Lost, gold necklace with letter “K” pendant, great sentimental value, near intersection of NotreDame and St-Martin Blvds. Pls. write Chomedey News c/o Lost & Found, 657 Cure Labelle #250, H7V 2T8. SPA FOR PETS – grooming, massage and “claw”icure. Let us pamper your pet! Full and half day packages available. (450) 698-0212. ROBUST MALE, 91 years young, seeking to meet outgoing, well-endowed female aged 18-28. Write Personals, c/o The Chomedey News, 657 Curé-Labelle, #250, H7V 2T8. GORP 6000 tongue exerciser in original packaging, $50 or best offer. (450) 999-9999. EXCLUSIVE LUXURY CAR DEALERSHIP, Chomedey district. Pintos, Yugos, Oggis, hard-to-find Edsels & more! ULTRACAR (450) 521-4222. FALL IN LOVE... Cute and cuddly southern Black Widow, gorgeous fur and eyes, in need of a good home. Call (450) 987-6543 to adopt. ENTREPRENEURIAL TRAINING for toddlers - get a headstart on their careers, while you’re at work on your own! Chomedey district. (450) 9876543. LOWEST PRICES IN TOWN! No-Frills Airline Inc. Come fly with our highly qualified student pilots. New bring-yourown-fuel option for added savings! Visit our site: www.triptohell.andback. UNBELIEVABLE WEIGHT LOSS BREAKTHROUGH! Patent pending on innovative doctor-supported program of eating less and exercising more. Call (450) 521-4222 or visit www.duh.qc.ca. DO-IT-YOURSELF COSMETIC SURGERY! Take this cool internet course towards a REAL DIPLOMA, and save $$ on your self-improvement procedures. Call now!! 1-888999-9999. ZEN FINANCIAL PLANNING SERVICES INC. Call us to learn to go with the flow... while making money! No need to retire on a monk’s savings. Call now!! 1-800-999-9999. CAN’T QUIT YOUR COFFEE HABIT? New therapy dispenses wonderful pure caffeine through groundbreaking new patch. Set yourself free with the Caffetine Patch! 1-888-911-9111. BE A STAR! It’s time for you to become a star. We can help with your dream. World’s biggest casting agency can help you. You give us your money and we will find producers that need cash and are willing to give you a small part. More money you give the biggest part you will get. Talent is not an issue. Your money is. For more information send us an email at buyourstardomtoday@ yahoo.ca THE LATEST TREND IN LANDSCAPING. Our company will etch crop circles right into your lawn. Take your landscaping right out of this world! 699-9992. THE LORD OF THE SPRINGS MATTRESS FACTORY Your quest for a good night’s sleep is over! Sleep like a hobbit. 450-699-9992. HALLOWE’EN CANDY CLEARANCE! Seaweed lollipops, turnip chews, fruit flavored beef jerky. Try our best seller - chocolate covered ants. Kids love ‘em! 450-987-6543. LET THE EXOTIC FRAGRANCE OF OUR HANDMADE GOAT’S CHEESE SOAP overwhelm you with its timeless aroma. Bulk quantities available, call (450) 9876543 to order. BURIED TREASURE ALL OVER LAVAL! Our maps will lead you straight to the motherlode. Barbe Noir Inc. (800) 999-9999 to order. STUDENTS! WORK/ STUDY OPPORTUNITY IN COLUMBIA! Working in a drug cartel has its benefits: get up late, set your own hours, make lots of $$$, and we hardly ever have to shoot anyone. Plus, soak in Columbia’s serene natural beauty. (800) 999-9999. POLITICALLY CORRECT SURVIVAL KIT! Don’t leave home without it. $19.99 plus S&H. (450) 987-6543. NOTARY EXPERT IN PET INHERITANCES will help you draw up a will leaving everything to your most faithful companion. (450) 987-6543. SNAG THE HOTTEST GIFT THIS SEASON! Trading cards featuring all of Canada’s most popular politicians. From the mysterious Chrétien legacy card to “New Look” Charest - collect them all! 1-800-999-9999, while quantities last. April 14th - we’ll vote for the party of your choice... early and often! (450) 2222222 PROTECTIVE GEAR FOR PEDESTRIANS state-of-the-art impact resistant body armour. Perfect for walking the dog or taking the stroller around the block, now that right turns on red have become legal in Laval. (450) 987-6543 AIRPLANE TICKET TO TORONTO FOR SALE name your price. Please! I’ll throw in a gas mask. (450) 987-6543 MYSTERY MEAT DELICACIES INC. Succulent smoked spam, organ mélange and all your favorites. Suprise packs available! Call (450) 987-6543 for a location near you. DIVORCE BOOT CAMP. Don’t take it lying down - get mad, and get even! Extreme exercise, meditation, healthy eating and even primal scream therapy are all part of the process - you’ll come out looking so good, you’ll make your ex jealous! www. divorcebootcamp.com BEST GARAGE SALE - EVER. Malfunctioning exercise equipment, mouldy magazines from 1952, obscure LPs, signs from the 1995 referendum and an incredibly well-maintained collection of slightly used toothbrushes. Multifamily sale corner Notre-Dame & St-Elzéar. GOTTA GET AWAY? Gorgeous timeshare on Three Mile Island. Forget “nuclear nightmare” - after two decades of decontamination, we are ready to PARTY! www.vacationmeltdown.com ULTIMATE SPAM/ HACKER PROTECTION Our firewall actually shoots flames at anyone who tries to breach your security. Call FIREBALL FIREWALLS at 450-9999999. BORED OF THE RINGS? Harbour a hatred for hobbits? We can help. LOTR self-help group meets on Wed. nights. (450) 5992212 SHOW YOUR SUPPORT for National Hot Dog Day! To purchase banners, posters or buttons for this important event, visit www.hotdog1.com SEE YOURSELF ON THE BIG SCREEN! 200 accomplished mimes to work as extras for blockbuster movie. Call (450) 599-2212 for casting call details. WHO CARES WHAT THE CRITICS SAY! Pre-order the Gigli Deluxe Edition DVD now, and get up to 100% off! www.giglisucks.com SUPER OFF-ROAD NOTRE-DAME: PLAY THE VIDEO GAME that’s sweeping the city. Dodge potholes, drivers who don’t signal and construction workers as you try to reach highway 13 in one piece. Call (800) 999-9999 to order!. BE E C OM E AN EGGSELENT SPELER. Grate softwear that helps beld a strongr vokabularie. Call 450-999-9999 to find out mohr. PLEASE HELP! VW BUG, lost in a pothole on Souvenir near Labelle in Chomedey. $$ Reward if found (girlfriend still inside!) 