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Sharing
Volume 21, Issue 3
May/June 2012
touching lives...
healing hearts...
giving hope...
Mother’s Day / Father’s Day
Dear Friends,
Trees are in full bloom quite early this year, and the awesome wonders of perennial
flowers and green grass are popping up everywhere as spring evolves once again.
Some of you may struggle with this season of resurgence, as it feels life is moving on.
Your grieving heart may still feel blanketed with the dark days of winter. For others,
Cathi Lammert, RN
Executive Director
this may be a season of hope and you may sense some new found energy. Be present to
your feelings and you will evolve when you are ready.
As the very special days of Mother's Day and Father's Day approach, please know you
are in our thoughts. Often times, these days are two of the most difficult days of the
year for bereaved parents. Over the years, parents have looked at me with tear-filled
Rose Carlson
eyes and asked, “Am I really a parent if my baby is not here with me?” I equate
Program Director
parenthood with love, the greatest kind of love. Does love stop when a baby dies? Of
course not!! Our son Christopher died nearly thirty years ago, and what has amazed
me is our love for him has grown, just as it has for our living children. You will always
be your child/ren's parent. No one can take this role away from you.
If it feels comfortable, take time to acknowledge yourselves on these special days as you
deserve this recognition. This issue has many ways one could spend Mother's Day or
Gina Haney
Development Specialist
Father's Day. Explore what feels right for you as you prepare for this holiday.
Sometimes, the anticipation can be even more challenging than the day itself. Having
a plan in mind may help you have some control over the day.
Also, let your circle of loved ones know if you want to be acknowledged, as they may be
uncertain how they can best support you. Many have asked me, “How can I best
support my daughter/friend?” They also have shared with me they are afraid they
Megan Nichols
could hurt their child/friend more by doing something to make them cry. I always let
Development & PR Director
them know bereaved parents will probably cry on these days anyway, so receiving
some recognition of being a parent could bring great comfort. I also have bereaved
parents tell me, “People should know what I need, and it frustrates me to have to tell
someone to remember us.” Trust me, most supporters feel helpless, and once they have
a clearer understanding of your needs, the day might be a better one.
Jaclyn Nikodym
I want to bring to the professional caregiver's attention that the International
Development & PR Associate
Conference for Pregnancy and Infant Death is less than a year away! The event will be
sponsored by Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Alliance (PLIDA) and Association of
SIDS and Infant Mortality Programs (ASIP) once again and will be held in Minneapolis,
MN April 18-21, 2013. This conference has normally been hosted in the fall, but due
to some conflicts of schedules, the committee decided to move it to the spring. I am
honored to be one of the co-chairs. Call for speaker proposals will be available May 1.
For more information, check www.plida.org or www.nationalshare.org. More details
will follow soon. so mark your calendars!
Jeanna O’Leary
Share Group Coordinator
As Mother's Day and Father's Day approaches, know that Share will remember you as
the dearest of parents and will be here for you.
With hope,
Jennifer Stachula
Administrative Assistant
Cathi Lammert
Contents
Features...
4... A Special Dedication
5... Perspectives
6... I Am a Mother, And That’s a Fact
8... Remembrance Jewelry
9... Remembrance Jewelry / I Am Still a Mother
13... Mother’s Day... Bittersweet Day for Some Women
14... Mother’s Day Reflections
....................
In Every Issue...
2... Dear Friends
7... In Memory of
10...Discussion Board
12...Mark Your Calendars
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3
Mothers Day/Fathers Day May/June 2012
A Special Dedication…
To You, on Mother's Day and Father's Day
By Lisa Weber, RN
Society,
in general, is experiencing an evolution in
recognizing the significance of the loss parents and
families feel when an unborn child dies. From our silent
tears of pain to our shouts of anger and resentment,
bereaved families are making others sit up and take notice
of our grief. The impact of the death of an unborn child is
not going unnoticed by those open enough to bear
witness to our struggle. Mothers, fathers, sisters,
brothers, grandparents, whose empty arms long to hold a
live baby, whose voices speak of the sadness of death,
whose minds sometimes wander off to dreams of cooing
babies, whose nurseries remain untouched and whose
lives will always remember the promise of new life, are
testimony to this struggle.
The journey through grief is filled with ups and downs.
