbert and Ben, he saw that the Coyotes, who were
really raccoons, were up to bat. The star hitter, batting
third in the lineup, was Bullet Bob. The Coyotes, who
were really raccoons, were trailing 4-3 in a terrific
back and forth game. There were currently two outs
and no one on base in the ninth inning. The
Raccoons’ (who were really coyotes) manager,
Hungry Polly, decided it was time for a pitching
change. He took out Gerry Hoebag Ruthenstine who
had really pitched a gem for 8.2 innings. It is widely
accepted that the offense of the Coyotes, who are really raccoons, is the second best offense in the history
of baseball. It was second only to the 1997 Cubs of
course. The fact that Ruthenstine was able to pitch
that well was remarkable. Obviously, because the raccoons and coyotes are so smart, they decided not to
use the designated hitter rule. Actually, it wasn’t even
much of a decision. The only reason that rule exists is
so old washed out has beens or never was’s can continue to play “baseball,” to use the term lightly. I
mean, is it really baseball if you only hit? In my opinion, you have to take the field to be considered a real
baseball player. The designated hitter is a pathetic rule
and not only baseball, but the world would be better
off without it. The raccoons and coyotes understood
this and had no designated hitter. Therefore,
Ruthenstine also had to hit. But, Ruthenstine was a
good hitter as it was. In fact, Ruthenstine took the
three hole in the lineup. He went 3-3 on the day at the
plate with a solo homerun, a two run jack, a single, 2
stolen bases, 3 RBI’s and 3 runs scored. Pitching— he
went 8.2 innings, gave up 3 hits, walked 2, and struck
out 18. He simply had a remarkable game. He was
most definitely the player of the game up to this point.
However, he had just one flaw in his game. This flaw
goes by the name of Bullet Bob. Bullet Bob wasn’t
having a shabby day either. Bullet Bob hit 3 inside the
park homeruns, accounting for every hit and every run
that the Coyotes, who were really raccoons, had
scored. Hungry Polly saw the damage Bullet Bob had
inflicted on Ruthenstine and decided it was time to
bring in the big closer. Ruthenstine left the field to a
thunderous standing ovation from the sellout crowd of
no one. And as Bullet Bob left the field, the dominating closer for the Raccoons, who were really coyotes,
jogged in from the bullpen: Johnny Gorbachev.
Gorbachev had terrific closer’s stuff. He threw in the
upper 90’s, sometimes cracking triple digits. He also
threw a sinker that just seems to fall off a table and a
wicked slider. His stuff at times can be just about
unhittable. Gorbachev took his warmup pitches and
then delivered to Bullet Bob. Bullet Bob was taking
the first pitch all the way. If Gorbachev had a flaw, it
was his control. If Gorbachev had two flaws, it was
his control and his inability to keep runners from
stealing a base. The first pitch was a fastball just a tad
high. Hungry Polly was upset. Where was that high
strike he’d been hearing so much about? The next
pitch was another fastball right down Broadway, and
Bullet Bob just swung over the top of it. The 1-1
offering was a sinker that just dipped out of the zone
before it reached the plate. Bullet Bob showed great
patience and layed off of it. 2-1 was the count. The
next pitch was a slider that broke just outside away
from the right-handed hitting Bullet Bob. Gorbachev
was in serious serious danger of walking the potential
tying run. The 3-1 pitch was a beautiful slider that
Bullet Bob was seriously out in front of. He swung so
hard and akwardly that he actually fell over. This led
to a full count. The sellout crowd was on their feet.
The 3-2 pitch was a fastball that Bullet Bob absolutely crushed back up the middle. Gorbachev tried to put
his glove up to protect his head, but his efforts were
in vain. The ball caromed off the big red spot in his
head and flew straight up in the air. Gorbachev was
knocked unconscious. He lay on the ground like he
was making a snow angel, with all of his extremities
extended to all corners. Miraculously, after soaring up
seven stories high in the air, the ball landed directly in
Gorbechev’s glove. Although Bullet Bob had rounded
the bases already (twice in fact), he was out, and the
game was over. The Raccoons, who were really coyotes, won 4-3. Bullet Bob was so infuriated that he
went insane and before he hurt anyone he had to be
shot and killed. As the teams went to go see how
Gorbechev was doing, they noticed that the line drive
had actually knocked the red spot right off his head! It
was lying on the ground next to his face. Now his
forehead looked normal. But, he was still unconscious. This is where Satan came in. To help
Gorbechev, Satan...
turned himself into a bear and sat on Johnny
Gorbechev. Everyone knows that if you are unconscious and a bear sits on you, you automatically wake
up. As we said earlier, Satan was unfortunately getting
dumber and slower with age, so as expected, he had
forgotten how to turn himself back into Satan, the
dark winged evil looking creature that he is. So, he
was a bear. Satan announced to everyone that he only
knew one person who might be able to help him out.
Everyone thought that the “one person” was God, but
they were wrong. You see, Satan and God are enemies, especially after all that Super Bowl stuff. No,
the only person close to God in this world was, of
course, Wang Wang. So, Herbert, Ben, the raccoons,
and the coyotes all hopped on Satan, and they flew to
Mitchell, South Dakota. As soon as they got to
Mitchell, they saw Wang Wang and company sewing
a big blanket. It was a blanket to commemorate the
memory of Chief Buffalo Sunday, the holiest of all
Indian Gods. Basically, the blanket was a compilation
of scraps that the group had collected off of the dirty
streets of Mitchell the last few weeks. They had been
really bored. Suddenly, Shoeless Joe Jackson picked
up an envelope and said, “Hey Wang Wang! This letter is addressed to you!” Wang Wang walked over and
thanked Shoeless Joe for picking up the random
anonymous letter that happened to just be sitting on
the street and just happened to be addressed to Wang
Wang himself. Wang Wang unsealed the envelope and
began reading the letter to himself. “Dear Wang
Wang: this is God. I really admire the work you have
been doing for the last decade or so. You’ve made it a
lot easier on me, because I haven’t had to bail out
Earth from the coyotes and, well, just a lot of other
stuff. To reward you for your grand deeds, I want to
give you a special power for today. However, this special power will take an honest mind. An honest mind.
Not a turtle or a dove, but an honest mind. Now, if
you look up, you will see that your long lost pal Satan
is back. He is back with some guys named Herbert
and Ben and he is also with all of those raccoons and
coyotes. Now, if you think about all your adventures
the last few years, what has happened to those characters in your life that have just been around too long or
seem too unimportant? Remember, be honest, and
your acquired divine power will help you. Hugs and
kisses, God.” Wang Wang closed his eyes and began
to reflect on the last few years. It seemed to him that
everytime someone was a nuisance in his life or they
had just been around too long or they were just rather
unimportant— well, they had just kind of disappeared. Take for example, Junnany Inklebopper. The
man had instantly melted into a banana tree. Wang
Wang came to the honest conclusion that those annoying or unimportant people in his life had either disappeared or died. Suddenly, Wang Wang looked up and
sure enough, all of the coyotes and raccoons disappeared. God had rewarded Wang Wang due to his
honest mind! However, the honesty somewhat backfired, too. You see, there were other people in Wang
Wang’s life who had also “just been around too long
or they were just rather unimportant.” So, unfortunately, the lesbian lovers Mary Wang Wang and
Bessie disappeared. So did the South Korean roadside
worker, Madeline, Sunshine, Kathy the waitress, and
Shoeless Joe Jackson. Wang Wang wrote a letter to
God expressing his anger, and so did Satan.
Obviously, Wang Wang missed his friends, and Satan
missed his raccoons and coyotes. God politely
responded to Wang Wang punctually, but he never
wrote Satan back. God wrote to Wang Wang: “Dear
Wang Wang, I have considered your request for the
return of your friends. My answer is no. You see,
although I am glad that you have played God for a
long time, you have to be punished in some way. I
can’t have you taking away my image or my reputation. You are not God. I am. So I had to punish you
by stealing some of your friends. But don’t worry,
they are having fun up here! However, I will grant
you one wish. You may select one of your friends that
I made disappear and have them back. Simply yell the
name of your person of choice as soon as you get this
letter. Hugs and kisses, God.” Wang Wang thought for
a moment, and then decided the person he would like
to have back. He yelled to God...
“Madeline!” Wang Wang figured one thing he
would like to have would be a prostitute. So, he had
to decide between Madeline and Sunshine. However,
we know Sunshine is always pissed off; Madeline is
always happy. They were both equally attractive.
Wang Wang always liked being around cheery people,
and that would be the last adjective you’d use to
describe Sunshine. So, Madeline was the obvious
choice. However, as soon as Wang Wang yelled
“Madeline” and Madeline appeared before him, Wang
Wang realized that he had made a grave mistake.
Madeline wasn’t really a prostitute. She was never
even pretending to be a prostitute. That was all Wang
Wang’s creation. Wang Wang sure did blow this one.
At this point Wang Wang looked towards the Heavens
and heard God laughing at his unfotunate blunder.
Wang Wang got pissed off. He decided he needed
revenge on God. Then he thought about it more. God
had a point. Wang Wang had really taken over God’s
role recently. Perhaps Wang Wang got what he
deserved. Has Wang Wang really been himself recently, or has he been someone just trying to imitate God?
Was it time for Wang Wang to hang it up or throw in
the towel, and move on to some more normal life, or
should he continue playing God, or is that even the
right term as perhaps he should go on playing Wang
Wang, but if he were to go on playing Wang Wang
then that really would be his more normal life and it
wouldn’t be time to throw in the towel because in
actuality Wang Wang has no towel to throw in and
then Wang Wang got really confused by all of this,
and the more he thought about it, the more he couldn’t decide if he was just being himself or not, and if
he wasn’t he couldn’t decide if he wanted to be himself and if he did want to be himself, which he wasn’t
sure was the truth then he couldn’t decide what his
real self even was, although perhaps that’s not the best
way to put it because when you have a real self you
can’t really decide what that real self is because the
real self will just happen because a real self can’t be
decided upon because it just simply is what it is. So,
Wang Wang sat and thought, and sat and thought, and
sat and thought. Then Satan approached him. Satan
was pissed off, because he no longer had his children
(which, ironically enough were currently in Heaven).
Satan asked Wang Wang if he wanted revenge. Then
Wang Wang sat and thought, and sat and thought, and
sat and thought again. He eventually voted against
that, because God really didn’t have an evil heart, and
he couldn’t bear to do that. Wang Wang also eventually decided that he would continue to act the way he
has been acting, for the time being anyway.
Interestingly, as soon as he came to that conclusion,
Lou approached him. There was a problem. Lou started barking, until he realized he wasn’t Lassie. Then,
Lou said “Wang Wang! There’s a problem! It’s over
by the ol’ wheat mill! Someone’s in trouble...
there’s a disgruntled lumberjack threatening to
kill Sloppy Pete!” Wang Wang hurried over and
everyone followed. He stepped into the wheat mill,
and then he saw the giant man. Wang Wang thought
to himself, “My god, that guy could kill any man with
his bare hands.” The disgruntled lumberjack turned
around and told Wang Wang to get out. Wang Wang
turned around to exit, but a big blue ox was blocking
his path. There was nothing Wang Wang could do.
Suddenly, the disgruntled lumberjack began stomping
towards Wang Wang as Sloppy Pete shuddered in the
corner. The door to the wheat mill was closed, and
Wang Wang was cornered. His mind was blank and
his body went cold. His face turned sheet white. A
chill ran down his spine. The disgruntled lumberjack
showed Wang Wang his hands and he gradually
brought those enormous, hairy, warty hands towards
Wang Wang’s neck. The blue ox snorted and growled
behind our hero. Wang Wang closed his eyes and prepared for the worst. Then, the disgruntled lumberjack
let out an enormous laugh, fell over, and begain
rolling in the wheat. Sloppy Pete laughed uncontrollably as well. Then Wang Wang turned around in disbelief. He then realized that the blue ox was only
Petie. Petie had blushed really hard to make him be
blue all over. Then the disgruntled lumberjack turned
himself back into his original form of Satan. Wang
Wang was confused, but everyone calmed him down.
Satan explained that God had asked everyone in the
group to perform a trick that would make Wang Wang
feel helpless. Then, Wang Wang would no longer feel
like God, since he felt that he did not have absolute
control over every situation. The trick had worked and
it brought Wang Wang back to normalcy. Now that
everyone was on good terms again, Satan felt it necessary to tell Wang Wang about his plans to sell the
Orangutan Express. He advised Wang Wang to do the
same with Broken Wings. In fact, the Blue and Red
Gods were prepared to purchase the airlines. But
when the four businessmen sat down to discuss these
propositions...
Wang Wang realized he had no idea why he
would want to sell. He thought if Satan were to sell
the Orangutan Express to the Blue and Red Gods,
Wang Wang could basically get a monopoly on the
airline business. The Blue and Red Gods would be
awful business partners. One would constantly be
lying and the other would be telling the truth. This is
no way to run a business. The company would be
screwed. Wang Wang on the other hand knew a thing
or two about the corporate world. He knew how to
keep his business successful. So, when the four businessmen sat down to discuss the terms of the sale,
Wang Wang politely declined. He was too money
hungry. Then Satan made a good point that got Wang
Wang to reconsider. He turned to Wang Wang and
said, “Gee Wang Wang. I sure wish you would reconsider on this one.” Wang Wang couldn’t get those
words out of his mind. Perhaps he would be getting
over his head on this one. Satan was right. Wang
Wang would be best off selling Broken Wings to the
Blue and Red Gods. However, the talks didn’t go over
too well. The Blue and Red Gods continually confused everyone. The Blue God would say a deal was
acceptable, and then the Red God would say the same
thing. At this point Wang Wang or Satan would get
happy that the negotiations were over, but the Gods
would know that they actually weren’t over, because
if the Red God said the deal was acceptable, in actuality, it meant that the deal was not acceptable. Because
the deal was not acceptable, they would have to discuss it more. Eventually, the deal was passed. Satan
and Wang Wang were no longer business adversaries.
Once again, they could walk off into the sunset as
friends. But the question now is what would happen
with the Blue and Red Gods? Could they ever run a
successful business if no one knows what the hell
they’re talking about? Satan and Wang Wang were
banking on the fact that the answer to that would be a
big fat no. Plus, they had no planes because the
Satanic raccoons they were all in heaven. But the
Gods had something else up their sleeves. The plan of
the Gods was to...
split up the two airlines. The Blue God would
take over Broken Wings and the Red God would take
over The Orangutan Express. Immediately, the Blue
God saw some great increases in the value of his airline’s stock. Since Broken Wings had kind of been on
hiatus for a while, your average typical normal airline
flyer was eager to have such a great airline back. On
the other hand, the Red God struggled in the beginning. He asked his old pal the Blue God not to give
him any business tips (which meant he wanted some
business tips) and he also asked what in the world he
was doing right (which really meant “What in the
world am I doing wrong?”), but the Blue God would
offer no advice. The Red God decided that if he were
to get back in the ball game and compete with Broken
Wings, he would need some employees. So he went to
the streets of Mitchell and started talking to everyone
who came by. First, he talked to a young boy who
was skipping by while tossing a baseball up and
down. The Red God knew that this young boy would
be a fabulous asset to The Orangutan Express. He
stopped the boy and said, “Hi! I am a magnifying
glass and I run my own company that is not called
The Orangutan Express. We do not fly airplanes.
Anyway, I was thinking that you suck and that I don’t
want you to come in for an interview. In fact, you are
the worst potential employee I have ever seen.”
Unfortunately, the boy cried and ran away. The Red
God was confused. He had just give that kid some big
compliments. Needless to say, the rest of the day was
rather unsuccessful for the Red God. No one would
come and work for him. Before he knew it, the
Bakruptcy Office of Mitchell, South Dakota
approached him and told him that The Orangutan
Express was no longer in business. The Red God was
extremely sad, and he walked for the next five days to
Des Moines, Iowa. He finally arrived at the Broken
Wings Headquarters and went up to visit the Blue
God, his only friend in the world. The Blue God
opened up and told the Red God that he was tired of
telling the truth to everyone. “I had this great secretary who was the most dedicated worker I’ve ever
worked with. But yesterday she asked me how she
looked. She wanted to look good for her husband
because it was their four-year anniversary that night. I
told her she looked like a two-dollar, old wrinkly
hooker with bad hair and terrible teeth. I had no
choice, I had to tell her the truth.” The Red God
shared his stories of despair as well, and the two
decided that it was finally time to become one. Much
as Zeus had done, they decided to give up their supernatural powers. That day, the Blue and Red Gods
became one being— a normal human being who both
lied and told the truth. He was called “Rue.” Rue
summoned his hard-working secretary that day and
even gave her the reigns of the entire business. Rue
then elected to go back to Mitchell and catch up with
Wang Wang, Lou, Mathilde, Johnno, Petie, Uncle
Copernicus Clownpenis, the two restaurant owners
Cannibal Jorge and Sloppy Pete, Madeline, Satan,
Herbert, and Ben. Rue then told everyone his amazing
story, and everyone was very happy for him. Rue also
told everyone that even though he had sold Broken
Wings for good, he had a lifetime pass of free trips on
the airline. He suggested that they all take a vacation.
Everyone agreed. The next day, the group departed
for...
Chapter 14
Fantasy Island
Greenland. Little did the gang know that
Greenland is not. So, once that plan completely
flopped, they decided to change their minds and go to
Tahiti. Everyone hopped on the next plane out of
Greenland and headed south towards Tahiti.
Unfortunately, the plane had a heart attack and
crashed in some mysterious hidden tropical fantasy
island in the north Atlantic. Everyone was all right,
except for Rue. Rue got a little bump on the noggin.
Rue said he was all right, but no one was quite sure
what to think of anything Rue said because of that
whole thing about becoming one person and now
being able to lie or tell the truth made it a lot harder
to tell if he was lying or telling the truth. But, everyone assumed Rue was okay. It turns out this was a bad
assumption and Rue actually had a pretty serious concussion. Oh well. He’ll be all right. Next, the gang
had to figure out what to do. They were on this mysterious, apparently uninhabited island. They would
have to go “Lord of the Flies” up in here. Luckily,
they had brought adequate camping supplies, and they
were able to put up a tent and make a fire and cook
some smores. So, there they were sitting around the
camp fire late at night telling ghost stories and eating
smores. Everyone had been telling some pretty weak
ghost stories until it was Lou’s turn. Lou then pulled
out this story about a three headed cyclops with
extreme rage and revenge on the mind after a kangaroo had eaten his favorite color of gummy bears— the
green ones. Just as Lou was about to explain how the
three headed cyclops brutally killed the kangaroo,
Johnno saw that over Lou’s left shoulder, in the bushes, there was a silouette of three heads. Johnno immediately screamed like a little girl. It looked exactly
like the three headed cyclops that Lou had described.
They all turned to look at the cyclops, however, they
were all relieved to see that it wasn’t actually just a
three headed cyclops. The group all sighed. It wasn’t
actually just one being with three heads; it was actually three separate entities. Everyone was very relieved,
yet they failed to consider what the three people actually were. They didn’t actually know these people.
These were the natives. They didn’t speak English.
They didn’t smell good. They didn’t have two arms.
Well, actually they did have two arms, but they were
pretty short. They didn’t eat plants. They just ate
human flesh. Yes, these were your typical fantasy
island cannibals. Luckily for the group, they weren’t
hungry. They just stopped by to give them all a house
warming gift. It was a big plate of delicious chocolate
brownies. They were delicious. Unfortunately, they
were laced with extra fat to get them all extra fat so
eventually they could be eaten, but they didn’t know
that. They just thought the cannibals were being nice.
The cannibals left at that point went to go sleep in
their own beds for the night, but in the morning...
they came back. Only this time there were
more of them—in fact, there were six altogether. And
oh yeah, they weren’t cannibals anymore. They were
fax machines— fax machines manifesting on the idea
of devouring human flesh. Now, Wang Wang knew
that while your typical man-eating fax machine really
likes to nibble on human flesh, it simply cannot resist
paper. Paper is a hungry fax machine’s source of life,
and human flesh is only like a dessert. So, Wang
Wang and company went over to the batch of paper
trees on the island and pulled off a healthy amount of
paper to feed the fax machines. It worked. Now,
before the fax machines returned again, Wang Wang
and the gang needed a more adequate shelter. Their
camping tents were soaked thanks to the big waves
from the previous night. Also, staying near the shore
wasn’t safe because everyone knew that the fax
machines would be back. So the gang started searching all over the island for some new, safe shelter. The
group split up into three smaller groups: Team Omega
with Wang Wang, Lou, Mathilde, Johnno, Petie; Team
Alpha with Rue, Cannibal Jorge, Sloppy Pete, and
Madeline; and Team Satan with Satan, Uncle
Copernicus Clownpenis, Herbert, and Ben. Team
Omega failed miserably and so did Team Satan. But
Team Alpha stumbled upon something interesting. In
fact, Cannibal Jorge had moved a a big rock, and
under it were twelve entrances to tunnels. One said
“This way back to civilization and safety” and the
other tunnel was marked by a sign that read, “Get
your clan to crawl through here to find some good
shelter.” The other ten tunnels were blocked off by
contrsuction signs and could not be entered. Cannibal
Jorge and Team Alpha called the other two teams over
and everyone mulled over their tough decision. In the
end...
they decided to try to get into all of the tunnels
that were supposedly “under construction.” If
Cannibal Jorge knew anything about construction
workers, he knew about their propensity for lying.
The first five “under construction” tunnels led to
nothing. The construction workers were truthful in
these cases. However, the sixth tunnel led to a different beautiful fantasy world with breathtaking naked
women willing to do all to please anyone. Naturally,
they didn’t want this, so they went to the seventh tunnel. The seventh, eighth, and ninth tunnels also contained nothing. The tenth and final tunnel supposedly
under construction led to what appeared to be every
member of the group’s most intimate fantasy. If they
entered this tunnel, everyone would have eternal bliss.
Well, actually not eternal bliss, because they’d die
eventually, but they’d be happy for a really long time.
Sloppy Pete ran in towards his fantasy of an unlimited
amount of the weirdest food anyone has ever heard of.
As he was running, he appeared to hit a brick wall,
and he fell to the floor unconscious. It ended up that
there was actually a wall there. It just happened to be
invisible. They worked together to carry Sloppy Pete
out of the tunnel, and then they discussed what they
should do next. Eventually, they came to the conclusion that they should go to the shelter. They all could
use that vacation that they had discussed earlier, and
this seemed to be the perfect place. They just needed
some shelter. Luckily, this shelter even had an alarm
system to protect themselves from the cannibals. So
later that night, they were all sleeping in comfortable
beds in their secure new vacation home. In the middle
of the night, as they were sleeping, the cannibals
returned, and uh oh... they were hungry. As soon as
they opened the door, the alarm went off. Everyone
woke up, and within minutes, the island police were
there. Wang Wang was confident that they were all
then saved. Little did he know, or the rest of the group
for that matter, that all the inhabitants of the island
were cannibals, including the police. Simply put, it
seemed as though Wang Wang and his crew were
completely screwed. But, Wang Wang has been in a
similar situation before. Well, not with the cannibals
so much, but in a situation where he appeared to be
screwed. He came up with a plan, and in this plan...
the group would pretend to sacrifice one of its
members for the cannibals to eat. After many minutes
of pleading, Wang Wang convinced the cannibals to
let his gang have some alone time in their shelter.
Wang Wang said that once the whole gang had played
its favorite game, Balderdash, he would send out the
sacrificial victim. The polite cannibals granted Wang
Wang’s wish, and they started a fire, preparing for the
feast. Luckily, Wang Wang was up to something much
more tricky than the cannibals could have anticipated.
Once inside the tent, he told the whole gang about
their predicament. Quickly, Wang Wang got out their
pre-recorded CD version of the whole gang “playing”
a game of Balderdash. The CD was even 45 minutes
in length, so it would really sound like they were
playing the game. Then, Wang Wang pulled out his
handy “Fake Shadow Sheets” that moved randomly,
giving the impression that people were moving inside
the tent. The cannibals would be totally fooled. Then,
Wang Wang pulled out his trusty shovel, and they all
began digging to the twelve tunnels on the other side
of the island. Meanwhile, the cannibals sat back and
listened to the “game” that the gang was playing
inside the tent. However, one of the cannibals quickly
realized that they were being had! You see, the tape
recording was going: “Hey Herbert! It’s your turn!
Roll the dice!” But the shadows simply weren’t corresponding with the voices. You see, even though it was
Herbert’s turn to roll, Rue’s shadow was rolling the
dice! Quickly, the cannibals went into the shelter to
see what was the matter. Of course, no one was there,
except for the CD player and the black shadow sheets
that were still moving randomly. The cannibals then
saw the big tunnel and went inside to catch up with
Wang Wang and the gang. Meanwhile, the good guys
were in the midst of all those darned construction tunnels. In the end, they were just a twisted web of interconnected tunnels that led to nowhere. Even in the
cases where they thought they could find “eternal
bliss,” there were just invisible brick walls like the
one that Sloppy Pete had run into. Now, at about this
time, Wang Wang and company were about to
encounter a shocking turn of events. But smart old
Wang Wang knew what was coming. You see, one of
Wang Wang’s traveling companions was Cannibal
Jorge. Was it a coincidence that Cannibal Jorge was
trying to lead everyone around these meandering,
pointless tunnels, saying “Follow me! I know where
to go!” And was it a coincidence that Cannibal Jorge
was indeed a cannibal, and that the gang was on an
island of cannibals? “YOU’RE ONE OF THEM!”
Wang Wang shouted. “Cannibal Jorge, you’ve been
leading us aimlessly around these tunnels for 30 minutes. You’re just trying to get us tired so that you and
all your cannibal buddies can eat us!” Wang Wang
had ratted out the rat in the gang. Cannibal Jorge surrendered immediately, admitting that he was indeed
involved with all of the other cannibals on the island.
This had been Cannibal Jorge’s plan for years— to
stick with the group, eventually lead them to this cannibal island, and then eat Wang Wang and the gang
with his buddies. Wang Wang would not tolerate this,
and he gave Petie the green light to go give Cannibal
Jorge a taste of his own medicine. So, Petie devoured
the traitor. Just then, the other cannibals caught up
with Wang Wang and the gang. Everyone was in a big
underground room with tunnels leading every which
way. However, Wang Wang knew that there was no
way out— only a brick wall in every tunnel. Wang
Wang and the gang were cornered, and even worse,
the cannibals were pissed because their longtime
friend Cannibal Jorge was dead. Clearly, this was the
end for Wang Wang, Lou, Mathilde, Johnno, Petie,
Rue, Sloppy Pete, Madeline, Satan, Uncle Copernicus
Clownpenis, Herbert, and Ben. But wait! Suddenly,
Wang Wang had a vision. Wasn’t this eerily similar to
that big place they had been in previously— the
Magic Room of Doors! Somehow, that place and this
big underground room had a lot in common, and
Wang Wang had faith that Rue (the old Blue and Red
God who knew all the secrets of the Magic Room of
Doors) might have an answer. Of course, Rue stepped
up to the occasion...
Chapter 15
Secret Pirate Treasure Cave
Waterfall Darkness
although, interestingly, their solution had nothing to do with the previous Magic Room of Doors situation they had been in. Rue instead thought back to
his history classes back when he was in school. One
thing he was never able to forget was how Paul
Bunyan killed off the dinosaurs by deep frying them
all and then eating them. Thankfully, as always,
Sloppy Pete had brought along his giant deep fryer.
They also had a big fake fat guy. He was like a regular man, only not really alive. He was made out of the
previously mentioned tofu human mix. When you’re
really hungry, you can’t even tell the difference
between tofu human mix and real humans. So, the
gang placed the tofu human mix fake human right in
front of the giant deep fryer and then just as the cannibals were at the tofu human mix, they would hit it
and fall into the deep fryer and die. Then the gang
would eat the cannibals! It worked to perfection. And
what the hell’s up with that? A plan that succeeds that
wasn’t thought of by Wang Wang? All the cannibals
were now dead and the gang had a good meal. They
had had just about enough though. Their tropical paradise vacation had turned out to be anything but. Well,
that’s not entirely true. This was a vacation. It was a
tropical paradise. It just happened to be an awful tropical paradise vacation. They kept getting nearly killed.
It was time to move on for a different vacation. What
better place to vacation than Disneyland? So, the gang
got out of the tunnel, jumped on Petie and headed
over to Disneyland. As soon as they arrived in
Anaheim they decided to hit up an Angels game. The
Angels were playing the Yankees. It got to the 9th
inning and the score was 6-3 with the Angels coming
to bat. Obviously, this meant two things. First of all,
Mariano Rivera was now coming in for the save.
Second of all, the ever famous rally monkey would be
out in full force. Of course, this is the monkey dressed
in the Angels jersey jumping up and down in a cage
on the jumbotron while the words “rally monkey”
flash on the bottom. Sure enough, behind the heroics
of the rally monkey, the Angles came back to win 7-6.
Now it was time to celebrate at good ol’ Disneyland.
When they got to Disneyland, they all hopped on one
ride, and that was...
“Secret Pirate Treasure Cave Waterfall
Darkness.” It was the one ride that Uncle Copernicus
Clownpenis had wanted to ride all of his life. The
problem was that after the roller coaster stormed into
the cave with all the fake pirate and treasure stuff, the
magic of Disneyland turned real! Suddenly, the roller
coaster toppled over and spun out of control, and
everyone was wet. The roller coaster track and the
carts disappeared. Everyone in the group was in a
small pond inside a real, dark cave. Set upon the
rocks near the pond was an old, gigantic pirate ship. A
parrot flew down and announced to the group:
“Congratulations! You have been transported through
space to solve the mystery of Captain Arliss from
1692. Captain Arliss and his crew were in search of
the world’s greatest treasure of jewels just off the
coast of Alaska when his ship crashed into this very
tunnel right over there. However, fear not. Go on
board and you will find the treasure map, and you will
also find that the ship still works. Good luck,” he said,
and then the parrot disappeared. Everyone paused in
disbelief. “We’re gonna find some gold!!!” Herbert
yelled spontaneously. Then he turned to his buddy
Ben and drowned him. “What the hell was that for?”
asked Wang Wang. Herbert replied, “Well, with Ben...
after we all would split up the treasure, each of us
would only get 8.3 percent. Now, we get 9.1 percent
each.” Wang Wang turned to Petie, and said, “Better
make that 10 percent each. Petie, go eat that murderer
Herbert.” Petie gladly did so. Then, Wang Wang, Lou,
Mathilde, Johnno, Petie, Rue, Sloppy Pete, Madeline,
Satan, and Uncle Copernicus Clownpenis all went on
board to search for the treasure map...
Their first curiosity was in relation to the fact
that although Captain Arliss’s ship crashed it was still
fully functional. In fact, although the parrot did concede that the ship still worked, he also said that it had
crashed into “this tunnel.” The next curious thing
about the situation was that although they weren’t on
the ride anymore, there were still tunnels. It would
make sense if it was a cave, but it didn’t seem like a
typical cave. They, as was earlier mentioned, were in
a real cave; however, the ship was in the tunnel adjacent to the cave. There was still another curious point
about this adventure in that the parrot said that they
were looking around Alaska so one would assume the
water would be cold. Not so fast, my friend. The temperature of the water was terrific. It was like they
were taking a warm bath. It was beautiful. The final
thing that surprised Wang Wang and his entire gang
was the fact that it seemed as though Captain Arliss’s
ship never crashed at all. In fact, Captain Arliss and
his crew were all still on the ship actively looking for
the treasure. Once the group got on board and ran into
Captain Arliss, they truly did find the map quite easily
as the parrot had foreshadowed. It was easy to find
because Captain Arliss was holding it, cursing at it in
some foreign tongue. Wang Wang swallowed, took a
deep breath and mouthed out the words “Hello.
Captain Arliss, I presume?” Captain Arliss turned to
look at Wang Wang. Captain Arliss was your typical
pirate. He had an eye-patch over his right eye, dirty
graying hair covered with a pirate hat with a skull on
it that you can find at any store that sells Halloween
costumes, a ridiculous white, puffy pirate shirt, black
pants on one leg and a peg leg for the other, shiny
black shoes and a parrot on his right shoulder. Captain
Arliss snarled at Wang Wang and replied, “Arrrrgh,
matey. I see you speak English. Arrrrgh. That I don’t
like. Arrrrgh. What do you want, you flithy jackass?
Arrrrgh.” Wang Wang responded, “Well, sir, we were
on a ride at Disneyland and then it disappeared and
we appeared in this cave over there and a parrot came
to talk to us and he told us that you guys crashed and
we could find that map your holding and find some
treasure. And why, if I may ask, don’t you like it that
I speak English? I see you speak English too.”
Captain Arliss pulled his giant sword out of its sheath
and put it up to Wang Wang’s neck. “Arrrrgh. Fuck
that ride and fuck that parrot. Arrrrgh. Not again.
Arrrrgh. Crap. Arrrrgh. This happens far too often.
Arrrrgh. And what makes you think you’re going to
get this map from me? I want to get my own fucking
treasure. Arrrrgh. As far as I’m concerned, you all can
eat shit. Arrrrgh.” Wang Wang took a step back to get
away from the gigantic sword, collected his thoughts,
and responded. “Okay. Fair enough. We can find that
treasure without your map. But, you never answered
my question about the English language.” Wang Wang
was about to hear a long admonishment of the language he knows and loves. “Arrrrgh. Well, first of all
Wang Wang, you were born in North Korea and lived
there for a while. Arrrrgh. Why the fuck you speak
English in and of itself makes no sense. Arrrrgh.”
Captain Arliss had a point there, and he went on.
“Also, arrrrgh, there are some aspects of the language
I just don’t like. Arrrrgh. For example, I understand
why, in the written word the word ‘I’ is capitalized.
Arrrrgh. But, if that’s capitalized why isn’t a word
such as ‘you’ capitalized? Arrrrgh. Frankly, that seems
really egocentric for the entire language. Arrrrgh. It
fucking pisses me off. Arrrrgh. Now, I know you’re
thinking most languages do this. Arrrrgh. Yes, that’s
true. Arrrrgh. But not my crew’s native language
‘Etarip.’ Arrrrgh. That shit’s a language of respect.
Arrrrgh. We respect people. Arrrrgh. If you don’t like
that, you and the rest of you can just fuck off.
Arrrrgh.” Captain Arliss made some good points,
although it was questionable if Captain Arliss was as
respectful as his language. As Wang Wang contemplated what Captain Arliss had just said, he heard a
huge splash from the side of the boat and someone
scream in agony. Wang Wang looked off the side and
saw his brother Lou in the water. “Lou! Brother! Are
you okay?!? Wang Wang screamed. “Lou! Rapahit!
Se fac lasiloo?!” Captain Arliss screamed in Etarip.
Lou replied “Yes Wang Wang, I’m okay, but I think I
broke my leg on this big ass treasure chest in the
water. What is this damn thing doing here?” Ah ha!
What fate! Lou had slipped off the ship and fell into
the water, right into the treasure chest that Captain
Arliss had been looking for! “Lou! You did it! We’re
rich!” Wang Wang exclaimed. “Arrrrgh. No, don’t you
mean I am rich?” Captain Arliss retorted. Wang Wang
looked confused for a moment and responded, “No,
Lou found the treasure chest. You’re not rich. We’re
rich.” Captain Arliss smiled and said, “Arrrrgh.
Whoops! Arrrrgh. My mistake. Arrrrgh. You are most
certainly correct. Arrrrgh. I’m terribly sorry. Enjoy the
treasure.” Captain Arliss then turned to his crew and
solemnly said, “Arrrrgh. That’s it boys. Arrrrgh. Time
to return home. Arrrrgh. We’ve failed in our journeys.
Arrrrgh. Looks like we’re still living in the streets and
eating rats. Arrrrgh.” At this point all the pirates
turned their heads towards the ground and began
preparing to return home as some developed a few
tears in their eyes. Wang Wang looked on and couldn’t help but do something that would hope to remedy
the situation. “Fellas, I can’t stand to see you guys
like this. I have an idea that will please us all...
Actually, before I get to my idea,” said Wang
Wang, “how in the hell have you guys been living
since 1692? All of you are over 300 years old!”
Captain Arliss stepped up and realized that the balance of the universe hung in this very moment.
“Arrrrgh. Morta rajeero elpan wabby tem trougaliss
jinko!” yelled Captain Arliss triumphantly. “Wait, I
don’t understand Etarip, Captain Arliss. Tell us your
secret of youth in English!” Wang Wang requested,
looking at his gang for help. They all shouted “Yeah!”
in unison in a Sesame Street-like moment. Captain
Arliss saw he really had Wang Wang and the gang in
a bind. “Arrrrgh. That’s too bad that you don’t know
Etarip. Arrrrgh. Now tell me, why should I reveal to
you my aging secret in English? Arrrrgh. What are
you going to do for me, Wang Wang?” Wang Wang
thought and thought. He knew he could use the treasure as bait, but was he willing to give up endless riches for everlasting life? He figured he could bargain
with Captain Arliss and see if he could get his hands
on both the money and everlasting life. “My flying
raccoon here, Petie, will give you guys a ride back
home, wherever that is.” But then Petie spoke up.
“Actually boss, my doctor told me I should take a
year off with the whole flying thing. He says that I’ve
really overworked my wings.” Captain Arliss was
really kicking Wang Wang in the ass now. “Arrrrgh. It
appears as if you are the ones who need a ride home.
Arrrrgh. We can give you a ride home in our trusty
ship. Arrrrgh. Now, Wang Wang, didn’t you say you
had some magic solution that will please all of us?”
Wang Wang was flustered and said that he had forgotten his idea. But things continued to turn for the
worse. Uncle Copernicus Clownpenis then keeled
over and died from starvation. “Must... have... food...”
were his last words. Wang Wang suddenly realized
that none of the gang had eaten in days. “Arrrrgh.
Your crew looks might hungry. We have some food
aboard this here ship, but it ain’t free. Arrrrgh.” Wang
Wang, sweating profusely, realized that he needed
Captain Arliss for food, a ride home, and if possible,
the secret to everlasting life. But Wang Wang still
wanted to keep that treasure, even though he knew
that that was exactly what Captain Arliss wanted.
Wang Wang got to thinking. Captain Arliss and his
men were obviously over three centuries old. Why in
the hell had they just stayed in this cave looking at a
trasure map for 300 years? Wang Wang was puzzled.
But he was also hungry. And he was also...
prepared with a plan, as always. First of all, he
turned to his right and saw a big gun. He used this big
gun to shoot the parrot on Captain Arliss’s shoulder.
“Arrrgh!” Captain Arliss shouted. “You just killed my
parrot, you bastard! Arrrgh!?” Wang Wang indeed did.
That parrot would provide him with adequate sustenance until he came up with another plan. This happened rapidly after he ate the parrot. However, as
soon as he finished the parrot, he found himself lying
on the deck of the boat with an oar jammed halfway
up his ass. Captain Arliss then spoke. “Arrrgh. Wang
Wang, as you can see, or probably feel better than you
can see, you have an oar halfway up your ass. Arrrgh.
This is because you just ate my friend. Arrrgh. If you
don’t give me that treasure chest now, I will continue
to jam this oar completely up your ass. Arrrgh. What
do you say Wang Wang, arrrgh?” Wang Wang laid
there and thought for a while. What a dilemma. He
couldn’t really think of much to do. Having an oar
jammed up your ass kind of hampers your thinking.
As he sat there and thought, Sloppy Pete, who had
earlier helped him cook the parrot, took an anchor and
whacked Captain Arliss across the head with it.
Captain Arliss screamed “ARRRGH!” and he died.
Sloppy Pete then gently pulled the oar out of Wang
Wang’s ass and Wang Wang heaved a huge sigh of
relief. Now, after killing the captain of the ship, Wang
Wang was in charge. He could order the rest of the
crew to tell him the secret of their youth. Wang Wang
was awfully surprised, however, when the crew of
Captain Arliss said no. The leader of the soon to be
ship mutiny was Marcellus Arliss, Captain Arliss’s
grandfather. Marcellus Arliss was quick do defend his
grandson. “Wang Wang, you killed my grandson. This
is not the kind of thing I take lightly. That’s the twenty fourth time this has happened. I refuse to tell you
the secret of our youth. That’s the way Captain grandson would have wanted it.” Wang Wang was in shock!
Someone had failed to respect his authority.
Inconceivable! A situation such as this could have
only one logical conclusion. Wang Wang and
Marcellus Arliss would have a tennis match to determine whether Marcellus Arliss would have to convey
the mystery of the youth to Wang Wang or if Wang
Wang would have to give Marcellus Arliss the treas-
ure. Marcellus natrually accepted this challenge,
because a tennis match is the only natural way to
solve such an argument. Unfortunately, Marcellus
Arliss had both of his arms eaten by alligators and
had no arms. Therefore he couldn’t hold a racquet and
was forced to forfeit. Now it was time for Marcellus
Arliss to reveal the truth behind their youth. “Wang
Wang, you are certainly a worthy opponent. You have
earned the right to know our secret. Our secret is...
this very room. When we all crashed into this
abyss in 1692, we were looking for the Great Alaskan
Jewel Treasue. We had been sent by King Henry VIII
himself. But when we got to this cave, as you can see,
the rocks crumbled behind us, forming a wall, and we
were stuck. We knew we would never see civilization
again. But fortunately, we found this jewel,”
Marcellus Arliss said as he reached into his shirt and
pulled it out. “I have kept it by my side for over 300
years. As long as my crew stays within one mile of
me, they won’t age a day. This jewel is our secret.”
Wang Wang was astonished. The jewel had an aura
about it— a glow unlike he had ever seen before.
Marcellus Arliss continued. “However, the 300 year
curse ended today when you guys arrived. You see,
the prophesy states that after 300 years, the first person who goes to a magical theme park— this of
course means Disneyland and only Disneyland— and
yells ‘Holy shit!’ three times while on a pirate-related
roller coaster will then be automatically sent here. So
the curse has been lifted. We thank you all. But I am
mad at you for killing Captain Arliss. No need to
worry though, my magic jewel will cure him.
Marcellus waved the blue jewel in front of Captain
Arliss’ face, and the captain immediately woke up.
“Arrrgh. Thanks Grandpa. Now where were we?”
While Captain Arliss was ready to fight, Marcellus
Arliss was a little more wise. “Grandson, we are in
debt to these people. They have lifted our curse and
we can now get out of this room.” Captain Arliss
agreed, but he demanded that a large trade be made.
Captain Arliss’ chief agent called a meeting with
Wang Wang to discuss terms of the deal. The two
went down to the trade chambers in the ship. Agent
Jargon said “We will give you the jewel to everlasting
life, food for three weeks, and a ride home in
exchange for the treasure, directions to England, one
of your men, and a second round draft choice in
2005.” Wang Wang wanted to barter. “How about you
keep the everlasting jewel thing and I keep all of my
men.” Agent Jargon bargained again and got Wang
Wang to throw in another draft pick. So, as the prophesy stated on the treasure map, the group had come,
and now the rocks came tumbling down. The two
groups were ready to set sail, but to where?
