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1
salt
angel
blue
so, what is it?
2
A note from
the Editor
in chief
By Kris Makuch
“I think I want to start
an online magazine”
Famous last words as a thought turned into a
Facebook post, which turned into an eager email
exchange, which turned into an expectation.
Well, that went better than intended.
The thought came whilst I was laying out an article
for a client brochure on the effects of technology on
the wealth management sector. I was completely
on auto-pilot, internally debating if a fifth coffee
before 2pm is excessive, when a little neuronotification started to bounce in my skull.
“You could do this...
I have no idea what
I’m doing
3
“You know loads of interesting people, who have loads
to say on a whole load of weird and wacky topics, which
are more reader-friendly than the regulatory concerns of
investment bodies”.
head in the clouds
award 2015
All I would need to do is capture their thoughts, neatly
package them up and release them online. Simple! If ever
there was a prize for people that get carried away, they’d
have to send it to me tied to a helium balloon.
Because I have no idea what I’m doing. I’ve never produced
a magazine before. I can barely produce myself for work
every morning. It turns out to be a lot trickier than I’d
thought (both getting to work and the magazine). This
became evidently clear when I was asked such questions
as: “What’s the theme?/ How are you going to release it?/
How will you get people to read it?”
To which the answer was nearly always the same. “Ummm...
Well... What do you think we should do?” Fortunately, to
this I was always provided with unique responses that I’d
never have thought of myself.
And as if by magic, there sat the underlying intention of
my initial thought...
It’s an open brief.
It’s a collaborative project. It’s a creative platform. It’s a
digital playground where imagination writes the rules.
It’s an opinion piece. It’s a review. It’s a drawing. It’s a
confession. It’s an insight into the lives of people that have
something to say.
And so here is Issue 000, the template to build upon, the
kick to get the ball rolling.
So I implore you to read on my friend. Take notes. Send
feedback. Write an article. Get involved. Let’s do something
different for a change.
by Kris Makuch
If ever there
was a prize for
people that
get carried
away, they’d
have to send
it to me tied
to a helium
balloon.
4
This issue
So what is it?
salt
angel
blue
#000 May 2015
salt
angel
blue
Do we really
need a
smartwatch?
e
rry h
’t wo ou.
n
o
D
y
likes
still
Confessions
of a non
alcoholic
Fast and
Furious 7
the review
1 x macbook; 3 x sleepless nights; 1 x website
domain; 1 x magazine design; 1 x desktop website
design; a few rounds of Kyla La Strange, Dillon and
Paramores’ latest albums; many gin & tonics, craft
beers and nespresso coffees; and countless hours
Googling ‘how to create a magazine’, all went into
the making of this issue
Thanks
Visit our website at
saltangelblue.co.uk
To subscribe head to
saltangelblue.co.uk/
subscribe.html
To submit feedback head to
saltangelblue.co.uk/ideas.
html
For general enquiries email
saltangelblue.co.uk/contact.
html
5
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6
So what is it?
I was sitting in a windowless office
by the vending machine, sipping the
turgid filth that, in my opinion, was
incorrectly labelled as coffee, thinking
that somebody should be sued for
false advertising, when I received
the message. “Write something” it
said, “just one little article. It could
be anything. About technology,
culture….or Sesame street.”
“Hmmm…..why not!” I thought.