987-6543. EDGE OF YOUR SEAT ACTION at the World Marble Championship playoffs, April 1-15. Call 999-6543 for details and tickets to the hottest show in town! STAND-IN VOTERS INC. Let us help you out on ARE YOU DEEP IN CREDIT CARD DEBT? We can help with our state of the art exploding credit cards. Stop your bad spending habits at the source! www.explodingcredit.com or the birth of your first grandchild. Watch for our new OCTOPUSGRAM! Laval only, call 450-9876543. LUXURIOUS FUR UNDIES! Get ‘em while they’re hot, limited quantities. Visit Furry Murray’s at www.furrymurrays.biz LOOKING FOR MY BROTHER, Paddy O’Furniture. We were separated in 1962. Please call (450) 683-1111. TRY THE EGGNOG DIET: All the frothy holiday beverage you can handle, just in time for the holidays - you’ll be so nauseous, you won’t want to eat anything else. Call 1-800-999-9999 to send for our free info booklet, just $5 + s&h. OK, IT’S THE HOLIDAYS... so we’ve decided to make the fake ad contest easy for you. Happy holidays to all of our readers, and here’s to a healthy and successful 2004! Yours truly, The Chomedey News and Nouvelles Parc Extension staff and management. OUR ULTRA-MODERN CUSTOM CLOSETS are so advanced they actually incinerate unwanted Christmas gifts, pants that don’t fit well and old handbags you’ve kept too long. Visit www.incineratingclosets.ca! COLLECTOR’S EDITION LAVAL METRO PASSES. Pre-order yours today - although there’s no guarantee you’ll ever get to use it. Only $172.35 plus tax. www.metlav.qc.ca FIESTY VIXEN, just 89 years old, seeking to meet outgoing, hardbodied male 18-28. Send photo, c/o Personals, The Chomedey News, 657 Curé-Labelle, #250, H7V 2T8. JOIN US IN CELEBRATING The Chomedey News Fake Ad Contest’s two year anniversary by buying this special hardcover collection of gag ads - 734 pages, colour pictures, just $59.99 plus tax. Click on www.chomedeynews.ca/ fakeadcollection! TASTELESS WEDDING PLANNERS INC. The people behind the Liza Minnelli-David Gest nuptials, the planned Bennifer ceremony and all eight of Elizabeth Taylor’s unions - what a track record. Let the professionals start you off on a lifetime of happiness with your hubby or honey - call 1-800-911-9111 right away! WHO WANTS TO BE A THOUSAND-AIRE? Local trivia buffs won’t want to miss their chance to battle it out on this brand-new Chomedey television show. Send your audition video to 1000 1000th Avenue, #1, in Chomedey. LACKLUSTER LIBIDO? Sex life limping along? Try HIAGRA, our amazing homemade herbal elixir. Call 450-999-9999 for our stimulating supplement! NEW GOV’T SPONSORED environment initiative aims to promote green space growth by getting a chia pet on every desk in Laval. Visit www. chialaval.qc.ca to get a little piece of nature for your office! SPECIAL OCCASION? SEND A GORILLAGRAM!! Perfect for grandmas’ eighty-fifth birthday ULTRA NEW CROSSBREED, Bull Mastiff-Yorkie puppies! Tough, muscular little dogs with smooth, silky hair. Who needs a Cockapoo or a spoodle go Bullie!! Call 999-9999... they’re going fast! GRACIOUS WATERFRONT ESTATE, elegant and well maintained. Boathouse, conservatory, furnished. Slightly haunted - motivated vendor! Call RHODA RUEN REALTIES at 450-999-9999. STAND-IN VOTERS INC. Let us help you out on June 28th - we’ll send someone in your stead to vote for the party of your choice... early and often! (450) 222-2222 MORE ELECTION PROMISES than you know what to do with? We buy political pledges, new and old, and refurbish them for other interested parties. We pay more than anyone else - and that’s a promise. Visit www.promisespromises.ca One night only - THE LAVAL INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL! Rub shoulders with the likes of De Niro, Tarantino, Moore... the sky’s the limit. Special “L d’Or” award to be announced, visit www. lavalfilm.com IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR... Weary moms are invited to kick up their heels at our annual ‘Back to School Bash’! Sept. 16, 1 p.m., Chomedey Community Center. Dads welcome too. GRAND OPENING of the Awful Poetry Café and Podiatry Clinic on October 1st. Everyone is welcome! Call 999-9199 for more info. PLEASE HELP US FIND OUR PET! Beautiful Black Mamba snake, dark olive scales, about 9 ft. long. Rarely bites, not very venomous. Answers to George. Call (450) 996-2103. PERSONAL PSYCHIC WANTED. You know where to apply. CHEMISTRY & COCKTAIL SET. Make your favorite concoctions in the comfort of your home: cosmopolitan - arsenic - gin & tonic, plastic - wine coolers - asbestos - and more! $49.95, www.don’tbuythis.com WHO NEEDS SNOW REMOVAL! Electrify your front yard and driveway for easy melting all through winter. Not recommended for households with pets. Visit www.zingerdriveway.com FAMILY VALUES! Lost, sometime in the late 60’s till sometime last week, our society’s family values. If you find them please write to LOST & FOUND VALUES P.O. Box 666, Parliament Drive, House of Commons, Canada. MOVING CAN BE FUN Are you planning to move soon? If yes we will show you how to do it yourself cheaper. Are well trained moving consultants will give you all the advice you need to make your move easier and friendlier. You will learn how to prepare for unfortunate incidents such as you brand new bedroom set arriving in 100 pieces... The truck not arriving in time... The rate asked is triple of what you signed for... and last but not least your brand new furniture has been shipped somewhere in Tanzania. Send 39.95 plus shipping and handling of $15 for our moving program ``MOVING CAN BE FUN``. 1234 Movers drive. Chicago Illinois. 