Eventually Arliss’ crew would sail to England and
report to the king, but Wang Wang and the gang had
to be dropped off first. Wang Wang and the gang
asked Captain Arliss to sail to...
England also. Wang Wang and the gang decided they’ve gotten bored with each other. They haven’t
really had any good adventures in a while, and,
frankly, they liked these new pirates. They were fun
people. Plus, later on down the road Wang Wang and
his gang could just kill the pirates off and take their
treasure, jewels, ship, and draft picks. Wang Wang
announced his intentions of accompanying the pirates
back to England and Captain Arliss was relieved.
“Arrrgh. Wang Wang, I am quite happy with your
decision. Arrrgh. Although you did attempt to kill me,
and I did not appreciate that, I like you. Arrrgh.
You’re a swell guy. Arrrgh. If I were a gay man, I
think...” Captain Arliss suddenly spoke speaking,
looked at the ground, and looked back up at Wang
Wang and simply said, “Arrrgh. Welcome aboard.
Arrrgh.” The two men then embraced and got prepared for their trip to England. Luckily, Rue did have
a map of the world and it had a line already drawn
from the Great Alaskan Jewel Treasure to England.
They decided, based on the map, that the best way to
go would be to go south through the Panama Canal,
then through the Caribbean, through the Atlantic
Ocean, and up to jolly ole England. But, as any pirate
excursion would go, this trip was less than peaceful. It
seemed like there was always something going on on
the big pirate ship. Somewhere off the coast of San
Diego they, were playing badminton and one of
Captain Arliss’s men was hastily chasing the soaring
shuttlecock when he galloped directly over the edge
and into the open jaws of a hungry shark. The shark
ate him. He died. It was pretty vicious. The shark hadn’t eaten in weeks and when he saw men playing badminton, he realized that this was the time to get a
good meal in. This shark, we’ll call him Huey the
Hammershark, followed the ship throughout their trip.
Eventually Huey became a friend to the merry mob of
pirates. Every once in a while, as a silly prank, as one
pirate slept some other pirates would come lop of one
of his limbs to feed Huey the Hammershark. It was all
in good fun. At first, sometimes the now less than
adequately limbed man would be a tad steamed, but
after the rest of the group bought him a couple of
drinks, he saw the humor in it. A catastrophe struck,
however, once the group hit Panama. As they were
commuting through the canal, malaria struck the crew.
None of Wang Wang’s old crew died, but everyone of
the pirates died except for Captain Arliss, Marcellus
Arliss, and Agent Jargon. Oh well, that’s more treasure for everyone else. This was actually a happy
occurrence for Huey the Hammershark because he got
to eat all the dead pirate bodies. Huey was set. It was
like Thanksgiving for Huey the Hammershark. Losing
all the men made it much more difficult for the crew
to get to England because they didn’t have the same
manpower. Eventually though, after much work, they
made it. It certainly wasn’t easy. They did find, however, that King Henry VIII was long dead. The new
king was King Henry XX. King Henry XX didn’t
know anything about the treasure. Captain Arliss tried
in vain to give him the huge fortune, but King Henry
XX just refused to accept. Now they had a large
dilemma. They had a huge fortune, and nothing to do
with it. Wang Wang could think of only one thing to
do. That was to kill off the remaining pirates and take
their treasure, jewels, ship, and draft picks. As soon as
he did this, he immediately put Johnno in charge of
scouting to make sure they didn’t mess up the upcoming draft. He wanted to make sure Johnno had time to
help them make an educated decision. Wang Wang
also gave Johnno $1,000,000,000 for him to hire
assistance and for other scouting expenditures. But
the rest of the crew still had a barrel o’ treasure and
no ideas of what to do with it. Finally, Satan had a
brilliant plan. In this plan...
Chapter 16
The Annual Extraordinary
Groups and Peoples’ Lives Draft
Satan called out to Wang Wang: “Hey! How
about you come up with an idea?” Everyone thought
Satan had come up with a magnificent plan here.
Wang Wang was about to open his mouth when an
envelope fell form the sky right onto the crew’s ship.
“It’s addressed to you Wang Wang!” cried Petie.
Wang Wang remembered that the last time he had gotten an anonymous letter from out of the sky was when
they were all in Mitchell and God had dropped a similar note to him. The end result was that the lesbian
lovers Mary Wang Wang and Bessie had disappeared,
and so had the raccoons, the coyotes, the South
Korean roadside worker, Sunshine, Kathy the waitress, and Shoeless Joe Jackson. Wang Wang was hesitant to open this letter. But he did anyway. Sure
enough, it was from God. “Dear Wang Wang, this letter is to personally invite you to the Annual
Extraordinary Groups and Peoples’ Lives Draft. Only
groups with invitations from me are allowed to enter.
You are not allowed to share this information with
anyone besides your crew. You are to sail to the top
secret location of Tropical, Antarctica. It is an abandoned city that happens to have a really big domed
stadium. The draft gives your group and other similar
amazing groups around the world a chance to recruit
and sign people or animals with extraordinary talents
to help your crew. Good luck in the draft. Hugs and
kisses, God.” Wow, thought Wang Wang. He had
finally made it. He had been personally invited to the
Annual Extraordinary Groups and Peoples’ Lives
Draft. He wondered who would be there— former
President Jimmy Carter? The treasurer of Cheerios?
Kent Hrbek? He was eager to arrive. The group
arrived in very good time, three days before the draft.
The other teams (ten total groups had been invited to
the two-round, 20-selection event) were beginning to
pile in, and Johnno told Wang Wang he had the inside
scoop on a lot of hot prospects who could help the
gang. Wang Wang nodded his head, but he was suddenly very distracted. He began to see everything as a
competition. He knew that he had led the coolest life
of adventures of all time. He became jealous that
these other group leaders had even been invited to this
event with him. And one among those in attendance
was none other than Justice McCloud, who had the #1
overall pick. Wang Wang shook himself and got back
to concentrating. His gang had two first round choices
(#2 and #4) and the final second round choice (#20).
Before he knew it, he and Johnno had pulled the trigger on a deal that sent the jewel to everlasting life and
selection #20 to Bugs Bunny in exchange for the #3
pick in the draft. Firmly in control with three of the
top four picks, Wang Wang was feeling good. Draft
day was only two days away...
In making this trade, Wang Wang had completely made up for his earlier negotiating shortcomings. When Wang Wang made the previous deal with
Agent Jargon, the press viciously attacked him for
this. For example, the headline in The Daily Havanan
Journal read “Wang Wang is a Huge Dumbass.” The
Cairo Herald wrote in an editorial: “Wang Wang has
proved through the years that he has many admirable
traits. He has saved the world on a few occasions.
However, his ability to barter has been putrid. He
gave up the treasure chest, directions to England, and
two draft picks for three weeks of food and a ride
home. Agent Jargon again proved his terrific skill in
this arena as he came away like a thief. Wang Wang
desparately needs assistance in his ability to make
such deals. Some might say he should give up.” The
headline in The Uruguayian said “Wang Wang
Borders On Retardism.” The list could go on and on.
Naturally, Wang Wang made up for all of it when he
killed the pirates and ended up getting everything.
Whether he had that planned all along is unknown,
yet doubtful. Finally, after a long two days, draft day
had arrived. The teams gathered into the dome, took
their respective seats and God approached the podium. “Welcome to the 53rd Annual Extraordinary
Groups and Peoples’ Lives Draft. There will be a 20
minute time limit between picks. Justice McCloud has
the first pick. Justice, you’re on the clock.” Justice
McCloud listened to some final, desparate trade offers
from other members of the draft. However, after only
using up half of his allotted 20 minutes, McCloud
decided to hold on to his pick and his representatives
handed God the pick. God approached the podium
and announced “With the first pick in the 53rd Annual
Extraordinary Groups and Peoples’ Lives Draft,
Justice McCloud has chosen Geraldo Rivera. ChingXiao Zo Ping Wang Wang has the next 3 picks.
Therefore, the 20 minute rule will be added together
for all three picks and Wang Wang has simply one
hour to make all three picks. Wang Wang, you’re on
the clock.” Wang Wang had plenty of time and didn’t
want to rush anything. He had Johnno right by his
side. He remembered reading what the press had to
say about his negotiating abilities and realized he
needed some help. His personnel and organizing skills
were beginning to deteriorate. Therefore, with the second pick, they decided it would be most wise to take
Frank Chance. Chance was the first baseman and
player manager of the 1906 Chicago Cubs that helped
the Cubs reach a record of 116-36. Johnno realized
that anyone who could give the Cubs 116 wins must
be pretty special. With their next pick, Wang Wang
and Johnno decided one thing they desparately needed
was someone to provide them entertainment.
Naturally their selection for this need would be Art
Garfunkel. With their final pick, Wang Wang and
Johnno decided on famed bus driver Ubitsius
Baynalfor for obvious reasons. The decisions were
made and now Wang Wang and his crew could leave
for their New Orleans headquarters to meet their new
draft picks and attempt to sign them. Unfortunately
for Wang Wang, all three draft picks had signed with
agent Master P, and Master P was demanding tremendous contracts for all three draftees. Chance was
demanding 7 years for $890 million, a three legged
llama, and an ‘85 Schwinn. Garfunkel wanted 8 years
for $825 million, a pair of tights, and a hair dryer.
Baynalfor wanted 6 years for $690 million, a few
tires, and a hat that says “World’s Greatest Bus
Driver.” Luckily, they still had the treasure chest, so
they could comply and just barely dent the amount of
treasure they had. Now that their draft picks were
signed, it became necessary to do an ice breakers kind
of activity so everyone could get to know the new
guys. To do this, they...
ordered the three rookies to go iron their
clothes. It had been a long time since the gang had
gotten to do a good load of laundry, much less have
their clothes completely non-wrinkled. Unfortunately,
the task was a bit too laboring for Art Garfunkel, and
he filed for free agency. Frank Chance and Ubitsius
Baynalfor, however, made a good team. After three
days and nights of hard work, everyone’s clothes were
ironed. Wang Wang was impressed, and he told the
two newcomers that they had officially been added to
the roster. Ubitsius Baynalfor was unhappy with one
part of his contract, however: the team had no bus,
only a pirate ship. Lou stepped up and convinced
Ubitsius that driving a ship is the ultimate experience
for any ex-bus driver. Ubitsius agreed to try.
Suddenly, Wang Wang’s cell phone rang, and Henry
XX demanded that he be given his rightful treasure.
Wang Wang was dumbfounded, but due to the hierarchal laws of inheritance, the treasure did in fact
belong to Henry XX. So, Wang Wang turned to his
new ship driver and wheel steerer Ubitsius, and said,
“Bon voyage matee!” Ubitsius shunned this silly talk:
“Where the hell do you want me to go?” Wang Wang
blushed and told him England. Everyone was very
tired now, and they all went to their sleeping quarters.
Sadly, Ubitsius was left alone on the deck with no one
to talk to except the rolling waves of the open sea.
And that he did. In fact, he became so enthralled with
talking to the rolling waves of the sea that he forgot
about his duties to sail to England. The next morning
when everyone woke up, Rue realized at once that
they had gotten off course. “Wang Wang! Henry XX
is going to be pissed! Do you realize that we are off
the coast of...
The Central African Republic!?!?” Wang
Wang stepped outside in his pajamas and fluffy bunny
slippers, wiped the sleep out of his eyes, yawned, and
finally responded. “Rue, you are truly an uneducated
nincompoop. The Central African Republic is a landlocked country. It has no coast. Hence the name
‘CENTRAL African Republic.’ Rue immediately
turned red in shame and announced he was about to
feed himself to Huey the Hammershark. But before he
could leap overboard Frank Chance caught him. “You
can’t throw yourself overboard for a silly mistake like
that,” Chance said. “Mistakes happen. That’s acceptable. What matters is that you’re trying to help out the
team. The effort is what I like to see. You keep putting forth effort like that and I guarantee you’re going
to help us more than you’ll hurt us.” After that was
said, Rue decided to live. However, they now didn’t
know where they were. Rue noticed they were off
course, but he was incorrect as to their whereabouts.
It turns out that although Ubitsius began to talk to the
waves and he seemed demented, he actually knew
exactly where he was going. They were ten miles off
the coast of England. At this point, they had a moral
dilemma. They were going to England to return Henry
XX’s treasure. But did Henry XX not earlier refuse to
accept the treasure, even when Captain Arliss tried to
force him to accept? He did refuse. If he refused to
accept his own belongings, doesn’t that make them no
longer his? However, perhaps Henry XX was just
incapacitated at the time he made those claims. If that
was the case, shouldn’t he still get the treasure? After
long discussion, they decided as a group that he did
not deserve the treasure. He had already declined to
accept it so it was not his. Wang Wang picked up his
cell phone and called Henry XX. Henry XX picked up
the phone and offered his salutations. Wang Wang
responded by saying, “Hello Henry XX. This is Wang
Wang. Eat ass, dirtbag.” Henry XX immediately
declared war on Wang Wang. Wang Wang prepared
his troops for war by...
returning Mathilde’s cell phone to Sloppy
Pete. But said Sloppy Pete: “The owner of this cell
phone is someone I’d like to meet!” And so he
returned Mathilde’s cell phone to Satan. But said
Satan: “The owner of this cell phone is someone I’d
like to be datin’!” And so he returned Mathilde’s cell
phone to Frank Chance. But said Frank Chance: “The
owner of this cell phone... I’d like to get in her
pants!” And so he returned Mathilde’s cell phone to...
“Give me my damn cell phone already! Wang Wang,
you have been keeping this thing ever since that damn
party at the Magic Room of Doors. Do you know how
long I have gone without pleasuring myself with this
thing? And do you know what else? I’ve been having
an affair with Petie!” Everyone was silent. Petie
gulped as the truth pervaded the air like a heavy piano
on acid. But then everyone began to giggle. They
must have been giggling because even though
Mathilde was with Petie, she hadn’t been with anyone
else for a while, so she wasn’t really having an affair!
Oh, wait, nevermind. That’s wrong. Everyone was
giggling because the tooth fairy and a big flying raccoon had been having sex for months! Mathilde and
Petie joined in on the laughter as well. But these
weren’t funny times. Even though Mathilde had her
cell phone back and even though Mathilde had
cleared her conscience, she was about to face the
biggest test of her life. Henry XX and his troops suddenly boarded the pirate ship from a private jet.
“Wang Wang! I have declared war on you and I have
a deck of cards to prove it!” Feeling her pride well up
inside her, Mathilde announced that would play the
king in a game of war. The winner would get the
treasure. As the cards were being dealt...
Chapter 17
England’s new king
Petie, upset with Mathilde’s earlier announcement of their affair, took a giant grenade and threw it
at the group. Unfortunately for Petie, he forgot to take
the pin out first, so nothing came of this except everyone just laughed at Petie more. This really upset Petie
so he just started crying like a little girl in the front of
the boat all by himself. Little did he know that this
was the perfect thing to do to get back at the crew.
Because he was so damn big, all of his weight at the
front of the boat tipped the boat straight down into the
ocean. As it began to tip into the water, a whale
jumped out of the water, as whales often do, and hit
the boat head on. The whale went straight through the
boat and the boat was going under. Petie’s first
thought was to save the treasure. He did, and threw
the treasure on the nearby land. Then Petie decided to
tread water for a while and watch the scene unfold.
Huey the Hammershark had gotten hungry again, but
he didn’t want to eat his friends. Therefore, he just ate
Henry XX and all of his men. Huey didn’t forget to
eat the deck of cards either. Wang Wang and his entire
crew was saved as they jumped on the back of Petie,
who by now had forgiven his friends. Now something
very interesting had occurred. The King of England
was dead. All of Henry’s people were dead. In effect,
Wang Wang and his crew had defeated England in a
war due to Petie’s girth, flying whales, and Huey the
Hammershark. This could mean only one thing: Wang
Wang is the new King of England! Wang Wang was a
little afraid though, considering his only previous history of leading a country led to a complete failure,
anarchy, and the initial death of Petie. Wang Wang
brought this up to Petie, and Petie reached down to
where his testicles used to be and began to cry. Wang
Wang felt bad for reminding Petie of this troubled part
of his past, so to make it up to him, he fed Petie the
town of Liverpool. Next Wang Wang had to figure out
how to make sure this would be a bigger success than
his previous governing experience. To do this he...
decided to fire the current cabinet of England
and replace them with, of course, his own crew. If he
could have friends that had in depth knowledge of
every sector of the English nation, he would definitely
succeed as king. He named: Lou, Prime Minister of
Parliament (Parliament was overthrown and Lou
became the lawmaking body of England); Petie,
Secret Service Chief (he was big and he could fly—
he could always protect the king); Mathilde, Surgeon
General (extensive dental and tooth fairy experience);
Johnno, Foreign Trade Director (good at making deals
as in the Annual Extraordinary Groups and Peoples’
Lives Draft); Rue, War Secretary (usually has good
knowledge of maps); Satan, Pope (obvious reasons);
Ubitsius Baynalfor, Transportation Chief (knows
buses and roads like no other); Frank Chance,
National Sports Director (Cubs have worldwide
appeal... the idea here is to promote England sports
worldwide); and Huey the Hammershark, Defense
Secretary (England shares a border with no other
country; Huey can defend any and all attack from
sea). Unfortunately, Madeline was without a position.
Wang Wang decided that it might be time for him to
finally settle down with a woman. He was tired of
being the world’s top bachelor. Plus, Madeline was
very attractive, and she had been loyal to him for
many years by sticking around. Plus, they could get
married by Satan the Pope in a very public and timeless wedding. But first, Wang Wang had to win over
Madeline’s heart. They had been through so much
together, yet they had never really had much alone
time. Luckily for Wang Wang, Madeline had cared
deeply for him ever since he had saved her life by
calling her name out to God in South Dakota. So
when Wang Wang asked her, “Will you go out with
me tomorrow night?”the future queen said, “Of
course!” Now, Wang Wang may be a fearless leader
and an adventurous sonofabitch, but he’s no Romeo.
On their first date, Wang Wang took Madeline out to...
Kentucky Fried Chicken followed by an
enjoyable evening at a local tittybar. Well, I suppose I
should clarify that it was an enjoyable evening for
Wang Wang at first, but it was a problem for
Madeline. Not surprisingly, Madeline used to be an
exotic dancer. It took much effort for Madeline to
escape this unfortunate part of her past and coming
back to an establishment such as this one brought
back some bad memories. It also brought back some
positive memories, evidently. You see, after about 15
minutes, Madeline excused herself to go to the bathroom. As she was in there she was washing her face
and one of the dancers, Whory McWhore approached
her. “Hi, my name is Whory McWhore,” said Whory
McWhore. “You know, you have a beautiful ass and a
terrific ass. How would you like to make some money
tonight?” Madeline didn’t want to dance tonight. She
was here on a date with Wang Wang and never
planned on dancing; however, the allure of the stage
was just too strong. She agreed and went backstage
with Whory McWhore. At this point Wang Wang was
a little worried, because Madeline had been gone a
long time so Wang Wang got up and walked towards
the bathrooms. Just as he was about to enter the
women’s restroom he heard a voice over the loudspeaker say, “And now, let’s have a nice round of
applause for our newest dancer, Madeline!” Wang
Wang immediately turned around and ran towards the
stage and took a seat where they had sat before in the
front row as Madeline emerged. Everyone was in awe
because she was far hotter than any of the other dirty
skanks this filthy business ever puts out. Wang Wang
began to smile ear to ear as he nudged the man next
to him and told him that that was his date on stage.
Madeline did her dirty dance and the crowd erupted in
praise, and then Madeline and Wang Wang left to go
Wang Wang’s place where Madeline would spend the
night... on the couch. The next morning, newspapers
all across the land gave rave reviews to this new, yet
not new, dancing sensation. Wang Wang was woken
up at 8 in the morning by the telephone. Wang Wang
answered and on the other end was famed porno
director Randolpho Husinari. Randolpho said that he
had heard all about Madeline and would love to put
her in his next picture. Wang Wang immediately ran
over to Madeline and jumped on her to wake her up
and this gave Wang Wang an idea. Not only would it
be great for Madeline to be in pornos, but Wang Wang
also had some porno experience as was mentioned in
chapter six. Perhaps Wang Wang could be her co-star!
Before Wang Wang had such visions of grandeur, he
decided he should let Madeline have some say in this.
When Wang Wang woke her up and told her of the
news, she exclaimed...
“What the hell are you talking about? Wang
Wang, we never went to a tittybar. You took me out to
that romantic chicken place.” Wang Wang insisted
that Madeline had put on a fantastic show last night,
and that Randolpho Husinari was on the line, waiting
in earnest. Madeline picked up the phone, and no one
was there. Wang Wang was shocked. “Wang Wang,
remember in Chapter Thirteen when you saved my
life? Then you realized that I had never been a prostitute. It was all your creation. Well this story you’re
telling me— it’s all a creation, too, Wang Wang. All
we did last night was go to Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Then you were so full from the gallons of mashed
potatoes that you devoured that you passed out. I took
you back here.” Wang Wang felt like a pervert. But
Madeline shook it off and laughed. “Listen, I want to
take you out tonight. Will you go with me?” Wang
Wang said yes. It was at this time that Lou took
advantage of the powerful position that Wang Wang
had given him. Lou, the only member of Parliament
and therefore the entire lawmaking body of England,
declared that the royal throne hierarchy was illegal,
and that Wang Wang’s position as king would be
revoked. Lou also forced the exile of Secret Service
Chief Petie the Raccon, Surgeon General Mathilde,
Foreign Trade Director Johnno, War Secretary Rue,
Pope Satan, Transportation Chief Ubitsius Baynalfor,
National Sports Director Frank Chance, and Defense
Secretary Huey the Hammershark. Their location at
this time is unknown. However, Pope Satan was not
going to let Lou go all tyrannical on this mofo without punishment. Satan, with his intrinsic powers from
Hell and his newly acquired Heaven/Pope powers had
a plan for Lou. Lou, after announcing his decree on
English television, walked over to the local bakery
shop. He purchased the last roll of bread for that day
and went on his merry way. He was going to go to the
laundromat to do some laundry, but instead he found
two women in the midst of a heated argument.
“Bloody hell, Lucinda! You can’t use a 120-watt bulb
on your antique lamp!” Lucinda disagreed with her
friend September, and Lou decided to step in. But we
digress— let us go back to the bread. A few minutes
later, some blokes named John and Roger stumbled
into the very same bakery shop. “Looks like you owe
me a roll of bread, Roger!” Roger had unfortunately
lost at their game of “Guess which animal we will see
next on the street.” Roger guessed kangaroo, and John
took the conventional choice of dog. Now Roger was
having to pay the steep price of buying John a roll of
bread. But there were no bread rolls left. None. Nada.
Zero. Zilch. John told Roger that if there were no
bread rolls left, then Roger would have to get him a
plunger. But there were no plungers left at the London
Plunger Store. John then demanded a light bulb.
Roger stole a light bulb from an old lady who was
wearing one on top of her Philadelphia Phillies baseball cap. Suddenly, across the street, Roger and John
saw Lucinda and September arguing with Lou trying
to intervene. Thinking they could help stop the argument, Roger and John both yelled at the same time in
sync: “We have 120-watt bulb you can use! Right
here!” Then, the old woman with the Philadelphia
Phillies baseball cap cried out to Lou that those boys
had just stolen her light bulb, and she was not okay
with Lucinda using it to prove to September her point.
Lou felt it was his duty as the head of England to
resolve this situation. But should Lou cross the street
and get the light bulb so as to let September and
Lucinda solve their fight? Or should Lou cross the
street and get the light bulb and return it to its rightful
owner, the old lady with the Philadelphia Phillies
baseball cap? Lou wasn’t sure, but he did knew he
was going to cross the street. He crossed the... but
then Pope Satan kicked his Volkswagen Beetle into
high gear, put the pedal to the metal, and absolutely
pulverized Lou going at 70 mph. Lou was gone.
Needless to say, Pope Satan and the exilees had
escaped their fate and killed Lou the bad guy. The
light bulb was then returned to the old woman with
the Philadelphia Phillies baseball cap, leaving
September and Lucinda arguing, and John without a
reward for winning the animal bet. But that doesn’t
matter. Everyone hurried over to tell Wang Wang and
Madeline the news...
The two were getting ready to go on Wang
Wang’s mystery date. Madeline had not yet told him
where they were going, so that constitutes a mystery
date. Pope Satan was the one to tell Wang Wang of
the news. Wang Wang’s initial response was pure horror. He absolutely couldn’t believe that Pope Satan
would leave two lovely ladies arguing and he was in
utter shock that John did not get a reward for his animal bet. This problem must be resolved. Wang Wang
immediately ordered that Lucinda, September, John,
and Roger be brought over to him so he could help in
these discussions. In four to six weeks, the four troubled youngsters arrived. Because it took everyone so
long to get them all together, the problem had already
been solved! Because there was nothing available
originally, Roger gave John bread and a plunger.
Lucinda and September simply no longer cared about
their argument. With petty arguments such as the one
they had, you can only feel so strongly about your
side for so long. Therefore, they soon were friends
again. Initially, Wang Wang felt like a jackass, however when he lifted his crying head out of his hands, he
saw that Lucinda and John and September and Roger
were making out with each other like their plane was
going down. This brought a smile to Wang Wang’s
face. Even though he messed up, everything turned up
roses. He brought two pairs of lovers together. The
next day, they all got married. Pope Satan then presented Wang Wang with another dilemma. His brother
had been killed. Did Wang Wang want to do anything
about this? Originally, out of bitterness, Wang Wang
said no. After all, Lou tried to dethrone Wang Wang
and exile all of his friends. However, their brotherly
bond was too strong. Wang Wang decided that he
would like Satan to bring him back. However, Wang
Wang would force him to live naked in a small cage
out in the middle of the giant London Westside Park.
Upon further review, everyone convinced Wang Wang
not to force Lou to be naked because that is a punishment to everyone else. That made sense to Lou. Pope
Satan brought Lou back and immediately placed him
in the cage in the park. Wang Wang then approached
his imprisoned brother and Lou broke down in tears.
He then looked towards Wang Wang and said...
“Wang Wang! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to...
Wang Wang move! The moon is falling!” Wang Wang
looked up and indeed saw that the moon was falling
from the sky. It wasn’t a meteor or an asteroid. It was
THE moon. Despite the horrific situation, Wang Wang
was still mad at Lou. It was a shame that Lou was
stuck in cage and Wang Wang didn’t have a key to let
him out. So, Wang Wang started to run away in order
to save himself. Screw Lou. “Wait! Save me!” cried
out caged-up Lou, clutching to the bars of the cage in
agony. Wang Wang stopped in his tracks. He simply
couldn’t do this to his own brother. So he ran back
and picked up the cage with caged-up Lou in it. The
sky had turned black by now, and the moon was getting closer with each second. Suddenly, Petie came to
the rescue again with everyone on his back. “Hurry,
get on!” he yelled to Wang Wang and Lou, who was
still in the cage. Wang Wang suddenly noticed Petie’s
new red flying cape. “Hey, nice cape,” he commented.
“Thanks Wang Wang,” replied Petie. “Where did you
get it?” asked Wang Wang. “Calypso’s Raccoon
Apparel Outlet. I got it on sale— 25 percent off!”
Petie exclaimed. “It’s really beautiful. I would get one
just like yours, but I don’t wear a size 850,” said
Wang Wang. “Did they have smaller sizes?” Petie said
that in fact, they did. “But even the smaller sizes are
fit for raccoons. But I’m sure you could get them
hemmed.” Suddenly, the urgency of the entire situation presented itself again. Wang Wang and caged-up
Lou hopped on Petie, and they all flew away to safety.
Once they landed in Ireland, the group all went to a
local pub to get some drinks and take a break. In the
pub, they saw on TV that the moon had fallen from
space and had destroyed all of London. “Astronomers,
politicians, geographers, and moon fans everywhere
are hoping that Wang Wang and his gang will come to
Earth’s rescue once again, and return the moon, still
fully intact, to its normal position in space,” said the
news reporter. Wang Wang took that as a mandate,
and they all decided to fly back to London the next
day. Meanwhile, caged-up Lou was complaining.
“Can someone please let me out of this cage?” Pope
Satan said that in all the mess and confusion, he had
left the key to the cage in his London flat. Since there
was no more London, there was no more key. Cagedup Lou would be in the cage for some time. Anyways,
the group all flew back to London the next day, and...
Chapter 18
Mooning
saw that everything they had seen on TV in
Ireland was a huge lie. Those Irish were just fooling
with them because they didn’t like the King of
England in their country so they created a reason to
get him out. It ended up that the moon was actually
falling towards the Earth but it inexplicably just
stopped once it approached the Earth’s atmosphere.
Well, although London was safe for now, it just really
wasn’t a comfortable situation.Who could guess when
the moon would finish falling towards them? No one.
Therefore, it must be pushed back to its natural position. To do this, Pope Satan and Petie flew towards
the moon and used brute strength to throw it back into
position. All problems were averted, for now anyway.
Pushing the moon back to its original position made
them safe now; however, it could fall back anytime.
Luckily now that the moon had been pushed back,
they could have more time to react if this were to happen again. Lou now pointed out that if the key to his
cage was in Pope Satan’s London flat. It should still
be there because the moon never actually fell. Pope
Satan realized this was in fact true and went off to
retrieve the key. Soon he was back and Lou was free
again. There was much rejoicing. Lou looked up
towards the sky and thought it appeared the moon was
beginning to creep towards the Earth again, but then
again he could be wrong. Perhaps being locked up in
a cage hampered his judgement. Who knows? It’s difficult to say for sure. Wang Wang then looked up at
the sky and realized that, yes, the moon was in fact
falling again. He jumped on Petie’s back and flew to
the moon. Little did he know that hiding behind the
moon and playing this trick on the world was...
Clark the Clam— or at least his copy of himself. Clark the Clam was a clam who lived in the
Pacific Ocean. But, he had been chased into the
Atlantic Ocean by Huey the Hammershark during the
gang’s journey from Alaska to England. Clark the
Clam was basically just trying to get back home to the
Pacific Ocean. But Huey the Hammershark had
relentlessly chased him the entire trip a few weeks
back. So, Clark the Clam decided to use his supernatural powers to do something about his dire situation.
So, Clark the Clam copied himself and sent the copy
clam to the moon to push the moon towards the surface. That way, the moon would be closer to the earth,
thus forcing the tides to occur much more each day.
Then, Clark the Clam could float back to his native
Pacific Ocean in a couple of weeks rather than two
years. Wang Wang and Petie, unprepared to fight a
clam copy behind the moon, flew back down to
London, infuriated with Huey the Hammershark.
What was he thinking when chasing a supernatural
clam? Was he not thining of the obvious conseqeuences? Wang Wang and Petie met the group back
at their London headquarters, and Huey the
Hammershark was enjoying his afternoon swim at the
local Holiday Inn swimming pool. The group had to
decide what to do not only to Huey the Hammershark,
but also to Clark the Clam...
After much discussion, it was decided that not
much could be done about Clark the Clam. Could
anyone blame him for what he did? He got chased out
of his home and just wanted to return. It was actually
a pretty reasonable action that Clark the Clam performed to return. Even if they wanted to punish Clark
the Clam in anyway, it would be very difficult
because they had no idea where he was. Due to this,
they began to think about their punishment for Huey
the Hammershark. Then they rethought about having
no idea where Clark the Clam was. Then they thought
about Huey the Hammershark’s punishment and then
the unknown whereabouts of Clark the Clam. After
repeating this process for several hours, the answer
seemed quite obvious: Huey the Hammershark would
be ordered to conduct a search for Clark the Clam,
apologize once he finds him, and then return with a
handwritten signed statement from Clark the Clam to
prove that this deed was in fact accomplished. They
all went to the hotel and asked the lady at the front
desk where they could find the swimming pool. The
lady then responded “So, you want to find a big
swimming pool with a shark named Huey swimming
in it? What does this look like, a Holiday Inn?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” After everyone looked
at her for a while, she sighed, stopped laughing, and
pointed out that they were in the wrong hotel. The
Holiday Inn was across the street. They then went
over to the Holiday Inn, grabbed Huey the
Hammershark by the fin, told him his task and threw
him in the ocean. All this action made Wang Wang
tired and he decided to get a room at the Holiday Inn
to take a nap as the rest of the group went out to eat
cow testicles. Wang Wang got in the room, and immediately fell into a deep sleep. After about seven hours
of sleeping, the phone woke up Wang Wang. He
picked it up and the voice on the other line said, “Hi
Wang Wang. Remember me? LABARAYALALAFALALALADINGDONG! HAHAHA! See
you soon whack job!” Want Wang had no idea who
this was so decided to go back to sleep. After 20 minutes, Wang Wang was awoken again, but this time by
a knock on the door. A voice Wang Wang couldn’t
recognize said, “Wang Wang, open this damn door.
We haven’t got much time, man!” Wang Wang was
immediately sprung into action as he lunged for the
door. He looked through the little peep hole and saw...
nothing. Suddenly, the door attacked him, and
it threw Wang Wang to the ground. Suddenly, Wang
Wang woke up and realized that he had been dreaming. The “door” hadn’t thrown him to the ground—
Wang Wang had just fallen out of bed. But then Wang
Wang couldn’t decipher if that odd phone call had
been a dream. He decided not to worry about it, and
he returned to sleeping. Wang Wang woke up again
and then suddenly realized that EVERYTHING had
been a dream. He was in the ship from North Korea to
America. “What a dream. But this is terrible. All those
friends never existed,” he thought. Wang Wang was
sad as he looked around the desolate ship due for
New York City. Then, Wang Wang woke up again and
realized that this episode of him thinking it was all
fake was just a dream as well. This time he was really
awake. Everything after throwing Huey the
Hammershark into the ocean had been a dream, or
dreams within dreams. To prove this, Wang Wang saw
that Petie the Raccoon was sleeping in bathtub of the
hotel room. Petie had also gnawed a hole on the hotel
door, allowing him to enter. Again, Wang Wang didn’t
care, and he went back to sleep. Meanwhile, while the
gang (minus Wang Wang and Petie) was finishing
their cow testicle meal, everyone got to talking about
their childhood TV shows. Everyone instantly mentioned “Saved by the Lockers,” a classic middle
school comedy series. Sloppy Pete recalled,
“Remember that crazy teacher lady on there who was
half blind? She would always go scold that one kid in
the back of the room, then walk backwards back to
the chalkboard...” “And then she would fall into that
big trash can!” yelled out Satan. Everyone burst into
laughter. That teacher had done that many a time during the series. “Her legs would be flailing all over the
place, and then the janitors would have to come in
and get her out of the trash can before they could take
the trash out.” It was a good time for everyone. But
the situation bore one enormous problem. No one
could remember the name of the teacher’s character
from the show. Everyone simply knew her as the
teacher who always fell into the oversized trash can.
Johnno suggested that they all play a trick on Wang
Wang and Petie. “We should go wake them up and
say, ‘Hey remember that TV show with the goofy
teacher who fell in trash cans?’ And then Wang Wang
or Petie will be like, ‘Oh yea! You mean Mrs. Umm...
Damn what was her name?’ And then we can give
Wang Wang and Petie crap for not knowing her name.
Or, if they do know her name, our problem will be
solved!” Frank Chance immediately slapped Johnno
firmly on the ass, saying, “You’re really helping out
the team. That kind of effort is superb. This is what I
like to see!” Everyone ignored the fact that Frank
Chance was obviously gay. Instead, they all just went
back to the hotel to wake up Wang Wang and Petie, so
they could play their little prank. But when they got
back to the hotel...
they walked up to the desk and asked the
receptionist if she could give them the room number
that Wang Wang was in. The receptionist responded
by saying, “What room is Wang Wang staying at?
What does this look like, a Holiday Inn?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” Everyone stood in stunned silence
briefly before the receptionist pointed out that they
again went to the wrong hotel. The Holiday Inn was
across the street. The group went to the Holiday Inn
and approached the receptionist, and Lou asked “Um,
excuse me ma’am. Is this a Holiday Inn?” The receptionist responded by saying, “What does this look
like, a Holiday Inn?” Lou said yes and the receptionist
explained that Lou’s intuition was correct. It was the
Holiday Inn. Lou then asked for Wang Wang’s room
number, but the receptionist said she had no information of a Wang Wang at the hotel. Lou was briefly
confused but then thought he figured out what the
deal was. Wang Wang must have used his fake name
Jeffrey Dahmer. That’s the ticket! Wang Wang was in
room 666.
They all climbed the stairs for the sixth floor in search
of Wang Wang. As they approached room 666 they
saw the aforementioned hole in the wall created by
Petie. They decided that knocking was unnecessary
and just barged on in through the hole. To their immediate right once they entered the door was the bathroom. They saw some of Petie’s hair in there, but
Petie could not be seen. They then entered completely
into the room and it was empty. One of the two beds
appeared as though it had been slept in while the
other was still made. The clock was flashing 12:00
and the TV was on to some really hot porn. They didn’t realize it at the time, but one of the co-stars of the
film was Whory McWhore. That is however neither
here nor there. There was no one in the room. As Lou
looked up, he saw that the window was open and the
curtains were flying in the breeze. It appeared as
though they must have left through the window... or
perhaps the gaping hole in the door. Lou ran over to
the window to see if he could see anything. There was
no where to go other than down. Lou looked down
and saw a dead body, but it wasn’t Wang Wang. It
must have been someone from room 766, or so Lou
thought. As Lou turned around to tell the gang he had
lost his brother, he noticed a note sitting on the
unmade bed. It read “Lou, I have taken Wang Wang
and Petie. If you ever want to see them alive again,
meet me tonight at the London Abandoned
Warehouse. The London Abandoned Warehouse is a
huge warehouse built in 1903. It was named the
London Abandoned Warehouse from the beginning,
and thus the warehouse has been and will forever be
abandoned. Its main purpose is to have a place to
meet when people meet for creepy-ass reasons, such
as when one person kidnaps a man and a giant ass
raccoon and wants to meet the man’s brother about
how to get his brother and giant ass raccoon back.
Anyway, if you want to see them again, come alone.
And no funny business. I don’t want to hear any
knock knock jokes dammit. Just bring yourself. Oh,
by the way, come at 10:00. LABARAYALALAFALALALADINGDONG!!! Yeah.” Lou was
terrified! His brother has done so much for him. He
must get him back and he must follow the kidnapper’s
instructions. Therefore at 10:00 he went to the
London Abandoned Warehouse by himself to get his
brother and Petie. When he got there he saw...
Chapter 19
Kidnapped!
Huey the Hammershark and Clark the Clam
talking. Lou became enfuriated. “What have you done
with Wang Wang and Petie!?” Huey and Clark looked
up in confusion. “Oh,” chuckled Huey. “You must be
the 10 p.m. appointment, How strange!” Lou realized
that he had come a bit early to the London Abandoned
Warehouse, and that Huey and Clark actually had the
room reserved from 9 until 10 p.m. for their own
creepy-ass reason: signing a handrwitten statement
from Clark the Clam to prove that Huey the
Hammershark had apologized for chasing him into the
Atlantic Ocean. Now that Huey had endured his punishment, he could get back to his normal oceanic life.
Clark could also do the same because he had now
officially put the moon back in place, and he was getting a ride to the Pacific Ocean from Huey. Anyways,
they left. The abandoned warehouse was empty,
except for Lou. One might even go as far as to say
that the Abandoned Warehouse was now abandoned.
But one shouldn’t go that far because Lou is still in
there. But besides him, it was abandoned. But then
someone un-abandoned it, even though it wasn’t techincally abandoned in the first place because Lou, a
person, was there. A dirty man dressed in a pink
bunny face mask, an “Antarctica rules” t-shirt, bell
bottoms, and big red Converse shoes quietly came in.
He waved at Lou, and Lou pretended to look away,
avoiding eye contact. Lou felt very awkward, so he
began meandering around the room, pretending there
were paintings on the walls. He studied each painting
carefully, even though they weren’t there. He suddenly noticed that “Mr. Converse” was following him.
Lou then tried to think of something else to do to
avoid this strangely dressed man. But there just aren’t
a whole lot of things to do in an abandoned warehouse with absolutely nothing in it but four walls, a
ceiling, a floor, and a door. That’s it. It was a big
abandoned room, although Lou and “Mr. Converse”
hadn’t abandoned it, so it was just an empty room.
But it wasn’t totally empty because there were two
people in it. But besides them, it was empty.
Nevertheless, Lou is creative, so to avoid Mr.
Converse, he started doing handstands. He started off
poorly, but soon got some 20-plus second ones going.
However, Lou soon realized that Mr. Converse was
doing handstands too. An aggravated Lou wondered
where the man was who had left him the note which
said to meet him here at 10 p.m. After all, it was
10:15. Where was this guy? Wait!!! It couldn’t be Mr.
Converse could it? “Nooooooooo,” thought Lou. “It
can’t be him. Mr. Converse must just be early for the
11 p.m. appointment.” Lou then turned to measuring
the length of each wall. Mr. Converse finally spoke up
and asked Lou if he had an appointment to be here.
Lou said, “No, I am the lighting technician and
mechanic for this building. I am examining the walls
and measuring them for future reference. I was doing
handstands to test the floor’s durability. Surprisingly,
it’s pretty strong. Yep... London has good strong
ground. It won’t collapse on ya.” Mr. Converse nodded his head. London sure did have strong ground.
You could jump as hard as you wanted to, but London
ground won’t give way. Mr. Converse remained silent
for a few minutes, and then he went to longest wall in
the room and began writing on the wall. Lou paid little attention as he was examining his own wall for
other paintings and also for proper measurement. As
soon as Lou realized this was a waste of time, he
turned around and saw that Mr. Converse was gone!
Mr. Converse had written on the wall: “Sorry Lou. I
have a very big dentist appointment, so I can’t meet
with you tonight. Unfortunately, while you are wasting time here, I have gone back to the Holiday Inn
and kidnapped Wang Wang’s girlfriend Madeline and
also Mathilde the Tooth Fairy. So, I now have four of
your friends whom I am holding for ransom. If you
want to help yourself, go back to the hotel and look
for clues. LABARAYALALAFALALALADINGDONG! Sincerely, Mr. Converse.” Lou was a fucking
moron. Let me say that again: a fucking dirty moron.