Now although I appreciate that Sesame Street has
cemented itself firmly in the cultural heritage of a
generation, thanks mainly to the moral teachings of
a huge fluffy yellow bird – but also the unforgettable
comic genius and questionable educational value of
mumbling martian puppets shouting “Cow” through
windows at telephones (I’d love to see that show get
approved for production today!) - and love that, due
to Youtube and the wonders of the modern age, this
delight is still less than a minute away from even your
most amply educated technology junkie, I still have
no idea what to write about. I say still, those were just
my first thoughts. “Hmmm....what to write…”
So let’s start at the beginning. In the beginning there
was nothing but the proverbial blank slate. The
empty page. The block of marble yet to become the
Venus di Milo. The penultimate breath before the
very first brush stroke of the Mona Lisa. Nothing but
anticipation of the countless untold possibilities that
could be achieved through the medium of liberal
expression. And then, in a way incomprehensibly
less impressive than the Big BANG (more of a DING
really), followed a Facebook thread sprinkled with a
few “likes,”. In pockets across the length and breadth
of England there were general mutterings of “yes
please”, “why not”, the occasional “Hell Yeah!” and “I
suppose so”. There was something. The Idea.
And this is it. You’re reading it…or a least part of it.
Exciting! So what is it?
Excellent question. I, along with several others, have
been coaxed (quite easily I admit), by the Mysterious
Mr Koo, a strange and deeply disturbing human being
with way too much time to sit and think of Ideas.
I’ve been tasked to write something that you good
readers and readettes might actually want to hear.
I wish I could say that we know what we are doing,
where we’re going, what we are talking about…or
why we are doing it for that matter? Or even how this
article will end. It’s our first attempt you see. I guess
you’ll have to wait for clarification from the man with
The Idea.
We are a generally pleasant (a very all-encompassing
term in my opinion, much like beige, which although
generally pleasant is normally used to cover up the
7
possibilities of hidden depths and divisive personality
traits), bunch of willing writers eager to spout
forth our refreshingly perceptive and entertaining
thoughts, musings and opinions unto the world.
Some of us are clever, some of us are funny, some of
us are both and some of us are something entirely
different altogether. Some of us can even think
without moving our lips so, you’re in for a real treat.
While we’re on the subject, I’m also fairly sure at some
point at least one of us has spent a large amount of
time running around dressed as a horned beast on a
boat, trying to hide in people’s cabins. Even I, myself
have the odd anecdote. I was once sick underwater in
Mexico. It was a delightfully unique experience, but
not something I recommend or want to repeat. I’m
also sure at least one of us has climbed a three storey
house to sit on chimney.
In summary, I have no idea what we will try to tell you
through magical medium of magazine. So there you go.
You have been warned.
Having been speaking for a little while and not
saying a lot (quite apt, given that it’s election season)
I should probably wrap things up. From the very
brief and, frankly, poor instructions I’ve been given
at this point by His Mysteriousness, I guess The Idea
is somewhere between the Ikea and the Tesco of
your magazine world (or is it M&S and Waitrose?). It
has all the shelves and draws and bits you need to
develop any kind of mental home you prefer and has
things you need to fill up your newly furnished home
without travelling to far away.
Sounds dangerous.
Now although in future I would like to take the TS
Elliot approach to inspiration, my turgid filth will have
to do for now. Toodles.
By James Hornsby
8
?
GOT A
SUGGESTION
click here
or go to saltangelblue.co.uk/ideas
9
Do we really need
a smartwatch?
Resident ‘techspert’ Jonathan Fox takes a look at all of the
recent hype behind the Apple watch
Imagine the scenario. You’re
basking in the glorious English sun,
sunglasses on, cold beer in hand.
It’s Saturday afternoon, everyone
is mildly less aggressive than usual
and work is a mere cloud on the
horizon.
You are relaxed.
Then suddenly:
“FZZZZZZ, FZZZZZZ”
You’ve left it inside.
“FZZZZZZ, FZZZZZZ”
It’s probably your Mum letting you
know your Grandmas coping well
with the new hip.
“FZZZZZZ, FZZZZZZ”
“FZZZZZZ, FZZZZZZ”
If only there was some way of
reaching it without getting out of
your comfy camp chair. If only there
was a way where your phone was
physically strapped to you for such
circumstances as this.
Sh*t! That’s your phone.
If only...
“FZZZZZZ, FZZZZZZ”
.....