50340-556 THE BEST SNOWREMOVAL Winter is over and spring is here... Our dedicated professional staff is ready to clean your driveway from the unwanted white stuff. For pricing inquiries check snowremoval.biz.net CHOMEDEY - 6½, broken floors, not heated, with roof leaking, cockroaches, rats and other lovely rodents. Offered to the highest bidder. Apply in person. You know where. Montreal Are you looking to save money in auto parts. One email and we will get the part you want within 24 hours. We have our teams near all parking malls ready to “borrow” the car that has the parts you need. Email: johny@autopartsborrowed.com STOP CUTTING YOUR GRASS This year throw that lawnmower away. Our team of experts will do it all for you and for free. Call Mrs Brown Moo or Mr. White Beh at 1800-MooBeh. COMMUNICATE WITH ALIENS Get prepared for any Alien encounter. Our specialists will teach you all the dialects you need to know in order to prevent being fried or vaporized like in “WAR OF THE WORLDS”. Call 1-450254-6855. OIL IN SPACE Become the next oil tycoon. Now is your chance to tap in the new findings of our ACME SPACE CORPORATION. Our scientists have found a way to extract oil substance from the Moon. To receive your Financial prospectus send your banking info at getrichwithoil@acmespacecorp.com DIPLOMAS FOR YOU. Don’t waste your time going to school. For a small fee you will receive at home the Diploma of your choice. Also available preschool, and elementary diplomas. Will accept payment with digimon cards. Enquire today write at Too Lazy to go to school. 711 Skip class Avenue. 124567 Tampa Florida. WE WILL CLEAN YOU UP. If you have no time to clean up your house, no worry. Our experts in break and entering will be glad to do it for you. Special handling for folks that have lots of good stuff..E-mail Tyronne at cleaningupservices@jailhouserock.com TURKEY FOR SALE. Turkey partially eaten. Only 9 days old. Both drumsticks still intact. $19 or best offer Call Arnie at 1-888-Turkeys. Candidates for Hire. With a federal election on our way, our clients (various political federal parties) are looking for good looking people to fill in already doomed ridings. You must not have a criminal record anywhere in the world. Losers in the recent municipal elections most welcome. Email politiciansforhire@Communicationsredbluegreenyellow.com Our herd of animals will do it the nature way. You can choose from sheep, chickens and for those big areas bull’s (poop). Warning not to be confused with what politicians promise before an election... Send e-mail to poopthatgrass@ poopers.com Santa Claus Uniforms Federal election candidates make your holiday canvassing a success. We will sell you Santa Claus and Mrs Clause uniforms for your door to door and shopping mall canvassing. You may also work in front of a department store to collect “donations” for your campaign. Included Free vocal lessons tape for your to improve your ho ho ho. Send your money order of $99.99 to Santa Claus Uniforms for Federal Elections. North Pole, Hoh Hoh. CleanSweep is this new and amazing cleaning device which detects dust, prints and grime. Press on the start button and it’ll make your floors, walls and windows spotless! For a free evaluation of this incredible product, call 1-832-555-1212. Give it a try! Replacement voters This Federal Election you do not need to go out and vote. We will do it for you. Our trained staff will gladly replace you at the polling station. Elections 2006 Me and my familia in Tihuana Mejiko are ready to vote for you Do you have great night vision? Able to fit down a chimney in a jiffy? Don’t mind cold nights and are free December 24th? If you answered yes to these questions then I’ve got the job for you! Excellent benefits! Work just one night a year! Send resume to: Santa Claus, 1 Santa Blvd. North Pole, H0H 0H0. LOSERS ANONYMOUS. If you were a candidate in the recent federal election and you lost, do not worry. You are not alone. Our organisation will help you to deal with it. John Turner and Kim Campel are among our successful alumni. For more infornation email administration@losersanonymous.ca Valentine for Hire. This Valentine don’t celebrate alone. Our Professionals romantic escorts our here for you. We have all nationalities all genders and all creatures. email at ineedyouforvalentineday@ valentinesforhire.com. Wanted: Olympic Hockey team to be able to sate, pass,and score. Apply to 514-555-5555. Looking for a used car? Why get cheated elsewhere. Come to Sleazy Joe’s where you will regret buying a car.Franchises available. Call 1-832-555-1212. WANTED: Moody, indecisive candidate to replace former Parti Quebecois minister Pauline Marois. Experience with losing bids to become party leaders needed. If YOU are experienced at angering large amounts of the population and creating dysfunctional daycare systems, we want you! Apply to (514) 555-5555. Lrg 8¾ rm hse in LVL, 4½ b/d/r, 1 very lrg l/r, 1 bsmt l/r, 2 bt/rms with lrg fr/ yd and abv s/p in bk/y call for ap/tm /514/555/5555. Natural Fertilizers: We have the solution for your landscaping. No need to buy fertilizers. All new Smoking inspector identification DETECTOR for sale as of May 31, fast and easy installation, a must have for all FULL service restaurants and other public establishments. For free demonstration using certified true to life inspector simulations, make an online appointment at www.smokeemifugotem. com Protect yourself from home invasions. We will close up and seal your doors and windows and build you an escape tunnel along the city sewer system. Guaranteed secure against any potential home invaders, for an appointment log on to: www.mastersealit.com. International soccer referees for hire. They will sit with you on your couch in front of your wide screen. Guaranteed not to miss a single offside or illegal tackle. You will feel as if you were on the field, in Germany at the World cup. Preview your ref on our web site: neverwrongrefs.com Perfect holiday snap shots. Tired of having thumb in the lens photographs of your vacation? We have the solution for you: we will provide a complete set of snaps shots of your perfect vacation. The set is available as soon as George, Voula and family are back in town. This amazing set will be photoshoped to mach your family’s features as close as possible. Reserve now visit us at www.pictureitsbygeorg.com This summer Koolit will cool you down. Amazing but true. Developped by a team of experts in Congo, the Koolit is a food supplement that you take every day and it keeps you cool as if you were living in a temperature of 20 degrees Celsius. 