Mr. Converse had been in the room for 20 minutes,
and Lou had no idea that it was he who had left the
note. I mean, who would have known? Lots of people
show up at the London Abandoned Warehouse at 10
p.m. Lou decided to go back to the hotel and hunt for
clues with Johnno, Rue, Sloppy Pete, Satan, Ubitsius
Baynalfor, and Frank Chance. However, when he got
back to the hotel...
he approached the desk and asked the receptionist if she saw anyone entering the the hotel wearing a pink bunny face mask, an “Antarctica rules” t-
shirt, bell bottoms, and big red Converse shoes. The
receptionist responded by saying, “So, you are looking for a man wearing a pink bunny
face mask, an ‘Antarctica rules’ t-shirt, bell bottoms,
and big red Converse shoes? What does this look like,
a Holiday Inn?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!” Lou did
not say anything and the receptionist sighed and
explained that Lou once again went to the wrong
hotel. So, again Lou crossed the street and went to the
Holiday Inn in order to look for clues. He walked in
and approached the receptionist and asked if she had
seen Mr. Converse. She said that she had, and also, he
left a message for him on the giant 25 foot by 10 foot
poster with Lou’s picture on it that he left right there
in the lobby for all to see. Lou had simply missed it.
Lou thanked the receptionist and looked at the poster.
The poster told Lou that he should look in room 666
for additional clues. He ran up the stairs to the sixth
floor. Once he got to the top stair, he was a little
winded and stopped to catch his breath. However,
while doing this, he leaned backwards and fell all the
way down the stairs. He was about to run up the stairs
again, but fell after only a few steps. Once he picked
himself off the floor, he decided it might be best to
take the elevator. Unfortunately, after he pressed the
button, the elevator burst into flames so he could not
take the elevator and had to go back to the stairs. He
then went up the stairs very carefully and managed to
be successful. Finally he got to room 666 and there
was still the large hole in the door thanks to Petie, so
he was able to walk right in. Once he got in, he saw
Johnno, Rue, Sloppy Pete, Satan, Ubitsius Baynalfor,
and Frank Chance all gagged and tied on the bed on
each other. Lou ungagged his friends and asked what
happened. They said that Mr. Converse’s associate,
Mr. Conversehelper, did it to them. Mr.
Conversehelper told them that Mr. Converse would be
unavailable temporarily because he just had a root
canal, and he needed some time to rest. However, if
Lou wanted to reach Mr. Conversehelper, he could
call him and his phone number was (QQQ) QQQZZZZ. Lou thanked the gang for the information and
asked if they were all okay. They said they were, so
Lou asked them to think really hard about whether
there was something else they could tell him.
Anything that would help them find the kidnappers
and the kidnappees a little bit easier. Frank Chance
remembered something. “I know! One thing I found a
little bit odd about the whole situation was...
that Mr. Conversehelper had a mysterious
power about him. Basically, he walked into the room
and bound and gagged us one by one. I have no idea
why we didn’t try to resist him in his efforts. I was
the first to be bound and gagged. Why the hell didn’t
you guys do anything?” Johnno spoke up. “Frank, I
don’t know why anyone else didn’t help, but I am still
disgusted by the fact that you firmly slapped my ass.
That’s why I didn’t try to stop Mr. Conversehelper.”
Then Johnno posed the question of why hadn’t anyone tried to stop Mr. Conversehelper when he was the
second to be bound and gagged. Rue said it was
because he was counting the butterflies in the hotel
room. He reported that his results were still zero after
several days of intense counting. Sloppy Pete revealed
that he had not noticed Mr. Conversehelper enter the
room because he was trying to show Satan how to
make a paper airplane that acted like a boomerang
and came back to you. Satan said, “Yep, that’s what I
was doing too.” But what was Ubitsius Baynalfor’s
story? Why hadn’t he attempted to stop Mr.
Conversehelper? “I was on the phone with the press.
Everyone is asking me where the king of England is.”
So, that explained why Mr. Conversehelper was able
to easily and discreetly sneak into a single hotel room
and bound and gag six separate individuals without
being noticed. Lou said that this hadn’t been any help,
so he called the number to reach Mr. Conversehelper.
The answering machine said: “This is Mr.
Conversehelper. I am having my root canal today. If
you want to leave a message for Mr. Converse, press
1. If you want to leave me a message about my pet
emu, press 2. If you want to leave me a message concerning your theories on biomechanics, press 3.” Lou
was getting antsy at this point. He couldn’t anticipate
which number would be the one that he should press.
So he patiently waited until a more sensible option
came up. “If you want to leave me a message about
my adolescent football playing days, press 4. If this is
Aunt Yolanda, press 5. If you want to leave me a message about what makes for a good lemon pie, press 6.
To remind me that I still have a lot of acne, hit 7. If
you want to leave me a message about trading draft
picks, press 8. If your brother has been kidnapped by
me, press 9...” Lou immediately removed the phone
from his ear and hit the 9 button in excitement. This
was definitely the option for him. “Hello. Please tell
me your name, your team name, your phone number,
and which draft picks you would like to trade with
me. Thank you.” Lou hung up in frustration, realizing
he had accidentally hit the 8 button. He called back
and heard once again, “This is Mr. Conversehelper. I
am having my root canal today. If you want to leave a
message...” Lou immediately and carefully pressed 9
this time, so as not to listen to the entire menu again.
However, a computer voice blatantly announced that
“We’re sorry. You cannot select an option that has not
yet been announced. Please hang up and try again.
Thank you.” The impatient Lou patiently hung up,
called again, and listened the whole damned menu
before again pressing 9. Finally. “Hello. Please leave
your name, the name of your kidnapped brother, and
anything else you feel needs to be said. Thank you.”
Lou found it interesting that both Mr. Converse and
Mr. Conversehelper had had root canals in the last
two days. At any rate, Lou left his message...
"Hey assmonger. This is Lou. You stole my
brother Wang Wang, my friend raccoon Petie, the slut
Madeline, and the tooth fairy. I would like them back
please. Thank you! You know where to find me.” At
this point, an envelope flew through the window and
hit Johnno in the head and knocked him unconscious.
Lou picked up the envelope and noticed that it was
addressed to him. This was interesting. The last few
times we’ve seen a letter randomly appear that was
addressed to one of the characters in our story it was
for Wang Wang from God. Naturally, Lou expected
this one to be from God as well. He was way off. It
was from Mr. Conversehelper. It read: “Hello chum.
I’m sorry I could not receive your call. These root
canals are a pain in the ass. I can’t believe I had to get
one right after Mr. Converse. My initial thought was
that it was contagious and Mr. Converse gave it to
me. This is not the case though. My dentist informed
me that I was just not correct. That’s okay though,
because I kicked Mr. Converse in the mouth anyway.
Let me tell you, that is not comfortable, especially
after a root canal. Trust me, I should know. After I
had mine, Mr. Converse returned the favor. This was
not a good thing. He had an iron boot on. I now have
no teeth. Actually, that’s not technically true. I do
have teeth, but they aren’t mine. I had a teeth transplant. Medicine these days... it’s incredible I tell ya.
They actually surgically put beaver teeth in my
mouth. It’s great. Granted, my front teeth are really
long now, but it’s better than being dateless. Anyway,
about your friends. I would love to give them back to
you. In fact, right about now, I am not so happy with
Mr. Converse because he kicked my teeth out. I think
I can help you. I am right now in my home, and if
you could come to visit me, that would be great. I
have to tell you, you have some great friends, and I
would love to join your gang. We were all hanging
out the other day, and we decided to play a little game
of kickball. Granted, I kicked all their asses because
they were all tied to chairs, but I think we had a good
time. No one can resist a good game of kickball. I
think you have to agree with me on this one. Anyway,
you know where to find me. Come over as soon as
you can. Love, Mr. Conversehelper.” Lou thought Mr.
Conversehelper seemed very nice in this letter; however, there was one thing that had him question his
intentions. Lou actually did not know where to find
Mr. Conversehelper. He had actually never met Mr.
Conversehelper. Lou smelled a scam. Actually he didn’t smell anything. He had come down with a little bit
of a cold lately and couldn’t smell a damn thing. But
he could still sense a scam. At this time another envelope flew through the window and hit Rue in the eye
and then landed on Johnno’s stomach, who was still
passed out. Rue screamed in agony. “Ouch!” he said.
Lou picked up this envelope and wasn’t all that surprised when he saw that it was also addressed to him.
He opened it up and it was also from Mr.
Conversehelper, and this one said: “Lou, I must offer
my apologies. I just realized that we have never met
and you don’t know where I live. Enclosed is a map.
Please leave as soon as possible to come find me. Mr.
Converse is in Ghana right now feeding ostrich burgers to hungry llamas but could return any minute now.
Anyway, until then. Ta ta! Your friend, Mr.
Conversehelper.” Now the feeling of a scam Lou had
earlier disappeared. This was the answer to
his query. However, as soon as he thought of this, he
realized that perhaps Mr. Conversehelper knew what
Lou was thinking and therefore sent the second letter
to make him think it wasn’t a scam when in fact this
was all just part of the scam. Lou wasn’t sure what to
think. He realized that he couldn’t go visit Mr.
Conversehelper alone. He would ask for support from
his crew, except for Johnno, who was still uncon-
scious. Rue could come along, although his eye was
still kind of hurting. So, the rest of the group left the
hotel and looked at the map to devise a plan to get to
the
home of Mr. Conversehelper. As they set off on their
way...
they realized the map was severely outdated.
Apparently, Mr. Conversehelper thought that the
world was flat, because he told the group to “Turn
right on Wicket Way, but do not go north of Locust
Park because it is the end of the world, and you will
fall off the edge.” Needless to say, the rest of the map
was pretty inaccurate. By midday, the group had
given up after the map instructed them to “Collect 15
marbles from Wicket Way and then look south. Get
on that llama and he will take you to me.” Lou wanted to follow the map and its instructions, but Ubitsius
Baynalfor would have nothing of it. “It’s a scam Lou.
This guy is out to get you.” Lou nodded and was
pissed. The gang retraced their steps back to the
Holiday Inn. Lou went in and looked at the receptionist. Before even speaking a word, he relaized his mistake, immediately turned around, and walked across
the street to the real Holiday Inn. Upon arriving in
room 666 once again, Johnno was gone. A note had
been left by Mr. Converse himself: “Dear Lou, I think
you can guess what happened here. Ya moron.” Lou
was fuming on the inside but managed to keep his
cool. Lou thought for a long time and realized that the
kidnappers had made a mistake. “They kidnapped the
king to get the treasure. But the only one who knows
where the treasure is is Petie. He was the one who
threw it on land. Only Petie knows where it is. But
the kidnappers will never believe us!” Lou brought up
some interesting points that seemed to be true.
Suddenly, Johnno ran into the room. “Guys we have
to get out quickly! They’re coming to get me again!”
Everyone hopped aboard Satan and they flew out of
the hotel room (sound similar?) before Mr. Converse
and Mr. Conversehelper could find them. They immediately flew to an undisclosed restuarant and grabbed
a private booth in the back. Johnno said he had a lot
of explaining to do. “Okay, listen up guys. I was able
to escape by faking my unconsciousness. Here’s what
I know for a fact. Mr. Converse and Mr.
Conversehelper are one and the same person. That’s
why they ‘both’ had root canals. And guess who Mr.
Converse really is?” Satan guessed Kent Hrbek, Lou
guessed Mr. Richter, and everyone else was clueless.
“No guys. It’s Justice McCloud!!!” Lou slapped himself in the face. This explained the “Antarctica rules”
shirt— the Annual Extraordinary Groups and Peoples’
Lives Draft, in which McCloud had the No.1 pick,
had been held in Antarctica. It also explained some of
the long answering machine message: the draft pick
thing for one, and two, the adolescent football playing
days were a clear precedent to McCloud’s NFL days
with the Des Moines People. But was Justice up to all
of this because he wanted revenge on Wang Wang for
his football season antics or because he wanted the
group’s treasure? Lou needed to get to the bottom of
this and get Justice, no pun intended. Satan stepped
up and said he would act as a decoy since he and
Justice used to kind of be sort of somewhat friends
and in business together. Satan’s decoy plan to find
Justice was...
to go to Topeka, Kansas, the home of the
Geraldo Rivera show. As we remember from earlier,
Geraldo was the number one pick in the Annual
Extraordinary Groups and Peoples’ Lives Draft. One
large reason for this was that Justice McCloud has
always wanted to be a talk show sidekick. Therefore it
would be easy to find Justice if they would go to
Topeka, Kansas, and this they did. To get into the
show, they got tickets much like everyone else and
they were lucky enough to get front row seats. As
they took their seats, they realized there was no one
else there. This was because they arrived eight hours
before the taping began. All the other Geraldo fans
were in the parking lot tailgating. As they waited they
decided to play strip poker. Soon Lou was completely
naked. At about this point the crowd started to file in
and in came Geraldo and Justice. Geraldo was about
to mention the topic of the day’s show when Justice
yelled out “Ah ha! There they are! Just as I suspected!” Geraldo rolled his eyes and said “Good lord, not
again. I swear, getting drafted was the worst thing that
ever happened to me.” You see, Justice has just used
Gerald’s show for the immense publicity he gets.
Geraldo, obviously, has the highest ratings of any TV
show anywhere, anytime in history. That made this a
very good pick for Justice, if he just wanted the publicity. This was the top of the line for Justice, however. If he wanted publicity, he certainly got it this time.
He has kidnapped world hero Wang Wang and three
of his friends. Justice announced what he had done at
this point. The crowd stood up, threw assorted vegetables at Justice and hurled obscenities his way on their
way out. Justice was dumbfounded. How could this
have backfired? He kidnapped one of the most popular people in the world. Justice believed that doing
this would give him terrific fame. He was way off.
Everyone hated him. Now Lou and the gang has
Justice just where they wanted. The only problem was
that Lou was still naked. At this point, Lou put on his
clothes and took some aspirin because he had a horrible headache. The aspirin didn’t seem to do anything,
however. The headache persisted. Nothing could be
done to solve this mystery, so he
decided to lay down and take a nap. Justice took
advantage of this opportunity and ran away. On his
way out he dropped a note for Lou. The note said...
“Hope your headache goes away.” Lou
thought the note was very sweet. Suddenly, Lou had
amnesia. He didn’t know his name or where he was.
Geraldo was standing innocently there, but all of the
sudden, he was wrenched away and dragged out of
the room because Justice had him tied to a 50-foot
leash at all times. Everyone waved bye to Geraldo.
Everyone shrugged their shoulders and looked back at
Lou, whose headache had evidently been serious. Rue
suggested they slap Lou incredibly hard in the head to
cure his amnesia. No one volunteered. However,
Frank Chance volunteered to slap Lou incredibly hard
in the ass. But no one thought this was a good idea. In
fact, Satan hated it so much, he decapitated Frank
Chance right then and there. He fed Frank’s head to
the group of ducks who had meandered into the studio. The ducks were led by a particularly large duck
carrying a treasure chest, and the other ducks were all
carrying various jewels in their webbed feet.
Everyone realized that the ducks were making off
with their treasure of endless riches, but everyone was
too consumed in a game of Blackjack to care. Johnno
was a ruthless dealer. A few minutes later, the water in
the pressure in the studio was building up to an
unbearable percentage. The installed fire hydrant suddenly burst out of the wall and clonked Lou in the
head. Lou woke up and was back to normal.
However, the studio was flooding. The ducks came
back for a swim. Everyone was swimming fine, so
even though there was no lifeguard on duty, things
were A-okay. That is until the studio octopus came
swimming out looking for prey. He snatched Sloppy
Pete pretty quickly and tore off his limbs off one by
one. Satan then thought it would be wise to fly the
hell out of the insane studio. So, the quintet got out of
the studio, but not before losing Frank Chance,
Sloppy Pete, and the Great Alaskan Jewel Treasue. By
this time, Wang Wang had been missing for so long
that England named its new king, Ali Alouhopalou.
He was a former street vendor in New York City who
happened to have a very royalty-like-sounding name.
As you know, he made the greatest hot dogs and other
assorted dirty foods in the continental United States.
Then Ubitsius suggested that Justice was going to be
impossible to find, and it would be easier if they just
waited for Justice to come to them out of boredom.
Having Wang Wang, Petie, Madeline, Mathilde, and
Geraldo kidnapped couldn’t be that much fun after a
while. Eventually, Justice would just give them up.
Lou, Rue, Satan, and Johnno agreed. Ubitsius found
this to be great, and the quintet decided to take a road
trip across Kansas by foot. As everyone knows,
Kansas is the most exciting place in the world to drive
through, so walking through it would be that much
better. Meanwhile, Justice...
was back at his home watching a thrilling
episode of E!’s “Wild On” series with Tommy
Lasorda. This week the “Wild On” crew was heading
towards the Middle East for “Wild On the Taliban.”
Unfortunately, when they got there, they realized the
Taliban had been blown to shit so there was nothing
there. The Taliban didn’t really know how to govern
for shit, but word on the street was that they threw
some mad parties. As this was going on, their
hostages were caged up behind the couch. Justice
decided because of the fact that they had been kidnapped by him, perhaps Justice should do something
to punish them. He and Lasorda turned on Lifetime,
and the two of them went outside to play a little one
on one red rover. After Lasorda destroyed Justice,
they decided to have a paper airplane flying contest.
Back in the trek across Kansas, the group was having
a blast taking in the sites of rural America. Ubitsius
looked to his left and surprisingly saw a farm. This
called for a picture. Luckily, at this exact same time
Farmer Joe Cowporkowski was walking by and Rue
asked Farmer Joe Cowporkowski if he would take
their picture for them. Farmer Joe Cowporkowski
gladly obliged. They lined up and as soon as Farmer
Joe Cowporkowski clicked the thingy on the camera
to take the picture, a piece of paper flew and whacked
Rue’s ear off. Rue screamed in pain and then uttered,
“Dammit, not again.” This confused Johnno, however.
Rue seemed to have his other ear. He had known Rue
as long as he existed. He never remembered Rue losing an ear and he called Rue out on this. Rue
explained to Johnno, “You just don’t want to know.
Let’s leave it at that, okay?” This answer was satisfactory for Johnno. At just this time, Geraldo came by to
pick up the paper. It ends up that it was actually a
paper airplane, thrown by Tommy Lasorda. See, if I
would have mentioned originally that it was a paper
airplane instead of simply saying it was paper, it
would have just given what happened away. By having the delay in explaining that it was actually a paper
airplane instead of simply paper, it added slightly to
the suspense of the story. I know most of you were
thinking that it was another letter from God, because
normally when paper arrives out of no where, that is
the reason. However, that is not the case this time. As
I mentioned, it was actally a paper airplane thrown by
Tommy Lasorda and Geraldo came by to pick up the
airplane. Geraldo, as he showed earlier on the set, was
less than thrilled by the fact that he always had to be
with Justice. He was willing to help Ubitsius, Lou,
Rue, Satan, and Johnno overthrow Justice so he could
get his freedom back and everyone else could get
their friends back. That plan sounded beyond outstanding to the five men trying to get their friends
back. Geraldo explained that it wouldn’t be easy,
however. You see, there was something special about
Justice. The thing that would complicate their chances
at a potential victory was...
the fact that Justice was in cahoots with
Tommy Lasorda. More importantly, Lasorda can literally smell when things are going wrong. Unlike the
Indian from the Village People, Lasorda had an
uncanny olfactory system. If the quintet were to get
anywhere near Lasorda, Justice, and the hostages,
Lasorda would point this out, and they would run.
Actually, just as Geraldo was explaining this, Lasorda
was sniffing around. The two groups were only 50
feet away, since Geraldo’s leash was exactly that
long! Lasorda warned Justice that something smelled
fishy, and they immediately began to run, all four
caged-up hostages in hand. Geraldo was once again
dragged into a bloody pulp along the highway. The
bad guys faded into the sunset along the highway. It
turned out that Justice’s couch and TV had been in the
middle of a random wheat field. In order to save energy, Ubitsius suggested that the group not run after
Justice McCloud and company, but rather continue
their excellent road trip. He said once again that
Justice would eventually get bored with the hostages.
Everyone again agreed. Then everyone suddenly
everyone realized that Rue had no means of hearing
since he had no ears left. So, he did some sign language to Lou. Lou translated: “Rue says that he
knows how to make an umbrella that will be disguised as an underaged elephant. The elephant, which
is really an umbrella, will go around begging for
peanuts since his homeland has been taken over by
elevators from the Iranian judicial system.” Rue then
proceeded to kick Lou in the balls. He turned to Satan
and did some sign language to him.“Rue says Lou
can’t read sign language worth dick. Rue really says
that without the ability to hear, he is missing out on
the most important part of this road trip— hearing the
wonderful and diverse sounds of Kansas. He says he
wants to go to a hospital to get an ear transplant.” Rue
thanked Satan for his accurate translation. So, everyone decided that they should walk to the closest hospital. But if you have ever been in Kansas, you can
probably guess that the nearest hospital wasn’t in
walking distance. So, the group decided to do some
hitchhiking...
Ubitsius said he could handle this. He pulled
down his pants as if he were about to piss. Rue commented that of all the gross things he has seen, this
would be the most. Ubitsius falsely claimed that he
did not like to boast. They were quite lucky because
soon stopped a car. It was their good friend Farmer
Joe Cowporkowski looking for a bar. Farmer Joe
Cowporkowski told the group to hop on in. Ubitsius
told his friends he knew that he would win. Sitting in
the front seat was Farmer Joe Cowporkowski’s hunting dog Potstrils. Satan said he couldn’t believe the
dog’s huge nostrils. Farmer Joe Cowporkowski said
Postrils’ sense of smell was quite keen. It wouldn’t
hurt to have him eat more, because he was quite lean.
Soon Rue spoke up to say the hospital was the other
way. Farmer Joe Cowporkowski said to go there they
would have to pay. Lou offered to pay with a diamond
ring he had in his pocket. Johnno offered to pay with
a solid gold locket. This
was terrific for Farmer Joe Cowporkowski. With the
money he’d get from the ring and locket he could go
to Colorado to ski. They headed over to the hospital at
a rapid pace. As they drove, Lou made a funny face.
Before they knew it, they had entered the emergency
room. After sitting for five
minutes, they heard a large boom. They went outside
to see what it was. It was just lightning; that’s what
lightning does. They went back inside to wait for the
doctor to fix Rue’s ear. The chair Johnno sat on had a
nail and it pierced into his rear. Johnno immediately
let out a loud yelp. Now
Rue and Johnno both needed help. After 12 hours, the
doctors finally called for Rue. They solemnly
explained they knew not what to do. To another hospital is where Rue must go. Rue asked the doctor to
take his dick in his mouth and then blow. Before
another half a day Johnno’s name was called. When
the doctors heard what happened they laughed until
they bawled. This hospital didn’t work out so well. As
far as the group was concerned, they could go to Hell.
Satan reconsidered because Hell is where he was
from. Then he began to laugh as he thought again
about Johnno’s bum. At this point, Farmer Joe
Cowporkowski went to the beach to try to get a tan. It
was time for the group to try to get a new plan. They
couldn’t think of a plan sure to go off without a hitch.
Plan making was Wang Wang’s department; they
needed that bitch. After hours of thinking, they finally
decided to just take the bus. When the bus arrived and
Johnno sat down the pain caused him to cuss. Ubitsius
soon became jealous of the bus driver. He thought
he’d be better off being a deep sea diver. Ubitsius
kicked his ass in a fit of jealous rage. He wrapped him
up and threw him in a cage. Ubitsius drove to the hospital as fast as shit. He almost drove the bus into a
fiery pit. As they entered the hospital they noticed
something weird. All of the doctors had a long beard.
Well, a beard isn’t something bad for a man. It just so
happens that Rue wasn’t a fan. To get an ear transplant is all Rue was wanting. It didn’t appear to be a
task quite so daunting. Johnno still couldn’t sit down.
The pain in his ass continued to cause him to frown.
Before long the doctors were ready to work on Rue.
They worked fast and the time just flew. After much
longer it was Johnno’s turn. By this time his ass started to burn. The doctors tried hard to fix his sore ass.
However, alas, it was a test they could not pass. Now
Rue was all fine but Johnno was not. The only thing
that could please him now was to smoke lots of pot.
This, however, could not go on too long. Johnno tried
to make everything into a bong. Now it was time for
Johnno to quit. His last blunt he has already lit.
Finally Satan had a plan. The plan was not to call the
Ku Klux Klan. The plan was...
to go to a Hooter’s. The five guys hadn’t seen
any chicks in a while since Mathilde and Madeline
had been kidnapped. Lou suggested that they just go
find Justice and reclaim everyone instead of going to
a Hooter’s. But Ubitsius quickly hushed him up by
duct-taping Lou’s mouth. There was something very
peculiar about Ubitsius. Every time they had had a
chance to chase down Justice or someone mentioned
doing that, Ubitsius totally avoided it and was now
even getting violent. No one knew what was up, but
everyone just went along with him because they either
just didn’t care or, if you were Johnno, you were really high. So they were going to go to a Hooters until
they realized they were in a No-Hooters zone. Try as
they might, the group couldn’t get out of the NoHooters zone. They went north to where they were
before (Kansas), they went east (Arkansas), and they
went west (New Mexico). But they didn’t dare go
south. That was a No-Life zone, also known as Texas.
So, they were in Oklahoma. Somehow, they had gotten out of Kansas. Everyone wanted to revolt because
they missed the incredible wonder that was Kansas,
but no one knew who to revolt against. So instead, the
group wrote a poem. But everytime anyone suggested
a line to add to the poem, Ubitsius would verbally
abuse them and write down his own ideas. In the end,
the poem was about nothing except a lonely couch
who longed for another couch to trust him. Ubitsius
was very happy with the end result, but when he read
aloud the final version, everyone else was just sick of
him and had gotten high with Johnno. Enraged,
Ubitsius summoned a bus to randomly appear and he
forced everyone to get in. Ubitsius wanted to take
another road trip. But then the bus wouldn’t start. It
had no gas. So Ubitsius went to the next town to fill
up his trusty red carton with gas. But the “next” town
just didn’t happen. He went 10 miles and saw nothing. He decided to go another 10. Then he went 10
more. Still nothing. Ubitsius decided to walk 10 more
and then take a break. So he did. Then, he started
walking again, and went 10 more miles. Finally, he
saw a sign that said the next town, Wagahoo, was10
more miles down the road. But Ubitsius would have
no more of this. He turned around and went back to
the bus, still with no gas. Ubitsius decided he would
push the bus over a cliff and kill everyone. But then
he realized that everyone was high, so he could just
go off them. But when he got into the bus, everyone
was gone. The obsessive psychopath that is Ubitsius
was suddenly hungry. He decided to drive the bus to
the next town and get something to eat. But the bus
still had no gas. Ubitsius elected to walk the other
way this time, and this time in search of food. He
went 10 miles and saw nothing. He decided to go
another 10. Then he went 10 more. Still nothing.
Ubitsius decided to walk 10 more and then take a
break. So he did. Then, he started walking again, and
went 10 more miles. Finally, he saw a sign that said
the next town, Zordacai, was10 more miles down the
road. This time, he kept going. But the only thing
Zordacai could offer him was a gas station. There was
no food. Ubistius cursed himself. However, he filled
his red carton with gas and walked 60 miles back to
the bus. But he found that the bus was gone. What to
do? Drink the gas? This seemed logical enough. But,
he didn’t. He decided to walk 60 more miles to
Wagahoo in hopes of getting some food. After making
it the first 30 miles, Ubitsius realized that the sun was
going down, and he would have to camp for the night.
The clouds were beginning to fade to gray, and the
sky was embellished with an array of pastel-colors
ranging from pink, pumpkin, and apple to chartruse
and seven. Ubitsius, appreciating the beauty and
silence of the moment, noticed that the wind was suddenly picking up. Four tumbleweeds rapidly smacked
him in the face, and the now whirling sand almost
blinded him. A faint noise in the distance soon grew
to a thunderous roar, kind of like lightning, and
Ubitsius removed his arm from his face and squinted
to see just beneath the purplish fading sky was nothing but his very own bus. It was coming like a rampant tornado, destined to punish Ubitsius with its
nervous, ricocheting, repeating, awful sounds. The
bus represented everything Ubitsius had hated about
that day— his sense of loss, his sense of helplessness,
his loss of control of everything in his life. Yet the bus
roared on, charging toward him, threatening to crush
his very core, his very soul. And then the horror of it
all turned to crude humor as Lue, Rue, Johnno, and
Satan drove by at a steady pace yelling, “Dude! It’s
the guy... hehehe... the dude we the bus from stole
him... Dude we know that guy, what is that dude’s...
hehe... name...” and their voices faded into the distance. Ubitsius was all alone on the Oklahoma highway with only a red carton of gasoline. He knew that
the only thing he could do for now would be to...
try to find a way to get Lou, Rue, Johnno, and
Satan back so he could get on the bus. Ubitsius sadly
realized that he wasn’t one of them. There was something different about all of them that he did not share.
The problem, Ubitsius decided, was that Ubitsius was
the only one of the four that was not high, and unfortunately, Ubitsius did not have any weed. He did however have a bucket o’ gasoline. Now, earlier Ubitsius
had mentioned drinking his gas. At this point Ubitsius
decided that wasn’t such a great idea. That might be
too dangerous, and if he were to do that, he just may
die. If he were to just sniff the gasoline, he could get
high off of that, but that didn’t seem quite as bad as
drinking it. So, Ubitsius sat there and sniffed the hell
outta his gasoline. Before too long he began to feel its
effects. The plan didn’t go entirely to plan, however,
because the rest of the group wasn’t arriving.
Interestingly, Ubitsius was thinking more clearly now
than before as he realized that simply fucking himself
up wouldn’t do the trick. They had no way of knowing if he was fucked up. What he had to do was figure
out where they’d be. Ubitsius thought about what he
would want if he was high. He got it! He had been
walking to find some food. He was going in that
direction as was the bus. It all made too much sense.
His buddies got stoned and now they have the
munchies. It was time to put Ubitsius’s plan to test.
He got back up and tried to find the town in the middle of the night. He figured he must still have 30
miles to go so off he went. Soon, Ubitsius had
thought he had walked at least 40 miles, but there was
no food in sight. Ubitsius got upset and passed out
from a combination of being tired and the gas. When
Ubitsius awoke, the sun was just beginning to rise.
This is when Ubitsius realized why he didn’t run into
the store where he was planning on getting food. He
went the wrong fucking way. Ubitsius, Ubitsius,
Ubitsius. How could he keep this a secret from the
world? He was a famous bus driver, yet he managed
to get lost on the highway. This is something he
would have to hide forever and take with him to the
grave. He got up and turned around to where he had
come from. Unfortunately for Ubitsius, now he had to
go a full 70 miles. This would take him at least an
hour and a half. Finally he arrived at the store in
Wagahoo, but the bus was nowhere to be seen. He
went in the store and asked the employee if he had
seen four guys that were completely stoned. He pointed to the back corner of the store and said “There’s
those four guys back there. They’ve been staring at
our bikini models calendar, chuckling to themselves,
and eating Crunch ‘N Munch for the last 16 hours.”
Ubitsius thanked the man and went back to his stupid
buddies. He approached them and said “Hey fellas.
What are you up to?” He got no response. He tried
something else. “Where is my bus, shitfucks?” Again,
nothing. Ubitsius had enough. He kicked Johnno in
his still injured ass and sure enough, that got his attention. “Dude, what...?” He then looked at his buds.
“Hey guys. It’s that dude.” They all looked at Ubitsius
and simultaneously said “Dude? Dude! Hey! Dude!”
Ubitsius rolled his eyes. As he was rolling his eyes, he
accidentally looked out the window and saw the bus!
He looked back at his old friends and said “Umm,
yeah, that was cool, but I gotta run.” Ubitsius ran to
the bus and took off. In the meantime...
Johnno, Satan, Rue, and Lou noticed that
Ubitsius had left a strange red container in the store.
Meanwhile, Ubitsius was struggling with the bus’
gears when he realized that the bus was out of gas
again. Johnno, Satan, Rue, and Lou must have been
driving it all over that damned Oklahoma highway.
However, Ubitsius was on top of things this time
since he still had his red container full of gas. But oh
no! Where was it? Oh, he had left it in the store.
Ubitsius went back in and found his buddies. “That
red container is mine. I’ll be taking that now.” And so
Johnno handed it over. Ubitsius realized that the container felt extremely light. He also noticed that Lou’s
mouth was black and sealed shut with some dark
sticky substance. Ubitsius at this point exploded.
Literally. He had been through so many frustrations in
the past two days— trying to cope with his psychotic
dementia but to no avail, walking over 100 miles basically for nothing, losing his bus repeated times, etc.
So, when Ubitsius realized he was going to have to
walk 40 miles back to Zordecai to get more gas and
then 40 miles back again to Wagahoo to put the gas in
the bus, he exploded right then and there. This was a
wake up call to Johnno, Rue, and Satan. Now that
they were getting over their weed highness and they
didn’t have to deal with the communistic leader
Ubitsius, they could go look for Wang Wang,
Madeline, Petie, and Mathilde, and punish Justice
McCloud and Tommy Lasorda. However, Lou wasn’t
quite up to that yet. He had just drank a helluva lot of
gas. But Satan, being the quick thinker that he was,
dragged Lou out to the abandoned bus. Satan told
Johnno to get a bucket and a knife and for Rue to get
a funnel and a hose. Satan told Johnno to cut a hole in
the bottom of the bucket. So he did. Satan told Rue to
put the funnel under the bucket’s hole and to insert
the funnel in the hose, and to insert the other end of
the hose into the bus’s gas entry holder container
filler-up hole thing. So he did. Then Satan went
Heimlich Maneuver on Lou and Lou puked up all the
gas— right into the bucket with the hole in it, which
filtered through the funnel and then into the hose,
which led all of the gas right into the bus. So complex, yet so simple. Now, they had transportation! But
where to go? No one knew. But Satan offered to drive
the first leg. It was time to reclaim their buddies!
Satan, Lou, Johnno, and Rue, after an uneventful first
day of aimless driving, decided to stop at...
the middle of a big dirty corn field because
that’s the only thing they could find. Satan picked up
an ear of corn and stuck it up Lou’s ass, just for shits
and giggles. Lou thought this was funny, and he
laughed too. This told everyone else that it was okay
to laugh, so they joined in on the laughs. Afterall, life
is funny. If sometimes you can’t laugh at your own
misfortune, well, then shit. I just don’t know how you
live with yourself. Also, if you can’t laugh when you
put a big pile of crap on a piece of paper, then you
have the same problem. And if you can’t laugh when
you have
a shitload of pages of crap put together and a huge
long story with seemingly no plot, and in this huge
long story the protagonist disappears seemingly forever and for no apparent reason, and you really have no
idea when he will return then maybe you should
resort to being a goat farmer in
northern Idaho. Anyway, the story continues. After
Satan got the bus back all revved up, he saw four people walking together in the distance. They would take
a few awkward looking steps, and then someone
would fall over. Then that person would get up with
the help of that person’s friends and then the process
would be repeated. Soon Satan was bearing down on
the friendly frantically fighting foursome. As they got
very close, they realized that one of the members of
the foursome was not a person at all, but instead a
giant raccoon. Okay, if by now you haven’t figured
out who
the foursome was, you are dumb. Obviously the raccoon was Petie and Petie was getting quite frightened.
We all know what happened last time a vehicle came
barrelling down at him. Yes, he got ran over and
almost was killed until he was shot in the genitals and
was killed. Satan was having a contest with Johnno.
In this contest, he got a point for every person he hit
with his bus. A raccoon gave him 5 bonus points.
Come on dumbasses. You know Satan pretty damn
well at this point. He wouldn’t want to succeed at a
game like this. He had 0 points and wasn’t about to
pick up the 5
bonus points... on purpose anyway. He approached the
futile foursome and...
realized that the narrator who had just been
speaking is an idiot. Because it isn’t obvious who the
four beings are. If it were obvious, there would have
been seven beings: Justice McCloud, Tommy
Lasorda, Geraldo, Wang Wang, Madeline, Petie, and
Mathilde. But there were only four: Petie, Wang
Wang, Madeline, and Mathilde!!! Everyone got out of
the bus and hugged their long lost buddies. And there
was much rejoicing. Yay. Wang Wang said that they
(all seven of them) had gone to a heavy metal concert
last night. “The band was called Homemade
Buttermilk. They were an Amish heavy metal band.
They were pretty unique— they came out with their
long ass beards and traditional clothing, but they were
hardcore dudes and they rocked the house. Anyway,
halfway through the concert, there was a mosh pit
forming. We tried to break away from Tommy and
Justice in the crowd, but it was no use. They had all
of us tied by that damn leash, just like Geraldo.
Anyway, the crowd started to get really rowdy, and
Geraldo got stomped to death. Then, this big ass
mammoth came towards the stage and stomped on
twelve people, including Tommy and Justice. Thank
god for that mammoth. Anyway, the band played one
more song, and that was that. It was a great concert,
not only because of the music, but also because
Tommy and Justice got killed by the mammoth. So
we have been wandering along the highway all day
looking for you guys. Where is Ubitsius?” Lou told
that really long story, and finally, everyone was
caught up. Rue spoke up and asked what really killed
Tommy and Justice at the concert. Wang Wang said
again that it was a woolly mammoth, but Rue laughed
and didn’t believe him. “I swear to God, Rue. It was a
woolly mammoth. Okay, okay, it might have been an
elephant with a shitload of hair. But I think it was
mammoth.” Rue sighed. “Listen, I don’t have anything against mammoths, but they’re extinct.”
Everyone realized then that Rue was very prejudiced
against mammoths. Just because he hadn’t seen any in
his life, did that give him the right to believe that they
didn’t exist? Everyone shrugged off Rue’s ignorance.
Then, they all saw a happy mailman walking down
the highway. This was weird. “Why are you so happy,
mailman?” asked Wang Wang. “Because I’m from
Nevada.” Wow. It isn’t often that you see a happy
mailman. Wang Wang asked the happy mailman
where they were now. “You guys are in Utah. I’m
delievering this letter by foot to Salt Lake City, but
then i’m going back to Nevada.” Wang Wang suggested that they all go to Nevada, since the first happy
mailman they had have ever seen was from there.
Everyone agreed. So, everyone got back in the bus,
talking up a storm, and realizing how good it was to
be back together. Then, when the gang was 30 miles
out of Las Vegas, Madeline started experiencing stomach pains. They were terrible. She needed to go to a
doctor. Satan wanted to pull over, but everyone yelled
at him to keep going until he got to a hospital. So he
kept driving until they got within Las Vegas city limits. Then Johnno saw a billboard advertisement for a
doctor named Joe Schmo. He was a Gastro-Intestinal
doctor. They decided to go see him. They followed
the signs to the Las Vegas Stomach Hospital and then
they got to the entrance to the parking garage.
Unfortunately, it was an underground hospital, and
when I say underground, I’m talking mantle-like
underground. Satan took the bus all the way down,
600 miles, to the hospital. “Jesus. Why the hell would
you build a hospital down this far?” he asked. Sadly,
the 600-mile trip down had taken three days, and by
now, Madeline had already died. Wang Wang’s love
of his life was gone. Oh well. But apparently,
Madeline’s condition had been contagious, because
now Rue had it. His stomach was turning blue and
dice were starting to come out of his belly in rapid
numbers. They rushed him into the hospital and found
Joe Schmo. “Please help us! One of our friends has
already died, and now dice are coming out of Rue’s
stomach!” The doctor said he knew what was wrong
and that he could help Rue. “By the way, I’m a specialist. Gastro-Intestinal Joe. You can call me G.I.
Joe.” Everyone hurried to the surgery room to save
Rue’s life...
Chapter 20
Viva Las Vegas!
and they made it just in time. Rue’s life would
be saved, but now they had a decision to make. You
see, G.I. Joe was such a great doctor that he could
save Rue’s life yet let him continue to let dice come
out of his stomach with no adverse side effects. How
could they pass this up?! A lifetime supply of dice
that come out of your own body? Can you even imagine the possibilities? Lord knows I can’t. So they
decided together to let Rue continue to give birth to
dice. First off, they wanted to test off their new lucky
dice so they made the 3 day road trip back up to Las
Vegas. They immediately hit up the casino and ran
over to the craps table. They got there and heard that
the Yankees lost. Haha. Mariano Rivera blew it.
That’s funny. Anyway, Wang Wang reached into Rue
and started gaming. Within an hour, with the help of
Rue’s dice and catchy phrases such as “Come on dice,
Daddy needs a new pair of whores,” Wang Wang was
up $500. Rue’s previous health concerns were sure to
earn the gang millions. But wait. There were more
things they could do to earn money. Rue was giving
up dice like there was no tomorrow. What a better
thing to throw on the market than Rue’s Lucky
Stomach Dice. Yes! They didn’t even need anyone to
help manufacturing the dice. They just came out of
Rue. How easy this money would come. And while
they were selling dice and earning billions, they could
hit the craps table even more and make billions trillions. So off to work the group went. They already
had extensive experience in running businesses. They
left the casino and went to a cheap motel down the
road. In the room, they took out a piece of paper and
began to plan out their route to certain financial success. After working for about 20 minutes, Kent Hrbek
entered with a whore. “Whoops! Wrong room. My
mistake fellas,” Hrbek said. About 20 minutes later,
Marv Albert entered with a whore and some vampire
teeth. “Whoops! Wrong room. We were about to get
freaky. No, I mean really, really freaky. Yes, and it
counts!” With that, Marv left and went to another
room. About 20 minutes after that, Steven Spielberg
entered with a whore but quickly left without saying
anything when he noticed his mistake. At this point,
Satan recommended they find a new hotel. After all, if
they were going to get so much money, is it really
necessary that they stay at such a cheap hotel that
obviously gets most of its money by renting out
rooms on an hourly basis for people’s cheap sexual
favors? Nah, not really. With this, they left the hotel.
On the way out Petie grabbed a newspaper and discovered that George Steinbrenner was so upset that
the Yankees did not win a World Series that he bought
Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, Chipper Jones, Jason
Giambi, Mike Piazza, Curt Schilling, Randy Johnson,
and Robb Nen. Surely with these purchases, he
bought the World Series for many years to come. So,
next they hit up one of Las Vegas’s nicer hotels, the
“Five Star, No Dirty Ass Whores Allowed, Only the
Highest Quality Ones Las Vegas Inn,” or the
FSNDAWAOHQOLVI for short. They entered the
hotel and got their room. As they entered, they were
shocked to discover...
an ice cream cafe where their room was supposed to be. It turns out that Room 542 was also a big
hangout spot for celebrities that were in town. To the
right, Patrick Ewing was talking to his new girlfriend
Sacajawea about the Appalahcian Mountains. In the
back corner of the smoking section, Sonny Liston was
telling five of the seven dwarfs about how his choice
of Butter Pecan reminded him of the time he was a
kid who longed to be an astronaut and travel to West
Virginia. The five dwarfs told him he didn’t have to
be an astronaut to go to West Virginia. Then, a bookie
named Tuffy Shiznit was explaining his theory on
how “Everyone either dies from a disease or from a
boating accident.” Wang Wang disagreed and said,
“Well, what about Abraham Lincoln?” Tuffy told
Wang Wang that Lincoln actually died from an incurable disease— he was allergic to bullets in the head.