The “up” moments don't seem to come around often
enough. The “down” moments are exhausting and seem to
last for days. Bereaved parents are forced to learn
patience. You can't rush grief; the healing process takes
time. We learn ways to accept, embrace, and even
understand that death is a part of our lives.
Grieving moms and dads do not “get over” their
loss.
We do not deny our feelings; we learn to
incorporate them into our lives. Gradually, we
focus on our future, as a person, as an adult, and
always as a parent.
Our identity is determined by many factors:
What we do, the job we have, where we live,
and many more factors. For some, being a
parent is a major part of our identity. There are
those of us who have no living children. I do not
believe that makes us any less parents. We
nurture our children even before they are
conceived. We have dreams of the glow of
pregnancy, delivering a healthy baby, the
impact a child will have on us as a family, as
partners raising a toddler to young adulthood.
We nurture the expectations of parenthood, of
being called “mommy” and “daddy.” Even
though the differences in a family who have
experienced death and those who have not are
complex, the similarity of our desire to raise a
family cannot be denied.
I have a son. I have a daughter. I am a mother. I
am a father. I do not take my child to the park
like some parents do—but I take my baby everywhere in my
heart. She was denied this earthly existence. I don't know
why. He will play catch in the stars, not on the ball field. She
will never shop for a prom dress at the mall, and he will never
ask for the keys to my car. But they are our children
nonetheless. I will wear her birth stone around my neck. I will
think of him everyday.
Acknowledge me on Mother's Day. Wish me a pleasant
Father's Day. I need that support and acceptance as much as
you. I am a parent. Mother's Day is to honor all mothers.
Father's Day is to honor all fathers. As spring brings forth new
life following the quiet healing of winter, let us welcome a
rebirth of hope in our own lives. In recognition of childless
parents, and those who have loving children but also have felt
the heartache of the death of a child, this Mother's Day and
Father's Day, my wish for you is one of peace, love, and to call
to mind the dignity of parenthood.
Share this newsletter with family and friends. It may help
others understand our struggle to be recognized as unique
parents.
A Father’s Perspective...
Perspectives
Written by John Stuart, Daddy to Kieran
My story is probably no different than anyone reading this
newsletter. Our only child, Kieran, was born premature and
only saw one sunrise. There were many hopes and dreams that
went with his passing. He was our only successful conception
in over 4 years of trying. So when we were originally informed
of our good fortune, much of our life during those 22 weeks
was focused on his arrival and preparing for our new future.
How people experience their grief and how they cope is as
different as snowflakes. The losses we experience are very
personal and often difficult to quantify. I was devastated by the
prospect of not seeing him everyday and not being able to
watch him interact with the world. For the first several
months, I coped by immersing myself in other distractions and
withdrew from all of life's optional dealings. I lost the ability to
focus on all but the simplest, singular tasks. And it hurt to
experience most any emotion, good and bad.
Father's Day was just 17 weeks after Kieran's birth. As it
approached, I was keenly aware of its meaning and that I was
now among the honored. This was not how I envisioned
joining the ranks and I felt uncomfortable. This was
compounded by wanting to acknowledge my own father. My
child could not do the same for me.
It's difficult to express how I came to grips with my emotions. I
felt sorry for myself and I knew that was destructive. I needed
to alter my perspective. I realized that the honor of being a
father was not an external acknowledgment but in my own,
internal perception. I am happy to have a son. Although he was
not physically with me on Father's Day, he was with me in
spirit, as he continues to be. The world doesn't have to
acknowledge that I love my son, because he knows and I know.
My wife also knows, and loves our son and me. We managed to
make it through Mother's and Father's Days because we
respect that the world is full of complex emotional triggers and
these holidays are very big triggers. Our reactions to the
triggers are usually different, but we're able to look beyond the
reaction and see the underlying response as emotions of love
and loss. Outward expression of these emotions can be
manifested in negative ways. But we remember that what the
other person is reacting to is valid even if the reaction seems
irrational. We need to vent our emotions even if the emotional
release is misdirected.
There are many holidays on the calendar that are intended to
cause you to pause and consider how a particular group of
people has affected your life. For me, Father's Day has taken on
multiple facets. I think about my son, for without him, I would
not be a father. I think about my wife, for without her, I could
not have a son. And about my parents, for without them I
would not know what it means to be a parent. I love and am
grateful for all of them.