2 supplements and you go down to 17 degrees. Mail orders only. Send email to thissummeriwillbecool@koolit.com. This fall you do not need to go to school. Many of our clients are in big corporations and sit in Government… Just choose the field you want to work in and we will send you your diploma. For a little extra you will get great reference letters, copy of appropriate awards and if you provide a portrait photo we will send you photos of you in front of corporations where you worked… Email your request to sendmemydiplomasnow@impostors.com. EDGE OF YOUR SEAT ACTION at the World Marble Championship playoffs, September 31st. Call 999-6543 for details and tickets to the hottest show in town! Put a stop to airport security harassment. Yes you read right. We have the solution the next time you travel by air. Our Scientists have perfected a chemical solution that will transform your face into that of George Bush…No more waiting in line, taking off your shoes, your belt etc… You will pass through like a ghost. Just say if asked that you are lost and you are looking for your secret service detail. They will believe you.You will look like a Bush, talk like a Bush and if you prolong the treatment you will start thinking like a Bush. For more details email bushalikesolution@akme. comAnd now for all those masochists we have the Ben Laden solution… at iambenladen@akme.com Lost somewhere in Vimont, my lovely pet Charlie.He is a 500 pounds lion (230 kgs) and 10 feet in length.If you see him call me ASAP at 450333-1212.Warning do not approach him because he may be hungry... Found Charlie. On Thanksgiving day I visited Park Safari with my family. As we were heading to the lions cage, my son pointed at one of the lions. It was Charlie. He found new friends and seemed happy to be among his kind. A must have Amazing snow removal item. Snow Wrap. Invented in total secrecy somewhere in the world, this amazing cellophane sheet is the solution for your snow removal. Just lay it down on the surfaces that you do not want to shovel and the Snow Wrap will evaporate in thin air all the snow this winter. Comes in all sizes and colours. Only $1 a sq. ft For info send email at amazingsnowwrap@ inventions2006 We have the answer to your recent property evaluation increase. For a flat fee of $95.99 our computer management experts will ‘change’ your increase by only 9%. For more info email at reducemyevaluationnow@computertakeovers.moldavia.com Notice is hereby given that we, the beavers of the Laurentians, demand that the Harper government pass a motion in the House of Commons that Laurentian Beavers form a nation of their own within Canada. This notice is given on November 30th 2006. Renting for the winter, owner gone south. Located in quiet area next to a parc, great view of the river and good distance from local stray cat. Ideal for scavengers: fast food restaurant at ground level. Must see, tree #150, 000 boul Curé-Labelle branch #23. This holiday season our hair salon is very busy and is looking for hairdressers. Experience not necessary. Lawnmower and landscaping experience welcomed. For the job present yourself to 1111 Robert Bourassa Avenue and ask for Louise. Time is running short and our client(a political party)is looking for people that have free time which names will be used in public and faces will be plastered all over for others to see. Well groomed, with unstained teeth and seniors with new dentures will be preferred.Also depending on demand we encourage candidates of all ethnic backgrounds especially visible minorities.Special consideration will be given to school commisioners, and municipal councillors. Please email your CV and a recent photo of yourself at electioncandidatesforhire@hiring.com JOIN US IN CELEBRATING The Fake Ad Contest’s five year anniversary. Visit our website, we have put together a list of our best fake ads for you to enjoy.(ps. this is the fake ad) Travelers PLEASE HELP!!! If you are a Time Traveler from Dimension D1263GT10, year 2008 or Dimension D2044GT5, year 2432 and or in possession of the Dimensional Warp Generator wrist watch, the Carbon Copy Replica model #52 4350 series or similar technology I need your help! My entire life and health has been messed with by evil beings! I simply need the safest method of transferring my consciousness or returning to my younger self with my current mind/memory. I need an advanced time traveler to work with who can help me, I’d would prefer someone with access to teleportation as well as a variety different types of time travel. This is not a joke! I am serious! Please send a separate email to me at: spacedoutintime@ timeit.com if you can help! Thanks Lost a political candidate, somewhere in the area of Budgetroad and Policyway. Reward offered: pass to head of the line at local hospital emergency room. If candidate found in good mood, please call any of our three green parties; otherwise call moneybags Flaherty. Caribbean branch of advertising agency is looking for ad scam artist. Must have experience and have made front page of newspaper in country of origin. Candidate must be willing to work side by side with Jean Lafleur, if we can find him. Send CV to scamsareus@costarica.cr The Federation For Aliens Rights (regrouping all Alien associations outside the Milky way Galaxy) will hold their general assembly this coming Sunday Alien year 22207 (earth year 2007) at the usual time and usual underground convention center. The main topic of this assembly is: The right of Aliens to participate in various earthly sporting events and their right to use their zappers to win the tournaments. For more information send your telepathic thoughts