TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2010 the maneater 13 FORUM The opinions expressed by The Maneater columnists do not represent the opinions of The Maneater editorial board. We should continue glorifying personal lives of famous idiots Katie McCormick kmmwgb@mail.mizzou.edu Ladies and Gentlemen: It is about that time for me to discuss the celebrity that I have the most twisted fascination with. This celebrity is completely twisted and is really heading toward, if not already in, mental insanity territory. It is safe to say that this person is giving a bad name to the entire human race. I am sure you have guessed it already, but if you are slow to the pop culture punch, it’s my girl Lindsay Lohan. Yes you heard correctly, I am a dedicated follower of the more-famous-for-herdr ug-use-than-her -ac ting Lindsay Lohan. Her life has become one gossip blog entry after the next and she’s probably gone through more kilos of coke than legitimate scripts. I know that the masses are feeling a little animosity toward this troubled star for her celebrated stupidity, but after her most recent bout with the law it was only right for me to touch on my interest in her. In case you haven’t heard of her most recent slip up, because I automatically assume everyone is at least somewhat aware of her constant debauchery, she just failed a drug test less than a month out of jail. Some are even saying she is past the pettiness of cocaine and has actually tested positive for crystal meth, also known as Missouri’s candy. The whole time I have stayed close to the story, and I am tempted to put her Twitter page in my top sites on my laptop... Believe me it is certainly a feat. My friends, family members and even complete strangers feel the incessant need to tell me how I hate everyone else, but when it comes to the celebrity that deserves my unnecessary cynicism, I actually appreciate her? I never said I loved her, I just think she is quite remarkable. I already know thoughts are leaning toward, “Remarkable... really?” Yes, I am somewhat amazed by her. Besides her most recent flick, Machete , which she barely even made a cameo in, Lohan hasn’t been in a successful film in ages. She parties and does an insane amount of drugs and then gets in trouble. She is basically the equivalent of a drunken hick. However, she is always in entertainment news and is keeping these gossip blogs in business. I don’t in any way, shape or form want to be like her ever in my life, but isn’t this concept at least a little bit fascinating? I honestly can’t think of one other person besides me who admits to ardently following Lindsay’s life happenings, yet she still is present in almost all media outlets. This brings me to my point that everyone likes to have that one celebrity out there that they love to hate. I have about 100 of those, but it is kind of amazing how passionate people get about celebrities. That is because instead of being celebrated for the works, people feel more of a need to celebrate them or not for their personal life. Have you ever caught yourself saying “I like them” or “I hate that bitch” when talking about celebrities? I know that almost everyone does it, and it is pretty comical. We know nothing about these people, yet plenty of us feel a part of their lives and want to formulate opinions on them as a person. It is almost like finding an interest in the personal life of an accountant or a garbage man. Although I think it is pretty bizarre, I don’t think fascinations with these glorified idiots should stop. I say we should be able to talk about how much dismay we have toward them if they are willing to put themselves in the public eye. Privacy is totally overrated and these jerks have it easier than any of us could imagine. So go out, pick a celebrity, and talk about how much you wish they weren’t famous. Believe me, it is quite exhilarating. When it comes to my girl Lindsay, though, maybe you all should just give her a break. Her upcoming jail sentence and eternal hangover are pretty hard to handle. What separation of church and state? Ryan Schuessler ryanschuessler@gmail.com “One nation, under God?” Thomas Jefferson is probably rolling in his grave. One of the most important concepts of our democracy that emerged upon its founding was the idea of the separation of church and state. Being a nation of religious diversity, at least in the realm of Christianity, our founding fathers built our country on the idea that there would be no state religion, and that every American would have the freedom to worship whatever they wanted. Today, we live in a nation that has yet to see a full separation. If we really lived in a society where the government and religion were truly separate, our leaders wouldn’t be sworn into office over a Bible, our courts wouldn’t have “in God we trust” on a seal behind judges, our school children wouldn’t be memorizing “under God” in the pledge of allegiance. It would be a different world, but a better one. It’s not that I’m antireligion at all. I’ve gone to church all my life. I believe religious institutions to be some of the most powerful and important forces in our ILLUSTRATION BY CHELSEA MYERS society. But in a nation