.............................................................................................................................
Mother’s Perspective...
Submitted by Suzanne Phillips, Mommy to Kieran
Mother's Day has been a hard, complicated day for me for
many years. It's the annual reminder that, “I don't belong in
the mommy club.” My husband and I struggled a long time to
become parents, only to lose our precious boy. Although I am
Kieran's mommy, because he lived so briefly, my “mommy
credits” fall short. I feel left out of the club when I see other
mothers and babies – in the park, coffee shop or congregation.
I know first hand about sleepless nights, but I don't have
stories of Kieran's firsts: the first time he held his head up on
his own, rolled over, pulled himself up, crawled, teethed,
babbled or stepped. It's hard for other mommies to listen to
my baby's short story. He's not wiggling around, demanding
attention.
For a long time, I avoided Mother's Day. I avoided the
saccharin cards, speakers and mother-daughter banquets
which celebrated motherhood. Then my husband and I began
to do something special that weekend without it being
“mother” or “father” focused. We have gone camping,
picnicked at an outdoor jazz festival, and attended local arts
festivals. For me, camping has been the most successful
because most families don't camp in May. It's easy to enjoy
nature with our dogs as we set up camp, hike and are buzzed
by local hummingbirds.
Last Mother's Day (2007), the first without Kieran, friends
invited us to go sailing. The focus was on friendship and
catching up. They talked about Kieran. At the end of the day,
they gave me a Mother's Day card – the only one I received. I
cherish it as recognition of our friendship and Kieran.
There are no Share support groups in our area. However, the
local Children's Hospital sponsors an annual Memorial Service
for bereaved parents between Mother's and Father's Days.
This service is a safe place to openly remember and mourn our
babies. We are not isolated. This recognition of our loss
validates the pain and grief we feel, particularly when it seems
the world celebrates parenthood as only having living children.
Whether or not you chose to participate in Mother's or
Father's Day, I recommend you take steps to care for yourself
on that day. It's OK to simply avoid the whole event. It's OK
to ask others for what you need. If it feels right, find a moment
to remember your baby and honor yourself as your baby's
parent. For these two days, my husband and I each created our
own bracelet with Kieran's name, his birthstone and his
animal. This creative action honored our child and our new
title as parents, despite other's conflicting opinions of our
parental status. In honoring ourselves as parents, we also
honor our babies.
5
Mothers Day/Fathers Day May/June 2012
I Am A Mother, and that’s a fact
By Marilyn L. Hartman
I
am a mother, although some might argue this fact.
I may not know my child's gender, but I am a mother none the less.
I may not be able to hold my child in my arms, but you can bet
I will always hold my child close to my heart.
I am a mother, although some might argue this fact.
I may not have issued a name, but I am a mother none the less.
I will never see my child's little face, but you can bet
I will always treasure this child in my heart.
I am a mother, although some might argue this fact.
I will never see my child grow, but I am a mother none the less.
I will never hear my child's first words, but you can bet
I will always hear the silence in my heart.
I am a mother, although some might argue this fact.
I will never see my child take a step, but I am a mother none the less.
I will never hear my child cry, but you can bet
I will always hear the cries in my heart.
I am a mother although some might argue this fact.
I will never change a soiled diaper, but I am a mother none the less.
I will never have 3 a.m. feedings, but you can bet
I will always long for them in my heart.
I am a mother, although some might argue this fact.
I may not have carried to full term, but I am a mother none the less.
On Earth, I won't be blessed with my child, but you can bet
In Heaven I have an angel who I love with all my heart.
.............................................................................................................................
The National Share Office is now on Pinterest! Follow us for ideas and information on Memory Making, Jewelry,
Grief Support Resources, Books and Holiday Traditions.
If you have ideas for pins that we can share, please email rcarlson@nationalshare.org. We look forward to providing
additional resources to you.
.............................................................................................................................
Online Chat is Back
The Share bereaved parent and pregnancy after loss chat is back! Please join us on Mondays at 9 PM
EST for a moderated bereaved parent chat and on Tuesdays at 9 PM EST for a moderated pregnancy
after loss chat. In the coming weeks, we will also be adding a day time opportunity for both chats.
Mothers Day/Fathers Day May/June 2012
Thank you for your Gifts!
In loving memory of...