Wang Wang scratched his own head and tried to baffle
Mr. Shiznit. “All right, all right— what about Julius
Caesar? Don’t tell me he was allergic to stab
wounds.” Tuffy said that no, Caesar was not allergic
to knives. “However, after they stabbed him, Caesar
wouldn’t die, so everyone took him out to the Greek
Sea of Humbledeebop and they were going to drown
him when a swimming kangaroo came over and
knocked over the ship, causing everyone to drown.
Like I said, boating accident.” Wang Wang was going
to say that his own previous deaths as well as Peties’s
and Lou’s had not been from disease or boating acci-
dents, but at this point, he didn’t care. He just wanted
some ice cream. So Wang Wang got some strawberry.
Lou got raspberry with sprinkles, Rue got Oreo flavored chicken ice cream, Johnno took some chocolate
covered carpet snacks, Satan got spicy vanilla, Petie
didn’t get anything, and Mathilde had the daily ice
cream special, the vegetarian banana split. Then, they
all went back down to the front desk and told them
about their room problem. “Does this look like a
Holiday Inn?” said the front desk lady. “No, it doesn’t,” said Wang Wang. “Did I say it did?” “Well, no,
you didn’t. But you see...” Lou butted in at this point
because he was sick of this conversation. Then he saw
an advertisement that God was giving a speech that
night at the hotel. Interesting. Lou asked about purchasing tickets, and the lady told him that they were
sold out. “Ma’am, we really want to see God’s lecture. I mean, we have met him in the past. We really
need to see him.” The lady apologized and said there
was nothing she could do. “I wish I could tell you
some of his shows weren’t sold out. But the fact is,
they’re all sold out. Actually tonight is his only show.
It’s a one stop world tour. And it’s sold out.”
Discouraged, Lou threw one of Rue’s freshly birthed
dice at the lady’s head. But that didn’t solve anything.
She just smiled back. Everyone decided to go sit
down and figure out a way how to see God talk that
night...
As they were sitting on the bench, a letter
dropped from the ceiling, and as usual it was for
Wang Wang, and again as usual it was from God. The
letter read, “Dear Wang Wang, please turn to your
left. Love God.” Wang Wang briefly thought about it.
What could possibly be to his left? Would it be an
assortment of water buffaloes? A transvestide riding a
three legged camel with elephantitis of the tesiticles?
An inebriated hyena? Oil Can Boyd? It was time to
find out. Wang Wang was wrong in all of his guesses.
It was Johnny Appleseed of course. Wang Wang
looked at Johnny Appleseed and Johnny Appleseed
looked at Wang Wang. Wang Wang asked how he was
doing. Johnny Appleseed responded by asking if
Wang Wang and his friends would like to lend him a
hand with a problem he has been having. “Hello
Wang Wang. Could you and your friends possibly
travel with me to France to pick some grapes? You
see, I’ve gotten sick and tired of apples. Apples are
good every now and then, but damn, I have had complete overkill. Plus, every time someone gives me a
gift they give me an apple. They think, ‘I know what
would be funny and unique because no one else
would ever think of it. How about I give Johnny
Appleseed an apple. You see, his last name is
Appleseed so giving him an apple would have conceivable humerous consequences.’ The problem is that
everyone would think that way and everyone would
give me an apple. Then I’d have 80 billion dirty
apples sitting around. What am I supposed to do with
them? You know, I’ve been thinking a good way to
fix this problem would be to officially change my
name to Johnny Blowjob. Haha, yeah... anyway,
would you like to come to France with me?” Wang
Wang was stunned by this long weird story he had
just gotten from Johnny Appleseed. He would go, but
France is a long way away, and this he told Johnny
Appleseed. “Uhh, we’re in Las Vegas dumbass. It
would take us a long ass time to get to France.
Granted, we could just fly on Petie or Satan, but I
think they’re past their flying days. I think it is safe to
say we would go to the grocery store with you, however. They have grapes there.” That idea was impressive and off they went. They jumped back on the bus
and headed over to the grocery store. On the way
they, hit a fork in the road. To the left was the grocery
store. To the right it said there was a vineyard. A vineyard right there in Las Vegas? Now they understood
why the mailman was so happy. They obviously
decided to hang a right. To the right they went and
within fifteen minutes they saw the vineyard. There
were grapes everywhere. They immediately ran to the
grape trees and started taking grapes. After a short
while they had to leave because all the pine needles
were hurting their hands and they needed gloves. So,
they went to get gloves and then they went back to
the vineyard to pick more grapes. Soon Petie heard a
sound from the other side of the mountain. Everyone
was afraid that it was the owner of the vineyard that
was going to shoot them for stealing his grapes. They
all got quiet and became as still as Dan Marino. Soon
they saw three figures coming around the corner. One
of the figures screamed, “There they are! Haha, we
gotcha now losers!” As they came closer it became
apparent that they were...
the woolly mammoth that killed Justice and
Tommy and Geraldo, G.I. Joe, and the happy mailman. They all wanted to go to God’s lecture at the
FSNDAWAOHQOLVI casino/hotel that night too.
They were just pretending to be the owner of the
vineyard. In reality, they had just stuffed the real vineyard owner into his own real mailbox— for real. He’d
be stuck there for a while. So now, they had free reign
over the vineyard for the time being. But then the Las
Vegas chapter of the umbrella mafia came and poked
everyone away. The umbrellas were purple and they
could fly. Then everyone remembered the idea about
making it big in the dice business. Rue was still
pumping them out, at least five per minute. As of
now, all of these precious dice were going to waste.
Then, Petie got jealous and told the three newcomers
to fuck off because they were just there to be part of
their get-rich-quick scheme. The mammoth shyly
walked away and G.I. Joe went back to his underground hospital. But the happy mailman turned violent at this point. So we will call him the violent mailman for the time being. He knew he had wore out his
welcome, but he wasn’t going to leave without doing
something. So he whipped out his big, dirty, long,
hairy sack of stamped letters (still to be delivered) and
whacked Rue over the head. Then the mailman
snatched Wang Wang’s magic electricity death gun
and shot Rue dead. No more get-rich-quick for those
guys. Then, the violent mailman ran off— with Wang
Wang’s gun too. Everyone was pissed, but it was
already 7:30 p.m., and everyone wanted to get back to
hear God speak. Johnny Appleseed said he was going
to stay behind and be Johnny Grape for the next 100
years or so. Satan, to no surprise, really didn’t want to
have any contact with God unless absolutely necessary. So he told everyone that he would take it upon
himself to hunt down and kill the happy yet secretly
violent mailman. So anyways, everyone got back to
the hotel, but they still didn’t have tickets! But then
they saw some disgruntled people walking out! They
were scalping their tickets! But they knew better! The
last time Wang Wang tried to buy scalped tickets, he
ended up being dragged across one-third of Asia
behind a South Dakota cop car! But the temptation to
see God was so strong in Wang Wang that he went
ahead and bought the tickets anyway from Xerox
Sanders and his wife Xylophone Sanders! When they
got to the door, there had been a riot in the hotel and
everyone was yelling and screaming! Everyone was
punching the closest person they could find in the
face! Someone on the third floor pushed a grand
piano over the edge into the lobby, and that killed five
people! Another frustrated hotel guest was in the
process of removing all the pennies from the fountain!
Every single hotel employee had had all of his clothes
stripped off! Even the 42 goats from the hotel’s petting zoo had been let loose, and they were running
around aimlessly! The hotel was at best a war zone,
and Wang Wang, Lou, Petie, and Mathilde were in
awe! What had gone wrong! Even though that last
sentence should have ended with a question mark, I
don’t care because I like exclamation marks! Anyway,
it turns out that God’s lecture had been rescheduled
for the year 3010! Since he was God, a thousand
years wasn’t such a big deal! But to everyone else,
they were mad because now they probably would
never get to hear God speak! In order to calm everyone down, Wang Wang and the gang...
first of all had to do something that would get
everyone’s attention. But what? There was some crazy
shit going down, and they had to beat it all so people
would pay attention to them. Wang Wang first thought
he’d ask Satan to morph into something really big and
scary and yell something frightening like “I am the
Devil! You must all bow before me! God has not
shown up today because he fears me and he knows
that judgment day is today! You are all screwed! Now
before we all die, let’s play an enormous game of
Twister!” Wang Wang turned around to tell Satan to
pull through, but unfortunately, he had forgotten that
Satan didn’t want to attend this meeting. Mathilde got
an idea. She took off all of her clothes and said
“Anyone that wants it, come and get it!” At this point
a 3 foot 7 inch, 470 pound bald man appeared out of
no where and yelled “I’m coming sweet-tits!”
Whoops. Mathilde hadn’t anticipated this. She immediately ran out of the hotel bare assed naked to avoid
the short, fat, bald man. Petie had an idea next. He
thought “Well, shit. I’m a huge raccoon with flying
capabilities. I’ll just fly over everyone even though
my doctor ordered me not to because of my back
complications.” Well, we all know what happens next.
Petie flies over there and a giant anvil falls on his
back. He immediately discovered what his folly was
and slowly limped out of the hotel to the hospital.
Well, now there were just the two brothers, Lou and
Wang Wang. Lou luckily had his camera. A picture
would surely get this whole thing straightened out.
Lou yelled “Cheese!” and took the picture.
Unfortunately, his flash was too powerful. Everyone
was blinded but only for a short moment. This got the
angry mob angrier but now they had a place to direct
their anger. One large muscular man screamed out
“Who the hell took that picture?” Another large muscular man screamed out, “It was that scrawny little
punk over there! Let’s get him!” With that, the large
angry mob all jumped in their respective Big Wheels
and chased after Lou with the obvious goal of killing
him. Now the only one left in the hotel was Wang
Wang. Well, they certainly did get everyone’s attention, but not really in the way they intended. Now
Wang Wang had a problem. Mathilde was getting
chased by some dirty little fat man. Petie was going
back to the hospital. Lou was surely going to be killed
by an angry mob. Wang Wang had lost all of his
friends that accompanied him to the hotel. He sat on
the bench where he sat earlier with his friends and
began to cry. As he sat with his face in his hands
looking at the ground, he noticed the letter from God
from earlier. He picked it up and reread the words.
“Dear Wang Wang, please turn to your left. Love
God.” Wang Wang began to weep a little more wishing he had God with him right now. Over his tears,
Wang Wang heard a voice scolding him. “Dammit
kid. Are you some kind of illiterate little bastard? The
letter says to turn to your left, dumbass.” Wang Wang
lifted his head and turned to his right. The voice
returned and told him to look to his other left. Wang
Wang turned around and saw God. “I’m sorry Wang
Wang,” said God. “I realize that this is my fault and
your friends wouldn’t be lost if I hadn’t canceled the
meeting. However, you must know that there is a logical explanation for this. As you left to come to this
hotel remember that Satan decided not to come? Well
he was still bitter over what happened from the Super
Bowl. He was going to come to the meeting after you
and tie and bind me to a chair. Then he would morph
himself so that he would look like me and then speak
about the glories of Hell. I could not let this pass so I
decided I had to postpone the meeting.” Wang Wang
was confused. He had been hanging out with Satan
for so long. He felt he knew Satan better than this.
Satan couldn’t stoop to these lows, could he? God
could sense what Wang Wang was feeling. “Wang
Wang, I understand completely why you are uncomfortable with this. I know you and Satan are good
friends. To prove to you that I am not lying, I will
bring your friends back to you now.” As those words
were spoken, Petie was sitting in agony in the waiting
room in the hospital, but all of a sudden, he was completely healed. Petie was then sent a message telepathically by God about the perils his friends were facing
and that he must save them. First he went to find
Mathilde because the dirty man was catching up with
her. He attempted to hit the guy with his tail but he
was too short and Petie’s tail wouldn’t go down that
low. Then he had Mathilde jump on his back and he
ran to a cliff. Then he waited for the man to get really
close to them and just as he was about to get them,
Petie flew off and the fat man ran off the cliff, fell,
and died. The two then flew to find Lou. They found
him and realized that they would need a little extra
help to save Lou. They were able to track down the
happy mailman and steal the magic electricity death
gun. They changed the setting from “magic electricity
death” to “magic ferret becomer” and then hurried
back to Lou. Mathilde pointed Wang Wang’s magic
ferret becomer gun at the mob and fired. Immediately
they all became ferrets, and Lou jumped on Petie too
as they flew back to the hotel. Wang Wang saw his
friends return, and there was much rejoicing. “It is
good! They are saved!” he yelled. However, now he
faced a new dilemma. Should be believe God? Should
be believe Satan? He realized that he hadn’t even
heard Satan’s side of the story. The only logical conclusion Wang Wang could reach was that he should
track down Satan and then have the greatest court
case of the history of the world. He would determine
who was telling the truth and who was lying.
Therefore Wang Wang could determine who his real
friend really was. Was it God? Was it Satan? Was it
Steve Balboni? Only time would tell. But now they
must find Satan. Naturally if you are looking for
Satan, the first place you would look would be...
Chapter 21
Jack Haley has Jury Duty
Hell. So, Petie flew down to Hell and picked
up Satan. Wang Wang, Lou, and Mathilde were along
for the ride. Unfortunately, the parking fee was going
to cost $300, and they didn’t have that kind of cash.
Beelzebub shook his head. “Well, I can’t let you exit.
You don’t have your parking dues, plus you can add
another $200 because you parked in an illegal space
while waiting to pick up Satan. You can’t park within
15 feet of a fire hydrant. Dammit. Don’t you know we
have to control fires down here?” Wang Wang was
confused. Wasn’t Hell all about the fire? “Does Hell
have a fire department?” Beelzebub said that yes, it
did. Suddenly, Satan realized he was the leader of
Hell, and that he could get them out of this jam.
“Beelzebub, let us go ya bastard. I am voiding these
parking fines. I am Satan.” Beelzebub shrugged this
off and laughed. “Satan, you are a joke. Walt Disney
rules everything down here. Don’t you know that?
Let’s see what he has to say. You’ll need to make an
appointment.” Jesus. All Wang Wang wanted to do
was pick up his pal and then go figure out what to do
between God and Satan. But now they were stuck in
this air conditioned waiting room, and they had no
hopes of getting out of Hell. Beelzebub went off to
find Walt Disney. After he didn’t return to the room
for two days, everyone decided to go to the beach. It
was nice, although the waves were red. Actually, the
ocean was just a bunch of fire. And the sand was so
hot that you couldn’t walk on it. Anyway, Wang Wang
and the gang just went there because they were bored.
So they all sat on Petie’s back as he hovered over the
fire ocean. Pretty regularly, ocean fire flares came up
and burned Petie in the legs or stomach, and he
jumped severely everytime. He was getting sick of
this, not to mention tired, so they flew back to the
waiting room. Finally, Beelzebub had returned. “Walt
says he can see you on Tuesday. His schedule is pretty
full until then.” “But it’s only Friday!” Wang Wang
complained. Beelzebub shrugged and walked out of
the room. So, they all begged Petie to go back to the
beach. But he refused. So they decided to play a little
game of hide and seek. Lou was “it” first. It didn’t
take him long to tag Mathilde. In fact, no one went
and hid because no one wanted to hide in a bunch of
fire. So they had all just stayed in the air conditioned
waiting room. They moved onto the next game— an
on land version of Marco Polo. They decided to call it
Hernando DeSoto. Whoever was it had to be blindfolded. So Mathilde was blindfolded because she was
“it.” Blindfolded, Mathilde was “it” for the first game
of Hernando DeSoto. So, yeah, she was blindfolded.
Because you know... Mathilde was “it.” She counted
to 412 and then started waving her arms stupidly
around her. “Hernando!” she called. “DeSoto!” they
all answered. It was a hopeless cause. Mathilde was
“it” for over five hours before she finally tagged
someone. But it doesn’t matter who. They just played
Hernando DeSoto for the next few days, until finally
Tuesday arrived. Walt Disney walked in, and the first
thing he said was...
“You know what I hate? I hate it when dirty
people interrupt me when I’m hooking up with my
hot ass secretary. You see, I am a busy man. I have
Hell to run. Do you have any idea how much work it
is to run Hell? I’m working my ass off.” At this point
Satan spoke up and mentioned that yes, in fact he
does know how hard it is to run Hell. Satan was
pissed and then told him to go to Hell. Disney told
him he was a dumbass for obvious reasons. “Okay
fellas,” Disney said. “What the Hell is going on?”
Wang Wang explained the problem. He said that he’d
like to just leave, but dirty Beelzebub told him that he
must pay a dirty parking ticket. Disney was not
pleased. He had to leave his secretary for this? He
was not angry at the rest of the group. He was upset at
Beelzebub because he interrupted him for a money
issue. Disney doesn’t need money. He uses $1000
dollar bills to wipe his ass. He fired Beelzebub and
sent him to Heaven. However, he wasn’t wanted in
Heaven either, so he was sent to purgatory. Disney
apologized to the group for making them wait. He
also offered a special apology to Satan for taking over
his territory. He offered, assuming all goes well in the
trial, that they could be co-rulers of Hell when he
would be available. Anyway, back to Earth they went
and the trial was about to begin. There was one large
problem with the trial, however. Who would the jury
be? Would it be possible to get an impartial jury? I
mean, first of all, the whole idea of jury duty is horrible as it is. A bunch of us have been called to do jury
duty, and let me tell you, that’s just annoying.
Granted, I have never served on a jury, but I just got
something in the mail telling me I will have to and
that’s just annoying. No one wants to do jury duty. At
least those that do jury duty should get more rewards
than the peanuts they’re given. Maybe every person
that does jury duty should get a new car or something
cool like that. But, anyway, how could they find a
good jury? Everyone would already pick a side.
Everyone is for God or Satan. There was only one
person on the planet that could successfully be the
judge and jury for this case and be completely impartial. That person is naturally pro basketball superstar
Jack Haley. So, Haley gave each side two weeks to
get their attorneys together and get a game plan. As a
horrible, clichéd lawyer joke may indicate, all the
good lawyers took on Satan’s side. But the ironic
thing is that this really happened. You see, lawyers
may have a poor reputation, but in this story, which is
completely factual and has no false aspects or even
stretches of the truth, the lawyers took Satan’s side.
Imagine that. Well, God was stumped. Who would
take his side? Seemingly no one. This caused God to
cry and Wang Wang began to cry when God cried. So,
Wang Wang, feeling sad for God took charge. To
begin with, Wang Wang...
went out and tried to find a lawyer, any
lawyer, to represent God. Oh, by the way, when they
flew up to Earth from Hell, they all went to the
Australian Outback— mainly because it’s nice there
and there’s no people there. This way, the courthouse
that was plopped in the middle of the desert wouldn’t
be crowded with reporters everyday. But naturally,
since everyone was gathered in the middle of the
desert, there weren’t many lawyers around. Bad news
for God. But Wang Wang did get in contact with a
talking jackrabbit who said he knew of an Aboriginal
Irishman who once took an accounting class at the
esteemed University of Adelaide. Accounting,
schmaccounting. The guy would make a good lawyer.
The jackrabbit told Wang Wang that the Aboriginal
Irishman would be at Ayers Rock in two hours. Wang
Wang grabbed Petie and rode him like a horse as they
galloped across the countryside to meet up with the
Aboriginal Irishman in time at Ayers Rock. They
made it, and they saw him immediately! “Hey, are
you the Aboriginal Irishman?” asked Wang Wang.
What a stupid question. First of all, if he wasn’t the
Aboriginal Irishman, who the hell else was? There
were about as many people out here in the desert as
there are yak herders in downtown San Diego. Second
of all, the guy was your typical Aboriginal Irishman.
He looked Aboriginal, yet with an Irish taste. Most
likely, it was the guy’s red hair, green hat, four-leaf
clover pattern on his pants, and the war paint on his
face that gave it away. “Eh, that’s me all right. I’m the
only lad in these parts that can skin a man with my
bare hands and then throw him into my pot o’ gold
over by that there rainbow.” Culture clash were the
only words Wang Wang could think of. “What’s your
name?” “O’Reilly,” he responded. “Nice to meet you
O’Reilly,” said Wang Wang. Petie couldn’t understand
him. “What did you say?” asked Petie. The Aboriginal
Irishman replied, “The name’s Really O’Reilly.” Petie
stepped back. “Oh, I never doubted that your name
was really O’Reilly, I just didn’t hear you.” The
Aboriginal Irishman paused, sniffed his shoes, and
then said, “Yeah. I’m Really O’Reilly.” Again, Wang
Wang and Petie defended themselves. “Listen, we
know your name is O’Reilly. We believe you. Stop
saying you’re really O’Reilly.” “But that’s my name.
My name is Really O’Reilly.” With this, Wang Wang
got frustrated. “Yes, we know. Stop saying that.” Petie
agreed. To this, the Aboriginal Irishman replied,
“Why should I stop? My name is Really O’Reilly.”
“Really?” asked Wang Wang, sarcastically. “Yes, it is.
I’m Really O’Reilly.” Wang Wang was about to turn
red and smack this idiot. “Really?” “Yes, that’s my
name, don’t wear it out,” said the Aboriginal
Irishman. “What?” asked Wang Wang. “My name. My
name is Really O’Reilly.” Petie was almost fed up.
“We know! Now come with us O’Reilly. By the way,
what’s your first name?” “My first name is Really.”
Wang Wang and Petie stared at each other.
“Ohhhhhhh!” they both yelled in unison. They finally
got it. Then they laughed, because life is funny. Wang
Wang then said that they needed Really O’Reilly to be
the lawyer to represent God. The Aboriginal Irishman
said that he would be honored. So they all got on
Petie and flew back to the courthouse. So, you had
your witnesses— Wang Wang, Lou, Petie, and
Mathilde. You had the plaintiff, God, and his lawyer,
Really O’Reilly. You had Satan and his batch of world
class lawyers. Then out came Judge/Jury Jack Haley.
Suddenly, he snapped his gavel in half after pounding
it down on the gavel receiver thing. “Court is in ses-
sion!” he yelled. Really O’Reilly called up his first
witness...
“For my first witness I would like to call up
God’s son, Tony Danza.” Johnnie Cochran immediately spoke out against this. “Your honor, this is absurd.
Tony Danza is God’s son? That’s not true. Jesus is
God’s son. Everyone knows that.” Jack Haley, the
expert of religion that he is, easily disputed this claim.
“Johnnie, that’s bunk. See, not all religions believe
that Jesus is God’s son. However, it is a common
belief among all religions that Tony Danza is the son
of God. However, I would like Really’s reasoning for
bringing God’s son to the stand.” Really explained
that he would like to use Tony as a character witness.
He would explain that God is a great being and would
never lie about Satan in this manner, so it must really
be true. This worked for Judge Haley, so Tony Danza
took the stand. The bailiff, Bill Walton, had Tony
Danza take the oath and this trial was underway.
Really O’Reilly began by complimenting Tony Danza
on the show “Who’s the Boss?” and all his other terrific endeavors. Tony said he appreciated it, but he
would like to just get to the point because he’d like to
leave to return to his job of folding towels at the Red
Roof Inn in Boone, Missouri. “OK,” Really said. “We
can all appreciate all you’ve done for the world in the
entertainment business. Could you tell the jury... errrr,
judge, what role your father played in your life?”
Tony took a deep breath and began to speak. “OK. To
be honest, he didn’t do anything. He hooked up with
my mother in the restroom of a White Castle restaurant and then got himself outta there. In fact, this is
the first time I have ever seen him.” Really was
stunned. This wasn’t exactly what he expected to hear.
After all, this was God they were discussing. Well,
maybe this is why you shouldn’t hire someone that
has never seen a courtroom be your lawyer. At this
point, Petie didn’t want to hear anything else from
Tony so he picked him up and threw him in the Indian
Ocean. Really was pretty disturbed by these events
and decided to run for it. So he jumped on the back of
the talking jackrabbit and off they went. What next?
Would they try to track down Really or get a new
lawyer for God? Well, their decision was...
to take a recess. Judge Haley granted them a
recess of four hours. The plaintiff’s side clearly need-
ed to work out a strategy against Satan, or else Satan
was going to walk out of that courtroom a free man.
So Wang Wang, Lou, Petie, Mathilde, and God all
rushed out and went after Really O’Reilly before he
and the jackrabbit got away. After all, Really had
proven himself to be a hard-nosed, in-your-face
lawyer despite his lack of experience. He was a valuable asset to the team; the only problem had been that
Tony Danza was just a plain idiot. So they caught up
with Really and the jackrabbit. Then they all decided
to go out to the only restaurant in the Outback,
Outback Steakhouse. But upon their arrival, there
were no steaks. But the place sure did have a lot of
cheesecake. So, everyone looked at the menu and had
to decide between getting an appetizer of cheesecake,
a full order of cheesecake, or a dessert portion of
cheesecake. It was a tough decision. But they all got
cheesecake of some kind, as you may have surmised.
Instead of talking about the stressful issues at hand,
God decided to have some fun and just do some small
talk. “Good cheesecake, eh?” Everyone nodded their
heads. God frowned. Why was everyone so sad? He
decided to change the subject. “Did you guys see the
Chargers game last week? I love the Chargers.” No
one looked up. “Guess you guys didn’t see the game.
Oh well.” God thought again. What could be wrong
with these guys? “Hey! How about after this we all go
TCBY? My treat!” Lou said quietly that they were at
the only restaurant within a 500 mile radius from
here. God shrugged his shoulders and quietly ate the
rest of his cheesecake. Suddenly, Petie threw his fork
down in disgust. “This cheesecake tastes like lemon.”
Wang Wang tried to turn this horribly negative situation into a positive. “I think we all realized that five
minutes ago, Petie. But don’t worry bud. Lemon is a
great source of Vitamin C. You should keep eating the
rest of your cake.” Petie said that he didn’t want to,
because when he orders cheesecake, he expects
cheesecake, not lemon pie. This was a good point.
Wang Wang conceded. “However, Petie, I’m worried
about your Vitamin C intake. If you refuse to eat that
cake, you should really start on some vitamin supplements.” Petie responded, “First of all, this isn’t cake
because it isn’t cheesecake. It’s lemon pie, therefore
it’s a pie. Second of all, well... I don’t have a second
point.” Everyone laughed, because life is funny.
Everyone also laughed because their cheesecake tasted like shit. Then everyone became concerned for
Petie’s health. “Petie, do you feel all right?” asked
Mathilde in her mothery voice. “I’m fine, I just...”
“Oh, but Petie lad, you need some Vitamin C in ya,”
chimed in Really O’Reilly. Petie was flustered. He
flew over to New Zealand and got a bottle of Vitamin
C tablets just to soothe everyone. Then he flew back,
and everyone was happy. Petie was going to be all
right after all. So, they all went back to the court
house, even though they hadn’t devised a strategy.
Suddenly, Wang Wang realized that he was buddies
with not only God, but Satan too. He might have been
the only one in the world who realized that both of
them were essentially good guys. They just didn’t see
eye to eye. For instance, Satan hates the Chargers. But
that’s beside the point. Wang Wang decided secretly
that he would take the stand and set the record
straight. Then the world would know what he knew in
his heart. Court readjourned and Haley snapped
another gavel in half accordingly. Really O’Reilly
moved on with his case. “Your honor, I...
really want to leave. I jumped on the back of
that talking jackrabbit over there and almost got all
the way to Brisbane and then these fools caught up
with me and dragged me back here. Then I tried to
leave again and they sawed off my leg. Then I tried to
hop off and they gouged my right eye out. Then I just
played dead for a while so they wouldn’t hurt me anymore. At this point, they picked me up and hung me
up on the tree and started beating me like I was a
piñata. One of them was yelling ‘I wonder what goodies are inside!’ Another wanted a bigger bat. Finally,
someone else called my spleen once I was beaten and
broken. Then they proceeded to get in a huge argument over the rules when you use a piñata. One was
claiming that you get to call what’s inside the piñata.
Another claimed that he was full of feces. Another
claimed that the whole idea of ‘calling it’ with a piñata defeats the purpose of a piñata. With a piñata you
break it and then it’s a free for all. That’s really the
fun way to have a piñata. I tend to agree with this
point of view... but that’s really not important.
Anyway, as they were having this discussion, I
plopped down from my location and tried to run
away. Unfortunately I couldn’t run away because I
only had one leg. Also, I couldn’t see at all. You see,
they gouged out one of my eyes, but I am blind in the
eye they did not gouge so as you can see, I cannot
see. Naturally I didn’t get far. After this happened,
they decided that it was time to get back to the trial,
so we came back here. Now I would really like to
leave.” Haley got a disgusted look on his face. “Mr.
O’Reilly, I am quite disappointed. That story is quite
obviously false. Prior to returning, Wang Wang alerted
me that you had been in a vicious bullfighting accident and that you would be okay, although perhaps a
little dilusional. In fact, he told me that you would tell
that exact story. So, I know the truth about your bullfighting accident. I’m glad to hear that you are fine
and that whole thing you have about the blood pouring continuously out of your missing eye is amazing,
but I’m happy that that is natural. Now, if you can
quit telling your dirty lies and just get on with the
trial, that would be great. Who would you like to call
as your next witness?” Really sighed with frustration,
however when he did this, the blood that was dripping
out of his empty eye socket got into his mouth. He
then vomited, sighed again and repeated the process.
Then he got a plan. “Judge Haley, I would like to call
up the talking jackrabbit.” Haley agreed and the talking jackrabbit went up. At this point Bill Walton
spoke up in the direction of Really. “Really O’Reilly,
you are a pathetic human being. You are horrrrrrrrible.” Really shrugged that off and got to the questioning. “Talking jackrabbit, whose story was correct,
mine or Haley’s?” The talking jackrabbit didn’t
respond. “TJ! Answer me dipshit!” The talking
jackrabbit just ate a carrot. “This is horseshit! I am
dying here. I can’t see! What the hell is going on?!”
Well, here’s where the prank went down. Now that
Really couldn’t see, they could mess around with him.
You see, they didn’t put the talking jackrabbit on the
stand at all. It was just a regular non-talking jackrabbit. Haha, silly guys. Anyway, Really was about to
pass out when...
he passed out. With this, Jack Haley decided
to give the defense a chance. Satan dropped his pants
and smacked his ass. Then he said, “Of course I was
going to impersonate God and tell everyone how Hell
rules! I’m sick of sitting in this damn courtroom. I’m
outtie. Peace!” And with that, Satan turned himself
into a shovel and he dug a hole to Hell. Everyone
watched as th hole got deeper, and then everyone
played an echo game where Lou kicked serioues ass.
After a while, the tunnel was so deep, there were no
echoes. Lou got sad. Silence pervaded the room for a
few moments as no one knew what to do now. Even
Jack Haley’s gavel seemed inactive, sad, and yet content in this wonderfully calm moment of tranquility.
Kaboom! Walt Disney careened out of the tunnel up
into the courtroom, smashing against the ceiling, and
then plopping down on the floor next to Jack Haley.
He was mucously wet and also bruised all over. Satan
had had enough of his antics, so he threw Disney out
of Hell. Jack Haley wanted to go home, and he
ordered everyone to cover up the Hell tunnel with
some dirt. God didn’t care much for Jack Haley. He
also didn’t care much for Really O’Reilly or Walt
Disney either. So he turned them all into a big mud
pile and they consequently filled the hole that Satan
had left. No more Hell hole. So the fearsome foursome of Wang Wang, Lou, Petie, and Mathilde had a
courtroom in the middle of Australia all to themselves. But the talking jackrabbit and Bill Walton
decided to revolt. Then it turned out that Bill Walton
and the talking jackrabbit were one and the same.
That’s why Bill Walton always sounds like an idiotic
moron on TV. I mean, he’s just a blabbering talking
jackrabbit seeking some attention. Walton the
Jackrabbit went over and sucker punched Wang Wang
and then he kidnapped Mathilde. But as soon as those
exited the courtroom, the moon fell on them, and
Wang Wang’s group was down to a terrfyingly terrific
thoroughly thick threesome. Wang Wang Lou, and
Petie decided to move to Small Town, U.S.A. and try
to lead normal lives. Then Petie mentioned he was a
talking flying raccoon and that that plan would never
work. Then Wang Wang fell over and laughed until he
could laugh no more. Then he took a break and
laughed some more. Lou joined in. Wang Wang had
fallen down laughing, so Lou sat down on his knees,
and then he laid on his back and also laughed. They
were borth grabbing their stomachs, gasping for air.
Petie was cracking them up. Petie mused this over and
elected to join in on the laughter as well. He laid
down, eyeing what Wang Wang and Lou were doing.
Then he forced some laughs and grabbed his chest
too, even though he wasn’t short of breath. He
grabbed his stomach because it was fun, and because
Wang Wang and Lou were doing it. Then everything
was just so stupid because everyone was copying
Wang Wang’s way of laughing. But this was so funny
that then everyone started laughing for real. Then this
ceased to be funny, but Lou made a funny face, and
then they all laughed again, rolling on the floor. Then
they all just laughed because life is funny. If you can’t
laugh at life, then you shouldn’t be laughing, because
life should be all about laughing, and since laughing
is funny and life is funny, life can be laughter if only
people would be funny and laugh throughout life,
because life is funny. Then they got up and walked to
the nearest town...
Chapter 22
Florida International University
Small Town, Australia. Wang Wang
approached Sheriff Muyanalala and asked if he knew
where their United States affiliate was. “G’day mate!
I am about to bail out to match of aerial ping-pong
with a banana bender. He’s a bludger. We were going
to bodge a counter lunch. Of course I’d pay because
he hasn’t got a brass razoo. The bloke is built like a
brick shit house though. Unfortunately my bunyip that
I was riding is cactus. He was supposed to work today
but he’s going to chuck a sickie. Hey, whaddya say
we get a coldie at the boozer?” The threesome was
confused, but followed him into a bar for more senseless rambling. “Let me hit you with the deadset. The
grub here is dinky-di. It’s nice to have company.
Normally when I’m in here, I drink with the flies. I’ll
be back. I gotta run to the dunny and then have a
durry.” In ten minutes Sheriff Muyanalala was back.
“I’m sorry about the earbashing. Just a little bit more.
Just give a bloke a fair go, eh? Damn this is exy. Fair
fuck of the sav. Hey, give your grog a burl. Maybe I
have too much. I have a gutful of piss. I feel like I
have kangeroos loose in the top paddock. You blokes
aren’t from around here are you? Around this time,
the weather is as dry as as a nun’s nasty. Anyway, I’ve
had a rip snorter of a time meeting you. I’m going to
find a sheila and have a naughty.” Wang Wang sensed
something wrong. “You’re not really the Sheriff, are
you? You can’t really tell us where Small Town,
U.S.A. is, can you?” Wang Wang asked. “You’re no
drongo, that’s for sure. You got me,” Muyanalala said.
Wang Wang then sarcastically thanked Muyanalala.
“No worries,” Muyanalala replied. What next for the
gang you ask? Well, they asked the same and eventually decided to head to the airport and at least get
back to the United States. So they arrived at the airport. As they were waiting in line to get a ticket they
heard a voice over the loudspeaker. “LAST CALL
FOR SMALL TOWN, U.S.A!!! ALL ABOARD!!!”
The group then ran aboard the airplane. Unfortunately
the group had to be separated because there weren’t
three seats together. Each member of the group sat
next to someone that had an interesting story to tell.
The people they sat by and stories they heard go as
follows...
Petie sat next to a flying, talking turtle lady
who was probably actually a terrapin. “I prefer to be
known as a really big turtle, because it would have
given my poor daughter a better chance to win a
scholarship to Florida International University. You
know, terrapins are getting the shaft when it comes to
scholarship opportunities these days. Those god damn
right wing conservatists.” Petie sat silent and listened
intently while a tall, attractive, yet robot looking flight
attendant instructed everyone on how to use his seat
belt. Petie couldn’t figure his out, so he pressed the
“Need Flight Attendant Help” button next to his seat.
But, he accidentally pushed the “Hepatitis B
Emergency Squad Needed” button, and fifteen guys in
full white suits and gas masks came on board and
asked everyone to leave. Whoops. Petie blushed and
didn’t say anything. Everone scurried off the plane
back into Gate 29. The leader of the gas mask
Hepatitis guys soon came out of the plane and gave a
reassuring wave to everyone. “Mmmmmpph
loooooolaaaaa mmmppph!” he said. Everyone yelled
at him to take his mask off, because they couldn’t
understand him. He looked over to his colleagues,
who all gave him the shurgged-shoulders response. So
the leader waved again, and the hepatitis guys all left.
“Fuck,” said the captain. And with that, everyone
decided to get on the plane anyway, Hepatitis B or
not. Soon after take-off, Petie was sweating profusely
and in need of some in-flight snacks. So he walked to
the front of the plane and asked the robotic flight
attendant for some pretzels. She said that unless he
properly fastened his seat belt, that no, he couldn’t
have any. Petie let out a large fart and instantly turned
around. “Gosh, I hate it when people fart in planes.
It’s sick, ya know?” The flight attendant gave him a
weird smile, and then looked over his shoulder. She
pointed directly toward his now vacant seat. “Sit the
fuck down,” she seemed to say. Petie obeyed her
silent wishes, sat down, and messed with his seat belt
again. No use. “Aaaaaaah!” Petie jumped up in an
extreme fashion and held his heart, making sure it was
still beating. It wasn’t! But then it was. Whew. “What
the hell are you wailing about, Ms. Terrapin?” he
asked his airplane neighbor. “I’m a turtle dammit,”
she screamed. Petie uttered something that sounded
like the word “denial,” which prompted the turtle lady
to give him a menacing look. But Petie was a quick
one. “The... the... the NILE... wow it’s my favorite
river. You gotta love the Nile. Who doesn’t?” The turtle, who was really a terrapin, shut Petie up before he
could continue. “Listen, raccoon. I’m crying because
my daughter is missing. After all of our hard work to
prove to Florida International University that we were
turtles [they were really terrapins], she was accepted
and given a full ride. But now, she’s missing. What
am I supposed to do with a full ride to Florida
International when my daughter isn’t even going to
use it?” Petie offered his condolences, but they were
about as much use as putting ketchup over some dog
shit in your living room. Ketchup simply can’t compete with the foul smell of shit, so the room is still
going to smell bad even if you use some old Hunt’s
ketchup. Likewise, Petie’s condolences weren’t doing
the trick either. “Excuse me sir, you need to fasten
your seatbelt, or we’re going to have to ask you to
jump out of the plane.” Petie found this to be funny,
since he can fly, and jumping out of the plane wouldn’t be so bad. But he was quick to hold his tongue. “I
am sorry, Miss Flight Attendant. I just can’t get the
hang of this thing. Could you show me?” He flashed
the flight attendant, whose name was Molly, an obvious wink. Molly responded with an overwhelmingly
fake smile, and then she fastened Petie’s seat belt—
way too tight. But Petie was so afraid that if he tried
to loosen it, there would be another Hepatitis incident,
or possibly something worse. So he just sat there and
took shit from the terrapin again. “Do you know anyone who could use a college scholarship? In my old
age, I couldn’t possibly handle such an endeavor.”
Petie gave this some thought. Meanwhile, back about
ten rows, Lou was chatting with a blossoming businessman named Henry Banana. Henry was a facts
man. He enjoyed spitting out every random statistic or
fact that he could think of, because he liked to try to
impress people. Little did he know that he was annoying the shit out of Lou. But Lou just kept smiling and
responding to Henry’s little tidbits with enthusiasm.
“Did you know that at the turn of the century, if you
had purchased only three shares of stock in Coca
Cola, you’d have enough money right now to buy an
airplane identical to this one?” Lou was stumped.
What was he supposed to say to that? “Why no, I didn’t.” Henry just laughed it off. Henry was fat and he
had a disgustingly thick auburn mustache. If he had
donned some glasses, he probably could have won a
Theodore Roosevelt look-a-like contest, hands down.
He gave Lou another friendly tap on the shoulder and
kept on talking. “I bet you didn’t know this.” Lou
chuckled. He coldn’t wait to hear Henry’s next
enlightening piece of information. “Guatemela, yes,
Guatemala has seven different national post offices all
competing to be the head hancho. But the government
is afraid to give any official sponsorship, because then
there’d be a national monopoly.” Lou was fascinated.
Not only had he never been to Guatemela, but he
couldn’t think of a time in the last seven years when
he had been faced with the monumental decision of
deciding which packaging company to use. “I’ll be
god damned,” Lou offered. Yet Henry continued.
“You know, I never would have known all of these
facts if it weren’t for my alma mater’s library.” Henry
was now rubbing his bare forehead with a white
towel. Jerry Tarkanian, what? “Oh really?” Lou desperately wanted to hear more. “Yep, that’s right. Well,
I hesitate to use the word ‘alma mater,’ because I
never really graduated from there. You see, I had a
scholarship to Florida International University about
ten years ago, but when I got there, I got fucking lazy.
I didn’t want to do four years of work. So I just
camped out at the library for about six weeks and
consumed every bit of information possible. I figured
that would be as good if not better than a diploma.
One time, I read the C encyclopedia book twice in the
same night. I know a hell of a lot about canaries,
hahaha!” Henry was being obnoxiously loud. Lou was
forced to laugh right along. But this time, life wasn’t
funny. “Anywho, I’ve got this full scholarship to this
university that I’ve never used, and I’ve never been
able to give it to anyone!” Hmmmm. Up in the first
class section, Wang Wang was sitting next to no one.
Molly came up to him and asked him if he would like
anything to drink. “Sure, I’d like an orange fruit
punch flavored mango strawberry citrus fruit juice.”
Molly was back in no time, but she wasn’t alone.
Four men dressed in black suits and sunglasses
accompanied her with Wang Wang’s tropical drink,
which came complete with one of those colored
miniature umbrellas that are absolutely useless. One
of the men stepped forward and said, “As a proud
sponsor of Delta Airlines, Florida International
University would like to award you a four-year guaranteed scholarhsip to our distinguished school. You
are the 1,000th person to order such a drink from
Delta Airlines, and you have therefore won our random secret surprise gift.” Wang Wang warmly accepted the scholarship, even though he had no intentions
of going to college. It’s not like you can turn down
such a great gift in front of those people. Finally, the
plane landed. “So how was your flight?” Wang Wang
asked his compadres, as they walked toward baggage
claim. Petie was grinning, and Lou was too. “Don’t
just stand there, talk to me!” Wang Wang demanded.
“I’m going to college!” Petie yelled, flinging his arms
up in the air. Lou looked puzzled. “So am I! To
Florida International University!” They all said
“Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa!” in unison. Everyone around the
baggage claim area gave them a long, meaningful
stare. Wang Wang frowned and pointed to the ceiling.
Everyone looked up but saw nothing of importance.
Tricked them all right. Then Wang Wang held his
stomach again, wheezed, and laughed like a monkey
who is watching a jungle sex act being performed.
Everyone stared at him again. Oh well. Even if no one
else understood that life is funny, Wang Wang did. So,
our boys got their bags and then caught the next subway train to Florida International University. Before
they knew it, they were in line to register for classes...
All three of the guys were fortunate enough to
get into the classes they wanted. Petie got in “How to
be a dictator as a large flying animal,” “Acting:
Pretending to be a helicopter,” “Using mathematics to
determine how to jump over a screw,” and “Sex Ed:
Screwing Satan.” Lou got in “Stage technician acting
lights camera,” “Time travel and sandwich making,”
“Screwing friends as the sole member of Parliament,”
and “Genealogy: The study of crazy ass family trees.”