that’s made up of a seemingly endless patchwork of people, we need a secular government in order to show the American people that the government is inclusive to all religions, or lack thereof (sorry, Glenn Beck). For example, the Ohio state motto is as follows: “With God, all things are possible.” Imagine if you were an atheist in Ohio, and you had to walk into a courthouse for whatever reason, and you see that phrase carved into stone. What does that mean for you? Without God, is nothing possible? So much for the land of opportunity. Just as our government cannot favor one specific denomination or religion, it cannot favor any idea of God, or a lack of one. A state has no say on where a mosque can be built, or if Mormons can be polygamists. And just as our political system should stay out of religious institutions, religious institutions should stay out of politics. For example, a church has no say in the abortion argument, and I’ve heard of far too many sermons in my hometown telling congregations who to vote for because of it. It shouldn’t matter how many Jewish Supreme Court justices there are or if the president is a Muslim or not (which he isn’t). It just shouldn’t matter. And, for the record, I don’t want the United States to end up like France, who banned religious symbols in public places. That isn’t okay in my book. The United States should be a land of freedom to be whomever we want, and to worship whoever we want. I’ll end with another example. We haven’t always been a nation “under God.” That phrase in the pledge was added in 1954. Why, do you ask? It was added just to defy the Soviets during the Cold War, who had a fully secular government. We sure showed them. Tripp Stelnicki tstelnicki03@hotmail.com The worst fantasy owner I played fantasy football for the first time in 2006. Our league was only eight members deep and everyone made the playoffs. It was eighth grade, we were new to the fantasy business, we didn’t take things too seriously and we didn’t always know what we were doing. I can specifically remember one of our friends never bothering to change his team name, opting to let the season run its course with “Team *” as his squad’s designation. But we still knew fantasy football was fun as hell. That year I made myself the chief beneficiary of our generous “Everyone makes the playoffs!” policy, snagging the lowest seed with a middling 6-7 record. Then my boys rattled off a few consecutive upsets and I found myself league champion. I remember it not making much sense — I hadn’t updated my roster during the playoffs, assuming I was toast, so after a few weeks being out of the loop, seeing my Tony Romo-led goon squad atop the final league standings came as a surprise. But I can also remember not appreciating the title. It didn’t mean anything. I had won that goofy time-waster “fantasy football” league we’d been doing — BFD. It had been a fine enough time, sure, and a solid diversion from the overwhelming eighth grade schoolwork, but I’m not sure we played for more than $5 each, and I’m not sure more than three people actually ended up paying, and, again, we weren’t taking things too seriously. Trash-talking was nonexistent and one guy’s team name was an asterisk. It was bush league. And I had won the title of that bush league? Nothing to write home about. I couldn’t regret that nonchalance more. I cling to that fluke 2006 title desperately these days — because in the time since then it has become apparent that I’m one of the worst five fantasy owners on the planet. I have nothing official to back that claim, but it is unquestionably true. You hear people insufferably brag about their fantasy successes — a little like the previous few paragraphs — but I’m about to do the exact opposite. Since winning the ‘06 title, I’ve gone 19-34 — good for a sparkling .358 winning percentage. I haven’t made the playoffs since we began excluding the worst four teams in the 12-team league. I haven’t won two consecutive games in over three seasons. My best year excluding the aforementioned 6-7 Cinderella champs was 2009: I posted a 4-9 and finished second-to-last. Quick, fantasy buffs, off the top of your head: who was 2009’s biggest bust? Steve Slaton? My first-round choice. 2008? Joseph Addai? First rounder, again. And these are just the examples I have space for. It’s not as though our league hasn’t taken notice. I’m a laughingstock and rightly so. I talked a big game before this year’s draft, declaring that this would be my comeback season, that we’d be heading back to the glory days of ‘06. No one paid heed. Why would they? A .358 winning percentage doesn’t command much respect. Of course, I drafted both Ryan Grant and Sidney Rice within the first three rounds — the former of which is already done for the year, the latter of which underwent surprise hip surgery a week after the draft. I lost my week one matchup 123-57. I’m not even remotely surprised. Only four years removed from a title, I couldn’t be worse. Bad, bad times. As I write this, my team — the Duly Appointed Federal Marshals; Shutter Island fans, you out there? — has taken an early 23-3 lead in this week’s matchup. We’ll surely blow it. There’s... always next year?