Avery Ann Humphries
Happy 5th Birthday Avery. Thinking of
you and your Mommy and Daddy who
miss you very much.
By: Michelle & David Garris
Christian Hopco
By: Joanne & Matthew Walsh
Jason Aaron Turner
Our "little bud," you are always in our
hearts. It's still difficult, but we know we
will be with you again one day.
By: Mr. & Mrs. James R. Casey
Lisa Unnerstall
By: Melissa Hardage
By: Ginny Buller
By: Dave Chamberlain
By: Howard T. Devane Jr.
By: Vivian Haman
By: Jennifer Merlo
By: Anne & George Mosinski
By: Grace Porter
By: Helen & Joseph Sandza
By: Denise Stouffer
By: Ellen and Larry Umlauf
By: Richard & Mary Black
With sympathy and prayers.
By: Mary Jo & John Nischwitz
Regina Poppy Knobbe
By: Joann Hoffman
Sarah Blanchard
In Memory of our loving
Granddaughter Sarah.
May God bless her loving
family and support them in
this time.
By: Linda & Ronnie
Blanchard
Colin Daniel Williams
Happy 1st Birthday & Angelversary
Colin.
By: Daniel & Lauren Williams
Mason Zachary Bobby
Forever in our thoughts.
By: Liese Hearth
Olivia Hammond
By: Tom Renken
In Honor Of...
Noah James Backer
In celebration of the safe arrival of
Noah James Backer. We are so glad
you are here safe and sound!
By: Stephanie Grant
Owen Backer
Thoughts of you & your family.
By: Christy Parson
Remi Isabella Goebel
By: Brett, Kecia and Shane Therioin
Philip Joseph Jehle Williams
By: Barbara & Steven Harter
By: Belinda Henderson
Friends of Share...
I didn't know Philip personally, but I have
heard about him. As was told to me, he
sounded like a great little boy, and while I
can’t understand your pain fully, I have
grieved with you.
By: Laura Peurrung
Elizabeth Meixner
Heather Pallardy
Savvis Matching Gifts
Kalee Sayre
United Way of New York City
Karen Zerr
Rich & Brenda Hecht
Mandy Murphey
Lisa & Ray Holt
Lori Zaitz
Wayne Alexander
Jennifer Begley
Kathleen Campanella, Jr.
Cathy Daub
Mary Haake
Madeline Isenberg
April Kavanagh
Brooke Lund
Cheryl Moellenhoff
Carol Piontek
QuikTrip Corporation
Baptist Memorial Health Care
Metro Detroit Share Group
Mike & Vicki Kiefer
Joanie Rosenbaum
Matthew & Monica Hans
Christine Amato
Darrin Ward
Teresa & Patrick Gavin
Brittany Aceves
Kathy Collier
Amanda Davis
Eveready Energizer Matching Gift
Program
Heidi Hardcastle
Indiana Association of United Ways
Tracy & Pete Keinrath
Laura McEwen
Janice McKie-Maxwell
7
Remembrance Jewelry
Parents who experience the death of a baby often yearn for ways to weave the baby into the fabric of their lives
and are often comforted by collecting items to commemorate their baby. Especially at this time of year when
everyone is celebrating moms and dads, finding a special treasure such a garden ornament or piece of customized
jewelry can help you feel close to your baby and is a wonderful way to honor yourselves as the parents you are.
Share keeps an extensive resource list of online places to purchase special memorial items, and you can view this
list on our website (http://www.nationalshare.org/online-memorial-resources.html), and following are a few of
our favorites that offer unique jewelry for both moms and dads.
The Vintage Pearl (engraved jewelry for Moms and Dads)
http://www.thevintagepearl.com/Default.aspx
SueElla Signatures (unique lockets and other
memorial jewelry for both Moms and Dads)
http://sueellasignaturedesigns.blogspot.com/
Birth Designs (engraved jewelry for parents,
there is a good selection of memorial jewelry,
and also jewelry for Dads)
http://www.birthdesigns.com/
nelle and lizzy (unique charms, bracelets, interlocking rings,
key chains, and men's jewelry)
http://www.nelleandlizzy.com/
Mothers Day/Fathers Day May/June 2012
Remembrance Jewelry (cont)
Lisa Leonard (hand-stamped
silver jewelry)
http://www.lisaleonardonline.
com/
Labelle Dame (custom
remembrance jewelry)
http://www.labelledame.co
m/
My Forever Child (remembrance
jewelry and infertility jewelry for
men and women)
www.myforeverchild.com
I Am Still a Mother
Written by Kristina Marie Coombs
When Mother's Day arrived just a few months after my
first baby had been born still, I wasn't sure how I would
get through the day. What I really wanted to do was
pretend it didn't exist at all, but I knew I needed to find a
way to celebrate it for my mother and my husband's
mother. My biggest fear was that no one in my family
would honor ME as a mother since my only child, my
daughter Reagan, had died.