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OK. So a pretty exaggerated point to start with, but you get the idea. Smart watches could so easily be
deemed as another excuse to further ‘lazify’ the human race. And one of the big contenders stepping up
on the racetrack sidelines offering a giant lazyboy, is Apple with their new Apple Watch.
But is it lazy? Or is this another great invention from apple that can really have an effect
on our day-to-day lives. Remember, these are the guys that came up with the
greatest invention so far this millennia; the iPod. That handy little trinket
that sits comfortably in your pocket holding every song you’ve ever
enjoyed at any time. That handy device that kickstarted the
apple revolution and lead them to the global superstars
that they are today.
Surely the guys that hold such a high-profile wouldn’t be
releasing something just to save you from having to go
to the effort of moving our hands to our groin to pick up
a call.
Well maybe.
The world is changing. Rapidly. We are
in the first minute, of the first day of the
full impacts if the internet revolution.
Every cool device, gadget and app, that
is making your life that bit easier than our
Victorian brethren is just the beginning of
things to come.
The internet of things, isn’t just a terribly
coined phrase, it’s actually a big deal that
will have a huge impact on our culture, lives
and future. As a species we are quickly diving
head first into a fully connected world
where immersed in an automated reality.
Imagine a world where your fridge knows
when you’re running out of beer and puts
in your next order for you. A world where
your house appliances automatically brighten and
dimmer depending on which room you are in. A world
where you can physically shake the hand of someone on
the other side of the world over the web (well kinda, it’s
through electrostatic vibration, but still...) Soon you’ll be
able to touch the internet... and it’ll touch you back!
So in that regard, a smartwatch isn’t a bad idea at all. In
that world, a smartwatch will be an important access point
measuring our location, health and habits.
But it’s still a massive challenge. Teenagers generally don’t wear watches
anymore for starters, then there’s the issue of battery life, as well as durability and don’t
even get me started on the price-tag...
11
But this is where the genius of the Apple machine picks up a gear in it’s innovative engine. They
aren’t following the same model as the iPod, the iMac and the iPad. The rules have changed.
They know the long-term benefits of getting into the smartwatch market early, but
they’re also well aware that it’s too pricy for most people.
The current thought process of the average consumer should be:
Do I have £300 to spare?
Plus insurance?
Do I have an iPhone5 or higher to link it too (it
doesn’t work without one)?
Am I buying the Apple watch for other reasons than
just to show off (seriously)?
Will you be able to deal with everyone
wanting to touch and play with it?
Do you find wearing a watch
comfortable?
Only if they answer yes to these
questions are they really likely to
consider splashing out.
So how do you sell something that is
too expensive to buy? Well apparently,
you give it some premium branding,
place it as a luxury fashion accessory
and sell it to the more affluent end
of society. Add some gold and silver
editions for good measure just to
really emphasize the sheer splendor
of this opulent amulet, and get some
well placed and influential friends to
parade their well tanned wrists through the
streets of Silicon Valley.
In one well placed swoop Apple become the
highest earning smartwatch provider, feeding the
vainglorious appetites of the ‘instafamous’ and
‘instarich’, until the price of parts and labour fall
to the point where Apple can release the watch at
a price that the average consumer, being teased and
taunted through tube and tabloid, can finally afford. This is
all gifted to Apple while being stylishly wrapped up in the beautiful
bow of being the first tech company to jump the hard-wired fence of
the tech space, into the high-brow oasis of the fashion industry.
12
Boom. If were wearing a Smart Watch
now I would asking Siri for shares.
So do we really need a smartwatch?
No....
Not yet.
The apps aren’t up to scratch yet, the tech
between operating systems isn’t fluid and
the user experience isn’t intuitive.
But we will. Given the pace of developments
of the tech world, smart watches will be as
common as iPads by about 2017. And they
won’t replace smartphones. They’ll simply
co-exist. We’ll need them to tap into our
homes, to check our health and to reach our
online social life.