Wang Wang got in “Drafting and scouting in the
drafting process,” “Telephone usage: A study of using
letters to make calls,” “Creative writing,” and
“Problem solving: Determining solutions to difficult
problems.” After they all got into all those classes,
they determined that celebrating was in order, so they
all went back to their apartment to watch TV. They
turned on ESPN and heard that North Carolina lost to
Florida International in basketball. That was no surprise. North Carolina is horrible. Then they decided to
go out and check out the ladies of Florida
International University. They headed outside and
were disturbed to find that they were all ugly. To
make them more attractive they needed alcohol so
they looked for a party. Unfortunately it was 10:30 on
Wednesday morning and there were no parties. They
decided they might as well go to the bookstore to buy
their books for the semester. As they finally arrived at
the bookstore, they saw a girl looking through the
books. She was the most beautiful girl they had ever
seen. Petie immediately gathered the courage to
approach her. So, Petie walked over there and grabbed
her by the ass. She immediately screamed and slapped
Petie in the face. Petie then explained that he had just
tripped and her ass was there so he grabbed it. She
then understood the mistake and apologized to Petie
for slapping him. Petie then explained that it was okay
because he had actually just lied and he grabbed her
ass because it was so fine. She then was about to slap
him until she realized that it is better that he would
say that than that she had a really ugly ass. So, instead
she just thanked him and grabbed his crotch. She
became curious as she found there was nothing there.
Petie noticed that she was looking at a book entitled
“Pseudo-Helicopters During the Fried Mushroom
Crisis in South East Brazil: How the Crazy Rebel
Unduroos Defeated Military Rule” by Travelle
Insignio. That could mean only one thing: zany mystery erotic woman was in Petie’s helicopter pretending
class! Petie mentioned this and introduced himself.
She introduced herself as Ivanna Duyou. Petie chuckled and they exchanged schedules. Whaddya know?!
They had exactly the same schedule! Petie then asked
if she would like to go back to his apartment. She said
that she wanted to buy her books. Petie then asked if
she wanted to go back to his apartment after that. She
said she had a better idea. She wanted to take Petie
back to her apartment so he could meet all of her
roommates. She gave Petie the option of bringing his
friends. Petie immediately said he’d rather go alone
because he has always dreamed of having a crazy
foursome with three great looking women. Ivanna
told him not to count his chickens before they hatch.
Petie shouted obscenities and then said he would like
to bring his friends with him. So, they all bought their
books and headed to Ivanna’s apartment. They were
all shocked to discover that her apartment...
was a single! Ivanna had no roommates,
rather, she had a place all to her lonesome. Rashly,
Petie was about to scold his bitch for lying to him.
But then he thought that this would be good, because
he’d never have to be fake friendly to one of Ivanna’s
roommates. More than likely, her roommates would
have been biology enthusiasts seeking to split off
parts of Petie’s ear for experiments every time he
came over. But as already said, Ivanna was alone.
Petie needed to think quick, so he could get rid of
Wang Wang and Lou and be alone with this hottie.
“Hey, Wang Wang, don’t you have a test in your
drafting class tomorrow?” Petie hinted. Wang Wang
thought and said that no, he didn’t. Ivanna scolded
Petie. “Silly Petie, classes are only starting tomorrow.
Why would he have a test in there?” Petie decided to
change the subject. “So where are your roommates?”
Ivanna said that her only roommates were three large
ravens with clipped wings. Suddenly, one perched on
Wang Wang’s shoulder, and Lou made a stab at it to
protect his brother, only to be bitten in the ear by the
raven. Maybe Petie’s theory about losing parts of his
ear weren’t so farfetched. Lou then decided to go
study for his time travel and sandwich making class.
Ivanna then broke out a bong and asked if Petie or
Wang Wang would like to smoke some stuff with her.
Petie, in an effort for a drug-free America, asked his
honey if she’d like to form a study group with him.
“No one studies on this campus. I don’t even know
why you bought books for all your classes. You’re
only supposed to go to class on test days.” Petie
shrugged his shoulders and said, “I want to get off to
a good start. I feel like I’ve been given a second
chance in life, and I want to make the most of it.”
Ivanna smiled shyly, as if she were going to dedicate
herself to studying day in and day out, but instead she
shuddered and lit up a joint. When Petie and Wang
Wang again refused to smoke with her, Ivanna offered
her new friends some brownies. “Ah, I love chocolate,” said Wang Wang. Petie did too, and they ate the
chocolate out of the oven tray like it was a damn
trough. Of course, the brownies were rigged, and soon
enough, they were all laughing. So were the ravens.
Need I say what they were laughing about? Life. Yep.
Life. “I have three classes tomorrow, and I’m not
going to any of them!” yelled Wang Wang. That was
funny. Petie cried out, “I’m a flying raccoon. What do
I need college for?” Ivanna joined in, but she just
wasn’t funny when she was high. “I never eat cereal
for breakfast.” And yet, Wang Wang and Lou began to
laugh uncontrollably after almost two minutes of
silence. The ravens began to nervously fly around the
room as if they were trying to sadistically cause a
sandstorm within the apartment. Their efforts weren’t
particularly successful. Meanwhile, Lou was feeling
the effects of college as well. Once in the library, he
began to be heckled by some football jocks, who were
particularly confident today since they had just beaten
Nebraska last week. So they let Lou have it for studying in the library. What they were doing in the library
is not important. Only that they were picking on poor
Lou. One of the linebackers, Big Foot Brigham as
they called him, came over to Lou and threw his book
on the ground. “Man, what are you doing? Trying to
make this a college where everyone has to study?
Come on, now. Just be lazy like us.” Lou wanted to
pick up his damaged book and smash it in Brigham’s
face, but he had a feeling that he couldn’t take on the
entire football team. So he picked up his book, smiled
at Brigham, and left. Lou decided to go back to
Ivanna’s, because the trio needed to set up their apartment tonight. It was going to be fun decorating the
rooms. They were planning on showing off as much
as possible, hanging newspaper articles on every wall
about their adventures— Wang Wang being king of
England, their world famous rock and roll band, etc.
etc. But when Lou got to the apartment, the ravens
had taken over and were perched just in front of the
door to the apartment. As soon as Lou decided to
approach, the ravens nibbled at his feet incessantly.
Lou stole a glance through the windows and saw that
Ivanna, Wang Wang, and Petie were zonked out. Lou
decided that the best way to get in would be to talk to
the ravens, and then make a decision based on his
enlightening conversation with them...
“Hey ravens,” Lou started. “What is going on
my friends?” The ravens did not respond, so Lou tried
more. “You know, you guys had a great defense last
year, although I would not say you were better than
the ‘85 Bears. Congrats with the Super Bowl.” The
ravens still refused to respond. “Edgar Allen Poe, eh?
Wow, he was one crazy fucker, no?” Still nothing.
Lou was perplexed. “Okay guys. I understand you
aren’t so much in a chatty mood right now. That’s
cool. I’ve been there. Anyway, if you could just let me
in the apartment, that would be real nice.” The ravens
did not open the door for him. “So... do you think you
can let me in?” The ravens just weren’t talking.
Unfortunately for Lou, he never took zoology and he
did not know that ravens were incapable of speaking.
He had to get in the apartment to see how his friends
were doing. Luckily for Lou, he still had the “magic
ferret becomer,” so he pointed it at the ravens. Just
before he was about to shoot, he realized that he probably should not turn the ravens into ferrets. Ivanna
really liked the ravens. Who knows if she likes ferrets. Lou briefly contemplated whether Ivanna would
be able to tell the difference between ravens and ferrets, but quickly decided it was a risk he was unwilling to take. No problem however, because Lou could
just change the setting on the gun. He changed the
“ferret” setting to “door” and changed “becomer” to
“opener.” Then, he enabled the back hyperanalization
chamber in the outside vector humidifier ward of the
lower left hand portion of the matter altering automatic iron throttle pistol antigeoholifoglinier. Inside the
underbelly of the intestinal lining fortress of happiness, Lou activated the second setting. He made this
perform the “magic raven paralyze” function. Perfect!
He then pointed the device at the ravens to let it perform its duty. However, by the time he had finished
this task, the ravens got bored and went to play
leapfrog in the park. Lou walked up to the door and
found that it wasn’t even closed, so he walked in. Lou
was a little sad and lonely without his friends to talk
to him, so he tried to wake them up. “Hey buddies!
Wake up! I brought Boggle!” They did not move. “Oh
I see. You’re already playing a game: sleeping friends.
I like that game too. I’ll play.” Lou then layed down
and fell asleep. Soon he woke up and saw his friends
playing Boggle. He wanted to play but they all said
they were getting bored and tired and were about to
take a nap. They then went to sleep and Lou played
Boggle by himself. Lou soon realized that it was boring to play Boggle alone so he went to sleep as well.
Later he was woken up by the sound of his friends
playing Boggle. Lou figured it would be more fun to
play Boggle with his friends than it was to play alone
so he asked if he could join in. They announced that
they were done with Boggle and it was time to find
something new to do. Petie then looked out the window and exclaimed, “Hey! Look outside! It’s raining
cats and dogs!” Everyone looked outside and realized
that it was literally raining cats and dogs. Lou closed
the front door, which was still open, because he was
afraid of Chihuahuas because they looked like large
rats. They became a little alarmed because they had
never seen anything like this. They turned on the television to see if they had anything to say about the
storm. As soon as they turned on the television, they
cut out of their favorite show, Blossom, for an important weather bulletin. “Hello, I am the channel 5
weatherman Joseph July Monday. We have a severe
thunderstorm warning. Outside of the studio right
now we can actually hear the thunder. Actually this
storm is a little unique. It is literally raining cats and
dogs so the thunder is actually most of a loud series
of ‘meows’ and ‘woofs.’ Regardless, a storm like this
is always troubling. These animals tend to cause much
damage to housing not built to withstand storms such
as these. Only those buildings around the area of
Florida International University figure to be built well
enough to handle the beating they will take. I do
strongly suggest you bring your cars to a garage and
fast. Actually it is too late for most of you as I am
sure that most of the community is already screwed.
Anyway, I have received this note from the Humane
Society. With this amazing number of new cats and
dogs that figure to be roaming the streets, they need
your help. The Humane Society is looking for people
to help capture these animals. The Humane Society
will pay one dollar per pound of every animal anyone
is able to bring into their shelter for the foreseeable
future. This figures to be a great project for students
of Florida International University, and in particular
Lou, Wang Wang, Petie, and Ivanna. Thank you very
much for your patience. I am Joseph July Monday,
reporting for channel 5. We now bring you back to
Blossom.” The four college intellectuals were surprised that Joseph July Monday picked on them in
particular, but he had a good point. Perhaps it would
be best to partake in this activity. They devised a plan
until the rain stopped...
They would all go to class. It was Monday,
and the cats and dogs has continued to come down
from the sky since yesterday afternoon. But then Petie
decided not to go to class because he was tired, and
he already knew everything about how to be a dictator
as a large flying animal. Lou also wanted to sleep in,
evidenced by the fact the he smashed his alarm into
37 pieces after the buzzer went off at 11 a.m. Way too
early. Wang Wang, however, the good Samaritan that
he is, decided to go to class. Problem solving:
Determining solutions to difficult problems 101 was a
great class for today (since the cats and dogs). Even
the professor said so. He was an old decrepit man
with a cane, only it wasn’t a cane, it was just a really
bent up old stick. He looked like he belonged in some
era where Greeks and Romans were imposing
extreme poverty on him and also not letting him go to
the local barber shop. Not that they had barber shops
back then or even universities which specifically
trained people to cut hair, but if they did, this man
definitely wouldn’t have taken advantage of those
shops. Or if he had wanted to, he wouldn’t have been
allowed to, because as said before, the Greek or
Roman authorities weren’t allowing him too.
Professor Agapepper also wore your typical old
school toga that was ripped to shreds and you could
see his gray chest hairs all too plainly. His hair on his
head was of course all the way down to the floor and
a good five feet behind him, not unlike a bride’s wedding dress. He pointed his stick over to Wang Wang
and said, “Looks like you’re the only one who signed
up for this class, eh?” Wang Wang let out a long deep
breath. “I guess so. What do you think about the cats
and dogs?” Professor Agapepper stroked his long
white beard as about 357 hairs came out. “Well, cats
and dogs are good. Cats have a great knack for meowing, and dogs, well they’re just good friends to everyone. Never hurt a soul. But the problem comes in with
cats and dogs when you start mixing them with those
god damn liberal radicals.” Wang Wang wanted to
point outside and mention that cats and dogs were
actually falling from the sky, but Professor Agapepper
was in another world. In fact, Wang Wang wanted to
drop the class on the spot right there, but then he
would only have 9 hours, not be a full time student,
and lose his scholarship. At any rate, he was upset,
because he thought this class would help him figure
out what to do about the cats and dogs. But Professor
Agapepper hounded Wang Wang like he was a criminal with constant philosophical questions and hard
breathing right into Wang Wang’s face. “Sonny, are
you a liberal radical? How did you react when
Aristotle invented the steering wheel? Aristotle was
my brother in law you know. Yep, a fine piece of
machinery he was. I once was a machine too. A conservative one of course. But then this cane came along
and beat me to a pulp and forced me to be its slave.
But then Mickey Mantle came along and showed me
how to get control over my stick. I tried out for the
major leagues, but this thing makes for a shitty bat.
Warren Spahn is overrated. Speaking of which, what
are views on global water scarcity in relation to penguin geohydrobiochematology in economics?” Wang
Wang rolled his eyes back at this stupid question. As
if anyone thought that the penguin geohydrobiochematology sector was worth wasting millions of
dollars on. No one invests in that shit. Everyone
knows the penguins are fucking conservative right
wing radicals that won’t open up their own ass wholes
to spend another dime on research and devlopment.
But Professor Agapepper was a hardcore Republican,
so Wang Wang just said, “Yeah. I think they have a
lot of potential once consumers begin to open up markets and invest in them.” Professor Agapepper flashed
a smile, exposing no teeth whatsoever. But on second
look, he did have two, they were just mustard colored
and had beetles all over them. He gave Wang Wang a
hearty slap on the back and then said, “Class dismissed.” Wang Wang rushed out the door and back to
his, Lou, and Petie’s apartment. Although cats and
dogs were everywhere, at least no more were coming
down from the sky. Then Wang Wang decided to
solve this whole problem using what he had learned
from class. He simply took another classic saying and
spoke to all of the cats and dogs. “The grass is always
greener on the other side of the fence!” All of the cats
and dogs, seeking green pastures, leaped over the
white picket fence and onto the greener side of the
fence. Gone. Wang Wang smiled to himself, but he
wouldn’t be smiling long. As soon as he turned the
key and opened the door to his apartment...
he realized that the apartment had been completely trashed. It truly looked like there was a hard
core riot in there; a riot that would impress even the
fans of Colorado University. Wang Wang yelled
“HELLO?!” several times to see if there was anyone
in the apartment. He heard a little whimpering coming
from the closet. He approached the closet door and
opened. Sitting in the closet in a wet, shivering bundle
of human flesh, and raccoon I guess, were Lou,
Ivanna, and Petie. Wang Wang asked what happened
and if they were okay. They said they were fine.
Wang Wang then asked why there was a fire in the
living room. They then had to explain to Wang Wang
that the whole reason of being for a fireplace was for
fires. Wang Wang was intrigued, yet confused as to
why he had never heard of these designed fire locations in the past. The four of them sat in front of the
fire with hot chocolate and marshmallows and discussed why this happened. Then Petie’s tail wagged
into the fire and they poured water on it to douse the
flame. Then Wang Wang wanted to get a closer look
at the fire but went to close and he got lit up too. He
then remembered the whole stop drop and roll thing
and was fire. Then he realized that he was never told
what happened. Lou explained that it was an event too
extraordinary to be explained in such a short period of
time. It would necessitate no less than 30 hours of
consecutive conversation to explain what happened.
Wang Wang objected to this claim. He said he had
only been out of the apartment for an hour and a half
so there is no possible way that it could take so long
to explain. Lou told Wang Wang that it was simple
thinking like that that got them there in the first place.
This made no sense to anyone, and they were about to
throw Lou in the fire, but Kent Hrbek came in and
told them not to. Lou then thanked Kent Hrbek and
Kent Hrbek left the apartment to continue with his
life. Ivanna explained that Lou didn’t want Wang
Wang to know what happened because it would be
very embarrassing to him and Lou didn’t want to be
embarrassed. She was not afraid to tell the story.
Ivanna began by explaining to Wang Wang the theory
of the ancient tribe of Zacaladias that used to live in
that location...
but after about eight seconds, Wang Wang
ended it. “Ahhhh, ahhhh, okay, you know what? I
don’t care. Whatever happened, that’s fine. I just want
Ivanna out of here before she causes any more mess.
Plus, I want a smore.” Ivanna took offense to this, and
told Petie that they were through. Petie was devastated, so Wang Wang offered him a smore. “Here, we’ll
eat smores together.” Petie slapped the smore away
and into the fire. “The only thing that’s going to make
me feel any better right now is if I get a new pair of
nuts. Otherwise Wang Wang, I’ll see you in hell.”
Wang Wang frowned. “But Petie, I’m not going to
Hell. And neither are you, right? Wait a second, have
you been talking to Satan you fucking traitor?” Petie
turned around and farted in Wang Wang’s general
direction. “It’s just a saying, you idiot. I won’t literally see in you in Hell, but I won’t be seeing you for a
long time after what you just did to me and my girl-
friend.” Wang Wang responded, “Yeah, well at least I
didn’t skip class today.” Petie laughed. “At least I’m
not boning some ancient Greek guy to get an A.”
“Fuck you Petie! I’m not screwing anyone!” Then
Lou stepped in and took offense. “I skipped class
today, too. You got something to say to me, Mr.
Bigshot?” Wang Wang thought about all this. “Okay,
come on guys. Let’s settle. We’re in college! What
could be better? I’m sorry guys for what I’ve said.
Here, have some smores.” And with that, they were
buddies again. Suddenly, Petie realized that he had
semi-superpowers, that he was very intelligent, and
that he could be a canniving little bastard. So he
decided never to go to class and rather scheme up
some cool ways to get As in his classes and breeze
through college until graduation. But this plan to
scheme only left Petie in an even thicker web of problems, deceit, and pencil shavings. Here goes Petie’s
sad tale. The flying, talking raccoon was not about to
start attending his “Acting: Pretending to be a helicopter” class. So he asked the professor if he could
complete the course by studying independently. “The
only way you will get in A in this class without actually coming to class is if I have a personal home
videotape in my hands by next week of you fucking
Satan himself. Hahahaha!” Petie, who had had relations earlier with Satan, thought that this wasn’t too
harsh of a demand. “So if I hand you that video by
next Tuesday, I can get an A in here?” The professor
laughed and said, “Sure.” Wow, Petie could kill two
birds with one stone. Naturally, he could get an A also
in his “Sex Ed: Screwing Satan” class if he screwed
Satan. Then, Petie talked to his math prof, Professor
Cock. “Now Petie, I will give you an A if you go to
North Korea and bring to me the last screw remaining
from the Screw-You Project. Then, all you’ll have to
do is use math to jump over it, and you’ll be done
with this class!” Finally, Petie talked to his “How to
be a dictator as a large flying animal” professor. “Well
you know, all of you have to do take over North
Korea,” said his professor, “is find that missing last
screw. If you do that, the throne to dictatorship is
yours, and an A in this class is yours as well.” Great
news, thought Petie. All he’d have to do is screw
Satan, take the screw to Professor Cock and jump
over it, and then go take over North Korea. 4.0 GPA.
No problemo. It was time to phone up Satan. “Hey
Petie! What’s that? You want to have sex with me and
videotape it? Well if I do that for you, you’ll have to
do something for me. I’ve always had this fantasy
about screwing while having an actual screw in my
mouth. Say, isn’t there one screw left from that
Screw-You project? Why don’t you get that screw,
bring it over to my place, and we’ll get filming!” So
Petie decided that first, he needed to get the screw and
then get the Satan ordeal over with. So he went to
North Korea and paid off an informant, Dan Gladden,
to find the whereabouts of the last screw. Then Petie
grabbed the screw and flew out of North Korea over
to Satan’s crib. They went at it like animals with the
camera overhead and with the screw looking ridiculously stupid in Satan’s mouth. Finally, it was over.
Petie stood up and yawned. “Well, thanks Satan. I’ll
just be taking this screw and this videotape and I’ll be
on my way.” Satan laughed. “I don’t think so. Don’t
you dare leave this room with that screw. That thing is
worth something. It’s the last remaining screw from
the Screw-You Project, and I ain’t giving it up,
buddy.” Petie tried to explain that he needed the screw
so he could show Professor Cock that he could jump
over it, and then so later on, he could take over North
Korea so he could get an A in his classes. “Fine, take
the screw, but I keep the videotape,” proposed Satan.
“No, I need both, ass hole.” Satan wasn’t going to
budge this time, however. “Jesus Christ, Petie. Pick
one or the other. You can’t have the best of both
worlds. So which will it be? The videotape or the
screw?” Petie frowned. “FUCK!” he yelled in frustration. He walked slowly to the door, shut it, and then
flew back to Florida International University. He
would just have to go to class like a regular guy.
Meanwhile, Lou was going to his first “Time travel
and sandwich making” class, when to his surprise, in
walked Professor Agapepper, the ancient idiot Wang
Wang had complained about! Lou tried to escape
immediately, but...
someone was entering as he was leaving. If
you will remember from way back when the group
was trying to make a potion to bring back Johnno
from the past they also thought a positive effect the
potion could have would be that it would bring the
Iron Chef and Martha Stewart to them so they could
play three on three flag football. Well, the reasoning
behind wanting those two to come was not clearly
explained back then. The reason they wanted the Iron
Chef to come was actually quite simple. He was a
tremendous quarterback. In fact, back in their days
with the Houston Texans, some in the organization
would have rather had the Iron Chef than Michael
Vick. The Iron Chef has ridiculous 4.1 speed and can
launch a ball 70 yards flat footed and have it hit a
dime. The problem was that he never played competitively and therefore he was pretty damn raw. Vick was
well done compared to the Iron Chef. Plus the Iron
Chef was looking for a ridiculous contract. Not only
did he want 3 more years than Vick, but he also wanted $2 million more a year than Vick. In addition to
that, he wanted four four lumped and five legged llamas, a 1974 Chevy Nova, and he wanted to live in a
room in the Playboy mansion. Needless to say this
was impossible, but I digress. Now the reasoning
behind having Martha Stewart was far simpler. Lou
just has had a huge crush on Martha Stewart for years.
It always creeped his friends out, but it is just the way
it was, and Lou has never been able to control it. If
Martha Stewart was in that class, Lou would have to
stay. Now Professor Agapepper asked Lou, “Hey, you
little loser. Are you in my class or not? If you walk
out that door, I will never let you return.” Lou
responded by saying of course he was in that class.
He just had to stretch his legs. With that, Lou returned
to his seat. Then Martha Stewart asked “Hey, what
class is this? Eerily Obsessive Compulsive Neat
Freaks?” Professor Agapepper’s jaw dropped to the
ground at that comment. “No, stupid bitch. This is
‘Time travel and sandwich making.’ Get the hell outta
my classroom you god damn conservative nag. Why
don’t you just go back to your brothel dirty tramp.”
Oh no! Lou was flabbergasted. He went back to this
class to be with Martha Stewart and now he was stuck
with this crazy old man that apparently just completely changed his political view in the past day. He needed to make up an excuse to get outta there, and fast!
Lou’s plan was a complicated one. He looked out the
window and saw...
the tryouts for the Florida International
University’s panther mascot. Basically, if you’ve ever
seen the Denver Nuggets’ mascot, this guy looks the
same. He’s just a big goofy panther that is probably
pals with Yogi Bear. At this point, the guy trying out
was a complete tool. He was trying to be funny by
doing some hip hop gang signs, but it was horribly
annoying. The next guy just kept chasing his new tail,
and that got really old. The overseer of the tryouts
was a middle-aged man in short red shorts, a tight
white t-shirt, and a Texas Rangers baseball cap. Lou
could tell he was highly displeased with this year’s lot
of wannabe mascots. The coach blew his whistle and
ordered the tail-chaser to take off the uniform and to
“scatter like a three-winged yield sign in the middle
of a junior college cafeteria smothered with nacho
cheese and highlighted by a hint of peppermint scent.”
Lou turned to Professor Agapepper and told him that
he had signed up to partake in the mascot tryouts, and
he had forgotten about when they were. “If I don’t go,
I will be shot tomorrow afternoon by the University
firing squad.” Agapepper frowned and stroked his
beard. This time, only 144 hairs fell out. The Iron
Chef picked them up and said they would make for a
great fried rabbit or an even better sauteed “hare.”
Agapepper declined to respond to this comment and
instead turned to Lou. “And if you walk out of my
class, I will kill you also tomorrow afternoon. But not
with guns, oh no. I’ll strangle you with my dirty hair.
Ha ha ha!” Professor Agapepper was suddenly running toward Lou. To Lou’s surprise, Agapepper was
light on his feet, and he probably could have stolen
some bases off of Jack Morris or Mike Scott, but
probably not off of Dwight Gooden or Dennis
Eckersley. Oil Can Boyd was iffy, and that one could
go either way. It would probably depend on whether
Agapepper got a good jump or not. Nevertheless, Lou
was sickened by the thought of Agapepper’s hair, so
he leaped onto the window sill, jumped, and ran away
from the classroom. Luckily for Lou, the Iron Chef
was a cannibal, and he whacked Agapepper in the
head with one of his trusty frying pans. We won’t go
into the details of how Agapepper was cooked. But,
needless to say, no more “Problem Solving” class for
Wang Wang and no more “Time Travel and Sandwich
Making” class for Lou. But even worse, Lou had now
gotten himself into quite a predicament. The eerily1980s looking coach squinted and stared straight at
Lou, who was running across the field toward the
school’s football band practice. Lou suddenly noticed
that the coach was eyeing him, and before he could
slow down, he torpedoed into a bassoon player. This
started a Domino effect and the whole horns section
fell over. The band director was pissed, and all Lou
could offer was, “GO PANTHERS!” The band direc-
tor seemed pleased with this, and motioned for practice to go on. Lou stopped to catch his breath, when
suddenly he heard a caveman yelling. “Walaaa
braschy torcaweewee! Yentorgall Schikadoray!” The
caveman was the coach, and he was running straight
toward Lou. According to Lou’s calculations, this guy
could steal of Jack Morris, Mike Scott, Dennis
Eckersley, Dwigh Gooden, Oil Can Boyd, the whole
lot of those 80s pitchers. This guy was fast. And Lou
was too out of breath to keep running. “You’re what
we need! Someone with school spirit! I heard you yell
‘Go Panthers!’ with great enthusiasm! Son, would you
like to be the Florida International University mascot?” The coach extended his hand. “Mason. Lefty
Mason.” Lou...
had his mouth drop the the ground and he
punched Lefty Mason in the jaw. Lefty staggered back
and fell against a tree. He was about to get up and ask
Lou why he punched him but then something horrible
happened. Lefty had fallen into the tree pretty hard. In
fact, it jarred something loose from above. Just as
Lefty was getting up a pineapple fell on his head and
Lefty was rendered unconscious. It was a pineapple
tree. Lou was excited and did a victory dance. Then
Wang Wang came up to Lou with urgent news. He
explained that something happened to his professor
for his “Time Travel and Sandwich Making” class,
although no one knows what it was. He then told Lou
that he had to go to that class. The new teacher was
going to tell them how to make Agapepper sandwiches. Wang Wang thought that was weird because
Agapepper was the name of his old professor. Lou did
not respond at all, but instead just looked with hate in
his eyes at Lefty. Wang Wang looked at Lefty and
then at Lou. Then he looked at Lefty and then at Lou.
Then he looked at Lefty and then at Lou. Then he
looked at Lefty and then at Lou. Then he thought
something weird was going on, so he told Lou he
could explain what was going on later but he had to
go because he could already taste the delicious
Agapepper. Lou’s facial expression did not change at
all and he did not say a word to his friendly brother.
Finally, by this point, the band director had gotten
over to Lou and he demanded to know what was
going on. “What the hell is wrong with you boy? First
you fuck with my horns and now you try to kill
Lefty? You have some explaining to do.” Lou looked
at the band directer and scowled, causing the band
director to soil himself and run away. Two hours later,
Wang Wang returned and it appeared as though nothing had changed. Then Wang Wang looked at his
watch and realized it was two hours later so that was
different. Plus the sun was beginning to set and it was
a little bit colder. That’s not to say it was cold, however. It was just colder than before. Actually, that was
a good thing because it was super hot earlier and having the weather be less hot than before but actually
colder than before was a benefit from the super hot
weather that they had that was hotter than the relatively pleasant weather they were currently experiencing.
By saying relatively I mean to indicate that the weather currently was cooler than the weather was two
hours ago because it was colder now than it was
before when it was less cold but hot and less hot now
then it was when it was really hot two hours ago. But
other than that, it was the same as before. Wang Wang
needed answers so he grabbed Lou by the shoulders
and started shaking him. Lou finally came and spoke.
“Hey Wang Wang, what’s up brother? Want to go grab
some food?” Wang Wang said that he wasn’t so much
hungry because he had an unfortunate experience in
his last class. Wang Wang then asked why he had
tried to kill Lefty. Lou had actually forgotten that
whole experience. He was just in a zone. But there
was a very good reason he had acted the way he did.
Lefty Mason was not really Lefty Mason. He was living under a fake identity when in reality he was a man
that had greatly harmed him in the past. Lou then told
Wang Wang who the man was and what he had
done...
“Wang Wang, I have a story to tell you.” Wang
Wang nodded. “About Lefty?” Loe responded by
moving his mouth, but suddenly Lou was talking
trumpets and drums. Had Lou been turned into a
musical instrument? No! Band practice had resumed,
and even though Lou’s mouth was moving, all Wang
Wang could hear was trumpets and drums. They elected to go to a more quiet place on campus. A loud bell
then rang. A large green rectangular box appeared in
the middle of the field, just a few scant feet in front of
the band director. Some thirty students exited the box,
books in hand, walking as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened. But in actuality, they were getting
out of an elevator— an elevator that seemed to be
fully functional in the middle of a grassy field. Where
did it go? Where were its pulleys? The band director
was furious and announced his resignation. The band
members went into a frenzy as they were now a leaderless gang of nothing more than what they feared
most— band members. That made no sense, but let us
move on. Lefty suddenly woke up from his trance and
tried to walk off unnoticed, but Lou was no fool. He
picked up a pineapple and threw it at the back of his
head. Lefty was knocked out again, this time laying in
the burning oven that was the non-shaded area of the
field. However, as mentioned before, things weren’t
so hot now as they had been earlier in the afternoon,
but it was still pretty hot if you weren’t under the tree.
So, at this point, you had the band members going
insane and playing their instruments out of tune and
out of time if they weren’t bashing fellow band members over the head with their French horns and xylophones. Then you had Lefty passed out nearby, and
you had Wang Wang and Lou trying to have a conversation about Lou’s odd behavior. Lastly, you had the
students walking away from the elevator over yonder.
Lou yelled out again, “Wang Wang, I have a STORY
to tell you about Lefty!” This time Wang Wang understood clearly. The noise from the band practice from
hell died down immediately. If there’s one thing that
can distract band people from band, it’s a good ol’
campfire story. They all hovered over to Lou, waiting
anxiously to hear his story. Lou said that they should
all get out of the hot sun and take the elevator down
to wherever it went. Happily, the elevator worked, and
everyone got out once the elevator got to the bottom.
They were all in a large cave-like room that was lit
broadnaxtypiciously with candles. Lou took one of
the candles and started a fire. Then Petie showed up
with marshmellows, chocolates, and graham crackers.
Smores! Now that everyone was comfortable, Lou
began his story. “Once upon a time, I was a lighting
technician. Now, it just so happened that a man
named Righty Mason called me up one day. He said,
‘Hello there Lou the lighting technician. I hear you’re
good with lights. See, I’m in a dilemma. I’m stuck out
here on Lake Yahtzee in my yacht. And I’ve lost all
power on my boat, so I can’t see a darned thing. I’m
trapped in the lower quarters, and I just can’t find the
door. However, I was lucky enough to feel for the
telephone and call you. Please come out here right
away and fix my lights so I can steer home. I’ll pay
you a pretty penny.’ So I hung up the phone and felt
called to duty. In the lighting technician business, we
have an old saying: ‘Ask not what a lighting technician can do for you, ask what you as a lighting technician can do for some guy who needs help with his
lights.’ So I got on my five-legged horse and rode out
to Lake Yahtzee and swam as fast as I could out to
Righty’s yacht. ‘Righty! Where are you? This is Lou
the lighting technician! I’m here to fix your lights!’
So I found my way downstairs into the lower quarters
of the yacht, when suddenly a trap door above me
slammed shut. I too was trapped in the dark room.
But I was sure that I would find Righty in there soon,
and we would figure something out. Suddenly a loud
popping sound startled me from above. Then another,
and then another. Soon the loud popping noises were
coming more frequently. I became terrified and I
scrambled around the room, looking for Righty. Then
I saw a faint light over in the corner. It was a window!
I rubbed the gunk and mist off the window and I
could see the shore of the lake, not too far away.
There was Righty! I knew it was him, because he had
a shirt on that said in big, bold, red letters: ‘RIGHTY.’
But what the hell was he doing on shore, I wondered.
I made out what appeared to be a golf club and a
colossal pile of driving range golf balls. He had a
cigar in his mouth and was laughing hysterically. He
carefully positioned his feet and his club and then
reared back and smacked another ball. POP! The popping noises were the golf balls hitting his own boat.
Suddenly it came to me. Righty was trying to kill me!
He was going to sink me and sink his boat with golf
balls. I had to get out of the room before the massive
weight of thousands of golf balls sunk this yacht! I
knew I had very little time.” The band members were
enthralled by Lou’s story. They had figured out that
Lefty Mason was a fraud and that he was really
Righty Mason, the man who had tried to kill Lou
years before. “So what happened next, Lou?” Florida
International’s top clarinet player asked. “Well, I
knew I had to get out of the room, so I...
made a phone call. I called my friend Harry
the locksmith. I asked Harry if he would come to the
yacht and save me. Harry was terrified that I was in
so much danger and vowed to come as fast as he
could. In only about ten minutes, trusty Harry had
arrived on the yacht, and I heard Harry struggling
with the door only to finally find a way to open it.
from an entire story to just a section of a story, and no
Harry then yelled at me saying, ‘Lou, you jackass.
one likes those things because they’re just annoying.
The door was unlocked all the time. You know I’m
So, what the band did was...
trying to run for President and I don’t have time to
put up with your idiocy like this all the time.’ Harry
the locksmith was actually Harry Truman. Before he
became the President of the United States, he was
simply the best locksmith on the planet. Anyway, I
explained that although I knew the door was
unlocked, I could not open it when I was holding my
pet, Colvert the chimp. I just needed someone to open
it for me. Once the door was open, we got a better
view of Righty. He seemed a little disturbed that I had
gotten out of that tough situation. I threw one of the
golf balls right back at him and he got scared and
immediately ran away. The ball landed probably 175
yards short but he did not even notice. I quickly
turned the yacht around and put it into high gear to
chase after that bastard. Finally I got to the shore and
chased him across the beach. But I could not catch
him. Then I chased him across the desert. But I could
not catch him. Then I chased him across the mountain
range. But I could not catch him. Then I chased him
across the plains. But I could not catch him. Then I
chased him across the tropical rainforest. But I could
not catch him. Then I chased him across the barren
icelands. But I could not catch him. I never caught
him. If nothing else I wanted to know why he wanted
to kill me. I never found out. Perhaps instead of trying
to kill him right now, I should have asked him why he
wanted me dead and if he still wanted me dead.
Perhaps he was over it and we could have had a good
chuckle about that over buffalo wings at the local pub.
But I just now thought of that. But I still want to
know why he wanted me dead, and that will haunt me
for a while.” “Well, gee Mr. Lou,” FIU’s lead trombone player exclaimed. “We could find it out for you.
It couldn’t be too hard.” The rest of the band joined in
unison jumping for the cause. Everyone wanted a conclusion to this story that has gone on for way, way too
long. No one likes stories that never end and just
seem to go on forever. I mean, sometimes when
things like that happen other people wonder why
someone would waste so much time with it. But people do it. It’s remarkable really. So, these people
wanted closure on the story and they didn’t want it
going on endlessly because things that go on endlessly are dumb. Things that keep going can be anything
Chapter 23
The Carnival of Fire
They all got back in the elevator and pressed
“up” to go back to the band practice field so they
could find the knocked out Righty Mason, who was
under the alias of Lefty Mason. But there was an elevator error malfunction messup, and everyone ended
up in the Land of Dwarves. The dwarves were all
swinging on their playground swings tossing sticks at
each other’s faces to keep from falling asleep. Petie
asked the dwarves why they didn’t want to go to
sleep. “Because the Carnival of Fire is tomorrow, and
we have to stay awake, or else we’re disqualified.”
Everyone gasped. Petie, Lou, Wang Wang, and the
FIU band members suddenly realized the seriousness
of their situation. Righty Mason then showed up, and
Lou asked him why he had wanted to kill him so
many years before. “I’m a Communist Lou. I knew
you were friends with Harry Truman. I didn’t want
him to become President, because I’m a dirty
Commie. I was going to lure both of you to my yacht
and drown you with the golf balls. And my plan
would have worked had it not been for those damn
lawnmowers.” Lou was confused. What lawnmowers?
“When you started chasing me, all I could think of
was a big ferocious man-eating lawnmower, so I ran.
Then later on, I realized it was just you chasing me.
But by then, I was so tired, I was no longer a
Communist. I decided then and there to devote my
life to mascot teaching.” Lou could see Righty’s line
of logic, and gave Righty a firm slap on the back, as
if to say “Job well done, friend.” It was a sort of congratulations after the great battle of life. Only it wasn’t. It was just a slap on the back. And Righty didn’t
appreciate it. He moved to hit Lou harder on the back,
but before he could, a dwarf shot an arrow through
Righty’s neck. No more Righty. The dwarves said that
the best way for them to stay awake would be to keep
shooting their new guests with arrows because it was
exhilarating. Wang Wang, Petie, and Lou knew that
they would have to sacrifice the band members if they
were to survive. So our Big Three ran back to the elevator and pushed the “Close Door” button, the way
you do when you’re impatient because the damn elevator won’t hurry up and get a move on. But the band
members ran toward the elevator in a fury, knowing
that they were doomed. “Sorry, we were here first.
Haha,” Petie laughed. “Looks like you’ll have to get
on the next elevator. No room here.” It was kind of
funny. The band members, abandoned by their hero
Lou, knew that they must trudge on. So they struck a
deal with the dwarves. “Don’t shoot! We will fix the
Carnival of Fire tomorrow so you guys win. But in
exchange, we want no arrows in our backs, and we
also want you to help us get revenge in Wang Wang,
Lou, and Petie — the bastards that just left us.” The
dwarves agreed. They really needed to win the
Carnival of Fire this year, or else they’d be forced to
cede half of their land to the Midgets of the Bicycle
Underworld. Meanwhile, Wang Wang, Lou, and Petie
were having a good laugh in the magic elevator.
Where would it take them next? No one knew. Then
the elevator jolted to a stop, and the lights went out.
When the trio forced open the doors, they had arrived
at...
the Carnival of Fire. More specifically, they
were in the judges’ pre-carnival roasting pit of
preparatory carnivalistic endeavors room. They were
about to get back in the elevator when they heard
some people talking outside. It was more little people,
and they sounded like they were the judges as the
occupation of being a judge at a carnival can easily be
determined merely by hearing the sound of one’s
voice. Anyway, the conversation went a little like this.
Judge A began by saying, “You know what upsets
me? It’s really hard to find a good dentist these days.
Or if you do find a good dentist, the dental hygienists
are dirty whores that care more about finding an adequate babysitter for Friday night when they go out
with their bastard husbands to the poetry recital than
they care about making your trip to the dentist an
enjoyable one. So, in summary, I suppose my biggest
complaint is that it is difficult to find a good dentist
that also has good dental hygienists. That is my theory
as to why people tend to avoid going to the dentist.”
After a short silence, Judge B responded. “You know
what really bothers me? The fact that I just can’t find
a good spork. I mean, I can find plastic sporks
although even that is not easy. I have never seen a
nice regular set of real silverware with sporks. That’s
bullshit.” Judge A nodded, although Wang Wang, Lou,
and Petie could not see him nod because they were
not in the hallway and instead they were in the room.
“Yeah, the spork is an underrated utensil,” Judge A
responded. Off in the distance the trio could hear
some faint music that seemed to get louder and louder
by the second. Before too long, it was quite loud and
then stopped abruptly. Then a new voice greeted the
two judges. “Hello, my name is Tommy Tansadury,
the talented trombonist of the FIU band. I have a
proposition for you. Here are your choices. Your first
choice is to fix the Carnival of Fire to let the dwarves
win and in return we will perform the song of your
choice for both of you and a date. By a date I mean
that each of you could bring a date and not one date
to share. The second choice is to die.” Immediately
Judge B responded. “Would it be acceptable if my
colleague and I could discuss our decision before
making it final?” After Tommy nodded (which, again,
the terrific trio could not see) the judges pondered
their decision. “Well Tommy,” said Judge B “here is
our decision. We would like to take your first choice.
Frankly, we believe the dwarves will win anyway, so
we have nothing to lose. Plus I would love to hear a
song." The band played a quick victory song and
walked away promising to meet the judges after the
Carnival of Fire. The judges, content with their decision, entered the judges’ pre-carnival roasting pit of
preparatory carnivalistic endeavors room.
Immediately, they saw Wang Wang, Lou, and Petie.
Wang Wang said he had a proposition for the judges.
The judges had two choices. First they could surrender their titles as judges to Wang Wang, Lou, and
Petie, or they could die. Wang Wang heard what had
happened earlier and remembered into his childhood
of times he was screwed at carnivals and refused to
let someone else be on the receiving end of a similar
screwjob. The judges were in trouble. They already
had an agreement with the FIU band. They could not
break their agreement, but if they did not break their
agreement, they would die. They decided to take neither option and instead have a fight to the death with
Wang Wang, Lou, and Petie. Wang Wang said that
was fine, and before they fought, he offered them a
glass of water as a sign of good faith. The judges
accepted. Little did they know that they were actually
just glasses of poison, and they immediately died.
Now Wang Wang, Lou, and Petie were the judges.
The first order of business would be to figure out why
the FIU band was still alive and why they they wanted to rig the Carnival of Fire in favor of the dwarves.