As the day approached, I really struggled. The year before,
I had announced my pregnancy to my family on Mother's
Day. I had told my mom a few days before, and she had a
special “Congratulations to the Mom to be” card for me.
She wrote in the card that she couldn't wait until next
Mother's Day when she could celebrate her first Mother's
Day as a grandmother. So I not only longed for a way to
celebrate myself as a mother, but I longed for a way to
celebrate my mom as a grandmother. I know that most
people in my family didn't consider her a “real”
grandmother since she had no living grandchildren, but I
know she did, and I know I did too.
My mom loves to garden, and her flowers and plants are
admired by everyone. So, I decided I would give her a
special plant for her garden that would remind her of my
Reagan. My mom loves all types of flowers and plants, and
I had a hard time choosing. Since Reagan had been born in
the winter, nothing was blooming in our cold climate, so
that gave me no ideas. I finally decided to give her a white
rose bush because it reminded me of the snow that was
softly falling on the day we buried Reagan. I also bought
one for myself, even though I didn't inherit my mother's
green thumb. Three years later, both rose bushes are
thriving, and every year around Mother's Day, my mom
adds another white flower to her garden in memory of
Reagan. The next year, I bought my mom and I both flat
stones for our gardens. I plan to add something new to our
gardens each year, and I have started a scrapbook only for
pictures of Reagan's gardens.
Something else that was important to me on that first
Mother's Day was for my family to acknowledge me as a
mother, even though my child was not there celebrating
with us. I told my mom this, and imagine my surprise when
at dinner at my mom's house, everyone there, even my
grandmother who had not been supportive of me at all had
a card for me, placed in a small white basket that my mom
had decorated with pink and green ribbons. I cried when I
read each of those cards. To this day, I keep them in the
basket on a shelf in my living room. When I am feeling blue,
I love to look through the cards. Even though I still do not
have a living child, my family members still give me cards
on Mother's Day, and over the years, my collection has
grown. Each year, I put the cards in that pretty little
basket. Someday, I hope to have a living child, and I will
add the congratulation cards to the basket. That basket is
one of my most treasured keepsakes because it reminds me
daily that even though my child is not here, I am still a
mother.
9
Discussion Board
Mother’s Day / Father’s Day
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are often some of the most difficult holidays for bereaved
parents to get through. We thought it would be helpful for those to hear what others do
to honor their baby(ies).
We asked our Facebook nation to share with us ways you plan to celebrate Mother’s Day
and Father’s Day and what have you done in the past to honor yourself as a parent? Here
are your responses...
“We will be going to the memorial brick dedication at
the Angel of Hope on May 6th. I hope to make it a
tradition we do every year.”
-Abby L.
“This is not our first. The hospital hosts their annual
Share walk the day before Father's day.”
-Matt G.
“We try to donate time or goods in Luke's honor on
days like that, angelversary, due date, etc. The act of
giving counters the act of losing.”
-Katie P.
“I am so grateful to be able to celebrate motherhood
with my 3 year old, and I plan to focus my attention and
love on him that day. But in my heart I am a mother of
two, so I will still take some private time that day to
look at the ultrasound and reflect on the love that I will
always hold in my heart for our sweet angel baby.”
-Jennifer W.
“I was thinking of getting her footprints as a tattoo
with butterflies around it. Every morning, I say good
morning and ask her for guidance since her urn is with
us in our house. Prayers and thoughts of happiness to
everyone.”
-Tiffany S-M
“I've been trying to figure out a way to memorialize our
baby with something permanent, and a tattoo might be
perfect.”
-Jennifer W.