to your local leaders. Me and my family of 5 will be happy to ea.., sorry cut your grass and cra. Sorry fertilize it. Send me an email: mooingyourlawn@cowws.com. On special this week, dandelion eating critter for rent, comes with own cage crittersthatwork@ perfectolawn.com. SINGLE W HITE FEMALE with black spots seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I’m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 4044040 and ask for Daisy, I’ll be waiting.... Are you jealous of your neighbours beautiful and expensive pave way? You do not have the money to do the same. No worry. Holographic pavement inc has the solution at a fraction of the price. Our unique technology creates a make belief pave way for all to see even if its not real. Only you will know that it does not exist. Everyone else will believe that they are walking on a beautiful expensive paveway. For a demonstration go to www. virtualpaveways.com. Heat wave? Learn how to bring down your body temperature. Ancient Maya technic will enable you to be cool and dry even at 50 degrees celcius. Inquiries: areyoujokingme@coolmail. Tan all you wish with no Sunburn. Our amazing pill SUNTANS UNLIMITED will keep you in the sun as long you want with no sunburn. Place your order for your 100 tablet bottle only $49.99 plus shipping and handling at www.suntansunlimited.haha. CAN’T QU I T YOURCOFFEE HABIT? Newtherapy dispenses wonderfulpure caffeinethrough groundbreakingnew patch. Set yourselffree with the CaffetinePatch! 1-888-911-9111. LOWEST PRICES IN TOWN! No-Frills Airline Inc. Come fly with our highly qualified student pilots. New bring-yourown-fuel option for added savings! Call (450) 2232222 to book your trip. Now you can eat your greasy french fries, full of fat hot dogs, all the junk food that you like and drink liters of liquids full of sugar without health complications. ACME Laboratories has developed the TRANSFAT Eliminator pill. This amazing pill destroys all the transfat from the junk food and replaces it with vitamins and minerals you need. For your free sample e-mail transfatleminator@ acme.com The black bears and grizzlies association of northern Quebec is holding a food raising event this Sunday at your local garbage dump to collect food for bears in need hibernating in the tundra. let your best friend dine alone; all can now enjoy the company of a valentine: For lease, all shapes and sizes, genders and ages, hairy or furry, dogs or cats. See our selection at: petleasing .com Beat the traffic and roadwork. Use our mobile patent pending TRANSPORTER ROOM for all your needs. Imagine from your house to the office in 5 seconds. Note: side effects include separation of body parts, brain tissue and lost in space. Free for the first 1000 orders. Order yours at trafficsolution@transporterroom.ca Join the Ile-Paton Liberation Movement. If Kosovo can do it, so can we! Tired of paying taxes to Canada, Quebec and Laval, school taxes, business taxes and sales taxes? Only 50 signatures needed before we present our request to the United Nations. Your tax savings in the country of Ile-Paton, will be sufficient to pay your condo fees and have plenty left for your $1.20/ litre fill-up. Signatures will be accepted on our website: www.ilepatonnation.com Transform your four season tires to winter tires. Yes now you can do it with our amazing Winter Tire Formula. Just open your tire valves and put 10 drops of our Winter Tire Formula. When winter comes your summer tires will grip on snow and ice thanks to our amazing formula that transforms the adherence of tires. For your supply e-mail your credit card info to us. From the inventors that gave you the TIRE TRANSFORMATION formula now comes a new revolutionary lotion. GORILLA HAIR. Yes this amazing lotion made with Gorilla DNA will give you back your hair in all the places you lost it. Hurry limited time before FDA and Health Canada stops us. Email your usual info at transformance@gorillahair.com Snow Removal : This winter trust our team of “removal” experts for your snow and other belongings. Call The Winter B&E team. Our slogan: “If it has value it will be removed”. For free estimates call 1-889-B&E Team Stop frying your brain to stop your various addictions and emotional problems. From the folks that brought you TIRE TRANSFORMATION FORMULA and GORILLA HAIR now comes MAGIC LIQUIDS. Try our yellow Magic Liquid to Stop Smoking, our red Magic Liquid to Stop Cursing, our blue Magic Liquid to Stop Feeling Blue our brown Magic Liquid to Stop Constipation and our special green Magic Liquid to Stop Being Poor. Check our website for details. www.magicliquids.com Very affordable and convenient “Portable Smoking Booth” now available. Comes with AC and Heating, folds up to the size of a briefcase, financing available. Visit us at: www.smokimifyougothem.com Do you believe in magic? How you ever thought to getting rid of your mother in-law, and that mean colleague at work? Have you ever thought of traveling without hassles and without paying. Now you can. Our internet course “Become a Magician” will give you all the powers you wish you had. Register today at hocuspocusschool@magic.com. Tutorials available This valentine, don’t Are you fed up with snow removal crews throwing the snow on your property? Our specialized security guards will protect your property from such situations. Also special rates from protecting you from your mother in-law or your ex. Call us SECURWHATEVER 1-899-9999-8888 Hear a crack coming from your roof? Afraid that it will collapse from the weight of the recent snowfall? Don’t panic, the city has provided its residents a melting device called the Hot Air Blower. CALL 811 to reserve, a clerk is ready to ship out the Blower to fly over your house and melt your fears away. LOWEST PRICES IN TOWN! No-Frills Airline Inc. Come fly with our highly qualified student pilots. New bringyour-own-fuel option for added savings! Call 1-8999999-8888 to book your next trip. Send