So in future those Sunny Saturday afternoons
when your Mum rings to tell you that your
Grandma is coping well with the new hip.
You’ll simply have no excuse not to answer.
by Jonathan Fox
13
life without the right coffee...
DESPRESSO
ESPRESSO
MACCHIATTO
steamed foam
ESPRESSO CON PANNA
whipped cream
espresso
single/double
shot espresso
single/double
shot espresso
LATTE
CAPPUCCINO
FLAT WHITE
steamed foam
steamed foam
steamed foam
hot milk
hot milk
hot stretched milk*
single/double
shot espresso
single/double
shot espresso
single/double
shot espresso
LATTE MACCHIATTO
MOCCHA
AMERICANO
steamed foam
steamed foam
shot espresso
hot milk
hot water
hot milk
hot milk
chocolate syrup
single/double
shot espresso
single/double
shot espresso
To achieve the non-frothy texture the steamed milk is poured from the bottom of the jug, holding back the lighter froth on the top in order to access milk
with smaller bubbles, making the drink smooth and velvety in texture.
14
DEMANDING
DOG?
LET
CAROLE
DO THE
IRONING
The ironing service of the north east
15
Confessions
of a
nonalcoholic
by Rebecca Schriebbe
Everyone knows how it feels to wake up myself in?); and leaning really very intentionally
despairing about their behaviour the night close against my non-single housemate. Who I
before, but Rebecca thinks she’s been there don’t fancy. And THEN... I woke up.
just one time too many...
Of course, I didn’t just wake up. This isn’t
primary school story-writing and I wasn’t
hey’re free because we’re on the guest list.’ having a bad dream. I was having a bad night
‘All 16. Oh yeh I bate it. Wait. Bit, I bit it. I bite, I - a ruinous, got kicked out of Inferno’s, in bed
bit. My lip.’
by one after trying to escape from Macca’s
With my nail. With my nail? Ow that nail sure is (how many nuggets does it take to neutralise
BROKEN now. Oh. My nail is really to the bone 4 double measure?), exposed the schoolgirl
crush I’ve kept secret for months, and wasted
broken. Ow. Why is my lip bleeding.
my birthday outfit, night.
These, are my last coherent thoughts. My last
memories, are: queuing; being inside (did I pay
‘T
16
I’ve been planning my 27th
birthday night out for about a
month. I bought three outfits,
had my legs waxed and applied
fake tan. I made a playlist, bought
some olives and tidied my house
for the pre-drinks.
But somehow, here we are with
nothing but evidence to the contrary.
Ripping Danny’s shirt open in Inferno’s,
scattering buttons and integrity,
pales in comparison to my worst
moments. Telling him I fancy him from
my favourite resting spot under the
I’ve been planning not to get drunk kitchen table (legs akimbo, natch) can
for my 27th birthday night out for be brushed off as drunken jesting.
about three months, since the last
time I made a drunken fool of myself At least there were no floor prints on
and consequently pushed away all my white pillowcase skirt, where I’d
my loved ones that extra irreparable hung out with Nameless in the pisteinch. That time culminated in me side skidoo shed. At least I wasn’t lost
running away from my mum on in the woods in my (underage) haste to
New Year’s Eve at our neighbours’ escape the police. At least I didn’t have
annual party, diving&sliding under to shower chunks of my own vomit
the dining table and hugging my out of my hair, didn’t tear my muscle
friend’s dad’s legs.
attempting the splits, lose my bagshoespursecardigancoat keysphoneI’ve been planning on not getting so cameramakeup, wake up naked on the
drunk I become crazy/ emotional/ floor, wake up fully dressed on the floor,
angry/ dysfunctional/ disorderly/ smoke, consume my weight in garlic
teary/
vommy/
unconscious/ sauce, pull a stranger, pull a friend, or
uncontrollable/
borderline shout at a loved one or several.
schizophrenic (yes I’ve checked all
these boxes) for years. When I was At least I hadn’t felt obliged to yell
younger the morning after would be that JE NE PREND PAS LES DROGUES,
hilarious, all the ‘crazy’ things we’d STEVE just because I’d passed out in
done the night before! Now I wake the loos, he’d kicked the door open,
up to a pit of shame harbouring in and arranged for me to be dragged
my gut.