“We always go to his grave on his birthday and
holidays. My husband and I don't have a ritual we do
every year on Mother's Day/Father's Day but we
always include our kids. We have done things like
make a scrapbook with the belongings the hospital
gave us plus what we already purchased. We have
made a shadow box. We have both got tattoos. We try
making it positive for our other kids instead of a sad
day.”
-Nikki M.
“I put a Balloon at my daughter's grave the night before
Father's Day that said love you Dad. It was a pleasant
but hard surprise for him.”
-Tisha M-H
“These are always tough days. I wrote about Mother's
Day and Father's Day as well as offered a great Father's
Day article at www.robinlentzworgan.com”
-Robin L-W
Mothers Day/Fathers Day May/June 2012
With Gratitude
S
hare thanks those who have so graciously given these monetary donations in memory of a baby, relative, friend, and in honor of all
loved ones and through Matching Gift Programs. Gratuitous donations are also accepted from anyone who wants to help Share in its
mission. We gratefully acknowledge these gifts, which help us continue to reach out and fulfill the daily needs of bereaved parents.
Share’s services are available free of charge to bereaved parents, family and friends, or anyone whose life has been touched by the loss of
baby.
When you make a donation in memory of a/your baby(ies), please include the name(s) of the baby(ies), the birth/death date(s) and
the parents name(s). If you donate in memory/honor of a special loved one, please include their name(s) and pertinent information. A
short message may also be included with any donation.
Please remember to include your return address and the addresses of those you wish to receive an acknowledgment. Unless
previously authorized to do so, Share will not release any personal information, (address, phone number, e-mail, etc.) except to print
donors names in this newsletter. If you wish your name to remain anonymous, please indicate this when submitting your donations.
The Mission
S
hare’s mission is to serve those who are touched by the tragic death of a baby through early pregnancy loss, stillbirth or in the first
few months of life.
Six times a year, we share information and ideas from parents and professionals to support and provide a sense of friendship for
bereaved parents. We hope you will find this newsletter helpful and that you will share it with others you feel it would interest.
We encourage you to send your personal articles, stories, poems, artwork and recipes to our newsletters at any time. Please do not
submit copied, copyrighted, or web articles. The Newsletter Editor reserves the right to edit your personal submission for content
and/or length to fit the needs of the particular newsletter edition in which it will appear. Your submission may be used for the current
newsletter, or may be used in a future publication. All submissions become the property of Share.
Please include all pertinent personal information so we may identify you and your baby/ies in the respective publication. Your
submission grants Share permission to list your personal information with the publication unless instructed otherwise.
Newsletter Submission Guidelines:
1. Please provide title, authors’ name and applicable loss information for article submissions. If donating monetarily in
memory of a baby, please provide loss information, including the parent’s name(s).
2. Submissions must be received no later than the 1st of the month, one month prior to issue month. If you are making a
donation and would like to be recognized, or honor a birthday or anniversary, in the most recent edition of the newsletter,
then it, must be received by the 10th of the month, two months prior to the publication.
3. Please type your submissions in single spaced, 10 point, Times New Roman or Arial font when possible.
4. Submissions can be mailed to 402 Jackson, St. Charles, MO 63301, e-mailed to mnichols@nationalshare.org or faxed to
636-947-7486.
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you would like to reprint articles/submissions from Sharing please properly cite
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volume, issue, and author in your acknowledgments. If you would like to reprint
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Mothers Day/Fathers Day May/June 2012
Mother’s Day: Bittersweet Day for Some Women
Written By Rachel Faldet
When I think of Mother's Day, a wealth of images comes
miscarriage as a death that can-and should-be mourned.
to mind. I see women in restaurants wearing corsages and
red roses and baby's breath pinned to their dresses, close
to their hearts: Visual symbols of motherhood. I see my
mother in the 1960's, wearing a flower-covered puffy hat
and a cream-colored coat fastened with buttons the size
of half dollars, three children trailing behind her on
Mother's Day morning. As usual, we are late for church.
People easily sympathize with the death of someone visible,
someone whose passage has been marked in legal records,
someone with a name. People say, “I'm sorry.” They expect
mothers and fathers to grieve. They encourage them to talk.
They are compassionate listeners. They offer tangible
solace: A gift of food, a lilac bush to plant in the backyard,
an appropriate book.