your CV at hiring@ expertpoliticians.org Forget the iphone. Innovation Worldwide Industries have developed the new mphone. Packages include free incoming calls, free text messaging, free internet, free everything. No monthly fees. You buy our phone and is ready to use around the world. Only $9 999. To order send email at mphone@innovationworldwideindustriesinc Are you fed up with erroneous weather predictions. For up to the minute precise weather forecasts, call the True Weatherman at 1-887-212 1212. ULTIMATE SPAM/ HACKER PROTECTION Our firewall actually shoots flames at anyone who tries to breach your security. Call FIREBALL FIREWALLS at 450999-9999. We are looking for lazy, hazy, sunny summer days. Willing to barter, one shovel of last winter’s snow for each hour of sunshine. We will foot the bill for delivery. E-mail us at: thesunisneeded@oursummer.downthedrain Calling all readers, search no further, this is you fake ad. We are celebrating our anniversary this month. We have been around for 15 years and have tried to bring you fake ads to make you laugh, smirk, ponder or just think twice about how ridiculous news items may some times sound from a different point of view. Trained Eagle will put up your candidates poster higher than your opponents. 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Please sign up at myfebcar.work Acme Electronic SUN. Now available direct from the R & D department of the ACME company. Fed up looking through the curtains of rain that besets us currently, desperate to get some sunshine, call us at 1-8962323. We will install your personal 300 foot radius Electronic Sun. STOP CUTTING YOUR GRASS This year throw that lawnmower away. Our team of experts will do it all for you and for free. Call Mrs. Brown Moo or Mr. White Beh at 1800-Moo-Beh. Our client- a municipal party- is looking for candidates to fill up its roaster. You must have a clean criminal record and look good in photos. Saying yes to the party’s leader is mandatory. Must be willing to bear the party colours on their face at all times. Living in the area is not necessary because the party will provide you with a temporary local address. Send your c.v.: candidates@municipalparty.org 20/20 vision at your fingertips. 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Email me at david@inyourdreams.com (Fake Ad) Open house – Chomedey. Sunday 1AM- 4AM, Waterfront property, open concept (no exterior walls), close to transportation and schools. Strategically located under the north-west side of Pont-Lachapelle. Flash light recommended for visit. Recently laid off, now looking for work. Relatively fast and efficient worker, likes working with kids in a festive work environment. Can bring a smile to anyone’s face. Good looking and great white furry ears. Would take any clerical work as long as it is on a green lawn. Call me, my name is Easter Bunny or see my CV. at www.easterbunnyoutofwork.helpme Recently sold my husband, looking for new worker to do spring cleaning. Part time only. Must be able to recognize dusty areas, clean them, and report back without a beer in hand. Must do windows without drawing the neighbor”s wife’s picture on them and report back without a glass of wine in hand. Must be able to see the difference between garbage and my favorite cactus and through away same, not the cactus! Send your CV to springblues@ mustclean.soon NHL hockey referees for hire. They will sit with you on your couch in front of your wide screen. Guaranteed not to miss a single high stick or holding. You will feel as if you were on the ice, in Pittsburgh or at the Bell Centre. Preview your ref on our web site: neverwrongmyrefs.com New, remote control for NHL hockey puck. The remote comes with the official “Flyers” logo on it, features auto sensor designed to beep loudly when in close proximity to Halak and a glowing red light illuminating a 100 square foot area, when at less than 100 feet from “PK”. Come see it perform on our site at neverwrongmypuck.com MOVING CAN BE FUN We will show you how to do it yourself cheaper. Our moving consultants - expert mule trainers in the off season - will give you all the advice you need to make your move easier and friendlier. You will learn how to prepare for an unbalanced mule load, how to avoid road congestion - at least the ones you are not causing - how to deal with mule droppings on your new front lawn. Our consultant will also provide you with a copy of city bylaws governing temporary shelter of farm animals. Finally, we can assure you that your brand new furniture will not be shipped somewhere in Tanzania, since our mule union does not allow for travel abroad. Call us for a free estimate.(fake ad) WE WILL CLEAN YOU UP. If you have no time to clean up your house, no worry. Our experts in break and entering will be glad to do it for you. Special handling for folks that have lots of good stuff..E-mail Tyronne at cleaningupservices@jailhouserock.com International soccer referees for hire. They will sit with you on your couch in front of your wide screen. Guaranteed not to miss a single offside or illegal tackle. You will feel as if you were on the field, in South Africa at the World cup, we will throw in a free recording of the ”vuvuzela” for background noise simulation. Preview your ref on our web site: neverwrongtherefs.com. (fake ad) Wash your clothes adding our special fabric softener and when the temperature rises over 24 you will feel you will be cooled by the special ingredients we put in your fabric. Hurry limited quantities limited offer for info e-mail us at areyoukiddingme@coling fabrincsofterner.com. (fake ad) This summer, beat the traffic and roadwork. Use our mobile patent pending TRANSPORTER ROOM. Imagine from your house to the office in 5 seconds. Note: side effects include separation of body parts, brain tissue and lost in space. Order yours at trafficsolution@transporterroom.ca (fake ad) Lost my green space somewhere in downtown Laval. It