Wang Wang had a good magic trick prepared to figure
this out. In the trick Wang Wang...
and his two fellow judges, Petie and Lou,
dressed up like the old judges, so no one would know
that something had gone amiss. When the Big Three
exited the judges’ pre-carnival roasting pit of preparatory carnivalistic endeavors room, they found that all
the competitors had arrived for the Carnival of Fire!
Evidently, the dwarves had home field advantage this
year. Nevertheless, there were groups from all over
this mysterious underworld ready to compete: the
Dwarves, the FIU band members (who weren’t really
supposed to be in the Carnival), the Midgets, the
Widgets, the Elves, the Goblins, the Kiblets, the
Driblets, the Toadies, the Halfwits, the Fickets, and
the Snickets. This was going to a big competition, and
it all lay in the hands of the judges, who had no idea
what they were doing. Wang Wang, in order to keep
from being caught, decided to step up immediately
and act all professional-like. “AHEM,” he coughed
loudly. “Behold loyal competitors of the underworld!
Henceforth today and tomorrow shall be held none
other than the GREAT—” he paused to let this powerful word ring across the cavernous room — “the
MYSTERIOUS—” another pause to emphasize Wang
Wang’s oratorical skills— “the TREMENDOUS ...
the DELIRIOUS ... wait no, not delirious. The MAGNIFICENT ... the ONLY—” One of the driblets had
had enough. “Hurry the fuck up, Judge A!” Wang
Wang paused. He didn’t know if he should disqualify
all the Driblets, or if he should continue to be a forgiving and nice judge. He decided to waive the comment and continue. “The ONLY ... CARNIVAL OF
FIRE!” A momentous roar exploded from the crowd.
Everyone was anxiously awaiting for the games to
begin. But soon, the cheers died down, and everyone
waited on Judge A’s (who was really Wang Wang
dressed up in disguise) command. But what was
Wang Wang supposed to do now? He had no idea. So
he continued in his booming voice. “The Carnival of
Fire ... was started many moons ago when the great
Judge A the First decided that...” “Oh come on now,
what is this crap?” demanded the Leader of the
Driblets. “Let the games begin already!” One of the
fidgety Fickets, who had long had a grudge against
the Driblets, went over and pulled off the Leader of
the Driblets’ head. The Driblets were pissed, but they
could do nothing in retaliation under the watchful eye
of Judge A. Wang Wang knew now that he had to
intervene. “I hereby disqualify the Fickets! Off with
ye!” The Fickets knew it was all over. As in tradition
with the Carnival of Fire, they walked to the center of
the room where the big pit of flames lay. This was the
famous “Pithole of Fire.” Every year, when a group
was eliminated, all the members of that group had to
walk over to the hole and jump in, falling 25 feet into
the fiery pit of death. Soon, all the Fickets were gone.
A hearty cheer erupted again from the audience. This
was what the Carnival of Fire was all about! But suddenly, everyone grew quiet again, anxiously awaiting
the word of Judge A, who was really Wang Wang.
“Umm, well now, I hope everyone has turned in their
lease agreement forms!” Wang Wang yelled.
Everyone looked around, puzzled. “We never got
those!” cried one of the Widgets. “And why are there
three judges this year?” Everyone pointed at Petie
with suspicion. Everyone was accustomed to only two
judges. Petie was about to be mauled unless he
offered some sort of explanation. “Well hey there
everyone! Is everyone excited about the Carinval of
Fire?” No one seemed too happy about this new, mysterious, third judge. Petie tried again. “I am the great
Judge C, great grandson of Judge C the fifth.”
Everyone gasped in his presence and immediately
bowed. “Rise, please. Rise everyone!” Petie requested. He sort of like being worshipped, and he planned
on repeating it in the future. It was back to Wang
Wang now. But for the life of him, Wang Wang couldn’t think of what he was supposed to do to jumpstart
the competition. Was he supposed to say “Go” or
something? Who started first? How were they, the
judges, supposed to determine who won? And by
God, Wang Wang didn’t want to send another group
into that awful fiery pit of death. He decided to go on
with his little lease agreement form spiel. He ordered
poor Petie, who had no idea what he was talking
about, to hand out the lease agreement forms to all the
groups. Wang Wang declared, “Judge C has been a little absent-minded and forgot to give these to you all.
He’s coming around now. Just get your group leader
to sign the form, and then we can start the games.
And no letting dead people sign your forms!” An air
of excitement once again took over the room. Petie,
who had randomly found some pieces of paper, decided to use those as the lease agreement forms. “Here
you go, here you go, remember to sign it, here’s your
form...” he said politely, going around the room.
Meanwhile, the Driblets were in trouble. Driblet 17
whispered, “Judge A just said we can’t have dead people sign our form. What are we supposed to do now?
Our leader, Driblet 1, has been beheaded!” Driblet 5
butted in, “He’ll never know. Just take Driblet 1’s
hand and sign the form.” Driblet 17 was opposed to
this. “Driblet 1 is dead and has no head. We can’t just
take his hand and force him to sign the form! We’ll
have to forge it.” Everyone in the Driblet group
gasped. In the underworld, the only sin that was
worse than forgery was tardiness. So, no one wanted
to forge the form. They would have to take the
beheaded Driblet 1’s right hand and force the dead
hand to sign his name. And so they did. But it turned
out terrible. It looked like a fifth grader had signed it.
But hey, have you ever tried to pick up a dead hand
and make it sign its own name on a piece of paper?
That can be tough. Unfortunately, Judge B (who was
really Lou) caught the Driblets in their mischievous
ways. Unlike Wang Wang, Lou was all about sending
these groups to walk into the fiery pit of death. “I sentence all of ye to the Pithole of Fire,” Lou yelled to
the Driblets. “You have all violated Judge A’s rule of
not having dead people sign your form. Off ye walk,
buggards!” Lou said in his best English accent. The
Driblets were now gone as well, burned up in the
fiery pit of doom. At this time, all the forms had been
handed in, and everyone was eager to start the ol’
Carnival of Fire competition. Wang Wang couldn’t
think of anything else to say, so he declared, “Since
the dwarves have home field advantage and they must
be awfully tired from having to stay up all night, they
will go first.” This was clearly not how the Carnival
was supposed to go, but who was going to argue with
Judge A? Everyone thought he must be getting senile
in his old age, on account of the fact that he had
botched the Carnival’s traditional opening ceremony:
the sacrificing of a bicycle, the devil’s instrument.
Nevertheless, the tired dwarves began their performance and tried to impress the three judges. The
dwarves kicked off their act by...
singing the opening number in their musical
masterpiece, “We may be short, but our talent is
impossible to thwart.” The first number was titled
“Because we lack sufficient verticality, we bring new
meaning to the phrase petite bourgeoisie.” This song
brought the audience out of their seats. The dwarves
were big fans of the sea, and their next song was the
one that made the dwarves who they are today: “I
once knew a dwarf who lived at the wharf.” Some
experts on musicals have said that that song alone is
the only reason that the dwarves have been able to
stay on Narrownail (the Dwarf world equivalent of
Broadway) for so many years. Basically, the rest of
the play sucked harder than a dirty whorish porn star.
There were two more songs in the musical. The third
overall was called “The guy said we were small, so
we put him up against a firing wall.” The grand finale
of the musical was entitled “Thank God we’re finally
finished; we hope your opinion of us has not diminished.” The thing was that “I once knew a dwarf who
lived at the wharf” was so good that it was still in
everyone’s mind, and everyone had forgotten how terribly, horribly horrible the rest of it was, and everyone
cheered wildly. They wanted an encore, but the
dwarves refused as an encore would have broken the
Carnival of Fire Constitution. Everyone understood
and respected this decision. Another tradition at the
Carnival of Fire is that if one group realizes that they
cannot win because another group did such an excellent job, the would-be defeated group would enter the
Pithole of Fire voluntarily as a sign of respect. After
the dwarves completed their act, all groups got up to
enter the Pithole of Fire. However, just as the first
person was about to enter the Pithole of Fire, Wang
Wang spoke up. “Halt ye! Permissible it is not to
enter the Pithole of Fire with the compliance of which
I given not. Now, I, Judge A, order all constituents of
sects of exotic entities to begin to embark on a voyage
to their seats at the present time immediately. After a
seat has been taken and personnel have taken seats in
their respective locations, the proceeding of the
Carnival of Fire shall commence forthwith. In spite of
the magisterial procession of the citizens of the delegation of dwarves, I must stipulate that all congregations persevere at the present carnival in preparation
of their intimate exhibition. Currently for the representation of which was done exgravantly the society
of dwarves I would like to recognize. However, I
must assert that seats be taken of by the dwarves and
that the seats taken that belong to the dwarves go to
dwarves that the dwarves take. Thank you. The subsequent assemblage of freaks to adorn the stage of
excellence is...
“Pizza delivery!” Wang Wang was momentarily interrupted. The entire audience fell to a funerallike silence. “Uhh, I have a delivery for a Judge? The
name here says Judge A. Does anybody know—”
Wang Wang stepped forth, under the alias of Judge A.
“Yes, that’s me, but I didn’t order any pizza. How did
you just waltz on in here to the sacred Carnival of
Fire?” The Kiblets all grinned. “FOOLED YOU!” all
two of them yelled. And that was the Kiblets’ show
for this year, a silly prank. Wang Wang was quite
impressed. However, now that his pizza was here, he
figured he was pretty hungry, and that he damn well
better eat it. “Oh ye Kiblets!” he demanded, getting
more comfortable now with this kingly gibberish.
“Hence cometh ye both hither toward my graciousness. For without my pizza o’ joy, shall I ever perish
into the night without a trace of gladness in my what
would then be a wretched, forlorn soul.” The Kiblets
stood motionless, trying to analyze what the great
Judge A had just stated. Wang Wang frowned. “I liked
your performance, but give me the damn pizza. I’m
hungry.” The Kiblets stood wide-mouthed. “But sir,
we don’t really have a pizza. It’s all a joke. All our
performance,” said the first Kiblet. “Yeah,” responded
the other. “It’s just an empty box.” Wang Wang was
astounded. “Crawl on thy despicable bellies into the
Pithole of Fire and burn. Burn! Burn until you can
burn no more. Burn until the oven that is the hole of
flames over yonder eats at your flesh until it becomes
a fiery black smolten lava form that resembles my
Aunt Becky after she has bathed in hot, fiery Oreos o’
plenty! Burn I say! Burn till the twilight of your
essential souls has burned a new horrific hole into
your very hearts like a chimney mourning the last of
K-Mart’s on sale lipstick! Burn! Buuuuuurn!” he said
in a powerful rage. Wang Wang sure did want that
pizza. No more Kiblets. The FIU band members followed suit and walked into the Pithole of Fire, realizing the wrath of Judge A was simply too much for
them to handle. Suddenly, the Dwarves became even
more angry than Wang Wang had just been. For the
Dwarves knew that the FIU band members had violated their end of the deal. They had promised to fix the
Carnival of Fire in exchange for life, but now they
were gone. Surely, they could no linger fix the contest. Those suicidal bastards. The dwarves immediate-
ly sought justice. “Judge A! The Florida International
band members had promised us that if we spared their
lives and helped kill three guys named Wang Wang,
Petie, and Lou, that they would cheat and fix the
Carnival of Fire so we could win and regain all of our
homeland. But now they’re gone, and—” The
dwarves had made a fatal error— telling Wang Wang
(who they thought was Judge A) to his face that they
had planned to kill him. Judge A, who was really
Wang Wang, ripped off his mask as did Lou and Petie
at that moment. Ah, the point of no return, commonly
referred to as a climax in your high school English
classes. “You’re not Judge A, B, or C! What have you
done with them?” the Dwarves demanded to know.
Meanwhile, the mad Midgets, the wicked Widgets, the
ever-present Elves, the gooey Goblins, the terrible
Toadies, the hairy Halfwits, and the sewagy Snickets
didn’t know what to think. First, they had just learned
that the Dwarves had tried to fix the holy Carnival of
Fire. Now, the contest was even more full of corruption as the true judges weren’t even there. “We killed
them,” announced Wang Wang. Gasps consumed the
room like bees on an alcoholic train trying to make it
from Timbuktu to Wisconsin in less than four hours.
“We killed the judges trying to figure out why you
had spared the band members’ lives. Now we see. You
thought they could fix the contest for you. Well, let
me tell you, I’m not really Judge A. I am Wang Wang,
the person you are supposed to kill. And I will see to
it that you won’t win this contest!” Lou halted his
brother, putting a firm arm on his shoulder. He whispered to Wang Wang, “I don’t know, bro. Their song
‘I once knew a dwarf who lived at the wharf’ was
fucking awesome. They deserve to win.” Wang Wang
was shocked. “You don’t understand the seriousness
of the situation. The dwarves are under contract to
KILL us. Whether that song was good or not ... well
yeah, Lou, you’re right, that song was damn good.”
Wang Wang stroked his beard for a minute, even
though he didn’t have a beard to stroke. Petie chimed
in, “Yeah, ‘I once knew a dwarf who lived at the
wharf’ was the most amazing thing ever. Of all the
things we’ve been through guys, that songs tops it
all.” Wang Wang agreed. He also stipulated that since
the FIU band members were now dead, the dwarves
weren’t under contract to kill them anymore. He
decided to announce their decision. “Dwarves, I call
you to the bench. Come forth.” The dwarves
approached. “As the presiding head judge,” Wang
Wang said in a quiet voice, “we have determined that
since your counterparts — the FIU band members —
in your illegal contract are now dead, you are no
longer bound to the terms of that contract. Hence, you
are not under any allegiance to kill me and my two
partners. Is this agreed to?” The dwarves mulled it
over. The head dwarf said, “Well that depends.
Technically, you’re right. We’re no longer under contract. However, we severely outnumber you, and we
will kill you anyway if you don’t fix the contest yourself and let us win.” Wang Wang saw their point. “It’s
a deal. I’ll announce that you guys have won right
now.” The dwarves, in a weirdass roundabout way,
had achieved their goal. Wang Wang turned to the
audience. “I would like to announce that the Dwarves
have won this year’s Carnival of Fire due to their
unbelievable performance of ‘I once knew a dwarf
who lived at the wharf.’ Goodnight.” The audience
fell silent again. But amidst the saddened, disappointed faces arose a single face of bitter resentment, rage,
violence and revenge. It was one of the Snickets,
Sergeant Slappy Snicket. “Wait a minute! This whole
Carnival of Fire has been nothing but corruption.
First, you dwarves try to rig the whole thing. Then,
the real judges get killed off. Who are you, Wang
Wang, to judge who wins and loses? You’re not even
a real judge.” The entire band of creatures still in the
audience cooed a sombering “Oooooo” toward Wang
Wang, knowing that Sergeant Slappy had badly dissed
him. “Furthermore, I know exactly what’s going on.
The dwarves threatened to kill you if you didn’t let
them win. That’s what this all boils down to. I declare
war on all who have disgraced this year’s Carnival of
Fire. CHARGE!!!” cried Sergeant Slappy. And with
that, the Midgets, the Widgets, the Elves, the Goblins,
the Toadies, the Halfwits, and the Snickets— all
underground groups who had been feuding for centuries on end— were amazingly united in a cause
against evil. Wang Wang, Petie, and Lou were stuck
in a precarious situation. Our heroes were suddenly,
and hilariously, the root for all evil which had been
bestowed upon this underworld. Had they not been
cowards and left their fellow university students and
band members, none of this would have happened.
Nevertheless, the terrific trio saw that once again, it
would be critical to strike a deal at this point.
“Dwarves,” called Wang Wang. “We have but little
time. As you can see, whether we like each other or
not, we might as well gang up and fight off these
groups together. We’ll be more effective that way.”
The dwarves disagreed. Dwarf 1, who had never lived
at the wharf but knew a second cousin of his who had
built a wharf of his own, spoke up. “Listen. You are
only but three men. What good will three men do us?
And furthermore, you were supposed to fix the contest for us. You tried to, but you didn’t enforce the
rewards. Regardless of whether we won the Carnival
of Fire or not, we now have to fight for our lives to
keep our land. Screw off and fight for yourselves.”
Wang Wang was taken aback. If the Dwarves didn’t
want them, they might as well just run away. The
Dwarves were right. They were but three guys. They
couldn’t do crap. Enough of the underworld. They
decided to let the evil dwarves fend for themselves.
Petie pushed out his rusty wings, and Wang Wang and
Lou crawled on top. Boy were they cowards and dirty
cheaters, and in general, bad people. But hey, if you
haven’t learned to love them by now, you can fuck
off. Or, if you want to stick around for another 200
pages and learn to like our terrific trio, go ahead. The
point is, they’re leaving this underworld, and they
sure as hell left it a worse place than when they found
it. And they think it’s kind of funny. Petie flew all
over the underworld but couldn’t find a way out. The
Big Three decided to make camp for the night. Just as
they were getting ready to go to sleep, Enrique the
Delivery Boy of the Underworld came riding by in his
trusty bicycle. “War declared on Dwarves! Read all
about it!” He threw the “Underground Gazette” at
Wang Wang and rode on by. The lead story of the
newspaper, of course, told the outcome of the day’s
earlier events. The winner of the war had been...
inconclusive. After fighting the traditional
twenty minutes, they all took a break and left it up to
the judges of war fo the Underworld. Unfortunately,
the judges of war of the Underworld were also the
judges of the Carnival of Fire. So, the fighting was
over, and they did not know who won. They decided
to hell with it and went on with their lives. Lou recognized something that just did not seem right. As we
have seen throughout our epic story, Lou is a man
obsessed with the history of two things: hot dogs and
the Underworld. He actually considers himself an
expert on hot dogs from the Underworld, but that is
not important right now. What was important was that
Lou was hungry and needed a hot dog. Then after he
ate, he thought about history of the Underworld and
saw that something was wrong. He knew that according to the ancient history of the Underworld, any time
the judges of war are killed, those who killed them
become the new judges of war. It all goes back to a
story written in the Underworld Constitution. Before
the members of the Underworld received their independence from the evil Guandalafeo Empire, they
were forced to kill the judges of war presiding over
the Underworld and Guandalafeo. Once they were
defeated, they had no rules as to who would take their
place. They decided to make up the rule that they
would decide who would take the positions as judges
of war. Naturally they appointed their own men to
have these positions, so they could declare the
Underworld winners of the war, and the law stuck.
The Guandalafeo empire was soon thereafter crushed,
and the Underworld broke up into their separate tribes
but kept the judges of war in case hostilities would
arise amongst the new tribes. This basically worked as
a faultless system. (Except for the time when the
Russians attacked and then the Russians paid off the
judges of war and threatened them unless they would
give victory to the Russians, and the judges of war
complied with the threat. It was at this point when it
appeared as though the Russians were victorious over
the Underworld. However, after they had already
received their medals of victory, the ruling body that
rules the judges of war ruled that to be unfair because
the Underworld clearly seemed to defeat the Russians.
The final result of this mess was that the Russians
would keep their medals indicating their victory, but
the Underworld would receive medals saying they
won so in the history books both sides won. However,
the Underworld was also allowed to keep their land,
and this late decision by the supreme governing body
of war made it clear that the Underworld was successful and that the Russians, in this case, were goons that
tried to alter what was truly right.) Now all has
changed though. Wang Wang, Lou, and Petie were the
true judges of war and they had the responsibility to
declare a winner. Petie spoke up and said he really
didn’t give a shit who won, and Wang Wang and Lou
agreed, since they did not care about the Underworld,
and they just wanted to get the hell outta there. They
agreed to set off again and off they went in search of
a way out...
Chapter 24
Black stuff
President Bush rode by on his motorized bicycle at this point. “Hey there cowboys! The United
States of America is greatly in need of your service.
Follow me.” Petie flew close behind George, who,
although he didn’t have epilepsy, was in fact from
Texas. They exited the Underworld on Route 19,
which is east of the old barn with the makeshift
haystack fence. Suddenly, they were in Washington,
D.C. George invited them into Dairy Queen, where
Mark Cuban was busy hassling a customer who wanted to order the “Dairy Queen Frosty Referee Special.”
George smiled and sat down in a booth. “This one’s
on the government, boys. Tell me what ya want, and
good ol’ George will go get it for ya.” Petie, Wang
Wang, and Lou weren’t really in the mood for anything cold. “We have gotten really accustomed to the
heatness of the Carnival of Fire — we’re all freezing
our asses off right now,” the trio said in unison.
Everyone exchanged a weird moment of accusing
glances. Just so you know, twigs make great steering
wheels in case you have bricks flying at your head
from an insane masoner named Wally who doesn’t
want you to smash into his carefully crafted pumpkin
collection which resembles a giant lopsided basketball. George responded, “Okay, your loss.” George
went up and ordered a parfait and a blizzard. Mark
Cuban accommodated George by making the parfait
and the blizzard, but not without a disgruntled and
forced smile. George was a sloppy eater. Even though
he was a sloppy eater, he explained the big task that
awaited Wang, Wang, Petie, and Lou. As he explained
the task, he got more ice cream on his face. As his
face continued to compile ice cream, George began to
explain what his big project was. “Well, now that I
have ice cream all over my face, I guess I’ll start
explaining what this project is all about. Basically we
have found oil in Madagascar. A lot. We need the oil
to powersurge our industrial sector. Without this oil,
the United States will go under, henceafter sparking a
severe worldwide recessionary. So, in the interests of
the world, we told the Madagascarans that there was a
new species of mutant beetles that liked to feed on
human heads. So, everyone left Madagascar. Now is
our chance to go in and extrapolite the oil. Now, I
know all about you three and your worldwide travels
over the past few years. We especially liked what you
did in the Underworld just recently in your positions
as presiding head judges. So I want to appoint you
three the heads of a temporarical Madagascaran government, which is part of Operation Horticulture.
While we occupy Madagascar, you three will comprise the highest governing body, called the Council
of Domestic Madagascaran Affairs. You have one
year to extract 9 million tons of oil and secretly ship it
to a location which will be disclosed at a later date.
Every four months, your shipment of 3 million tons
should arrive at this location. Your budget is not limitlessful, but we are allocating several billion dollars to
your project. However, keep in mind that all banks,
grocery stores, whorehouses and gas stations are
vacant because literally no one occupies the island at
this point. We will ship you necessarity goods and
equipment when we deem it necessary. You are to sail
to Madagascar tomorrow morning on the U.S.S.
Essessess. On your journey, you are to bring clothes,
tents, duct tape, a life-size chess board, baked beans,
our fully-assembled oil drills, and the step-by-step
instructionalisms on how to use them properly once in
Madagascar. We will also send with you the Florida
football team, since they are a good-for-nothing group
that can only be expected to be big and fat and also to
be good at exporting oil. You are to keep all information about Operation Horticulture in the highest of
secrecyness, because exposing the fact that we are
extracting oil from Madagascar and not our own soil
would prove deadly to my administration and also to
the world economy. Upon completionedness of your
task, you will be given a sum of no less than $3 million per person. That’s $1 for every ton of oil you
ship. Do you accept?” Wang Wang, Petie, and Lou
were flattered and immediately took the job. The next
morning, they arrived at the D.C. port and boarded the
U.S. Essessess. As they began sailing toward
Madagascar, Wang Wang got out his new $5,000 laptop from the government and outlined his plan for the
first four months...
Wang Wang had typed “Month one: AKA
Oiltransportuarytember.” Then he didn’t know what to
do next, so he began to procrastinate. He played a few
games of Snood but was not able to beat the evil
level, so he got upset and threw his laptop into the
ocean. After the computer splashed into the oceany
blue, a man came out from around the corner. The
man was dressed in a black suit and had black sunglasses on, despite the fact that it was night time, even
though it was just said that it was morning. The man
approached Wang Wang and said, “Hello Mr.
Antzelberry. My name is Captain Overboard. I’ll be
assisting you on your way down to Sierra Leone.”
Wang Wang was confused and explained to Captain
Overboard that his name was not Mr. Antzelberry but
was instead Wang Wang. Also, he was not going to
Sierra Leone but Madagascar. Captain Overboard
shouted obscenities and explained they had the wrong
guy. They turned around and returned to turn towards
the direction towards Washington D.C. They got to
the port and got on the right boat. Wang Wang sat outside on the boat in his Speedo sipping on butterscotch
schnapps when a man came from around the corner.
The man was dressed in a black suit and had black
sunglasses on. The man approached Wang Wang and
said, “Hello Mr. Antzelberry II. My name is Captain
Overboard II. I’ll be assisting you on your way down
to Madagascar.” Wang Wang got disturbed. He
explained that he was not Mr. Antzelberry II. He was
told by President Bush to go to Madagascar, and he
did not understand what was going on. He also wondered if hot lesbians masturbated to themselves when
they looked at their naked bodies in the mirror. But
most of all he wanted to know what was going on.
Captain Overboard II did not know what was going
on either. He called the President and asked if he
knew what was going on. President Bush explained
that he was confused. He thought the people he talked
to were all members of the Antzelberry family and not
Wang Wang, Lou, and Petie. Oh well, no matter.
Wang Wang, Lou, and Petie could go hold down the
fort at Madagascar while they waited for the
Antzelberry to arrive. Wang Wang had a question for
President Bush before Captain Overboard II hung up
the phone. Wang Wang asked President Bush why
they felt the need to sail to Madagascar. After all, it is
the 21st century. You know, it has been a long time
since Pietro Lorenzetti died. They could probably just
fly. President Bush then didn’t say anything for a
moment. Then he coughed and mumbled something
quickly and quietly and hung up. About three months
later the group arrived in Madagascar and they were
shocked to discover...
that President Bush, while they had been sailing, had left a note on the beach. In the sand, the
President had written with his feet: “WHEREMYOLLATYOUFIRED.” No one knew the meaning of this
maddening collaboration of letters. Clearly, President
Bush was on a different plane of intelligence than
these mere mortals. But Lou figured out what many
experts believed impossible to decipher. He explained
that President Bush had misspelled ‘oil’ and had
meant to say, “Where my oil at? You fired.” Wang
Wang was relieved. But then he was not relieved. He
realized that this was all President Bush’s fault. Wang
Wang decided to send President Bush a telegram.
Then Wang Wang realized they weren’t living in
medieval times and also that he still had Mathilde’s
cell phone, so he used it. “Hi. President Bush? You
made us sail. Yeah, that’s correct. It took us three
months to get here. So it’s your fault you don’t have
your oil. What’s that? Oh yeah, right. Uh-huh. Okay,
will do. Yep, sounds like a plan. Ostriches? Okay
sure. Yeah I got it. Uh-huh. No problem. Hmmmm.
Yeah I can do that. You know me, George. I’d rather
not go that far. Okay then. Yes, we tried, but—. Oh, I
understand. Really? Hahahahahaha. Yes, yes, I know,
I got it. Oh, yeah I know. Yep, got that right here.
Maybe in the future. Three, why do you ask? Well,
that would be correct, yes. Rochester, uh-huh. You
don’t? I see. No, we won’t do anything you wouldn’t
do. Okay, sounds good. Yep. Uh-huh. Right-e-o. Yep.
Bye-bye George.” Petie was dumbfounded. “What the
fuck was that all about? What’s going on?” Wang
Wang sighed. “Okay. First I confirmed that he made
us sail by saying ‘Yeah, that’s correct.’ Then he said
‘Okay, fine. I will give you an extension,’ so I said
‘What’s that?’ because I thought he said ‘attention.’
And he said, ‘No, I said extension— on the oil contract. I’ll give you the whole year to make one big
shipment instead of three small ones.’ So I said ‘Oh
yeah, right.’ And he goes, ‘Understand the new contract?’ And I said ‘Uh-huh.’ George then said
‘Remember. One big shipment. Be sure to deliver it to
my garage.’ So I said, ‘Okay will do.’ Then he said,
‘My underground garage in Texas.’ So I said, ‘Yep,
sounds like a plan.’ Then George told me I’d recognize the house and the garage because of all the
ostriches around. So I said ‘Ostriches?’ And George
confirmed this. So I said, ‘Okay sure.’ Then he said,
‘Don’t forget. I want my oil in nine months. You’ve
already wasted three.’ So I said, ‘Yeah I got it.’
George told me that he had just brushed his teeth and
that he was about to eat some vegetable lasagna.
Making conversation, I said, ‘Uh-huh.’ George asked
me if he he could cook me some of his famous vegetable lasagna once I got back to the States. So I said,
‘No problem.’ He asked me if i liked mushrooms or
broccoli in my lasagna better. I didn’t know at the
time, so I said, ‘Hmmmm.’ George demanded I figure
out which one I preferred. So I said, ‘Yeah, I can do
that.’ George asked how I was liking the Madagascar
weather. So I said, ‘You know me, George.’ Then
George said, ‘Once you get all the oil out of
Madagascar, how about going to some small Japanese
islands for me?’ So I said, ‘I’d rather not go that far.’
But George insisted and said, ‘I own the best little
whorehouse in Texas, Wang Wang.’ So I said, ‘Okay
then.’ Then he said, ‘Now, remind me again, why do I
have no oil yet?’ So I said, ‘Yes we tried, but—’
George interrupted. ‘Oh, yeah I made you sail. You
understand, airplanes are so ... well they’re airplanes.’
So pretending to be sympathetic, I said, ‘Oh, I understand.’ George then told me he had a fear that one day
he’d stick a bunch of pencils up his ass. So I said,
‘Really?’ George told me that Andrew Jackson had
done it many times. So I said, ‘Hahahahahaha.’
George reverted back to the oil. ‘Now remember, nine
million tons in nine months from today.’ So I said,
‘Yes, yes, I know, I got it.’ George told me to be wary
of the tsunamis. So I said, ‘Oh, yeah I know.’ He
asked me then if I had brought along the life-size
chess board. So I said, ‘Yep, got that right here.’ He
asked me if we had played a game yet. So I said,
‘Maybe in the future.’ George then asked, ‘What’s
your favorite number?’ So I said, ‘Three, why do you
ask?’ George replied, ‘Well, Wang Wang, I’ve been
having trouble with my math homework lately. Does
three times three equal nine?’ So I said, ‘Well, that
would be correct, yes.’ George then changed topics.
‘Do you know where the last legalized witch hunt
was? Rochester, New York!’ So I said, ‘Rochester, uhhuh.’ He said he didn’t believe in witches. ‘You
don’t?’ I asked. ‘Not at all. Brooms can’t fly by themselves, so why would they work when a human commands it to?’ I thought about his logic for a moment.
‘I see,’ I said. George have me a brief motherly lecture. ‘No we won’t do anything you wouldn’t do,’ I
said. ‘Remember not to eat the insects on the island,’
said George. So I said, ‘Okay, sounds good.’ George
said, ‘Take care.’ I said, ‘Yep.’ Then he said, ‘And
wear your suntan lotion.’ Eager to get off the phone, I
said, ‘Uh-huh.’ George continued. ‘Don’t come back
without the oil.’ I responded by saying ‘Right-e-o.’
George said, ‘I’ll see you in nine months.’ So I said,
‘Yep.’ He said, ‘With the black stuff.’ I was sick of
him, so I said ‘Bye-bye George,’ and hung up.” A
pause. “Oh,” said Petie. Since they were now on the
island, everyone decided to get to work. Wang Wang
ordered the Florida football players to...
go fuck each other like the losers that they
were. They got insulted and jumped on the back of a
bunch of Madagascaran gators and swam back to the
dirty ass stankhole that is Gainesville, Florida. Then
they started crying because Steve Spurrier left them to
become a monumental failure, and some tool from
New Orleans came to drive their precious little football program into the ground. Then they got help from
ex-Gator Jabar Gaffney on how to steal from other
player’s lockers, and after they got caught by the
police, they took their visors and threw them to the
ground like stupid ass fairies. When they got to jail,
immediately love-hungry criminals from all over anally raped them for hours. Back on Madagascar, trouble
was afoot. There was a big argument between Petie,
Wang Wang, and Lou. Lou was upset that Wang Wang
was the most important person of the three. Petie was
upset that he wasn’t a person and had yet to evolve
opposable thumbs. Wang Wang was pissed that his
superiority was being threatened. Lou opened by
claiming, “The fact that you obviously think you’re
more important than us obviously proves that you
obviously have a tiny penis and try to overcompensate
by being a fucking jackass. Why don’t you just go to
hell, fucknuts?” Wang Wang was taken aback and
countered with his own insult. “Hey cuntbags. Why
don’t you just go fuck your mom? Leave me alone.
I’m trying to run my life. The last thing I need is
some retarded camera man and a fucking giant ass
flying raccoon following me around everywhere.”
Lou reminded Wang Wang that they had the same
mom, so his comment was bad, and this is when Petie
finally spoke up. “Hey dipfucks! Do you even see me
here? I’m a fucking raccoon. You guys think you have
room to complain? Well, fuck you guys. Fuck you and
your opposable thumbs. If I wasn’t a fucking raccoon,
I’d kick the shit outta you and take over the world. I
already tried that once, and I would have been successful if that highway shithead hadn’t shot me in the
genitals. Do you guys have any idea how we’re going
to complete our newest mission? You can’t carry 9
million fucking tons of oil in a canoe. Why don’t you
guys get your head out of your asses and try to figure
out what we’re going to do?” Quickly Wang Wang
responded. “You know Petie? It’s times like this that I
realize that if you couldn’t fly, I would have put a
shotgun in your mouth a long fucking time ago. Your
only asset to the world is that you can fly. You are a
horribly worthless being. I hope when you die, you
rot in hell with this cock gobbler over here,” Wang
Wang said while pointing to Lou. Basically out of
nowhere, these guys were all pissed at each other and
they started going at it. Petie took his tail and
whacked Wang Wang and Lou damn near into the
Indian Ocean. Wang Wang grabbed a seashell that he
found on the beach and heaved it at Petie’s head. As
Petie’s head began oozing blood uncontrollably, Wang
Wang briefly chuckled and then turned his attention to
Lou. Wang Wang grabbed a stick and jammed it into
Lou’s jugular, and he nearly died. Just before he died,
Doogie Howser, M.D. came out of the woods and
saved Lou’s life. As Lou was thanking Doogie for
saving his life, Doogie was explaining that after his
horribly worthless TV show was cancelled, he was
kicked out of his house because everyone said he was
a gigantic loser, and he was forced to live alone in the
jungle of Madagascar. He was thrilled to finally see
people again. Then Wang Wang grabbed his rocket
launcher out of his pocket and blew Doogie’s head
off. Lou was upset that Wang Wang just killed the guy
that saved his life and was about to attack Wang
Wang, but then realized that he shouldn’t get up
because he had lost a lot of blood. Word had gotten to
the United States of this battle and President Bush
took Air Force One to Madagascar immediately to
solve this problem. Wang Wang told him to leave, but
instead a tank came and ran over his legs. Before long
Petie, Wang Wang, and Lou were all passed out on the
beach of Madagascar. They went to the Madagascar
National Hospital to get better. When they were all
healthy again...
their year to extract the oil had passed. By
then, George had done the whole damn task himself.
He was very bitter at Wang Wang, Petie, and Lou for
failing him miserably. Luckily, since the terrible trio
had been in the hospital for nearly 10 months recovering, they had worked out their differences. Now they
had to unite against George, because George had thoroughly embarrassed them for 10 months, using any
media means available to him (i.e. everything) to
make Wang Wang, Petie, and Lou look like fools.
George hosted a full-hour weekly TV show called
“Wang Wang, Petie, and Lou suck” on NBC, since
NBC desperately needed shows after losing every
worthwhile sport known to man to other networks.
George would often run clips of him wandering aimlessly around the streets of Cleveland, Ohio, passing
out pamphlets about why Wang Wang, Petie, and Lou
were worthless. Even though the show got horribly
pathetic ratings, George used to be the President of
the United States, so he can do whatever the fuck he
wants. However, NBC pulled the show after they told
George that their antenna satellite receptor thing was
broken, which wasn’t true, but they had to tell a lie to
George, who was gullible enough to believe it.
Besides TV, George embarrassed our heroic trio in the
newspapers, the magazines and the Internet for 10
months. His influence over the entire world was so
controlling that he was able to damage Wang Wang,
Petie, and Lou’s reputations forever — or so it
seemed. Wang Wang, Petie, and Lou, now out of the
world-renowned Madagascar hospital, couldn’t get
shit done because everyone in the world thought they
were losers who couldn’t complete a job when the
President of the United States asked them to. They
first thought about suing George for libel, but that
wouldn’t be very easy, because Wang Wang, Petie,
and Lou were public figures. And, as everyone knows,
the U.S. Supreme Court holds that public figures must
prove malice to win a libel action, which of course
means that Wang Wang, Petie, and Lou would have to
show that the defamatory statements made by George
were made with the knowledge that the statements
were false, or, that there was reckless disregard of
whether the statements were false. Instead, Wang
Wang, Petie, and Lou decided to rip George’s new oil
business monopoly a new ass hole. By this time,
George had served his two terms as president and had
gone back to his ostrich farm in Texas, freshly
equipped with the 9 million tons of oil from
Madagascar. He now had a worldwide monopoly on
oil, dubbed “George’s Gooey Gas.” His prices were
always one-tenth of a cent lower than the lowest
price. Wang Wang, Petie, and Lou decided to attack
George publicly on several valid points. The gang
overtook the CNN Center in Atlanta by threatening
giant raccoon shit all over the place if they weren’t
obeyed. Wang Wang went on the air. “Hello world.
Okay, now when I am on the right side of this desk,
which will be your left side as viewers at home— I’ll
be me, Wang Wang. But when I roll over to this
side— your right side— I’ll talk in a high voice and
be Ex-President George Bush. Okay? Okay, here
goes. ‘Hi George fucker Bush. How are you doing?’
‘Well, I’m-a doing just great Wang Wang. You really
dicked me over in that oil project a while back.’ ‘Ah
yes, I am sorry about that George. Did you ever tell
the public that you LIED to Madagascar about the
beetles just to STEAL their oil?’ ‘Well, no, of course
not. I would be in big trouble if the WHOLE
WORLD found out about the details of that projectism.’ ‘Why, yes, George you would. That would be
terrible. So tell me. Now that you kept all 9 million
tons of oil to yourself and you are an ass hole, what
have you been doing with yourself lately?’ ‘Well,
Wang Wang, I have started my own oil company
called George’s Gooey Gas.’ ‘You mean oil monopoly.’ ‘Well, sure. I have the lowest prices on earth.’
‘Naturally. I mean it must be hard setting those bargain prices when you STOLE all the oil.’ ‘Well, I am
certainically proud of my company. We’ve been doing
real well-like.’ ‘You know what I find to be bullshit?
Why do all the oil companies, or MONOPOLIES, in
your case, list the price up to the tenths digit? Who
really gives a shit? We don’t have tenths of a cent in
our currency.’ ‘Well, I always set my prices one-tenth
of a cent lower to give everyone the lowest prices.’
‘And I think that’s bullshit, George. Basically, what
you’re saying to the customer is — hey! If you pump
ten gallons of my gas, you’ll save one cent! That’s
fucking retarded.’ ‘Well, I never saw it from that
angular, Wang Wang. Thanks for pointing that out.
And thanks for pointing out the facts about the secret
MADAGASCAR OIL SCANDAL and also my
MONOPOLY,’” Wang Wang emphasized. The CNN
broadcast was enormously effective, and Wang Wang,
Petie, and Lou were once again hailed as international
heroes for exposing the evil people of the world. The
next day, when the federal authorities came to arrest
George...
said he could. He would need some help from Wang
Wang, Lou, and Petie. He told George he needed to...
he was gone. The federal authorities panicked
because their man was missing. Quickly, they realized
that he was just playing on the swingset in the backyard the whole time, and they just didn’t see him.
They approached George and said, “Mr. President,
you’re under arrest for your participation in the
Madagascar Oil Scandal.” George put his head down
and said, “Fuck.” He then looked up at the authorities
and asked for a second before they put the cuffs on.
“Just let me do one thing. Look how far I can jump
off the swing when I go real far in a fast-like way. I’m
a good swing doer. Okay, let me just reach a level of
optimum heightness of swingery... and, I’m ready.
One... two... four!” With this, George flew off the
swing and landed about four feet away. “Wowzee!
Whew! That was a good one. Haha. Spectanfabular.
Okay. Take me away boys.” George hopped in the cop
car and off they went. Actually, that’s a lie. He didn’t
hop in the car. They did that thing where as he got in
the car they put their hands on his head to make sure
that he wouldn’t hit his head on the door. But, regardless off they were to headquarters. They got there and
George went through Door A to a smoky room with
two filthy detectives. They stood up and yelled at
George who was seated in a chair across the table.
They told him to leave and head into the room
through Door B into the second interrogation room.
George entered the room and all lights were off. He
ran his hand across the wall looking for the
lightswitch and after about 15 minutes, he found it. As
the light went on, Wang Wang, Lou, and Petie all
jumped out from behind the cabinet and yelled,
“SURPRISE!!!” George had a good laugh and asked
the trio if this whole thing had just been a joke. Wang
Wang explained that this “Surprise” thing was a joke,
but the rest of it was real. Next thing George knew, he
was locked up in a jail cell with a heterosexual man in
jail for armed robbery named Jim Jim Clutchmeyer.
George couldn’t believe what was happening and
decided to do something about it. “This ridiculosity
must end now. The antifairness of this is horribular. I
want my lawyer.” With those words, Mighty Mouse
showed up. As was mentioned earlier, Mighty Mouse
was a lawyer and he was George Bush’s lawyer.
George asked if Mighty could help him, and Mighty
collect all of the oil specimens remaining on
Bush’s ostrich farm. Mighty told George that he
hoped that he could come up with some big bullshit
defense about how it wasn’t even really oil that
George had stolen. However, George pointed out that
it really was oil that he had stolen from Madagascar,
because over 3 million customers can’t be wrong. “It
would be one thing if there were reports from New
Jersey about a family who had purchaseteered
George’s Gooey Gas only to find out later that it was
a bunch of black paint and their car didn’t run properliness. But nothing like that happened. All the oil and
gas that I stole was real, and I had a monopoly.”
Mighty saw the futileness of this defense. Then he
suggested mistaken identity. “Wang Wang, Petie and
Lou might have thought that you told them to do this
big project, but they were wrong. It was another guy
who looks exactly like you and has all of your connections by which to export the oil.” George pondered
this for a moment. “You mean someone who looks
like me and would have had all that equipment at his
fingertips? Well, it’s not true. I am guilty of this
whole thing. I’m in deep shit. But, I wonder if this
could work. Have you ever heard of George Bush,
Sr.?” Mighty clicked his fingers in exultation. “That’s
it! We’ll blame the whole thing on your dad. He looks
like you, has the same name, and is also a former
president. He framed you!” Young George loved the
idea. “Sounds great. When do we go to court? I am
dying to get out of here and lock up my dad’s ass.”