But I also see women who are not wearing corsages, who
are not necessarily walking with children. These women
carry in their hearts a quiet, lonesome sadness. Some are
women I know by name; most are strangers to me. They
are everywhere: In office buildings, in grocery stores, in
libraries, in movie theaters, in airplanes, traveling to new
destinations. They are women who have had miscarriages.
I am one of them: Part of the sisterhood of unspoken
sorrow.
On Mother's Day, it is appropriate to acknowledge a
woman's loss—particularly if the miscarriage was recent.
But even for women who, with the passage of time, have
come to terms with their loss, Mother's Day can bring back
a sadness. A simple note written on a blank card and sent
in the mail is an act of kindness on this day.
Miscarriage is common, but not talked about much.
Though part of life, it is often a taboo topic. Even women
who have miscarried aren't sure if they should mention
their loss to anyone.
Pregnancy, childbirth and
menopause get more public
attention. Women are often
not prepared for the
complex feelings of loss and
grief they must cope with
when a baby dies within the
first 20 weeks of pregnancy.
According to Fran Rybarik,
former director of
Bereavement Services in
LaCrosse, WI, when a
pregnancy ends in
miscarriage, “The whole
person is
affected—physically,
emotionally, socially and
spiritually.” A parent
invests in a child's life long before it is born.
One day a woman is pregnant, the next day she isn't. She
has nothing to carry in her arms. Unless she has had
multiple miscarriages, usually she never finds out the
reason for the unsuccessful pregnancy. Even then, medical
staff may not be able to give her answers. Sometimes, only
a few family members and friends know of the pregnancy;
sometimes, no one knows except the father. Through
tangled emotions, it is hard for a woman to say, “I was
pregnant a few days ago, but now I'm not. This is terribly
sad for me.” Society doesn't often acknowledge
For women who have miscarried, thinking about the lost
child is inevitable. They are confronted with rows of
greeting cards in gift shops, restaurant advertisements
urging early reservations for Mother's Day brunch, phone
companies reminding people to call mothers who are far
away and bouquets of long-lasting carnations delivered to
neighbor's houses. The day of
celebration is obvious. As women
think about their own mother,
they again are reminded of the
child or children they do not have.
It is bittersweet.
Mother's Day, though, can be a
day of healing.
Women who have a miscarried
child should give themselves
permission to grieve. They can
read about miscarriage, putting
themselves in the company of
others who have experienced this
common, but often publicly
unspoken loss. They can talk to
family and friends. Given the chance, people will reveal the
circumstances of their losses with vividness and
compassion. A woman can write about her miscarriage.
Through writing, no matter how informal it is, she can put
some sort of control on the uncontrollable. Because it is
spring, she can plant a rosebush, a maple tree, or a deep red
peony in the yard: a visual symbol of “almost” motherhood.
On Mother's Day, I think about women whose lives have
been affected by miscarriage. Perhaps their hearts—like
mine—have been mended over time. Perhaps the pain is
fresh and their heartache needs to be acknowledged by
family and friends.
13
Mother’s Day Reflections
Written By Rachel Cone
M
“
other's Day.” It is amazing to me the power of these
two simple words, and the mix of emotions this day
brings for me. Mother's Day is supposed to be a
celebration of how life continues from one generation to
the next. Throughout my pregnancy, I could not wait to
meet my child, and teach him about life, and learn
through his eyes.
When one of my friends sent me a Happy Mother's Day
card during my pregnancy I chuckled, thinking that I
was not yet a mother. Sure, I was growing a baby inside
me, but it didn't feel like I was a mother, so it was odd
to celebrate the day as a mother, and not just a
daughter. The following year, I promised myself, I
would revel in the joys of motherhood and celebrate
Mother's Day as a daughter and a mother! But
somehow, during pregnancy, it just didn't feel
appropriate to celebrate the day as a mother.
Oh how I wish I could turn back the clock sometimes.
That was the only Mother's Day that I experienced
while David was alive. Sadly, he was a full-term
stillbirth, and I never had the chance to feel his breath
against my cheek, gaze into his eyes and feel his love, or
hear him wish me a Happy Mother's Day.
Every year as Mother's Day approaches, my heart aches.