used to hang around the Montmorency subway station but my groundhog reported it lost and nowhere to be found. If you come across it, please call me. Rent the perfect school bus, comes with the ASIMO robot as driver, never late or early at your child’s bus stop. Will not scratch your car thanks to its extended arm that picks up your child and stuffs him or her harmlessly in the bus. Seats are equipped with full body harness, no more heads out of the windows. Call your school board for further details. The Water gun registry, contrary to the real gun registry serves a greater purpose. Children are required to register any and all water guns with the ministry of Mom, to avoid giving the ministry of Dad an upper hand in the water battle. Please register ASAP. Your chance to win a full service, no waiting time, pass to the emergency clinic if your choice. No strings attached, no specific medical condition required. Only mandatory condition:must be living. First draw to be held soon, call us now. Rug-rat daycare is opening soon. 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Since Laval and the greater Montreal areas have totally different winter conditions than the rest of Canada, we are searching for a Quebec version of the ground hog predictor. Should you be a candidate for this position, please read our job offer on line at www.lavalnews. ca/groundhogpridictions. You must be perfectly bilingual. On the eve of the federal elections, our newly formed political party is looking for fresh and new faces as part-time candidates, criminals and fraudsters eligible. Send your CV to candidates@ nohopeparty.ca A must have Amazing snow removal item. Snow Wrap. Invented in total secrecy somewhere in the world, this amazing cellophane sheet is the solution for your snow removal. Just lay it down on the surfaces that you do not want to shovel and the Snow Wrap will evaporate in thin air all the snow this winter. Comes in all sizes and colours. Only $1 a sq. ft For info send email to amazingsnowwrap@ inventionstofit Looking for a used car? Why get cheated elsewhere. Come to Sleazy Joe’s where you will regret buying a car. Franchises available. See our available models at www.fourweelsandawindow.free Since spring has sprung, Carole has been looking for her hunk. He is average height, brown medium length hair, last report saw him coming out of the Hibernation club at the Zoo. If anyone has seen him, report your sighting at www.iamherecarole.goodluck Found a political candidate, somewhere in the area of Budgetroad and Policyway. If you misplaced one, ours mesures’up’, has blue eyes, a promising look and arms full of election goodies. Contact him at electionsagain@gotyourvote Our polling professional firm is looking for professional mediums to predict the Federal election results. Please email mediumswanted@electionresults2011.com Forever Artificial sun for sale. Guaranteed to shine, nothing to do , no maintenance, this heavenly body will hover over you as you commute to work or visit your backyard pool. Spring Special, Natural Fertilizers. 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Send your name and address at magiccarpet@magicitems.com This summer, keep the information highway safe, be the first to get your official operators license to drive a computer. Send your name to licencetodriveacomputer@ magicitems.com. Back to school: Take away the burden of waking up your kids for school with our automatic alarm sprinkler. State of the art technology sprinkles your kids with water. The water flow increases by the minute up to two buckets. It is recommended to buy also our automatic water soaking linen that absorbs all the water… Buy the two for only $19.95 plus shipping in handling. Ask our operator for 1 day delivery. Call 899-222-2333 Tired of school? Many of our clients are in big corporations and sit in Government… Just choose the field you want to work in and we will send you your diploma. For a little extra you will get great reference letters, copy of appropriate awards and if you provide a portrait photo we will send you photos of you in front of corporations where you worked… E-mail your request to sendmemydiplomasnow@ impostors.com. Independent engineer will inspect your bridge or overpass. Send your request to nonetobefound.inspectme, you must be able to guarantee a safe working environment (no falling debris around area to be inspected). Pass through water, air and rock, travel through the earth at a speed greater than light. We are taking reservations for our inaugural trip, in 2020. Our passengers are transformed into neutrinos and reappear on the other side reconstitut- ed. Entirely safe by then, reserve now at www.beammetherescotty.universe New Calendar For Sale: Be the first to share the same calendar as our MPs. Enjoy a thanksgiving break that lasts one week, a summer break that lasts all summer, you can even stop the calendar from running, using prorogation of parliament, to get out of a jam or to avoid scrutiny ... and many more unmentionable advantages. Call today 514/555/5555. Want to go south but cannot afford it? Call us and we will set up your own private resort back yard. Our professional painters will spread a dash of sand colour on your snow, if there is any, and provide an elegant pool backdrop rendering along with a snow blower converted into a heat blower, all for a fraction of the price of trip down south. DO-IT-YOURSELF COSMETIC SURGERY! Take this cool internet course towards a REAL DIPLOMA, and save $$ on your self-improvement procedures. Call now!! Holiday shopping getting to you? We have the solution. Give us your list and credit cards and we will shop for you. We are your Friendly White Collar Criminal Inc. Give us a call today and enjoy Christmas. Do you have great night vision? Able to fit down a chimney in a jiffy? Don’t mind cold nights and are free December 24th? If you answered yes to these questions then I’ve got the job for you! Excellent