Mighty said he would have to contact his main three
witnesses: Wang Wang, Petie, and Lou. If he could
rattle them on the stand and convince the jury beyond
a reasonable doubt that it might not have been Dubya,
he’d be home free. Mighty called up the trio. But the
line was busy. In such a catastrophic moment, Mighty
elected to use the last of his three wishes from the
genie in his magic lamp. Mighty wished for...
the line not to be busy anymore. So, he called
back but the line was still busy. With that, Mighty
threw the worthless magic lamp out of the cell. The
lamp bounced off the ground then off the wall opposite the cell, and it jumped up to the ceiling. It then hit
the ground and hopped back up toward the cell. As it
was ascending back up toward the cell, it happened to
find its way into the lock and it unlocked the door.
The door popped open and it seemed as though the
whole plan they had just developed would be unnecessary. They ran out of the cell and busted outside.
They had escaped! They wanted to spread the good
word to their friends, so they went looking for Wang
Wang, Petie and Lou. They knew that if they had
some free time they could only be in one place: the
local gay bar. Now, Mighty Mouse said they don’t go
to the gay bar because they are gay. They just go to
the gay bar for the nice decorum on the walls. They
arrived at the gay bar (which Mighty Mouse was able
to find easily) and looked for Wang Wang, Petie and
Lou. Mighty Mouse approached the bar and summoned the bartender. “Mighty! Welcome back! Would
you like the usual?” “No thanks Julius,” Mighty
responded. “I was just wondering if you knew where
Wang Wang, Petie and Lou are. Do you have any
idea?” “No, I’m sorry Mighty. You might as well hang
out here for a while. Who is your friend?” Mighty
introduced President Bush and then asked George if
he would like to stay, considering they had no idea
where Wang Wang, Petie and Lou were if they
weren’t at the gay bar. George responded by saying
that he’d rather not stay and not only that, but he
believed that the three guys had never actually been to
a gay bar. Mighty looked up to the left and said he
didn’t know what George was talking about. At this
point, our heros were lost. There is only one person in
the world that would know where these guys are.
Well, maybe there’s more than one, but there’s at least
one that would know for sure. That one guy was, of
course...
Mr. Fancypants. Mr. Fancypants is, after all,
Mr. Fancypants. Mr. Fancypants knows everything. I
mean, come on, his name is Mr. Fancypants. With a
name like Mr. Fancypants, you’d expect Mr.
Fancypants to know everything, right? You better
believe that’s right, because his name is Mr.
Fancypants, god damn it. Mr. Fancypants is a camera
man by day, and an aging father by night. Put those
two together and who do you have? You guessed it,
Frank Stallone. Just kidding. Actually you have Wang
Wang and Lou’s father, whom we neglected to give
him an actual name until now. So, as you know, Mr.
Fancypants was a camera man. He just so happened to
be so incredibly adept on all facets of the camera that,
being the normal father that he was, he instilled lifelong mini-cameras on his two sons when they were
born, so that he would know where they are at all
times, just in case he needed them to do some heavy
lifting or something. George and Mighty decided to
go to Mr. Fancypants’ home to find out where Wang
Wang and Lou were. And Petie, too, if possible.
George called up his CIA buddy, Wilhelm, and got the
address of Mr. Fancypants: 2180 Cattle Drive;
Memphis, Tenn. George realized he couldn’t be seen
in public, because he was supposed to be in jail. So he
and Mighty decided to make it a road trip from Dallas
to Memphis. It just so happens that they got stuck on
the pathetic one-lane highway in Arkansas behind a
truck that was towing one of those ridiculously large
quasi-mobile homes that no one ever actually intends
to move from state to state but you see them on the
highway anyway with the big yellow signs, and
everyone goes, “Hey look, someone’s moving their
house on wheels.” Mighty got some balls though and
passed the damn people and gave them the bird as
they passed. The guy in the truck stared back for a
second and then gave Mighty a huge thumbs-up to go
along with a friendly smile. Aha! He had used the oldest trick in the book. The best way to make a pissed
off man look like an idiot is to give him a huge
thumbs up and a smile. Mighty frowned and stepped
on the gas. They still had an hour to go to Memphis.
Finally, the highway opened up a little bit. But then
all the slow drivers kept hanging out in the left lane,
which is really annoying. To all drivers out there: if
you’re driving, especially on the highway, and you’re
not passing anyone, get the hell out of my way and
stay in the far right lane. It makes everything much
easier and everything flows better. It’s really annoying
when you slow asses clutter the highway. So Mighty
kept weaving in and out of both lanes, passing old
grandmas and more than a few low-riding Cadillacs.
Then came the trend of the 25 trucks running back-toback. Every two miles or so, one of the trucks decided
that the truck in front of him was going too slow, so
he got in the left lane and tried to speed up. After
about a mile of not speeding up, he would give up and
move back over. After passing all the trucks in no less
than 30 minutes, Mighty encountered a really slow
Honda Civic in the left lane, going about 45 miles per
hour. First of all, anyone going under 60 on the high-
way should be exiled. Second of all, if you are going
slow, must I repeat? Get to the right lane, dammit!
Mighty started to pass him, but as he did, the Civic
started to speed up. This is another annoying habit
that many drivers tend to have. Don’t speed up while
I try to pass you, fucker. The Civic accelerated to 90,
leaving Mighty in the dust. Mighty was pissed, so he
decided to turn on some music. He got out his CD
collection case and looked through it. George yelled,
“Look out!” Mighty was suddenly driving through a
cotton field. “Woops, I guess I wasn’t paying attention
while I was driving and veered off the highway. I just
wanted to find a good CD, ya know.” George agreed.
Everyone knows that it’s not important to pay attention while you drive. Other things are much more
important while you are in a car, such as putting on
your makeup, picking the perfect CD or radio station,
or catching up with family members on your cell
phone. By all means, don’t watch the road. Mighty
Mouse swerved back onto the highway and then
resumed his search. Finally he found his Elvis CD.
“This will get us in the mood for Memphis.” Soon,
George and Mighty were singing along to such Elvis
hits as “Hound Dog” and “Heartbreak Hotel.” They
crossed over the I-40 bridge, and into Memphis they
came. They saw the Pyramid and the recently-built
NBA stadium and also the country’s finest Triple A
Ballpark— Autozone Park. Downtown Memphis was
really great, Mighty and George thought. Even some
of the housing developments around the downtown
area were great. If they owned a house in Memphis
and had a friend from Omaha, Nebraska, they would
surely invite that imaginary friend from Omaha to
come visit them for a few days that summer. But
unfortunately, they didn’t have a downtown Memphis
house or a friend in Omaha, although George and
Mighty both thought that it would be cool to have a
friend from Omaha someday. They put it on their
“Things to Do List.” Next, the dastardly dynamic duo
drove over to Mr. Fancypants’ house. He lived in midtown Memphis by the world-famous Corky’s
Barbecue restaurant. Mighty and George now faced a
stunning dilemma: should they first go to Mr.
Fancypants’ crib to try to locate their three witnesses,
or should they satisfy their yearning hunger for ribs?
Chapter 25
No
George and Mighty got lost and ended up in
Tuscaloosa. At this time, Wang Wang, Lou, and Petie
were hungry and lonely and wanted to find Mr.
Fancypants. They decided to head to Mr. Fancypants’
crib to see if he wanted ribs as well. They arrived at
his doorstep and the light turned on. After two seconds of standing there, Petie figured Mr. Fancypants
was not at home, so he suggested they leave to get
their ribs. As he was explaining his recommendation,
Mr. Fancypants arrived and they all sat down in his
living room. When Petie was done explaining that
they should leave because Mr. Fancypants would
never arrive, Wang Wang asked Mr. Fancypants if
he’d like to go get ribs. Mr. Fancypants explained that
he could not get ribs because he was a vegetarian.
Instead, he would go in his backyard and eat grass.
Lou told him that was stupid and that instead of eating grass, he should eat delicious pigs. Mr.
Fancypants realized that his being a vegetarian was an
ill-founded decision based on a complete lack of
knowledge of the idea of the food chain and perhaps
human beings could recognize their superiority over
pigs and eat them. They all went to Corky’s and ate
their fill of delicious baby back ribs. Soon after eating
the ribs, Mr. Fancypants had a heart attack and died.
Perhaps he would have been better off eating grass.
Wang Wang and Lou were less than devastated about
his death, because he had been a rotten father and he
had a tendency to jaywalk. Bastards like him need to
be put away anyway. Now nothing was going on, and
they were all pretty bored. There was only one thing
that could cure their boredom. You guessed it, Frank
Stallone. So as the gang was driving on a highway
through a field of wheat, Frank Stallone came down
from the skies in a spaceship. Frank Stallone created a
quick crop circle in the field and jumped back in the
spaceship, preparing to fly away. Little did Frank
Stallone know, however, that our heroic trio (who
from now on will be known as the Little Opulent
Souls Eternally Remembering Sagittarius, or the
LOSERS for short) saw Frank Stallone’s work. “Hey,
Frank Stallone! Halt! I know what you are up to! You
are the one responsible for all the crop circles.” Frank
Stallone replied, “Maybe so, but good luck proving it.
I am going to fly off now in my spaceship. Unless
that giant, winged raccon can fly, I highly doubt you
can catch me.” Frank Stallone then hopped in the
spaceship and flew off. The LOSERS were quite disappointed at this time. Frank Stallone was responsible
for the crop circles, but they could not prove it unless
they could catch him. They could not catch him
unless Petie could fly. After sulking for a few seconds, Petie remembered that he actually could fly. The
LOSERS rejoiced. However, by this time, Frank
Stallone was gone. They had to catch him yet again,
and that could not be easy as Frank Stallone is not an
easy man to find. They had to come up with a plan,
however, and this, the LOSERS were able to do. The
LOSERS decided the first step would be to...
go back to college to learn about Frank
Stallone and how you could catch him. But upon
returning to Florida International University, Wang
Wang, Petie and Lou found out that they had flunked
out because they hadn’t been to class in almost two
years. They decided to re-enroll, but then they found
out that they had lost their scholarships. Without
money to pay for school, the trio decided to screw
college once and for all. Mighty and George, meanwhile, were driving all over the South and had just so
happened to end up in Miami, Fla., where our trio was
hanging out near the college. Mighty explained to the
trio that he needed them to appear in court, and he
had the subpoena to prove it. George chimed in with
something about his love for the word “buttons.”
Wang Wang gave him a strange stare and that looked
at Mighty, scratching his head. He didn’t want to go
to court. He decided to divert Mighty’s attention by
pointing out the pickle stand across the way. “Look!
Playboy Pickles for sale! And they’re selling like hotcakes!” Mighty stopped Wang Wang in his tracks
right there. “Wang Wang, stop right there. What the
fuck are hotcakes? That expression makes no sense.
Have you ever been walking down a street when all
of the sudden, you see hoards of people crowding
around one vendor, who is selling hotcakes and making a fortune? No. Hotcakes don’t exist. Hot and cake
don’t really mix. So hotcakes wouldn’t sell very well.
I’ve never seen a damn hotcake stand. Anyhow, let’s
go buy a Playboy Pickle.” Wang Wang smiled and
gave his old pal a firm pat on the back. The fearsome
fivesome strolled over to the pickle stand. The sun
was out and not a cloud was in the sky. It was a
warm, pleasant day, and it made Lou wonder why the
hell anyone would go to college in a cold weather climate area, like Ohio or Minnesota. On the way over
to the pickle stand, King Kong picked up Mighty and
ate him raw. The now fearsome foursome trudged on
in their quest for glory. “Hi, welcome to the Playboy
Pickle stand,” said the short, obnoxiously red-headed
man with a very large, curly mustache. He was wearing red-and-white pinstripe pants with a loosely-buttoned red shirt that was much darker than his red
pants. His teeth were like the color of a very old and
rotting newspaper. A curious, yet quiet and very still,
squirrel perched on his shoulder. Next to the dirty
man stood a knockout blonde who had probably
posed for the magazine recently. Petie was immediately interested in purchasing a Playboy Pickle. The redheaded man with the squirrel announced that if Petie
bought a Playboy Pickle for $25, he’d get a free magazine as well. Petie reached into his ass, since he had
no pockets, and pulled out the cash and made the
exchange with the red-headed merchant. Petie then
fondled his pickle in one hand while perusing the
magazine in the other. George yelled out that the
Playboy Pickles were “buttons,” and Lou slapped
George across the face, but all George did was continue to smile. They continued to stroll along Main
Street, and George pointed out that he thought Lou’s
shirt was “buttons.” Lou was catching on now.
“Thanks, George. You know I’ve always liked your
flashy maroon shoes with the banana peels as
shoelaces. Those are buttons, dude.” George smiled.
George had been smiling all day long. Wang Wang
turned around and saw that the squirrel from the redheaded man was following them. Why couldn’t the
knockout blonde follow them? The squirrel jumped
up and bit Wang Wang on the ass. “Here’s your free
pickle, birthday boy,” he said. Wang Wang thanked
the little squirrel but then scolded him for biting him
in the ass. Suddenly all of Main Street turned into a
wild parade. “Happy Birthday Wang Wang!” yelled
Lou and Petie, Wang Wang’s oldest and dearest
friends in the world. George took advantage of the situation by mingling in with the crowd and disappearing. George decided not to blame the oil scandal on
his dad. He also decided to leave the trio and start life
anew as the mascot for Florida International. He
would go on to be the greatest Golden Panther mascot
there ever was. But after 15 years of being the
school’s mascot, George became frustrated. The
Golden Panthers hadn’t been to the tournament in his
reign. In fact, they hadn’t been since 1995, their only
trip ever to the Big Dance. So one time, FIU made it
to the Sun Belt title game. With five seconds left, the
Golden Panthers were up by two against South
Alabama, the best three-point shooting team in the
country. George, the ill-fated mascot, feared that
South Alabama would make a three and stop Florida
International from going to the tournament once
again. So George interfered, running out onto the
court and tackling three of the Jaguar players the final
five seconds. The referees called a technical foul
against George and Florida International, and South
Alabama won the game because of that. George was
exiled to an undisclosed area in Wisconsin and was
never allowed to be a mascot again. But back to Wang
Wang’s birthday. Wang Wang was happy and was
ready to celebrate his birthday. “This party is buttons,
guys! Thanks!” Then a feeling of oozy oddness came
over Wang Wang. How old was he? He hadn’t celebrated a birthday in years. Or weeks? Or hours? Or
buttons? Or centuries? Wang Wang suddenly remembered his journey on the boat from North Korea. How
old had he been then? Wang Wang turned to his brother Lou and asked...
if he would go to the red fellow and get him
another pickle. Lou was happy to help his birthday
buddy. As soon as Lou turned around Wang Wang
made a break for it. He went to run away because he
hates attention. That’s why throughout his whole life,
he hasn’t done much and has basically stayed at home
on the couch, out of the public spotlight. This whole
experience was frightening to him. As he got into an
alleyway, he ran into Kent Hrbek. Kent threw him
back in the parade, saying, “You can’t leave your own
parade, silly.” Wang Wang landed on the street and
was a little shaken up. Then an elephant stepped on
him. The paramedics rushed over to check on him.
Paramedic Cedric jumped out of the ambulence and
rushed to Wang Wang. Immediately he shouted, “OH
MY GOD! HE’S DEAD!” And that’s the end of our
story.......... or is it? If you stopped reading, shame on
you. Shame on you for two reasons. One being that
you should know the ending of this story will not be
that lame. Second of all, shame on you for stopping
reading when you can blatantly see words following
that sentence. If there are words following the sentence, I don’t see how the story can be over. You
would have to be stupid to stop reading. But if you’re
still reading, this that means you’re still reading and
therefore, I feel compelled to tell you what happened.
It ends up that Paramedic Cedric is just a silly guy.
“April Fools!” Paramedic Cedric exclaimed, shortly
after proclaiming Wang Wang’s death. “Why don’t
you get up and take a bow, son?” Paramedic Cedric
said to Wang Wang. Wang Wang whispered into
Paramedic Cedric’s ear that he was exceedingly nervous and hated drawing attention to himself. Paramedic
Cedric yelled to the crowd, “Hey everyone! Wang
Wang doesn’t want to be noticed. Why don’t we show
him how fun it can be?! Everyone yell at him!”
Everyone did and Wang Wang instinctively jumped in
the back of the ambulance. He noticed there was no
one in the driver’s seat, so he got up there, turned on
those ambulance lights, and drove away. There were
people in the way, but no worries, he just ran over
them. He decided since he was in an ambulance, he
should go to the hospital. Once he got to the hospital
he missed his friends, so he started crying. Next there
was a tapping on the window, so Wang Wang looked
up to his left and saw...
the Florida landscape in the distance literally
rising and pushing its way toward the clouds. The
sound was like the deep rumbling of a continuous
thunderstorm which had no gaps between its mighty
roars. The ground seemed as if it was trying to grasp
some prize in the sky before it disappeared. Wang
Wang watched in awe is the ground pushed, climbed,
elevated, roared, and staggered its way higher and
higher into the horizon. Wang Wang slowly got out of
the ambulance. He saw the flashing red lights swirling
around, casting their red shadows on the hospital foreground ahead. Wang Wang realized that he could not
hear the sirens. He crawled back into the car in terror
and turned on the radio full blast. He could not hear it
either. He turned back and watched as the ground
seemed to reach its peak. Finally the noise from the
impending mountain stopped and the siren and the
radio were alive again. Wang Wang lurched into the
ambulance to turn off the deafening sounds. They
wouldn’t cooperate, so he gave up and ran inside the
hospital. Lou and Petie were waiting for him. “We’ve
got to do something! We’ve got to stop plate tectonics!” cried Petie. Lou nodded in agreement. “Wang
Wang, we were just watching the news report, and
they said that the earth’s plates have woken up from
their long deep sleep and this is their way of exercising. There have been earthquakes all over the world!
The Rocky Mountains have moved to Florida! And
the U.S. is now neighbors with China. It’s less than
100 miles off of the California coast!” Petie broke in.
“Yeah and from the southern tip of the Florida peninsula, we can walk to Africa. Everything’s all messed
up!” Wang Wang knew the world would be counting
on himself, Petie, and Lou once again. It was time to
get to work. “Okay,” Wang Wang said, “we’ve got to
put a stop to this. Let’s go talk to the North American
Plate himself. I know where he lives.” So the trio got
on Petie’s back and flew to...
Montreal just in time to hear that the Cubs lost
to the Expos 351,187,132,186,135,715-2. There was a
huge riot because the four people in the stands were
all pissed off because they did not get an equal
amount of baseballs as souvenirs from the
783,398,313,235 home runs the Expos hit. To avoid a
potentially extremely dangerous situation, they left as
soon as possible. It was a good thing too, because
those four Expos fans got really pissed off and burned
down the whole city. Montreal no longer exists. There
was much rejoicing. Next they had to figure out
where North American Plate lived. Wang Wang
claimed to know, but chances are he was just blowing
smoke up everyone’s asses. That’s because sometimes
Wang Wang is just a huge asshole. His world popularity had gone way down because he’s just a dirty liar.
After flying around in circles for seven hours, Petie
got the sense that Wang Wang is just a bastard that
was fucking with him. Turns out that Petie was dead
on balls accurate with that assessment of the situation.
Wang Wang is just a bad person. Petie then tossed
Wang Wang off his back onto the ground thousands of
feet below. Let’s continue the story presently by following the next journey for the now lonely Wang
Wang. Wang Wang was extremely lucky to survive
this fall. He happened to land on the big top at the circus. He landed on the top and then slid to the bottom.
When Wang Wang finally came to his senses, he
noticed he was laying face down on a big pile of hay.
He rubbed his eyes and turned onto his back. Wang
Wang looked up and saw a man dressed in a brown
suit with a top hat. He wore a monocle on both of his
eyes and he smoked a big giant cigar. "Rise and shine,
shitbags!" the mystery man said. "Hi, my name is
Charlie Bannister. Welcome to my circus. I have some
bad news for you though. You destroyed my big top.
You’re going to have to work off the damages." Wang
Wang turned around. "Hey, I don’t see anything
wrong with the big top." He turned to look at Charlie
Bannister who started chuckling. "Oh, Wang Wang.
You’ve been out for three months. We already got it
fixed." Wang Wang was stunned. He couldn’t imagine
that he was unconscious for three months. In fact,
there was one thing in particular that was quite disturbing. “Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you
stood there and stared at me on this hay unconscious
for three months?” Charlie looked to his left and then
quickly back to his right. “Uhhhh, I gotta go. I’m
going to have you talk to my assistant, Sinister
Bannister.” Soon another man that looked exactly like
Charlie Bannister, only 25 years younger, approached
Wang Wang. “Hello Wang Wang,” said the new man.
“My name is Sinister Bannister. I am Charlie’s son.
Some might say I look exactly like my father, only 25
years younger. That would make sense, because I
think I look like him and I am 25 years younger than
him. Anyway, what’s your story?” Wang Wang couldn’t believe what he just heard. “You don’t know what
my story is? Your dad owns this circus, and I’ve been
here unconscious for three months and you don’t
know my story? You’ve gotta be kidding.” Sinister
got upset. “Listen, I’ve been out of town on a sabbatical the last three months. Have you heard of the Corn
Palace?” Wang Wang rolled his eyes. “Just because I
don’t know your story,” continued Sinister, “does not
mean I don’t have feelings!” Wang Wang apologized
and told Sinister his story. “I see,” Sinister said.
“Well, do you have any freakish qualities? Nipples of
steel or something?” Wang Wang couldn’t think of
anything and had to reply no. “Well, here’s what
we’re going to do for you, Wang Wang. We’re going
to have you sit in that cage until you or I can figure
out what is wrong with you. At that point, we’ll let
you out and put you on display.” The guards then
showed up and they stuffed Wang Wang in the cage.
Now let’s see how the other two LOSERS are doing.
Immediately after Wang Wang was tossed off of Petie,
Petie decided he wanted a break to he landed in the
middle of a forest. Just smack dab in the middle. They
pulled a blanket and picnic basket out of the trunk of
the plane and ate ham sandwiches with potato salad
and nice cool glasses of lemonade. The two LOSERS
got to talking. Lou was curious about Petie’s background. For example, how does a raccoon get so
freaking huge? As Lou asked this question, Petie quieted and looked towards the ground. “It’s a long, personal story that I don’t like to talk about,” Petie said.
“But, you’ve grown to be a close friend to me, so you
deserve to know the truth. The truth is that both of my
parents are not raccoons. My mother was a raccoon
but my father was a cross between a hippopotamus
and a parrot. They called him a hiprot. His history is
why I can talk and fly and why I’m so big. Now, I
know what comes to mind right now. How can a
hiprot have sex with a raccoon? I think it’s a fair
enough question. Well, I will tell you that my parents
are not together. I talked to a doctor once... well,
that’s not really true. He was a veterinarian. Anyway,
I asked him, ‘Doc, how do I exist?’ He replied that he
wondered the same thing. It would be impossible for a
hiprot to mate with a raccoon. His theory was as followed, but it’s not for the faint of heart. If you don’t
want to hear something disgusting, skip a few lines in
the story... I mean, plug your ears. Here is what happened, according to my vet. He theorizes that my
father was masturbating by my mother’s home one
day. Almost immediately following this disgusting
happening my mother, well, for lack of a better
phrase, sat on it. He said it is a billion to one shot, but
it is the only possible answer. That is probably how I
exist.” Lou was clearly fascinated by the story, but he
had one question. “So, Petie, here’s my question
which I have for you. I can understand that story. That
makes sense. But how did your dad exist? I mean, a
hippo and a parrot? That’s tough to imagine also. I
could see possibly the same type of story, but if it’s a
billion to one shot, what are the chances that both
your father and you exist? I would assume that it
would be such a long shot that there is no way you
could exist.” Petie looked instantly puzzled. “My
goodness, I never thought of that. Shitballs! You
know, we used to be friends with God. How could I
not ask him that question? Awful. Terrible. What a
stupid mistake. Ridiculous.” Lou consoled Petie,
explaining he was sure they’d get another chance. As
they embraced in an emotional moment, they heard a
voice from behind saying “Hello my sons.” Lou and
Petie opened their eyes immediately and simultaneously hopefully asked “God?” The voice from behind
laughed. “Silly guys,” the voice said. “My name is
Charlie Bannister. I run a circus just over out yonder.
One thing that our circus is desparately missing is a
hiprotoon. Come with me guys.” Petie and Lou
explained that they didn’t want to be in a circus, but
they changed their minds when they saw a gun pointed in their faces. So, they walked to the circus with
guns pressing into their backs and when they arrived,
they were told to go wait in a cage. And wouldn’t you
know it, they were both in cages right by their good
ol’ buddy Wang Wang. The three had a lot of catching
up to do, and they also had to escape. To escape
they...
decided to wait until a show. Wang Wang suddenly felt his cage being picked up from behind. He
tried to weasel and squeeze his way around the cage
to see who was carrying him, but it was to no avail.
The cage was too small. Wang Wang couldn’t move
an inch. All he could see were two enormous, hairy
hands above him, which had warts all over them that
had attracted quite a population of miniature ants
around them. Wang Wang soon saw that he was being
carried over to an old-school, reddish-brown train
with exquisite, curly-Q circus lettering on it that read
“Bannister’s Circus Bazaar.” He was in the middle of
some Canadian field, and the railway line extended
for miles both ways, with nothing else in sight. The
big warty hands were soon gone, but two more cages
plopped into the dark train car next to him. Petie was
asleep in his cage, and Lou was counting the number
of buttons on his overalls. Wang Wang had never seen
him wear that outfit before. Soon, the door slammed
behind them, and everything was pitch black in the
train car. Wang Wang gripped the bars of his cage and
shook, screaming a myriad of obscenities. Petie woke
up and farted. Then he went back to sleep. Lou mumbled, “Eight, nine...” Wang Wang told him to shut up.
Suddenly there was movement. They were heading
west. The car jolted several times, but soon enough,
the train was gliding along and gaining speed. Ten
minutes went by. Silence. Lou had finished counting
long ago at 23 buttons. Petie was still asleep and
reeked of poo. Wang Wang realized he was hungry.
Another 10 minutes passed. Wang Wang tried to go to
sleep. Then a faint light appeared about five feet
away. The shadows on the wall danced around as the
flicker of light became a consistent flame. A bearded
lumberjack, at least seven feet tall, held the match in
front of his face in awe. Wang Wang noticed that the
lumberjack may not have been a lumberjack. After all,
do you really know what anyone’s occupation is when
you see them for the first time? No. I mean, this guy
could have been a rat collector, a sewage management
manager, or even a school bus driver. The large man,
whom Wang Wang believed to be a lumberjack,
coughed twice. He was still amazed at the fire he had
created. Then the large man realized he wasn’t alone
in the tram car. Something told Wang Wang that the
circus workers didn’t know that this lumberjack had
snuck onto the car. “Well hey there fellas! I’m Larry
the Lumberjack!” Wang Wang was right! He was a
lumberjack! “And this is my friend, Pinocchio the
Puppet.” Larry stuck up his right foot high in the air,
and attached to it was a wooden puppet with an
extended nose. Larry jerked his foot around violently,
thus moving the puppet. Larry pretended to be
Pinocchio, but he was a horrible ventriloquist. “Hey!
I’m Pinocchio the puppet! I live on Larry the lumberjack’s foot. I like living down here. I get to smell
Larry’s feet, and I have a long nose.” Larry bellowed
out in laughter. But Wang Wang wasn’t falling for it.
“I know your puppet isn’t real. I know it because
when you talk and your puppet talks, you both sound
the same. Plus I see your mouth moving and
Pinocchio’s mouth not moving. And why would a
wooden guy want to live on your foot?” Larry began
to sob quietly. He sniffed incessantly, trying to hold
back his snotty tears. Petie woke up. He farted again.
He squinted his eyes and looked over toward the light.
“How’s it going? Who are you? Are we there yet?”
Lou had also woken up from his nap. He was farthest
away from Larry’s corner. Petie was is the middle.
Wang Wang was on the left. Larry was also on the left
but in the back. It is important to know where they are
in the tram car. I don’t know why, but it is essential.
Lou had begun his counting fetish again. This time,
he was tallying the number of nails in the railway car.
“27, 28, 29...” Larry began to cry harder and looked
up to Petie. “Hi,” he responded between sobs. “I’m
Larry the Lumberjack, and this is my... this is my ...
Oh!” He burst into an uncontrollable wail of despair
at this point, knowing that no one would ever again
believe his story of the puppet who lived by his shoe.
Petie told him not to cry, but Larry continued. Wang
Wang let out a laugh. Larry gave him an evil look and
suddenly realized that he was seven feet tall and was
also not confined to a tiny cage like the others. He
went over to Wang Wang, picked up his cage and
turned him upside down. Wang Wang, whose cage
was the smallest of the three, couldn’t move. His head
began to swell, since he was upside down. Petie
chuckled, but did not want to receive the same fate as
his North Korean companion. Larry, who despite his
gigantic stature, is a touchy-feely kind of guy. Wang
Wang let out grunts of frustration and pain, and Larry
got all apologetic. “I am so sorry. I promise never to
hurt you again. I’m so sorry.” He turned Wang Wang’s
cage back over, and our hero let out a long sigh. Petie
introduced himself to Larry, and Lou followed suit.
Larry found Lou to be quite a funny-looking guy and
decided to pick on him. “Hi, caged-up Lou. I’m
Larry.” Lou rolled his eyes. He hated that nickname.
Petie reflected on the situation with ironical intent.
“You know, it isn’t many times in life that you are
called the same degrading nickname by two completely different people. I think that’s great, Lou.” Lou
frowned. Petie laughed. Wang Wang farted. Larry
sneezed. Petie wanted to know all about this Larry
character. “So what’s your story, Larry?”
“Well Petie, I’m glad you asked. My story is a
long and boring one. It all started on March 13, 1958.
That is the date of my initial and only birth. I was
conceived nine months earlier on the passenger seat
of a contemporary Ford Thunderbird by my parents,
Sparrow and Jed in New York City. Sparrow was a 20
year old college student at NYU who had planned to
drop out of school to move to Iowa to plant corn. Jed
was a 49 year old dirty old man whose lifelong ambition included the goal of bonking a young woman. Jed
had been posing as a homeless man on the campus
while stalking Sparrow. Sparrow, heavy hearted after
the death of her dog Philstiggrimstein, finally fell for
Jed’s begging for a meal and took him out to the
Stage Deli. Sparrow ordered a bowl of soup and
crackers while Jed ordered a big ass corned beef sandwich. They began to go to lunch every Thursday at
noon, although they decided to test different restaurants. As good as deli sandwiches are, New York is a
big city with many delicious restaurants so they
decided to go all over. They visited restaurants from
Big Tony’s Spaghetti Shack to Cannibal Jorge's House
of Hunan and enjoyed each and every one of them.
Anyway, soon the weekly lunches became more frequent. I guess technically once they became more frequent they were no longer weekly lunches. Then they
were just lunches. And then dinners. And then dinner
and a movies. And then walks in Central Park. And
the list goes on. In other words, they became closer
and closer. Eventually they became sexually active
and that is where I come in. After it was discovered
that Sparrow was pregnant with me she realized she
must scrap her plans to go to Iowa. Instead she moved
in with Jed and she dropped out of school to take care
of me while Jed built on his successful career of swindling innocent people out of their money. Soon the
60s arrived and with it the hippie revolution and my
parents were swept away by it. In other words, they
began to have unprotected sex more often, they did
many more mind altering recreational drugs, and
Sparrow let her armpit hair grow. Afterall, that’s what
being a hippie is all about. Unfortunately, being a hippie isn’t all about that. If being a hippie was all fun
and games there would be many more hippies around
today. Sparrow and Jed were hanging out with their
friends one day in 1965, dropping acid in the park
when they brought up the Wyoming Environmental
Crisis. It seems that some big corporations in
Wyoming were cutting down an extraordinate number
of trees so they could build office buildings and
power plants. Nothing was more important to these
hippies than trees in Wyoming, so they decided it was
their duty to go to Wyoming and tie themselves to the
trees to try to prevent the big corporations from cutting them down. The rest was history. As the world
knows, they were partially successful. In August of
‘65 seven hippies went to Wyoming to protest the cutting down of trees and only the child of two of the
hippies, that’s me by the way, made it out alive. See, I
was just seven years old at the time. I didn’t tie
myself up to a tree. They did. They wrongly assumed
the corporations wouldn’t cut down the trees if they
were tied to it. Instead the corporations cut down
seven trees and seven hippies that warm August afternoon. My parents died by being violently cut in half
by a machete. It was at that moment that I discovered
how much I hated trees and I wanted to dedicate my
life to destroying trees. Trees killed my parents, and I
must get my revenge. I then lived in a foster home
and I realized the first step to exacting my revenge
would be to go to lumberjack school. I studied hard
through high school and in 1975 I was accepted to the
Northern Arizona University Lumberjack school.
Imagine my disappointment when I realized that
Northern Arizona University isn’t actually a lumberjack school but instead the lumberjacks are just their
mascot. When I asked my guidance counselor about
how to become a lumberjack he replied to me by saying that lumberjacks don’t need to go to college at all
and I had wasted my life up until now. He gave me
the name of a man in Washington that could teach me
the tools of the trade. Due to my dedication and motivation within three months I was the best lumberjacker in the entire Pacific Northwest. Trees shuddered in
my presence. They had no prayer against my rage.
However, I had a problem in that my rage towards the
trees became too strong. I had difficulty channeling
my rage to the trees and instead my rage was being
felt by everything. I realized I had a problem and
needed to take an anger management class. I did not
want to dispose of my anger, I just wanted to channel
it. Soon I learned that a peaceful hobby could keep
me cool-headed during off hours and that’s when the
puppet came in. For the last 26 years I have been
working on mastering my skills as a puppeteer. If I do
not have puppeteering I fear I will become violent
again. That is why I became so distressed when you
said I suck at it. I do not want to hurt you, but it is
just in my nature if I do not have puppeteering to fall
back on. Anyway, the reason I am on this train is...
my puppet is on his last legs, so to speak.”
Lou gave Larry a long, meaningful stare. Larry continued. “He’s got cancer.” Lou still stared, he moved
his face forward and widened his eyes, as if to say
“Elaborate, assmunch.” Larry sighed in annoyance.
“Of the nose! That’s why it is so big.” Wang Wang
asked Larry if he knew about the revolutionary techniques of puppet cancer treatment. Larry said that he
did, but that that would require him actually taking
Pinocchio off of his foot. “Part of my rage complex is
that if I actually take my puppet here off my foot, I
will become enraged and choke to death the first person I see. So I can’t do the puppet cancer treatment
you’re talking of, Wang Wang. That’s why I’m on this
train. I’ve got to get to St. Paul before my Pinocchio
here dies. St. Paul is world-renowned, as you know,
for puppet cancer treatment.” Petie frowned in sadness. What an unfortunate situation. Lou stuck his
legs through the bottom of his cage, and walked awkwardly over to Larry, leaned over and gave the lumberjack a pat on the back. It was quite a moment of
bonding. But all that came to an end as the train jolted
to a stop. Petie shat in the excitement. The tram car
door burst open. The light was blinding. “Okay, we
need a long wooden shaft right now!” the man yelled.
Wang Wang started to giggle. Lou did too. Larry tried
to cough to hide his laughter. Petie turned bright red.
The man was flustered. As soon as Wang Wang could
open his eyes enough, he realized he knew this man
from before. It was the red-headed man from the pickle stand in Florida! He had the same red-and-white
pinstripe pants with his trademark squirrel perched on
his shoulder. “Wait a minute, you work for the circus?” Wang Wang asked. The red-headed man chuckled. “Always have, always will. Once a carnie, always
a carnie, son. Now where’s my long wooden shaft?”
he demanded again, losing his friendly tone of only a
few seconds before. “Charlie needs one now. We’re
going through all the tram cars to look for something
that will work. The train is stuck on a splintered jutspike on the railroad, and we need a shaft to reverse
the gap.” The red-headed man’s eyes beamed straight
at Pinocchio, specifically his long nose. “That shaft! I
need it. Give it to me now. Hand over the puppet.”
Larry stared straight-faced back like a little kid whose
toy was about to be taken away. “Now!” the carnie
yelled. Larry mumbled that the red-headed man would
be sorry. But he only held out his hand, insisting for
the puppet. Larry slowly got up. He was truly massive. The red-headed man began to tremble, but his
arm remained firm and outstretched. Larry walked
over with the puppet on his foot. The squirrel was
shaking violently in fear, sensing that something was
about to go horribly wrong. Larry stooped over to
take off the puppet and...
did a quick pump fake and ran away. Larry
refused to get his puppet taken away and he ran off
into the woods. Playboy pickle guy was shocked and
fell to his knees. Wang Wang realized at this exact
moment that his cage was actually open the whole
time. He quickly busted out and let out Petie and Lou.
The LOSERS then hurried into the forest to try to find
Larry. They were touched by his story and wanted to
help him and his puppet. The three carnie fugitives
ran through the woods, screaming, “Larry! Larry’s
puppet! Where are you? We want to help!”
Unfortunately, there was no response. They decided to
call it a night, so they pitched a tent that they found in
the forest. They realized that it’s just as good that they
didn’t find Larry, because they didn’t know where
they were anyway, so they didn’t know how they
could help. Then they all rested for some much-needed sleep. You know how much it sucks when you’re
tired as all hell and you have to go through the day
even though you really can’t? Obviously you do
because everyone experiences that. They didn’t want
to experience that the next day, so they decided to try
to get about 10 hours of sleep that night, something
some of us would just love to have a chance to get.
Unfortunately, that sleep is quite elusive and asking
for that much sleep is probably just a pipe dream. It’s
a shame, but it’s a shame that we all have to live with.
Well, actually, the people that do get plenty of sleep
do not have to live with that shame, but there are not
many people that do get that much sleep. Too fucking
bad. Anyway, they were all right, because they were
going to get the ample amount of sleep necessary. Just
thinking about sleep makes some people tired. So
they were all sleeping pleasant dreams of their lives
and having wonderful memories of the many people
they had met and left along the way. Wang Wang
wondered whatever happened with the trial between
God and Satan. Lou wondered where his good buddy
Mathilde was and how she was doing. Petie longed
for his testicles. Alas, not one of them would get the
answer they longed for in real life or even in their
dreams. You see, just as they were about to dream up
a wonderful answer to all their problems, they were
rudely awaken by a voice outside. The voice crackled
“Wang Wang, Lou, Petie. Come out. We must talk.”
The LOSERS were petrified. They didn’t know. They
also didn’t know why there are times when just nothing works. For example, you may sit down to write a
letter or a story or something, but nothing comes out.
Some might call it writer’s block. I don’t know. But
regardless, they were a little upset by a lack of things
to say, or do or anything. They couldn’t do anything
and it was annoying. So, they laid there, but the voice
persisted. Eventually, they had to see who this voice
was, from someone that obviously knew them from
before. So, one by one they went outside...
It was Charlie Bannister and his gang of evil
bastards, including Playboy Pickle man and his shoulder squirrel. Charlie threw a burlap bag over the
Working Inventors of Northkorea who Never Eat Raw
Spinach— which were of course, Petie, Wang Wang,
and Lou. They were trapped again, but this time in a
large burlap bag with a rubber band tied fiercely on
the end. Sinister Bannister threw the bag over his
shoulder and carried the trio back to the train, dragging them along the ground. They were back on the
moving train, heading for God knows where. Why
hadn’t they had a circus show yet? Meanwhile, Larry
was running desperately through the woods in a race
against time and time, too. But little did he know, the
he was actually running straight for China, since the
worldwide tectonic plate disaster thing had happened
recently. Pinocchio was running out of time. But
Pinocchio wasn’t going to die from puppet cancer. He
was actually going to die from Larry’s violent running
pattern of over 20 miles an hour. Puppets can only
have their faces stomped into the ground so many
times before they die. Can you imagine how painful it
was for Pinocchio to continually have his long, delicate nose smashed into the ground every second for
three hours? Larry finally ran into a medical clinic.
“Welcome to Shanghai. I speak English basically for
the convenience of this story. How can I help you?”
Larry tried to catch his breath and violently shook his
right foot, hoping the attendant would realize without
question that this puppet was dying. But the attendant
was catching on. Larry finally caught his breath.
“Why am I in China? Oh well, it doesn’t matter.
Pinocchio here needs help. Now! I need the cure for
puppet cancer shot!” The attendant, named Mingaling
Anderson, informed him that doctors around the
world didn’t have that cure. “Think about it numbnuts. If doctors come up with cures for diseases,
they’re useless. If there’s no sick people, then who do
they treat? Doctors can only make money when there
are sick people in the world. A cure for any disease
would be really bad for health insurance companies,
doctors, and everyone. Why do you think it’s been
over 50 years since the least disease was cured? Polio
ring a bell?” Larry was flabbergasted. Pinocchio needed urgent care. Larry decided to go find his three
loyal friends. But on his way to catch up with the cir-
cus train, three things happened...
Chapter 26
Pod System
First an angry swarm of termites caught wind
of Pinocchio running through the woods, and they
chased after Larry and Pinocchio with a vengeance.
As Larry was desparately trying to avoid the termites,
he got lost and entered in a town. As he was running
down the streets, he realized that he accidentally got
caught in the running of the bulls. So here, Larry was
trying desparately to avoid the termites and now the
bulls as well. Finally, the third thing that happened as
he was running away was that a giant land whale
named Monstro was trying to eat Pinocchio. Now
Pinocchio was being chased by a swarm of termites, a
group of angry bulls, and a giant hungry land whale.
Larry continued to run and eventually entered that big
stadium that people end up going to when they do the
running of the bulls. Larry and Pinocchio stood there
on the main stage of the coliseum looking at the
entrance. Soon the termites, bulls, and giant hungry
land whale entered. Larry was cornered and it
appeared to be the end. But it wasn’t the end. The termites entered first and immediately ate Pinocchio. So,
that was the end of the puppet. The termites weren’t
interested in Larry however, so they went off to eat
the local library. As Larry described earlier, Pinocchio
was the only thing that kept him remotely sane. Now,
without Pinocchio, Larry lost it as his emphatic wrath
returned. With supreme anger, Larry grabbed Monstro
by the tail and picked him up. He swung Monstro like
a Louisville slugger and hit all the bulls, knocking the
large beasts into the crowded stands. With the bulls
out of the way it was now a one-on-one match
between Monstro the giant land whale and Larry.
Monstro didn’t stand a chance. Larry took off his shoe
and put it in Monstro’s blow hole. Monstro then
became concerned with his inability to breathe, and as
Monstro faced this added predicament, Larry took
advantage by kicking Monstro repeatedly in the face.
Within hours, Monstro was dead. Danger now faced
the city as Larry’s rage was not quenched. While performing his own personal riot on the city, Larry yelled
and screamed for his friends that he had met on the
train not long ago. He felt they were the only ones
that truly understood him and he would not stop until
he met his friends. Unfortunately, his friends were not
there. They were...
somewhere else. So Larry was stuck in his
city, and the WINNERS — the Working Inventors of
Northkorea who Never Eat Raw Spinach — were still
on the godforsaken circus train, bowing down to the
likes of Charlie Bannister, Sinister Bannister, and the
nameless red-headed pickle squirrel man. Meanwhile,
Larry was going through the streets yelling. “Argh
baaaaah, argh baaaaah,” he screamed, terrorizing all
who lived in within the realms of the city wall.