For those who have experienced the loss of a child, this
is a commonly shared feeling. Spring is in the air, and
joy is supposed to accompany this. Fields are lined with
blue bonnets, crocuses, tulips, daffodils and other
beautiful flowers. There is such serenity in the sights
and sounds of nature. Yet, inside me there is turmoil
and a range of emotions including anger, resentment,
jealousy, sadness, and most of all loneliness.
I still remember my very first Mother's Day after
David's birth/death. As a single mother, I had to find
the strength within me to muster through the holiday.
Television commercials, storefront displays, and
newspaper advertisements were frequent reminders of
all that I was dreading. I wanted to scream to the world
that I was a childless mother and I deserved to be
noticed and acknowledged. I even got the courage to
browse the greeting cards, hoping to find one
appropriate for a childless mother.
I read every card in the section, while tears streamed
down my cheek. None of the cards were appropriate.
They were all sappy, loving inscriptions intended to be
the perspective from a child to their mother, or from a
spouse to the mother of their child. The more I read, the
more alone I felt.
I could go on and on about the grief of a childless
mother, but that is a perspective others can contribute.
I want to share my perspective as a single grieving
mother because I don't often see this perspective
represented.
Whatever the reason that brings a mother to be a single
parent, it is hard. Grieving as a single parent is virtually
unimaginable. In the days when I could hardly get
myself out of bed, nobody was there to hoist me up and
tell me that I could do it. When I wanted someone to
wrap their arms around me and comfort me, I was
alone. When I woke up in the middle of the night with
phantom kicks, I reached for the empty pillow beside
me. When my milk came in days after birthing David, I
had to bind the cabbage leaves around my body myself.
When I felt strong enough to attend my first
bereavement support group, I went alone. I was
surrounded by couples who were talking about trying
again after a loss. I felt so uncomfortable, as I could not
identify with anyone. Yet this was the only place where
others knew the pain and suffering of a pregnancy loss.
So, I returned regularly.
I sought companionship online through support
groups, message boards, and chat rooms. An amazing
group of women offering words of comfort, validating
my feelings, and, just for a moment, making me feel less
lonely – until I turned off the computer, and realized I
was all by myself and alone in my grief.
Over time, the intensity of the grief subsided. I went on
to have another child, who entered the world healthy
and happy. For the first time in a very long time, I
began to experience joy in my life. But it is often a
bittersweet joy, celebrating motherhood with my living
child, and grieving the missed lifetime with David.
It's been nine years since my very first Mother's Day
when I was pregnant with David. Each year, the grief
changes and manifests itself in different ways, but
never fades away. I am able to celebrate the day as a
mother with gratitude for having learned that a
childless mother is still a mother, with love and
devotion to her child so great that death cannot break
that bond. I am also grateful for the ability to share this
day with my living child, hear him wish me a Happy
Mother's Day, gaze lovingly in my eyes, and wrap his
arms around me as he tells me he loves me and misses
the brother he never knew.
Although I treasure these moments with my living
child, Mother's Day is like a bee sting – it hurts a lot,
swells, and eventually the intensity of the pain
subsides. Don't ask me how I feel about Father's Day.
That is like adding salt to the wound. It is a vivid
reminder that I really am alone in this journey of grief
as a single parent.
July/August 2012
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Difficult Decisions
Submission Deadline:
June 15
If you have been in the heartwrenching situation of having to
make a decision(s) about your
baby, we would love to share
your story in the next issue of
Sharing.
We would be honored to hear
from those who:
*have had to make difficult
decisions for their critically ill
baby in the NICU
*have been given a poor
diagnosis during pregnancy
*fertilized multiple embryos and
then had to decide how to
proceed
*were touched in a positive way
by a professional caregiver at
any time throughout your
journey
*are professionals caring for
families either during or after a
decision was made
Be assured that Share does not
take a religious or political
stance on this issue, and we
provide support to all parents
who find themselves in these
situations. This special issue of
Sharing will provide viewpoints
and stories from all sides.
Please send your stories to
rcarlson@nationalshare.org.
National Share Office
402 Jackson
St. Charles, MO 63301
Phone: 800-821-6819
15
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11th Annual Share
Walk for Remembrance & Hope
Saturday, October 20, 2012
Creve Coeur Park, St. Louis
Sailboat Cove
Registration Opens July 1st!
Registration Fees: Adults: $25
Children (5-12): $15
Registration includes walk fee, event t-shirt, program, balloons and bottled water.