benefits! Work just one night a year! Send resume to: Santa Claus, 1 Santa Blvd. North Pole, H0H 0H0. Found an extra day on the calendar this year, if anyone has lost a day in 2011, please contact me, I have kept it safe for you, at the end of February but do not know what to do with it. Looking for a snowwoman for the winter carnival. Must be willing to travel across the province, be made totally of genuine Quebec snow, (except for the eyes and nose), provide a guarantee of freshness and promise not to melt before the end of the carnival period and finally must be accompanied by a certified snowperson maintainer at all times. Call us for an interview. Be the first to own your personal automatic carwash. You park your car in the garage at night and the next morning it is washed and waxed ready to confront the cold Canadian winter for another day. Free installation. Water tax charges apply. Visit us at www.inyardreamsbuddy.hope Spring break is coming soon, plan your ski week with the help of Snow Guaranty Inc. We will guaranty that you will see snow on the hill of your choice, Our state of the art satellite sends virtual snow images to cover your favorite winter wonder hill. Reserve now at www.dreamingosnow .beleiveit. Found a leprechaun’s pot of gold. Come and claim it soon, everyone is following the rainbow tied to it… they eventually end up on my doorstep. The lineup is so big you’d think I was having a liquidation sale! CleanSweep is this new and amazing cleaning device which detects dust, prints and grime. Press on the start button and it’ll make your floors, walls and windows spotless! For a free evaluation of this incredible product, Visit www.cleansanweepit. goforit. Give it a try! Mature Easter Bunny looking for work. Must earn income till age of 6 (equal to 67 in human age), because of changes to Canada’s Old Age Security Pensions (OAS) announced in the 2012 Federal Budget. Will accept any work for remuneration. Transform your spring lawn into a golf course at low cost and finally make money on those gofer wholes. For a few dollars we will send our expert gofers from your local golf club to do the job. See what your back yard would look like at www.goforgolfnow.yuppy EDGE OF YOUR SEAT ACTION at the world class kindergarten “student demonstration”. Call us for details and tickets to the hottest show in town! Tulip Patch filled with tons of original long stem Dutch tulips will be auctioned off next week. All resident hares and rabbits invited to put in a bid. I just hope next year all the local hares and rabbits go there and stay out if my currently flowerless back yard. Demonstration, everybody is doing it! We have notified the authorities of our demonstration to be held in 8 days from today so it is safe to join. We will gather at the local beach to sit in the sun in protest of the existence of red lights on street corners. We feel we pay too much for the maintenance of something that hinders our freedom to walk. Found pots, pans and wooden spoons on the sidewalk last weekend. Could the owners who forgot them during last demonstration please come and pick them up. View the photographs of the said articles at www. lotsonoisemaking.gotem Nice weather guaranteed. Be the first to own a new weather magnet, to pull the nice weather pattern to your location. This magnet comes fully equipped with a dehumidifier. For information visit www.yougottabekidding. dreamon Alien Party of Quebec is looking for candidates. Should be able to understand French and English as well as one Alien language and look presentable, no furry candidates hiding facial features. Urgent, call the APOQ ASAP. The art of voting. We offer courses on how to vote on September 4th. Graduates will be awarded a diploma on the day of the elections after having successfully voted. Our photographer will be on hand to snap our graduates in action and the subsequent diploma presentation surrounded by party representatives. Register now. LOSERS ANONYMOUS. If you were a candidate in the recent Quebec election and you lost, do not worry. You are not alone. Our organization will help you to deal with it. Mario and Robert are among our successful alumni. For more information email info@ looosersanonymous.ca We are calling for tenders for the construction of a summer preservation device. The plans are available for consultation at our web site: www.foreversummersinabottle.yessirs. Standard deposit required, no bribes accepted. DIPLOMAS FOR YOU. Don’t waste your time going to school. For a small fee you will receive at home the Diploma of your choice. Also available preschool, and elementary diplomas. Inquire today write to Too Lazy To Go To School. 711 Skip class Avenue, Yourtown Quebec. Pumpkins fully carved. Tired of carving your pumpkins for Halloween, try our self carving units, finally no mess and fast! Be the first to own one visit our site: www.yougottabekidding.dreamon My 35 year old son’s room must be filled up by the time he gets home from vacation. Please rent the space for storage ASAP. He might understand it is time to get his own place. Visit his room on the following site: www.yougottabekidding.dreamon Start your New Year well, do you Holiday cleanup early. Your X-mas cleanup should start with big things first: Trash last year’s tree, buy a new one, get husband to set it up, trash the husband but do not buy a new one, spring will come soon enough and you will pick one up on special. Want more of these perfect Holiday hints call me, you know where. Looking for a used car? Why get cheated elsewhere. Come to Sleazy Joe’s where you will regret buying a car.Franchises available. Call 1-832-5551212. JOIN US IN CELEBRATING The Fake Ad Contest’s ten year anniversary. Visit our website, we have put together a list of our best fake ads for you to enjoy. To mark this anniversary, we will be awarding 4 movie passes to the winners of this issue’s contest instead of 2.(ps. this is the fake ad for this issue)