Everyone had run into their homes but peeped out to
see the living legend that was the eight-foot tall lumberjack o’ lantern. But then Fredlicious, a neighborhood kid who liked to make lif-size boats out of plastic cups, brought up the point that the phrase “lumberjack o’ lantern” makes no sense, because it’s just a
stupid pun. So Fredlicious spread the news that the
giant’s new nickname would be “lumberjack o’ rage.”
This pleased everyone. At this point, Larry was picking up his hated trees and smashing buildings in half.
In fact, Larry was growing. He was getting bigger by
the minute. However, Fredlicious and his buddy
Tomahawk Jack formed a plan to stop the dastardly
Larry. They took a chainsaw and added their secret
potion to it to make the chainsaw really big. Then
they went outside and chopped off Larry’s lunatic
right foot which had caused his insanity. Larry fell
over, went back to normal size, which was about 7’2,”
and just went to sleep. The whole city had been
saved. Everyone exited their houses to praise the
heroic boys, but then lightning struck Fredlicious and
he died. Tomahawk Jack had been holding his friend’s
hand, so he died, too. The town was without a hero.
All the village could do was watch this large man
sleep in their street. But then everyone realized they
weren’t a village. Or a town, as was hinted by the previous two sentences. Rather, they were a city. A city
that needed some rebuilding, but nevertheless, a fine
city. I don’t remember what city it was. Let me go
check. Okay, I’m back now. Apparently, the city that
Larry had been terrorizing was, umm. Oh shit. I forgot already. Be right back okay? Hey fuckface, don’t
you go anywhere. Don’t you dare put this book down.
Keep reading ass hole. In the meantime, while I go
check on this fact, why don’t you guess what city it
is? That’ll be fun. See if you can guess. Okay, sounds
like a plan. Just give me five seconds. Okay! And the
city was Mexico City! Did you get it right? I hope so.
Okay, so Larry is sleeping in Mexico City. Some say
he is dead, but others believe that he is in a deep sleep
and will remain in that state for three to five years.
Others think he’s just really tired. Meanwhile, the
WINNERS were on the train and didn’t know where
Larry had gone. They missed him. They were also
becoming bitter toward their captors. Soon the train
pulled into an early 1900s-looking station. Charlie
opened up the hatch and again, the light was blinding.
A locomotive whistle hooted three times. Women in
long, elegant dresses and lightly-colored fans passed
by. Wang Wang and Lou’s clothes were tattered, and
Petie had a leash on him. Everything had transformed.
Charlie wore a sly smile on his face. He gave them a
wink, snapped his fingers and disappeared. Wang
Wang, Petie and Lou slowly stepped out. When they
turned around, the tram car no longer said anything
about a circus, but instead it read: “Miller & Co.
Textiles.” They had indeed gone through a certain
time-traveling ordeal. “All aboard!” yelled the conductor. The train on the next track had started to push
off. “I love you my darling!” yelled out a tall businessman in a top hat. “I’ll send you a telegram when I
arrive in Chicago!” the young woman answered. The
man chased the train for about 50 yards and then
tripped and fell on his face. The trio felt they should
help this man. They also sought his friendship so they
could find out what the hell was going on. Charlie had
played some very odd trick on them. The man picked
himself up, wiped off his pants, and soon regained his
bearings. Wang Wang walked up and introduced himself. “Hello there, good sir. My name is Wang Wang.”
The man kindly responded with a smile. “Why, good
day,” he said. Lou jutted in. “Good afternoon. They
call me Lou.” The man smiled again and was about to
offer his name when Petie nearly spoke up. In an
instant of sheer instinct, Wang Wang let out a ridiculously loud cough to overpower Petie’s attempts to
introduce himself. Petie, already with the leash and
now with this outburst from Wang Wang, got the message. A flying, talking raccoon just wouldn’t be as
accepted in an early 20th century society as it would
be today. The kind man made sure Wang Wang was
okay, and he finally introduced himself. “My name
is...
Beef Sweeney.” The LOSERS all stood there
in stunned silence. Could it be? Could this man have
been an old relative of the famous football hero
Bacon Sweeney? “Pleased to meet you Beef,” Wang
Wang cordially said. “Could you do us a favor, kind
gentleman?” Beef said he would be happy to. “My
friend Lou and I have a problem. We decided to take
our pet raccoon out for a walk in the park back in
Vancouver. Next thing we know we were all tossed
violently into this burlap sack and thrown on the train.
We do not have any idea where we are. Could you
dispose of this information to us? Oh, and, yeah, also,
what year is it?” Beef looked at Wang Wang with
utter dismay. “You were kidnapped! We must get you
back home to Vancouver instantly. What a dreadful
story.” Wang Wang told Beef that they were thinking
of moving anyway, so going back to Vancouver would
not be necessary. What they really needed to know is
where they were and what year it was. “Okay, Wang
Wang. I can tell you that,” Beef said. “You are in
Seattle and the year is 1908.” The story could be true.
Seattle is where Bacon Sweeney High School is. “I
would love to talk with you fellows more,” Beef said.
“Unfortunately I have to go back to work. You would
be more than welcome to accompany me, however. I
know the students would be thrilled to have a guest!”
The LOSERS looked at each other. “You’re a
teacher?” Wang Wang and Lou said in unison. “Why
yes,” replied Beef. “No, I am the principal at Bitch
High School. It is right around the corner. Why don’t
you accompany me for a chat there, eh?” Is it possible? Could Bacon Sweeney have had the school
named after him not because he was a great running
back that accumulated 18 yards throughout his career
but because of politics instead involving his family
members being the principal? Regardless, the
LOSERS readily agreed to the invitation. When they
got there, Lou asked Beef about the woman who was
running on the train to go to Chicago. “Oh, that was
my girlfriend, Mathilde.” Could it be? Beef continued. “She was going to visit an old chum, Frank
Chance. Frank is a competitor for the Chicago nine
baseball team. They have the best squad in the land,
they do.” The LOSERS were in shock. “Yes, the Cubs
are playing in the World Series and Mathilde wanted
to support her friend.” The LOSERS were too
shocked for words. At this point, a man in an apron
knocked on the door and asked Beef if he and his
guests would like some breakfast. Beef announced
that the group would like to share a vast plate of
bacon. “That was my school servant. He makes
tremendous meats and other assorted dirty foods. His
name is George. George Alouhopalou. You should
stay for lunch. His hot dogs are out of this world.
Unfortunately, we are going to lose George at the end
of the month as he is going to leave Seattle for New
York.” That settled it. There was a reason the
LOSERS were there. Not all of this could have been a
coincidence. Charlie Bannister knew what he was
doing when he sent the LOSERS to Seattle in 1908.
But why? And just who was this Charlie Bannister?
What was it about their past that the LOSERS were
supposed to discover? And why were so many of the
people they met or heard stories about in Seattle so
inconsequential to the story? Were they going to meet
more people? How much wood would a woodchuck
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? All these
questions and more can and will be answered in the
following addition...
When the gang arrived at the school, Beef’s
boys were up to nothing but mischief. One student, a
young lad by the name of Harry McDougal, had
brought in some bituminous coal and had then made a
curious bet with another lad, James Jumparicci.
James, unable to muster enough strength to pick up
the school with his bare hands, lost the bet. Harry
then forced James to eat the coal. At this point, the
WINNERS and Beef Sweeney entered the classroom.
Beef ran over to James, whose face had not only
turned black in color, but there was grass growing so
fast on top of his head that he had no hair left. Beef
did all he could, which was nothing but stare, but
James died soon after. Beef grabbed James’ body and
began running out of the classroom. “To the holy
land! He’s the only one who can save him!” Wang
Wang, Lou, and Petie trudged along, and the kids followed too, including the forlorn Harry. The whole
group arrived at the wharf and took a ferry deep into
the mainland. As the ferry docked, they were surrounded by a heavily wooded area that oozed with a
thick fog. Out of the smoke came a great man dressed
in Native American clothing. “What up Beef? How’s
it been hangin’ in da hood, bro?” Beef smiled, but
remarked that they had no time for ghetto talk now.
“The boy is dead. Can you save him?” The chief
waved his hand over the boy’s grass-filled head and
muttered a few strange words. Slowly, the chief drew
his right hand farther and farther away from James’
body. Then, he closed his eyes and began humming a
chant. He soon let the body go limp and released his
left hand from under James. The boy was now floating in air as the gang looked on in amazement. The
Indian chief spread his arms wide and began to shake.
What was happening? Suddenly, the trance broke.
“Ah, shit dawg, I gotta be goin’ to get me mah bizuffalo. They only come by my crib today, you know
what I be sayin’?” The chief turned around and ran
off to hunt for the buffalo. Beef grew angry, but just
as he was about to run after the chief, James stood up.
“No lawsuit!” was all Beef could say in his rejoice.
James looked disoriented, and although he was alive,
his hair was no more. He now had an afro made of
thick, dirty, bright green grass growing in all directions in all different lengths. Our trio stood amazed.
“Who was that Indian guy?” asked Wang Wang. Beef
smiled and replied, “My dear friend, that was Chief
Buffalo Sunday, the holiest of all Indian gods. His
praying wall stands right over there. We’re on very
sacred ground, Wang Wang,” Beef whispered. The
trio now had to factor in another “Seattle factor” to
their mystery. On their earlier trip to Seattle, which
was really later since they were in the past now, they
had run into Chief Buffalo Sunday. Earlier than now,
even though it was really after now because they were
in the deep fucking past, the Chief had loyally followed them all the way to Mount Mitchell, where
Wang Wang, Petie, Lou and the others witnessed his
death thanks to the hands of Satan. Hmm. Mathilde
the Tooth Fairy, Frank Chance, Beef Sweeney, George
Alouhopalou, and now Chief Buffalo Sunday. The
mystery thickened, not unlike Wang Wang’s grandmother’s special sauteed seaweed souffle, which got
about as fat as a Shawn Kemp who only ate Wang
Wang’s grandmother’s special sauteed seaweed souffle. Yeah, that’s right, bitch. Wang Wang’s ass itched.
So he scratched. But it wouldn’t go away. So he
scratched again. Then he felt something move. So he
pulled down his pants and mooned the students. “Is
there anything protruding from my ass?” Beef told
Harry that he wouldn’t be punished for his coal deed
if he would go remove the white thing that refused to
take a vacation from Wang Wang’s ass. Harry
frowned and walked up to Wang Wang. He reached in
slowly, closed his eyes and pulled. Wang Wang
screamed like a little girl. “My hairs are supposed to
stay there, you little shit.” Harry apologized and tried
again. This time, the white thing was removed. Harry
dropped it on the earth and ran away. Wang Wang
pulled his pants back up and then picked up the white
piece of paper. It was a note from Chief Buffalo
Sunday, the holiest of all Indian Gods. It read, “Let
the games begin. Here’s hint No. 1: I am Charlie
Bannister. Now let’s start our scavenger hunt, so you
can find out why I sent you here, and how you can get
back to the future. Here’s your first riddle...
First you must...” Lou grabbed the note from
Wang Wang's hand. “Just a minute! Hold on!” Lou
yelled. Then Lou looked at his hand and the piece of
paper that was in it. His nose curled up and his eyes
began to water. “Aggghhhh, dude, that's not cool,”
Lou proclaimed, clearly referring to the fact that the
letter smelled like Wang Wang's ass. “Anyway, this is
bullshit. I hate scavenger hunts. It all dates back to
my childhood days at friend's birthday parties. We
would participate in scavenger hunts for little prizes.
The prizes were never worth the humiliation of not
being able to figure out what came next. Besides, this
seems like way too much work. Why don't we just
fuck around for a while and then we're sure to figure
out what's going on before too long.” Everyone
paused and contemplated Lou’s speech. “Nah,” said
Wang Wang. “That’s probably the dumbest idea I've
ever heard. I really like the idea that we do this. I
mean, what the hell are we going to do while we're
here anyway? Let's face it. Playstation 2, and for that
matter, television, aren’t going to be invented for a
long-ass time. We really have nothing else that’s even
remotely interesting to do. I say we play this game. I
mean, who knows. This could be fun!” Everyone nodded and made sounds of agreement such as “uh huh,”
“yep,” and “yeah, Wang Wang is clearly the smarter
of the two brothers. There is zero doubt that we
should follow Wang Wang's advice rather than Lou's.”
Lou cried. Wang Wang then realized that this was an
assignment for his immediate group and not the whole
town. Because of this, Wang Wang decided to tell
everyone else to “get the fuck outta here, you filthy
doucebags.” Anyway, with that out of the way, Wang
Wang could begin to read the first clue, so again he
began. “Here's your first riddle...
In the future, pretend that you’re driving your
fancy minivan on the highway, going about 80 miles
per hour. Suddenly, in the corner of your eye, you
spot a fly. This motherfucker is just hovering in the
middle of your van and isn’t moving any which way.
Just hovering. What I want to know is, how the hell is
this possible? It would seem that since you’re going
80 miles per hour, then the fly must be traveling at
that same exact speed, in the same exact direction, if
he wants to stay in the same place. Now, if you want
to say that houseflies can’t fly as fast as a Randy
Johnson change-up, then I say screw off. Because that
fly, if he weren’t moving at all as he’s riding in your
car that’s going 80 mph, then he would just lurch back
and be pulled into the backseat. But no, he’s just chilling in the middle of the air space in your minivan,
staring at you, seeming to say, ‘I can travel just as fast
as you can. Put the pedal to the metal, shitbags.’ But
no matter how fast you go, the fly just hovers in the
same spot. Now, let’s change up our variables. Let’s
say you’re in a fancy convertible. Well, now, the fly
can’t do shit. If you place him in that same air spot,
right between the two front seats and above the parking brake, there’s no way he will stay in that spot after
you peel out and get on the highway. So I’m confused
as shit. This doesn’t make any sense. When you figure
out the answer, go recite it to the tree with no branches or leaves to your right. If you give the right answer,
I, Charlie Bannister/Buffalo Sunday will reappear and
then give you some other crap to do. Good luck.”
Wang Wang didn’t feel like doing shit, and neither did
Lou, so they told Petie to come up with the answer or
else they’d cut his nuts off. This was reverse psychology, because Wang Wang and Lou both knew that
Petie had no nuts anymore. But they also knew that
Petie liked the fact that other people thought he still
had his nuts. So instead of saying “I don’t have testicles anyway,” Petie responded by saying, “Oh no, I
want to keep my nuts right where they are. I will
solve this puzzle.” And so he did, in a way...
Petie sat under a tree and ate an apple as he
thought the riddle over. After a while, he got sick of
thinking of the riddle. I mean, who really cares about
flies anyway? They really seem to serve no purpose. I
mean, does anyone really even like flies? They just
fly around with that annoying buzzing noise and piss
people off. Hell, most people own a fly swatter somewhere. If people liked flies at all, why would most
people have access to a piece of equipment designed
to kill them, or swat them, as the name suggests?
Basically, Petie decided that this was a riddle completely not worth solving. He didn't care and he
couldn't imagine that anyone would care, Charlie
Bannister or Buffalo Sunday, or whoever the fuck that
dude is anyway, included. If nothing else, it was
worth a shot. So Petie walked over to the big ass log
that stood perpendicular to the ground and recited his
answer. “Here's is what I say about the riddle. It is
completely pointless. No one gives two brown shits
about that fly and no one cares about you either. Why
don’t you quit yanking me around by the nuts.” With
this phrase, Wang Wang and Lou who were standing
just off in the distance began to laugh. Petie turned
around to look at them and then continued. “Why
don’t you quit yanking me around and just tell me
what’s going on here in the past in Seattle.” Petie
sighed, as there was no immediate response. Just then
he heard a rustling from the bushes over to his immediate left. Chief Buffalo Sunday emerged from the
bushes, munching on a giant hoagie-style turkey sandwich. “Hey dude, what's happening?” Chief Buffalo
Sunday said. “First of all, I just delayed coming out of
the bushes for a bit for dramatic effect. I wanted to
see your reaction if I did nothing for a minute. You
like that?” Petie just rolled his eyes. “Well, anyway,
that wasn’t exactly the answer I was looking for, but
in retrospect, I really think you're right. See, I don't
care about the fly thing anymore. Thinking about it
just made my head hurt. You're really right. No one
likes flies and no one likes thinking about them. I
can't imagine why I ever cared. I mean, the simple
fact that anyone would go on as long as I did earlier
about such a stupid subject such as flies in cares really should just be shot in the face. Honestly, why did I
care? What a stupid riddle I gave you. I apologize and
I promise it will never happen again. Well, I suppose
it could happen again, maybe even in the next paragraph. Regardless, congratulations for passing the first
test and here is your second.” By this time, Lou and
Wang Wang had arrived and they were also prepared
to hear the next mission...
Chief Buffalo held up his index finger, signaling he would need just a moment to finish his giant
hoagie-style turkey sandwich. He moaned with
delight. Just then, Bon Jovi and Chewbacca came running through the scene. Chewbacca was gaining
ground on Bon Jovi, who was running like a little girl.
Chewbacca then had him cornered between the log
house, Wang Wang and the gang, and the stream
behind them. Bon Jovi would have to swim or die.
Everyone knows Bon Jovi hates to swim. In a last
ditch effort to save his life, Bon Jovi swung out his
bright red back pack and emptied its contents, hoping
against all hope to find something that would ward off
the mighty Wookiee. Bon Jovi frantically picked up
the first item from his backpack, a best-selling book
from the 1880s entitled The Best 100 Jokes that will
be made up about Lenny Kravitz. Bon Jovi giggled,
recalling one of his favorite jokes from the book:
“Why does Lenny Kravitz only have one good song?
Because if he didn’t, there wouldn’t be any cheesy
fried marinara dip for those god damn left wing radicals from Havana to eat on their lazy Saturday afternoons when they’d rather sit around and listen to
Kravitz than save the world from desert-induced
mononucleosis.” Bon Jovi continued to sort through
his backpack shit. Next up was a pound-me-in-theface pummeling from Chewbacca. Thrown to the
ground, Bon Jovi looked up, crying for mercy from
the seven-foot tall Wookiee. Chewbacca roared and
picked up the singer over his head, roaring even louder. Chewbacca began to beat him to a bloody pulp,
and Chief Buffalo Sunday, a.k.a. Charlie Bannister,
tried to intervene. Chewbacca killed them both and
then threw their rotting carcasses into the river. Petie
and Chewbacca became instant friends. They were
both hairy and no one could see their nuts. And they
were both notorious for their loyalty to great human
beings — Wang Wang and Han Solo. Wang Wang
commented that they were still in the past, and the
only person that knew how to get them to the future,
Chief Buffalo Sunday (the holiest of all Indian gods),
had just been killed thanks to Chewie. Petie stood up
for his new friend and told Wang Wang that everything was his fault, so he should just figure it out. Lou
agreed. Wang Wang then found a herd of boa constrictors at his feet, and he realized that a time
machine must be close by...
Chapter 27
Chewie
Obviously this refers to earlier in the story
when Wang Wang discussed boa constrictors and time
machines. I would go into more detail about that right
now but unfortunately I don't have a copy of the story
at that time with me at the moment so I trust that
you’ll be able to look back in more detail about what
this reference is if need be. Trust me, I’d do it for you
if I could, but due to powers beyond my control, it is
not possible for me to do this. Anyway, although
Wang Wang was not aware of this fact, occasionally
boa constrictors exist without being accompanied by a
time machine. Also, I’m not entirely sure that a group
of boa constrictors would be referred to as a “herd.”
Either way, this is not all that important right now.
What is important is that these boa constrictors were
trying to kill Wang Wang. Unfortunately for this story,
the boa constrictors were successful and Wang Wang
died. Lou looked at his dead brother and expressed his
disappointment. “Oh poop,” Lou said. “That’s really a
shame.” Petie looked at Chewie. Chewie shrugged his
shoulders. Fortunately, this was not the first time
Wang Wang died. In the past when Wang Wang died,
Satan or God came and resurrected him. Again, I
would tell you exactly which one (Satan or God) resurrected Wang Wang, but I don’t have a copy of that
part of the story on me either at the moment. Ideally I
will have it soon, but I don’t. The fact of the matter is
that to really help you now I’d have to have it now,
but I just don’t. If it really matters to you whether
Satan or God resurrected Wang Wang in the past, you
can look it up yourself, fucking lazy ass bastard. So,
Lou looked at Petie and said, “Hey, remember when
Wang Wang died before and [Satan/God] resurrected
him? How about we call up [Satan/God] and have
him come do it again. Besides, we haven't seen
[Satan/God] in a while and maybe [Satan/God] would
like to come out for pizza with us, or something like
that anyway. Either way, let’s get on that, eh?” Petie
nodded, but now they had to figure out how to get
Satan or God to know the situation and come to the
rescue. To do this...
the trio of Chewie, Petie and Lou summoned
Rick Moranis who had appeared in the infamous flick
Spaceballs. They asked him to give a lecture on
instant cassettes. “We’re at now now. Everything
you’re looking at now is happening now,” joked Rick,
the old jokester. Rick agreed to give a lecture on
instant cassettes at the town hall in Seattle. Since
everyone in the early 1900s was not only a Mel
Brooks fan, but also a VCR owner, everyone attended.
Rick gave a powerful sermon about instant cassettes,
and for Chewie, Petie, and Lou’s sake, he touched
briefly on instant novels. Rick, in fact, had a copy of
“Refrigerators Vs. Checkers: How to Write a Solid
Essay” in his hand — the unfinished copy of course.
Petie asked to peruse it and realized that it was so
fucking long, he didn’t care anymore about the God
vs. Satan debate over who had resurrected Wang
Wang in the past. Lou also looked astonished at how
long and ridiculous the instant novel was. “Fuck this,
let’s just guess.” They played paper-rock-scissors in a
best-of-99 series. Petie, who is one-fourth French,
demolished Lou, 50-6. It stands alone in the Guinness
Book of World Records as the worst annihilation a
human being has ever suffered in a best-of-99 RPS
match. Of course, it is about the only time that two
beings have ever been dumb enough to play a best-of99 game series in one sitting, but 50-6 was so horrible, Guinness felt he should include it in his book
anyway. However, Petie and Lou had not designated
who represented God and who represented Satan prior
to the match. So they had to have a rematch. Petie
would be Satan and Lou would be God. If Petie won,
they would guess that Satan had resurrected Wang
Wang. If Lou won, they would pick God. Lou got
revenge and beat Petie, 50-49. A pissed off Petie
demanded a rematch, claiming that he was obviously
the better player. Meanwhile, Chewie was devouring
Rick Moranis’ limbs and was also perusing the RVC
book. He didn’t know how to read, but he howled
with laughter because the book is just that funny.
Including the last sentence that I just wrote. Chewie
you’re reading it right now and you’re laughing.
Irony, laughter, oddity, rainbow, lists, that, sense,
make, any, don’t, commas, I, use, them, incessantly,
meanwhile, Chewie, laughing, very, hard. Okay, so
Petie got his rematch and topped Lou in a nailbiter,
50-7. So they guessed Satan. Satan appeared. “What’s
up fellas! Long time, no see! What can I do you for?”
Petie, recalling their previous affair, declined Satan’s
offer. “Listen, Satan. No sex this time. There isn’t a
price you can name that I would let you do me for.”
Satan frowned. “That’s not what I was asking, ole
Pete. What can I DO for you guys?” Lou explained
that they would like to have Wang Wang back —
again. Satan agreed, on one condition...
Chewie had to be eliminated from the story.
There are already too many characters in the novel,
and adding another is utterly ridiculous. Luckily, Lou
and Petie didn’t care about Chewie so they happily
agreed to Satan’s condition. They all looked over at
Chewie who was currently nibbling at Rick Moranis’
ribs, and Chewie looked up with a forlorn look on his
face. A large puff of smoke appeared around Chewie
and when the smoke cleared, Chewie was gone.
Forever. There was much laughter. Satan, pleased
with his work held his part of the deal, as Satan is
known to do. Wang Wang arose from the river and
gave Lou a trout. “Hey guys,” Wang Wang said.
“How's everyone doing here? Hey Satan, what's
shakin’?” Satan said nothing. “Well, it's nice to be
back,” Wang Wang said. “Satan, you with us for the
long haul again?” Satan shook his head violently.
“No, I'd never get involved with you guys again long
term. But it sure is nice to see you all again.
Unfortunately, I must get going.” Wang Wang didn’t
want to have his friend walk out on him when he hadn’t seen him in so long. “Why don't you come have
lunch with us. Earlier I recommended we should go
out for pizza if you came to resurrect me. How does
that sound? Could you go for a pie now?” Lou looked
puzzled for a minute. That made no sense. How could
Wang Wang recommend that whole thing when he
was dead at the time? Then Lou remembered that it
was actually he who proposed that. “Hey man. I was
the one that said we should take him out for pizza.
You were dead at the time. How would you even
know I said that? What's it like to be dead, anyway?”
Wang Wang suggested that they talk about that over a
large supreme pizza and they all agreed that would be
a tremendous idea. Little did they know what was
about to transpire at the restaurant...
On the way over to J.P. Morgan’s Pizza Cafe,
they walked into a black hole and were back in the
present time. Wang Wang then felt a sudden need to
play Tetris. Luckily for Wang Wang, they were in
Russia for some reason. Boris Yeltsin then came along
and offered to give the non-Tetris fiends — Lou, Petie
and Satan— a tour of the Tetris church. Jesus christ,
give me god damn break. Okay, timeout. I am tired of
following these LOSERS around. We’re pushing two
years now. My brain is running on empty. I need to
take a break and sit down on this bench in the middle
of a big Russian city. My name is ... I don’t even
remember. I’m a newspaper reporter for a major
newspaper, and I’ve been following around Wang
Wang for a long time, and I’m fucking sick of it. You
want to know whose shit you’ve been reading for the
last 50 pages or so? My shit! And I’m fucking sick of
writing down every detail, of documenting Wang
Wang’s every move for this god damn novel. So here
and now, I quit. I quit writing this story. No more
fucking narrative. Fuck you, Wang Wang. No more
writing, no more in-depth, behind-the-scenes interviews, no more Pulitzer-Prize winning photographs.
Find someone else to write your god damn story. My
novel is done. ***INTERMISSION*** Do not leave!
Stay! Story not over [surprise]! Writer guy just left us.
Never knew his name. I do documentation for us now.
Must find new writer bitch. Must follow us around.
Must document my all-important life. I do it for now.
Dear Diary, this Wang Wang. Just played Tetris. Great
game. Will start international Tetris league. Rosters in
cities around world. Tetris to be big. Bigger than baseball, basketball, football, hockey. Want to leave Lou,
Petie, Satan. Can’t do anything for themselves. Must
stop writing my own story. This no fucking fun.
Fucking sucks actually. Miss having invisible guy following us around. Writer guy collected notes for
novel he will write later. Called Refrigerators and
Checkers or something. Off to recruit new writer.
Must follow me around. Write this shit for me.
Goodbye diary. ***NO DOCUMENTATION OF
WANG WANG’S WHERABOUTS DURING THIS
TIME OF RECRUITMENT FOR NEW “WRITER
BITCH”*** ...
I ran into Wang Wang, Lou, and Petie at a Roy
Rogers restaurant in a small town in coastal Maine. I
was enjoying a cup of coffee and reading the paper.
Turns out the French government just surrendered to
Syrianese rebel forces in the suburbs of Paris. The
interesting part of this story is that the rebel forces
was actually just one guy with a Super Soaker 500
water gun. Granted, that's a powerful water gun, but it
is still amazing that the French keep getting more
ridiculous. I guess the French were just so used to surrendering to anything that even remotely threatens
them that they felt they should continue the tradition.
I was about to flip over to the fashion section of the
paper and as I read the headline “While Surrendering
to Rebel Forces, French Mock Rebel Uniforms,” I
heard a commotion from the other side of the restaurant. It was behind me so I could not get a look at the
people involved in the conversation, but it seemed
like an interesting story, and soon I was hooked.
There were three men, apparently housemates. One
man was complaining about a vicious prank one of
the other men did. The way I understood the situation
is as follows. In the sink in the kitchen of their house
there was one of those hose things that you can pull
out and press the “trigger” and water comes out in a
stream and it helps to clean dishes. Well, it seems that
one of the men put tape around the trigger to force it
closed. That way, when someone turned on the water
instead of coming out the faucet, water came out of
the hose. One of the guys tried to get a glass of water
and was soaked. He did not take the prank well and
decided to get the other man back. He called one of
his female friends and convinced her to call the house
and talk to the original prankster. She was to pretend
to be the recent object of his affection and imply that
she was sex hungry and needed to see the original
prankster immediately. Naturally, he became thrilled
and quickly put on his shoes and announced that he
had to leave to “put the sausage in the oven.” At this
point the other guy laughed at him but the other guy
thought this laughter was just at his clever metaphor.
As he walked out the door to visit the young woman,
the other man said goodbye and wished him good
luck. About a half-hour later the man came back upset
and this is when they decided to go to Roy Rogers.
Now that I think about it, I suppose it seems odd for
them to rehash the whole story right now, especially
because the whole scene just happened. Either way,
they did. After the storytelling session was over, I
turned around to look at them. What I saw I will
never forget. They were sitting in a booth, the three of
them. There were two men sitting opposite each other.
One seemed to have come from East Asia, Korea
maybe. The other wore a camera around his neck.
Next to the man with the camera around his neck was
a colossal raccoon looking animal with what appeared
to be wings. The left side of the face of the Korean
man was swelled up and his left eye was completely
swollen shut. I must have made my shock obvious as
the cameraman looked my way and asked sarcastically, “May I help you, douche bag?” I was not quite
sure how to respond so I didn't. I just sat there in awe.
Before long the three came up to talk to me and I was
terrified. Luckily, they were not overly cruel. In fact,
the opposite was true. They then offered me a proposal...
Chapter 28
???
Needless to say, I’m the new writer bitch. Let
Part II of RVC commence! You need not know my
name nor my history. I simply am the notetaker.
During my first few weeks with the crew, I basically
read and organized the thousands of pages of notes
that the previous writer bitch had taken. Rather than
show you the results of my work (see Part I of this
novel), let’s fast forward a few weeks. Wang Wang,
Petie and Lou decided to settle down in a lazy town
known to many the world traveler as Winkler, Kansas,
just west of ol’ Route 77. The three had bought a rundown old house but had fixed it up quite nicely. Wang
Wang was loving the small town life, and he was in
the running for a local government seat. Actually, he
had decided to make up a new position for the booming metropolis that is Winkler: Recycle Management
Coordinator. Unfortunately for the Republicans, Wang
Wang the democrat was the only candidate running
for the position and was virtually a shoe-in.
Meanwhile, Petie had developed a wild affinity for
strawberries. He hoarded them whenever they came in
stock at the WinklerMart just past Main Street.
Everyone in town, especially Farmer Jones, warned
Petie that if he didn’t stop eating strawberries, “you’re
gonna turn into one of them someday!” Petie
shrugged it off and silently wished he could remove
their limbs. Lou was also busy making his presence
known in and around Winkler. Lou was dating a local
girl named Wanda Fargo. She was a cute broad with
long, brown hair. She and Lou made quite a team,
although recently, they had started to fight with each
other as couples tend to do. Wanda claimed that Lou
was insensitive and didn’t really listen to her, but Lou
didn’t pay much attention to her complaints. Lou’s
problem, on the other hand, was sex. Or the lack
thereof, I should say. Therefore, Lou went to the local
whorehouse, where the abandoned Subway used to
be. Not feeling satisfied with Gigi Melons, he went
back to Wanda, but she still refused to bone him. Lou
surmised that if he could go on a double-date with
Wang Wang, then maybe his problems would be
solved. So he approached Wang Wang, but he was too
busy preparing his acceptance speech. Lou explained
that no one cared about the Recycle Management
Coordinator, and Wang Wang fumed out of his new
office. Finally, Lou convinced his brother that
Wanda’s cousin, Tracy Tadpole, was interested in him.
Wang Wang instantly jumped up like the fat kid on
the playground who thinks he isn’t going to get to
play basketball with the other kids, but then everyone
realizes they only have nine players, so they need the
fat kid to play, so they point at him. Wang Wang
decided he would ask out Tracy out that night at the
high school football game. But upon arriving at
Winkler High’s field, some people started giving him
weird looks. After all, Wang Wang was 23 — not
exactly your typical high school student. Then one of
the “cool” kids had an idea for a funny prank and told
the principal that the “funny-looking, older Asian
man” had grabbed his ass. The principal went over to
Wang Wang and asked what he was doing there.
Wang Wang, unaware of the student’s words, joked
with the principal, “Just getting a look at all the hot
young studs that Winkler has to offer.” Oops. The
principal immediately called the prestigious Winkler
police force and had Lou and Wang Wang removed.
Wang Wang posted bail and then found Tracy Tadpole
later that night and asked her out. Tracy, who had
been frozen at birth for seven years due to unspecified
DNA counts by the local census bureau, was actually
the same age as Wang Wang, so there was nothing
wrong there. She just happened to be in high school at
age 23. And that’s why I think freezing people is just
an excuse to give taxpayers back their goddamn
motherfucking rights to protest a legal document
which calls for cooped-up chickens to run up the price
of disease-laden mushrooms. So Wang Wang, all
smooth, asked out Tracy on a double date with his
brother Lou. “Oh, I can’t Wang Wang.” Why the fuck
not, Wang Wang thought. He gave her a look which
required a more detailed answer. “Ummm... my uncle
from Japan is coming into town tonight. Oh yeah, and
also I have a project to do for the blind kids who live
in my basement. And also my boyfriend might get
mad at me.” Wang Wang frowned. Do you know what
the easiest way to tell a lie is? Think about it. When
someone gives you three or more reasons they can’t
or didn’t do something, it’s a crock of shit. Everyone
does it. People think that since they don’t have one
good excuse, it’s better to make up three decent ones.
Then, of course, the person they’re lying to will think,
“Gee, wow. This person had three excuses. I can see
that by adding them all together, that there is just no
way that he/she could have done that thing.” But it’s
bullshit. In addition to Wang Wang’s factoring in of
the “three-or-more-excuses-means-a-lie” rule, Wang
Wang also had a strange hunch that Tracy didn’t have
an uncle from Japan. And he couldn’t quite put a finger on it, but he also surmised that she didn’t have
blind kids living in her basement. Wang Wang knew
he had been flat out rejected. Lou and Wang Wang,
like a couple of defeated bowling partners, solemnly
walked back to their house at 123 Joobaloo Road.
Petie was sprawled out on the couch eating a bowl of
strawberries. “Whatcha watching on the tube, Pete?”
asked Wang Wang. Petie suddenly looked up and
frantically changed the channel, dumping his bowl of
strawberries everywhere in the process. Lou and
Wang Wang figured he had been watching porn, but
they were wrong...
Petie was watching a Home and Garden channel special on strawberries. It turns out Petie has
begun to like strawberries so much that watching
strawberries is basically porn to him. So,
Petie quickly tossed his giant cock back into his pants
and asked his friends how they were doing. Wang
Wang explained he had just gotten rejected and Petie
was shocked. Petie was kind of like
everyone’s mother in regard to his friends. Just like a
mother might have irrational beliefs about her child’s
attractiveness to members of the opposite sex, Petie
felt that Wang Wang was a great catch and any lady
that he goes after should be thrilled to have a chance
with him...
Petie then had a wild illusion that Wang Wang
was a giant strawberry. Petie walked over to Wang
Wang and stroked his green stem, which was actually
Wang Wang’s head. “I’d love to get in your strawberry patch, if you know what I mean,” Petie said to the
giant strawberry. Wang Wang freaked out and slapped
Petie. Then our little raccoon realized what was going
on, and he retired to his bedroom in shame. Wang
Wang and Lou decided to play two-man euchre for
the rest of the night. Since you can’t play euchre with
two people, though, Wang Wang and Lou only pretended to play. Wang Wang slaughtered Lou. Every
time, Wang Wang went solo, euchred Lou, and won
all five tricks. It was an impressive display of makebelieve-euchre tactical genius. But that all got old
after about four or five minutes. Wang Wang and Lou
decided to raise some hell at the WinklerMart just
past Main Street. The WinklerMart was open 24
hours, and there were always dirty townies there after
10 p.m. buying beer. Wang Wang and Lou went anyway, parked their nifty 1993 black Mazda RX-7, and
then looked up to see the county sheriff staring them
down. Wang Wang didn’t feel like taking any shit, so
he just brushed right past Sheriff Douche. Lou, with
his defiant attitude, gave Douche a sly smile as he
walked by. Sheriff Douche scanned over the suspicious-looking sports car. It had no license plate on it.
He ticketed the car and went on his way. Meanwhile,
Wang Wang and Lou were in the WinklerMart, which
is basically a giant WalMart that sells a lot of food,
too. The brothers, seeking to eat more healthy, went to
the fruit and vegetables section to stock up. An overweight black lady stumbled over to the young men,
wearing a name tag that proclaimed her to be
Vuhjetta. “Hi Vuhjetta, my name is Wang Wang. Do
you like Billy Joel? I didn’t think so. We’re here to
buy some fruit and vegetables ... but NO STRAWBERRIES!” Vuhjetta took a deep look into Wang
Wang’s sexy eyes. “I know just the thing for you,
honey buns. Follow me.” This was clearly the best
customer service that has ever been rendered by any
sales associate in the history of the world. Vuhjetta
picked out a luscious yellow pepper and also handed
the brothers a voluptuous pineapple. Wang Wang
thanked Vuhjetta for her expertise. He and Lou went
and made their purchases. “You know, that Vuhjetta
was something else. In fact, she was remarkable. I’m
going to commend her to the manager.” Lou agreed.
They went and found the manager, a nerdy-looking
man named Ned. “We’d like to say that Vuhjetta
rules. You should promote her.” Ned stared back with
a look of horror. “Which Vuhjetta?” Wang Wang
found it hard to believe that more than one Vuhjetta
worked in the WinklerMart. In fact, Wang Wang
found it difficult to believe that there was more than
one Vuhjetta in the entire universe because it was
such an ugly name. Ned’s look was so terrifying that
it made Wang Wang freeze right there in his tracks.
Lou was able to mutter, “Fruit... vegetables... helped
us.” Ned instantly flashed a huge warm smile. “OH!
Why the fuck didn’t you say so, god dammit? That’s
Vuhjetta Bulls. She is great, isn’t she? She’s also not
bad in bed. This one time...” Wang Wang and Lou ran
away. Vuhjetta had been a great sales associate, but
she was very ugly. They didn’t want to hear about her
and Ned getting it on. At any rate, they were thrilled
will their pepper and pineapple. But when they got
back to their radical sports car, there was a ticket —
on the license plate. It read: “Failing to properly display a valid license plate.” Wang Wang stared. “Are
you fucking serious? The ticket is on the fucking
license plate. How fucking stupid can somebody be?”
Wang Wang drove home in a fury. I’d like to take a
timeout here. The above scenario about the ticket is
more likely to happen than you’d think. Why?
Because people are fucking morons. They are stupid,
inconsiderate, rude, incompetent and useless. Okay,
game on. When the brothers got home, Petie was back
at it. He had painted the west side of the house — it
was a gigantic mural of a strawberry patch. Wang
Wang and Lou shook it off, but they told their friend
that if they found another wall painted with anything
strawberry-like, they’d cut off his nuts. Petie pointed
out that he had been nut-less for quite some time, and
Wang Wang and Lou were flabbergasted. Instead of
trying to think of a new threat, Wang Wang decided to
go check their mail. He brought back in three letters,
two for himself and one for Lou. All three of the buddies gathered ’round to read their mail. Lou read his
aloud first. “It’s from Wanda!” Wang Wang and Petie
were tired of Wanda and didn’t really care what she
had to say. “What does it say?” Wang Wang said, pretending to be interested. “‘Dear Lou, I hate you. I am
breaking up with you.’” Lou cried. Wang Wang tried
to console him without laughing hysterically. Petie
went to his room and laughed. When Lou was done
crying over his useless girlfriend, Wang Wang opened
his letter, from the Winkler Police Department. “Dear
Winkler citizen: You must pay your parking ticket
within 24 hours of receiving it.” Wang Wang fumed.
He had forgotten all about the ridiculous incident, but
now he was reminded of it. He decided to open letter
No. 2. It was from the Winkler City Council. “Dear
Wang Wang: You have been elected City Recycle
Management Coordinator by a vote of 6-to-1. The
first city council meeting that you will be required to
attend is Jan. 1. Please come prepared with a presentation.” Wang Wang could hardly contain his excitement. He had two weeks to prepare his presentation
before city council. Meanwhile, the trio decided to
celebrate Christmas by...
trying to find Santa Claus. Afterall, they had a previous relationship with him. They decided to go to the
bus station to see when the next Greyhound was taking off for the North Pole. They were shocked to find
out that there were actually no buses leaving for the
North Pole at all, anytime in the near future. Oh well,
you win some, you lose some. Anyway, on the way
out of the station they
saw a scantily clad woman sleeping on one of the
benches covered in newspaper. She clearly had not
showered in weeks or changed her clothes and she
also clearly was not a virgin. Thefellas looked at her,
shook their heads and walked away. As they turned
their backs they heard a rumbling of newspaper and
the
woman called out “Wang Wang?” They all turned
around. “Do I know you?” Wang Wang asked. “It’s
me,” replied the filthy slut. “I’m sorry,” Wang Wang
replied. “I have no idea.” The disgusting woman
sighed and offered to give him a hint. Wang Wang
accepted the offer. The woman pulled a pickle out of
her purse and began to suck on it seductively.
“Mathilde?” Wang Wang asked. Mathilde responded
that he was correct. “Wow Mathilde? You’ve become
a dirty bus station skank? How did you sink to such
levels?” Lou asked. Mathilde solemnly looked
towards the
ground and shrugged. Wang Wang approached her
and gave her a hug in an attempt to cheer her up.
Mathilde hugged him back and cried on his shoulder.
“I’ve missed you all so much,” Mathilde explained.
“Without you all I got lost and ended up turning tricks
for food money here in this bus station.” Petie’s reaction was one of disgust. “Well, sucks to be you,
skank,” Petie said. “Why don’t you go give some
transient a hand job?” With that the crew left the
train station and returned home. As they reached
home they realized they had not yet made plans for
the holidays. Petie recommended they just have a few
strawberries and call it a day. Wang Wang told him to
go ahead and blow his load all over some fruit for all
he cared. Afterall, Wang Wang had a fever, and the
only prescription was to get his recycle on. The first
matter of business for Wang Wang was to thank his
supporters for electing him to
office. Therefore he first set out to find who the six
voters were. After doing that he planned to find the
person that voted against him and stab him in the eye
with a fork. Wang Wang could only think of one place
to start his search and that was...
TO BE CONTINUED