1. family and parenting

Family Caregiver Support
JAN — MAR 2015
The SYNERGIST
Published quarterly by:
Family Meetings
Inside this issue:
Family Meetings
1
Powerful Tools
1
Caregiving with
Your Siblings
2
CRC Wins Award
3
Support Groups
3
CRC Partner
Agencies
4
Tips for Winning
Support of Siblings
4
Family Caregiving
Educational Series
FREE CLASSES
Tuesday 01/20/15
1:30-3:00pm
Principles of Caregiving.
Tuesday 02/17/15
1:30-3:00pm
Karin Little, MSW
I often have caregivers ask me, “How do I get my brother (or any other family member) to
help me care for our mother”? In talking with the caregiver, I find that they have been caring for their mother for several years and haven’t gotten any help from any family members
and those family members live close by. In other families, it is that family members don’t
agree on the type of care that is being provided or that they recognize that the situation is
no longer working and must be changed, but they cannot agree on how to make the
change.
In these situations, I will often recommend that they have a family meeting. This is an opportunity to bring the whole family together to discuss the situation. I encourage the caregiver to invite anyone and everyone, who they would like to be there and even some people
that they don’t want to be there. It is important to have everyone there, so that everyone
knows what is happening and will, hopefully, buy into the decisions that are made. I have
the caregiver ask each person what issues they would like to discuss. We then collate the
list and whittle it down to about three or four issues. I create an agenda for us to use, in
order for us to keep on task.
At the meeting, I explain that we will keep to the agenda and not discuss past issues. I also
explain that everyone is allowed to talk and express their opinions and feelings. However, I
let them know that I will be working to keep the discussion positive and focused on goals.
(continued on page 2)
Looking at the Calendar…Powerful Tools for Caregivers!
Health Insurance Coverage.
Offered on six consecutive Tuesdays from February 10th through March 17th, 2015 from
2:30pm to 5:00pm in Brea , or on six consecutive Thursdays from April 9th through May
14th, 2015 from 1:00pm to 3:30pm in Huntington Beach.
Tuesday 03/17/15
1:30-3:00pm
Class info will help you improve your self-confidence & problem solving skills. Lessons &
discussion allow you to take the “tools” provided & put them into action. You will learn to:
Assistive Technology
All Classes are at St. Jude
Community Services, 130
W. Bastanchury, Fullerton
92835
Take care of yourself • Reduce stress • Make tough decisions • Reduce guilt, anger & depression • Set goals & learn to problem solve • Communicate effectively with doctors, family
members & paid attendants.
To join this class, please call the CRC and register at: 800-543-8312.
Page 2
Family Meetings (continued from page 1)
At the end of the meeting, people have agreed to some goals and specified how they will
work to accomplish those goals.
This is not a magic formula that solves all of the problems, but it is a way for everyone to
learn what is going on, discuss options and reach agreement on how to proceed. It is
important to have an outsider as the moderator, as they can be neutral, not having a personal “agenda”. If a family member is the moderator, other family members may allow
their feelings about that person or past experience with that person to make it difficult to
“hear” or respect them. An outsider might also be able to “see” things that the family cannot see and/or be able to offer suggestions that the family never considered.
Caregiving with Your Siblings
Photos by Karin Little, MSW
Family
Meeting
Question:
If we could be
the best family
that we could
be, what kinds
of things would
we be doing
and saying.
~
Connected Families
connectedfamilies.org
Providing care for your parents can be complicated. When your brothers and sisters are
also involved, caregiving can become even more complex. While your siblings can be
enormously helpful and your best support, they can also be a source of stress.
Today's adult children and their parents are going through a new kind of family transition.
Because parents are living longer—but with chronic illnesses—their adult children are
now caring for them for up to a decade or more. Siblings—or in some cases stepsiblings—might not have a model for how to work together to handle caregiving and the
many practical, emotional and financial issues that go with it. There is no clear path guiding who should do what, and or no roadmap for how siblings should interact as mature
adults. While some families are able to work out differences, many others struggle.
Siblings are also going through a major emotional passage that stirs up feelings from
childhood. Watching our parents age and die is one of the hardest things in life, and everyone in the family will handle it differently.
It's normal to feel a wide range of emotions. You may find that needs arise for love, approval, or being seen as important or competent as a sibling. You may not even be conscious of these feelings, but they affect the way you deal with your parents and with each
other. So without realizing it, you may all be competing with each other as you did when
you were kids. Now, however, the fights are over caregiving: who does or doesn't do it;
how much; and who is in charge.
This is a hard time, so have compassion for yourself, and try to have compassion for your
siblings. You don't have to excuse negative behavior, but try to imagine the fear, pain or
need that is causing your siblings to react as they do. That kind of understanding can
defuse a lot of family conflict.
Families often don't think through who becomes the primary caregiver and what supporting roles other family members will play. Caregiving may start when the sibling who lives
nearby or has a close relationship to the parent helps out with small things. You may not
Page 3
Caregiving with Your Siblings
(continued from page 2)
even identify yourself as a caregiver at first, but then find yourself overwhelmed and feeling resentful of your siblings as
your parent requires more help. It's easy for families to fall into common traps, assuming, for example, that the son will
handle finances while the daughter will take care of emotional or physical care needs.
In another common trap, one sibling may become Mom's caregiver because he or she doesn't have a job or needs a place
to stay, and family members think this arrangement will solve a lot of problems. But it can be a recipe for trouble. The family needs to spell out clearly what that person will be expected to do, whether there will be financial compensation, and how
that will work. In addition, the sibling(s) should be clear about what support tasks each will provide.
You need to re-examine all these assumptions as a family. The best way to do this is to call a family meeting as early (and,
later, as often) as possible. A family meeting can provide a place to discuss the parent's needs and to ask what each person can contribute in time or money. If needed, a trusted person outside the family can facilitate.
Adapted from “Caregiving with Your Siblings”, Family Caregiver Alliance Fact Sheet,", For the complete Fact Sheet andmore information on Family Meetings visit our website . The Caregiver Resource Center staff is available to work with
families and facilitate meetings.
Rosalinde & Arthur Gilbert Foundation Award Winner… The
Caregiver Resource Center, Orange County (CRC) was recognized by the foundation and the Family Caregiver Alliance: National Center on Caregiving, for its excellence in Alzheimer’s disease care and caregiver support to “Diverse /
Multicultural Communities.” The CRC will be honored at “Aging in America, the Annual Conference of the American Society on Aging”, in Chicago, IL in March. Claudia Ellano, Director credited “...the tireless work and leadership that Pauline
Le and Tam Ho [staff at CRC] provide to caregivers and their peers in the Vietnamese community of Orange County”. “It
is truly a collective effort of all CRC staff and the support of St. Jude Medical Center that makes this happen,” she added.
Caregiver Support Groups — try one on for size …
 Fullerton – Thrive Not Survive
 Irvine—Thrive Not Survive
2nd & 4th Wed. of the month. 7-8:30
2nd & 4th Wed. of the month,10-11:30 a.m.
St. Jude Community Services — Conference Room Kaiser Permanente Orange County—Irvine
Medical Center 6640 Alton Pkwy Irvine, CA
130 West Bastanchury 92835
92618 MOB2, 5th Floor, Rm C1
 Laguna Hills – Thrive Not Survive
 Garden Grove – Vietnamese Group
1st & 3rd Wed. of the month, 10-11:30 a.m.
3rd Tue. of the month, 5:30-7:00 p.m.
Florence Sylvester Memorial Senior Center:
Acacia Adult Day Services,11391 Acacia
23721 Moulton Pwy. Laguna Hills 92653
Pkwy, Garden Grove 92840
 Orange – Thrive Not Survive
1st and 3rd Tue. of the month, 7-8:30 p.m.
 Garden Grove – Spanish Group
Park Plaza, 620 S. Glassell St., 92866
2nd Wed. of the month, 3:30-5:00 p.m.
Acacia Adult Day Services, 11391 Acacia
 Fullerton – Comestibles (Aphasia)
Every Mon. 10-12 noon 1st Presbyterian Church, Pkwy, Garden Grove 92840
838 N. Euclid 92832
 Santa Ana – Spanish Group
3rd Wed. of the month, 9:30-11:00 a.m.
 Anaheim—Thrive Not Survive
Sunflower Gardens
1st & 3rd Wed. of the month. 7-8:30pm
3730 S. Greenville St.
Kaiser Permanente Orange County—Anaheim
Santa Ana 92704
Medical Center 3440 E. La Palma Ave. 92806
MOB2, 4th floor, Rm CC2/CC3
Page 4
Our mission is to increase the quality of life for caregivers by helping
families and communities master the challenges of caregiving.
CRC SERVICES: AVAILABLE FOR CAREGIVERS — that’s YOU!
 Family
 Care
Consultation
Planning
 Education
 Legal
and Training
Workshops
 Support
counseling
 Support
Groups
 Respite
Planning
The Caregiver Resource Center (CRC) is a trusted partner for Orange County families coping with the physical, emotional, and financial responsibilities of care giving.
By providing families with individualized, supportive services, CRC stands apart as
the only Orange County agency focusing specifically on the needs of caregivers,
who are coping with a loved one’s chronic illness. Services include family consultation, assessment, care planning, counseling, referrals for resources, psychoeducational seminars, respite planning and community education.
The Caregiver Resource Center, a non profit program (501.c.3) of St. Jude Medical Center, is funded in part by the California Department of Health Care Services and the California Department of
Aging and with funds from the Federal Older Americans Act, as allocated by the Orange County
Board of Supervisors. Services are free and donations are gratefully accepted.
Caregiver Resource Center - Partner Agencies





