1. shopping
2. gifts

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December 16, 2014
Vol. 12 #50
CoffeeGrinder@PSOne.ca
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Merry Christmas!!
New Year's Eve Dance, December 31, Friedensfeld Community Center.
Cocktails 6:30 p.m., Dinner 7:00 p.m. Tickets $35. Live Band Small Town
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Sarah and her thirteen-year-old sister had been fighting a lot this year. This happens
when you combine a headstrong two-year-old, who is sure she is always right, with
a young adolescent.
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Sarah's parents, trying to take advantage of her newfound interest in Santa Claus,
reminded the two-year-old that Santa was watching and doesn't like it when children
fight. This had little impact.
"I'll just have to tell Santa about your misbehavior," the mother said as she picked
up the phone and dialed. Sarah's eyes grew big as her mother asked "Mrs. Claus"
(really Sarah's aunt) if she could put Santa on the line. Sarah's mouth dropped open
as Mom described to Santa (Sarah's uncle) how the two-year-old was acting. But,
when Mom said that Santa wanted to talk to her, she reluctantly took the phone.
Santa, in a deepened voice, explained to her how there would be no presents
Christmas morning to children who fought with their sisters. He would be watching,
and he expected things to be better from now on.
Sarah, now even more wide eyed, solemnly nodded to each of Santa's remarks and
silently hung the phone up when he was done. After a long moment, Mom (holding
in her chuckles at being so clever) asked, "What did Santa say to you, dear?"
In almost a whisper, Sarah sadly but matter-of-factly stated, "Santa said he won't be
bringing toys to my sister this year."
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Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on
demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy
bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out
how to attach nine patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a
glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to
write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room
between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any color, except
purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze, but are strong
enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last
pregnancy.
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If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint-resistant windows
and a radio that plays only big-people music; a television that doesn't broadcast any
programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment
behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Mommy" to
boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two kids who don't
fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting, "Don't eat in the living room"
and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice seems to be just out of
my children's hearing range and can be heard only by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pack, the hottest stocking stuffer this year
for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is guaranteed
to crumble on any carpet, making the in-law's house seem just like mine.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth
and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than
room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday
season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It would clear
my conscience immensely.
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Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the
laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember
to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire so you
don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too many or leave
crumbs on the carpet.
Yours Always, Mom
P.S. One more thing: You can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young.
Low German Word of the Week - A
WE DO DESIGN
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without
demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family; or if
my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs in his pajamas to eat contraband
ice cream at midnight.
The Strange Christmas Scene
In a small southern town there was a Nativity Scene that showed great skill and talent
had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.
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The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the
edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded
into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that
I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and
finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says
right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
Christmas Song Trivia
1. "Round yon virgin mother and child":
A: Jingle Bells B: Silent Night C: I'll Be Home For Christmas
D: We Three Kings
2. "Bearing gifts we traverse afar":
A: Jingle Bells B: Silent Night C: I'll Be Home For Christmas
D: We Three Kings
3. "And Heaven and nature sing":
A: Away in a Manger B: Joy to the World
Christmas
C: While Shepherds Watched
4. "Tis the season to be jolly":
A: Deck the Halls B: While Shepherds Watched
Merry Gentlemen
5. "Looked down where he lay":
A: The First Noel B: Little Town of Bethlehem
Manger
C: Jingle Bells
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D: White
D: God Rest Ye
C: Joy to the World
D: Away in a
Did you Know
• Guatemalan adults do not exchange Christmas gifts until New Year’s Day. Children
get theirs on Christmas morning.
the
• The poinsettia, a traditional Christmas flower, originally grew in Mexico, where
it is also known as the ‘Flower of the Holy Night’. Joel Poinsett first brought it to
America in 1829.
• There are 364 gifts mentioned in “The Twelve Days of Christmas”.
• In Armenia, the traditional Christmas Eve meal consists of fried fish, lettuce and
spinach.
Some Musical Christmas Advice
FLY UNITED
Answers to Trivia: 1. B
2. D
3. B
4. A
5. D
Make out your Chopin Liszt early before Debussy season, when you have time to
check out Verdi good bargains are, can still get gifts Faure good price, not have to
Handel large crowds and have time to give Bach things you decide you don't want.
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phone 204.326.4099 fax 204.326.4522
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Ways to Confuse Santa Claus
• Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think
he could stand to lose a few pounds.
We are currently seeking Swine Technicians.
• While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
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• Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would
mind watering your plants.
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• While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and
see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
• Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees
a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
• Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to
remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
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• While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and
sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.
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• Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives,
show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the
scene of the crime."
• Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
• Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.
• Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
• Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This
neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us.
Low German Word of the Week: ne Hoad Choose a meaning:
A) a shepherd B) a cane C) a wiseman D) an angel
Q: What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk? A: Jingle Smells!
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T'was the night before Christmas...
...and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even
a mouse. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care.
They'd been worn all week and needed the air.