(literally) up a mountain to my bed.
At least I hadn’t boarded a number
12 at Oxford Circus going south and
woken up on a 148 going west at
Holland Park an undefined amount of
time later (TFL their routes, friends, and
The alleged events with which she then riddle me that.)
filled my blanks included kissing her
and peeing in the sea. He carried I refrained from taking my dress
me into my parents’ house (‘hi, I’m off in the street. I didn’t find myself
Aaron’) at 9.30pm.
inexplicably in a car park and decide
to climb into a stranger’s car. I didn’t
That morning I had all the dread. I get taken home by the police.
effing hate myself. And I’m not even I didn’t fall down a staircase on
a swearer. Mortified did not cover it. pimps&hoes night and wake up with
I well and truly learnt my lesson.
fishnet imprinted into my thigh and
One morning, aged 17, I woke up
half naked covered in sand with a
text from my friend saying: ‘don’t
worry he still likes you.’
’t w
Don k
li
still
“No, this is by no
means the complete
greatest hits. The
point here is, I
remember not one
second of any of the
above.”
17
y he
r
r
o
w
u.
o
y
s
ke
a vertical gouge down my forehead. Because I’m also the girl who still
There was not an all-out temper has a great time when she’s sober.
tantrum when the music stopped.
I’ve actually had countless perfectly
well-behaved good-drunk Big Nights
I’ve outwitted the guy who followed Out. I’m smart, healthy, blessed with
me off the bus in a quiet suburb of great friends and a perfectly nice
Hamburg at 5am on a pitch black life. For these reasons I can’t bear to
January morning; I’ve booked a apologise when I’ve been in a state,
tattoo appointment in a holiday because it sounds like I’m fishing for
resort, to be greeted
reassurance I don’t
with a page of my “I’m the girl you deserve. (Hey, it’s OK
most secret thoughts
see sitting on the to get smashed on
and doodlings when
xyour own birthday,
platform
with
her
I went to complain
babes!) I claim these
and ask for my head in her hands at nights strike without
deposit back the
rhyme or reason, but
Sunday noon.”
next day. That same
they only mystery
holiday I lost a flip-flop in the harbour really is why some nights I knowingly
and attempted to jump the 10ft drop go overboard and others I’m a totally
to reclaim it, then found a different normal drinker.
pair of my shoes at a phone box I’d
visited 24 hours earlier when I’d lost One friend asked are you stressed
all belongings, friends and senses.
with anything you might not realise?
It’s easy to go crazy to release what
I once hot-footed it from my brother your mind is going through without
in a hotel lobby as the transfer coach you even knowing it, she said. (Yes, I
pulled up, because I’m afraid of live with a psycho-analyst, she said.)
planes and I’d rather marry a holiday
rep and waitress in an end-of-the- This is a nice theory. But even if it
earth fishing village for the rest of my were true it wouldn’t change what
life anyway.
I’m doing to my body, my reputation,
my friendships, my sanity.
No, this is by no means the
complete greatest hits. The point Getting like this isn’t OK, only I don’t
here is, I remember not one second know how to fix it. In the meantime,
of any of the above.
here’s to dry May. Tesco do a great
half price Prosecco...
I’m the girl you see sitting on the
platform with her head in her hands by Rebecca Schriebbe
at Sunday noon. No she’s not about to
vom, she’s dying of shame. She can’t
handle her drink and you’re so glad
you’re nothing like her anymore. I’m
the girl who should know better. And
trust me, I do. For me The Hangover
wasn’t a funny film but a story with a
serious moral.