Abrazar
Acacia Adult Day Services
Age Well Senior Servies
Alzheimer’s Association–Orange County
Alzheimer’s Family Services Center
Gifts to the Caregiver Resource Center can be
made by check to: St. Jude Memorial Foundation/
CRC and sent to the address below. Visit our website
for more information on giving. Thank you for your
support.
Caregiver Resource Center
St. Jude Community Services
130 W. Bastanchury, Fullerton, CA 92835
Phone: 800.543.8312
Fax: 714.446.5996
Send a question or message via e-mail to our
staff at: ocrcuser@stjoe.org
Visit our web site
www.caregiveroc.org





Council on Aging
SeniorServ
Rehab. Institute of Orange (RIO)
Vietnamese Community of OC (VNCOC)
Office on Aging, County of Orange
Tips for winning support for
caregiving from siblings:
 Accept them and parents for who they
are, not who you wish them to be.
 Do not oversimplify issues with your
opinions, allow everyone to draw their
own conclusions based on facts.
 Ask yourself what you really want
from your siblings, consider that the
only need may be emotional support.
 Watch how you ask for help—avoid
projecting guilt and/or anger.
 Avoid power struggles over assignment of legal powers.
 Don’t let inheritance disputes tear
your family apart.
 Don’t be afraid to seek outside help.