18
7
FAST&
FURIOUS
THE REVIEW
By Philip Airson
“
“
The story is insane
and the acting is like
watching drunk babies!
19
Our film fan Phil is tempted to unleash his inner
boy-racer after watching the latest offering. Get
your guns at the ready.
I am not ashamed to admit that although I had been dubious of the
petrol-head car-porn Fast and Furious franchise, I was sucked in by
the charm of Fast number five. Since then, I have become giddy at the
thought of the new releases.
The films grasp at something childlike in my heart. The adult in me
knows they are dumb - the story is insane, and the acting is like
watching drunk babies. But every time I walk out wanting to call my
friends ‘family,’ buy muscle T-shirts, and drive my crappy car making
vrrrum noises.
This film didn’t disappoint, the stunts were awesome and when Paul
Walker jumped off a bus I literally yelled: “Oh God! What if he doesn’t
make it?”
There was one confusing, awful moment where man-baby Vin Diesel
takes his amnesia-stricken girlfriend (who’s really his wife but she
doesn’t know it - seriously) to a special surprise which he calls a ‘race
war.’ Now, I’m pretty sure he could have googled the term before
throwing it around like that, because it’s not what you’re thinking. It
was bass music and car racing - not like the bad race wars of history.
Another issue I had was with The Rock. Don’t get me wrong, I, like all
men, see The Rock as the pinnacle of what I could achieve in life, even
though I’ll never wake up Samoan. He first appears in a great fight
seqeunce with protagonist and all around b*stard Jason Statham.
Then we don’t see him for almost the entire film, until he just tears
off the medical equipment that’s been kept him out of action for the
duration, smashes an ambulance into a fighter drone, steals it’s minigun and shoots a bag of grenades attached to a helicopter (seriously.)
I’m also assuming sleeves on shirts were banned on set, as the
guns were out like an NRA convention. Baby oil sales tripled must
have during filming. And I don’t think Michelle Rodriguez should be
allowed to attempt emotion in anything ever. Robot roles only from
now on, please.
This film captures what is beautiful about the last two: it’s bloody
good, nonsensical fun! I imagine if I were American I would have
started a USA chant, however I’m British so I just gave it a polite nod
and politely tipped my top hat. Although you could make a pretty
lethal game drinking at every use of a spin camera, or quick shots
over a dance beat, I could still watch these films any day.
The tribute to Paul Walker at the end was touching, though
the uncomfortable amount of smiling did make me feel weird.
Nonetheless, go buy a vest, shave your head, and see this film!
20
It is
alive!
saltangelblue.co.uk
21
FIGHT FOR
EVERY HEARTBEAT
IN THE NEXT
GOVERNMENT
Urgent political action is needed to improve outcomes
for people affected by cardiovascular disease (CVD)
Join the debate on @BHFpolicy or find out more at bhf.org.uk/ge2015
our team
22
Kris Makuch
Editor in chief
Rebecca Schrieber
Assistant Editor
James Hornsby
Contributor
Jonathan Fox
Contributor
?
Phil Airson
Contributor
You!
Future Contributor
23
thanks
A huge thanks to all that contributed to the
opening episode. You are bold, brave and
Now
thoroughly entertaining. A special thanks
what?
to Rebecca the editor, you could
make even the most drunken or
The next steps are
to continue momentum,
rambles appear cohesive.
produce issue two and get a
sense of regularity to the project.
With that comes a view key tasks. We need
to check the interaction, look at the alternative
platforms and build up the community.
None of this will happen over night.
Baby steps my friends.
By issue 001 the aims are to:
Create the mobile version of the website.
Gauge the readership and engagement
Get feedback from said readership
And most importantly, tell more
stories.
Get up. Get in
touch. Get
involved!
We need you!
You have a story, you have ideas, you have
a voice. Get involved. Write us an article! Be in
the next issue!
Email us at: getinvolved@saltangelblue.co.uk
24
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